Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to meet someone for a blind date

Reena asks: I met a guy around a year back on a dating site. I had just broken up back then and so registered on that site to divert my mind. All this while we used to chat online sometimes, he was like a platonic friend. He asked a few times to meet but I always declined for various reasons. Mostly because we have nothing in common and I felt no connection or chemistry. Also because there was this on again off again thing going on with my ex, so we had not completely separated despite the break up. My question is, Is meeting this new guy worth it ? Because back then when I had broken up, he had asked to meet. I told him I am dating someone. To which he replied, “Don’t tell your boyfriend that you’re coming to meet me.” I told him I’m sorry and I can’t do that. Secondly, instead of asking to hangout and just chill or a lunch or dinner together or a movie, this new guy asks me to come home. Mind you, we’ve never met before. I asked him why he wants me to come home. He said he “wants to cuddle”. I mean, sounds like a guy looking for a Friends with Benefits and not the whole getting to know you and let’s see where it goes thing. I asked advice from a guy friend yesterday about this because I am confused these past days, whether I should give it a chance or no. My friend advised me to test him by asking him to meet outside rather than at home. So I asked this online guy if we could meet out first. I was 110 % sure he’d say no. But he said yes. I don’t want to be mean because I do believe in giving people at least one chance. But he has already shown me who he is. Doesn’t sound like a guy who believes in loyalty or someone looking for something genuine. However I don’t want to be too judgmental about it or assume anything. What should I do ?? Go meet him once or simply delete his number??

Hi Reena –

Okay, so you’re dealing with two issues here.   One is how to treat this guy – does he deserve to be treated one way or another.  And the other is how to treat yourself.  And I care way more about the second than the first, though the first is important too.

One thing I like about this guy is that he seems to be speaking honestly to you (even when he’s asking you to lie!). He didn’t pretend that he didn’t want to get physical on the first date, and I respect that. And since you did ask him if he’d meet outside, it feels a bit unfair for you to now refuse to meet him at all.

BUT…

The truth is, we don’t know anything about him. He might be exactly the way he described himself, and he might be a 45-year-old with an axe. We don’t know. So my advice isn’t just about this guy, but with any blind date you have for the rest of your life, I want you to Continue reading

0 What is the meaning of life?

Wooff Asks: Recently, my life has been going very smooth. My anxiety is pretty much gone but then again, there are days when I feel like I have difficulty communicating with others and I have difficulty breathing. But those days are rare now. My question isn’t really just a question. It’s something maybe you can’t even help me out on. What is the purpose of this life? You can tell me that it’s to be kind, to be granted a space in heaven. But what is it all for? I try not to think of the future much because staying in the present is better. But I wonder, what is the end goal? And why can’t I just have stayed 10? Like, I really miss the times I spent back when I was a kid. When I didn’t have to think if there was any purpose to life or what I’m doing here. To just wake up, watch cartoons and have breakfast. I didn’t have to think that I needed exercise because I loved myself the way I was. When I didn’t have to will myself to take a morning stroll. I understand death, I understand why we have to die but I don’t understand why we live? Why is life ever changing and why are we? In my recent course of life, I’m trying to be more humble. Whenever I have a fight with anyone, I try to apologize. Despite it being my fault or not. And I try not to see any fault anymore and I like it. To be honest, I like my life but I don’t know why I’m living it. Do you understand?

Hi Wooff!

Your question can be answered in two different ways. One of them is in an area where I’m a complete expert, and the other is an area where I can’t even pretend to have any knowledge at all.

I’ll start with the second. Over time, most humans have believed in religions. And one thing religions offer is explanations of what the meaning and purpose of human lives are. Maybe it’s to behave in a way that pleases God. Maybe it’s to do acts that increase the power of God or some gods. Maybe it’s to learn lessons that will set you up to be better in your next life. Maybe it’s to do whatever it takes to get into Heaven.

Well, Wooff, I am a dog. And can’t remotely agree or disagree with any of those. And if you should develop a belief in any of those, I won’t be able to say you’re right or wrong.

But then there’s that other area. And that is the question of how to find meaning in your own life. And that is what I know about more than anything. And my answer is one word: Continue reading

0 Is it wrong to date an adult while you are a teenager?

lovergirl asks: Is it wrong to date a 20-year-old guy while you are 14?

Hi lovergirl –

I have many thoughts on this, but lots of them depend on defining the words you used.

For example, when you say “date,” do you mean “hang out with?”  If so, then there’s probably no problem with it.  But if you mean “get romantically involved with,” I’d ask you what it is about him that draws him to someone so much younger than he is.  I’ve known lots of couples who were six years apart, or way more, but that’s a lot less time when you’re 30 than when you’re 14.  I mean, if he turns 21 before she turns 15, he’ll be half her age older than her!  So I’d be concerned, but not necessarily say it’s impossible.

But now we get to that other word, which is “wrong.”  Do you mean “against the rules?”  Well, nothing I said above is against any rules, but if that 20-year-old is thinking of getting  Continue reading

0 How to get out of having done a secret prank on a friend

azraspahic_ asks – So it’s 2 weeks before April Fools, and I decided to do a harmless prank on my friend of slipping notes in her locker. But she told the principal and then told me. I don’t want to get suspended over a harmless joke! What do I do? I have not told her I was the one who slipped the notes. I printed one out as well and said, “oh see this is the one I got” and she believed it! What should I do?

Hi azraspahic_ –

Ooooh do I relate to this!  My pranks are usually more along the lines of stealing food off a person’s plate, but I know how awful it can feel to get caught, especially when the punishment seems like it’s so much bigger than the little joke you pulled!  (I mean, come on, did that guest really want that steak that badly?!!)

The nice part is that you do have a way out of this, if you want – which is to simply say nothing, and let the issue go away.  If you can feel okay about doing that, it really won’t cause any harm.  It’s true that you lied about getting the note yourself, but it’s a harmless lie, and your friend won’t be any worse off for it.

But, like me, you do have a conscience, so I can understand if you find it hard to just do that.  So there are a few other thoughts that hit me:

One is to Continue reading

0 How to step-parent in a home with conflict

Johan-dad asks: Hello. I’m married, 2nd marriage, to a beautiful lady I’ll call C. She’s got just as beautiful little girl, M. I’ve been in C and M’s life for the past 3 1/2 years and we’ve been married now for just over 1 year. M, my stepdaughter that I love like my own, is 5 years old. C and M have this love-hate relationship, and I’m saying that because one minute they can love each other to bits and the next they scream and shout at each other like hateful teenagers. My question is not that simple, but I’m going to try and break it down to simplify. M sleeps in our bed as she refuses to sleep in her bed. Mom is saying that she doesn’t want to fight at night getting M to bed so she rather give M what she wants to keep the peace. However, when it’s long past sleeping time, M is still awake and mom is then fighting and screaming at M to sleep. I feel that the fighting and screaming at night is worse than telling the child to go to bed and letting her cry in her bed until she falls asleep, because she will learn to after a while. Unfortunately this is not an option and I’ve been told that I should stay out of their fights and mind my own business. If I do make mention of the fact that I feel it is wrong, then mom goes and sleeps in M’s bed and returns to ours during the night, and the next day all I hear is how bad it is sleeping in M’s bed. Now this is just one example and there is a lot more, but I would like to know what is my right as a step-parent and how do I deal with this. If my wife is unable to discipline, and I’m not talking about giving hidings or verbally abusing the child, how do I intervene and what is my responsibility? I feel that our, my wife and I, relationship is taking a big knock because of the fact that mom either fights with the child like she is her enemy or she gives the child her way to avoid a fight and I am sitting on the sideline seeing how they destroy each other and I can not do anything about it. My wife has even mentioned it that she considered to kill herself because she can’t handle M and life, but still she doesn’t want to allow me in that circle to help her. I don’t know what part of parenting is “allowed” from a stepparent’s perspective, and what should I do as a husband to get my wife to understand that I am not the enemy but can assist her if she allows me. I always try to be calm and not get involved too much, but sometimes I’ll come in the crossfire unwillingly. Please help me to understand my role where two people I love are falling into this pit and it feels like my hands are cut off.

Hi Johan-dad –

There are those who will tell you that you’re in a very common position for a step-parent.  But I’ll tell you, you’re in an even more common place for a DOG!  This is exactly the position we find ourselves in all the time – we love everyone in the home, they’re fighting, and we want to jump in and do something to stop it, but whenever we try, they yell at us and throw us out the back door!

My solution to this is simple: I write this website. After years of being frustrated with no one paying attention to my thoughts on the matter, I’m now able to get people all over the world to listen to me, and it looks like, a lot of the time, I’m able to help.

But that doesn’t change how people treat me when we’re together.  Then I’m still just a dumb old dog, or maybe they see me as vicious because I’m barking at them… and out I get tossed.

And the truth is, in this case of yours, they’re right: this is between them, and you don’t get to have a say in it.

But I’m not suggesting you give up.  I’m just saying you’re too close to them to be the one to take charge.

What this really looks like is a situation where your wife has spent five years mostly doing whatever her daughter wanted, or expressed she needed.  Which is, of course, a lot better than being cruel, abusive, or neglectful.  But it’s created a situation where your stepdaughter has learned to go after what she wants by demanding and crying.  It’s very similar to an untrained puppy who whines all night till someone lets her out of her crate and onto the family bed (where they’d sworn she’d never be allowed).

And what you need is a good Continue reading

0 How to work out issues between your boyfriend and your parents.

Confused Asks: So, I’m not allowed to date. However, I didn’t listen and I am dating my current boyfriend. My dad said that it’s okay that we like each other, but nothing serious can happen until I’m 17. I’m about to be 15. He makes me happy, and just makes me a better person in general. However, because I’m not allowed to date, I can’t hang out with him alone; we have to hang out with friends. The problem is, I’m not friends with any guys that he knows. We both came from the same middle school, so it was easy to hang out; some of my friends would go, and some of his friends would go. We all knew each other. However, now that we’re in different high schools, things have changed. He doesn’t want to meet up if it’s just my friends and me (because he would be the only guy). And my dad wouldn’t like me to hang out with just him and his friends. The thing that’s so hard about this is that my dad barely knows my boyfriend. I previously went to a catholic school from Kindergarten all the way until 8th grade, but we moved to a different building in the 6th grade. Because of this, my parents aren’t really familiar with any of my friends that I made past the 6th grade. My boyfriend came in 7th grade. I feel like if he had been in the school longer, my parents would be okay with me hanging out with him and his friends. Also, I take school very seriously, and I put it before anything. I’m on the swim team and I’m in a lot of different clubs/programs, so it’s really hard to balance school with family and with him. I haven’t been giving him as much attention as I used to; we barely get to talk now. When we do talk, 70% of the time we’re arguing. Recently, he told me that he doesn’t want to be together anymore because I’m not giving him enough attention. (I used to text him 27/4, but recently my schoolwork and clubs haven’t been giving me enough time to spend all day texting him. We also used to hang out before we went to high school, but now our circles of friends are different. Now we barely hang out, too. I also never get to FaceTime/call him nowadays. So now he feels like I stopped giving him attention.) I told him that I can change and find a way to give him more attention. But the truth is, I’m not sure how. I was going to try to talk to my mom and get her to let my dad let me hang out with him alone, but I highly doubt that would work. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

So I’m seeing one solution to both your problems.  At least a bit of one.  Now maybe this idea is awful, but just in case…

Why not set up a time for your parents and your boyfriend and you to get together?  Why not all four of you hang out?

Your family could have him over for dinner, or the four of you could meet at a restaurant.  This would give your boyfriend a chance to show himself to your parents at his best, give them a chance to see him as a person (and not just as some ghostly figure their wonderful beloved daughter runs off with into the night!), and give you a chance to show your boyfriend how important he is to you!

Maybe this needs to happen more than once.

Then, if it goes well, your dad will have a better sense of this guy.  And if your boyfriend did his job and made a good impression, your dad will likely relax a little about the time you two spend together.

But don’t expect too much!  Handsome loves to tell about his girlfriend from high school, whose Continue reading

0 How to work out social problems at school.

3Valentina3 asks: At school I feel like such an outsider. Or like an extra (like in the movies). I also don’t have the courage to tell my friend G that I don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t know what to do and I’m feeling so upset. I would tell my mom but she wouldn’t understand and she would say something like, “just focus on school – you’re not there to make friends”. But if she understood then it would mean the world to me! How can I tell her what’s going on?

Hi 3Valentina3 –

Really, you’re asking me three questions. They’re all tied up together, but you’re trying to juggle three problems at once. And I relate to your difficulty with this – the best I’ve ever done with juggling is to have a tennis ball in my mouth and throw it up in the air and catch it. Once.

So let’s try to make it easier by splitting it into three parts.

First, you’re feeling like an extra at school. This is COMPLETELY normal. I know it doesn’t look like it, but every kid and teen goes through feeling this. If someone’s popular, they feel like they’re not being seen for who they are, and can’t express themselves. If they’re not popular, they feel unseen at all, and unheard, no matter what they say.  And everyone, at times, feels misunderstood.

I’m not saying this to say it’s not a big deal; it’s gigantic. It’s a horrible feeling, I know. It’s like the way I feel when I’m locked in a cage at the veterinarian’s office – there’s nothing I can do, I feel abandoned by everyone I trusted, and I’m scared to death!

But the good news is just Continue reading

0 How to make friends when you have anxiety from being mistreated your whole life.

Roma asks: I am not part of a very good family relationship. My mother lost custody of me last year and I’ve been devastated ever since. I seem to have these breakdowns and anxiety every couple days or even more often than that. I have a decent life outside of home, but my grades aren’t great because I have no one who helps me with my homework. I get by with the whole homework situation fairly easily on my own, but now I seem to miss at least two homework or classwork assignments every single day. And I don’t even know the rules of my own school because when I started the school, my grandparents, whom I live with, just tossed the information we were given without acknowledging it. I intend to learn them, but am afraid to ask anyone what they are. I have ADHD and ADD and my hearing and sight are very bad. However, only my eyesight has even been thought about by my grandparents. I suffer from bad re-flux as well, and as you have probably guessed, they don’t care at all. But anyway, the question is: we have a field trip in May and my anxiety is so bad that I start hyperventilating at the thought of just about anything. The field trip is to the mountains. We’ll have fun I’m sure, but how do I prevent or reduce the effects of these serious breakdowns? I’ll be with thirty other sixth-graders, only three of them being my friends, and we are there for a week, 500 miles from where I live. I just don’t know what to do.

Hi Roma –

My friend, you are going through a LOT.  I know, no one ever said life was supposed to be fair, but your situation is simply UNfair.  I don’t know what your mom did or didn’t do to lose custody of you, but whatever it was was unfair to you.  The fact that your father is so not in the picture that you didn’t even mention him here is unfair to you.  And the fact that your grandparents – who at least are qualified enough to keep you – aren’t paying attention to everything you’re dealing with… is unfair too.

Then there are the other issues – the ADHD and ADD, the hearing, the eyesight, the reflux… and all this is SO unfair.

Which is all going to make my answer to your question sound weird, or even unfeeling.  Because I’m going to tell you to Continue reading

0 How to get a child to be willing to sleep alone.

Linda asks: Hello Shirelle, My questions have to do with my little granddaughter . She will be 4 years old soon and I am concerned about her emotional development. All of her short life she has not slept in her own bed not once. Her father and mother never married and are now separated. She lives with her mother who is a very good mommy. My concern though is that she is not allowed to sleep alone in her own bed in fact her mom never used the crib or even converted it to the youth bed for her. She has no bed of her own at all. She can’t sleep by herself even when she visits her dad who has provided her with her own room and bed. When she visits me overnight she needs to have me right there with her. She has severe separation anxiety regarding her mother but as soon her mom leaves to work or out the door she’s calmed down. I sense something is not right but I am not sure. Is all this just normal?

Hi Linda –

When Handsome first brought me home, he read every book he could find about raising puppies.  And while they had lots of different advice, one thing they all agreed on was that humans shouldn’t let puppies sleep on their beds, as it just creates problems.  But Handsome didn’t follow that rule.  He understood the problems they were concerned about, but he wanted his dog to sleep on his bed; he liked the idea of us cuddling up together at night.

And it’s been great, for both of us.  But the only reason it’s been good is that he never wanted me to stop sleeping there.  If he had, that could have gotten really difficult.

The problem your daughter has created is that, like me, her daughter is used to falling asleep next to an adult human.  And she doesn’t know how to sleep by herself.

As with a dog, this is a problem, but not a giant one.  What needs to happen – someday – is that Continue reading

0 Is it wrong to go out with a boy you just like, when you still have a crush on someone who rejected you?

Sonia asks: Hi just so you know, I have gotten over that boy I asked you about months ago! And also I am not the kind of girl who goes after any guy they see. Anyway back to the subject, basically I have had a crush on a sweet guy for about 4 and a half months and we are pretty close, but someone found out I liked him and told him (I had a HUGE breakdown!) And anyway I have the feeling that he isn’t gonna ever like me since my friends and him were talking and he said he only liked me as a friend and I’m happy with that but for some reason I just always get jealous when he seems more interested in my friend than me. But the strange part is I met my friend’s brother a few weeks back and yesterday I slept over at her house and hanged out with him, he was really cute sweet and reminded me of my old crush, and HE genuinely seemed interested in me and I have the feeling I’m falling for him and I don’t know what to do, try and become closer with my crush or become close with someone who I really like and even seem to have a better chance of liking than my crush will ever have of liking me?

Hi Sonia –

As I read this, it takes me back to my days in the pound, when I had been there longer than was supposed to be allowed (an employee there had been so nice as to hide my information from her boss, to keep me alive longer!).  Every few minutes, people would walk in and look at me, and all the other dogs there.  Some of them looked nice, and some smelled just terrific.  Eventually, one of them asked to take me out of the cage, and played with me a little.  I jumped on him, licked him, chewed on his finger… we had a great time.  And after a bit, he decided to take me home.  Which is where I’ve lived ever since.

Now I want you to try to imagine me, instead of licking him and playing with him, being standoffish.  Saying “I’m not so sure I want this one to take me.  I liked that other one, the one who was here yesterday morning and bought the Labrador.  She was better.”  What would have happened?

I know the answer!  Handsome would have said “Oh, she’s not what I thought she’d be like,” put me back in the cage, and taken another dog home – one who liked him better.  And I would have been taken, within a couple of days, down the hallway, through the door, to the room from which no puppies ever return.

Now your fate isn’t quite as frightening as mine, but to my mind, you’re in the same situation.  A boy you like tons isn’t interested in you, and actually is interested in some other girl.  A boy you like, but maybe not quite as much, is interested in you.  So you’re not sure what to do.

My advice is 100% GO OUT WITH HIM!  See how he treats you.  And if he’s nice, and fun, and treats you well, you’re going to like him more and more!  I promise!

Now if he doesn’t treat you so well, or if he’s a crashing bore, then yes, you may start thinking about Boy #1 again.  But as long as he’s good, I believe you’ll start to feel he’s actually great – very soon!

Best of Luck!  Let me know what happens!

Shirelle