Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to deal with a parent who can’t compliment you

lover454 asks: How would you interpret what my mom (age 88) said to me (age 59), given the fact she always has to be snide with me. Keep in mind this is the same mother who twice (a year ago and a few years ago) said to me that I was overdressed for an interview. Today I drove her to do some chores and I said to her “Are you really putting down my clothes” and in a sarcastic way she said, “Yes I am”. Anyway I dropped it, and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do, so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes, and she replied, “I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing, because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset.” So I teased her about that answer At the next chore, after she finished, she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more, “There are some days one looks better than others,” which got me upset and I asked her to clarify, and she said, “The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on.” We said a few other things which made her say, “I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking. She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things. How would you interpret her “look great” remark?

Hi lover454 –

I’m going to make a guess. Now you can be sure, we dogs don’t make correct guesses often, so I know there’s a good chance I’m wrong, but I’m going to risk it anyway:

I’m going to guess that your mother has never been very complimentary toward you. I’m going to guess that when you were young, she criticized how you dressed for school, or how you did on your grades, or how you did in sports – and later, how you looked when you went on a date (and who the person was you were going out with), and who you chose for your friends, and what sort of work you did… I’ll bet she’s always been really tough on you.

The reason I’m guessing that is that most people reach a point in life where they don’t care what certain people think. But one thing that will keep that person’s opinion mattering to you (especially if it’s a parent) is if you’re still Continue reading

0 How to get someone who likes you to say it

Mandhie asks: I have liked my crush for six years now. Though we are in different schools now, we still stay in contact with each other. Here is my problem: First of all, I think my crush likes me too, but I am not so sure. There are certain characteristics he likes in me. When we are together, we both feel shy and don’t look into each other’s faces to talk. Secondly, we both sound so confident on the phone but become shy (as I said earlier) when we see each other. Thirdly, his friend has told me he likes me and our families know each other and keep on saying we will become married in the future. And he smiles when they say that. I have become so close to one of his friends and he teases me with him sooooooo much! Recently, my crush came home for midterms and the way he is acting towards me is different. I feel he is beginning to like me more. We chatted and I told him I was making food, and did he want some? He said it would be his pleasure to taste it because he was so hungry, but it was just for fun. Later, I think he was bored in the house and called me. I was so happy! We didn’t have much to talk about, but we talked for a while. I then called him later because I was bored and we chatted beyond an hour. He sounded so comfortable with me. We played a game in which we asked each other 20 questions we want to know about each other and it was so fun. Shirelle, now I love the way we are becoming closer, how his friends tease us both, how his mum calls me “in-law” (that’s cute), and many more things, but the MAIN problem is: in my OPINION, I think he is into me now, but how come he has not yet told me he likes me? I don’t want to tell him I like him because I read on the Internet that ‘if a girl tells a boy she likes him, the guy immediately stops liking her,’ and I don’t want him to stop liking me. How can I make him tell me he likes me? I have liked him for six years now! And you know the saddest thing on earth is when you like someone and that person has no idea!

Hi Mandhie –

Okay, let’s start by making one thing clear. There is NO question this boy likes you. Exactly what he’s thinking, or what he wants… that’s always up to debate. But this guy likes you.

And he’s shy about it.

So you’re stuck with two possible actions. One, you could just wait around for him to do or say something (which is what that person on the Internet is suggesting), or you could take action.

You can probably guess, as someone who gets in lots of trouble for jumping on people and licking them whether they want it or not, I am all for action.

But the question is, what action? You could tell him you like him. You could ask him out on a date. You could do like me and just jump on him. And any of those could work, or could put him off.

But I think there’s a softer version, that’s pretty guaranteed to work. Do you have Continue reading

0 How to deal with a boyfriend ignoring you

brena asks: I am lacking my boyfriends attention. He hardly texts or calls me. We are on a VIP text plan that gives us unlimited text for a month, but if I get ten texts from him in those days I am lucky. This has been going on for a long time now, and has reached the point where I have thought about cheating on him just to get a little attention. I really do love him and I know he loves me – whenever I tell him the way I feel he says he will change, and just for a day or a few hours he does, but then the same thing takes place. There is a lot more but I just can’t bother to write it all out. He spends more time with his friends than me. I am lonely and confused I just want a little love and affection! I was at church and I found out that a younger boy likes me. I was so happy that someone still likes me and looks at me and smiles – that shows I am beautiful and I’ve still got the looks to steal a boy’s heart! I love my boyfriend so much I won’t cheat on him, but I really need the love and the attention – without that this relationship can’t work. Maybe I just want to stop speaking to him? I can’t bother with the way he treats me!

Hi brena –

Once, a few years back, my friend Handsome got extremely busy on a work project.  He only came home enough to sleep, every day for three weeks.  And even after that, he was gone twelve or more hours a day.  It was just awful for me.

The first few days were intolerable.  I was so lonely!  I would sit around the house, wondering why he didn’t like me or care about me anymore.  But then I noticed something – rats!  Our neighbor had rats in their yard.  And at times, they would run on power lines from their yard into others, through our yard.  And they’d go through our trees!

Now what was really interesting about this is that I never could tell if there was a rat in our trees.  It wasn’t like I could see them in there.  So whenever even a slight breeze would blow the leaves, I would assume a rat was there, and jump as high as I could to try to see, and catch, it.  And this was a windy time of year, so I spent most of my day jumping, trying to catch one.

It was so fun doing this that, even when Handsome would come home, exhausted, for his few hours sleep, I was completely obsessed with rat-hunting, and wouldn’t pay that much attention to him!  Yes, the guy who I’d been pining over for days!

As his schedule started to improve, though, he wanted to spend more time with me (He’d actually missed me!).  And I’d start to get re-attached to him, but then he’d leave again, or get all “I’m too busy on the phone” on me.  All that kind of stuff.

Finally, he had a day off.  And both of us were overjoyed to have a day together.  We slept in, and he made breakfast and shared it with me, he put on music we both liked, and all seemed great.  And then he settled himself down onto the floor, with a big pile of mail, to do paperwork, and promptly ignored me.

I was furious!  I had put up with so much, and now he was going to do this?!  So I did the one thing I could think of.

In those days, he had a white couch.  And I was allowed anywhere in the house except on it, because my dirty paws would discolor it.  So on this day, ignored, I walked over to the couch, and, watching him intently, climbed onto that couch and sat on it.  Saying as clearly as if I had a human mouth, “So are you gonna pay attention to me now?!”

Handsome was shocked, and yelled at me to get off of it.  But then he realized what was going on, and laughed at us both, and said, “Okay, knucklehead.  Let’s go back outside.”

We went out into the back and did the single thing we most needed to do:  We PLAYED.  We played catch, we played tag, we ran and tumbled and chased each other and tug-of-warred, and re-built the connection we’d lost a little of.  It wasn’t that Handsome hadn’t cared, or hadn’t loved me.  He’d just gotten so wrapped up in his work that he’d lost touch with how much he needed to connect with me – in a doggy way!

Okay, why am I telling you this long story?  Because everything you’re telling me about this boyfriend reminds me of how I felt while Handsome was off working.  But what I don’t know is: is your boyfriend just consumed by something, as Handsome was?  Or is he truly not caring enough to pay attention to you?

If it’s the first, then I suggest you go stand on his couch!  But if it’s the second, then it’s time for you to think, very strongly, about how you want and deserve to be treated.  Maybe you think you’re being silly, and all is really fine.  Or maybe you think you want to spend the rest of your life being treasured and honored and noticed.  And if so, maybe this isn’t the boy to do that.  Maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy – and should be with someone else.  Someone who doesn’t care about getting lots of attention.  (Or, more likely, maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy, who needs to learn what a relationship really needs!).

So what’s his “couch?”  What sort of test can you give him, to see if he cares, or really doesn’t?  Can you ignore him a little, and see how he responds?  Can you treat him the way he treats you, and see how he likes it?  Can you make a point of making sure he sees you flirting with other boys?!

And if you do something like this, see how he reacts.  Does he go “Oh!  I need to work harder to keep brena!  I hate feeling like I’m not important to her!”  Or does he shrug and say “Oh well, she wasn’t all that important to me anyway”?  Or does he get angry and mean (which might mean it’s best to break up with him, since that sort of behavior you definitely don’t deserve!)?

Whatever it is, you’ll learn some truth about him then.  And when you do, that will point you the way to go.

And who knows?  Maybe he acts in a way that makes you break up with him, and THEN he begins to realize how important you are to him, and he starts to ‘step up’ and give you what you deserve.  That’d be great too!

Whatever it is, brena, it’s time for you to determine, for yourself, what your worth is.  And once you do, you’ll know what risks are worth taking.  Maybe risking losing a guy who doesn’t treat you right.

Or, in my case, risking getting really yelled at about getting on that couch!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to control yourself without hurting people

Dubmom asks: How do you control yourself without hurting people?

Hi Dubmom –

I’m not sure I’m understanding your question exactly – are you asking how one can control themselves in order not to hurt people, or are you asking how to control yourself, but not hurt anyone in so doing?

If it’s the first, this was a huge issue for the first few years of my life.  I was a big, very strong, and very excitable pup.  I loved Handsome with all my heart, but something would grab my attention and I’d forget all about him, for example the time he parked his car on a steep hill, and as we were working our way down it, with me on a leash, I saw a dog and lunged to play with it, and pulled Handsome off his balance so he slipped, fell over a high curb, scraped up his face and damaged one arm so badly he couldn’t straighten it out for days.  Now I didn’t choose to do that to him; I never would.  But I lost control for a second, and did it – I hurt him.

The only solution I know for that is to mature, to pay more attention, and to prioritize.  So that, if that situation happened again, instead of pulling to get to that other dog, I’d whine to let Handsome know I wanted to be let off the leash.  If he agreed to it, great, I’d get to run to that other dog.  If not, I’d know he’d let me off once it was safe.  But I had to make our safety the priority, which means I needed to Think First.

Again, that mostly comes through maturity, through living and learning tough lessons.  You’ll note – even adult humans who pride themselves on being rebellious and uncontrolled don’t run into busy streets without looking!  They’ve learned that lesson over time!

But I’m more intrigued by this other way of reading your question.  How often we see people doing things to control themselves, which actually hurt others!

Most often I think it’s just Continue reading

0 How to get a child’s father to pay child support

annezach asks: I am the single mom of a 7-month-old. Unfortunately the father doesn’t take responsibility, at least for financial support, and his parents don’t either. What should I do so that they will support the baby? Should I ask them or should I ask the government to handle this case?

Hi annezach –

I really hate hearing things like this.  As you might know, I was abandoned by my parents, and was adopted by a human from a pound when I was three months old; and if he hadn’t shown up when he did, I’d have been a goner.

Plus, as a dog, I’m extremely loyal.  So I have trouble understanding people who become parents, but then don’t want to support or take care of their own children.

But the father in this case doesn’t sound like he wants nothing to do with the kid.  Instead, he just doesn’t want to pay for it.  Which is a tiny bit better… but only a tiny bit.

Sometimes fathers don’t want to pay child support because they feel like they’re giving money to the mother, instead of to the child.  But even then, they really should do it.  It’s the kid who’s getting punished by their not paying what they should.

So you’re asking how to go about getting him to pay up?  I’m no expert on law, and don’t even know where you live, but I would suggest that Continue reading

0 How to forgive yourself for getting your heart broken

Eazyman asks: I am a 20-year-old guy, in love with my cousin. When she was 17, she asked my number from her father and started chatting with me, telling me she loved me. I thought it was right to tell her the truth, that I had a crush on her, since she seemed to be on the same page with me. We were living in different towns by then, so we used to send each other photos (she has always said I was handsome). She used to beg me to pay her a visit, telling me she wanted me closer to her, but now that we are finally living in the same city she seems to be rejecting me. She treats me like a ordinary guy and not like a lover. I tried to talk to her about it, but she took it as some kind of joke. I am now feeling terrible. I can’t forgive myself for telling her I was in love with her, I feel like a fool. Please help me forgive myself.

Hi Eazyman –

Humans are so funny.  Here you tell us this painful story, where you opened your heart to this girl who you trusted and believed in.  And she gave you every reason to trust and believe in her.  But that then, when you were able to live in the same area, she got distant and broke your heart.  And you’re asking me to help you forgive… yourself!

You see, to my doggy mind, you did nothing wrong.  You lived your life, you acted based on your heart, and you gave nothing but love.  So what’s to forgive?  That’s the best way to live!

So I think there are, instead, three things you need to do, to get past all this rotten embarrassment, and move on in your life.

The first is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re feeling suicidal

annabell asks: I’m not feeling very happy with life. I have a great family but I can’t talk to them – I can’t talk to anyone. I’m just not good at talking. I feel so sad. Everyone thinks I’m a happy person but that couldn’t be more wrong. I really don’t see the point in my life. I’m trying to stay positive, but I can’t, and each day I feel worse and don’t know what to do. When I’m home alone all I do is cry like I have a pain inside me. I feel so alone, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I always wish I was dead. In fact, if it wasn’t for upsetting my family, I’d do it. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of this.

Hi annabell –

Okay, so I want to start with two things.  First of all, what you’re feeling is something everybody goes through at times.  There’s nothing strange or wrong in it, and it will pass if you let it – I promise.

Second, I want you to promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.  If you’re feeling a real push to do something harmful, you can call a therapist or a counselor, or even your local police department, and they’ll hook you up with someone who can help you get through this.  Again, everybody goes through a time like this.  You just have to get to the other side of it without doing anything damaging.

Okay, now that those are out of the way…!

It sounds to me like you’re going through a big transition in your life.  I don’t know your age, but maybe you’re a teenager turning from a child into a grownup. Or maybe you’re an adult learning that you have strengths you didn’t know you had (or that you don’t have some strengths you thought you did).  If I’m right, you’re going through a very normal state of Continue reading

0 How do I know if I’m a psychopath?

arjai101 asks: I read a book on psychopaths a few months ago. I learned about all of the characteristics and the development of the definition and diagnosis on psychopaths. However, when I read this book I couldn’t help but notice that I possessed several of these characteristics. More curious, I took several test on psychology websites and most of them suggested that I might be a sociopath. In fact, I scored 97% higher than the average person. When I started telling people about the research I had done they started to point out that my way of thinking and personality highly resembled a psychopath. They say that if you’re worried about being a psychopath that you aren’t one. But I don’t think I’m worried I feel more curiosity than anything. I’ve been asking you for advice for quite a while now. Do you think that I am psychopath? If so, how should I deal with this?

Hi arjai101 –

Psychopaths and Sociopaths are both people who have something called Antisocial Personality Disorder.  The difference between them seems to be about how they interact with others.  But fundamentally, they both have this condition, which is marked by complete disregard of the rights of others, a lack of conscience, and criminal and aggressive behavior.

Is this really you?

Let me make this clear.  Every person, and every dog, in the world, has some aspects of APD.  Each of us can also get depressed, can get kind of manic, can explode in anger, and can hear things that aren’t really there (haven’t you noticed those times we pooches will start barking furiously at what you can clearly see is nothing?!).  And each of those is the hallmark of a serious mental disorder.

The issue with these diagnoses is that Continue reading

0 What to do if you’re caught watching inappropriate stuff.

Monkey_Candy13 asks: I need some advice on friends. My friend and I apparently watched something that we shouldn’t be watching (you know). Then she told her mom and her mom said you have to tell your dad and he told her to not hang out with me anymore. My friend is very protective of her dad and always thinks he’s right, even when he is wrong (even if she and her Mom agree he is). You would probably think, “Don’t you have other friends?” and I do, but every time I want to hang with them, they always say they are busy – while this friend has always made time for me. I have tried fixing things between us, but she never lets me talk about anything. So I sent her a letter, but she has not replied. My friend even unfriended me on Facebook. I really hope you can help!

Hi Monkey_Candy13 –

I think you are dealing with two questions here, really. But the answer to both of them might be the same thing.

The first question is what to do about being caught watching something inappropriate. I wish this weren’t the case, but the truth is that today, with the internet, it’s almost impossible to imagine someone could be a teenager and not have any curiosity about what’s considered naughty or unacceptable. This is part of why parents are absolutely freaked about their kids going online – it’s not that they might discover something, it’s that it’s so easy to discover EVERYthing! Parents, such as your friend’s dad, feel absolutely helpless. They don’t want their kids seeing too much, and will go to crazy means to keep that from happening. And while you, your friend, and her mother, all might realize that being around you wasn’t the cause of her watching that stuff, and being around you now wouldn’t mean she’d do it again, her dad is stuck with trying to do ANYthing he can to keep that from happening.

Meanwhile, the second is how you can re-connect your friendship with this best-of-all-friends. Even though she’s trying to be loyal to her father, by cutting you out.

Well, I have one idea. It’s scary, and would take a lot of bravery. But if you’ve got the guts, it’s possible that it could work.

I think you should Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in love with two people

ehaose asks: I’m in love with two guys and they both promised to marry me. A is very understanding – he is in the same class as me and an A student. He wants to be a doctor when he finishes school. When we have free time we like to take a walk in the park. The only problem with him is he comes from a poor family. B drives a Jeep, and is a manager at his company. He has three houses, buys me expensive gifts, and takes me to very expensive restaurants. He wants to marry me next month, but wants us to have sex on his birthday to prove I love him – and that’s next week.

Hi ehaose –

Wow, this sounds like one of those novels with a cover showing a beautiful woman on a horse, being held by a handsome shirtless man with gigantic pecs. The rich man and the poor man both love her, both are amazing, and she’s torn as to what to do.

In the novels, I believe she usually goes for the guy from the poor family. But I’m not saying to do that – just pointing out what the novelists say!

I’m going to say something a bit less romantic instead.

You say you’re in love with both these men. Yet when you told me about them, you never said a word about their Continue reading