Category Archives for "Parenting"

How to deal with a boyfriend’s family when one of them won’t accept you because of your caste

Sneha asks: I love my boyfriend, and have been struggling with his family not wanting me, because I’m of a different caste. Now I learn that his mother is scared of his father – she was talking to me on the phone and suddenly said “his father is coming, I can’t talk to you now!” But yes she is talking to me nicely, even more than her own son she talks to me lots as she makes cakes! She loves to talk (she has a cake shop), and she loves that I give her some good tips to promote the business. But she told me today she had talked to his father, and he said he is searching girls for my boyfriend, that he will never accept me because their community will boycott them, “And one other thing, I don’t find anything good in that girl!” What should I do?

Hi Sneha –

I am heartbroken over this!  EVERYONE is on your side except this one man, and I don’t want him to win – especially with his dumb line about “I don’t find anything good in that girl.”  Well Mister, I don’t find anything BUT good in her, and I’m not seeing much good in you right now, so there!

It’s actually making me think of a great old romantic story, it started as a French novel, The Lady of the Camellias, but later became a great movie Camille and one of the most popular operas ever written, La Traviata.  The difference is that the girl in it isn’t of a different caste – she’s a courtesan (or high-class prostitute!).  Still, this young man falls very in love with her and she with him, and all is fine except that his father refuses to let them marry, believing she’s only using his son.  Eventually she becomes ill, largely from heartbreak, and the father goes to her to apologize, realizing she was sincere, but it’s too late, and she dies in her beloved’s arms.

Great novel, great movie, great opera… and a LOUSY way for your story to end!!! 

But I bring it up, because even that father did come around eventually.  And I’m thinking maybe this one can too.

But the only way is for all three of you – you, your boyfriend, and his mother – to

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What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend leaves you for an arranged marriage

Pallabi asks: I want to ask you about my relationship. Formerly we were good, but his family fixed his marriage to a girl. After one year he will be married to her, because he can’t go against his family. I love him. What should I do now?

Hi Pallabi –

         I’m awfully sorry you’re in this tough position – a position I see a lot these days.  The concept of Arranged Marriage works much better when both members don’t date other people beforehand, and a society based in dating works better when the young people get to choose who they want to stay with. 

         The mix of having people date, get attached, maybe even fall in love – and then get sent off to marry whoever their parents say… doesn’t really seem to work!

         Now one thing I’m not grasping from your letter is just how your beloved feels.  I know he wants to be obedient to his parents, but is that all he’s feeling, or would he rather be with you than his chosen bride?  If so, then maybe you can talk him into talking with his parents, and selling them on the idea of you instead of her. 

         But if not, if he’s really okay with the way things are, then I’m very sorry to say that I think you just need to let him go.  I know it’s heartbreaking – you’ll feel the way I felt in the pound when people I’d hope would take me home chose to take another dog instead.

         But there’s a good side to this too.  You see, he will be stuck with whoever his parents chose (who might be a perfectly wonderful woman, of course).  But you get to go back into the dating world, and find someone YOU choose, and who will choose YOU! 

         So right now, you feel rejected, and I sure understand that.  But a year from now, when they’re squabbling and wishing they hadn’t agreed to this, and you’re off having fun with guys you really like…

         I think it’s going to be this guy envying you instead!

         But I’m not pretending it’s not tough now.  So be strong.  And if there’s a chance of getting him to come through for you, take it.  But if not…  just know, it’s going to be better than okay.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

4 A Prayer for Jessie -The Importance of Importance

A Prayer for Jessie – The Importance of Importance

            I hate it when Handsome’s out of town, even for just a day or two.  But I do love it when he comes back – our reunions are fun even if he’s only been gone an hour, but if he’s been gone overnight, we explode!  I sniff him all over, while he tries his best to hold me tight (and can’t).  And eventually we just stop and look into each other’s eyes, and feast on the fact – all is okay, we’re together again.

            The problem, of course, is that I’m not the only being he ever cares about seeing.  If I were, he’d never leave!  For example, he tries to visit his parents every month or so.  And because he’s afraid to put me in an airplane’s cargo hold (and I’m too big and excitable to qualify as a Therapy Dog and sit in the passenger section), the only times I’ve ever been able to join him on those trips are when he drives there, which takes a couple of weeks at least.  I love it, but he can’t do it very often.

            And, just as with me, he worries about his family a lot – some say too much.  So when he hasn’t seen them in a while, he gets anxious.  So it’s good that he visits, and he always feels so much better when he comes back home.

            Well, except this last time.

            A few days ago, he showed up, and we gave each other our usual crazy greeting, but I could tell something was off.  Was something wrong with his parents, or his niece (who, I’m very proud to say, gave me a new human cousin a couple of days later… WELCOME TO LIFE, JACKSON!) or his nephew, or…?

            No, it wasn’t any of them. 

            “Knucklehead,” he explained to me, “I just spent a half hour on a plane, the longest flight of my life.” 

            Now you know, we pooches aren’t all that good at math, so I struggled with this, not coming up with any answer.  Till he explained, “I spent the flight next to the sweetest woman, who explained to me that she was flying here because her son had just been killed.  And not out of anger, or even a robbery.  He was killed, the police believe, by mistake.  He had just dropped his girlfriend off at her house, the girl who seemed like she might be The One for him, and on his way home, he was shot.  Apparently by someone who thought he was someone else.”

            My heart sank.  We always hear about these things happening, but here it was, right in front of him, and now me.  “He was her only son.  And he was a really great guy, whose life and career were just taking off.  And somehow this woman had to go through this – for no explicable reason.  And she’ll never get over it, not for a second.”

            We are all programmed to believe that we will outlive our young.  That’s why it’s so hard for a dog when one of our puppies doesn’t make it through birth.  But to raise a child, and raise him well, and then have him snuffed out just as life begins to bloom into accomplishment and romance?  This is too much for anyone to take.

            Handsome asked her how she was able to be so together at this point.  “I’m completely numb,” she smiled kindly.

            Then something happened kind of beautiful.  The flight attendant asked them for drink orders, and Handsome wished to himself “I’d love it if she’d order something alcoholic, because I’d love to buy it for her – and she could sure use some help today!”  (He’s not normally a big one for using alcohol as self-medication, but since she’d be greeted at the airport by her grieving daughter, this could prove an exception)  But she just ordered a cola, and the attendant moved on. 

            Till about five minutes later, when she leaned into him and whispered, “Could I ask you a favor?  Could you wave that nice man down and ask if he could slip a little whiskey into my Coke?”  Handsome exploded in joy, “I was WISHING you would ask that!  Yes, and I’ll buy it for you!  It’s the only thing I can do to help!”  He ran up and ordered the drink – and do you know what?  They gave it to her for free!

            As the plane landed, he took her hand and wished her all the strength humanly possible, to get through this.  And she looked him in the eye and said “Please pray for me.”  And they disembarked, probably never to see each other again.

            Well as you can guess, by now, he had me whining on the floor.  No wonder he’d felt distant.

            Especially as he was feeling so… fortunate!  Here he’d just spent a fun day with his parents, and was about to welcome a new baby into the family.  And coming home to the friendliest pup in the world.  It wasn’t fair – everyone should be having the time he was having, and not suffering this horror.

            So he asked me to write this.  To tell this story, and to think about what it means to me.  And I’ve thought a lot, and here’s what I came up with:

            I get letters from you guys, all the time, often very full of love, but complaining about your parents, or siblings, or your kids.  I know deep down you love them more than anything in the world, but just as I can take Handsome for granted at times, or he can forget how important I am to him for moments, all of us can detach a bit from how much we love, and are devoted to, our closest companions.

            So take just a second, and put aside how annoying they might be, and think about how you’d feel if your mother, or father, or brother or sister, or uncle or aunt, or your child, were suddenly taken away from you.  And how they’d feel if you were robbed from them forever.  (And if you’ve already lost one of these people, let that feeling come through – how you miss them, and what it would be like to talk with them, laugh with them, hug them, or maybe sneak that drink to them!)

            I’m not trying to guilt-trip you, not at all.  I just want you to feel the love that life and stresses can make us forget. 

            You see, there’s one other thing about that woman.  Her name is Jessie.  That’s the name of my favorite cousin, a great great dog owned by the family that just had the new baby.  And Jessie died a few years ago – a loss they, and I, can never replace. 

            Coincidence?  Maybe.  You’ll just have to decide for yourself.

            But if you can do what I asked, just take that moment and feel all that love in your heart – with its joy and its pain and its frustration – then I think you and I, and everyone reading this, will have fulfilled that woman’s request to Handsome.  Our love will come together to become a beautiful prayer.

            And maybe, just maybe, all that love will give her the strength she needs, to get through what she has to.  Till the day she can join her son again, and maybe, just maybe, find out why things like this have to happen.          

            Because this doggy has no idea.

What to do when you start feeling better than your boyfriend or girlfriend

Bintu asks: I have been in a relationship for one and a half years. My boyfriend is a very caring compassionate human being. All he wants to do is appreciate and cherish me. However, since some time I can’t stand his love. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve acquired some kind of superiority complex. I have started thinking I can do better. I can date someone more good looking since he’s not conventionally good looking. I also think he’s not too smart. He’s not dumb but I don’t think he’s intellectually well developed. I have struggled to overcome these feelings because he’s a great guy but I have failed and then tried to break up. However he pleads me to stay always and because I deeply care for him, I give in. He has an abusive past and a toxic family, so I’m the closest thing to love he knows. I don’t know if all hope is lost or if heartbreak is inevitable. Is there any way I can make myself fall back in love so that I don’t have to hurt him?

Hi Bintu –

I don’t know you or your boyfriend, and have never seen you two together.  So I don’t know which of these two situations is right, but I’m pretty sure one of them is:

First, that yes, this relationship has run its course, and you’ve run out of feelings for him.  And if that’s the case, while it’s very sad, it would make things worse if you stayed with him, or especially married him, because he’ll only get more attached, and you’ll eventually need to leave.

And second?  Second is that this is the completely normal stage in a relationship where you two have been together a while and you’re getting to take him for granted.  And all those little irritating qualities that didn’t mean much before (like his not being as smart or good-looking as some other guys) are bothering you more, and you’re thinking “I can do better,” and even more, “I should do better.”

I’ve been in that one myself!  When Handsome took me out of the dog pound, I was so grateful I could just have burst.  And over the next weeks, we each just fell head-over-heels for each other.  But then, after a year or two, things started to fade.  He would get irritated with having to always take care of me, while I got sick of being shut in the back yard, or being told to sit and stay all the time.  He got less tolerant of all my hairs around the house, and I got fed up with the boring dog food he fed me every night.

And what happened then?  Did he take me back to the pound?  Or did I dig out and run away?

Thank

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Should you commit to someone you don’t trust?

Mystical asks: I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy who is 10 years older than me, for the last 5 years, and have met him only once (2 years back). I thought I loved him and he also says he loves me, but I don’t trust him, and I think he talks to other girls. 6 months ago I had figured out that he was cheating on me, but he manipulated me and we both started talking again. Now, after my final semester, he wants me to move to his city and he says he want to get married to me, but I feel that something is fishy – but I am getting dragged towards him. I don’t know what I should do. Shall I leave him or trust him? There are a few things which I don’t like about him… like he smokes and drinks. He has promised me that he will stop doing them once I am with him. He is also verbally abusive sometimes, when he gets angry. Now I am in a really confusing situation. I need someone to guide me or advise me.

Hi Mystical –

I can’t give you an exact answer, as to whether he’s cheating, or is a good long-term mate for you.  But I can say one thing for sure: he is not right for you right now.  Or rather, you’d be wrong to commit to him right now.

You see, every day I celebrate the luckiest break I ever got.  When a dog is bought from a pound, the pup has no idea of what sort of person is taking them home.  They could be neglectful, harsh, or even abusive.  I lucked out and got a guy who liked me at first, and fell in love with me soon, and has treated me like the best thing in the world (which is just how he sees me) ever since.  Sure we have our disagreements, and he often does things that hurt or annoy me (like leaving me at home for hours), but I always know he cares and loves me. 

But when it comes to your guy, you don’t know any of this.

And the last thing I’d want is for you to commit yourself to someone you don’t fully trust.  You’re a human, not a dog, and don’t have to go with someone just because they picked you out!

So I recommend two things.  Either

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How to know when to try difficult tasks.

mina asks: Lately I’ve been struggling about making decisions. Why do people aim for something impossible? Is it always worth a try? Despite the fact that you clearly don’t have a chance to win? Are risks really worth doing, just to make yourself happy?

Hi mina –

What a great question!

I live in this question all the time.  You see, if I’m lying in wait for squirrels, and one shows up, I face a gamble.  If I run to it and catch it, then that’s great, I win.  But if I run and miss it, I’ve just notified it and every other squirrel around that I’m here and on the hunt.  I would have been way better off staying hidden and waiting till one comes closer to me.  But often, none does come close to me, so I’d have been better off trying to catch that first one, right?

Auugh!  It’s really confusing!

So my solution to your question, “Is it always worth a try,” is to… simply not ask it! 

Let me explain. 

If something’s easily achievable (like, say, my eating the dinner Handsome puts out for me every night), then there’s no reason not to go for it, of course.  

And if something’s absolutely impossible to achieve (say, my catching a bird that’s flying twenty feet above my head), then there’s no reason to try, except just for fun, the way puppies just love to run for no reason at all.

But if it’s in-between, like with those squirrels?  Then the question becomes, not “Is it always worth a try,” but rather one of

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Should you move away if you feel you don’t fit in?

Wooff asks: I want to go to a university abroad rather than stay in my country, but my mom is not supportive. Her reason being is due to financial reasons but I said I would go if I got a scholarship. It’s not about money, which they have enough to support me with. It’s just more about the fact that she knows that I plan on settling abroad. I really have nowhere else to go or ask someone without getting a heavily biased opinion. Ever since I’ve been young, I’ve wanted to go abroad. While I owe a lot to my country, I do not want to stay in it. At all. I get stared down by men if I do not wear a certain type of clothing. People use their influence/connections to get to higher ranks. You have to be a people pleaser to be successful (which I am not). I have to behave a certain way to please other people, I cannot walk freely with my boyfriend hand in hand. I live in a third world country. I have no freedom, people only watch out for themselves. And I cannot survive here. I am by nature a very sensitive person. And I have been abroad and I love how everything feels so free there. My mom keeps saying “I raised you and now you want to leave me. A lot of people here are surviving. You can go abroad when we’re dead.” I would not have chosen to be born if I knew being in a family is such a give and take situation. I did not chose to be born here. I don’t want to survive anymore, I want to live. I want the basic right to clean air, if that’s not too much to ask for. If she had the best intentions in mind for me (which I doubt now), she would want me to have my best life. I suggested that they could leave with me but she said it’s not that easy. The reason I’d be staying is because I was forced. I think it’s my right to want a better life for me and my future family. I lived as a second class citizen my whole life in this country. Reading in my country’s education system rather than international education system. Only because I was told that it was too expensive and they could not afford it. But now that the decision has come to choose my universities, I want to go abroad. Yes, I’ll prepare for both here and abroad, but if I could get a decent scholarship, I’d leave. But I’m not getting any support to try for abroad. Maybe the best course of action would be to try for both, while focusing mainly on abroad. I don’t want to take a gap year but maybe that would be the best? What do you think Shirelle? Am I being selfish? Am I in the wrong? What should I do? Conform again or live my life? I’m sorry if I sound hateful, but I’ve been living with this anger since high school, and even now, it hasn’t gone away completely. Would really appreciate an unbiased opinion.

Dear Wooff –

So before I answer you, Handsome said “Tell her to listen to Bruce Springsteen’s song ‘Independence Day.’  That’s exactly where she’s at.  At least she won’t feel so alone.”  And I never disagree with Handsome… on music.  (On what he feeds me, and where he lets me go, I disagree with him all the time.  But enough about that.)

Wooff, there are lots of people, I suppose most people, who are very good at living the way they’re supposed to.  They’re nice people, who relate to the social standards of their culture, they work hard enough, they’re good to their families, and sure they make mistakes but overall they do fine.

And then there are the other kinds of people.  People who don’t fit in so well.  They might be good-natured, they might be very kind, they might be brilliant in some ways, but they’ve just never quite felt like they belonged.

There are dogs like that too.  I’m one of them.  And I think you’re one of those people.  So you and I are alike in more ways than just your name and my species sound!

What I’m saying, Wooff, and what Handsome’s saying with that song, is that this isn’t just about right now, and it’s not just about choosing a university, and it’s not even just about your parents and your country.   This is you.  And the you you’re going to be, at some level, forever.

And what this means is that you’re going to be re-inventing yourself, probably a lot.  If you move to another country, if you move back, if you dress less conservatively or more, if you go to one university or another or none, even what you choose to study there. 

I know it feels scary.  You’re right.  People who comfortably live by the rules don’t have to face this particular fear (Of course everyone faces lots of other ones, so it doesn’t mean their lives are necessarily better than yours; they just don’t have to deal with this).  You might alienate people you really love, or you might give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.

In fact, I’m going to change that last comment.  You WILL alienate people you love.  And you WILL give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.  You will also be misjudged in bad ways, and given credit for strengths you don’t feel you deserve.  You will struggle and fail, and you’ll struggle and succeed, and sometimes you’ll just give up on the struggle.

My dear friend, of course I can’t tell you whether to stay in your country for university or not.  I don’t know nearly enough to give a decent answer.  But from what you wrote, I sure

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How to help your friend pursue their own dreams

Danish asks: The girl whom I love is in a little trouble. She wants to do photography but her parents are forcing her to study medicine. But can you please tell me how can she become a professional photographer?

Hi Danish –

Boy I wish I could help.  Any photographers I’ve ever dealt with just got their work by submitting photo after photo to magazines, TV shows, websites, anyone, till they sell some.  And I’m sure studying it helps, especially if the teacher has contacts in the business who can help her along.

But beyond that, I really don’t know much about that world.  Her best bet is to talk with any teachers she can.

And I will add – just because her official study is in medicine, that doesn’t mean she can’t take a photography class or two, and connect with the faculty and other students in it.  Lots of students major in a “serious” profession while working on their artistic dreams.  

Just off the top of my furry head – Michael Crichton (the great science fiction writer, creator of “The Andromeda Strain,” “Jurassic Park,” and the TV show “E.R.”) and George Miller (the amazing director of the “Mad Max” movies and “Happy Feet”) went through medical school and became doctors, before their explosive artistic successes.

So my big advice to her is to go for her dreams, even if she keeps obedient to her parents!

All my best,

Shirelle

How to make a relationship last

samzy asks: I need steps and advice to build a good relationship with a new girlfriend to make it successful

Hi samzy –

CONGRATULATIONS!  That’s great news!  New romance is the BEST!

And yet…

It’s funny, I’ve never been asked exactly this before.  I get a lot of questions about aspects of relationships, but not a simple broad “how to build a good one” like this.  And I like the question, but I think the answer is in all those others. 


Because no two relationships are ever exactly alike.

In some, you need to figure out how to build trust so the other person won’t suspect things about you all the time.  While in others, you need to figure out ways to deal with your suspicions about them.

In some, you need to learn how to give them enough space to not feel crowded, while in others, you need to learn how to lovingly demand space for yourself.

In some, you need to deal with the other person wanting more physical intimacy than you’re comfortable with, while in others you need to learn how to tolerate their need for moving more slowly than you’d like.

So really, the biggest advice I can give is three things, each of which is always true.

First, always work on

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Should you tell your baby’s father’s family about it?

Cocohh asks: I am 7 months pregnant from an ex of mine who wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Can or should I tell his parents about the pregnancy instead? I could use a little support. Also I have grown up without my father or his family in my life. I would like my child to have both sides of her family in her life. Also, I have a cousin who is claiming to other people that she has a baby from my ex. I am confused as to whether she’s telling the truth or lying, because she was married all along to another guy, and now she is broken up from him and back at her mother’s home. I am so in shock and confused as to what I can do about this. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie?

Hi Cocohh –

 

So okay, I have to start with your final question.  I soooo appreciate people who let sleeping dogs lie.  I’m always snoozing away on the bed next to Handsome, and he’ll roll over and just about tumble me off onto the floor, or he’ll reach over on purpose and give me a scratch or a snuggle, and I really love those things but not if I was right in the middle of a dream where I was catching up to an antelope and about to jump on it and…

 

Oh wait, you’re not asking about that literally, are you?  You meant to ask if you should just let everything be…?

 

NO WAY!

 

My friend, I’m sorry your relationship broke up, but at one point it was there, and this guy chose to do what he did, and yes, there are consequences to our actions.  If I steal a piece of pie off of my human’s plate, I’m going to get yelled at and sent outside.  And he did what he did that resulted in your pregnancy, and, while he doesn’t have to stay with you, he DOES owe you help – at least financial – in raising that baby.

 

So if he’s playing some game of “I broke up with you so I don’t have to have any relationship with you or her,” I don’t see any reason in the world why you have to respect it.

 

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