Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 What should a depressed teenager do

Confused asks: Okay so I’ve been depressed since I was about 7. I wanted to kill myself by the time I was 8. I started cutting myself when I was 10, but I haven’t cut since I was 11. I’m so stressed and tired of everything. There are some days in which I’ll wake up wanting to die, but there are other days where I wake up thinking life is beautiful. Then there are the days that I wake up not caring if I died at any given moment. However, I’m tired of feeling like this.I want help, but I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I never talk to them about anything personal, and they get mad at me for that. I think that if I tell them that I want to go to therapy, they’ll get even more mad at me. Plus, I don’t know why I’m depressed. I have everything I could ever ask for; I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a loving family, good grades, and other positive things. I just don’t understand why I’m like this. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

I’m very glad you’re not cutting anymore.  If you start to feel a huge craving for it again, please go to the home page here and put “cutting” into the search box, and you’ll see some suggestions for ways to deal with that feeling.

Of course I don’t know your family at all, but I’m inclined to think (and hope) that you might be a little wrong about your parents.  The way you describe your situation to me, with you knowing your life is good, but feeling depressed anyway, makes me think that if you described your situation just that way to them, they probably wouldn’t get mad.  Instead, they’d want to try to figure out what’s wrong.  And getting a professional to check you out is a great way of doing that.  You might have an actual chemical imbalance, where some sort of medication could help – and if that’s the case, it would be very helpful to your life to deal with that.

But more likely, WAY more likely, you’ve just gone through some tough times. I don’t know how old you are (except that you’re over 11), but it is very normal for teenagers to go through times when they feel very depressed.  It mostly comes from the fact that everything in your life is changing – outside of you and inside of you – in ways you can’t understand or control.  And so you’re just stuck like me in a crate – unable to move forward or backward, or even get comfortable, with no sign of anything changing anytime soon.

But you also tell me that you’ve had these feelings since you were eight.  And that is too much!

So I wish I had some other suggestions, but I really only have three for right now.  The first is to do just what you’re afraid to Continue reading

0 What to do after you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of your crush

Sarah asks: Hi Shirelle, so I came out of class and I wanted to get something to eat because the cafeteria was closed and the only way I could’ve gotten something to eat was by going to my school’s mini store which is where my crush works. At first, I went straight to my room because I was too scared and nervous to go in that store. But, something told me that I had to face my fears and I had to stop letting this guy stop me from getting something to eat. So I gathered up the courage and went to the store. When I went, he was the cashier for the night!!! I just walked in took what I wanted and gave him the cash hoping he would not say anything to me. Guess what he did say something to me — and I didn’t know what to say. I was so embarrassed because he stared at me waiting for a response and I was just standing there nervous and awkward. Pleased help me to cope with this.

Hi Sarah –

The answer to your question is… that there is no answer.  Your complaint about how you’re acting in front of your crush is exactly the way every person in the world has acted in front of their crushes, since time began!  You’re so excited by their presence, and so scared of doing something wrong, that your body goes into an emergency mode.  It’s kind of like if you press the accelerator and the brake of a car all the way down to the floor at the same time!  It’s completely exciting – and there’s no way for it not to be embarrassing and fun at once.

You might have heard, in a biology class or something, about something called “Fight or Flight.”  Most mammals have this.  Think of what a cat does when I show up in the yard — it’s suddenly very nervous, and its brain goes into hyperdrive, as it screams out inside, “I’ve got to run away!  I’ve got to run at that mutt and scratch her nose!  I’ve got to stand perfectly still and hope she doesn’t see me!”  All of these happen at once.  Eventually, the cat will make a decision (usually it’s to run like blazes and shoot up the nearest tree, driving me nuts!).  But until it does, it’s in that same place you were.  Just electrified.

So now, to your question…

Of course, there’s nothing you can do to change what happened, although it may not be as bad as you think; you may find it hard to believe, but while your whole system was going wacko, on the outside you might have appeared completely normal, just quiet and disinterested.  So it’s possible there’s nothing at all to worry about.

But what if that wasn’t the case?  What if this guy, who you are so crazy about, saw you being nervous and confused and eager… in other words, what if he saw that you really like him?

Well… isn’t that actually a good thing?!

See this is where we pups have easier lives than you guys.  If I like someone, I do everything in my power to show them I do!  I jump on them, lick them, chase my tail when they walk into the room… I can’t think of a single reason why I wouldn’t want them to know I adore them.  But I know you humans are different.

So here’s my thought.  Just try to Continue reading

0 How to tell if you have ADHD

Dan Man asks: I think I have ADHD. All the symptoms point to ADHD as I’ve had problems focusing, impulsivity, inability to sit still, and hypersensitivity, but I’m only 13 and my mother laughs at the prospect of me having ADHD. School is becoming really difficult for me and I always say things at the wrong times. Do I have ADHD? Psychologists are out of the question. How do I fix this, or get my mom to believe me if I do?

Hi Dan Man –

Well, I relate.  Lots of people say I have ADHD too.  But we dogs can’t get medication for it, or even psychotherapy.  So instead I just live my life, excited lots of the time, not very focused, and enjoying my life immensely.

Which is a LOT easier for me to do than you, since I’m not in school, and never have to do homework!!!

So here’s the deal with ADHD.  Some people really have it, and lots who get labeled with it don’t have it.  If you truly have it, it’s an actual biological/medical condition, where part of your brain that’s good at focusing and control isn’t working well enough, and needs to be jolted a bit.  So there’s one test you can do, without going to a doctor, to see if this is truly true of you.  And that’s to, before you go to school, have a Continue reading

0 What to do when it seems everyone’s against you

BVB Army writes: It’s been nearly a year now since I’ve sent an email, and right now I don’t know what else to do. Basically this year has been absolute crap. I don’t know where to start. In September it was OK, me and my friends were close, we went to each others houses nearly every week, we talked about anything and everything. I loved it but my mom obviously didn’t, she hates my friends and I don’t even know why; they’re the nicest people on earth! Because one of my friends has family issues, she thinks she’s a bad influence (because she does what she wants). And when I came home from school and my mom asked me if I hung out with my friends and I obviously said yes, she got really mad at me. And then her main goal was trying to stop me hanging out with my friends, so she stopped letting me go to their houses or letting them come over. I literally begged and she wouldn’t budge and that’s when my year started getting bad. I felt trapped in my house like a prisoner and I felt like I was constantly being watched in school because every time I came home my mom somehow knew who I had been with and what we were doing. It was scary and I cried so much back then. I couldn’t take it so I started sneaking out in the middle of the night to get away. It was great and they still haven’t found out about it. Then there was a 5sos concert coming up and that was the band me and my friends had in common, so my friend booked the tickets and told us the next day and it was soo awesome, but when I asked my mom if I could go, she said no and blamed my friends because she they booked the tickets and that’s not true because I’ve always wanted to got a concert but only had the guts to ask this year. Also this year I took your advice and tried talking to my mom a bit more but it always ends in tears because either I say something about something and she gives me a lecture and I get annoyed at her, or I start saying my opinions and she hates them and then we don’t talk. I hate that she brings religion up because she’s not that religious, but always brings up beliefs and stuff. I can’t stand listening to them because I’m Atheist (she doesn’t know that though; if she did I’d probably be disowned!). And the fights were regular and it was annoying. I hated fighting but I also hated backing down. Before I was quiet, but now that I actually want to be heard, no one is listening to me. She blamed my friends for the fights so I stopped hanging out with them; I just gave in to her because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I felt like crying nearly everyday and music was my only outlet, but that got taken away from me as well, and I couldn’t talk to my friends or my mom would know, but then I stopped caring and started talking again to my friends. But they changed –especially my best friend. She’s angrier and she never talks to me anymore and it hurts because I helped her through bad times when we were in year 7 and 8, listening to her problems and supporting her, but now she doesn’t really say much and hangs out with her other friends, which I don’t mind but it hurts really badly. At one point it was all too much and I overdosed on some pills, but I told my friend and she looked online to help me and it did help. But I’ve been regretting actually staying alive because I feel like I cause problems in my home. I’ve been contemplating it again because no one cares anymore – even I don’t! In school I have not cared about anything and I’ve probably failed all of my tests and I have no motivation to go further. My mom’s always busy with her work. I hate her job – it’s stupid and it annoys me because she doesn’t even look after my two-year-old brother properly and I have to do it and I hate it (but I love my baby brother). My mom doesn’t even take interest in my work or the stuff I like; she looks down upon it. I like creative things like drawing or writing, but they’ve never seen them (except my dad who accidently read a poem I wrote, but he called it a stupid rhyme, which hurt me a lot because I pour my heart and soul in to my poems and songs, and I write them whenever I want to cut, but they’ve become darker and more insane-sounding. I don’t know what to do because I can’t feel anything and my life at home is a lie. I have to fake everything because, if I don’t, bad things will happen. I need some advice!

Oh BVB Army!

I’m very glad you wrote me, more than I can say.  But at the same time, I might make you feel bad about it because I have to tell you, my heart HURTS from reading this!  It’s like someone stuck a couple of knives into it.  This letter is so sad, and so frustrating, and so frightening.

So why am I telling you this?  Because my dear friend, you are stuck in a place where you aren’t able to realize how much you matter to others.  Your parents might be doing a rotten job of parenting right now, but I’ll bet they care more about you than even they realize.  And that friend who saved you when you took those pills?  That friend LOVES you.  And so do those other ones you sneak out to see.  You matter a LOT to them.  You’re in their hearts, just as your letter got you into mine.

And so I am sitting up and BEGGING you, BVB Army, to never ever ever try something like that overdosing again.  You have no idea how many people you have who would be devastated by it.  I mean, truly, it would be the worst experience they’ve ever known.  And they’d never get over it.

Now I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty.  I just want you to realize how, even when your parents are being complete boneheads, you matter.  In fact, their behavior only tells me about them, and not about you at all.

So I know you’ve taken my advice before about trying to speak to them, get conversations going, and you say that simply didn’t work (it even made things worse).  Okay, then I want you to do something else.  I want you to Continue reading

0 Is it okay to get an instrument and not take lessons?

Doglover101 asks: I’ve been wanting to play either the guitar or piano for a bit and have asked my mom to buy one of them or check them out in a music store. We might be going on Monday but here’s the problem… My mom would let me get one of them but always says that I’d have to go to lessons. I don’t want to play professionally or go to lessons, I want to do it for fun… But my mother won’t let me. Help?

Hi Doglover101 –

This is a tough one, and I’m on both your sides on this one. Not that you shouldn’t have fun, but… Let me try talking about it in terms of my favorite subject, dogs.

Every day, kids around the world say they want a puppy. And most parents say that’d be fine, but that they would need to do lots of chores (walking, cleaning up, grooming, training), and suddenly that bundle of loving fun sounds like a ton of work.

Then, very often, the kids agree, and the parents go to a pound or shelter or breeder or store, and get a puppy, and the whole family falls in love with the little nibbler at first sight. All is wonderful… at first. But then all those chores start having to be done – but they’re not. The puppy isn’t walked, so it messes up the house. He isn’t trained, so he chews up valuable stuff. She isn’t groomed so there’s hair everywhere… and bit by bit, instead of being what everyone loves, the puppy becomes an annoyance. The parents threaten to give little Buttonface away if the kids don’t start doing what they said, the kids forget, the parents give the pup back to where they got it, and everyone is resentful and miserable.

Now, of course I’m not comparing a wooden box with strings to a living breathing loving puppy. But often the same sort of thing happens – a guitar or piano seem so fun and cool at first, and they make all sorts of noise, and you can figure out how to play some songs you like… but then the novelty wears off. And as with any other toy or game, you lose interest in it.

But the difference between a piano and a toy is that a piano costs hundreds of times more (and a good guitar is also worth a lot).

So I definitely understand why your mom doesn’t want to spend all that money if you’re not going to devote yourself to mastering the instrument. But at the same time, how can you know you really want to put all that work in before you get a chance to have the fun with it you’re picturing?

So here’s my thought: Continue reading

0 How to tell when someone likes you but can’t say it

Wolfy asks: I have a friend. He is being really weird lately. Our schedules got changed, and he ended up in two of my classes. We first met last-minute studying for a test, and he got all of them right. We are friends now and we were cool for a while. But then he started kinda ignoring us (me and my group of friends), but still came when I called him over. This was weird because we were working together, but he wasn’t with us as usually. We asked him why, and he said he worked better with the other people because he didn’t really like them. Oddly enough he kept going to them after the work was finished. Well, that stopped. He sticks with us now. Just a few days ago though, he and I were the last two in class (besides the teacher) and he told me he wanted to ask me something. But he noticed that someone forgot their notebook. I looked down the hall and they were gone. Just then a friend I was going home with called me, so I caught up with her. He caught up with me and told me a really weird pointless story. As he walked away I asked him if that was what he wanted to tell me. He said no, and left. The next day I saw him was two days later. So, I asked him about it. He said he had no idea what I was talking about…. sigh. I asked my friends and they said maybe he likes me. He has told me who he likes. Showed me a picture of her even. He knew her before he knew me. I don’t know what to make of him anymore. Any ideas?

Hi Wolfy –

Sadly, as I’ve had to tell so many people, I’m a very smart dog but I’m not psychic.  I have absolutely no idea what is going on with him!  I’m inclined, though, to think your friends might be right.  He might be interested in you for more than studying!

But here’s the tough part – he might not even know it yet!  The teen years are just about the craziest time any human ever goes through, and it sounds like his mind is going in circles at 800 miles an hour.  One moment he just has to tell you something because it’s so important, and later he’s avoiding you or saying (truthfully or not) that he doesn’t even know what it was.

My advice to you is to Continue reading

0 How to do what you love when you feel judged.

DogLover101 asks: When I was really young, in junior infants (1st grade), I wanted to become an artist. But then halfway through 2nd class, I realized that I couldn’t actually draw, paint, or sculpt like real artists do. One of the reasons that I realized that was because this classmate of mine, who HATES my guts, J, is the class’ best artist – and let me tell you he knows, like he really truly knows… He brags about it, but since I hate him I try to have as little eye contact with him as possible. So after that I decided that I wanted to be a Vet because I really loved animals – and of course my mom was happy with this decision because it meant that I would go to College. My excuse throughout the 4 years was that I wanted to be a Vet, but I really didn’t want to go to College to be something I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t enjoy coming to Every. Single. Day. But then after the beautiful Christmas of 2015 my mom bought me…An Art set! It is so professional and the supplies don’t suck… It’s perfect! Of course I tried it out and I love it! Now every time I paint I feel like time stops and it’s just me, my creativity, and my brush. I put all of my paintings up even if they’re not my best work. There’s also this girl K in my class, who follows me and my friends around and tries to fit in. She’s SO annoying; in fact our teacher brought all of the girls in my class up to her desk and said to try to be friends with her. WOAH no! What teacher does that? Anyway she’s also good at Art and surely brags about it as well. And then there’s me…. No one knows that painting is my getaway, nor that it’s my hobby again. They all still think I want to be a Vet. So how do I do this? How do I let people know that I actually am the Art type and kind of be known for it (not in a braggy way)? I’m pretty sure if J and K find out then J will judge me and say I suck while K will either ignore the topic or say it’s good (Too good…). They can draw, but I’m more of a painter and my class does these challenges (for fun) where two people draw against each other, and if I’m challenged to an Art-off, I’m pretty sure I’ll lose and he’ll rub it in my face for the whole year!

Hi Doglover101 –

As you can probably guess, I have a lot to say on this.

First of all, about this girl.  I’m actually on your teacher’s side on this one.  You know, when I was a puppy, I was the most annoying being in the whole world.  Big dogs snapped at me, humans kicked me away, and even Handsome would throw me outdoors for being too much of a pain.  It’s not that I was mean; it’s just that I was so friendly and playful, and so eager for acceptance from everyone, that I did a lousy job of every interaction (or, as Handsome likes to say, “It’s sure a good thing you were so cute then!  That’s the only reason you’re even alive today!”).

I understand she’s annoying, but I’d say to see if there’s a part of her you like.  And if so, befriend that part of her and help her feel more accepted in the class, and see if her annoying parts go away.  (And if they don’t, then you can of course give up on her!).

Then about your thoughts about college.  Even if you become an artist, I really encourage you to consider it.  Even if you take some time off before you go.  It just makes life so much easier for humans these days; and art is a very difficult profession to depend on.  So I’d say to strongly consider pleasing your mom and going to college – even if you end up specializing in Art!  At least you’ll have that achieved.

Okay, now about your art and these other kids.  This will be your future, in any creative endeavor.  There are always self-professed experts in every field.  There are always hangers-on.  There are always others who will tell you you can’t do what you’re trying.

After all, can you imagine what other dogs told me when I said I wanted to do this website?!

So here’s my advice on this.  First of all, Continue reading

0 How to handle a relative with bad manners

jeff asks: I have family in town for the holidays. Everything is going well for the most part, the usual drama. However, my sister who is 43 now does not close the door when she uses the bathroom or wash her hands when she is done. My kids ages 13 & 15 are appalled. I don’t know how to approach my sister without upsetting her. She’s been through a lot the last few years, but this issue MUST be addressed.

Hi Jeff –

I have a GREAT suggestion, but it’s probably too late – which is to get a dog.  We pups absolutely LOVE sniffing around humans when you’re making interesting smells, and your sister would most likely get pretty annoyed by us doing that, and so shut the door!

But if that’s not a possibility, I’d say that the problem here is your Continue reading

0 How to adjust to a changing friendship

LovelyMe asks: I am really exhausted. I’m currently in college and it’s so much work. On top of that, I’ve been having issues lately with my best friend – that I feel like I can’t really call my best friend. I feel like she gets around other people and acts totally different, and that’s not the person I’m used to. Also, she’s really judgmental and that affects me sometimes. I feel like sometimes I can’t be myself, because our beliefs aren’t the same. What really hurt me was the fact that her mom said she didn’t want her to hang around me because I had a girlfriend; it kind of offended me because I’m not gonna make her daughter like girls – this isn’t an contagious disease! Minus that, I feel like the person I’m with is cheating on me because our conversation has become really distant since I went off to college. We’re always arguing and we barely call each other. I feel like I’m not getting any attention while I’m away. I love her so much and I can’t see myself without her. I’m just so exhausted because I feel like I’m going through obstacles in a game, just to prove who I am to people, and being rejected again. Please help me because I have no clue what to do.

Hi LovelyMe –

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But as awful as it is – it’s very normal. Kids have friendships that are inseparable… until they separate. Suddenly, their views and desires for what kinds of adults they want to be send them in different directions. And nothing’s ever quite the same.

It seems like you two are right in that transition now. When you and she are alone, it’s like it used to be, but when other people are around, she acts completely different. And when you’re away at college, conversation is distant, and you feel ignored. Then you have that other element, that her mother is intolerant of your sexuality, which makes things tough for both of you.

There’s no really great solution to this. But my best suggestion is to Continue reading

0 What to do when a parent compliments other kids.

MartyK asks: I’ve been blessed with a nice face according to society. And I was content with it. But today my mom was praising one of my friend’s good looks. To my mom, she’s perfect. I won’t lie. It hurt me. I don’t know why it did. I was insecure about myself for a long time but I was content. I know I’m good-looking but the way my mom talks about her, I don’t think she’ll ever talk about me like that. She says my friend has the potential of modeling and that she has a nice body and skin and hair and has a smart face. I just wish she’d sometimes call me pretty or talk about me like that. After all, I am her daughter. And to me, my mom’s opinion matters a lot. What is your opinion?

Hi MartyK –

Well, as you know, I don’t have a great sense of who’s good-looking or not; I just react to how I see people act. The most attractive human in the world to me, of course, is the one I call Handsome, and I don’t even know what you humans would think of his looks. I’m just crazy about everything about him, and don’t think about it past that. So as far as your looks go, if I met you I’d be absolutely thrilled – but I wouldn’t be able to tell you whether you belong on the cover of Vogue or not. Just not the way a doggy brain works.

But boy do I relate to your question! I’ll be walking along with Handsome, perfectly happy, and he’ll see some scruffy puppy with one ear sticking out, and say “That is the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen!” And I’m just heartsick! I thought I had been the cutest puppy he’d ever seen! What’s going on?!

I think there are three possibilities. And it could be one of them, or two, or all three.

First, sometimes our parents (or human companions) are a little Continue reading