patjo asks: Do you think that children are bad because of themselves or their parents?
Hi Patjo –
Well, I don’t know if this is the answer you want, but my answer to your question is… No! Absolutely Not!
I know what you’re asking, but what I’m saying is that I don’t think children are bad! I think children are absolutely fantastic. I think children are magical miracles – funny and brilliant and sweet and fiery and… oh they just smell Continue reading
Jann asks: Hi. Is the love of a teenager easily gone?
Hi Jann –
What an amazing question! I think it’s profound, actually. The bad news is that I can’t offer you a simple answer!
The teenage years are a period of turbulent changes and passions. Between the chemical changes occurring in the body and mind, and the giant changes going on in a teen’s life, the entire world is in flux. I feel like you could equally ask “Is love during wartime easily gone” or “Is love easily gone during an earthquake!”
So you really have two opposing forces in effect here. First, the incredible rate of change can mean that what a teenager feels one day may be totally different a week Continue reading
Tizolina asks: Hi, I am 14 years old and I kissed my boyfriend. Is that bad?
Hi Tizolina –
Wow, I kissed my first boyfriend when I was probably about four days old! And I’ve been kissing boyfriends, girlfriends, my mom, strangers, teachers, scary dogs, and most of all, my best friend Handsome, ever since. I can’t imagine going through a day without lots and lots of kissing! What would life be without that?!
But of course, doggy kisses are treated very differently in our world than the kisses of a 14-year-old to a boyfriend. Some people don’t like being kissed by dogs because they find us dirty or sloppy (total idiots if you ask me!), but our kisses are never controversial in the way yours can be.
This is because, when it comes to teenage romance, there are so many different values that different people Continue reading
Honey asks: I’m a nine-year-old girl. How can I both do my homework and play, after I get home? I don’t have time!
Hi Honey –
Oh I hate this! I certainly understand why schools assign kids homework – it gives the students a chance to practice what they’ve learned, and builds habits that will help you a lot later in your life – but I’m a huge fan of play! I play all the time, and I think kids learn as much from playing as they ever can learn from homework. So while I want you to do the work you have to, and stay out of trouble (!!), I sure want you to have time to play as well.
What it sounds like you’re really dealing with is what adults call Time Management. That’s a fancy term for planning out your day, to make sure you get what you care most about done.
So let’s try a pretend day, for an example. Let’s say you get home at 4:00 in the Continue reading
SDK asks: Hello, I have 11-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son. Nowadays I feel my son’s behaviour is very abnormal. He has also become a little bit weak in his studies. He has a habit of reading the newspaper, but he always reads the accident news only! He behaves very rudely to his grandmother also and also become much harsher in his conversation. Some times he speaks of leaving the house and going away. Please, what would you suggest?
Hi SDK –
This is one of those cases where I feel like I’m getting about a hundredth of the information I’d need, to know what to suggest. You know, those nights when there’s a sound of a rustle in a tree outside, and by the time you’ve run out through the dog-door, you can’t see or hear anything, but there’s a hint of a scent that someone was there, but you don’t know where to search? (Well, maybe you haven’t had that exact experience. But hopefully you get what I’m saying!)
Clearly there’s something going on with your son. I wouldn’t worry about the newspaper bit though – it’s actually great that a kid his age is reading the paper at all, and of course stories about accidents are going to be a lot more interesting to a 9-year-old than debates about the Greek economy or settlements in Continue reading
Samiya asks: I am a working lady. I have two kids – an eight-year-old girl and a one-and-a-half-year-old boy. Now I am facing some problems with my daughter. She is telling me lies about small things, asking me if I’m angry with her, telling me I don’t love her… I am always behaving very cool and trying to avoid all this, but some times, I am getting extremely getting irritated. Please help me, how should I behave with my daughter?!
Hi Samiya –
I could be wrong, but I’m going to take a chance here and make a guess that your daughter is showing pure sibling rivalry – though she may not know it herself!
You see, when you had your son, you saw it as making an addition to your family. But for her, it was like you had just taken half of everything that mattered to her – her home, her toys, and most importantly her mother – and cut her portion of it in half! Suddenly she had to share everything. In fact, just because babies take a lot of work, she might have suddenly had to live with less than half of the mommy she depended on!
This doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong; sibling issues (as I’ve talked about on here a lot) go back to the beginning of time, and even cross into other species (believe me, I bit my brothers and sisters a lot to get more of my mom’s attention!).
But now, she’s doing three things that you need to deal with. She’s lying (which is a test of your attention and trust), she’s asking if you’re angry (expressing a need for assurance), and telling you that you don’t love her (expressing anger and begging you to prove her wrong). All of these are very normal behaviors for a child in her situation.
Assuming I’m right about her, here’s what I’d like you to do: First, set very clear boundaries about the lying, by making it clear to her that there are definite consequences for even little lies. For example, if she lies to you, she doesn’t get any TV for a day. (Note – the consequences don’t have to be huge; just enough to give her some structure)
Second, when she asks if you’re angry, tell her that you’ll answer her but you’d like her to ask a different question: have her ask how you’re feeling about her at that time. Then you can tell her that you’re happy with her, angry with her, madly in love with her, disappointed in her, annoyed with her, amused by her… whatever you’re feeling. This will actually give her more of what she needs – to know that she matters to you – and expand her own emotional vocabulary, while not being so annoying to you!
And third, when she says that you don’t love her, just look her right in the eye, smile, and tell her “You can’t even imagine how much I love you. I love you more than the whole wide world!” Or something like that.
Now if you do that, some day she’s going to hit you with the real question she has, which is “But do you love me as much as you love my brother?” And when she does, just explain to her that your heart is so big, and so full of love, that you can love both of them that big huge amount. That you’d do anything and give anything for either of them, and that it’s impossible for you to love one more than the other because there’s no limit to the love you have for each.
Now that’s a lot! It’s a lot for you to remember to do, but it’s also a lot to ask her to understand. But it’s the truth, isn’t it!
So Samiya, that’s why I’m so specifically advising you of what to do with your daughter. Because the sooner she begins to really understand how huge and amazing love is, the better!
Good Luck! Let me know how it goes!
Shirelle
Ninong asks: My daughter (7 years old) is a wonderful, intelligent and socially adept child. Lately, however, she cries and vomits every time we begin her to school. This happens every time she waits for the results of an exam/test or a quiz she has taken in class. I could observe that she literally would count the days when the exam results would be announced getting fidgety as the date draws near. She always (and this is not an exaggeration) would get excellent results and in fact is the top student of her school. She would immediately return to her usual happy and wonderful self as soon as the exam results are announced. Her home-room teacher has observed this behavior and even called my attention to it. We have ruled out bullying and other factors since they are visibly absent in her case. We have assured her that we would be as happy with any result she would get for as long as she tried her best. We have talked to her about this and have kept re-assuring her.
Hi Ninong –
I’m so glad you wrote me about your daughter. This is a very tough problem, and she definitely needs some help.
It is totally normal for children to be anxious about school and exams (In fact, just between us, why they bother giving exams to 7-year-olds is beyond me!). But your daughter’s reactions are not the normal Continue reading
shhhhhh asks: How can I get to answer the questions of other users, as I really want to give my opinion to others?
Hi shhhhhh –
Thanks for your question about how to comment on the questions on my website.
Great! I love it when people add to my comments, and create conversations about the things we talk about. I’m very well-intentioned, but often someone else can say things I’ve never thought of, that might add to, or even prove to be better than, what I’ve Continue reading
Kate asks: How can we stop teenagers from being crime-minded?
Hi Kate –
What an interesting question!
I think what you’re really asking me is how we can keep teenagers honest, give them a moral sense. Because all sorts of people think about crime all the time; frankly it’s fun! Humans all love to think about breaking the rules, going against society, even such outrageous things as major theft and murder (if we didn’t, bestselling book lists and TV ratings would be VERY different from the way they are!).
My quick and easy (and too simplistic) answer to your question is that you should instill those moral values earlier, when those teenagers are Continue reading
fk asks: I am a 16-year-old girl. My sister whom I live with found me with my boyfriend. I wasn’t doing anything wrong with him, but ever since, I think she hates me. She scolds me whenever I ask for permission to go out. I apologized, but she couldn’t accept my apologies. What am I to do?
Hi fk –
I guess I’m a little confused. What was your sister mad about? Did she not know you had a boyfriend? Or is it that you don’t think you were doing anything wrong, but she did?
Either way, the odds are that she doesn’t hate you. It sounds from your letter like your sister is trying to act as your Continue reading