Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 Why do older children wet their bed?

miles asks: My biggest secret is I still wet my bed and I have to wear pull ups to bed. I don’t want to but I have to. Why do I still wet the bed? I worry people will find out. I never told anyone my secret before.

Hi miles –

I don’t know if there’s another issue that causes so much shame in humans as inability to control their bladder or bowels.  I suppose it’s because parents put such importance on it in child-raising.  There’s really no reason why it should be any more embarrassing than a runny nose or an uncontrollable cough, or tripping and falling down – these are all areas where one fails at what they’re trying to control – but it is.

I don’t know your age, miles, but I’m going to assume you’re over six.  If you were younger than that, I’d say not to worry too much.  But if you are, there really are two things to do, and they come in a very clear order.

First, you should Continue reading

0 How to get better at talking to strangers – and crushes.

arjai101 asks: Dear Shirelle, I feel like I’m delusional. I constantly seem to be coming up with arbitrary and false reasonings for claims I hope to be true. Particularly, this is true if I like someone. Or, If I hope they like me. Most of the time, I would never date the person. But, no one has ever liked me before or expressed any feelings for me outside of the delusions in my head. I feel like I make up things that have never happened or turn small things into things that are bigger. When in reality, it is impossible. I don’t know how to stop. Or, maybe I can’t stop because it’s easier to accept a bunch of self-constructed lies. It’s a little hard when everyone around you seems to have experienced some kind of romantic occurrence except you. Before, It kind of fit in with the whole awkward adolescent vibe. At this point, it is actually embarrassing. In addition to this, one of my delusions might be true or just another way of rationalizing it all. I feel like maybe I’m intimidating. Maybe, people are scared of me or I have RBF(Resting B—- Face). It’s not like I’m some broody loner in the corner. I’m extroverted. I love being around people. But if I like someone or if I’m hallucinating that they like me, I have this way of ignoring people. Not blatantly, I may have never uttered a word to them before. It’s kind of an instinct, to pretend like there not there. (Not look at them, acknowledge them etc.) I would talk to them. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation. For example, there is one person, who I never really talked to just because I guess I found them intimidating. And now, I would love to talk to them but it would seem so weird if I did because social dynamics are so set in stone at this point. I’ve had opportunities for small talk but I can hardly make a good impression as I lose words. It’s particularly those times I do the whole instinctual ignoring thing. Maybe they’re just as intimidated by me as I am by them? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or, how to stop doing the things that are screwing everything up? Or, am I just crazy? Anyway it goes, I need advice.

Hi arjai101 –

As a dog, I don’t think or talk much about the subconscious.  Sure, I like to dream, and Handsome tells me I’m just ridiculously cute when I dream I’m chasing a lion or fighting a polar bear, and my feet run and my mouth twitches, sometimes even barking myself awake.

But there’s the other kind of subconscious.  The part that, with full reasoning, controls our actions without our knowing about it.  One of the main ways it works is with fear.  I’ll see a dog who reminds me of one that beat me up as a puppy, and I’ll be submissive on my back in under a second – I’m not consciously thinking it’s that dog, but my subconscious takes over and makes this happen.

I think that’s what’s going on with you.  Let’s be honest – other people can be scary.  And even more so when you’re attracted to them.  They aren’t aware of it, but they hold such enormous power over you at that time.

And if, as you say, you’ve never known someone to have strong feelings for you (ARE THEY CRAZY?!  YOU’RE AMAZING!), then you have no reason not to expect a new person to feel just the same.  Which, if they expressed it, would make you feel hurt.  Of course.

So, as a human, you don’t fall on the ground with your tummy exposed, the way I do.  Instead, you withdraw.  Shut down.  Almost like a deer or rabbit, the way they go still when they see me around.  And not only do you physically shut down, but your brain goes numb too, and you can’t think of anything to say.

This is totally normal.  Though, as you say, it sure doesn’t help get relationships going.

So in terms of what to do about it, I’m going to recommend something completely ridiculous.  I want you to Continue reading

0 When your friend goes after your crush

AudreyKimberly146 asks: So I entered high school last July. It has been a big surprise and emotional roller coaster! I mean, gosh! The projects and assignments were terrible.–. We divide semesters into 2 quarters. So by the end of 2016, I have finished my 2nd quarter. You see, there’s a week between Q1 and Q2 and it’s basically the ‘white week’–it belonged to no quarter. In that white week, you can’t believe how our class received bookings of big projects for the 2nd quarter!! (AND THE 2ND QUARTER HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET, OH SWEET CHEESE CRACKERS ;w;) So the school tasks have been overwhelming, and I’m bittersweet in enduring yet enjoying my time. But! This is not the reason why I’m here XD Let’s cut off to the chase–I have a friend named V. She’s a new student and I befriended her by a chance. She attends my class, we’re almost like best friends! …except she did something I’d say horrible 🙁 Well, maybe it’s because I’m a kind of biased–you’ll get it (kinda) as we go on :)) So recently, by recently I mean the end of August 2016, I have come to acknowledge that I’ve officially moved on from my painfully endured first love!! :)) I endured like 8 years, I think I’m pretty faithful XDXDXD Well, I decided to share this secret to a friend of mine (this was a HUGE mistake) and she friggin’ spreaded it in like, a flick of a finger!! XDXD I’m not mad at that fact, just as long as the person himself doesn’t take notice and started to act funny in front of me.–. Well, let me tell you, it was CRAZY! sigh In less than a month, the whole class already knew and the secret is now spreading to other classes–I really wish I hadn’t told her aarrghhh X”D im laughing in regret Oh, ‘-‘ but again, that’s not why I’m here today too. So, V. She knew that I like him. And she ‘said’ she “ship” me with him== I call that BS. Because of the amount of projects, we need to start to work together in groups. The teacher made groups, instructed us to make groups, and V–I really don’t like to accuse but at this point I must say that she looked like she was infatuated on my crush–she really wanted to be with my crush! Here’s an example: when she edited this video for this certain project, she’d sit beside my crush and carry along–editing with no care of the world–except she’s like 5 inches away from my crush!! You see, I don’t really know about other people, but if Ia bold on the ‘I’ knew a friend of mine had a crush on a certain someone, I would, by all means, avoid that certain someone because I’d want to be a good friend. She continued that ‘betraying-like’ thing for a while, and my other friends started to feel irritated too–because they know I have a crush on the boy. (Oh by the way she’s still VERY sticky with him==) One day, I decided to confront her. I told her “girl, I don’t want to rule your life or anything, but to me you are doing something which a ‘good’ friend will never do. Do you like him? Just tell me the truth.”–I mean, everything’s possible right? She’s being especially close with him, maybe she developed a special feeling for him. If so, then I can’t blame her. But she went from an “oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to” to TRIGGERED!!! XDXDXD She said to me “Oh you think I like him?? Fine!! Believe ANYTHING you want!! You won’t believe in me anyway!!” I decided to stay calm and apologize to her. But her snotty reply and very ignorant ‘ok’ reply had my blood boiling. Why am I the one apologizing?? She should know that she’s breaking my heart by ‘betraying’ me! And afterwards, she didn’t even lessen her stickiness and urgh== One time, a friend of mine got very mad, she just blindly started yelling “OMG!! SUCH A B—-!! THIRD PERSON!!! SO ANNOYING!!” and all other mean things. I was also mad, and to be honest, I felt a bit of a relief when she yelled those, but I also thought it was wrong. So I immediately stopped my raging friend XD and asked her to calm down. Also, that boy I’m crushing on?== Urgh, he’s a dense lil’ rock== That’s all I can say about him XDXD What should I do?? I’m completely lost at this point to be honest XDXD And my best guess for your potential solution is to retalk with Vanessa, rediscuss, and come up with a satisfying, mutual agreement. I’d say that’ll be perfect–except I don’t think I can put myself through a rampaging beast again XD It was a pretty toxic week after that ==” She treated me like a two-faced=_= So, what do you think? Any feedback or critiques?? I’d gladly receive anything I can improve from my side. Thank you!! :))

Hi AudreyKimberly146 –

So you’re right, my general inclination would be to try to talk things out with Vanessa.  But on the other hand, that’s exactly what you already tried!  And she turned on you for it.

It reminds me of my neighbor Sophie.  She’s a Spaniel, and although we’ve always barked at each other across our fence, I’d always hoped we could play together.  One day her human Suzie brought her over so we could try it.  I was all happy to jump in, but Sophie turned on me and started a fight, biting and growling and all.  Now I’m a good fighter anyway, but I’m also a lot taller than Sophie, so it was easy for me to use my long legs and roll her over onto her back, and put my very long mouth over her throat, so any move she made could hurt or even kill her.  But I didn’t want to hurt her; I just wanted her to stop fighting.  Sure enough, she got the idea, and stopped.  So I let go of her and stepped back, ready for fun… and she started right in on me again, biting, yowling, trying to beat me up.  Idiot!  So I rolled her over, mouth on throat again, she stopped again, I stepped back again, and she started all over again!  Finally, Suzie gave up and took her back home, and we never tried to play again.  It was really sad.

And it seems to me Vanessa’s being a Sophie here.  She did something mean to you, you tried to work it out, so she got mean at you again.  I’m all for you trying again with her, but there has to be a point sometime when you just give up.

I’ll admit, I’m also thinking something else here.  I’ve seen this a number of times, where one friend admits their interest in someone, and the other friend starts going after that person.  Not so much out of attraction as for desire to be the more powerful one in the friendship.  And I’m thinking that might be what’s up with Vanessa.

So what I really want is for you to feel good about yourself.  It does sound like you’re over the guy, which is great, since that just seemed to be going nowhere.  But now the best thing is for you to be so cool with yourself that Vanessa feels no power over you at all.  Because then, maybe, unlike Sophie, she’ll come back to you with her paw out, ready to give you a little lick on your nose, and play nice.

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 What to do if you feel guilty about naked online pictures

Zelmari asks: So, one of my friends went on Omegle because she saw it on a YouTube Video. She chatted with lots of people, and played Omegle games. She got naked. She didn’t show her face but she feels guilty and she feels like she is going to hell, because she is a heavy Christian. She feels dirty and like a slut. I don’t know how to help her…

Hi Zelmari –

Thank you for writing me – months ago!  I can’t stand the fact that you trusted me, I was eager to help, but this stupid computer bug messed everything up!

I don’t know if there’s a way for your friend to get her footage removed from any sites, but she certainly can try.

But when it comes to her religious fears, I think she just needs to talk about them with someone in her church – a priest or minister.  She doesn’t need to fear their judgment.   They hear worse things than this every day, I promise you!

The important part here is that she learns her lesson – the internet is a wonderful thing, but it can be used in awful ways, and it’s really vital for everyone to understand this and protect themselves.  I assume she’ll be a lot more careful in the future, and that’s a good thing.

But I do feel horribly for her, for all the shame she must feel about this.  It’s unfair, and awful.

You’re a very good friend to try to help.  Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why Educational Toys Are Important For Kids?

Akhil003 asks: Why Educational Toys Are Important For Kids?

Hi Akhil003 –

Hmmm… Why are educational toys important for kids?   I’d say it’s the same reason educational toys are important for dogs.

What?  You don’t know about educational toys for dogs?  How about every squeaky toy you’ve ever seen, which teach dogs not to bite people’s ankles instead?  What about rope toys, which teach dogs to strengthen our mouths and compete in fun ways?

Dogs learn through playing.  And so do children.  That’s why kids are programmed to play – because it’s the best way for them to learn.  They learn social skills on playgrounds, they learn fairness in sports, and they learn an infinite number of things with toys.

An adult will learn a lot from reading – as you’re doing right here.  But children, even once they learn to read, usually learn best through activity.

So kids will learn from pretty much every toy they play with.  And why not, then, have some of those toys actually be intended to teach them worthwhile things (as well as a toy’s most important job – to be fun!)?

Thanks!
Shirelle

0 How to get people to give you more alone time

southpole4 asks: For my past well life I have gone through so many terrible things, I was bullied, skinny, weak, and someone I loved passed away last year. It has been really hard. I enjoy being alone and having my own privacy, my brother doesn’t understand that (he’s my twin) he enjoys being with someone at all time, and ya, sometimes we need company but I like to just be alone. Also my parents don’t understand that connecting with my friends is through social media, they have me logged in into their iPad and whenever my friends say a bad word on a group chat my parents say that they’re going to take away my phone….. I just want my own space to think and be who I am. I don’t know what to do any more.

Hi southpole4 –

I hope things have improved since you wrote me, but I know that your general question, about needing space and time to be alone, is one that goes on and on.

I really can’t explain to you why other people have such trouble understanding this. Now I’ve been guilty of it myself – especially as a puppy, I liked jumping on everyone and trying to play with them, with no awareness that sometimes they just wanted to be let be. But as I’ve grown older, I often feel that way myself. You’ve probably heard the old line “Let sleeping dogs lie.” That’s because people always want to come wake us up or pet us or play with us or whatever. And honestly, a lot of the time, I’m happy to wake up to a friend. But other times, I’m just happy dreaming about chasing dinosaurs, and want to remain that way.

It’s got to be especially tough when you have a twin who loves socializing as much as you love solitude. I’m sure it makes it even harder to convince people that nothing’s wrong with you when you go into your room and shut the door.

The best you can do, I’m afraid, is to Continue reading

0 How to help your spouse when their family has drama

percy asks: It’s been about 23 years since my sister-in-law filed court legal action against her two sisters due to a house sharing financial issue. During those hardship passing years, my disowned sis in-law only contacted me in which I pleaded with her to contact her family, which she refused to do so. When my wife tried to speak to her on the phone, sis in-law hanged up immediately. I had enough and told her not to call us anymore. Now, recently my sis in-law made contact with her mother. Fine, but… she refuse to apologize to her sisters. My wife wants to invite her to our family Xmas gathering as a let bygones be bygones or forgive and forget, which I believe is a big mistake. Her sisters are full of hate toward her. One of her sisters got a divorce because of that issue. It could turn nasty and could end up deadly. Those stories about family member killing family member at holiday gatherings.

Hi percy –

This is a tough one. While you are your wife’s husband, you’re still not a member of the original family. And they’re going to need to work out their stuff as they see best. And it will almost certainly involve some drama – you’re right!

On the other hand, this might be the only chance for these women to move on from the awful events of their past. Especially the sister who got the divorce, she probably needs a chance to speak her mind to her sister!

So as far as any advice I can give, I’d say to do what I’d do, or any other Continue reading

0 How to share with friends

Bree asks: My best friend and I had a fight about slime because I brought some today and she wanted it and I accidentally made a deal with her and now we’re just arguing and I want to make peace with her. What should I do???

Hi Bree –

I might be a little confused, but it sounds like you’ve already figured out how to make peace with her. You made a deal. And so all you need to do now, as far as I can see, is to keep it. Do what you said you’d do.

And if that means letting her have some of the slime, then I’d say to go ahead. She’s your best friend after all. And there’s always more slime.

Which is great news for me, as a dog who just loves to roll in slimy things!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 How to tell your parents you have an eating disorder

AG.Softball asks: So I’m now in 8th grade and I don’t know how to tell my parents I had an eating disorder and I’m scared it may start back. It started in 6th grade and continued until 7th grade. I was very unhappy about myself because I have hips and I don’t have a thigh gap (I still am very insecure) I was finally able to stop because I started feeling sick, having panic attacks and always having chest pains. It took me the whole summer of 2016. I hate my birthday because it’s always about my sisters or my parents fight EVERY YEAR. This year I’m already starting to have panic attacks again and I’m scared I might start not eating again or start throwing up any food that I eat. My parents say I’m the perfect child that they can always depend on and never have to worry about me. I don’t want to disappoint them. How do I tell my parents or get help? Thanks!

Hi AG.Softball –

As you clearly know, eating disorders are a huge issue with young people today. They can cause misery, illness, and even lifelong health problems or death. I’m very happy you’re asking about this, and not keeping it a total secret.

One of the most common traits of people with eating disorders is a sense of perfectionism. That you need to live up to an idealized view that some people have of you.

So let me talk to you about me. I bark loudly and annoy neighbors. I shed everywhere. I poop in public. Sometimes I throw up on my human’s bedsheets. I jump on people who don’t like dogs.

Does that sound like I’m perfect? No? Well I can tell you, my human Handsome thinks I am! He says so every day.

You see, he thinks I’m perfect because I’m Continue reading

0 How to help someone lose weight without upsetting them

MattTheBull asks: I have been with my lady for over 5 years now. I love her more than anything but I have lost attraction to her almost completely. She doesn’t make an effort in looking nice anymore, and has gained about 80-90lbs and does not make enough effort to lose it or stop gaining weight. I have sat down and spoken to her many times about it now but it is not hitting home. I’m in good shape and exercise a lot, I try to encourage her to join me but it’s not working. She would rather lay on the sofa and do nothing or if she does join in its only for 10 minutes and then she gives in. We also have a 4 year old daughter and I don’t want her being a bad influence to her. My lady now weighs in at about 230lbs. Please help me, I’m at wits end now.

Hi MattTheBull –

This is a really tough situation, and one that requires the kind of delicate footsteps I see in the squirrels running away from me over the tops of chainlink fences. One wrong step, and all your efforts collapse.

Your lady sounds to me like she’s suffering Depression. And she’s likely feeling depressed for three reasons: First, she’s exhausted (as any parent of a four-year-old tends to be). Second, she can feel that she’s not attractive to you anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. And third, because she has gained all that weight!

Now it’s very easy for you or me to say “Well here’s how to cheer yourself up – get out and get some exercise, eat better, lose that weight, and watch your man go as crazy for the sight of you as he was before!” After all, the reason I’ve never had a weight problem is because there’s nothing I enjoy more than running around in nature, burning off every bit of energy I can. (Okay, there is another reason, that Handsome feeds me healthy food and keeps it limited, but I don’t like him to be reminded that that does any good, in my hopes that he starts giving me three pizzas a day instead!)

The problem is that that will never work. She’ll hear it all as complaints about her weight, which make her feel bad about herself, which will lead her to feel even more hopeless and undesirable, and spend even more time on the couch.

So your job is to Continue reading