Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when a relationship isn’t working

Lil Chen asks: These past few weeks I’ve realized that I like it when I have admirers. I don’t know why, but I think that’s where my confidence comes from. When boys follow me around or try to get my attention, I gain more confidence, and whenever I hear my Best Friend having more admirers, I lose my confidence and I doubt people’s compliments about me. I don’t like my attitude but sometimes I like it too. I also have ummm…a boyfriend. (Does that make me a bad or selfish person?) He’s my first real relationship. It started just last month, but I’m already doubting it. I envy couples because I want to be like them, having someone to be with and all, but now that I’m in a relationship, I hate it. I don’t like the way my ummm…boyfriend is. He’s too lovey-dovey and insecure, and he gets jealous too easily. I’m still 15 and I don’t know love, but he’s talking about it already. He was my crush, and I told him, expecting him to not want me (all my crushes never liked me back before, that’s probably why I liked them). Now that we’re together, I’m confused as to whether I like him or not. I get scared of him even when he’s not mad. People always tell me I’m lucky because we’re together; they say we’re a cute couple, but I always get insecure when they say that. I can’t even tell my Best Friend about it because she keeps telling me stories about our friends and their break-ups with their boyfriends, and whenever I mention breaking up with him she tells me that I’m like our friends. She hasn’t experienced being in a relationship – that’s probably why – but her words still haunt me. I want to have a boyfriend, but if this is what a relationship feels like then I don’t want it. I want a guy who makes fun of me or makes fun of everything, the one who would do anything to make me laugh, even if his actions are reckless and would probably get him in trouble. The kind of guy who isn’t always lovey-dovey, only during special moments. That’s the guy that I dream of. Sure, I want him to be protective too, and I don’t mind that he gets jealous when I go near guys because that’s how I’ll know he cares about me so much. My other Best Friend told me to break up with him, but I feel like my other Best Friend will shame me if I do, along with other people. I try to picture myself with another guy, but it feels so wrong because I have to be loyal to him. What do you think I should do?

Hi Lil Chen –

Everyone has problems.  Some are more fun than others.  This problem of yours is a VERY fun one!  Oh how I wish all my pack members could have this struggle, instead of the loneliness so many are going through!

Okay, first of all, there is NOTHING wrong with liking attention and admiration.  It’s very natural.  When I go to the dog park, I absolutely expect the boy dogs to chase me; I do not chase them!  The only male I chase is Handsome, my human (and he admires me above anything in the world).  I like being the center female, and expect boy dogs to treat me that way.  And just like you, I can get a little jealous when other females get lots of attention.  But when that happens, I usually just do one of two things – either walk away and find something else to focus on, or do something to get at least some of those boy dogs to notice me.  Either one works, and you can do the same.

But now, onto this boyfriend issue.  It seems to me that the only problem here is that you’re worrying too much!  You had a crush on a boy, you told him you did, and now you’re realizing that you two are different and want different things in a relationship.  Great!  Your job is to Continue reading

0 How to lead peers

Andrei asks: I am a first year high school student, and the chief of my class. But I’m having trouble controlling my friends. On one hand, I don’t want to act bossy, but on the other, I don’t want to disappoint my teachers. What should I do??

Hi Andrei –

I see this same problem at the dog park all the time.  A dog will be running around, trying to get the other dogs there to calm down or behave, and they don’t pay any attention to it.  But when a human walks in and tells dogs to do something, they’ll listen right away.

Now if there weren’t any humans there, the dogs would do what we do in nature, which is to form a pack.  And then there would definitely be a leader.  Probably it would take some time to determine who the leader is, as the dogs who wanted to be leader would have to fight each other for it.  But eventually, one dog would be the one all the other dogs would follow, at least for a while.

But that doesn’t happen at the Continue reading

1 How to meet a stranger you’re attracted to

messier asks: During the past several months, during my morning jog, I’ve exchanged smiles and hellos with an attractive young woman as she stands at her bus stop. I know she lives two blocks down from my street, but I do not know her name, address, or phone number. Also I do not know anybody we have in common in the neighborhood I could ask about her. I wish she could see me in dress clothes instead of morning jogging clothes! Can you think of any other ways I could “coincidentally” bump into her? Approach strategies?!

Hi messier –

Ooh, what a fun question!  Do you know the old song “Bus Stop” by the Hollies?  Might be worth a listen, since it’s kind of what you’re describing (except there aren’t any jogging clothes in the song!).

Now of course I don’t know your neighborhood, so I don’t know exactly what’s there.  But just from what you’ve told me, I do have two ideas.  The first is, one day, to have Continue reading

0 How to grieve the end of a romance

Hermuda asks: At the beginning of this year, I got dumped by the boyfriend whom I was madly in love with. We were very loving towards each other and we loved to play and fool around with each other. I was so much in love with him that it got to the point I’d actually trust him in stealing my innocence in bed. During the first month of our breakup, I was a major wreck. I skipped meals, my grades dropped, my sleeping schedule went whack, I lost interest in everything I loved to do, I had constant suicidal thoughts, and I ignored most of the friends I was extremely close to. I’ve had a handful of boyfriends before him, but never before have I actually done something like that. It never bothered me before when I lost a boyfriend, but during the first month of our break-up, I was breaking down whenever he ignored and walked past me. But now, we are close friends and we both have normal teenage conversations with each other. The only problem is, while he brags about how much he’s in love with a girl he met, I’m walking right next to him thinking about how I wished we were still in a mutual relationship. I was so determined to get over him that I actually decided to help him in trying to hook up with the new girl he’s trying so hard to get. Now that I know he’s happily close friends with the girl, I’m supposed to be happy for him, but no. I’m actually extremely mad and jealous and heart-broken. My friends are doing their part in trying to get me to let him go. Taking me to parties, giving me some of their advice, making me join social groups, occupying me with all the fun activities we used to do, sometimes even giving me rewards for ignoring him (and a penalty for talking to him) but nothing ever seems to work. I can’t get over him. I meet guys who try to hit on me, but none have actually caught my attention. I’ve never held on to my feelings for someone for more than three months before and it really hurts a lot. I want to let go of my feelings for him, but everything everyone has been telling me to do just never worked. Sometimes, I’m even afraid of letting him go. My friends are still trying, but I’m very certain that everyone’s on the verge of ripping their hair out. I’ve sent myself to student services a number of times, but their advice doesn’t really work out for me. So now, I’m turning to you. Please, help me, Shirelle. I want to move on, but I’m still bound to a part of life that holds me back from everything, even my dreams. I want to fulfill my dream, but I can’t when I’ve tossed everything away to regain what is now a memory. I want to be free.

Hi Hermuda –

Before I say anything else, I have to say, this is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt, and poetic letters I’ve ever received.  While your story made me go outside and howl at the moon in chorus with all the lonely heartbroken souls of eternity, it was also your writing that affected me so.  I hope you’re taking your talent seriously – you could easily become a famous novelist or poet!

But you didn’t write me for literary criticism.  So let’s get on to this very difficult situation.

First of all, I’m just so sorry.  I know, it’s very very hard to move on after a breakup.  Especially with a truly special love like this, who just gets into your mind and heart, and haunts you like a ghost.

It’s great that you have good, loyal, and imaginative friends.  And I’m not the one to tell you to disregard any of their specific advice:  Date other guys, or avoid all guys, or take a vacation, or dye your hair a new color…  I can’t tell you that any of these are right or wrong.  I don’t even disagree with your staying friends with him, unless it’s hurting you too much.

The fact is – you just have to get through this time.

What you’re experiencing is actually the Continue reading

0 What to do if a boy hits a girl in fun

prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently had an encounter with a boy slapping me in the face. I did hit him back and just assumed he was just playing. I told my mom about only to find out that she told my grandma and my dad. I told my mom as a way to bond with her and let her know I’m trying to be more open with her and it was only supposed to between her and me. How do I explain this to my mom nicely and how do I tell my dad I don’t want to talk about it with him?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’re dealing here with two problems.  One is with your actual relationship with the boy.  The other is about how different people see certain actions.

With the boy, it sounds like you’re feeling okay about what happened.  I’ll allow that, though I will say that I get a bit concerned about a boy who thinks it’s “just playing” to hit a girl.  When I play with other dogs, it’s very rough, as you can probably guess.   But we have some very specific rules.  One is that if one of us yelps, the other pulls back right away.  Another is that, if one of our humans tells us to stop, we have to stop (at least for a second!).  The problem I’m having is that most boys have a similar rule, to never hit a girl.  So the fact that he slapped you, even in play, means he’s playing by a different set of rules.  And I don’t know what they are.  I certainly don’t want to see a wonderful girl like you in a relationship where it’s considered “okay” for you two to be hitting each other (eventually it wouldn’t be fair to you, just by the nature of the way boys’ arms and shoulders are built).  So I’d really like you to feel like you could talk to him about it – maybe to say “That was okay, and I made it even, but don’t ever hit me again – it won’t be okay next time.”  Something like that.  If you do that, and he respects what you say, all is fine.  (And if he doesn’t, I hereby give you the right to get your friends together to pound him!)

Now, about your parents:  It’s impossible for a kid or a dog to understand the way our Continue reading

0 How loss affects one’s work

Salvatore asks: The first time I wrote you was when I was depressed because of my father’s death. I had the fear that my mom would die too, like my father, but you said that she might live long… your letters were a great satisfaction to me. The problem is this that my mom has died too. After her death it seems to me that the world has stopped, as if life has lost its meanings. Following are the thoughts and problems that have overpowered me: I can’t perform well in studies; I am unable to form concepts; At times I feel too giddy; My mathematics isn’t good; I have nothing that can distinguish me from other people; I overthink the things; I can’t understand how people laugh and talk about silly and useless things. All of this leads me to only one conclusion: ”I CAN’T BECOME A DOCTOR!” I have always wanted to be one. For that I have to get at least 90 percent marks in FSc part 1 and 2. I burnt the midnight oil in part 1, but I got only 84 percent marks because of the totally unfair marking by examiner – and I’m not allowed to challenge him in a court of law. I am really depressed. I am having trouble sleeping, and nightmares. I need a solution!

Hi Salvatore –

Salvatore, you absolutely break my heart.

There are no words I can offer, no licks, no paw, no howling at the moon, that remotely tell how sad I am that you have gone through this second devastating loss so soon.  It’s not fair.  Not in any way.  And if there was something I could do to bring your mother back, I’d do it in a second.  But of course I can’t.  All I can do is look at you with the biggest dog-eyes I can and let you know, I am SO sorry.

I certainly understand your wish to do better in school, and I hope you can.  But I need to tell you, it’s very possible that these two losses have just been too much, and you might not get the best grades right now.  And if so, I have a number of things to say to you.

First, you’re young.  You can take these exams again.  Especially given the reason you can tell the testers about why you were “off” when you took these.  You just might need more time, before you can relax and concentrate enough for them.

Second, the things you tell me about your feelings make me think that you’re still in a state of shock.  This will pass.  You will be affected by these losses forever, of course, but you will survive them.  People do every day.  And you will get stronger.

Third, there’s a thing the great people in Continue reading

0 Should a person tell someone they’re bisexual?

alpet asks: I’m a 32-year-old bi guy more on the gay side, sexually speaking. I’d like to have your advice on my story: Ten days ago, my brother’s wife introduced me to her classmate, 9 years my junior. We met again just the two of us. I like her, and so does she — that’s what she told my sister-in-law. So, I’m thinking of taking this further, but I feel insecure due to the following: I am less experienced with females, physically/sexually speaking. Two unsuccessful casual encounters with complete strangers, and one with a girl I started dating a year ago. I normally don’t get super-attracted to women unless there’s some intimate contact already happening. So I feel torn between the urge to continue dating (and why not) going toward a serious relationship with her, and my insecurity that there won’t be this physical/sexual fulfillment between us, in the long run. Should I, so, continue dating, and get physically intimate, and see what happens? Should I also take a break from casual contact with males? P.S. We live in a conservative society, so a male’s bisexuality is not welcome by the opposite sex.

Hi alpet –

I really appreciate your openness about this, especially given what you say about your society.  But the answer I give you will have nothing to do with your orientation at all.

You see, I’m a dog.  And we dogs have a reputation that we absolutely deserve, of, when we see someone or something we like, running up and absolutely covering it with excitement and desire and hunger.  We don’t remotely know how to savor food, the way you humans do.  And we don’t subtly walk up and seduce people, the way cats do – if there’s someone we’re happy to see, we’re all over them in a second – licking, pawing, chewing, all of it!

And this is even true when it comes to sex.  When a female is in heat, males will smash through windows to get to them.  And when she’s not, our males generally really aren’t all that interested – they certainly don’t “wine and dine” us!

And that’s great for us pooches.  It works fine.  But it’s not a good way for humans to be, for the most part.  Your brains are too big, and you don’t have a sexual cycle the way we do.  You can become interested in each other at any time, anywhere – and that means you need to act in different ways.

What I’m getting at, alpet, is that you’re jumping way ahead, like a Rottweiler on a steak – but your human brain is seeing the problems in that.

What if, instead of deciding Continue reading

0 How to feel comfortable in different environments

Buendia asks: I’m very shy. I know I can talk with people at school and everything but I don’t know what I would do if I saw them outside of school. Let’s say I meet an acquaintance; what do I do? Do I talk with them or not? Do I completely avoid them or try to hide from them? Or what if I see my classmates outside? I would hate them seeing me. This fear of mine has made me come to such a point that I am scared of going out from my house. I am only comfortable going out with my parents and my close friends, (about 6 people). And another thing, I feel embarrassed about being seen with my brother. Like take today for instance, he wanted to go outside and it’s a beautiful day but want I don’t to go outside cause he dresses so loud. I always wanted to be not this person. Hanging out with people judging their looks. But unfortunately I am. I am no racist but I only hang out with people who have a good dressing sense, like my closest friends. So my questions are: What is this problem I have? How do I cure it, and is this just social anxiety? I am sick of living in fear of seeing people I sort of know outside and them seeing me, especially if they are in a group.

Hi Buendia –

I can only guess as to what’s really going on with you, but here are my top three guesses:

1)    A famous US president once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Most likely, this is your situation.  You meet up with people in a place that isn’t normal for you (“normal” in the sense that you always see them at school), and you wonder what you should say.  Then that makes you worry that maybe you’d say the wrong thing.  Then that makes you worry that you aren’t saying enough.  And that makes you worry that you might look wrong.  And that makes you worry… and on and on.  So the only thing that is truly worthy of your worrying about is all your crazy worrying!  If this is the case, my advice is to Continue reading

0 When people think what you like is weird

McKenna asks: My friends and my family always make fun of anything I like because I like stuff that almost no one else does. I know that I should not care what anyone else thinks, but it hurts when they make fun of the things I like. Also my mom always thinks that I’m too old for this stuff, so she won’t let me get anything I like because she thinks its dumb. How am I supposed to ignore them when it’s all I can think about?

Hi McKenna –

This world would be a lot easier and more fun if everyone would just accept that not everyone likes the same things, and that that’s okay (as long as no one’s being hurt or taken advantage of).

I deal with this all the time.  Handsome thinks about 99% of what I like is just fine.  He loves watching me run, he loves feeding me dinner and treats, he loves that I love him and other people.  But when I smell some really fragrant cat poop and find it delightful to roll in and eat, he’s downright intolerant!  He washes me off with soap, and makes me sleep outside till my breath goes back to normal!  Really, he’s my favorite person in the world, but at moments like that, he’s kind of a jerk!

At the same time, believe it or not, Handsome has had a number of friends (and especially girlfriends – you know, the sort of friends where they hug and kiss and all that?) who have serious problems with how much he likes me!  “What’s the big deal?  She’s just a dog!”  “What’s wrong with you, are you in love with that dirty mutt?”  “You don’t let it near food, do you?”  People are just funny that way!

The problem for you is, like Handsome’s problems with his friends and girlfriends, you can’t just ignore them.  Here’s something you really like, and here’s someone who’s super-important in your life (even your mom!) saying that you shouldn’t like it.  That’s completely crazy-making!

So, to answer your question… You Continue reading

0 Should friends become boyfriend and girlfriend because one of them says they should?

Howling wolves asks: I have a friend that I like, and he likes me. But my mom had a long talk with the two of us and said that she’s fine with us hanging out and liking each other, but she said that I’m NOT allowed to have a boyfriend. I’m ok with it, but lately that friend keeps telling me that we NEED to be boyfriend and girlfriend to be together, and that he doesn’t want to be just friends anymore. I can’t disobey my mother, so what should I do?

Hi Howling wolves –

One of the toughest, and most important, things about growing up is developing a sense of your self-worth.  We dogs tend to have it pretty easily, unless it’s beaten out of us (which happens more often than I’d like to admit).  But you humans, with your giant brains, have a tougher task at hand.

You see, when you’re children, normally you defer to adults’ opinions on everything – and that’s good.  You want to cross a busy street alone, your mother tells you you aren’t ready to do that yet, and while your ego says “Sure I am!” you develop a sense that she might know something you don’t, and so you don’t walk out there (and, by making that decision, you live another day!).

Then you get a little older, and start school, and the same thing happens with the other kids.  You want to wear your Hello Kitty t-shirt to school because you love it, but the kids in your class think Hello Kitty is kind of “last year,” and, although it’s your favorite shirt, you learn to choose the clothes that will help you fit in more.  And again, this is totally okay (as long as you don’t throw the shirt out – since fashions change!).

But then you get a little older, and find yourself in just the situation you’re Continue reading