Category Archives for "Kids"

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is angry at you for not answering a call or text

Deadshot asks: I didn’t pick up my girl’s call. She doesn’t wonna talk to me now. What do I do?

Hi Deadshot –

I realize it might be too late for my answer.  But if it’s not, my answer is…

Give her a little time.

She wants space?  Give it to her.

And one of two things will happen.

First, she might feel “Deadshot has suffered enough, and will answer my call next time, so all’s okay,” and be great with you again.

Or, second, she might keep arguing that you’ve done something horrible.

Now let’s look at this a second.  You didn’t answer your phone when she called?  Why is that such a big deal?  Maybe you were talking to someone, and it would have been rude for you to interrupt them to take the call.  Maybe you were asleep.  Maybe you were busy!

It’s great that she wants your attention, but you’re still a human being.  Hey, even I don’t always come when Handsome calls me, and I’m a dog!  You’ve got the same right everyone else has, to not be at her “beck and call” 24/7.

So if she’s annoyed and feels unappreciated for a few hours, or days, okay.  But if she takes it further, I’d suggest you find another girl, who appreciates you as you are.

And when this last one calls – maybe, just don’t take the call again, ever!

Just my opinion!

Shirelle

0 How to help someone who won’t talk about their problems

Danish asks: Why is it we don’t talk about our problems with each other? The girl whom I love, sometimes I feel that she is in some kind of problem, but she is not sharing it with me because of whatever reason. But sometimes when I’ve asked her again and again she’ll share. She is that type of girl who keeps most of her emotions inside. I want to make her feel light by sharing her problems with me. I want to make her feel that I am there for her in her bad times. So what should I do?

Hi Danish –

This is one of those areas where we dogs have a great advantage over you people.  See, when we feel someone’s sad, we can just walk up and lay our head on their lap, and they’ll feel so seen and felt, and hug us and get all their emotions out.

But because you guys are so verbal with each other, you can show this girl the same empathy I do, but she’s suddenly feeling pressured – she has to tell you what’s going on!  And for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to do that just now.

So what can you do?

Well, I’ll suggest you do what I’ve heard my human Handsome talk about with other therapists, which is “Meet the Person Where They Are.”  If she doesn’t want to tell you what she feels bad about, or even admit that she does, let her have that right.

It’s great that you asked her about her feelings, but if she says she’s fine, then act as if she is.  But stay there, be with her, talk with her about other things – all to get her comfortable.  What you want is for her to trust you so much, to feel so good with you, that she finds herself starting to open up about whatever’s going on.

So in other words, you show up and see the sadness in her face.  You ask if something’s wrong.  She says no.  You smile, say okay, and you two go out to watch a football game.  You talk with her about your week, you tell her some sad things that have happened to you or your friends, you get her to laugh, you ask her about other stuff that isn’t so sad… and then over dinner, you ask “So what else has been going on in your world?”  And she suddenly blurts out, “My boss said she might fire me!” or “My mom called me a loser!” or “My best friend is sick and I’m scared it’s serious!”

You see what you did?  You respected her wishes by not asking more about what was wrong.  You talked about everything else.  But doing that got her comfortable enough to tell you what’s up.

Now then, of course there’s the other scenario.  Which is that actually she was feeling okay, she just had that look on her face because she’d been trying to figure out a crossword puzzle!  And your day is still wonderful, and she appreciates your kindness and fun.

But either way, it comes from you treating her with respect.  Meeting her where she is.  And allowing her to not feel pressured by you at all.

And if you can do that…  you just might find she starts loving you the way you love her really soon!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you feel bad

Sazuna6 asks: What do you do when you’re upset? What helps you the most when you’re feeling down?

Hi Sazuna6!

Well when it comes to this, I’m pretty much like any other dog.  I mope around, get listless.  I might howl or whine.  But mainly what you’d notice would be my lack of energy.  I’m normally full of excitement and eager to see what’s around the next corner.  If I’m feeling down, nothing seems all that interesting.  So why bother.

But you humans have other ways to deal with the blues.  Many which I think are great.  Like listening to sad music, or watching sad movies – just so you don’t feel so alone in your misery!

Some people also use substances to help.  Like drinking alcohol, or smoking cigarettes (yucch!), or what makes more sense to me – overeating what they call “comfort food.”  That’s fine, if you do it just a little.  If you do any of them a lot, they’ll mess your life up – often by making what was wrong worse!  Like, let’s say you feel bad because you’ve been messing up at school or work.  And then you start doing something that makes you more tired and groggy during the day – well you’re just going to do even worse at what you were bad at.  Or if you feel unattractive, putting on weight from lots of macaroni and cheese isn’t going to make you happier with what you see in the mirror!

But, again, if it’s in moderation (and I do suggest sticking with what’s legal in your community!!!), a little of that isn’t such a bad thing.

But the best thing you can do, by far, is what I do.  Go to Continue reading

0 Nothing to Sneeze At … all sorts of allergies

Nothing to Sneeze at … all sorts of allergies

Have you ever taken Antihistamines?

See, I’ve been thinking about Histamines lately.  We all know Antihistamines, but their job is to fight Histamines – a natural compound, released by the body to increase inflammation so tissues will bring in defensive substances  (mucous, white blood cells) when it feels attacked.  (Can you believe  a dog came up with that line!  Sometimes I even impress myself!)

Histamines are very useful when poisoned.  And very annoying when dealing with allergies.

I’m lucky.  I have never suffered any allergies.  But my human friend Handsome was a sensitive child: nervous, a worrier, and got sick often too.  Nothing huge or chronic, he just caught everything that went around.  And each time, what he’d feel was Histamines.  Like millions of microscopic mosquitoes, flying around inside him, stinging him constantly!

And I knew a dog who got awful allergies, to fleas!  He was bitten so many times, and scratched so much, that his immune system went haywire and he lost his fur and a bunch of weight… and eventually his life!  A wonderful dog, too, it was a horrible horrible thing to watch.

So it made sense for Handsome to take Antihistamines: drugs that blocked the production of Histamine in his body.  Working against his body’s incorrect actions.  But perhaps against his body’s defenses when they were right as well?  Maybe, but it did enable him to survive his childhood!  (They tried giving that dog some too, but I think it was just too late)

Now as we know, many of us have physical allergies.  But I think all  of us have emotional ones.  Oversensitivities, fears, based on deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and others and the world.

My biggest emotional allergy is to water coming down onto me!  I have no trouble jumping into a creek or the ocean, but I hate rain, sprinklers, and especially getting bathed.  Oh what I’ve put Handsome through, jumping out of tubs, shaking water all over him all the time!  The trick he eventually learned was to use a big cup, and slowly pour water over me while holding the back of my neck.  I still hate it, but that makes it tolerable.

Some of us wear our emotional allergies with pride – dogs who snap at anyone who reminds them of an abuser, “Hey you’re a tall man with long hair!  I’m gonna bite you before you kick me!”  Or people who gleefully reject romantic advances, “I know what you’re about!  You just want to hurt me!  I’ll never speak to you again, now that you just asked for my phone number!!”

While others find emotional Antihistamine.  Some adults drink when they go to parties, so they can be social.  Maybe you need to overeat when you do poorly on a test.  I haven’t found the way to avoid the feelings of water, but I sure know what to do afterward to get rid of the feeling: I shake it all onto Handsome and then run like crazy around the yard!

So is there a solution?  A motivational speaker might say that the key is to just walk through the allergies, suffer all the Histamines, to get strong and make it to the other side of them.  Right?

Wrong.

Let me tell you, I’ve had years of water coming down onto me, and I’ll never like it.  And I’ve seen sneezing fits in others – they don’ t end, and there’s no other side to it.

So does that mean we should just avoid anything that feels uncomfortable?  Or numb ourselves constantly?

It’s a hard one, isn’t it!  Just this week I met a woman, very interesting, funny, passionate, who said that she never wanted to see another play as long as she lived.  She found them all torture.

Now I don’t know what caused this in her, but I know there are all kinds of plays – dramas, classics, comedies, thrillers, musicals – and it’s crazy to think a human, with a human brain, would reject them all.  (Now let me be clear – I’ve never seen Cats and there’s no way I ever would sit through that filth.  But for a person to never experience My Fair Lady?!  What’s the point of having that great brain then?!)

Fundamentally it all comes down to one question.  Is it possible for anyone to live at such a state of awareness that their Histamines – physical and  emotional – only release when they really need to?

I don’t know.  If so, I’m not there yet.  And my friend Handsome definitely isn’t.

From all I can see, he’ll remain the same dorky man I’ve always loved – scratching, coughing, sneezing…  just as when he was that sensitive child, and for as long as his imperfect two-legged furless body carries him.

And calling me in that very friendly tone… to have a dreaded bath!

0 How to mentally prepare for a marathon.

Cupcake11 asks: How to prepare yourself mentally for a marathon?

Hi Cupcake 11 –

As a general rule, we pups are sprinters, not long-distance runners.  Yes you might have read, or seen the movie, of Lassie Come Home, where an amazing dog travels countless miles to get to her home, but that’s not our usual story.  And she was walking!

So I need to consider what it would be like to run a marathon, and base it on the more difficult journeys of my life – like hospitalizations or training classes.

Of course, with a marathon, or Lassie’s journey, the most important issue is your physical strength.  Training has to focus on getting your knees and ankles and hamstrings and calves and toes and hips and everything else in you to be so strong they can handle an insanely long journey.

When it comes to the mental side of that training, I would say your big job is to focus your training on the fun side of it (how great it’ll feel to accomplish, and the joyous high one gets from continued exercise) instead of just avoiding failure and pain.  Either mindset will encourage you to train, but one sounds a lot more enjoyable, and makes the training a fun activity instead of a grueling assignment.

But besides the simple physical training, you’re absolutely right, there’s a mental training that’s also necessary, just to get through the long time that a marathon takes.  How do you keep from getting bored?  How do you keep from deciding you have other things to do?  I have no doubt that the easiest way to manage that is to train with others – whether one or two good friends or a big group.  First, being with them will keep you from thinking “No one can do this, I’m gonna quit,” but also they’ll give you someone to share the experience with, “I couldn’t believe it when we’d been sweltering in that heat and suddenly we got flooded with rain!”  And hopefully to have fun talking about, even bragging about, all you’ve done.

And third, I would say to Continue reading

0 Is it best to be strong or not?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle what do you think about strong people? Not masculine but strong as a person, who handles problems by themselves. I consider myself one of them. I tend to solve everything by myself, endure pain, adapt and fight. But I heard this quote, strong people will have a lot of damage when they fall or somewhat give up. Or does that depend on the person himself?

Hi PERFECTION –

Of course I want you as strong as you can be.  You’re a terrific person, I know from your letters, so the more you’re able to act on your values, the better the world will be (and the happier you will be).

And I suppose it’s true that the stronger a person is, the more others depend on them, so the more loss there is when they fail or lose heart.   But that’s no reason for them not to be out there doing their best.  Think of that super-hero rule, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Okay, so take the responsibility and do some wonders!

After all, the “damage” that’s done, by their failing to do something good, is just that things go back to the way they’d be if that person had never done anything at all.

Just to pick three examples, Socrates, Jesus, and Gandhi all were enormously strong personalities, who were killed because of their strength.  And that meant that they weren’t able to do what they’d been doing before anymore.  But what they had done has affected the world enormously ever since.  (And of course, for those who believe, at least the second of those has been even more powerful since that death!).

And if you’re thinking, “Hey, I don’t mean THAT strong!  I mean, I’m nowhere near as great as they were!” then my response is simply… how do you know yet?!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to get your friend to open up about their feelings

inditan asks: I want to ask you about friendships. I have a lot of friends at school (I don’t mean to brag, sorry!), and my social life is pretty much awesome. I have a few best friends that are really close to me. One of them is a girl named S. The problem between us is that she doesn’t talk about her problems often. She’s my only best friend whom I share all my secrets with, she shares hers as well but she doesn’t share her problems with me. And I’m worried that maybe she doesn’t trust me, or maybe it was because something I said to her. I don’t want her to feel alone when dealing with her problems. She’s had anorexia a few years back and that was a serious issue she hasn’t let go of yet. I’m really worried about her Shirelle. what should I do?

Hi inditan –

Okay, there are two issues here.  And I want to get the first one out of the way first.

I am no expert on eating disorders.  As a dog, I’m always looking for food; but because I’m so active, I’ve never had a weight problem.  I frankly don’t even understand them – why would someone starve themselves, or throw up what they’ve eaten? It doesn’t make sense for a pooch.  But I know these disorders exist.  And I urge you, if you are really concerned for your friend, to get her to see a doctor RIGHT away.  Anorexia is unhealthy for anyone, but it can be permanently disabling, or even fatal, if it develops too far.  So please please please, be a great friend and get her okay… if she’s actually suffering from this right now.

All right, second issue.  I see this problem every day!  My human Handsome is a psychotherapist, so he meets with people for his work, and they talk about problems – always their problems.  Never his!  And sometimes, they actually get frustrated about it.  Even though they’re paying him to deal with their problems and not his!

So your frustration at your friend not opening up to you, especially when you’re concerned that she’s keeping a secret that could hurt her, sure makes sense.

And the only suggestion I can make is to Continue reading

0 How to stop worrying so much about things that might go wrong, when all is going right.

PERFECTION asks: There’s a girl I’m talking with, and she seems to like me back, but I’m scared that one day everything will STOP, she’ll stop talking to me, seeing me and the like. I’m scared that if I stop communicating with her she might forget about me. I’m scared that she might even think I’ve lost interest. I’m scared that all of these will end into nothingness.

Hi PERFECTION –

I can relate to your worries, though I also think you’re worrying about nothing.

You see, just about every day, Handsome leaves me at home alone.  He heads off to work or whatever, leaving me locked in the yard.  And I have no guarantee that he’s ever coming back.  My sensible side worries that he might get sick or hurt, and I’ll be stuck here; my less sensible side worries that he’ll forget about me or run off with another dog.

Now is it possible that something could happen to him, and he never comes home?  Sure.  But if that happened, I know that a friend or relative of his would come over and rescue me.  But is it possible that he could forget about me, or purposely leave me behind?  No Way!

But still I worry.  Because I’m vulnerable in the yard.  There’s no way I won’t.

Now, having said that, your letter sounds downright goofy to me.  No one’s suggesting you stop communicating, but you’re worried that if you do, she’ll forget about you.  Okay, then don’t do that!  You’re also worried that she might lose interest in you anyway.  Yeah, that’s always possible.  She might even decide she hates you, or choose some other guy over you.  These things do happen.

So I’m not going to tell you not to worry.  But I will suggest that you try to worry less.  Because it’s not going to help you at all.

When Handsome leaves me at home alone, I get to chase squirrels, nap, sniff around, and bark at everyone passing by.  It’s a good life, as long as I let it be.

Similarly, you’re doing GREAT right now.  In fact, your worries only exist because you’ve got so much good right now, and you’re scared of losing it!

So my advice is to try to train your brain to Continue reading

0 How to have faith, when there’s no other reason to believe

PERFECTION asks: How do you keep the faith, knowing that there’s nothing for you to hold on?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well… to your question about keeping the faith when there’s nothing to hold on to…  that’s the only faith that matters.  Whether it’s faith in a religion or faith in the goodness of people or faith in the future, it’s only faith if you still believe when there’s nothing there to tell you it’s true.  What I think you’re really asking is how to have real faith.

And the only answer I know to that is to trust as far as you can, and then try to trust more.  And if you lose your trust, try again.  And eventually, you’ll find that you’ll look for things to increase your faith when doubt arises.  But then, there may be some areas where your faith is misplaced.

I love to tell the story of the time Handsome put a leash on me and opened the car door, so I excitedly knew he was taking me somewhere… and then slammed the door right on my tail!  I screamed, and he fell onto it, checking out every bone, apologizing with every breath, begging my forgiveness.  It was okay, nothing was broken.  But I learned something very important.  That he’s not perfect.  He didn’t mean to hurt me, but he did.  So ever since, when I get into a car, I turn so that I know my tail’s not in the door.  And he thanks me for it.

You see, my faith, in him being perfect and never making a mistake, was misplaced.  Where my faith belongs, and exists fully, is in his love for me.  That I fully trust.  But I needed to adjust my beliefs.

So have faith as far as you can.  And then, maybe, you’ll need to tweak it just a little.  But then it can be strong again, stronger than ever.

Best of luck!

0 How to build self-esteem when you’re not as attractive as your friends

Tyna asks: Could you talk to me about self-esteem? You talked about dressing well, etc…. Unfortunately, I don’t even feel like I love myself that much. (I tried to harm myself). I always feel like nothing I wear will look good anyway, as I am not that slim. People seem to prefer slim People, which am not. When I am moving around with my friends, it’s them people will notice, and my head goes back to, “Maybe you are ugly or maybe you look fatter than all of them, and therefore are unattractive.” I don’t know what to do Shirelle.

Hi Tyna –

My biggest wish for you is that you realize how normal your feelings are.  MOST people feel inferior a lot, and almost ALL people have trouble about their appearance.  Of course, there are degrees of these things, and if your anxiety is truly overwhelming you, I very much recommend you find a good psychotherapist to help you with it (they are really good at anxiety, and can probably get you feeling at least somewhat better within a few weeks).

Everybody is worse at some things than most people.  Most people aren’t the very best at anything.  This is absolutely fine, and does not cast any bad light on anyone’s worth.  I will never be as fast as a greyhound, as big as a Great Dane, or as smart as Lassie.  Big deal!  I know I’ve got some worth (at least to you – you didn’t write that annoying collie, did you!  You wrote ME!).  And I especially know that I have worth to my dearest friends.  They don’t want a smarter or stronger or prettier dog – they love ME.

So you’re feeling inferior.  Well, look at the two of us.  I can almost certainly run faster than you.  I’m very sure I can bite harder and bigger than you can!  But you can probably talk.  You can probably grab things with your hand.  You probably can do math.  You can probably sing.  Well I can’t do any of those – so who’s the inferior one here?!

But you don’t need me to put down your sense of inferiority – if you liked and respected it, you would never have written that letter to me.  What you want is to move past it.  And the best technique I’ve ever heard for that is to 

master something.  Lots of people never master anything, so they don’t really realize how much they can do!  So is there something that you love?  Do you love music, or art, or building things?  Could you take a class, and learn to play the violin, or make beautiful pots, or rebuild a car engine?  Just the act of doing one of those things will make you feel immensely better about yourself.  And doing it to the degree of mastery?  Oh Tyna, you won’t believe how good you’ll feel about yourself!  Like the day I caught a squirrel and brought it in and dropped it at Handsome’s feet as he was climbing out of the shower!  I felt so great!  (It was funny, his reaction wasn’t exactly what I expected though – something more like, um, terror!).

The other thing I really recommend is to try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down.  When you walk into a room of strangers, do you tell yourself “No one here wants to know me, I’m unwantable?”  Well, that would be a really good thing to talk yourself out of.  How about replacing it with “I don’t know anyone here, but if I’m friendly, probably someone here will like talking with me.”  It’s not huge confidence, but it’s the truth, right?  And your believing that will make you more attractive!  I know that sounds weird, but it’s true!  

So you say slim people are more attractive than you.  Maybe one thing you could master would be losing a little weight?  Sure, maybe you’ll never be as skinny as Taylor Swift, but, again, the better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll look to others.

Speaking of singers, I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of publicity about the great singer Aretha Franklin, who passed away recently.  She battled weight issues her whole life, and was famously deeply shy, but was one of the most sought-after and beloved humans of the last century.  Why? Because she had such mastery over her art, and showed such joy in doing it.

Again, my friend, I’m not going to tell you this is all easy.  But the better you can feel about how you treat yourself (AND PLEASE, WRITE ME BEFORE YOU CONSIDER CUTTING AGAIN!  I have a few questions about that on my website, and desperately want to help you not fall into that behavior ever again!), the better you’ll come off to others, and the more attractive you’ll be.

Great!  Good Luck, and I hope to hear back from you soon,

Shirelle