Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 What to do when your best friend hates the person you’re dating

SmileyTeen11 asks: Dear Shirelle, I have a boyfriend and he’s really nice, but one of my friends hates him (she used to date him, and they broke up) and she wants me to dump him. I love her like a sister and don’t want to break our friendship, but I love him with all my heart and have never liked a boy like this! Also, he’s 14 years old and I’m only 12. Is it bad that I’m dating him? I feel such a spark whenever I’m around him! What do I do?):

Oh SmileyTeen11, what a mess this is!  It’s certainly a common one.  Lots of people refuse to ever date anyone who their friends have dated, just to avoid this issue.

But in a way, it comes down to a very simple fact.  You have a great friend.  But that means that she has a great friend too.  And just because you’re dating a guy she hates, that doesn’t mean she’s lost her friend.  You do want to keep her in your life.  So the real responsibility, it seems to me, is on her to deal with it.

You’re very young.  Most likely you’ll have lots of boyfriends, and lots of breakups, in the next 10-20 years.  So will she.  Now if a person insists that, every time they break up with someone, all their friends have to avoid that person, their life is going to get really Continue reading

0 What to do when your friends have romantic problems with each other

Cinderrella asks: I have a problem with some friends, a guy and girl. They both like each other very much, but the girl says she isn’t ready yet to date, so this guy is always coming to find out if she really likes him or not. Since I’m pretty close with both of them, the girl asks me not to tell him anything. I try doing that, but he just doesn’t back off. I don’t want to be mean to him, so what do I do?

Hi Cinderrella  –

I have lots of posts on here about dating issues, but I don’t think that’s the real problem here.  What’s really going on is that your two friends are putting you in the middle of a problem that has absolutely nothing to do with you!

It’s hard, because you’re a nice person who cares about both your friends.  But the truth is that both of them are putting pressure on you that’s really pretty unfair.  I think your job is to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, without pushing either of them away.

One great way to do it is to be extremely clear.  To say something like “Because I love both of you, I’m going to step out from all of this.  You have to tell each other what you want to the other to know.  But I value you both and so won’t be a mediator between you anymore.”  And if that is enough to get them to stop trying to pull you in, then that’s great.

But what if they don’t?  What if you say that and they just keep making you part of their stuff?  In that case, I’d suggest you get a bit harsher.  Like to say to them “Look, I’m sorry but I just refuse to be part of this. You’re just going to have to work it out yourselves!”  And if that doesn’t work?  Probably you need to be simpler at it:  “No!  I am not part of this!”

The funny thing is that, while it feels like you’re being harsh and unfriendly to them, you’re actually being a better friend.  And you’re definitely doing a better job of holding on to your friendship (since couples often blame the third-party for anything that goes wrong!).

So be strong Cinderrella, and keep those friends.  In the long run, they’ll appreciate it!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 Why do guys like sex?

lady Ritzy asks: Hi dear Shirelle. Why do guys like sex???

Hi Lady Ritzy –

What a funny question.  But I guess it’s really a profound one.  My problem is that you could be asking one or more of three questions, so I’m going to try to answer all of them as best as a doggy can.

First, if you’re asking in terms of biology, most all beings above a certain cellular level reproduce by mating, so there’s an urge in them all for the mating act.  In the higher mammals (including dogs and humans) there is a mixture of sensitive parts of the body liking certain feelings and very powerful urges of attraction.  Although there are billions of exceptions, the majority of cases in these mammals involve the male being the most driven to the Continue reading

0 How can a teenager get what they want from their parents without being disrespectful

lynde asks: How do I get what I want from my parents without being disrespectful?

Hi Lynde –

This is a great question, one which teens have been struggling with for centuries.  And that’s because the teen years are, by definition, a time when humans begin to develop in ways that go against their parents.  By that, do I mean that they have to rebel against their parents’ authority and values?  Well, lots of the time, yes!

Think of it as the opposite of weaning.  You’ll see puppies or kittens whose mothers are very happy to let them nurse on them.  But eventually the little folks get bigger (and start to get sharp teeth!), and the mother has to tell them “No, you can’t eat here anymore!”  Usually that involves pushing her young away, or even nipping at them.  They have to learn to eat in other ways.

Well, there comes a point when a human is a teenager when they sort of have to wean their Continue reading

0 How does one start conversations with people or dogs?

Vaibhav asks: I can’t talk much with people, especially girls. I can talk with my friends and their parents easily, but with other people it’s hard for me. I’m scared of street dogs also. So can you talk me out of it?

Hi Vaibhav –

Regarding speaking to girls, of course it’s always harder to be “at ease” when you’re with someone where there’s more at stake.  You’re fine with your friends and their parents because you’re comfortable in the knowledge that they’ll accept you as you are, to the complete degree that you want.  But if that’s not the case, and you want and need especially to be accepted by them, and in particular ways, absolutely you’ll be stymied.  I’m great at greeting strangers in a park, but if one of them is holding a hot Italian Sub sandwich, I’m going to be a lot more nervous around them, and worry about how I’m appearing to them, so they’ll like me and want to give me… well… all of it.  And yes, Vaibhav, to a large portion of the population, girls are a hot Italian Sub sandwich!!!

My main trick for talking with people you don’t know and you want to accept you is to ask them about Continue reading

0 How to get over fears about trust

Fruitloop asks: I am16 years old, and have MAJOR trust issues I would like to get over. I don’t know why I have these issues – I have a good family life and my parents are nothing but kind to me. I have had a lot of friend issues though, and I think that is my problem. I feel as though as soon as I get close to someone I get scared because of my past, because if they find out I’m afraid that they will avoid me :/. Help me please!

Hi Fruitloop –

Trust is one of the toughest issues anyone ever has to deal with.  Sure, it’s understandable when someone’s suffered horrible abuse, but it’s still a problem when someone has, like you, had a relatively good experience in this life!

Where do your trust issues come from?  Maybe you’re just a person with a nervous temperament, and so you’ve always been a worrier and will always be one.  Or maybe your parents are untrusting, and so, while they’ve always been good to you, you’ve learned from them to be concerned about others.  Or of course, maybe you have had some experiences that have left you less trusting of your Continue reading

0 What to do with a friend who’s told you difficult information

Cinderrella asks: My friend just told me today about her family problems. I don’t know why, but now suddenly I feel bad for her and I don’t know how to act towards her anymore. Should I ignore it and go back to the way things were? Wouldn’t that be selfish of me?

Hi Cinderrella –

Your problem is a really common one.  You’ve had a certain way of dealing with your friend for a long time – probably very casual, friendly, maybe joking.  And suddenly she told you something really serious about her life, and now you don’t know how to act with her.

The tough part of this is that it was probably very hard for her to talk to you about these problems, and while you didn’t mean it this way, your actions might look like you’re upset with her for her Continue reading

2 What to do when teenagers retreat from life

Pinky asks: Hi. I am a mother of a 13-year-old son. Of late I have realized he is losing his interest in studies and is becoming very inactive in his day-to-day life. My son is good in studies but now he is not doing his work on time and wants to postpone all his work. He is lacking in concentration too. He doesn’t like to go out much. He just wants to sit at home and watch TV or play PSP, etc. What should I do now?

Hi Pinky –

Thanks for your question about your son.

I wish I could tell you for sure what’s going on.  But the truth is, it could be any number of things.

MOST likely, it’s nothing to be terribly worried about.  Most teenagers go through a period (or a few periods) like this.  Their bodies and worlds are changing very fast, and they need a time when they sort of retreat, when they lose their usual energy and excitement, and need to pull inside themselves, and avoid the Continue reading

0 How to help a child who’s been frightened by scary pictures

Georgie asks: My 10-year-old daughter recently was exposed to a truly horrific image on the ‘Quizazz’ website… she really had her wits scared out of her and, despite my reassurances of ‘it’s not real,’ I don’t think I’m getting thru; how can I help her deal with her fright which is now turning into nightmares and having to have a night light on, etc?

Hi Georgie –

I just looked at Quizazz, and I think I might have seen the pictures that scared her –  Yep, those are pretty darn creepy!   I will say, though, that if it was one of those, I’m happy that it wasn’t worse!  Children are going to see faces that scare them, whether it’s in a fairy tale book or a monster movie or…  Hey do you know what movie has scared more people more than any other over time?  If you’re thinking about “Psycho” or “The Exorcist” or some slasher flicks, forget it.  The most frightening movie ever (based on a survey of psychologists years ago) is ” Continue reading

0 How to deal with mixed signals from someone you like

xxxDarkMusicLoverxxx asks: Remember when I asked you about my best friend? Well now a friend of mine is going to have a quinceanera, and I am a Dama and so need to find a guy to dance with. I want to ask him my best friend, but lately it seems like he doesn’t want to talk to me at all… I really want to ask him if he will dance with me…but I have a feeling that he got back 2gether with the girl he’s in love with…and I am hurting so much right now! I really want to tell him how I feel bout him but I don’t know what he would say. Also when I told him I might be going to the mall about 2 days ago, he said to tell him which mall because he might go and show up like a creepy stalker person. And another time he freaked me out by texting me to call because the girl he’s in love with was beating him and stuff. I couldn’t call him at the time so… I don’t know what to do and what to say… Please help me… I feel so lost! 🙁

Hi xxxDarkMusicLoverxxx!

My friend, your situation just seems to get more and more complex!  I totally want to sniff this guy out, and maybe then I can tell when he’s telling the truth, when he’s being coy, and when he doesn’t really know what he’s feeling at all!  I completely understand how his behavior is driving you nuts – it’s almost got me there too!!!

And so here’s my point.  Your main problem right now isn’t about your relationship, or your friend’s 15th birthday party.  It’s the craziness this guy is making you go through!  So your job is to find a way to get out of this wackiness.  And I think the best way is going to be for you to ask him to Continue reading