Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to help a child or teen with trouble concentrating

ethan 23 asks: Our son is ambidextrous, with possible dyslexia, and has real trouble concentrating, I am looking for methods to help him build up his concentration levels at school and in sports.

Hi ethan 23 –

I’m not sure what you’re saying about your son being ambidextrous – that just means he can use both hands equally well, and that’s a great thing (especially to someone like me, who doesn’t have any hands at all!).

But the trouble concentrating is, of course, a real problem.  Now I also have lots of trouble concentrating.  But that’s kind of normal for a dog (Have you seen the movie “Up”?  That dog in that movie is a great depiction of the unfocusedness that all dogs have, at least while they’re still young.).  And so, when I went to Training Class, the teacher did a great job of working with the lack of concentration in all of us.  He had our humans do two things.  Firstly, to carry a can with some rocks or coins in it, so when the dog isn’t focused on you, you can shake it.  It’s far kinder than hitting or scolding the dog, and focuses us just great.  Then secondly, they’d carry a bag of meaty treats in their pockets.  You wouldn’t believe what that does for a puppy’s focus!

And with your son, I’d really suggest trying to do the Continue reading

0 How to get a teenager to open up and be a parent’s best friend

Erika asks: How do I encourage my 13-year-old son to open up to me and consider me as his best friend?

Hi Erika –

What a great question this is!  I assumed I’d already answered it on this website, and I haven’t!  So thanks!

Okay, your question has two parts, and I need to deal with them separately.  First, how can you get your son to open up to you.

What I don’t know is whether he used to open up to you or not.  It’s very normal for kids around 13 years of age to stop being as open with their parents as they used to be.  There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just the normal development of teenagers as they start pulling away from their parental ties, building stronger ties with peers, and putting more effort into self-definition.  In fact, it’s overall a good thing that a kid of that age isn’t too open with his parents.  But of course, you do want him to feel able to talk about anything he wants to discuss with you.

The best way to achieve that is to change the way you Continue reading

0 How can children increase family ties

Emy asks: How can children help keep family ties closer?

Hi Emy –

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you are asking how children can keep their families more connected, or how they can stay more connected to their own families.

If it’s the first, it’s certainly something kids dream of doing a lot.  The popular movie “The Parent Trap” (either version of it) is a very fun version of this fantasy, where two twin girls conspire to get their divorced parents to remarry.  Of course the truth is that just by Continue reading

0 How to get parents to fight less

nikolas asks: I am 14, and I have a perfect life. I am an excellent student and so on. But this is regarding my parents. Sometimes they start fighting, yelling at each other about our current financial problems. I love my mum and dad more than anything in the whole world!! It’s just that I hate it when they’re fighting. Then after an hour or so of that fighting, I become frightened that this either won’t stop, or it will get worse, or that it will go so far that they will divorce. I talked to my parents about the divorce thing and they said, “Don’t be silly, that will never happen, we love each other.” From time to time I can be a little pessimistic about those kinds of things. This sounds a little stupid, but from time to time, after the fights, I ask one parent, “We love (the other parent), don’t we?” And they say, “Yes, why shouldn’t we?” I know that these fights end in due time but it’s just that (ahhhhh here I go all pessimistic again) my mum is mostly frustrated because my dad spends a lot. Recently he spent 30.000 dinars on the maintenance of our car (that’s about 300 euros or 270 GBP). Since we got that car we are in huge debt. I just don’t want these fights to haunt me. Please give me some advice. Thank You

Hi Nikolas –

Okay, first thing – nothing you’re saying sounds stupid, or even pessimistic.  You’re living in a difficult situation that’s affecting you a lot, and that’s simply real.  It sounds pretty clear that neither of your parents is nearly as bothered by the intensity of their arguing as you are.  That may be just because they’re used to it – some couples even like arguing a lot, they feel it keeps their relationship fresh!  But I can tell you that I’m like you: I hate it when Handsome gets upset about anything.  It makes me feel insecure about our home, and very worried that he might get equally mad at me!

I’ve already written on here about how to deal with parents who fight (see Gingko’s question about it), but it certainly sounds like you’re in no physical danger.  You’re really dealing with two big issues, and I have thoughts on both of them.

First, yes, they’re fighting, and they don’t see anything wrong with it.  That’s actually a little unfair to you.  If I bark at the neighbor’s dog all day, and the other neighbors get bothered, they call Continue reading

2 How to break up as well as possible.

lexie jayne asks: I have a boyfriend who really cares for me, but recently I discovered that I don’t have any feelings for him anymore! I really want to break up with him, but I don’t want to break his heart because he’s such a good guy. But again, I really don’t have feelings for him now. Please help me out.

Hi Lexie Jayne –

I hate breakups.  I’ve never really had one, but I’ve suffered from them, whenever Handsome’s had any.  And he hates them – whether they’re his idea or hers.  Both feel really bad.  But that’s just one of those things almost all humans go through, and so the best thing to do is to get it over with as kindly and as easily as possible.  Here are some suggestions:

1)    Although you might want to be extra-nice to him before it, that can backfire.  Handsome once did that, so as to make a woman feel how much he truly cared about her, and instead she felt that he’d set her up and Continue reading

0 Should teenagers have jobs while in school?

Adnan asks: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Can you please tell me if you think this is a good idea?

Hi Adnan –

Great question.  Although I have to admit, I don’t know what countries don’t have teenagers who work while being students.  I think it’s a great idea, and have nothing against it.  With a couple of exceptions.

Firstly, I’m a big believer in education.  And it’s impossible for a teenager, or anyone else, to carry a full high-school or college courseload and do a fulltime job. Something has to give.  So if it’s financially possible, I’m all for having the education be the full-time commitment, and the job be part-time.  But if it’s absolutely necessary that the kid work full-time, then I’d want the education to be spread-out.  In other words, maybe they could cut their class-load in half, and just take two years to do what other students do in one.  It does no good for a kid to do a full courseload and only devote half the time they need to each of their classes.  Better to put all the work you need into history this year, and into algebra next year, for example.

Secondly, most of us live in a very fortunate time, when child labor has been outlawed.  But it still exists in some parts of the world.  Children can be enslaved, forced to do backbreaking work for little or no pay, because they have no power to fight back the way adults would.  This is morally wrong, and I’m completely against that.  So when you ask about “teenagers having jobs,” and I say I’m all for it, I mean jobs like helping out on the family farm, flipping burgers and waiting tables (that’s the job I’d like best!), counseling in camps or teaching sports, office or store jobs – something that is appropriate for their age.  And I especially want their parents to check the job out, and make very sure their kid is being treated fairly.  Otherwise, it’s exploitation – a big word for taking advantage of the weak.

Having a job can build self-esteem, and teach all sorts of great values to a teenager.  I just want to make sure we’re talking about that sort of job!

Great question, thanks!

Shirelle

1 What to do if you lose both your parents

lexie jayne asks: I am a teenager who lost my parents 2 years back. I always feel that I am so left out, and I get depressed easily. Can you please help me?

Oh Lexie Jayne, I am so very very sorry!  People are programmed to believe that their parents will be around forever, at least until they grow into adulthood.  And to lose even one parent is just devastating for any teenager, but to lose both… I’m just so sorry.  If I could, I’d lay my head in your lap and look straight up into your eyes and let you know that I understand.  After all, I haven’t seen either of my parents since I was a very very young puppy, just weeks old.  But I know that your pain is far worse than mine.

Now let me say one thing here, about your question.  All teenagers often feel left out, and get depressed.  Even if it doesn’t look that way when you see them at school or around town.  I mean it, all of them do.  It’s just that you have a far better Continue reading

0 How to get my child to not be scared to go to school

missue asks: I have a 6-year-old kid. He had this weird habit of crying in school when he was in kindergarten, but I thought he would get used to school when he was in grade one. But then things got worse than ever! Now he doesn’t want to go to school at all! What should I do? I’ve tried everything to convince him to go but still I can’t.

Hi Missue –

I relate completely to your kid.  Any time Handsome drops me off anywhere, I don’t like it.  I don’t mind any of the places he takes me, but I hate being left by him.  I’m always afraid I’m going back to the pound where he first found me, and that’s really scary!

But you’re right to be concerned.  People usually get over what’s called Separation Anxiety by your son’s age.  Although, you’d be surprised at how normal it is, even at this point.

If your son is able to express what scares him, the best thing is to get him to Continue reading

1 How to tell your parents you’ve been keeping something from them

Chocolate Bar asks: How can I have a conversation with my parents about the fact that I’ve been dating? And convince them that they can trust me to make the right choices?

Hi Chocolate Bar –

If I’m reading your question right, you have a specific problem, that goes beyond how to talk to your parents about dating.  I have a bunch of other posts on the website that tell about how parents and teens can talk about dating… but it sounds like you’ve been doing it behind their back.  And now you want to know how to earn their trust.  Now that could get pretty difficult!

You know that story about the puppet whose nose grows even longer than mine, every time he lies?  That’s because that’s exactly what a Continue reading

0 How should teenagers deal with “inappropriate” websites?

moonfur asks: My best friend isn’t allowed to talk to me anymore because I found an inappropriate website and told her about it, and then continued to go on it, and her mum found out about it — so my bff was forced to say that I showed it to her. We are like sisters! How do I survive this?

Hi moonfur –

Wow, thanks for asking such an open question.

What hits me the most about it is one word:  “inappropriate.”  I want you to think a minute about what that word means, because everything I say will be about that.

“Inappropriate” is a word that people use very freely, and often… well… inappropriately!  It means something that’s not suitable for a particular occasion:  It’s appropriate to yell out “Goooooooooal!” at a World Cup match, but not at a church service.  It’s appropriate to laugh loudly when a movie comedian falls down, but not when your teacher does.  It’s appropriate for…  well, you get the idea.  But I hear lots of people say something’s “inappropriate” simply because they don’t like it!  “It’s inappropriate for you to point out that I was lying,” for example.

So, given that, what makes the website you saw “inappropriate?”  Was it something only Continue reading