Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to free yourself from negative thinking

geeky asks: How can I come up with negative thinking?

Hi geeky –

I might be confused here.  You ask “how can I come up with negative thinking?”  Well I have lots of answers, but… why in the world would you want to come up with it?!

Negative thinking means a frame of mind that’s always coming from a pessimistic, cynical, hopeless place.  The best illustration of it I know is an old joke:

Two parents are suffering with raising their two sons.  One is an eternal optimist, and one an endless pessimist.  They want to teach their optimist son to be more practical and less trusting, and their pessimist son that things aren’t always bad.  So for Christmas, they give the pessimist a room full of toys, and give the optimist a room full of Continue reading

0 How to get a relationship going between two people who are both scared of it

Mandhie asks: I am interested in a boy. He is a very good student and was the head boy when we were in middle school; so everybody expects something good from him and in order to release the stress, he has nothing to do than to retreat. (When I asked you about him before, you commented, “he retreats from one thing that brings out all these reactions and confusions and feelings.” Sorry but I don’t understand. Could you explain that part to me?) Right now, I feel the stage at which we are is not good for dating, but although I don’t know why, I am feeling kinda in a hurry to have a boyfriend. I am 15, and he will turn 16 this November. He is the kind of guy who expects he will have a girlfriend when he is maybe in his 20s. He would like to date only one girl so that no girl would have a bad impression about him, and he can be special only to her. And Shirelle, I want to be that girl he will hold her hand for the first time. This stage isn’t the best to date, so I’m waiting. I know he likes me, even though so many other girls like him. So we are just trying to ignore each other and be just friends although we wish to be together. I remember one day, his mum came to visit my mum and called me “daughter in-law.” Shirelle, my heart jumped out when she said that! His brothers also like to tease us as future husband and wife. All these beautiful things happen, but it seems we can’t be together since we both can’t express our feelings. At times, I wish he had never come into being, because I think about him all the time and it is not helping me! Please help Shirelle, I’m just thinking about something I feel will never happen.

Hi Mandhie –

Okay, let’s get this out at the start:  This is SUCH a romantic letter!!!  I’m just swooning!

Now, about what I meant about “the one thing that brings out all these reactions and confusions and feelings…” I mean YOU!  Just as you feel lots of feelings toward him that you express in this letter, he feels probably even more toward you – and all of them make him feel pressure.  Pressure to talk to you, pressure to be cool and avoid you, pressure to run away from you in case you’d be mean to him, pressure to run away from you in case you’d be super-nice to him!, pressure to figure things out, pressure to touch you… ALL those at once, and it’s just too much for one brain to handle!  Have you seen “Pacific Rim?”  It’s like there, when the people get hooked up and suddenly their brain has to take in too much and their noses start to bleed from the pressure!  That’s this guy!  (And it’s very likely a total compliment to you!).

Now when it comes to your question about yourself, I’d give the same Continue reading

0 Why do teenagers get depressed

salvatore asks: I am a teen. I have been facing anxiety problems for a couple of weeks. I have lost my confidence and self esteem – moreover I feel depressed. I am a topper and I was really good in studies, but now I have lost my concentration. I can’t tell this to my mother or anyone else. Can you please solve my problem of depression?

Hi Salvatore –

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I do need to ask you one question, but I’m going to then give some suggestions assuming I know what you answered – even though I don’t!  So if I’m wrong, please write me back and I can give you some other suggestions.

Here’s my question: Do you have any idea what started this depression?  Was there a single event – someone rejected you, you did badly at something, you lost a friend or relative or pet?

If there was a clear “moment” that got all this going, please let me know.  But I’m going to assume you answered “I have no Continue reading

0 How a parent should deal with their teenagers’ peer relationships

tefexu asks: How should I treat my young daughter (15) as to her relationships with her peer groups?

Hi tefexu –

My general answer to you is similar to what I’d say to a vanquished army after a war, if they asked me how they should treat the winners: be nice and try to get along, but hold to some boundaries.

Starting around age 8, human children begin to move away from being completely focused on their parents, and get more interested in their peers.  By age 13 or so, the peers actually become more important in their minds than their parents or other authority figures.

Now don’t get too frightened.  I’m not saying that the peers have more Continue reading

0 What to do if a teen hits a parent

achhu asks: My 13-year-old daughter is sharp-minded but very lazy in all her routines. She always obeys me but not her mother. Sometimes she also shows violence to her mother. She has a 7-year-old brother as well. Working father and housewife mother, happy middle class family. Whenever I advise her, she admits guilt and promises not to repeat. But after a short interval the problem starts again. What shall we do?

Hi achhu –

Any dog owner will tell you that the toughest time with a pet dog is the first year.  Puppies are rebellious, destructive, stubborn, needy, and have no real empathy for anyone else.  (That’s why we’re so incredibly cute at that age; if we weren’t, no one would put up with us!)

Humans go through something like that at age two, when they’re about as cute as puppies.  But then they go through a similar phase about 10-15 years later.  And it’s not nearly as adorable for the parents.  It’s called Adolescence, and most parents find it the most trying time they ever have with their kids (and get insanely nostalgic for those first couple of years, when the kids cried all day and screamed all night, but somehow seemed sweeter!).

That’s what you’re dealing with, achhu.  Your daughter is right on schedule.  And it’s completely normal for her to be especially mean to her Continue reading

0 What to do when someone who likes you shies away from you

curiouscutie asks: I’m in grade 10. I met this nice boy in grade 3, and we became good friends (and family friends too) but we never talked in school. Then when we had to leave our elementary school for high school he left to India, but soon came back (but we weren’t in the same classes anymore). Once in 7th grade he came to my class, with some friends, for something. There was a seat empty behind mine, so he sat there with his friends and started talking to me. He was just casually talking to me, but his friends and my friends started teasing us that we liked each other. Soon there were rumors in school that I liked him. Suddenly, he stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t say hi nor would reply to my hi. If he passed me he would ignore me as if I wasn’t there, as if I was invisible. When I joined Facebook I tried to add him but he blocked me. He was behaving very oddly. I thought he believed in the rumors. We have mutual friends in school, and when I hang out with them and see him, he says hi to them and talks to them but ignores me. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s annoying and making me angry. I don’t understand what my fault is – it’s been three years since we have had any interaction! What should I do?

Hi curiouscutie –

Well, as you know, I am an extremely intelligent and perceptive dog (well, intelligent in some ways!), but I am not psychic.  I can’t read minds, as much as I’d like to.  So I can’t guarantee that I know what’s going on in this boy’s mind.

However, I often am a very good guesser.  So I’ll throw my guess at you.

And that is that boys around seventh-grade tend to have a TON of things going on in them.  Relationships with friends and family are changing, their bodies are changing, the chemicals inside them are changing, and what they really want and need is often to run away and be by themselves in a deep dark wood for a few months, while at the same time to hang out with only their friends, and at the same time stay home with their families, and at the same time start dealing with their changing attitudes about girls…  and it’s just impossible!  So what they do is to Continue reading

0 How to kindly reject someone online

Chicken asks: A girl found me on Instagram, and now on kik, and asked if I would date her. I don’t really know how to say no. I wouldn’t date her, but I’ve never been asked out and I don’t know how to reject… Please help!

Hi Chicken –

Rejection is a funny thing.  We all hate being rejected (oh how it hurt, especially when I was young, and I’d run up to play with people who’d push me away, or dogs who’d get angry and bark and bite at me!).  But of course we all have to do it many times (yes, even us dogs).

I think the reason people are so often afraid to reject is because they remember how much it hurt when someone rejected them.  But the truth is, the rejections that hurt the most are usually the Continue reading

1 What to do when you find your best friend is gay

lovelyme asks: I’ve been talking to a girl – as in trying to get to know each other in a passionate way. I’m not gay or a lesbian, but ironically I’m falling for a girl. We exchange few “I love you” and sweet text messages. We kissed a couple of times, and I introduced her to my family. But I’m not ready to go with a girl. Her mom doesn’t know she’s gay. What should I do? I think I kind of brought her in too deep. I like boys and I’m stuck.

Hi lovelyme –

Issues about attraction between people of the same sex were so hushed over, for so long, that today it all seems to be exploding.  Laws are changing, definitions of institutions and rights are changing, even religions are changing.  It’s huge and exciting, and I think it’s absolutely wonderful (I jump on and lick everyone, and have never cared a bit about the shape of their body!).

I bring this up because, in truth, the situation you’re in is very simple, and has nothing to do with being gay or not.  The fact is, you’re attracted to a friend, even falling for her somewhat, but you don’t want to go out with her on a committed basis.  This is about as normal as Continue reading

0 Should you date a player?

Mandhie asks: There is this guy in my school who is in the same year as me. The first day I got to the school and saw him, I had a crush on him – and I think he did too, because I noticed him staring at me. Because he is so cute, handsome, tall, and has all the features of a good-looking guy, a lot of girls like him. So far, he’s dated like four of my friends that I know; but since he saw me, he has been trying to ignore his current girlfriend (and my year group teases us both). At times, he smiles to me when they tease us, but I feel too shy to return a smile because I don’t want anything to happen between his current girlfriend and me. Now, apparently, his current girlfriend is dating another guy in the school, so my crush is happy about it and is kind of trying to get into my way, but I don’t like that idea. Though I like him, I don’t like the fact that he has dated a lot of girls and wants to date me too, because I’m not the kind of girl who doesn’t care when they are dumped in a relationship. Also, I have never dated before and have no experience. What should I do?

Hi Mandhie –

Wow, this is a great story!  Handsome likes to watch all these complex shows on TV like the one about the big old house in England, or the one about the ad agency, and this sounds like them!

And in one of those shows, you would be the heroine.

Okay, first of all, as I’ve said on here a lot, there is nothing wrong with Continue reading

0 How to treat friends who aren’t telling you everything

fourcats asks: I sent you a question about ignorance from friends, and I did what you told me, but they say there is no reason for their distance. I am scared that I will fall in trouble for a thing that I haven’t done. I saw those friends talking with our teacher about a problem, and I think that might be the reason for their behavior. How can I know whether this is my mistake or a misunderstanding about me? And how can I be friends with them again?

Hi four cats –

I am only a dog.  I have no way of knowing what your friends are thinking or feeling, or what anyone said to your teacher.

But here’s the funny thing.  At least for right now, neither do you.

Yep, that’s what I said.  You have no idea of what’s going on.  Maybe your friends are blaming you for something horrible that someone else did.  Or maybe not.  Maybe you’re in huge trouble with the teacher.  Or maybe not.  Maybe your friends have actively decided to ignore you because they are furious with you.

Or maybe not.

So here’s the weird thing about situations like this:  You can Continue reading