Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 Why do teenagers get so alienated?

pripra197 asks: I’m 14 and for the past few months, I have begun to realize everything wrong about everyone around me, including my parents. Everything wrong about them is suddenly showing and the people I thought were perfect or really nice are suddenly showing all of the really bad parts about themselves. For people that I don’t really care about, it’s ok, but suddenly the people close to me seem like they are not the people I thought they were. And it’s really frustrating. I constantly feel like I’m being bad by judging them, but as much as I try, I can’t control it. All the bad and annoying parts about my dad and my mom are showing through and I sometimes get really mad about what they do and act more annoyed and impatient. They yell at me for it and call me all kind of labels like “she’s so impatient” and “she gets so annoyed so easily” in front of all my relatives. Sometimes I become really sad and just like to stay away from my family. But they have a label for that too. Some of my closest friends have become less close in my heart and it always feels like they need to change but I can’t do anything about it.

Hi pripra197 –

Well, here’s the good news and the bad news.  What you’re going through, every person in the world has experienced, once they’ve been teenagers.  This isn’t just normal, it’s REQUIRED.

It makes sense when you think about it.  It’s essential for young children to be able to trust the world around them.  Part of that includes believing that their parents, their teachers, and anyone else they count on is kind of perfect.  Yes, they might be bothered that one teacher is mean, or that their mom forgot to pick them up at school, but still they will hold onto this general attitude that “I’m safe because I can depend on these great people.”  Then, when humans become adults, they need to have a strong sense of human nature, and the strengths and weaknesses of other adults.  But how does one get from that romanticized extreme to that sophisticated intelligence?

They have to go through being Continue reading

0 Is it okay for teachers and students to get involved?

lettersdontfade asks: Last year, I fell in love with a guy who’s 7 years older than me – and he’s my teacher. He doesn’t teach my class, but he’s one of the teachers at school. We chat through BBM, and I fell for him instantly. Then last January, school started, and we’re barely talking anymore. I try my best to keep in touch with him, but it doesn’t work. He keeps ignoring me. I tried to forget him and I did. I met one guy in June/July, and another guy in July/August. But after that, I still caught myself thinking about him. Oh btw, when no one’s around, or just me and one of my closest friends, he talks to me. If not, he’ll act like he doesn’t know me. Then last month, he texted me, asking me about some stuff. He’s gonna leave soon. I’m happy about it because we can talk again with no “teacher-student” labels. He said sorry about everything and suddenly we kept chatting until today. One day, he asked me if I’d said something about him, and I said “what are you talking about?” and he didn’t want to talk about it until a couple days ago. We got onto some serious things. I broke my promise, and even said I was sorry, but he seems to not want to forgive me, even though he said that he already has. I love him so much, but I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him? I mean he’s got a girlfriend and will leave out of my country soon. When he talks, I feel like he likes me, but I don’t know. I just wish I could be with him. Please tell me what to do.

Hi lettersdontfade –

You’ve probably seen on this site that I am a very friendly pooch.  I tend to love everyone, and try really hard to see everyone’s viewpoint, as I’m a big believer that people almost always do things for what feel like good reasons.

But every now and then, I get kind of angry.

The fur along my back starts to stick up, my ears pull back, my lips rise to show my fangs, and I start to snarl.  And if things keep going as they are, I cringe back on my haunches, and get ready to snap forward and attack.

It doesn’t happen often, but it’s starting to happen here.

You’ve done nothing wrong, lettersdontfade.  In fact, you sound like an absolutely wonderful, loving young human.  The sort I would love to get to know.

But I’m not feeling so warm and friendly to your Continue reading

0 Why are girls so mean to each other?

welpe asks: Why are girls so mean to each other?

Hi welpe –

This is an issue we hear about all the time these days. Movies like “Mean Girls” have brought this issue (which has existed forever) into the limelight, and recent news about social media has shown the danger of it.

What’s mystifying is just what you’re asking: WHY?!

We normally think of humans as sort-of split: Males are tougher, more likely to fight, while Females are softer, more nurturing, more likely to try to resolve issues kindly. Yet, while there’s some truth to that, humans go through a period, usually in early adolescence (say 12-15) when girls can be incredibly cruel, especially to other girls – right at a time when boys are often withdrawn and even passive.

What in the world?!

(I should add that we dogs are actually quite different in this regard. As adults, we females are more protective, fierce, even more likely to fight, than males. This has resulted in a certain word, referring to female dogs, that humans use very harshly – but I won’t go into that here!)

I can’t give you an absolute answer, welpe, but I will offer you three thoughts on it. Maybe they’ll help.

First, in human brain development, adolescence is a time when humans start to care immensely more about their Continue reading

0 Why do teenagers get depressed?

Tulla123 asks: Dear shirelle, I think I’m starting to go through depression. I think this because of my mum; at the moment she constantly hates me. I feel like I’m worthless and I don’t want to live with her anymore. Usually I would just ignore it, but I’ve got to the stage when I sit in front of the mirror and ask myself “who am I?” I’m only 12 and I don’t talk to my dad so I can’t move in with him. I’m worried I’m going to get to the stage where I want to kill myself. How can I stop this from happening?

Hi Tulla123 –

It sounds to me like you have two things going on at the same time.  And both of them are very tough.

The first is just what you say – you’re feeling unloved by your mother, and you have no relationship with your dad.  This is HARD!  No question about it!  I believe you’ll get through it just fine, but this is really painful and difficult… and UNFAIR.

My guess is that your mum doesn’t really hate you.  She’s just Continue reading

0 What to do if you think you’re bisexual

Bosho asks:  I have been recently conflicted in the romantic sense.  I am a teenager who always thought I was straight.  However; I have became friends with this guy whom I really get along with.  We have hung out a few times and it has been really nice for me; I feel really happy with him.  But, whenever I think about it, I get really confused about the whole thing.  I feel I am bi-sexual but he is openly gay.  I also don’t feel I can express anything with my other friends, even my closest friends.  I am so scared that they will abandon me in this situation.  This has been plaguing me for the past few weeks and I really want to know how I can solve it.  I feel I should talk to him about it and get his opinion about the matter.  I feel he would listen to what I have to say, but I have a “I don’t want to rock the boat” nature and I don’t want to offend him or hurt his feelings.  Even though this is holding me back big time, I still want to solve this issue.  I figure that my options are talking to him about it and possible ceasing our friendship or worst of all, coming out as bi-sexual and facing the likely harsh consequences of doing so.  

Hi Bosho –

I am a dog.  I have no concerns about who is “normal” and who should be attracted to what sort of person.  I only care about my Pack Members being happy.  And it’s clear that you’re pretty confused and frightened right now.

Studies say that somewhere between 2 and 5% of people identify themselves as bisexual, and many more women experiment with bisexuality (and we can guess that at least that many feel it but don’t admit it).

You ask what you should do.  I would say to Continue reading

0 How to talk to someone whose party you skipped

problempup asks: My friend had this birthday party and invited all my friends, including me, and everyone said yes except me. So everyone went and I didn’t, and now I feel that none will talk to me anymore. This was the biggest party ever –she even got a limo for it. How should I react to this?

Hi problempup –

Thanks for your question about your friend’s party (and I really apologize for taking so long to answer it; Handsome was out of town for the holidays and I couldn’t turn the computer on with my paws!).

I guess I’m a little confused here.  Your friend had a really great party, and invited you, and you didn’t go?  Why was that?  I’ll throw a few thoughts at you, but until I know why you didn’t want to be there, I’m not sure if my ideas will be right.
First of all, there’s a really important issue here, that I talk about a lot, because it’s so important.  When children’s bodies grow, so do their brains.  And when a human reaches about sixteen years old, their brains are fully developed, with one exception.  And that’s the part of their brain that has a conception of Time.  Teenagers are brilliant and passionate and creative and glorious – but don’t have the sense that adults do of the effects and meanings of time.  (This is why Shakespeare made Romeo and Juliet teenagers.  If they’d been in their 20s, they would have just made plans to sneak away, get married, wait for their parents to cool off about it, and all would have been fine; instead, they had that “It’s now or never, there’s no tomorrow, we have to get married tonight” attitude, which was good for the play, but pretty rotten for them!)

So my initial advice to you is to stop worrying so much; while this is a big deal today, there’ll be another big deal tomorrow, and no one will even remember that you weren’t at the party.  In fact, over time, I’ll bet a number of the guests will remember you were at the party, even though you weren’t!

Secondly, though, if you offended anyone, it is only the Continue reading

1 How to make an apology

Mandhie asks: I have had crushes on other guys that last for a few days, but I have liked this one guy for five good years. At times, I can feel he likes me, and at others, I feel he doesn’t. Recently, I asked him to come over and he did. We took pictures, and I walked him about halfway home, till I got tired. The next day, I sent him one of the pictures we took, and asked him if I could use it as my Facebook profile picture. He said I should never do it, so I said okay. Then, I sent the picture to his “school father” (it is something playfully done in schools in my country; they act like your caretakers in school. Now the whole point is that people tease us both that we like each other. I like him, and I know he likes me, but he hasn’t confessed anything to me – and as I said before, he gives me mixed signals. So now, he is angry with me because I sent that picture to the other boy. Now, I don’t know why I sent the picture, and seriously speaking, I like it when people tease us; and that was what I wanted, for the boy to tease me to make me feel like he likes me, but it didn’t go the way I planned. He saw it on Facebook (because another friend of his school father took a screenshot of the picture and put it online). And now as I am writing, we are not talking, and it hurts. I have said I’m sorry a thousand times, but he is neither replying to my messages nor calling me. I have offended him before, and I feel so bad because I feel the way he feels for me might change. I know he likes me because he acts shy and doesn’t look at my face when we are talking, but I do look at his face. I don’t even understand why he is so offended! You have no idea how I feel right now; I am afraid he will be taken away by another girl. I love him so much. Please help. I don’t want him to leave my life.

Hi Mandhie –

Mandhie, I won’t pretend to understand nuclear physics – no dog does.  But I know that the basis of the atom bomb came when humans learned how to split an atom, which then set off energy that split the atoms around it, and those the atoms around them, and so on, creating enough energy to destroy a city.  All from the energy inside a tiny weensy atom.

Well, my dear friend, that little picture was just an atom, but it seems that, in this boy’s world, you set off an atom bomb!

You say in your letter that I have no idea how you feel.  Actually, I probably have a pretty good sense of it (kind of like the day I, as a puppy, felt like chewing on something and found a piece of cardboard very handy, only to discover later that it was the cover of a decades-old record album that Handsome really treasured, as he screamed as he grabbed me and heaved me through the air).  What I don’t have a good sense of is what this boy is feeling.

Why is he so upset?  Is he just super-private?  Is he worried because he likes another girl and doesn’t want it to look like you and he are a couple?

Is he embarrassed, because he likes you and doesn’t like having his feelings shared around publicly?

From what you say, I think there’s a Continue reading

0 What to do when two friends are after the same person?

HecateGoddess asks: I made a new friend and she seems kinda nice, so I invited her to sit at my table at lunch. Then she said that she likes this boy, who is my best friend’s crush – and the boy seems to like her too. What can I do to help my best friend?

Hi HecateGoddess –

This is a tough one!  I’ll throw some ideas at you, but the most important thing for you to remember is that This Is Not Your Fault.  If she and that boy were going to be attracted to each other, your befriending her didn’t make that happen.  So don’t feel guilty (you humans fall into that so easily!).  But you still might be able to help things out.

The first question is about the boy.  I know your best friend has a crush on him, but has he shown any interest in her?  It may be that she’s just not his type, or that he only notices other sorts of girls – and if that’s the case, your best act might be to just support her as she watches him go off with this new girl, which always hurts!

But if he’s shown any interest at all in your best friend, you could try to do three things: encourage Continue reading

0 Should best friends date?

supermolly asks: I am superrr-close to this boy – he is like my best friend and we literally tell each other everything, and everyone is always going on about how we should get together and stuff, but we’re happy how it is. But lately one of my friends has been interested in him, and is trying to get me away from him, which I hate. But the other day I was thinking, “if he got a girlfriend what would I do,” and I’d be really upset now if I think about it. But I won’t admit my feelings to myself, and I’m really confused, and my best friend was asking him if he likes me like that, and he said he doesn’t know really – and that’s how I feel too! Can you help me?

Hi supermolly –

You know the oddest thing about your letter?  I’ve been doing this for a few years now, and you’re the first person to ever ask me this question!  I’m really surprised, because it seems like something that probably happens to humans all the time.

I don’t know your age, but of course it’s absolutely normal for humans to be friends one day, and then the next, as they mature, suddenly start looking at each other in different ways.  It would be extremely convenient if every human did this at the same time, say on their fourteenth birthday, or on the first day of high school.  But it doesn’t happen that way – some people start changing at age ten, and others not till fifteen, just like in every other aspect of teenhood (like body-shape changes).  It doesn’t mean you’re better or worse because of when it happens – it just Continue reading

0 How to deal with a bratty younger sibling

BlackGermanShepherd asks: My younger brother is 8 and he always hits me, and I get in trouble because of him. He always goes into my room and takes things and yells at me. I feel like I have no power over him. What should I do?

Hi BlackGermanShepherd –

Your problem sounds like something we dogs go through all the time.  Our humans’ friends decide it would be a great idea if they introduce their puppy to us, thinking we’ll be great pals – and the next thing you know, we’re being bitten, jumped on, and really annoyed for the whole time we’re supposed to play together.  Or worse, our humans actually decide to get a new puppy, and we’re putting up with this nonsense all the time!

And just as with you, the worst thing about this is that, when we get fed up and turn around and bite that little pest in the butt (which is completely a dog’s instinct, and how puppies have learned manners for millennia), who gets yelled at?  WE do!  It’s ridiculous!

Now I’m sure everyone’s been telling you that, over time, you and your brother will become great friends, and he’ll get very mature, and he’ll even become protective of you.  And I have no doubt that that’s true.  But that doesn’t help right now.  Now, what you need is a way to get through this.

For that, I have a few suggestions.  First, try to Continue reading