Category Archives for "Questions"

0 Is it right to stay with someone when you’re not expected to live as long

GREED asks: My Girlfriend has a heart problem. She says that it would be a waste for me to stay with her, because she can’t trust her health, or might die young. She says that I am the only son in the family, so I should find someone better. I told her “in times of sour or in times of sweet we will have it together.” What does she want or mean? And what should I do? How to deal with her?

Hi GREED –

My friend, if any member of my pack has a name less fitting than yours, I’m not sure who that’d be.  Any woman, and likely any man, who reads your letter is just going to melt, and wish they had someone in their life who loved them as unconditionally and beautifully as you love your girlfriend.  I’m going to declare you an honorary DOG – your love is just that perfect!!

Humans are innately subject to self-esteem problems, and while most people suffer for sillier reasons (“I’m not good looking enough,” “I’m not rich enough,” “I’m not popular enough”), your girlfriend has a devastating one: she has, possibly, a low expectancy for the length of her life.  I can’t imagine how awful that must be.

And she is being kind.  She feels you deserve a woman who can live with you for your lifetime, who can be counted on to raise children with you, who can be a help to you and not just the other way.  She doesn’t feel worthy of you.  And that is beautiful, and heartbreaking.

So you want advice?  I’ll give it straight here to you:  I want you to Continue reading

0 How to deal with double-standards

Jhalli asks: If a girl changes her boyfriend in a particular time to find someone better for her life, but doesn’t find him – and approximately she changes her boyfriend more than 5 times? One day 2 or 3 boys out of them say that that girl is characterless, or a girl who slept with every boy and changed to another when she was satisfied, or they blackmail her with her photo and their chat. In this case, who is wrong – those boys or the girl? If the girl then why, and in that case, which path or step is right for her to follow? And if both then why?

Hi Jhalli –

Do you know the term “Double-Standard?”  It means when a person has (or a lot of people have) the view that some people need to follow one rule in life, but others don’t.   At its most extreme it’s the definition of oppression (one race can drink out of these water fountains but others can’t; one race has the right to walk freely on the street but this race can’t!).  But today it’s usually more subtle.

What you’re dealing with is, of course, not as awful as the sort of oppression a bad government might do, but, in a social context, just INSANE.

I have no argument with those who believe that people should stay completely innocent till they marry.  If that’s the way they want to live, that’s fine.  But to say that men can run around and date whoever they want but women have to only be with one man their whole life – that’s cruel.

I’ll admit it probably made sense a while ago, when women had less control over their own bodies, and there was literally the problem where, if a woman got close to more than one man, she might find herself with a baby with an unknown father!  Okay.  But today you have LOTS of ways to keep that from happening, and just going out to dinner with two, or five, different guys, isn’t going to create any big problem!

I’m not saying that these boys mean to Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

Well… it takes patience!

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

What?!  What did I Continue reading

0 How to deal with creepy strangers

Melissa asks: Today after school me and my friends were sitting in the train station talking, when suddenly a bunch of men appeared and gave us problems, assaulting us. Both my friends were angry but I was calm when the man told me he so-called “loved” me. I said, “I love you too.” I even talked to the man who was bothering me to find out why he was doing this. Most people say you need to avoid such. Was I right to talk to them? Did I act in a right way?

Hi Melissa –

There are decisions in life where the answer is based on morality.  Is it right to insult a helpless person?  Is it right to hit a baby?  Is it right to kick a puppy?  (I’ll give you a hint about me – I’m going to say “No” in each of these cases!)

But other times, the answer of what is “right” is based on the result of the action.  The easiest example is something we’ve seen in tons of stories, where a ticking time bomb is reduced to two wires , one blue and one red.  If you leave them as they are, it will go off in thirty seconds and kill you and everyone around you.  If you cut one wire, it will blow up right away.  If you cut the other, you’ll defuse the bomb and save everyone.  But there’s no way of knowing which is which.  What’s the right thing to do?

Well, the only way to know is to choose a wire and cut it.  And you’ll find out very quickly whether you chose the right one or not!

As I see it, Melissa, you were in a “time bomb” situation.  You didn’t know these men, and neither did your friends.  You wanted to be safe, to not be hurt by them.  Maybe ignoring them would have made them leave you alone, and maybe it would have angered them and they would have harassed you in a worse way.  Maybe yelling at them to go away would have gone well, or very not.  And maybe being friendly and curious would work, or not.

Well you chose the latter, and it worked.  So, as with cutting the red or blue wire, you made the right  decision.  Now does that mean you should always do what you Continue reading

0 What to do when you find out something awful about your boyfriend or girlfriend, while they’re going through a bad time.

Snowball18 asks: My long distance boyfriend’s sister just died, and at the same time I came to know that he had lied to me about not having any girlfriends before me, and about being a virgin too. I am a virgin and this is my first relationship. I don’t know how to react to this – how and when should I tell him I know this?

Hi Snowball18 –

Oh what a horrible story!  I’m so sorry, about his loss and about this awful discovery.

I think the answer to your question, though, is that you need to divide these two issues up clearly.  And ask yourself what you’d do with each.

Now with his sister dying, I imagine you’d be enormously supportive and loving.  You might even try to travel to see him and his family.  You’d listen to his pain, you’d try to comfort him, you’d do everything you could to help him through this so-unfair experience.

But if she hadn’t died, if she was doing just great, or if he’d never had a sister at all… how would you react to this news about his past, and his lie?  Would you just call him a liar?  Would you break up with him?  Would you smash up his home?  Would you growl and bark and bite him so hard you ripped the seat out of his pants (that’s what I’d do, but I’m not saying that’d be necessarily best)?

The issue here is Continue reading

0 What to do when missing someone keeps you from being able to work.

Smile asks: You may remember my question about my guy best friend. We became closer than ever after your amazing advice, but he has to leave for higher studies now, and I have one more year to complete in my current school (he was my senior). We will not be able to contact with each other for a long time because he is going to hostel (where phones are not allowed). We both completely understand that leaving for studies is important for his future, but both of us felt frustrated and sad after we said our final farewell. I hate goodbyes, and I feel like I will hate school more than ever now because he was my only true friend. It has now reached a point where I can’t concentrate on anything else except my sadness and the thought of him going. I also know that he feels the same, but there seems nothing we could do about it . I miss him so much. Please help me deal with it.

Hi Smile –

What a sad story!  I wish I knew more – like how long he’ll be there, and if he can use a phone sometimes (maybe on weekends?).  I can’t imagine he’s being cut off from all contact, unless he’s joining a monastery or on some other spiritual path where he needs to do that.

But in the meantime, you’re stuck with this problem on a daily basis.

Now sadly, there’s nothing I can recommend to make you stop missing him.  And I imagine you wouldn’t want  to stop missing him.  You love him and everything’s good between you; why would you want him not to matter?

What we need is for you to find something else to focus on in the meantime.  Yes, you have schoolwork, but of course your brain is going to get distracted with that (there’s a reason they call it work; if it was always exciting it wouldn’t require such effort!).  So imagine he was still there, and you could talk to him every day – but you also had a few hours to spend on something besides him and your schoolwork.  What would you most like it to be?  Would you like to learn a new skill?  Play an instrument?  Get involved in a sport?  Maybe do a volunteer activity?  (Like work at an animal shelter taking care of scrumptious pups like me who need love and attention and extra treats?!!!)

But I want you to do something else too, right away.  I want you to Continue reading

0 What to do when a lie you’ve told makes you look bad

Suzen asks: I have a boyfriend. I lied him that I am addicted to drugs. Then he told this to his sister. Now I’ve fallen in love with him, but his sister doesn’t want me in his life. He’s upset. How do I get out of this situation?

Hi Suzen –

Your question reminds me of an old trick that lawyers like to play in courtrooms.  They’ll get a person onto the stand, where they’ve sworn to tell the truth, and ask them a question like “Have you stopped beating your wife?”  The person starts to argue against the question, and they’ll demand, “Yes or No!  Have you stopped beating your wife?!”  Of course, if the person says “No,” then it sounds like they beat their wife.  If they say “Yes,” then it sounds like they used to beat their wife.  The question doesn’t allow for the fact that they never touched her!

But Suzen you don’t need a lawyer to do this to you; you did it to yourself!  Your boyfriend’s sister (and maybe your boyfriend as well) will want to know if you’re still addicted to drugs.  If you say yes, obviously that means you’re an addict and she has reasons to worry about her brother being involved with you.  If you say no, then they have to wonder if you’re really over the drugs, if you might go back onto them, and all that.

The only solution to this is based in something I don’t know:  WHY did you say this to him?

Whatever the reason was, whether it was to push him away, to make yourself sound more interesting, to sound like an expert… I don’t know.  But if you want to keep him as a boyfriend, you’re going to need to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re attracted to someone like your abusive parent

HoneyBunny asks: I want to have a stable relationship. I will tell you something about my family background first, as many people keep on saying that my mind is unstable because of my family issues. So my mum and dad got separated 7 years ago, and my dad got into a relationship with some other lady, and my mum got married and has started staying with her husband in another city. She does provide me everything, but her presence is what I crave. I have no contact with my real father or his family. And I was in a relationship with a guy and we ended up because he was apparently cheating on me. And I like someone now but that guy is just like my real father. I don’t want myself to fall for him, because he isn’t doing any job – he drinks a lot, and even abuses a lot, but still I am very much attracted to him. Please suggest something.

Hi HoneyBunny –

This is really unfair!  This is too many awful things happening to you all at once!  I can’t even tell if you’re living with an adult now, or if you’re too young to be living that way, and … ARRGH it’s just not right!

So I have to say, it makes TOTAL sense that you would be drawn to a man who reminds you of your father.  You have a deep need for this man who has disappeared from your life, and are trying to replace him with someone similar.

What’s GREAT is that you’re aware of the guy’s problems, and especially that they are the same as your dad’s.

I just sent out a newsletter with a piece on this exact issue – what to ask yourself before dating someone.  If you didn’t get it, you might want to look at it: https://askshirelle.com/2019/02/15/twenty-questions-avoid-dating-problems/

But in the meantime, you have a bigger job, which is to find out how to get what you need from a guy who doesn’t have these flaws.

What I want you to do is to Continue reading

0 Should you marry someone who keeps secrets

Zoei asks: I’m engaged. Last year my fiancée started talking to another woman; when I asked he said its someone his interested in but wanted them to be friends with me first (polygamy). I asked him to stop contact with her and he did. Early this year I just got a feeling that he was doing something, and yes he was talking to the same woman. They seem to call each other at night, but he denied it. When I showed him his phone he kept quiet. I asked him why he’s still talking to the same woman I asked him to lose contact with; he asked how I know it’s the same person. I said because I know her number. He said nothing is happening between them. I said fine let me call her and ask her why she’s calling you at night, and he said fine. I acted like I was dialing the number, he said do it and you will see. I asked him why he was being defensive, he didn’t answer me; and I asked why they’re calling each other at night, when, if she’s a client, couldn’t it wait till morning office hours. Two weeks ago I saw a text on his phone from her (I was using the phone to text my mum) saying “I’m back, let me know when you’re here.” We were with friends at a party but I couldn’t stand it anymore. I pulled him outside and asked him what he was doing at her place. He denied it, then said nothing is going on. I just left him there and I walked back home. He tried calling me and I just ignored him. He came back home after 30 minutes. He said I shouldn’t have walked away, and how much he loves me, and the fact that we left our home town to another town to pursue our dreams, so he’s not going to let me go. But the feeling is not going away. On Sunday he called her seven times; she didn’t answer. He now calls her almost every day, in the morning mostly. He says she knows he has a woman. Now I’m playing the fool, acting like I can’t see anything. What do I do?

Hi Zoei –

Okay, I have an answer for you, but first I have one gigantic question.  A question so big, it might determine your entire future:

Are you sure it’s the same woman?  I mean are you ABSOLUTELY sure?  Is it even 0.00001% possible that that woman canceled her phone account and a client of your fiancee’s astoundingly happened to get that number?  Is it NO QUESTION that it’s absolutely her?

If you’re not 100% sure (and yes I mean more than 99.99999%!), then you absolutely MUST find out.  If your fiancee has a job where he has to keep his clients confidential, and so can’t tell you, then he’s already doing an awful job of it by letting you see his phone.  But if you have the right, then yes, call her, ask her about their relationship, or how about having your fiancee take you with him to meet her (it could look totally innocent; he meets her for a business reason, and brings you along because you wanted to go shopping near there while they met, something like that).

But if you know, if you’re absolutely sure this is the same woman…  then Continue reading

0 How to gain custody of a child

dan77 asks: I need to get custody of my son because his mother does nothing with him. What do I do?

Hi dan77 –

Sadly, while I can certainly commiserate with you about the difficulties you’re facing, and how awful this is for you, there’s no advice I can give about how to get custody.  For two reasons – one, I’m not an attorney and don’t know much about law; and two – I don’t even know where you live, and if I did know law, I’d only know those for my country or state, and so still wouldn’t be able to help you.

You MUST Continue reading