Category Archives for "Life Skills"

What to do when both partners give what they think the other wants, but it’s not

Kez asks:

I feel my boyfriend and I are not getting along well. It’s always about sex and cooking for him, then he goes to drop off. When I need anything he helps me get it, and he introduced me to his sister the last time I visited as the lady he wants to marry in future. But he doesn’t talk to me much. He doesn’t open up to me at all. I don’t really know what goes on in his life. I love him and I want to be part of him, not just his girlfriend, but I want him to open up to me, and I want to feel that I’m part of his life.

Hi Kez –

            So I’m only guessing here, but I’m imagining that I get a letter from your boyfriend, that says, “My girlfriend just doesn’t seem happy in our relationship.  She’ll cook for me, and we have sex, and whenever she wants anything I’ll at least help her get it.  And I’ve told my family, right in front of her, that she’s the woman I want to marry.  But still she seems dissatisfied.  Can you help me?”

            If I’m right, what’s missing in your relationship is communication.  Not just the openness you’re wanting and needing, but simple “Here’s what I need from you” communication.  He wants to please you, clearly, but it looks like he simply doesn’t know how.  And currently there’s no way for him to find out. 

            This is very normal for couples.  And especially, male humans are often not as good communicators as you females, even on what seems pretty simple material.  The biggest reason for this is that little boys are often told not to talk about their feelings, that that’s too “girlish” a thing to do.

            So your job is to help him out by encouraging him.  Tell him you want to know more of what he’s feeling.  That it’s wonderful he wants to marry you, but you also want to know what’s going on inside him – what he likes and doesn’t like about your relationship, what goes on the rest of his day when he’s not with you, and what he thinks about.  Let him know you’re truly interested, that you find him fascinating.

            I know all this can sound kind of silly.  After all, I have a human who feels the same way about me – he’s always wondering what I’m thinking and feeling – and I can’t speak any words at all. 

            But there’s a wonderful direction in all this.  As your boyfriend starts opening up to you, he’s going to value you even more than he did before, because you’ll be the first person he feels comfortable talking with about all these things.  And not only will you feel better about your relationship, but so will he.

            So be kind, and be patient.  But let him know what you’re after.  The possibilities are endless!

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

6 The Man on the Roof – the importance of experts

The Man on the Roof – the importance of experts

            Okay, before I get to anything else, let me be very clear on this.  I don’t use, and no dog ever has used, toilet paper!  That’s all on you guys!

            There’s a terrific story – I don’t know where it came from originally.  It tells of a religious man who is warned that a great flood is coming.  But because of his deep faith, he trusts that he’s safe. 

            It starts to rain, and a neighbor pulls up in their car, and offers to drive him with their family, to where it’s dry. 

            “No thank you, I trust in my God, and He will save me,” he tells them.

            They drive off, wishing him the best.  And it keeps raining.

            It rains so hard and so long that the street floods.  Another neighbor comes by, floating down the street in a boat, and offers to let him on.

            “No thank you, I trust in my God, and He will save me,” he tells them.

            And they wish him well and paddle away. 

And it rains yet more.  And the water rises so high that only his roof sticks above water, so he sits on it waiting.

A police helicopter flies over, and from a loudspeaker, orders him to grab the ladder so they can fly him to safety. 

            “No thank you, I trust in my God, and He will save me,” he yells to them.  And eventually they fly off to save other people.

            And it keeps raining, and eventually he is drowned and dies.

            His soul goes up to Heaven, where he, as he had always hoped, meets face-to-face with God. He exclaims his shock and disappointment, “I had faith in you, and you let me die!”

            God shrugs his shoulders and snaps at him, “What more could I do?  I sent you a car, I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter, and you wouldn’t accept any of them!”

            Now today, in our modern technological world, we’ve been sent something else.  Experts.  We have a lot of experts.

            There’s so much knowledge out there, no person could ever know even a small portion of it.  But you have each other, and between the seven billion of you, you guys know an awful lot!  We other animals are constantly impressed.

            But then, we also get shocked when we see you ignoring all that expertise and choosing easier or dumber answers instead.

            We hear of people who insist that our planet is flat, though everyone from physicists to airplane pilots offers proof that it’s not.

            We hear of people who swear vaccines cause Autism, though that has been disproven many times.

            And in just this past month, we’ve heard a global pandemic referred to as no big deal, as a “hoax,” as particular to a particular race of people, or as a military plot, and people being told to buy up all the toilet paper and water they can – all by voices who share one thing in common: None of them are experts, and none were using the information experts told them!

We don’t know, and maybe never will, exactly when the Chinese government first realized there was a new, highly contagious, virus in the city of Wuhan.  But once the word got out from there, we know that there were experts all over the world who had studied diseases, viruses, medical supplies, government reactions and actions, and all sorts of other essential aspects of a situation like this.

And we know that a lot of those experts spoke up.

And we know that a lot of people in governments, in businesses, and in media, found what they said unwanterd, and so ignored it.  Or even lied about it.

And because of those corrupt actions, a lot of people will get sick.  And a lot of people will die.

            But wait, are so-called “experts” always right?  We’ve seen throughout history that of course that’s not the case.  So how do you choose who to listen to, and who to believe?

            I have a solution. 

Now normally I’m a big optimist, but you know we dogs are also guardians, so we have a certain pessimism as well. 

My idea is that if you ignore the experts, you’re a fool.  But if you put all your trust into one expert, they might turn out to be incorrect, or a phony.

But if you listen to, and act on, what all the different experts say, your odds of getting the right answer improve a lot. 

So a person might get sick and be told that a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, vitamins and hydration, or a medical drug would help.  Which should they do? Well, if it’s just a little sniffle, you can ignore it.  Or if it’s a cold you get often, you can just do what usually works.  But if it’s something bad, why not do them ALL, at least as much as you can afford?  In the end, when you get better, you won’t know which of them worked and which didn’t, or if it was a mixture of two or more… but you’ll be well, right? 

            So imagine if, when the news about this virus came to light, every government in the world had immediately invested in testing, started research to develop vaccines and cures, arranged to follow people entering and exiting their borders, to see if any were infected, to limit transmission.  Would there have been needless expenditure?  Sure.  Would one or only a few countries gain an enormous economic boost when they created and patented the right medicines?  Yep.  

And would this have staved off a worldwide humanitarian and economic disaster?  Absolutely.

            Now it’s too late to fix what’s gone wrong.  But on the biggest level (governments, diplomacy) and the smallest (our individual lives), we can learn from this experience.  I don’t know how bad it’s going to get, but no one’s saying the human race won’t survive (and the scientists are now saying we dogs aren’t susceptible to it!  Whew!).  So the world can benefit by our learning.

            But for now, just do me a couple of favors.  Wherever you live, wash your hands with soap more than you normally do, control your coughing and sneezing to keep it from going at people, and DON’T HOARD WATER AND TOILET PAPER!  There’s absolutely no reason to, and you’re creating worse problems than existed before!  (Truly – you’d be in way more danger living in an area where people can’t get toilet paper than you are from Coronavirus!)  Plus it’s just mean.  And at times like this, we need to be as kind as we can.

            Trust me on this.  In this one single area (how we treat others) I am, yes, an Expert!

What to do when you have trouble trusting a new boyfriend

Maya asks: I met a guy, he says that he loves me and also willing to start a new life with me, this guy has one kid, but not in a marriage status, and the kid is free to visit both sides, either to see the mum or dad. This guy is 35-37 years I guess not really sure but from the look I can tell. I am young, and I like him, because whenever we get to talk and share some things it just feels good, and it brings a natural feeling of inspiration, and whenever we get to see each other, we evolve happiness. But one thing I don’t like about him – he seems not to be honest and truthful. So Shirelle what step should I make or take to know that am in the right track?

Hi Maya –

            So sometimes I get a complex question, like the one you sent, and have a tough time answering it because there are so many aspects to what I want to say.

            This isn’t one of those!

            You’ve just met this guy.  You don’t know whether to trust him, or even know his exact age!  It’s WAY too soon to marry him, or really to even talk about it.  So your job is to just do exactly what you have been doing, and don’t let him stop you.

            What do I mean by that?  Well, first, enjoy him – you’re having a great time and there’s no reason not to continue that.  But second, listen to those voices inside you that aren’t so trusting.  What is it about him that makes you doubt his trustworthiness?  Maybe you’re wrong, but maybe you’re right.  And until you find out, there’s no reason in the world why you should move to another stage in your relationship. 

            And third – just keep learning more about him, and letting him find out more about you.  Maybe he won’t be as interested in marrying you if he finds out that you can’t go to sleep without watching three reruns of Charmed, or maybe you’ll find you like him even better when you learn that he spent five years volunteering to help stray pups. 

            I’m not saying this relationship is good or bad, or anywhere in between.  What it is is currently delightful, and worth pursuing.  And it’s in that pursuing that you two learn all that really matters about each other. 

            And another point about this – it’ll be better for his child if you two take things slowly.  Get to know that kid, and build a relationship with them.  That matters a lot.

            Also, if it’s possible, getting to know the kid’s mother would be fantastic.  Both so that you two could get along as well as possible, but also — she might be able to tell you some interesting things about this man!  Not necessarily awful stuff, but perhaps some things that might help you out in your deciding.

            But overall, Maya, my main message to you is simple:  Keep things slow, and don’t make any long-term decisions until YOU are ready, and feel comfortable about everything.

            Hoping it goes great!

            Shirelle

Are introverts doomed to be alone?

Enah asks: Is it true that people who are introverts and also have avoidant personality disorder will die alone (because I have a hard time making friends)?

Hi Enah –

Before I answer your question, let me explain a couple of the terms you use. 

First, all people, and dogs, lie somewhere on the scale between Introvert and Extrovert.  The Introvert side is shyer, more focused on themselves, while the Extrovert side is outgoing, focused on and enjoying others.  I am certainly mostly an Extrovert, while my human friend Handsome is mostly an Introvert.  Yet I really value my time curled up alone during the days, and he does love going out with friends, and even enjoys speaking and performing in public.  So whenever someone says they’re one or the other, I figure they mean they’re mostly one or the other.  Lots of famous performers, for example, are wildly extroverted in their work, but deeply shy in their private lives.

And then Avoidant Personality Disorder.  This is an actual diagnosis, a mental illness, where a person’s shyness and sense of inadequacy causes real problems in their ability to interact with others or maintain relationships.  It’s way beyond Introversion, something that gets in the way of nearly every aspect of a person’s life.

So to summarize this, there is nothing wrong with being an Introvert, or leaning that way.  It’s not a good or bad thing, just how a person is.  And it doesn’t make you unlovable.  Some people can’t stand how friendly and rambunctious I am, and prefer calmer dogs.  Similarly, not everyone wants to hang out with loud partiers, as many prefer the company of quieter, more contemplative folks.  So one can live very happily as an Introvert, at least as happily as any Extrovert.  But Avoidant Personality Disorder is a painful, debilitating illness, that should be treated – through therapy at least, and perhaps even anti-anxiety mediations.

But now, to your actual question.  Are Introverts, or people with APD, destined to die alone?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Introverts can work, hang out with friends, marry, raise families, and yes have dogs!  And do so every day.  After all, if only extroverts did these things, only half the population would ever procreate!  Your job as an Introvert is to own your feelings, and not let others force you into hanging with Extroverts you don’t enjoy (You might have to work with them, or have them in your family, but you get to, in your personal time, choose otherwise!).  If you want to meet someone, you don’t have to go to a loud nightclub.  You could research to find a group of people who share an interest of yours – maybe books or movies – and meet new people there.  You can meet people online (though always be sure to be very careful with that, and only agree to meet in a public place, in case they’re lying about who they are).  And of course you can ask your family or friends to introduce you to other people they think you might like.

But if you truly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, again, that’s something that can and should be treated by a professional.  And a qualified one WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU with it, a LOT!

But your question really touched my heart.  You weren’t asking about the joys of making friends or falling in love, but about the very sad fear of dying alone.  So I want to talk to you about someone I write about a lot, my friend Aria.

Aria was born a shy, timid puppy,  She was then abandoned by her human family, got taken in by another family, kicked out by them too, and beaten mercilessly in her training.  She lived out in the wild for a while, afraid of all people.  But eventually she did agree to get taken in by some nice rescuers, who got her to a wonderful couple who took care of her for a few months, till they found an owner for her.  That owner has worked for years to get her happier, more trusting, and more herself.

Enah, today Aria is not only my friend, but a friend to a good number of people.  She’ll lie on their lap, get tummy rubs, and even play a little.  People love her. 

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, but you have a far better chance of finding love and companionship than Aria did.  And look at her now.

Your job is to try.  To try to find people who are like you, and who you like.  To treat any actual disorders you have, but also to accept your shyness and introversion as a part of you, even a virtue.

And while I hope we don’t find out just what circumstances you’ll die in for a LONG LONG LONG time, if you can find those people you can enjoy, and who’ll enjoy you, the odds are that you’ll find you can live very happily, with just the sort of companionship you crave, until that day comes.

All my very very best,

Shirelle

How to deal with great guys wanting you, while you want freedom

JuicyBest asks:

I dated a guy for almost three years, and I cheated on him, but despite everything I did to him he still said he loves me. I broke up with him because I started dating a guy who I recently broke up with, and he still says he loves me. The truth is, for now, I just want to be single because I’m 19, and 300 level in university and I want to focus more on me, school, and a business I intend setting up for myself when we resume.  But I don’t know If my plans are ok.

Hi JuicyBest –

So, um, I have to say, I think your plans are FANTASTIC!  Sure I would have suggested you not cheat on your boyfriend, but you were young, and it’s a lot better than cheating on a husband when you have three kids and a house!  So, hopefully you learned from that experience.  

And in fact, that’s what I’m getting most from your letter – that you’ve learned a lot from experience.  And this has put you in a place where, although two good (or great) guys are saying they love you, you want to focus on your schooling and setting up a business.  I think that’s just great!

You do have a couple of choices, though, now.  You could tell one or both of these guys that you need to be single for a while (say, a year or two), but you’d love them to stay in touch with you, maybe hang out at times, but just not get involved physically or romantically.  One good thing about doing that is that you’d get to learn a lot about them.  Would one say “Forget it, if I can’t have you for a lover, I don’t want anything to do with you!”?  Well that would tell you a lot about what kind of partner they’d be long-term, wouldn’t it!  Or if one says “Okay, but I’m going to need to date other women while I wait for you,” you’d get a chance to see what sort of guy he’s like with other girls – how he treats them, what he learns (maybe he’d even come to you for advice!).  Or, yeah it’s possible one of them could say “I’ll just stay single and wait for you.”  And that would say a lot too.

What I love about what you’re doing is that you’re setting your boundaries, and saying who you are and what you want.  How these guys, or anyone else, treats you is then up to them.  But you will then learn who likes or loves you AS YOU WANT TO BE, and who can’t accept it.  Which is just the best stuff to learn for your future!

After all, if Handsome didn’t love the wild uncontrollable puppy I was, there’s no way I would trust him to love the more mature goofball I’ve become!

So I say to go for it.  And maybe let me know what this cool business is!  I’m really impressed!

Cheers,

Shirelle

How to avoid being taken advantage of

PERFECTION asks:

I have had enough of being taken advantage of by people. Being so vulnerable, being good, and all. Letting them just use me the way they want to. I usually only fight for myself whenever I’m already at my breaking point. Right now I just want people to stop looking at me like I’m someone they can use. 

Hi PERFECTION –

This is a huge issue for lots of people, and particularly for good, kind, honorable people.  You have values and want to live up to them, and find that you’re still getting treated awfully by those around you.

So there are two reasons this might be happening (and both could be true at the same time).  In one case, you’re just unlucky, and live in rough circumstances. For example, let’s say you were a slave, or a victim of kidnapping, or a prisoner of war.  In these cases, through no fault of your own, you’re being treated horribly and denied even your most basic human rights.  Or, at a lesser level, you are treated worse than others because of your skin color or gender or some other irrational prejudice.  In these cases, if there are solutions, they are complex and difficult, and I don’t have the brains to help (There’s a new movie coming out about Harriet Tubman, for example, who led a phenomenal system to help American slaves escape their tormentors.  I don’t have the brilliance to tell you how to do what she did!).

But there’s another situation, where the person being treated badly actually does do something (unintentionally, unconsciously) that brings bad behavior on.  Maybe it’s the woman who picks one abusive boyfriend after another; maybe it’s the guy who can’t keep himself from showing off his intellect and knowledge in ways that anger everyone around him; maybe it’s the child who has that “special something” that makes other kids want to bully them.  In these cases, yes, there is something you can do about it.  But I’d have to

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What to do when your ex connects to you in your dreams.

Maya asks:

Hi Shirelle 
I’ve been having weird dreams, like every time I go to bed all I can see in my dream are robbers, stealing our property and we’re down again to level zero, with totally nothing. After this dream the next thing I see is my Ex – he’s not acting weird in my dream but when I wake up in the morning, he’s tried to call me, but since I moved on with my life I’ve never bothered myself to answer any of his calls. Anytime I get that weird dream, I must get his call the very next morning or during the day that he tried to call. What’s going on?!
Please help me.

Hi Maya –

WOW is this cool!

I’m not an expert on dreams.  Most of mine, as with most dogs, involve hunting or fighting.  I’d like to have more where I’m getting fed yummy treats and being tummy-rubbed, but those activities seem to be confined to my waking hours – and not enough of them!

One thing I do strongly believe is that different people (and dogs) have different gifts.  One person is musically amazing, another can throw a ball so far with perfect accuracy… and some people have some second sight.  The ability to see something that isn’t visible to the rest of everyone.  Maybe that involves picking up on people’s energies (lots of dogs have that one), or, as in your case, having some ability to predict, or cause, something in the future.

Why am I saying “cause?”  Because I don’t know if your dreams are your awareness that your ex is going to call, or they’re making him call!  It could go either way!

But what’s clear is that, for whatever reason, when you have those dreams, he calls.  And, for now, that’s all we know.  

My advice really has nothing to do with your relationship with this guy.  It’s that I strongly urge you to keep noting anything like this.  Some people keep a pad of paper and a pen by their bedsides, so they can write down their dreams the second they wake up (since our memories of most dreams run away from us faster than a truckload of cats!).  You have a gift.  And we don’t know exactly what it is yet.  But it should be honored and investigated.

Maybe you can predict some things.  Now your lonely ex calling isn’t that big a deal, but what if you could predict something really good, or really bad?  Or maybe, as I said, your dream is actually encouraging him to call.  Well today, you have no power over those dreams, but what if you eventually found that you did?  It would be like prayer or manifestation times a thousand!

So again, to me this is just amazing news.  Yeah, it tells you not to answer your phone without looking when you’ve dreamt of robbers in the last couple of nights.  But it could become SO MUCH MORE!!

Congratulations!  I’m proud to know you!

Shirelle

Is it impossible for men to move past heartbreaks?

senny asks:

I need relationship guidance.  Is it so hard for men to forget someone they loved in the past who broke their heart?

Hi senny –

My quick answer is Yes.  Just as it’s hard for anyone to ever forget any other horrible thing that happened to them.

Our brains (and I’m talking humans, dogs, even mice) are trained to learn most strongly from bad things.  That’s why governments have punishments for breaking laws – you might like the fact that your insurance company rewards you for being a good driver, but you’re going to remember that awful speeding ticket more!  

Maybe when you were very little, you put your hand on a hot stove.  Maybe your mother or father had told you many times, “Don’t put your hand there, it’ll hurt!” but you didn’t remember, or chose not to obey them.  But once you put your hand there and felt just how hot that burner was, you learned, and never did it again.

This just makes sense.  Our brains learn from bad things faster and more permanently than anything else, because otherwise none of us would survive.  We’d eat poison fruit again, after it had made us sick.  We’d pick fights with bigger dogs again.  We’d jump off high places, forgetting how painful it was when we landed.

So yes, heartbreak fits right in.  And humiliation, confusion, resentment – all the negative feelings that relationships can create.  (And of course, this is true for women as well as men).

And if I’m picking up on what you’re asking correctly, what you really want to know is how to move past this hurt, or help someone else move past it?  The best way – and really the only way as far as I can see – is to get more specific.  Let’s say Susan broke Ramin’s heart.  Now Ramin might go to a place of saying “I’ll never trust women again,” or “I’ll never trust anyone enough to love again.”  Well that’s a recipe for a miserable life.  But what if Ramin looks at this closer, and says “Susan was always flirting with other men.  So I’ll never fall in love with a woman who flirts with other men again.”  Well that’s a little better.  But what if he looks even closer and realizes, “Susan lied to me when we first met.  So I’m going to insist that anyone I let myself love has to be honest first.”  I like that better.  

So you see, we’ve moved from never trusting anyone again, to never trusting flirts, to never trusting liars.  Suddenly Ramin’s future looks a lot better!

If that makes sense, and if you can apply that to your situation, that’s great.  If not, please write me back and let me know more about your situation, and I’ll be thrilled to help you out!

Cheers,

Shirelle

How to talk to someone you scared off with your interest

oponocat asks: I fell in love with a girl a couple of months ago. When I found her I tried with all my best level to convince her to know that I really love her and to accept my love, but the way she responded to me was not all that good (though it was my first time to talk to her). I
want to take a second move before it’s is too late. I know she is a tough girl and I want you to help me to know where should I begin it.

Hi oponocat –

So if I understand this correctly, you fell in love with a girl you hadn’t talked with yet, and when you first talked with her, telling her you loved her, she responded in a not-very-good way.  And you’re wondering what to do next.

Okay, let me make clear here, I am a WILDLY impetuous dog.  I jump on people I’ve just met and lick their faces, I’ll jump under women’s skirts, I’ll bark at people for no reason.  But this is why I’m kept on a leash.

My friend, you sound a lot like me, but since no one else will do it, you need to get a leash on yourself! 

Now if you’d told this girl that you found her really attractive, she might have gotten scared or shy, but she couldn’t have said you were wrong.  But you said you loved her, or maybe that you were in love with her.  And she, correctly, reacted badly.

Why do I say correctly?

Because all you are in love with is a face, a body, a voice.  It’s like a teen girl saying she’s in love with Bruno Mars or Justin Bieber.  You’re in love, absolutely, but with an illusion.  You don’t know the real woman at all.  And, especially if she’s really beautiful, she deals all the time with men “falling in love” with her looks.  Men who don’t know her at all.  But often, men who think they do know her anyway.

Decades ago, a very beautiful actress named Rita Hayworth became a huge star when she appeared in a movie called Gilda.  Years later, explaining her series of failed marriages, she said “Every one of those men married Gilda, but the morning after the wedding, they woke up in bed next to me.”  Which felt just awful, each time.  Imagine how much happier she’d have been if one guy had just gotten to know the real her and liked that woman a lot, and she’d married him instead.

What you need to do with this woman, if it’s not too late, is to

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1 Wagging Your Tail – the best cheap gift you can give

Picture two different situations.  In the first, you walk into a room where you find a large dog.  You’re both startled, but the pooch stands up, tail wagging, and looks at you with wide eyes and an open mouth, its pink tongue slightly hanging out.  In the second you walk into the same room, and encounter the same dog, but the mutt stays on the ground, staring up at you, unblinking, tail still, mouth closed, eyes unexpressive.  Which situation would you rather be in?  And what would you do differently in one room or the other?

I’m going to guess that you’ll feel a lot more comfortable in the first room.  You might even walk up to the dog, or kneel down and call the pup over to you for a head-pat.  The second dog hasn’t done anything mean or threatening, but you’re just left unsure, and will probably give that pooch a lot of space.  No hugs, no pats, no ear-scratches, no tummy rubs.  And who could blame you?  After all, we have a lot of teeth!

I bring this up because of something I’m noticing about the people around me.  So many are sad, scared, lonely, or frightened in this hectic world, and the one thing that can most easily ease their nervousness comes in too short a supply: Smiles.

Smiles work in the human brain just like those doggy behaviors I described.  Babies learn when their eyes first focus that a smiling face means all sorts of good things – safety, warmth, food, and of course that most important one, diaper changes!  (Sorry, little bit of doggy humor there!  No, that most important thing for a baby, of course, is Love)

As children grow, smiles become, if anything, more important.  Remember going to school and being greeted by a sweet warm smile from your teacher?  And how that felt?  And remember being greeted by another teacher’s scowl, or a blank face looking you over to judge you?  And how that felt?  And if you ever had to go to the hospital, how much safer and more confident you felt if the doctor or nurse gave you a friendly beaming, instead of just sternly focusing on your wound or illness?

And then, yeah, you knew I’d get to this, there’s that point when you start wanting someone, maybe of the opposite sex, to like you.  Or let me rephrase that – when you care more about them liking you than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD!  And a smile from that special person can make your whole day, and not getting it leaves you just crushed.

Now of course there are mean smiles, cruel smiles, hateful smiles.  We’ve all seen them.  A sneer at you when you fail at something.  A grin showing the glee someone feels over feeling better than you.  Or, maybe worst of all, a fake “say cheese” pretending kindness while hiding bad intent.

And because of these, it makes sense to sometimes distrust a smile.  Which is really sad.

Also, there’s the problem that giving smiles signals an openness, an availability.  After all, what if that tail-wagging dog I described didn’t want to be petted?  Its friendly “smile” pulled it into a situation it didn’t want at all, right?  So I’m certainly not saying you should smile all the time, at everyone.

(In fact, this brings up a good point. Some dogs are actually frightened by people giving them big toothy smiles – they look like snarling fangs to them. Just as some people who’ve been attacked by angry dogs are scared when I run up and jump on them. Best to, with new dogs, keep your lips together in your enchanted grin. But with people, you can show all the teeth you like!)

All I want is for you to realize the incredible power you have, right there in the corners of your mouth.  After all, with just the slightest use of those muscles, you can change lives.

Haven’t you had a time when you were really nervous, maybe before giving a report at school or playing a tough game in a sport, and someone’s smile gave you the confidence you needed to give it your best?

Or when you walked into a group of strangers, hoping to feel welcomed, and someone’s snarl or disinterested blank expression left you devastated, and unable to join the conversation?

And haven’t you come to someone at a time you felt full of remorse and guilt, praying they’d accept you.  And when you got their warm smile, your whole world opened up, knowing you had escaped a cold future of disdain?

You know that old song that goes “I see friends shaking hands, saying ‘How do you do,’ They’re really saying ‘I love you’?”  Well I’d argue that a handshake and a casual greeting are fine, but it’s really the smile that accompanies them that says those three beautiful words.  (Funny, since the guy who sang it arguably had the brightest smile in the history of your species!)

Yes, smiling is a way to say to a total stranger, “I don’t know you, but I give you love, to the degree I can.”  Just like a tail-wag and a sniff.

Now these days, where I live, there’s so much tension around.  The weather’s crazy, politics is just upended, and then there’s the issue of the holidays.  Everyone’s in a rush to get to parties, do their shopping, or make a little more money to get through this time.  And while all that should be happy, I just see angry drivers, impatient arguments, and general resentment all over. 

And what can change that?  Well nothing can completely fix it, but I do find that a friendly smile does more than just about anything else. 

Try it.  When walking down that cold rainy sidewalk, smile at the person walking toward you.  When stepping aside to let more people in that crowded elevator, give them all a grin.  And when you’re stuck in a gridlocked intersection, shine your best smile at the other drivers. 

I think you’ll find that, in many cases, they laugh.  Not at you, but with you.  You see, your smile says to them “I know this situation is ridiculous, my friend, so bad it’s funny.”  And that makes them see the humor in it too.

And while you both might be out spending a month’s salary on some special gift for some special someone, it might be that smile, and that laugh, that truly prove to be the best gifts you give all year.  At least the most needed.  At a very reasonable price!

Now again, sure, if you’re in a situation that doesn’t feel completely safe, and you think it might be best if you don’t smile, then that’s fine – there’s no need to.  But I know what I’d hope for then.  While you keep yourself more protected, and keep your face down, someone else there – someone more comfortable than you, more at ease – sees this, and gives you a big grin, telling you you’re safe and even liked.

And that, seeing that, you feel safe enough to give a nice small smile back.  Or, for that matter, a giant grin! 

After all, when we dogs wag our tails at you, we’re hoping for a reaction too.  Maybe even a treat. 

And smiling back is about as welcome as a slice of pizza!

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