Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to tell someone that your sexual history has changed

David g asks: I met a girl at a camp about 3 years ago.
We started texting and we began to like each other. So we have been like that since then, no relationship, no meeting up, no kissing. It was just a texting thing even though we are not distant from each other. We just get to see each other on Sundays because we attend the same church. During our early days of texting, we shared our secrets. And at that time I was a virgin so I told her so and she liked me because of that. So somewhere this year, she had to be in school for her final exams. I entered college in September last year. So while she was in school, there was no communication between us. There were just a few times she called me and we spoke for a few minutes. So while I was in school and she was also in school, a lot of things happened because we weren’t really communicating with each other and a lot of girls kept coming my way while she was away even though I still had feelings for her. I broke my virginity and had sex a number of times. As of now she has completed school and we’re the same way we used to be before. But I’m really scared I might lose her if I tell her all what I did while she was in school. She would be very disappointed in me but I love her very much. What would you suggest I do?

Hi David g –

I guess you have three choices – you could break up with her, you could stay with her and not tell the truth, or you could stay with her and tell her the truth.  Let’s look at those.

First, breaking up.  It sure sounds like you’re attached to her, even though you two have had such a distant relationship, especially in this last year when you were in school.  So while you could break up with her, it sounds like you don’t want to.

Second, keeping the truth from her.  I have a big problem with this one, because it seems to me that, like when I steal a piece of pizza off of the table when no one’s looking, the truth always gets discovered (especially if I burp).  This girl loved two things about you when you met – that you were open, sharing secrets, and that you were a virgin (I’m assuming she was too).  You even go to the same church.  This relationship is based in a sense of shared values and morality.  So while I’m sure you’re right, that she wouldn’t like hearing that you’re no longer a virgin, I imagine she’d be much more upset to find out you were lying to her.  Also, it’s hard to think that she didn’t imagine this might have happened while you were away and not communicating.  So I’m really thinking that trying to keep the truth from her is just going to make things awful – if you succeed, you’ll always worry about it, and if you don’t, you’ll pay the same cost as if you told her.

And third, telling her.  As you say, she won’t like it.  But your doing this will show the same values she loved in you – your morality and honesty.  And she has to acknowledge that she was distant from you.  It’s not like you two were in constant contact or engaged to be married. 

In fact, this relationship you’ve had with no physical contact?  I’m thinking it’s time for that to end!  We dogs don’t really understand love without kisses and pats and hugs.  I think what you’ve done shows nobility, but it’s time to move on.  And the fact that you’ve done these things away from her might be what it takes to get her to move to, at the very least, some friendly embracing.

So I’m on Team TellHer.  If she can’t take it, and rejects you for it, then that tells us something about her – that maybe she isn’t a great bet for a long-term relationship (since eventually something ALWAYS comes along to disappoint everyone in any sort of couple).  But if she can, if she accepts the truth of who you are, and (especially) if she makes some changes, then I think you might find this was a great thing that happened.  Maybe the best.

Hoping this is the case!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend starts to doubt their feelings about you

Moonandstars asks:

Hi, I have been in a happy committed relationship with a guy for 5 years. We love each other and we want to spend a life together. At least that’s what I thought. A few days ago he went for this course called Landmark Forums where they basically help you discover your true self and show you the right path in life. Every day he used to call me and tell me the day’s update, and I had started seeing a change in him. He was actually figuring out the true meaning behind every one of his actions- what was genuine and what was just a facade that everyone puts on to look good or feel good about themselves. On the last day however he called to tell me that what he understood was love was actually attachment and that he’s emotionally attached to me and cares about me but he doesn’t love me. He also said that he doesn’t know what love is, nor does he know how to love, and he doesn’t love anyone. But he says that he can feel that I love him. I asked him a few things and he said that he is emotionally attached to me, he cares about me, he is attracted to me and that there’s something between us which had made him be with me for 5 years so there’s still a chance for us. We decided that we will give this another chance and I will try to help him discover what love feels like, and hopefully if it works we will never be apart. So we are giving this another go now. But I’m not sure if this was the right thing to do. I love him so much and in him I’ve found my perfect partner. I don’t want to let go of him. He says no matter what happens that I’m not just his girlfriend but also his best friend, so I’ll never lose him, and he’ll always be there for me. But I’ve loved him for 5 years and we had planned an entire future together. I don’t want him as a friend after I’ve had him as the perfect partner. What do I do? Is it right to give it another chance when we both are willing? How do I make him understand what love is?

Hi Moonandstars –

Oh, you are my sister in this – men can get VERY in their heads.  And then imagine being my species; from our point of view, you humans get SO in your heads compared to us, so what you’ve gone through this week I go through ALL THE TIME!

I know a little bit about Landmark Forum.  My human Handsome only went to one meeting of theirs, and didn’t love it, but did love a class that he took that was based in the teachings of it – all about moving forward in his career.  From what I’ve seen, Forum’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t teach anything I’d disagree with.

HOWEVER…

As I said, you humans are inclined to live in your heads.  And when a human feels insecure about themselves, they’re highly susceptible (no, I don’t know that word, had to look it up!) to being told things about themselves.

Now I’m very impressed with people who seek knowledge, and seek to find out more about the parts of themselves they’re not in touch with.  But when someone else tells them what they’re feeling, the hairs on my back start to go up…  Hey I’m an extremely empathic dog, but I can’t tell anyone else what they’re thinking, so how can some guy in a workshop who barely knows your boyfriend?!

So my instinct is to say… give

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0 Should you stay with your upcoming baby’s father even though he’s acting distant?

Zel-bell asks: I am 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend has taken me for granted since the day I found out. He supports me with buying baby stuff etc., but he chooses his friends and nice times above me. I keep on giving him chances, but he just doesn’t adore me. He keeps making empty promises, so I decided to leave him. Can you help me get over him?

Hi Zel-bell –

I am not a big one for telling people to stay in the wrong relationship, but in your case I’m going to make an exception.  For a couple of reasons.

First, it is very normal for men to pull away a bit during their woman’s pregnancy.  It’s not that they don’t care about the woman, or about the upcoming baby.  It’s that this change is so huge that they need to withdraw a bit.  The fact that this guy is buying things tells me he cares at least about his future son or daughter.  But you’re absolutely correct that he needs to pay more attention to you – and you should tell him so, in no uncertain terms!  You are his future – you will always be the mother of his child!  So if you’re still together, he needs to learn new ways to be with you.  And if he thinks you’re a little boring to hang out with now, just wait till you’re raising an infant!  He’ll need to be there a lot, while you’re exhausted, irritable, and in pain, with a screaming kid!  So in other words, I’m suggesting that he needs to grow up a bit, rather than for you two to split up.

Second, you may be feeling more negative about the situation because you’re in lots of discomfort, you’re not sleeping enough, and your hormones are going wild!  I’m not saying that you’re wrong to be irritated with him, but you might be more irritated now than you otherwise would, which means it might be a bad time to make a huge decision that affects your, and your baby’s, lives forever.

And Third, I want you to be a little selfish.  In a few weeks, you’re going to need ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET!  Do you really want him not around?  Unless you have a tremendously organized setup, early motherhood is about as hard as anything you’ll ever do.  Keep him around, and get him to bring those friends he enjoys so much over too!  One can cook you dinner while another washes sheets and diapers, and another watches the baby while you sleep, and another helps to pay the hospital bill!

So my overall advice, Zel-bell, is that you just stay with him for now.  If, a few months after the baby’s born, you still feel the same way, then sure, you can make the choice to break up.  But right now I don’t see how it would help you at all (I don’t think you’ll be doing any dating in the next couple of months!), and it could really hurt your life.

Instead, I’d say to focus on the baby.  And improve your relationship any way you can, but… that baby!  That’s the most exciting thing in the whole world!  And it’s coming to you VERY VERY SOON!

Congratulations and All The Very Best Luck!

Shirelle

0 Can a relationship work when the couple “pull back” to slow things down?

Anvee asks: My ex and I dated for 2 months. After breaking up for one and a half months, I asked her if she wanted to get back together, and she told me that we needed to work on our friendship first instead of rushing into a relationship like last time, that she felt it was too fast and she became frustrated and scared, and she told me that she wants to graduate first so that she can be free finally as compared to now. Is there a chance of me getting her back by slowing being friends with her, or should I just move on?

Hi Anvee –

Of course I don’t know her, so I can’t say for sure whether she’s being honest with you, or with herself, about her wishes. 

But I can say that what she says is legit.

Lots of couples go too far too fast, either physically or emotionally, and need to pull back.  Sometimes that’s by breaking up, and sometimes by saying “let’s cool our engines.”  So it sounds like she’s at least suggesting the latter.

What could make this really work is if you can use this “friendship” time to get to know her much better.  What does she value, what does she want in her life, what does she like (or not) in you?  And if you can get her to say it, what did she not like in your romantic relationship?

Doing this accomplishes two things.  First, she’ll feel very trusting of you, more than of anyone else she knows, because you have shown such interest in her.  And second, if you two should ever start a romance up again, you’ll know so much more about her, and what she likes and doesn’t, and how to treat her.

Now it’s totally possible that this doesn’t ever go back to romance, either because one of you doesn’t really want it then, or because she never meant what she said.  But even then, you’ll have had a great friendship with someone you think highly of.  And that’s not a bad thing.

So really you’ve got nothing to lose.  And potentially TONS to gain.  So I say yes, go with it. 

(But hope for more!)

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to choose between your family and your boyfriend or girlfriend, when a child is involved.

Hemant@12 asks: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl the last 2 years. My family does not approve of her, and they fixed my marriage to another girl. Then my girlfriend told me she is pregnant. And my family told me to abort the child; then we will accept your relationship (but they do not accept it). We are from different castes. What can I do?

Hi Hemant@12 –

I need to begin my answer to you by saying that, first, I’m a dog and not a human, and so don’t belong to any religion or caste.  And second, that I live in the United States, so I know that I don’t know everything about caste systems.  (Not that the U.S. has achieved as much equality as they like to say, but there isn’t an organized, rule-based system of people’s levels like that here)

Because of these reasons, I hope my answer doesn’t come off as insensitive, but it might.  Simply out of my ignorance.  If so, I apologize in advance.

My friend, your situation is ENORMOUSLY difficult.  There is no easy, right answer to this.  Instead, you are facing many questions.  How do you feel about abortion?  How do you feel about your girlfriend?  How do you feel about your family?  How do you feel about the caste system you live in?  How do you feel about the woman you’ve been engaged to?  How do you believe you’ll feel about that baby if your girlfriend has it?  And (if she even knows), how would your arranged wife feel about the baby?

I can’t tell you what decision to make.  What I can tell you is that what you choose will define you.  In many ways, it will define you for the rest of your life, and beyond. 

There’s a very painful story – it was a popular novel and then a famous film – called Sophie’s Choice.  It told the story of a Polish woman captured by Nazis, who horrifically told her she had to make a choice, that they would either kill her baby or kill her.  In a panic, she chose to let them kill the baby (who would have died without her anyway).  But the story all takes place years later – and is about how the woman’s life was affected by this decision, and pretty much destroyed by it.  The moment she made that choice defined her then forever. 

Your situation isn’t quite as awful as hers – after all, you’re living in a stable society, not under the whims of humanity’s most sadistic cruelty.  But, like her, so much rests on your choice.  You can become a respected member of your society, play by the rules, raise a good family (I’m imagining your parents picked a fine woman for you), and have a great life – knowing that this woman you loved, and possibly your child, are out there, hurt by your decision.

Or you could break away from your family, who raised you and have always been there for you, break the rules of your culture, hurt the woman they picked for you, and live the truth of your love for your girlfriend, and be a husband and father to these two.

Which feels more right to you?  Or is there another alternative (for example, is it possible for your family to let you marry this girl from another caste, even though it breaks some rules?)? 

And if you do find an alternative, that also will define you forever. 

So I’m saying that you might be the rule-follower (who left some very important people behind), or the rule-breaker (who left other people behind), or the rule-changer.  All of them have tough consequences, and all offer some joy and love.

The right choice for you to make, my friend, is the one that feels most in accordance with your beliefs and feelings.  There’s nowhere to hide – your answer will reveal your truth and your nature.

And whatever choice you make, if you can also work to be kind – as kind as possible – to whoever is hurt by your choice… that will also define you, in a very good way.  Even if not everyone sees the good you chose.

I would love for you to stay in touch with me, if you like.  Your situation means a lot to me, and whatever you choose, I’ll support as much as any dog can.

Wishing you, and everyone in your life, the very very best,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with an eating disorder

arjai101 asks: I went to a family reunion that was triggering. I finally finally get what people mean by “triggering” in the non-ironic sense of the word. But it wasn’t the family that did it. That was fine. It was the food. I was actually doing pretty fine with everything. But as the reunion wore on, I worried more and more. And then I started eating more, and making myself throw it up. Now, I can’t personally speak for everyone. But, the thing about making yourself throw up is that moment right before you get started and you’re staring down into the toilet is one of the worst parts. No matter how stuffed you feel or how determined you are, you will never want to do it less than in that very moment. When you march off to the bathroom, it seems like the best idea. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s uncomfortable but not that bad. And when you finish, most of the time, you don’t feel all that bad, it varies. Sometimes, you feel shame, sometimes like God, sometimes like I deserve this. Either way, you walk out there head held high, shoulders tilted back, sip your diet coke like nothing ever happened. Just like you taught yourself when you were little, convince people you were untouchable, invincible. Make them love you or make them hate you because they weren’t you. But, I guess I was never really invincible or untouchable from my own doing, which is the ironic thing about it all. Anyhow, this time I was coughing a lot, and I felt every single thing leaving my body in grave detail. Yet, I still just kept jabbing and jabbing down my throat. Cause, I knew I just had to fix it. I just had to fix everything I’d ever done and ever was. The bathroom was empty. But at one point, one of the little cousins roamed in and used the bathroom and God; I felt like such a loser hovered over the toilet clutching my stomach waiting in silence for her to leave. I said to myself, this is the last time. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. And you know what I did, the literal next day? The same exact thing. I can look at a plate and calculate the calories, the grams of protein, the grams of carbs. Tell me your weight, age, height, and activity level. I can probably give you your Basal Metabolic Rate. I can tell you how long it takes for you to deplete glycogen stores. I can tell you what percentage of your calories we’re used up in thermogenesis based on their macronutrient group. I can debate the intuitive eating lifestyle vs. chronic diet culture. Etc etc. etc. I’ve become quite the nutrition and fitness savant. And also, a complete neurotic bore to talk to most of the time. I’m trying to pinpoint why I’ve become so obsessive about it lately. I feel like I’ve really been disappointing everyone in my life on the down low for years. Or that, eventually, I will. Honestly, I don’t know. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I could it make it all stop. This is going to sound cheesy. But sometimes, I wonder if being loved by someone you didn’t lie to in the slightest way about who you are makes it stop, at least for the briefest of moments. But that’s a dangerous and indefinite way of making it stop, waiting for some girl to “save” you. Nope, I’m just going to have to get together and eat like a normal freaking person. I was doing fine before. And now I know, what triggers it. And I, just have to think ahead and prepare. Addendum: It’s about six days later, and I’m doing great. I think. Think, I finally started getting into a pattern that works for me. And I guess, I’m just excited for the future. To leave it all behind, you know. I really am a blast most other times.

Hi arjai101 –

This is one of the most powerful and meaningful letters I’ve ever received.

And I hate it.

I hate it because it horrifies me.  I hate it because of what you’ve been doing to yourself.  I hate it because of the self-loathing and impossible-perfectionism it shows. 

I hate it because I love and care about you so much, and it’s like reading about someone beating you up – except that the beater is you.

So of course, I like the last paragraph though.  If it’s still true after a few days, I like it even better.  And if it stays true, then we’re great – I got a letter that paints me a picture of a hell I have trouble understanding, and you’re moving on to a free and strong life.

But if it doesn’t stay true?  If you fall into the behavior again?  I’m going to insist – you absolutely HAVE  to

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0 Is a relationship always about changing for your partner

Haminah asks: I’m 19. And honestly my relationship has been draining. We’ve only been dating less than a year. But known each over for three. My question is, is a relationship always about changing for your partner? I feel like I am changing myself for someone, and it’s not from a good place personally. I don’t like these changes.

Hi Haminah –

I’m going to give you two answers, which will seem contradictory.  And the reason for the contradiction might annoy you, so I’ll apologize in advance!

My first answer is Absolutely.  Even just a friendly relationship involves some changes – maybe you learn to hold back a couple of opinions because you know how that friend will react to them.  Or in a closer friendship, you might adjust your life to them – for example, my human friend Handsome has a friend he meets for lunch every other Tuesday, just so they are guaranteed to stay in touch. 

A romantic relationship really requires it (did you see all those R’s I used?  Yeah, we dogs say Rrrrrr a lot!).  Maybe someone asks you out and you’d really love that, but you’ve promised to be faithful and not date anyone else.  Or maybe you agree to sped a holiday with their family when you’d rather be with yours. 

Now none of these involve changing yourself deeply, changing your essence.  Over time, however, that always ends up happening.  Maybe at first it’ll just be the the way you laugh, or a phrase you catch yourself using that you heard from them.  Over time it can become way more – have you ever noticed how couples with young children start talking in baby-talk even at their jobs?!  I’ve seen people marry someone of a different religion, completely agreeing that they won’t have to change theirs, but over time it happens anyway.  And political or social beliefs are almost guaranteed to shift to match one’s partner over time.

So again, my first answer is Absolutely – changing is always part of relationships; I’d argue it’s part of what defines a relationship.  After all, the way I behaved was awfully different before I moved in with a human who had expectations of my behavior!

But here’s the second answer:

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0 How to start liking life when you feel you have no control over it

ApoorvaO asks: I sometimes hate my life, no matter I restrain myself. I never go anywhere outside, my parents never took me to any holidays till now. I’m already 20, but have never been to any holidays. I don’t have friends either. All I do is study all year and take stress, and stay home all vacation and go back to hostel after vacation. It suffocates me, I have explained my parents that I need a break too. I need a getaway. They never understand, though even if they did, they cannot because of the financial crisis. I feel sad and frustrated. But I’m helpless.

Hi ApoorvaO –

Your life does sound awfully frustrating, and I sure agree it needs to change.  But you make an interesting word choice – do you see it?  You say you sometimes hate your life, no matter how “I restrain myself.”

You see, my friend, the only thing that’s wrong with your life is that it’s so RESTRAINED!  You’re like a dog who lives in a safe home with loving humans, gets food and medicine and all that, but stays in a crate all day.  And then thinks you need to restrain yourself further!

Well yeah, I don’t want you to hate your life.  But restraint isn’t going to fix it.

What I want you to do is to

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0 How to move on from a relationship that’s gone bad, without becoming hopeless

The Void asks: I am in a relationship with this girl for 8 months, she is the love of my life. But lately it seems that she has lost all attraction towards me, she keeps blaming me for everything I do. All the time she brings back the past mistakes I made and the fights we had. She does not want to meet me nor does she want to talk to me. Last month she got really sick and was hospitalized for that, I took care of her in the hospital for the whole month, not a single person from her family came, her friends did not even contact her. I was doing a job and I took a whole month off, which made my position in the company worse. And now, since she has gotten better, she wants to break up with me. She claims that she lost all trust in me because of something I hid about my academic history. She thinks that I am only using her because I have no one else. She has made this whole relationship a platonic one and now it has come to the point where she is not allowing me to hold her hand. She breaks all contact whenever it is convenient for her. She never expresses that she loves me like she used to. I feel used and mistreated. I want to die, I want to kill myself. Living is becoming more and more painful. I have invested so much time and effort into trying to make this work and got nothing in return. My friends tell me to break all contact with her and move on but honestly I don’t want it to end like this. I have made her my whole life when I am being treated like a slave. If I leave her, then that is the end of it and it will just mean that I got nothing out of this relationship other than pain and suffering. If I don’t leave, then she will continuously make me suffer. And I just don’t know what I will do. I think I will kill myself. But I have posted this because I don’t want to. Help!

Hi The Void –

            This is an awful situation, no question about it.  You have done all you can to try to win this woman over, while she refuses to allow you in, saying you’ve betrayed her trust with that academic issue.  And your being there for her during her illness, as no one else was, hasn’t been enough to change her mind.  In fact, it almost sounds as though that made things worse.

            So I have one question for you: is there any part of her that’s interested in salvaging your relationship?  Is she even saying “If you hadn’t hid that thing, we’d be okay, but since you did, we’re done?”  Because if so, then I’d urge you to set up couples therapy for you two.  With a therapist who neither of you know (or at least you both know equally), so there’s no sense of a bias, who could work to improve your communication and move things past this. 

            But again, this is only if she’s at least acknowledging that she wishes things were better between you.

            If not, then I’m afraid there is nothing you can do, at least for now.  I know it feels awful, but I’d have to side with your friends who say to let the relationship go.

            But if you do, I want to alter your thinking drastically.  You’re afraid that if you do, the last few years will have meant nothing.  That’s just not true: they mean exactly what

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1 Some Notes on Treason – what loyalty and betrayal mean

Some Notes on Treason – what loyalty and betrayal mean

            A very dark word is being spoken in my country a lot these days: “Treason.”  It means a few different things, and none of them is good. 

            The word has been around since the thirteenth century, referring to betraying a trust.  But it goes back to Latin – this is nothing new.

            And of course, we’ve all heard stories of betrayal going back as far as stories go – Judas Iscariot, or the men Odysseus had to fight off to get his home and wife back (but note – always note – the one being in that home who was steadfastly loyal to him, and the only one who recognized him after all his time away, was his dog!).

            But what we hear about it now mostly regards our nations, our governments.  People in our governments doing acts against their own countries, their own people.  For whatever reason.

            Now look, I have to be honest – As a dog, I would be perfectly happy to see all national boundaries fall.  Countries are human creations, and seem to create more trouble than good: wars, prejudices, even travel difficulties.  But as long as they do exist, it really is a sign of bad character when someone betrays their own people (unless it’s for a truly-felt cause.  I’ll never look down on those Germans who rebelled against the Nazis, for example, or Americans who sneaked slaves away from their persecutors!). 

            And we’ve been seeing a lot of this lately.  Even leaders working against their own countries.  I wonder why anyone stands for it.

  (We have a situation here in the U.S. right now where our President got caught breaking the law, doing things against our country’s interests, but not only is he not admitting treason –  he’s accusing the people investigating him of it!)

And this is my big concern.  Not that sometimes people break laws or do bad things.  That’s always happened.  But I worry when I see people not caring  about who their own people are – their family, their nation, even their romantic mates.  And don’t even get me STARTED on those who betray or abandon their dogs!!

So what’s different today?  Why is this happening now?  I wonder if… maybe because you humans have become less attached to each other, due to social media?  Hey, even my writings to you folks are non-national in their nature; I don’t care whether you’re in Nigeria or Pakistan – you’re all just wonderful humans to me!  But while I believe that’s true, and the way the world should keep moving, that doesn’t mean I believe in betraying your own countrypeople, or your boyfriends or girlfriends either.

So as much as I avoid egotism, I’ve got to put this out here: No Dog Has Ever Committed Treason!  We don’t even think that way!  If a dog in a pack starts grabbing more power than they should have, the pack deals with it right away.  It’s how our leadership changes.  It’s not treason, it’s just our way.

Imagine a family dog turning on the family.  It just doesn’t happen.  Does that mean we’re better than you, or just have less imagination?  I’ll leave that question up to you.

But just for now, I’d love for you to take a second to think – who are your ‘packs’ (besides this one I mean!)?  Your relatives?  Your school?  Your city?  Your place of worship? 

Or how about some that get more morally difficult – would you say those of your religion?  Your neighborhood?  How about your race? 

And just for argument’s sake, think of your current romantic relationship, or one you’d like to be in.  What would you consider betrayal from them?  Getting involved with someone else, probably.  But what about lying to you?  Lying about you?  Keeping something from you?  What about just losing some of their feelings for you for a time? 

Where do you draw the line?

I don’t have easy answers for you.  But I do know it’s important to know who you value, who you consider “your people.”  And what you consider to be Treason.

Because until you know these, you won’t really know who you are. 

And it’s only when you know who you are that you can truly act morally. 

Or immorally.  Whichever you happen to choose.