Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 How a teen can best deal with their parents’ divorce

paytay143 asks: I’m 18, and about to be a sophomore in college. And I don’t even know where to begin. I came to you once for advice about an issue with my boyfriend and it really helped so much. So now I’m here again. But this time, the issue I’m having revolves around my parents. You see, my parents are in the middle of a very nasty and ugly divorce. It started really in the fall of last year. So not exactly great timing for me, as things between my parents escalated right as I was starting my first year of college. You see my dad is somewhat of a functioning emotionally abusive alcoholic. And he has never once treated my mother the way she deserves to be treated. I could go on and on about how horrible it was to be around him most of the time, but to sum it up, being at my house, it was like walking on eggshells around him. Even the slightest thing would set him off. Then he’d scream and yell and blame us and then go out and get wasted with his friends. Then he’d come home and just be awful to all of us. My mom has tried to leave him TWICE. But stayed with him for the sake of my sister and I. Well eventually sometime this past December, my dad moved out. Things were great at my house. My mom, my sister and I were all getting along awesome and everything was great. We were like our own cute little sorority house. Then dad started getting nasty and saying awful things to our friends and family about my mom. He called her horrible names and even said he wished she was dead. When my sister and I confronted him about this, he denied everything. And things kept getting uglier and uglier. At this point, this whole ordeal is a rollercoaster. Some days are fine and everyone is civil. And some days my father is just an awful person and says horrible things and then tries to manipulate us into thinking he’s a victim and that everything is my mom’s fault. At this point I just want this all to be over. I’m just waiting for the day that this divorce is final, but my father is doing everything in his power to prolong the ordeal. And now he is threatening to push the sale of our house. Yep. My father is basically trying to kick my mom, my little sister and I out of our own home. And apparently there’s a 50/50 chance that he’ll get away with it. He has constantly ruined so many things for me. He ruined my first year of college, he scarred a good part of my childhood because he was drunk for a good 75% of it, and now he’s trying to take my home away. And I can’t help but feel like this divorce is my fault. That me going to college, and working so much, and having a boyfriend and not being around so much, created problems. It wasn’t always bad around my home, ya know? Sure there were bad days, but my dad had a lot of good days too. He’s a goofball and he made us laugh and he loved to be outdoors and do something cool. But in this case, that little amount of good wasn’t enough. And I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame sometimes. Like I could have done more to help. And throughout this whole year I have let so much guilt and anger and sadness consume me and I really sucked at my first year of college. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed everyone around me; my mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, my family. And I feel like I’m not good enough for them and that I don’t deserve any of them. And I have never felt more useless, pathetic, and alone. I have no idea how to make things better for myself. I have no idea even if things will ever get better. I had an enormous breakdown last night and I needed someone to talk to and no one was around. I felt all of these crazy thoughts and feelings and I even almost called a suicide hotline but didn’t because I felt pathetic. I am so lost and I don’t even know what to do to move forward. I’m not even sure if you can help me, but I just need someone to tell me something that isn’t just “oh don’t worry everything will be okay.” And I guess that’s it. I could go on and on but I’d probably just be repeating myself.

Hi paytay143 –

So first of all, I want you to look at a post I have on the AskShirelle website, about when divorces are the kids’ fault.  It was submitted by MyrnaFan1.  Please read it first.

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Okay.  Did you cheat and keep reading?

Well, if you did, here’s the answer:   NEVER.  It is literally impossible for a divorce to be the child’s fault.

Especially with the situation your parents are in. In fact, you’ve even been told by your mother that she tried to leave him twice before, but stayed for the sake of the children. So one could argue (although it was always her choice) that you were indirectly responsible for them not divorcing sooner.

Now if you’re asking whether having a mediator in the house, someone to work on their marriage, to help your father quit drinking and deal with his rage issues, to help your mother find the strength she needed… this super-person… if that could have helped them work things out and saved their marriage? I honestly don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

But I do know, as sure as I know lambchops taste good, that THAT HAS NEVER BEEN YOUR JOB. In fact, I’d argue that, if you had tried to make it your job, you’d have failed. Not because you’re not smart or caring, but because you’re their kid. If your pain and wishes weren’t enough ten years ago to keep him from drunken rages, why would you have been able to stop them now? These people changed your diapers and taught you to use a spoon; they’re not going to even be able to see you into a place of power to change their whole way of being.

My human friend Handsome is a psychotherapist, and works with a lot of couples. They pay him well to be the ‘expert,’ and give them ways to fix what’s wrong in their relationships. And at least half of his suggestions never get taken. So I’m saying that there’s no way you could have fixed things if you’d been there.

In fact, from everything you’re telling me, I am thinking things are actually working out for the best. Yes it’s just awful right now, but look at what’s ahead: Your mother will be free of his anger and abuse, and won’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. Your father has a good chance of “hitting bottom,” which experts on addiction refer to as the point when an addict finally admits they need help and takes action to improve their lives. (You say he’s been “functioning;” well I’m liking the idea that he might be reaching the point where the dysfunction gets so strong he does some things to save his life!).

My friend, there’s an experience I see lots of teens go through when they first go to college. They’re away from home, from their parents, from all those rules and problems, for the first time, and it can get a little scary. I see them often start to think about their childhood in ways they never had before, start to wonder about books and movies they liked when they were five, and about things that all seemed normal before and suddenly now they’re realizing weren’t. And become as homesick as me in a kennel when Handsome’s been gone for two weeks!

So I’m guessing that, while your parents tried to protect you from their divorce when you were growing up, their timing has hit right when you were going through all of this. And so you, maybe more than you ever would have before, desperately wish you could put the pieces back together and re-create the best of your childhood, the fun times, the joking and laughter and love.

And instead you’re facing a future where your parents won’t even be in the same home.

This is HARD, paytay143! It’s not fair and it’s heartbreaking. And it’s what’s going on. And, sad as I am to say it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

But you CAN change the future.

How?

Well, for starters, your Continue reading

0 How to deal with a father who’s been in prison

Justinsbae asks: It’s Fathers’ Day once again, and I just feel like crying. I see everyone posting on social media about their dads and I’m just sitting here without one. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 3 or 4. I always assumed it was because he didn’t care, but then I see on the news this year that someone with the same name as him has been in prison for about 10 years, so maybe that was why he hasn’t come to see me. He also has a girlfriend and two other children. Anyway on to the advice bit. I need your help as he is getting out soon, and has contacted my mum and has asked to speak to me. But I’m not sure how I should do that as I hate talking on the phone and a text or letter can come off the wrong way. I feel the best way would be to meet him and tell him how much he has affected me, as that’s what I have always wanted to say to him. But I don’t think meeting him is possible as his girlfriend stopped sending me money through the post in the last two years apparently, so I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with me. Please help what is the best way of contacting him?

Hi justinsbae –

Wow!  This letter makes my heart hurt!  I am so sorry you’re going through all this!

You bring up a number of really difficult issues. Parents who have girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses who try to keep them from interacting with their kids; how to tell your parent about the effect they’ve had on you; how to talk with someone when you don’t like talking on the phone; having a parent in prison; and not knowing why you haven’t heard from your father in years. Any one of these is enough for me to write one of my usual posts on, and all of them together are… WOW!

So I’m going to have to pick and choose. I’ll start with the last one, which I think is the most important for you. The fact that you haven’t known why you haven’t heard from him. Did your mother know he was in prison? Has this been kept from you (maybe out of very loving reasons)? Or did she just find out too? Or are neither of you even sure he’s the man you heard about? Either way, Continue reading

0 How to return to an instrument after not practicing

arjai101 asks: A year ago, my mom switched careers. In order to do this, she had to pay for classes, attend etc. As a result, I had to stop taking piano lessons. She said I could start again in a few months once everything settled down and I would be out of town most of the summer anyways so I wouldn’t know the difference. But, here we are a year later and I’m still not taking lessons. At first, I practiced a ton. Even though I wasn’t taking lessons at the moment, I still wanted to hit the ground running when I did start again. As school started again and I realized it would be a long time before I’d get lessons. I suddenly just stopped playing. This also has to do with the fact that my mom and I rent two rooms in a friend’s house. The family is ALWAYS home; their kids are homeschooled. At first, I was just busy with school so I couldn’t really practice. In conjunction, I didn’t have a teacher pushing me or expecting anything from me, so I had no need. After a while, it became, I was afraid to practice because the family would hear and I used to be so good and now I sound like trash. Now, I’m afraid to look at, touch, or even hear a piano because it has been so long and I’m so afraid of all the hard work and money spent that went down the drain. It makes me so sad to think about it. It was a part of my life that defined me for so long and… I just don’t know anymore. And the worst part, I played today. And, it was worse than I had ever imagined. Everything is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ll probably never have lessons again. My family can’t afford it. (Despite the fact my mom makes more money than she did before this whole thing.) To rub salt in the wound, we still live with that family. Their kids take a million lessons and go to all kinds of ensembles and band this and that. Their parents practically beg them to practice, and they act like spoiled ungrateful brats. Here I am, and it all is just rotting away painfully. My mom is always like, just go play, it’s no big deal. But, it is a big deal. It’s painful to even be around other musicians, period. Just listening to classical music, it’s terrible. I miss music so much. I wish I could have what those kids have. I was just starting to really get somewhere when I had to stop. Everyone else got to keep progressing, and I got to go backward. Funny how nothing ever balances out. I have always had to overcome a very bad hand of cards and pretend like I’m just like everyone else and lie about my life and where I live. So forgive me world, if I choose to whine about this.

Hi Arjai101 –

Okay, so first things first: if there’s anyone anywhere who’s going to be okay with a little whining, it’s a dog! We whine all the time – out of fear, out of pain, out of excitement – so feel free to whine here all you like! In fact, when humans whine, it often makes us jump up into their laps and lick their faces, which it sounds like exactly what you need right now, so I’ll say it even more strongly: YES! WHINE!

Now, onto the piano. First, of course you must know I’m very jealous of you. I can’t play a single note on a piano (my paws are too big). The idea of playing a complex piece with melody, harmony, tone, complex time changes… hey I’ll be thrilled if I can come back in another lifetime and hammer out “Chopsticks!” So when you say you sound terrible, understand that, to me, you’re Lang-Lang, Bill Evans, and Jerry Lee Lewis all rolled into one! (Okay, I’ll admit, I had to get those names from Handsome; I love music but don’t know musicians that well!).

But I do know something about human nature. And I know that most humans judge themselves much more harshly than they do others. So I’m only guessing, but I’m going to suggest that maybe you aren’t nearly as bad on the piano right now as you think – although of course you are out of practice. So you’re not as good as you can be, or as good as you were a year ago. But I’m betting you aren’t horrible for others to hear.

Now you’ve heard stories of great athletes who get injured, right? They break their leg or their arm, or tear a muscle, and are unable to play their sport for a while. And there’s a chance they’ll never be as good as they used to be. But they work like crazy at recovering from their injury, and get back and are phenomenal again. Might they have been even better if they’d never been injured? Sure. But that’s not the way things went, and their goal is to simply be the best they can be. And they achieve it.

And your mother’s financial problems qualified as an injury for you. Your job now is just to Continue reading

0 How to stop an older sibling from acting out

Schulte asks: I am trying to figure out how to get my 3-year-old son to stop biting at preschool and fighting with the other kids for their toys. His father and I have been taking his toys away and grounding him to his room and giving him an early bed time when we get a report from his teacher that day saying he bites. We also talk to him telling him that is bad. He has a 6-month-old baby brother who has been teething so a lot of attention has been on his little brother. We pay attention to our older son and play with him.

Hi Schulte –

Oh boy did you write the right advisor on this!!!  For the first two years of my life, biting was my greatest joy!  I don’t remember everything, but Handsome tells me I basically ate, slept, and breathed only in order to chew and bite.  I bit him LOTS, bit everyone else when I could, and chewed up EVERYTHING in our house!  So I relate fully to both your youngest son, who has to teethe just as I did, and your older one, who’s expressing all sorts of emotions by biting.  I was both!

But you already know how to handle your younger kid.  It’s that older one who’s making things difficult.  And as I said before, I do think his biting comes from some emotional places.  And I’m mainly going to guess one:  that younger brother!

See, when a human is an only child, the whole world revolves around them, and they don’t know anything else.  Their parents can love each other, or love movies or chocolate or their jobs, but their parental love is only for “me.”  And then if those parents have another kid, that whole universe is shattered.  Even in the best of homes with the most attentive of parents (as you seem to be).

Now if your son was older, say 7 or so, when you had that second baby, he would have much more awareness of this situation.  But being so young, all his reactions to his baby brother (most likely both gigantic love and huge resentment) are unconscious.

And – and here’s my biggest point – one of the most common ways for a child to react to something life-changing is to regress, to behave younger than they are, in a wish that the world would go back to the way things were then.  (This is true of us too – puppies don’t mature in a straight line, we’ll have times of acting young again – and even as adults, we can suddenly start acting like puppies.  Like peeing in the house, for example).

So your son WILL get better.  He WILL stop biting, and start acting more mature.  But right now, biting serves two purposes – it gives him a way to act out his aggression, and it lets him act the same age and stage as his baby brother!

So what we want is not so much to Continue reading

0 When a teenager’s life makes no sense

Daisaie asks: I’ve never been so depressed and broken. My parents are always yelling at me because apparently I’m failing to become the daughter they expect and things has gotten worse since last year. The class teacher is also making the matter worse. I try keeping myself motivated but it’s not working anymore. I’ve fell down from being a top student to failing in most subjects now. They never support me rather they end up discouraging me. Their comments have hurt me to the bottom of my heart and I’ll never be able to forget those. I’ve lost interest in everything. I seriously can’t take it anymore! I can’t even get a counselor. I really wanna get out of this mess so help me please.

Hi Daisaie –

Wow is this a sad letter!

You sound to me like you’re in a full-on depression.  That’s not abnormal, especially for a teenager.  In fact, I’ve never known a teenage human to get from ten years old to twenty without getting depressed.  But I know, that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the middle of it.

Still, I want to give you some perspective on it.  Being a teenager is, I think, the toughest part of most humans’ lives.  You go from the world making sense in certain ways, as a child, to a whole different existence, as an adult, with no logic or control.  Your school will say you should mature in some way (say, they suddenly start assigning big term papers instead of small essays for homework); your parents want you to mature in others (say, they want you to get a paying job), and your body wants you to mature in yet others (for eleven years, the only hairs you had were on top of your head, but suddenly…!).  And meanwhile, your school wants to keep you from Continue reading

0 Dealing with habitual face-scratching

YunoGasaiFan asks: Hi Shirelle, I have another question. And it’s very serious. So basically I scratch my face and I don’t know why, I want to stop but I can never resist not to. My face is full of “scabs” and scars. My parents think it’s some kind of mental issue but I looked it up and I think I have a skin picking disorder also known as dermatillomania. I kept on begging my mom to take me to the dermatologist but she either says, “okay tomorrow” or “you don’t have to go, just stop scratching your face, it’s that easy” But my dad reacts much worse he either reacts about how students at my school will see my face or he will say “that face is getting bad,” with a disgusted look. Sometimes I just lock myself in my room and cry about why I did this to my face and cry that I don’t know how to get rid of these “scabs” and scars. It started off in 6th grade and it’s still happening (I’m in 7th grade). I tell people at my school it’s a “skin condition” because I don’t want to scare them of knowing that I pick my face. But only one friend knows I scratch my face. When I looked up what I have probably had, I told my mom about this months ago, but after those months she did nothing about it, she probably forgot, that’s why she always asks me now “why do you scratch your face?” Out this very long story I have 2 questions: I’m really scared about how they will react but should I tell them the full story about how and why I got my “skin picking disorder” and keep pursuing to ask them to take me to a dermatologist? Or should I just not tell my parents and not “worry” them and ask my sister to take me? I’m sorry, I’m just really scared about how my parents will react if I choose the first one, especially my dad.

Hi YunoGasaiFan –

Sometimes people write me questions and I really wonder why.  I’m a dog – I have a huge heart and a fairly good brain, but when I get questions about academic issues, I just think, “What in the world made you ask me?!”  But your question isn’t in that category at all, YunoGasaiFan.  Your sending this to me makes total sense.  Because when it comes to scratching yourself, no one understands better than a dog!

Oh I love scratching!  I love to get the nails of my rear paws right into my neck, especially where my collar rubs.  I love to roll around on rugs or grass and scratch those areas of my back where my paws can’t reach.  And of course I especially love scratching at fleas and getting them off of me!

But this can go too far.  For example, I knew a dog – his name was actually Dog, would you believe? – who died from scratching too much.  He was pretty old, and he had fleas that just wouldn’t go away.  And he scratched so much that his body’s immunity just burned out – he literally got the same condition as a person with AIDS, the lack of a working immune system – and so went from being a beautiful vibrant pup to a withered weak shell of himself.

Now you’re a long way from this happening to you, but I will say, your Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea to go to college early?

arjai101 asks: I don’t really know what to do anymore. I guess I’m just over high school. There is absolutely nothing for me there anymore. I realized that yesterday. My friend canceled on me…again, but, still managed to go on a triple date the night before on a whim with people she doesn’t even really like. The friends I do have don’t really do it for me, never really did, to be honest. Actually, everyone and I mean everyone you could think of is dating or got something going on with someone else and I can’t even find just a normal friend to hang out with me on the weekend. I have a license and nowhere to go, just as my mom long prophesized. I’ve been thinking of just going to college two years early, I got into a state university, and I’m taking some math classes there this summer. And I’m applying to another university, which has a great engineering program for their fall semester. If I get in there, I’m definitely not going back to high school. I’m tired of taking classes that don’t fuel my drive. I feel like everyone just thinks terrible things about me. No one takes me seriously. The administration and teachers who are supposed to vouch for me don’t even remember my face when I wave at them in the hall, even though I was in their class just last semester. I feel so lonely. Well, I’ve felt so lonely these past few days. I’m an extrovert; I need people. But, I feel like an unwanted burden to everyone. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. In theory, I feel that I’m a pretty cool person to hang around. All I feel is just shallow acquaintances. What should I do? Should I just skip out on the last two years of high school? How do I meet people outside of this suffocating circle? I feel like I go to places where I should meet people, but people are so distant. I’m horribly frustrated. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to feel valued.

Hi arjai101 –

I understand this completely.  I was very good in obedience class when Handsome took me there, actually was the best student in the class I’m proud to say, but I never liked it (except that I got a lot of treats when I learned things correctly).  So I was very happy to leave it, and would have loved leaving it earlier if I could have.

And if you’re such a good student that you can get into an engineering school this early, I can’t really give you a good reason why you shouldn’t do it.  But I can suggest that you use that great mind of yours to really think it out before you make a decision.

One of my favorite humans is a young woman who works with my friend Handsome.  She’s brilliant and funny and kind and… did I say “young?”  She’s this young, and this far along in her career, because she started college when she was fifteen years old!  She then went straight through it and immediately went to graduate school, so she had her Masters’ Degree when she was twenty-one, an age when most people are still undergraduates!

And when she gets asked about whether it was the right thing or not, she never gives a simple, straight answer.  She loved the intellectual stimulation, and, like you, loved being away from the immaturity she saw in some high-schoolers.  But she was also very young, compared to her classmates.  And of course, college and university classes include students from all the years there, so imagine – she was fifteen sitting next to people over twenty in class, all the time!

So it was great, but it was also very isolating.  College is a time when people tend to grow very quickly – in relationships, in attitudes, in intellectual maturity.  And as bright as she was, she was way behind the rest.  So it was a bit lonely for her.

But at the same time, she liked a lot about it.  And she came through it just fine, and has a great life today (which includes, maybe no surprise, that she has a boyfriend a good deal older than she!  Maybe she kind of got used to that back then!).

So I can’t tell you yes or no on this decision; all I can tell you is to treat it like a scientific experiment – to learn everything you can about everything involved, and look at all the variables, and then make the wisest choice you’re able to.  And I think I can guarantee that, whatever you decide, you’ll like some things about whichever road you take, and you won’t like some others about it… and either way you’ll end up the wonderful thoughtful smartie you are – just with different life experience!

Can’t wait to hear what you decide!

Shirelle

0 How to treat yourself well when you’re in a relationship

The Diamond Rule … a key to healthy relationships

It really should be easy, shouldn’t it?  If I see another dog I think looks fun, I go up and sniff them, and if they smell right and are nice to me, we play.  One of us might get tired more quickly than the other, or not like to play as roughly, but in general, we’re pretty set.

But you guys!  You meet someone you’re attracted to, and instantly a zillion rules come in – they have to do this or not do that, they need to have done this and not have done that, they need to fit this part of your life and improve that part of your life, and they’d better not be of that religion or support that politician or…

And this is all before any actual relationship gets going!

Then it turns into a whole different bowl of food, with questions of how much communication is too little and how much is stifling, and should you act tough or vulnerable, and when’s the right time to do this and the wrong time to do that, and…

Really, it’s amazing you humans ever work anything out with each other at all!

But I’ll admit, there’s one issue I’ve seen that bothers me more than any other.  And that’s when you guys allow people to treat you badly. And how often you do that!

It’s true that we dogs can do that too, but we are programmed to bond with a pack leader, and accept whatever treatment we get from them. But you guys ARE the pack leaders! All seven billion of you – you’re the ones we sit and heel for. So when I see any of you getting involved with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you want, I just want to cry! If you can’t insist on being treated right, what hope do we have?!

And believe me, I understand how it happens. You’re really attracted to someone, they’re fascinating and funny, it’s exciting to think they could care about you, so you turn a blind eye to those insults, or their false accusations, or the times they ignore you, or the times they tell you you’re wrong to feel the way you do. Or the times they slap you. Or force things on you. Or cheat on you. Or beat you up.

Where is a person supposed to draw the line? At what point do you say, “I’m not being treated right, so I’m out of here”? Is it when they make their first mean comment? (Well, probably not – or you won’t ever get a lasting relationship with anyone.) When they show interest in someone else? When they don’t return your text on time? When they threaten you?

Look, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad moods. I snapped at Handsome a couple of times when I was young, teeth and all (hey – I do not like getting my nails clipped, alright?!). And I’m awfully glad he didn’t send me back to the pound for it! But if I had been always attacking and biting him, I’m sure he’d have lost some of the love that’s been the basis of my life. So again, there has to be a line one can draw. What is it?

Well, I think back on this brilliant concept you humans have, in nearly every culture – what’s referred to as The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Maybe the most brilliant statement of morality ever created. But that’s all about what we do, about treating others well. What do we say about how we let others treat us?

I’m suggesting an addition. A Diamond Rule, to go along with all those rings people are putting on each other’s fingers these days. And here is is:

“Only let others in if they treat you the way you would treat them.”

That simple. Just that.

Think about it. If you’re someone who wants a relationship where you can date other people, and your boyfriend goes out with another girl, it would be unfair to get on his case for it; you should cheer him on. But if you want to be monogamous and faithful to each other, and he’s cheating, then something should change: either he stop doing it, or you get out.

Now that’s all simple, but of course, this gets more complex. For example, there’s no way Handsome is going to lick all over my face (not the way my hair sheds!), and it would hurt him if I petted him as strongly as he pets me, with my rough paws. So we don’t do the same things the other does. But when we meet, we sure do make an equal fuss over each other. And we work to make sure we never physically hurt each other (and we both make mistakes in that area too, and apologize when we do, like if I accidentally bite him while jumping for a toy he’s holding, or if he steps on my tail).

Similarly, one person in a couple might really want a lot of attention when they’re feeling bad, and the other might prefer to be left alone when they are. So the Golden Rule wouldn’t say both have to choose just one or the other; it says to give the other person what they need, just the way you’d want your needs met.

And the Diamond Rule says that you should only stay in a relationship where they’re respecting your feelings to the same degree you respect theirs.

The great thing about the Diamond Rule is that it takes all judgment out of the situation. If you’re not treating me the way I treat you, that doesn’t make you a bad person; it just means we’re not a good match. But that can be fixed, if we talk it out and find a way to make it equal. And if not, bye-bye!

Okay, so I’ve been playing with this idea for a few weeks, while answering your questions as they come in. And right in the middle of this, an amazing coincidence happened. One of you, my pack, wrote me a letter that described just this thought with such eloquence I wrote them back and asked if I could quote it. Check this out, from my friend Confused:

“I finally took time to focus on myself and my well-being. It made me realize who I am and what I truly deserve.

“I realized that I put him before me, which is something that I’m never (ever) going to do again. Throughout the relationship, I was depressed– not because of him. I had been depressed for a while before I started dating him. Instead of trying to better myself, I focused on trying to make him a better person. I focused on trying to help him with his problems rather than focusing on how I was feeling. Although it hurt when we broke up, I realized that I can’t make someone else feel truly happy if I can’t make myself feel happy. 

“After months, I feel like I am a completely different person with a completely different mindset– a better mindset. Next time, I’m not going to get myself in a relationship until I know that the person is truly there for me and is truly willing to help me become a better person. I’m so grateful that I learned this while I’m still young.”

I’m not the kind of dog who wears diamond collars, so I don’t have any diamonds to give. But if I did, I’d give one to Confused for that letter – that person has got the Diamond Rule down perfectly!

So back to you, my readers! Can you do this? Can you insist that someone treat you the way you like treating them? Can you make yourself a vow that you’ll get out if a relationship is going the wrong way?

Or to put it in the simplest way: Do you love yourself enough to treat yourself the way I would treat you?

Because like most dogs, the way I treat people I like is overwhelming with love, loyalty, and lunacy.

And that’s JUST what you deserve to give yourself!

0 How to deal with encopresis/enuresis in an older child

minecraft asks: I am nearly 10 years old. I don’t know who else to tell this, because it’s really embarrassing. I have a lot of accidents; I some times dirty my pants and I still wet the bed at night. I do not know why I keep having accidents in the day. I get really embarrassed and sad, because my brothers and other kids make fun of me for it. I have six brothers and two sisters; I am the fourth oldest. My mum sometimes gets mad at me and she some times says things like she is going to put a nappy on me like my two-year-old brother (She only gets mad when I have accidents in the day, not about me wetting my bed). My mum took me to the doctor about why I have accidents in the day, and the doctor said I’m fine and there is nothing wrong. My mum said if I have one more accident she is going to put me a nappy on me, because she can’t keep buying me underwear and washing my clothes, and she says it will be a lot better for me because I will be more comfortable and I will sleep better. I don’t want to wear nappies because nappies are for babies. How do I get my mum not to put me in nappies?

Hi minecraft –

It’s very humiliating, I know, to have this problem, and I really respect you for having the courage to reach out and ask about it.

I was lucky in this area.  I was able to get paper-trained and house-trained very quickly.  After that, there were a couple of times when Handsome was so stressed out it made me lose control, but otherwise I’ve been fine.  With one exception!

That exception is that dogs, unlike people, get inspired to pee and poop.  The reason we go to trees, fire hydrants, and such the second we get outside is that we want to pee, but sniffing another dog’s pee smell starts our engines turning.  This is great for leaving trails, marking territory, and all.  But it can also cause a big problem.  What if we’re inside a house, and another dog has peed or pooped (or thrown up) there?  What if there’s a bit of a residue of it on the floor, or in the carpet?  We have no choice! We get one whiff of that, and our system gets going, and we don’t even have time to whine or walk away, we just release right there.  And then the people always yell at us, or at our owners, that it’s our fault, that we’re not trained well enough.  When, if anything, it’s the fault of whoever cleaned it up but didn’t do it well enough (there are products made with enzymes that break the residue down organically; those are the best cleaners for indoor marking).

But here I am talking about myself instead of about you (Am I marking my territory, perhaps?!).  And human bowel control is a very different situation.

It might sound obvious, but there are only two reasons for a child of ten to still be wetting his bed and soiling his underwear:  It’s either Continue reading

0 How to meet someone for a blind date

Reena asks: I met a guy around a year back on a dating site. I had just broken up back then and so registered on that site to divert my mind. All this while we used to chat online sometimes, he was like a platonic friend. He asked a few times to meet but I always declined for various reasons. Mostly because we have nothing in common and I felt no connection or chemistry. Also because there was this on again off again thing going on with my ex, so we had not completely separated despite the break up. My question is, Is meeting this new guy worth it ? Because back then when I had broken up, he had asked to meet. I told him I am dating someone. To which he replied, “Don’t tell your boyfriend that you’re coming to meet me.” I told him I’m sorry and I can’t do that. Secondly, instead of asking to hangout and just chill or a lunch or dinner together or a movie, this new guy asks me to come home. Mind you, we’ve never met before. I asked him why he wants me to come home. He said he “wants to cuddle”. I mean, sounds like a guy looking for a Friends with Benefits and not the whole getting to know you and let’s see where it goes thing. I asked advice from a guy friend yesterday about this because I am confused these past days, whether I should give it a chance or no. My friend advised me to test him by asking him to meet outside rather than at home. So I asked this online guy if we could meet out first. I was 110 % sure he’d say no. But he said yes. I don’t want to be mean because I do believe in giving people at least one chance. But he has already shown me who he is. Doesn’t sound like a guy who believes in loyalty or someone looking for something genuine. However I don’t want to be too judgmental about it or assume anything. What should I do ?? Go meet him once or simply delete his number??

Hi Reena –

Okay, so you’re dealing with two issues here.   One is how to treat this guy – does he deserve to be treated one way or another.  And the other is how to treat yourself.  And I care way more about the second than the first, though the first is important too.

One thing I like about this guy is that he seems to be speaking honestly to you (even when he’s asking you to lie!). He didn’t pretend that he didn’t want to get physical on the first date, and I respect that. And since you did ask him if he’d meet outside, it feels a bit unfair for you to now refuse to meet him at all.

BUT…

The truth is, we don’t know anything about him. He might be exactly the way he described himself, and he might be a 45-year-old with an axe. We don’t know. So my advice isn’t just about this guy, but with any blind date you have for the rest of your life, I want you to Continue reading