lexie jayne asks: I have a boyfriend who really cares for me, but recently I discovered that I don’t have any feelings for him anymore! I really want to break up with him, but I don’t want to break his heart because he’s such a good guy. But again, I really don’t have feelings for him now. Please help me out.
Hi Lexie Jayne –
I hate breakups. I’ve never really had one, but I’ve suffered from them, whenever Handsome’s had any. And he hates them – whether they’re his idea or hers. Both feel really bad. But that’s just one of those things almost all humans go through, and so the best thing to do is to get it over with as kindly and as easily as possible. Here are some suggestions:
1) Although you might want to be extra-nice to him before it, that can backfire. Handsome once did that, so as to make a woman feel how much he truly cared about her, and instead she felt that he’d set her up and boosted her confidence just to hurt her more! Best to be really honest and straightforward throughout. Especially because he probably feels your lack of feeling already.
2) On the other hand, some people try to create conflict, to give themselves a better “excuse” for the breakup. That’s even worse. He hasn’t done anything wrong, you’ve just lost feelings for him. He won’t like hearing this, but there’s no reason to make it worse, or to pretend it’s his fault.
3) Some people try to stay friends after a breakup and some don’t. I’ve seen it work and fail, so I won’t tell you what to do. But if one of you wants to stay friends and the other doesn’t, it probably won’t work. So I’d check to find out what each of you wants. And if you do both want to stay friends, that’s great. But even then, I’d suggest agreeing on a little while when you don’t have any contact. Maybe even just a week or two. Just enough so that you can both get used to life without each other.
4) He’ll probably want to know the “reasons” that you’re breaking up. Boys especially tend to ruminate on what they did right and wrong, and try to figure out what they can do (or could have done) to fix it. So be very careful with what you tell him. It can be incredibly kind and loving to tell him things that will help him in future relationships. And who knows, maybe those are things he’ll improve in himself that could bring you two back together sometime in the future! But if you give him a list of a hundred of his faults, he’s just going to feel unlovable and lousy; and if you don’t tell him anything, he’s going to feel that you’re wrong to break up with him. So try to tell him just a very few things that he can actually improve.
5) And last but not least, Be Kind. Don’t denigrate your relationship by breaking up with him in a text or an email. Meet with him. Tell him what was great about what you two had. And if he’ll let you, kiss him goodbye. The message you want to give is completely positive: We Both Can and Should Have Better Relationships Than This! Let him walk away proud and glad about what you shared. He’ll have lots of other time to miss you and regret it not working out!
Again, Lexie Jayne, there’s nothing fun about a breakup. But it can be fun to have a few exes around who really like you. Maybe someday you two can meet up and improve the relationships you’re in then! Because each of you knows what it’s like to date the other one. And that’s a rare and special thing!
BEST of luck!