Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to reduce stress on your parents

shitzhu00 asks: My mom is going through a lot of stress right now and is struggling with money. My siblings and I aren’t the best children, but what happens if she suddenly comes home with a bottle of beer in her hand and becomes an alcoholic? What would I do then?

Hi shitzhu00 –

I think you’re really asking me two questions.  The first is how best to deal with your mom’s stress.

I actually have two different answers to that one, which will sound like they completely disagree with each other.  One is to do everything you can to reduce her stress and not add to it.  The second is to accept that you can’t fix it, and allow that you’ll add to her stress at times and that’s okay.

Adults get stressed a lot, and kids add to it in every way.  They have to make more money to pay for their kids’ needs, and they come home to whatever issues the kids are going through.  Life is tough enough with 24 hours a day of stress, but when you add kids in, it can seem more like 50 hours a day!  So it’d be great if you could do what you can to lower her stress level.  If, when she asks you to do something, you do it the first time she asks, that can do wonders.  If you can keep your room clean, do your chores, and do your homework – all without her having to remind you, you’re a dream.  These are great things that really make parents’ lives easier.  Oh and try to keep from getting into too much trouble outside of home too!

But at the same time – she knew what she was getting into when she Continue reading

0 How to get your parents to let you have a social life

teefah asks: I’m in grade 11 this year. This is my third year of home schooling, because my parents took me out of school. They didn’t like the friends I had. I had no problem with my home schooling up until this year. I feel really lonely all the time and I don’t get to go to see friends. All I have is family. I really adore them, but now since I’m so deeply in love with this one guy for the past 2 years that lives far from me, they’re not okay with it. Every time they find out they stop speaking to me. I always felt like I belonged someplace else. From the age of 10, I wanted to run away from home. At this stage I really just want to leave, even if it’s to family far away. I have made many mistakes, but they won’t forget my mistakes. I feel lonely all the time (especially because my siblings stopped talking to me)! Easter weekend is coming up and I don’t want to face the family, because they don’t talk to me. Please tell me what to do? I know running away is wrong.

Hi teefah –

I have to admit, when I read your letter, I keep picturing you at the top of a tall tower, throwing your long hair out the window every day in hopes a prince will climb up it! You’re right – something has to change!

You’re also right that running away wouldn’t solve anything. I’ve done it a few times (not out of pain like yours, just following interesting smells for a while), and it has never worked out well. You end up lonely, scared, and potentially in great danger (it’s awful to say, but we dogs aren’t the only ones who sometimes get grabbed and put in the back of cars by strangers).

What bothers me the most is how angry your family gets when you mention this boy. Is there something specific about him that bothers them? You mention having made mistakes – was he involved in them in some way? I could understand if he’d done something so bad that your family put out a rule that you could never see him again. (It’s harsh, but I could understand. If I were a human and my daughter’s boyfriend did something really bad – sneaked some drugs into what she was drinking, or had her be an accessory to a crime or something like that – I could easily put out a rule like that!)

It seems to me that some sort of Continue reading

0 How to deal with an adoptive parent who resents your birth parent

watermelon asks: I was talking to my birth mother behind my adopted mother’s back, and my adoptive mother got mad at me because she never wants me talking to her, because she hates her. Now she will not talk to me because I did that, and because I said that I have a (not so great) life, and that my biological mother is my hero. But she did not let me explain why I said it! So what do I do? I am so lost right now!

Hi watermelon –

You are stuck in a very difficult situation. No question about it.

It’s easier for me. I was adopted, but by a human, who would never ever have any bad feelings about my saying how much my birth mother means to me. In fact, my human would absolutely love to meet my mother, and to have her and me reunite. He’d find it fascinating and exciting and beautiful.

But he’d also know that, when that meeting was done, I would want nothing more than to loyally accompany him home. Because he knows he’s my number-one human, now and forever.

And your Mom is doubting that you feel that way about her.

(Note, I’m going to refer to your adoptive mother here as your Continue reading

0 How to get to go to boarding school

arjai101 asks: I really want to go to Boarding School. But my mom doesn’t want me to, even though I can gain so much from the experience. I have decided to apply to some boarding schools for scholarships, because I know my mom would never pay or support my decision. However, the applications require money and financial statements and I have to ask my mom for that. I know why my mom won’t let me go to Boarding school, but I just really really want to go. How can I make that happen?

Hi arjai101 –

I don’t know enough about the details of your situation to give a definite answer, so I’m going to give you a few:

First:  Just as I often want to go outside and chase a cat down the street, but Handsome won’t let me do it (he says it’s got something to do with me getting run over), there’s a truth to the idea that, when your parent says No, sometimes that just means No.  There are lots of good reasons to go to boarding school, but if a kid’s parents aren’t willing to give their okay, the school probably can’t accept the kid.  So if your mom says no, it just might mean this is one experience you don’t get to have.

Second: Is the issue just that she Continue reading

0 What to do if you’re scared about growing up

poproxy360 asks: I am scared of growing up and losing my childhood forever. I am not in puberty yet and I don’t have breasts yet either, but I am ten and scared of growing up. What should I do?

Hi poproxy360 –

What you’re asking is as normal as my wanting to chase squirrels! Almost all pre-teens have this fear, though few admit it. So good for you, for your honesty and openness!

You say that you’re scared of growing up. Yet I’ll bet that when you were three years old, you wanted nothing more than to do just that. And probably when you were six. And maybe even when you were nine.

What’s happened is that you’ve suddenly realized that the next stage of growing up isn’t just being a little bigger and stronger and faster, and being able to do a few more things at school. You’re looking straight at the biggest Continue reading

0 How to deal with a friend who’s becoming unlikable

pitbull kisses asks: Hi. I am 9 years old. I have a friend who has become so annoying and mean. I don’t want to be friends with her anymore. I tried ignoring her, but she follows me around. If I don’t do what she wants, she is really mean. I also think she does really gross things like pick at her sores. I don’t want people to think I am also gross. I don’t know what to do – she is really stressing me out. Please help!

Hi pitbull kisses –

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Friends are such a great thing to have, and it stinks when a friendship develops problems that threaten to ruin it.

Having said that, it’s clear that your friend is going through a very strange phase. She’s being demanding and mean, and even picking at herself in ways that you and others find disgusting. This might mean that something difficult is going on in her life; if so, maybe you can help her get through it and thereby develop a better friendship than you’ve ever had. But if it’s just her being rude and unaware, then I certainly understand your wish to move on.

Either way, I think you have to do the same thing – which is probably the last thing you’d want to do! And that is to Continue reading

0 Should you stay in a relationship where you’re constantly jealous?

Volcano asks: Hello. Well I’m having relationship issues and don’t know what to do. First, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. I am ten years older than him. That’s my first issue. I’m always afraid that he will leave me for someone younger so obviously I have trust issues. Especially because of my past relationships. I always question his intentions when he’s being real nice to his female coworkers and so I am very jealous. The most recent time was when I was going to his work for lunch. He asked his female coworker if she wanted anything. She said no. So we ate and after I left he tells me that he was going to go get her food because she was eating some frozen meal and offered once again to go get her something. At this time when he told me that I got furious. I just asked him why is he so considerate for her and he just got mad and said he did it because he did. And then he started telling me how tired he was of me and that it was over. I just kept telling him how could you tell me you love me like two hours ago and kiss me and now it’s over. Just like that. It’s been two weeks since that incident and we’re still living together but he says he just wants to be alone. We haven’t had intimacy and he says he doesn’t want to. I love him and don’t want to lose him but he has been just a different person. So I asked him if everything he’s said is a lie. For Valentine’s Day he sent me thru text something he made for me and said he loved me to till his last breath. So my question is: Can someone just snap and stop loving a person he’s said he loves so much, to not loving them at all? He even said that he thinks that he used to tell me he loved me out of habit and didn’t think he meant it. What can I do to save this relationship? Is it salvageable?

Hi Volcano –

Wow! Okay, I’m seeing two issues here, and I’ll take each on separately. Then it’ll be kinda up to you, how you put the two together.

First – the jealousy thing. I get jealous. Handsome will see some really cute dog and pet it and play with it, and I’ll feel the need to go over and give it a little bit of a whupping. Not to hurt it, but just to let it know that I’m the Queen here, and that it had better remember that. After all, I like that Handsome loves dogs – he always smells so much more interesting after he plays with them!

But that doesn’t mean that I have the kinds of suspicion that you humans have. After all, if I smell another dog on Handsome’s hands or clothes, there’s nothing for me to worry about; I just know that he’s been petting another dog. But for you, and other humans, it’s all about suspicion: you see your boyfriend get a woman something to eat, and you instantly suspect everything from him preferring her to you, to him actually cheating on you, to him leaving you!

And while this is a completely natural act of your superior, imaginative brains, the advice from this simple, small-brained dog is: Continue reading

0 What’s the best way to deal with having told a lie?

annakellyjelly asks: I created an iMessage account without my parents knowing. My friends know, so I was sick and in the hospital and I texted my friend this morning. I told my friend I was sick and I was in the hospital, she called and my mom answered. My friend asked for me and my mom said I wasn’t feeling well, my friend said that she knew because I was in the hospital. So my mom asked her how she knew… My mom does not think I told anyone anything, she thought it was just her and her parents and my dad and sis who knew because I had just come out of the hospital. My mom asked my friend how she knew. When my friend realized she had just screwed up, so she said that this girl in our class had told her. My mom wants me to ask the girl how she knows when I go to school tomorrow, and tomorrow is a half-day, so what do I do? Should I tell my mom about iMessage or just make something up? If I make something up what should I say? If I tell the truth how do I say it? I mean I am only 10. Help!!!

Hi annakellyjelly –

I have to be honest with you about this.

When I say that, I don’t mean that I think I should be honest with you, I’m saying that I literally have to be honest with you. And that’s because dogs don’t lie. We simply don’t know how to.

Some people think dogs lie to them. They’ll feed their dog, and an hour later that pooch is whining and looking longingly at them, asking for food, and they’ll say “Stop lying! I already fed you!” But the dog isn’t lying. The dog is saying he would really like something to eat. And that’s the truth!

The reason I bring this up is that I’m no good at helping people come up with good lies. I just don’t have the brains for it.

But you know what I find? I find most people aren’t all that great at it either. For example, we always hear that politicians are great liars. But the reason we hear about politicians lying is that they get caught at it so often! They’ll lie about who they’re making secret deals with, they’ll lie about what they’re going to do if elected, they’ll lie about who they’re romantically involved with, they’ll lie about why they want to go to war, they’ll lie about specifics of a program they’re putting through… and they get caught on every one of them! (If you haven’t figured this out, the list of lies I just gave includes every US president of the last 34 years!)

And this is what’s bad about lying. Lies aren’t always morally wrong; sometimes lying is the Continue reading

0 What to do with a pet you can’t give enough care to

I love Monty asks: In some of my previous questions, I’ve mentioned my pet snake, Monty. Well recently I haven’t been paying much attention to him, and I’m not good at remembering to change his water and stuff. I do it, but not as often. My parents think I should sell him, and I didn’t tell them but I agree a bit. I know it’s best for him but I would REALLY miss him… I don’t know what I should do… Sell him or keep him? I need money because I’m saving up money and hopefully his new owner would be good. I want to keep him, because I’d really miss him and I love him and I just don’t know!!! Please help!!!

Hi I love Monty –

It is wonderful to see a pet-owner care as much as you do.  I see dogs and cats all the time whose caretakers pay hardly any attention to them, and feel just fine about it.  (Well, maybe some of those nasty cats deserve it!  Heh heh!)

I think there’s a way for you to get all you want, and for Monty to have the best possible life.  What if you Continue reading

0 Should you date someone else while you wait for the right one?

Mandhie asks: I am 16 years old. I know this scientific thing that, as a teenager, you are supposed to feel the urge of having a boyfriend or girlfriend someday, but it is actually not love but lust. Shirelle, about this boy I always talk to you about – the one whose mum calls me daughter-in-law, and who I wish would hold my hand and all? Recently you remember I told you he was angry with me because I put our picture on Facebook; well, he later told me on my birthday that he was not angry and called me “dear!” That is the first sweet word he has ever said to me. He made my birthday by just that one word. We chatted and I was happy but then I sat down to think – why did he all of a sudden call me dear and act so nice? Shirelle, I have a feeling he is beginning to like me, and I never want to give up because I want him to be my boyfriend, and my husband someday. My friend told me, since I am not sure as to whether he likes me, I should get a date so that at least I will have some experience, but I told her no, because I hated the idea, and, as I already said, I want that guy to be the only boy in my life. So what can I do to make him like me more, and also stay closer to him? And meanwhile, is the scientific thing I talked about happening to me? Why do I feel like having a boyfriend now?

Hi Mandhie –

Okay, so this is good news! At last this boy is noticing you. The bad news is that I can’t exactly tell you what to do next, because it really depends on him. Some humans pull away a bit after being nice to someone, and then need to get some space. Others feel “Okay, I’ve let her know how I feel, so now I need her to respond in a way that shows me how she feels.” Probably the best answer is to do a mixture of the two – stay back, but if he looks at you, give him a smile back.

I’m not quite sure what your friend is after. Is she thinking that this boy might never ask you out, so you’d better have a date before you’re an old granny of 17? Or is she thinking that you’ll be more attractive to this boy if you’ve already gone out with other guys? Either way, I don’t see any big reason for you to go out with anyone you’re not interested in. Of course if a boy asks you to a dance, and you want to go to that dance, there’s really no reason not to go. But it’d surely be better if Continue reading