Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when you get depressed at college

Loser101 asks:  You’ll be glad to know that I’m overcoming my slight body dysmorphia and I finally think I’m pretty good looking haha, and I’ve gotten into my dream university. Life’s going pretty good but I feel lonely, all my friends are drifting away, they’re busy with their own lives, and it’s kind of hard to accept. I’m learning but it’s a slow process. I’ve been doing the exact same routine of checking my socials continuously every day for the past two months, and it’s a drag honestly. I’m aware of this toxic behaviour but I can’t let it go. I want to feel wanted by people. I broke up two months ago – the guy was toxic so it was good I guess, but I miss having someone to talk to constantly. It’s hard really, I don’t know why, but I can’t focus on myself like some of my friends tell me to when I’m telling them these things. Recently I’ve started getting into prayer and meditation – they do help but I relapse at times.

Hi Loser101 –

         I don’t know where you live, but if it’s in the northern hemisphere, I’m going to tell you that you’re right on schedule.  The January/February time is known by many colleges and universities as the highest time for Depression and Isolation there.  I’m not sure why – maybe because people have just reconnected with their families, or maybe because it’s winter and harder to go outdoors, or perhaps just because it’s that time in the transition from everyone you know there being strangers into friends into people who will matter to you the rest of your life. 

         Whatever the cause, what you’re experiencing could not be more normal.  The alienation, the questioning.  Especially, ESPECIALLY, because you broke up with that guy two months ago.  I’m sure you’ll be better off in the long run, but for right now, you’re remembering how nice it was to have a boyfriend!

         So I have two recommendations.  First is to accept that this is just a transitional time, and to make some plans over the next couple of months to get away when you can.  Do you have someone you’re friendly enough with to take a day-trip on a weekend to visit somewhere nearby?  Or maybe you have some family you could visit for a day or two?  Just get through this time – things WILL get better, and likely that’ll happen when the weather improves and everyone around you develops better moods!

         But second, spending all that time on social media, while it does help you feel less alone, just keeps you more connected with your “outside” life, and less with the people you’re near right now.  Can you spend part of that time getting together with some of these new people and doing something fun?  Seeing a movie, grabbing a meal, or just complaining about how damned depressing everything is?!

         We dogs don’t really experience what you’re living.  For me, the most depressing times I’ve ever known have been when I’ve been locked up in a pound, a kennel, or a veterinarian’s office.  And all those times I’ve been literally  kept away from everyone and everything I know.  Other dogs experience being given away by their families, and maybe that’s closer to what you’re going through – even though you’re where you are as a choice!

         What we dogs are great at is what you’re not doing right now – exploring our world, finding ways to socialize, ways to make life interesting.  I’m guessing you’ll have no trouble doing just that, around March. 

         But for now, just do your best.  Get through this time, and see if you can make some good experiences.  Before you know it, everything will likely change and your current blah world will become your favorite place.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend tells your secrets

Vitu asks:

I have a boyfriend who tells people what I tell him. He goes behind my back to discuss me with other people, and then he toys and teases me about it. Should I dump him or continue with the relationship?

Hi Vitu –

This is something we dogs never deal with.  We communicate in ways that you people often don’t understand (through sounds and smells and gestures), but we don’t keep secrets.  We don’t even know how!  So the only thing that happens behind anyone’s back is… well… sniffing!

But I know that you humans take these things very seriously.  Secrets, promises, confidentiality, are part of human intimacy.  And for many people, telling those special secret somethings to others is not too far from cheating.

Then I see other people who feel the exact opposite.  My human friend Handsome has dated a number of women who see nothing wrong in sharing every intimate detail of their relationship, including anything he’s told her in confidence, with their closer friends.  They wouldn’t blab them to others, but they feel just fine about that.  (He does not agree with them, by the way, and it often contributed to their breaking up!)

So I think this is one of those situations where you and your boyfriend have different values and needs.  Which is true in all relationships eventually.  The question – the VERY BIG question – is whether or not you two can work this out, in a way that respects you both.

Now from what you wrote me, I’m getting the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t respect your feelings about this at all.  What I don’t know is whether you’ve told him how much it means to you.  If he doesn’t know, then I can’t fault him; it’s just your job to tell him how you feel.

And once he knows, he might have some perfectly fair responses.  Like, “But I need my friends to hear what I’m dealing with; it’s something I’ve always needed in all sorts of circumstances.  I don’t do this to insult you.  Darling, I do it so that our relationship can work!”

Or he might be shocked and say, “I’m so sorry!  I had no idea I was doing anything that would bother you.  Tell me specifically what it is you want me to keep secret, and I’ll do it absolutely.”

Or he might laugh and say “Oh you’re just a prude.  Stop being so sensitive!”

And his response will tell you a lot about what to do next in this relationship.  If it’s the first, then he’s ready for a very mature exchange, and I’d say this guy is a keeper.  If it’s the second, then he’s a good guy, but I’d guess the issue might come up again in the future, as he tries to figure out how to balance his needs and yours.

And if it’s the third, he simply doesn’t respect your feelings.  And yes, I’d say to head for the dumpster!

The important thing here is to respect your own needs.  Listen to him, sure, but you deserve to have a relationship where you feel safe, loved, and honored.

Like mine with Handsome.  Well, safe and loved anyway.  It’s hard to feel honored when someone jumps onto you while you’re sleeping, covering you in kisses and calling you “Knucklehead!”

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to make your boyfriend fall in love with you again

Rockie asks: I want to find out how I can make my boyfriend fall in love with me again

Hi Rockie –

       Love is an incredibly complex and difficult power, and its workings have confused humans forever.  But as a dog, I understand that it’s also very simple.  So I’m going to give you a very simple answer, but that doesn’t mean your relationship with him isn’t also very complex, with tons of aspects I know nothing about!

       Here’s my answer: if he’s fallen out of love with you, it’s because of one of two things.  Either nothing has changed (and he’s getting a little bored or taking you for granted), or something has changed (maybe he doesn’t like a change in you, or maybe he’s changed, or maybe he’s met someone else).

       And similarly, there are two solutions.  One is, if nothing has changed, to change things up a bit.  Suggest doing some different things together, dress differently, talk about things you’ve never discussed, jump on him and lick his face till he screams (okay, that’s what I’d do but maybe it’s not right for you two!).

       And the other is, if things have changed, to talk about them with him, and see what he wants.  Maybe he wants the old you, and that’s possible, or not, for you to be again; maybe his views on things have changed and he’d be very interested in whether you’d be willing to join him on his journey; and maybe he’s interested in someone else, and there’s nothing you can do about it but to hope he changes his mind.

       What these all add up to, Rockie, is that nothing I can suggest will make anyone fall in love with anyone, but there are things you can do to make this guy feel heard, comfortable, excited… whatever it is that would stop his feelings from continuing to change. 

       Once you do that, the rest will be up to him.  And at that point, I can only wish you the best of luck. 

       (Or, the ability to realize that you two shouldn’t be together, and that that’s okay too – you can free each other to find better relationships and happier lives)

       But meanwhile, BEST OF LUCK!

       Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s mother just doesn’t like you.

Scarlett4 asks:

My boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of problems, including him making some big mistakes in the past.  But now there is a different problem – I don’t think his mom likes me that much. She is just talking with me regularly just for his child’s sake.

Hi Scarlett4 –

Yeah this problem is REALLY common – about as common as fathers not liking the boys their daughters bring home!  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – I think it usually stems from that parent having two experiences: first, having been the person in love with their kid longer than anyone else (falling rapturously mad over the baby, then the toddler, then the sweet kid, then the rebellious teen… ALL of those!); and second, having been the person who took care of that kid all the time, the one whose whole life was built around their child.

So after all that, how could anyone the young person brings home ever seem good enough?!  I can certainly tell you that my human friend Handsome has brought lots of girlfriends to me over the years, and not one of them has ever offered to spend all day guarding the house against prowlers, or chased the squirrels and cats out of the yard, or curled up and lay protecting him through hundreds of nights.  Not one!  So how could I ever say they’re good enough for him?!

Well, there actually is an answer.  And that’s for you to win her over.  For you to be such delightful company, to be the daughter she always wanted, to be her new best friend.

I see it all the time.  Sure she loves her son more than anything in the world, but you’re way more fun to go shopping with.  And besides, hanging out with you is a way of staying close with him, in a way she hasn’t been able to since he started insisting on going out with friends and not telling her everything anymore!

You two can even start to talk about MEN together!  Don’t get too insulting about her baby boy, but you two can definitely roll your eyes at each other about how they’re all obsessed with sports or unable to talk about feelings or never notice your new hairstyles or… you get the idea!

Now maybe I’m wrong, and she’s not this fun loving mom, but rather kind of mean and judgmental.  Well in that case, I’d recommend doing THE EXACT SAME THING – warm her up by being delightful.  I can’t tell you how many times it’s worked for me (often with people who simply don’t like dogs!).

At least give it a try.  And if nothing works, then maybe you can get your boyfriend, who (from your previous letters I know) needs to make up for some stuff, to pay a little bit of his debt by talking to her and getting her to cool it with you.

But first try being her new BFF.  That’s the best way, and so much more fun!

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with Depression.

rain asks:

When I stepped in 9th grade I started having thoughts about death, felt hopeless, worthless, like a failure, I was on edge… I didn’t know what I was feeling I was so confused. One day my friend told me you look like a depressed person so I went home and researched depression.  Almost everything that I was feeling was there but I didn’t want to diagnose myself, so I ignored it. I started being more absent in school, didn’t want to leave my home, but when I stayed home my dad was angry and he said very hurtful things which made me worse.  When I was a kid so many people in my life who were considered family touched me in wrong ways, and my parents fought a lot and they still do, so basically everything that went wrong in my life started becoming a weight on me. I felt like a burden to my family because I scored very low in my exams, so I started cutting myself (I have stopped now). So now three years later I have come to a point where I don’t feel anything. The words that should hurt me or anger me don’t anymore. I feel numb and empty.  I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m bursting out of myself.  Nothing feels good anymore and I have no goals anymore. I don’t feel passionate about anything. My finals are approaching and I don’t what I am gonna do. I feel like a huge disappointment to my family, and I have started thinking about ending it all by killing myself. But I’ve realized I need help and I want you to give me advice.

Hi rain –

Let me start with one simple fact.  You have Depression.

Your letter, in fact, is basically a textbook definition of Depression.  Psychologists would give it a more specific name (Major Depressive Disorder for starters), but that’s not that important for now.  What’s EXTREMELY important is three things.

First of all, it is 100% normal for teenagers to go through a depressed time.  Human brains actually need it – your whole identity is changing from being a child to being an adult, and your mind needs to kind of “go into the woods for a while” to transition.  We hear adults complain about “sullen teenagers,” but they’re only forgetting that they went through just the same phase when they were young.  It’s a necessary time, and it can be a very useful time – your growing brain and self-awareness can lead to your gaining awareness about the world, empathy for others, your own moral code.  These are great things, and a beautiful benefit from this experience.  (While there are lots of negatives about this too, such as loss of interest in schoolwork, as you’ve found).

But secondly, your Depression is NOT just a normal teenage phase.  If I’m reading you correctly, you were abused by your family, more than once and by different people.  This has led to a Depression that has gone on for years, not just weeks or months.  And you’ve even cut yourself and reached a point of contemplating suicide.  This is an Emergency – your life is literally in danger from this Depression.  And something has to be done.

The first, and most important, thing I want you to do is to find a professional to talk with about your feelings and experiences.  I don’t know where you live, or what your lifestyle is, but a therapist, a psychologist, a religious leader who has training in counseling – any of these will help.  But you need someone, more than just a caring friend, who knows about Depression, and can help you manage it, and eventually work past it.

Secondly, they may recommend some sort of medication to help with the Depression.  I’m a big supporter of such medicines, but ONLY when they’re given by a doctor, with someone who keeps their eye on you!  Anti-Depressant medicines are not one-size-fits-all, and a pill that makes one person’s life five times better could make someone else break out in rashes, not be able to sleep, or get even more depressed.

(There’s also a danger you might relate to, that sometimes people feel as low as you do now, and take a medication that boosts their optimism just a little, to where they don’t feel good yet, but suddenly believe it’s possible to overcome these bad feelings… and this sense of possibility leads them to commit suicide!  Which of course doesn’t actually make anything better.  You see, when they didn’t see any way out, they were actually safer!  So again, I’m all for medicines, but only when prescribed by a medical doctor, and with someone following you closely to make sure they don’t take you the wrong way!)

And third, at some point, maybe not now while you’re still at home, you’re going to have to do some therapeutic work about what was done to you.  This will be painful – you’ll re-experience some of the trauma you felt as a child.  But it will be necessary, both to end the Depression and to move on into a better life.

I am SO GLAD, rain, that you reached out to me.  It was brave, and I am deeply grateful for your trust.  If I can help you in any way to find the help you need, I’ll be glad to.  But you’ve already done the first step, just by writing this letter.

I also love the name you picked for yourself.  Because you’ve just had three years of rain.  With big dark clouds, no sunshine, no blue skies, no singing birds.

But you know what’s coming?  Once you’re able to take charge of your life and beat this Depression down? 

Oh, your life will be such clear skies, with such beautiful bright morning sun, and all the birds and butterflies in the air, and the little animals running around grabbing food (and yes, us dogs chasing them with such joy!).

And bright green grasses and new leaves on the trees, and flowers – explosive flowers blasting out colors you can’t even imagine – all because of these three years of rain.

It’s not just going to be okay, rain.  It’s going to be glorious. 

Not yet, I know.  But soon.  Once you can move past this awful, awful time.

Let me know how I can help,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your friend thinks you’re cheating with his girlfriend?

Milan asks:

My childhood friend has a girlfriend. She and I started talking, only to solve the disputes or quarrels between him and her, but as this kept going we kept talking to each other and we got addicted to each other, till we got talking to each other almost every day, though neither of us wants a relationship with each other. But when my friend got to know that we talk this much, he told his girlfriend to not to talk to me. We kept talking, though, even though my friend told me to not to talk to her.  So now he thinks that me and his girlfriend are cheating on him and he don’t trust me. What should I do?

Hi Milan –

         I think the problem here is pretty simple, even for a doggy brain, but how to deal with it is much tougher.

         The fact is, your friend asked both you and his girlfriend to not talk to each other, and you went ahead and did it.  Your friend lost trust in the two of you, and is even imagining that you two have done more than just talk behind his back.  I have to admit, that makes sense to me.  You went against his wishes, and he’s hurt and angry, and imagining things.

         But there are two ways to look at this, and what you do next depends on which of them you pick. 

         First, if we say he had the right to ask this of you two, then you and she are at fault, and you need to beg his forgiveness, and start obeying his wishes, and not talk with her, at least unless you’re with him.

         But second, you might say that he had no right to ask you two to not speak, especially as you were working to help their relationship get better.  And if that’s the case, then he’s the one at fault, and you and she need to let him know this, so he can improve.

         But is it possible to do both?  Could you and she both tell him that you kept talking because you felt his request was absurd, and figured he’d get better at dealing with it.  But that now you realize you were wrong to do so behind his back, and you both feel just awful about hurting his feelings this way, and so will agree to not talk with each other for a while, till he can start to trust you two again.

         Do you see the difference here?  You’re agreeing to do what he wanted, because it means so much to him, but you’re still saying that you think his concerns and request were mistaken, and are hoping he works past all that soon.  That’s very different from saying either that he was purely wrong, or that you were.

         It’s like when my human friend Handsome leaves food on a short table that’s below my head-level.  Was I wrong to eat it when he wasn’t looking?  Sure.  But was he dumb to leave it there?  Absolutely.  And when this happens, he doesn’t get very angry with me; he knows it was really his fault.

         Here’s hoping your friend has as clear a realization.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What does it mean when someone says they “just want to be friends?”

PERFECTION asks:

Shirelle can you please elaborate this for me? Why do girls say they can’t be with you, because to them you’re only just a friend?  I’ve been struggling to understand that sentence, does it mean I wasn’t enough? Perhaps I was too much of a loser to be with her?  Ugly? 

Hi PERFECTION –

This one is always tough.  I do know cases where women (or men – both use this line a lot) say it and mean exactly what it says: they value their friendship with you and are scared that dating might ruin it.

But then it also can mean that they just aren’t interested in you romantically, or that they’re not interested in you at all (Handsome’s had a number of “I want to be just friends” cases who then wouldn’t return his phone calls!  Some friends!).

What’s unquestionably true is that they’re trying to say “no” in the nicest way possible.  And so I’m a big fan of playing along, whatever they mean.  Because if you get angry or hurt with them, it’ll just make them wary of getting together with you in the future, and maybe lead to them warning other girls to avoid you because you get so emotional!

Best to agree to be their friend, and then find out over time what they really meant.  Because in the short term, there’s no way to know.

But for now, may I direct you to a great old song about just this?  There are lots of different versions, some bright and cheerful and some deeply sad.  But it’s pretty brilliant either way…

I took each word she said as gospel truth
The way a silly little child would.
I can’t excuse it on the grounds of youth,
I was no babe in the wild, wild wood.
She didn’t mean it,
I should have seen it,
But now it’s too late.

I thought I’d found the girl of my dreams,
Now it seems,
This is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

I thought for once it couldn’t go wrong,
Not for long,
I can see the way this ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

Why should I care though she gave me the air,
Why should I cry,
Heave a sigh,
And wonder why,
And wonder why?

I thought I found the gal I could trust,
Whatta bust, this is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,

“Can’t we be just friends?”

Never again, through with love
Through with them
They play their game without shame
And who’s to blame?

Yes, I thought I knew the wheat from the chaff
What a laugh, this is how our story ends
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

I acted like a kid out of school
What a fool, now I see this is the end
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

Yes, I should have seen the signal to stop
What a flop, this is how the story ends
She’s gonna turn me down and say
“Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be
Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be friends?

Your friend (and I MEAN IT!)

Shirelle

0 What are good conversational topics, once you’ve started a relationship?

Danish asks:

Everything is going well, and awesome, with this girl I like.  But now I feel we are lacking topics on which to talk about. We already know about the likes and dislikes of each other, and now, most of the time when we talk, our conversation is just the same repeating format – like how we are, how was your day, discussion about songs, funny jokes and sometimes a little flirting. As you know we both are shy and introverted, so we are going very slowly.  Can you tell me how to make more better and deep conversation ? And secondly how to start talking on topics like kissing and taking it to another level? Is it necessary at this time or not?  If yes, then tell me what’s the beginning way?

Hi Danish –

What it sounds like you’re really asking is how to make conversations deeper.  You’re talking a lot, and it’s going well, but the subjects are staying kind of shallow.  Nothing bad, but… something’s missing.

Now I suppose I could tell you a bunch of deep serious topics to discuss.  The world’s religions, for example.  Politics of course.  Or questions of philosophy (“What is the meaning of life?”  “Could we just be living a dream?”  “What is reality?”).  And all those are fine.

But I’m going to make a different suggestion.  What’s missing in your conversations is meaning.  You’re not talking about things that mean a lot to you. 

Now yes, those could be religion or politics or philosophy.  But they could also be your frustration and confusion about how you’re being looked at by one of your parents.  Or what the better and worse aspects are for the careers you’re thinking of pursuing.  Or why is it your feelings were so hurt by something that happened today, that your conscious thinking brain says was no big deal.

Do you see where I’m going here, Danish?  There are topics that everyone in the world agrees are important and deep and complex.  But what I think would make your relationship more meaningful and intimate is talking about what really matters to you.  And things you might not be eager to share with others, except her.

And of course my wish is that, then, she’d start opening up about difficult things with you as well.

Now you also ask me about how to talk about things like kissing, or moving “to another level.”  I’m all for communication in relationships (and I’m VERY big on nothing happening without mutual consent).  But I also wouldn’t want you to kill the magic of intimate moments.  Talking about kissing is very abstract.  I can do that here: “I love to lick the face of everyone I meet.”  Okay, I said it, but that’s very different from doing it.

What I’d rather you talk about than kissing is your general sense of morality in relationships.  Are there things you don’t want to do before marriage?  Or that she doesn’t?  What are your feelings about divorce, fidelity, even abortion?

You see, these issues have nothing to do with whether you and she kiss the next time you meet, but talking about them will bring you better understanding of each other.  And then when you realize that you agree on 90% of issues and disagree on the other 10% – but are interested in hearing each other’s opinions and feelings, and have shown full respect for them – THEN you have a better sense of each other, and a better sense of closeness.

And then, when this guy, who’s shown her his heart and soul, leans in for a kiss, she will be at least flattered, and maybe feel “this is what I’ve been waiting for all this time!”

Hope that helps!

Shirelle

0 How to know whether someone is uninterested in you, or just shy

Kiran1209 asks:

         I was engaged to a woman who broke our engagement off on the day of our wedding.  I have worked hard to reach a place of acceptance, knowing my anger only kept me tied to the incident. 

Now, my parents are saying it’s time for a new start. They said, we will start looking for girls by the end of this month (January, 2020 ). From their point of view they are right, like how much time we will spend thinking about what happened to us. What going on in my mind is (I know it might sound silly), if people can break a relationship without any reason, I am just afraid to get into serious relationship with someone. I don’t feel like mixing with other people.  And also, even after being so cautious, like asking whether she was interested or if she’s being forced, I had to face the incident.  That been said, what I want to ask is, how do you differentiate between whether the girl is shy or not interested? I thought that a girl talking less and showing lack of initiative was due to shyness or family background (like maybe she’ll talk only after marriage).  Are there any pointers on how can you get rid of the above confusion in 2-3 meetings (that’s how much we get to make a decision in arrange marriages)? 

Hi Kiran1209 –

Your question is a good one.  And I do have some ideas, though I need to state – none of them are perfect.  

There are seven billion people in the world, each different.  And over time there must have been hundreds of billions. Is the girl who canceled your wedding at the very last minute typical?  Of course not.  But is it possible there’s another out there who would do the same thing?  Sure.  

It’s like if a person coaxed me to them speaking sweetly and handing out a treat, but when I got to them they kicked me in the side.  And after that I asked how I could know whether someone who seemed friendly actually was, or were they cruel.  There’s no way to know – though certainly most  people who have reached out to me have been friendly.  In fact, in my experience, every single one.  But I’ve been lucky.

So while I can’t guarantee anything, here are some thoughts on how most  people show the difference between shyness and disinterest:

First, you can simply ask them.  If they act in a way that makes you wonder, just bluntly say “I need to ask you something.  I had a horrible experience once, where someone seemed to be just shy and nervous, but then ended our relationship in the most humiliating way possible.  So I need to know if you’re interested in seeing me again.  I’m not asking if you want to commit to anything, but just if you’re enjoying where we are now.”  Sure, it’s not something a guy usually asks a girl on the third date, but you have great reason to do so, and if she’s at all sensitive, she’ll get it.

But, Second, you might also get away with a lot by just checking her eyes.  How does she look at you.  A shy person is often scared of how much they feel, so they’ll look away from you, but when they look back their eyes open wide, like me smelling pizza!  Does she seem excited at the sight of you, or bored, or even annoyed?

Third, you can ask about her plans for the future.  If she says she doesn’t know what she wants, or that she’s hoping to devote herself to a career, or (especially) if she says “I’m hoping to meet Mr. Right someday,” these are hints she’s not all that interested in you.  While, if she instead says “I know I’m interested in having a family at some point,” or “I love my job and want to keep it but also want more in my life,” those sound like she’s at least not dismissing you.  And of course if she says “I’m trying to figure my future out.  What do you  see for yours?!” that’s a very good sign!

Fourth, of course friends or family are always good for this too.  I’m not a big “behind their back” supporter, but if she’s too shy to let you know how she feels, it might be good to ask her brother or her best friend if they have any idea.  But be aware, if you do, they’re almost certain to tell her you asked – which might be a good or not-so-good thing!

What I really hope for, Kiran1209, is that, just as you’ve managed to find such a wise and accepting place, you’re also able to find a fun one.  And to realize that meeting these women ought to be a joy, not a fear-based puzzle.  Every woman you meet is potentially The One, and you have some excellent criteria to judge them on (honesty being a very big one!).  So get out there, meet the ones your family sets you up with, meet others too, and trust that, ALMOST certainly, the crazy thing that happened to you once won’t happen again.

Instead, something far more frightening might occur…. you might meet someone just right for you!  Who you love and loves you back.  And that’s when life REALLY gets scary – in the best best best ways!

Bowing with respect,

Shirelle

0 What to do when one partner in a relationship is much more expressive than the other

Danish asks:

Now the girl I love and I are in a relationship but she express her much less as compared to me, and I get very emotional almost every day, because we are in a long-distance relationship and I miss her too much most of the time. So I express my love towards her almost daily, whether through compliments, songs etc., but she does so much less.  So when I express my feelings she feels like Aaah!! and sends cute loving emojis, but she doesn’t take initiative to express her love. I know she is a shy and introverted (as am I), but now I am open to express whatever goes in my heart while she does much less. And when I express my feelings she just loves it and sometimes goes speechless and can’t talk after that moment. And sometimes she tests me a lot by changing her words from what she said earlier – say something new today and then when I feel fear she’ll go “Ohhh!! What are you saying?!” and then she’ll say like “how do you manage all the shocks I give you!” Then I say “Patience!”  

So can you tell me, what can be the reason she expresses her feelings less?

Or  does she express her feelings towards me in a different language which I am not getting??

Hey Danish!

I’m actually very excited by your letter.  I know you’re feeling some frustration, but what you’re feeling is MATURE frustration!  Let me explain.

See, when a couple first get together, anything that happens between them is exciting and a joy.  “He likes that same song I do!”  “She likes my dog!”  “He called me!”  “She let me kiss her!”  

But then after a while, these feelings start to calm down.  No big deal that you like some of the same songs, so you focus on the ones you don’t share.  Of course your dog likes her, but it’s not like she offers to walk him.  “Oh, who’s calling me?  I hope it’s my friend with the Biology assignment.  Hmmm… no it’s my boyfriend, I’ll just call him back later.”  And, yeah, “Why is it that she turns her cheek to me whenever I lean in?!”  

These problems aren’t bad, they’re just part of the stage you’ve gotten to in your relationship.  And this stage, unlike those first “honeymoon” days, are when the actual work of relationships begins.  

It’s like with Handsome and me.  When he first brought me home from the pound, he was thrilled with everything about me.  “Wow she’s walking around the house!”  “Wow, she’s chewing on my finger!”  But soon it turned into him getting upset when I’d pee in the living room, or bite his ankle.  And so the training began.  Both him training me in obedience, and me training him in what I like and don’t.

So you have a new job, Danish.  You need to start “training” her!

Now I don’t mean that you should give her orders.  But it’s time for you to start letting her know that, as much as you love her, you need her to speak up more, to reach out to you more.  That when she doesn’t, you worry.  That you wonder if she feels the same things you do.

Now when you do, she might get defensive, which would be too bad, if she feels you’re accusing her of something (which you’re very much not).  But hopefully, either right away or after you calm her concerns, she’ll do two things. First, she’ll realize that what you’re saying is actually really sweet.  But second, she’ll start to speak up about herself too.  Maybe she’ll say “I love you, Danish, but I just can’t express myself the way you do.  I need you to know that I’m always thinking about you, and the little things I write you are as much as I can.”  Or perhaps she’ll say “You’re so great!  All my life, everyone’s told me to hold back and not say so much.  And you’re asking for more of me?  You’re just the best!”

I don’t know.  But what I do know is that you’re right at the stage where relationships move to becoming real, and deep, and truly beautiful. 

There’s a lovely bit in the great dog novel The Call of the Wild, that talks about a man and a dog who love each other madly.  And when the man pats the dog, the dog’s fur is too thick for him to feel the man’s hand, and the dog shows his affection by biting the man’s hand, which hurts the man a little.  But while neither feeling is “pleasant,” both recognize that the other is showing love, and so adore these gestures.

You and this lady have the potential for something like that, but way better.  You can communicate about specifics and subtleties.  (I’m just thrilled I can know such words!)

Your relationship, which was already great, is about to get way better!  Have Fun!

Cheers

Shirelle