Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 Why would my boyfriend push me away when his life is difficult?

JuicyBest asks: My boyfriend has been having issues recently with his career, and his family angered him real bad.  I called to calm him down, but he answered me in a way I didn’t like.  I messaged him and said I pray he looks back one day and realizes he has a girlfriend that cares, but he replied that he’s not afraid of losing me.  Please, what does he mean by that?!

Hi JuicyBest –

I’m really sorry you have to go through this.  And I’m just as sorry for what he’s going through.  I don’t mean his career and family issues – I’m talking about something else.

Your boyfriend’s sounding to me like he’s going through a real depression.  Feeling low, angry, and out of touch with his own feelings about anything.  Everyone goes through these at times, but I’m seeing this everywhere lately, due to the pandemic lockdowns going on so much longer than anyone imagined.

When a person’s depressed, they’ll have other signs of it (not sleeping, or sleeping too much; sitting around not doing anything; etc.), but having job problems, and getting angry more easily than usual (even if it’s for perfectly valid reasons), are two of them. 

And one funny thing about depression is that it kind of likes to hold on to a person.  It whispers into their ear “I’m correct, so don’t let anyone talk you out of listening to me!”  And so, when you tried to calm him down, to make him feel better, Depression told him to push you away!  And then, when you reminded him that you care, Depression yelled louder “YOU DON’T NEED HER!  YOU JUST NEED ME!  TELL HER TO GO SNIFF A FIRE HYDRANT!!!” 

The really weird part of all this is that the reason he needed to push you away like that is because you matter to him.  If you didn’t, Depression might have suggested “Oh just be polite so she stops talking about this.” 

(Now I need to add, though you haven’t given me any reason to think this is the case, that addictions will do the same thing as Depression, just what I’ve been describing.  And if, say, he’s been drinking too much, it could be Alcohol whispering those same things into his ear.  In fact, addictive substances are often a way one tries to deal with Depression.  But in the long term using them for that always just make things worse.)

So the giant question here is what you should do.  And I don’t really have a good answer – it’s up to you.  Maybe you want to keep trying – to simply insist to him that he has a wonderful girlfriend who’s there for him and wants to help.  Maybe you want to step back but still be there for him when he’s ready to want you again.  And maybe you need to let him go, feeling that you deserve better than someone who doesn’t appreciate you.  Any of those might be the right thing to do, and that’s fully your decision.

The one thing I want you not to do, though, is to believe that you’re not lovable or wantable.  He’s going through a very bad phase, and that’s what’s making him push you away.  And nothing else.

Best of luck, whatever you choose!

Shirelle

0 Should one keep trying to get someone who’s married?

Laura asks:

I am in a relationship with a married man. He is very caring and we found a true love between us. He confirmed that he will divorce his wife and come to me and marry me. He in fact tried that several times, but his wife is not ready to divorce. Also his mother is not happy about him getting married to a new girl. I convinced him that that this is possible and nothing wrong, because he was not happy with his married life. Also we planned many things about our future. He takes care of me and he is very loving. But recently, he has gotten very influenced by his family and said he felt that this might not work. So he asked me to end this relationship and he is asking me to get married to another guy so that my future will be better and I don’t have to live a dark life. But I feel very heartbroken, because, all this while we were thinking of starting a life together to live happily, but now he is trying to get separated from me and it hurts. I agreed for separation, but still I am unable to leave him. I want him back. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure him to leave his family. I want him to consider me as a priority and start a happy life with me. Is there any possibility, and what would be your advice?

Hi Laura –

I am horribly sorry for you going through this.  I know it’s very difficult, as I’ve seen others struggle with similar situations.

I fully respect the institution of marriage (after all, I’m in a licensed relationship with someone myself!), but I do understand that sometimes marriages don’t work out, and people need to move on.  And I certainly understand how a good person could fall in love with a married person, or a married person could fall in love with someone other than their spouse.

But I don’t like affairs.  And here’s why – EXACTLY what you’re going through.  He may be fully sincere in his confusion and difficulty, but you’re the one who’s stuck alone most of the time.  When he’s having good times with his family, you’re home feeling crummy. 

My advice to people considering an affair is to wait until the married one leaves their spouse.  Even if they’re not legally divorced yet, they’ve shown they’re willing and able to take that step.

Your guy hasn’t done that.

And now he’s even telling you you should move on.  Because he doesn’t care about you?  No, I don’t think so.  I think it’s because you finding someone else would take away the guilt he’s experiencing because of dragging you into this.

And I don’t see any solution to this.  You say, very appropriately, that you want him to leave her because you’re his priority, not because you’ve manipulated him into it.  That’s great.  But he has shown you just what his priority is – staying with her, pleasing his family, being cautious.

That’s his right.

So your job is to do whatever it takes to move on from this.  If that means not speaking to him for a while, then do it.  If that means dating ten guys, that’s okay too (but please please PLEASE keep yourself safe from this awful virus!).  And if that means eating ten boxes of ice cream, then that’s okay too.

You’ve had an adventure, a beautiful romantic fantasy.  But it’s ending.  He’s going to be okay, as he’s showing.  All that matters now is what happens with you.

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t love him for the rest of your life; I imagine he’ll feel just that way about you.  But this is your life, and you deserve more adventures, and a love that’s all yours.

Get through this now.  A new, better, world awaits you when you’re done.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to cut off contact with an ex who’s reaching out?

AayuTheLegend asks: I’m contacting you today to tell you that recently my ex, who publicly insulted me and dumped for the dumbest reasons ever, has tried messaging me, calling me, DMing me on Instagram.  I ignored it until I was fed up because it had been a week of getting these messages, so I finally picked up a call after declining 5 times and she said “sorry.” I don’t know why, but hearing that word just triggered me and I scolded her and cut off the call… I haven’t gotten a call since but I think I did “too much.”

What’s your opinion?

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Usually I’m all for being kind and polite.  So I love that you’re worried you might have done too much.

But I don’t think you did.

Here’s the deal.  First, she’s your ex, who insulted you in public and dumped you stupidly.

Second, she basically stalked you, not letting you take the space you clearly wanted, to the point of harassment.

And third, she hit you with “Sorry,” which sounds to me like “Oh you need to forgive me,” instead of finding out what you were feeling.

So you have all three of those reasons to be annoyed with her, and all three of those behaviors to stop in her.

And being too sweet wasn’t going to do it.

What you needed to do was to make it clear to her that none of these behaviors was going to work.  And you did it.

And the behaviors have stopped.

So what’s to feel bad about?

Now there may come a day in the future when you and she talk, and you feel like apologizing to her for being so abrupt with her, while she apologizes to you for the insults, breakup, and stalking.  Fine, I’m all for all that.

But for now, you’ve set a clear boundary, that you don’t want to be treated like this.  And to me, that’s that’s … um …   Legendary!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do about a girl who’s hitting on your boyfriend

Blessing Special asks:

There’s this girl that has been disturbing my boyfriend. He told me all about her. She even ruined our dinner one time with her call, for which my boyfriend was mad at her.  He pleaded with me and we were cool, but I told him am not comfortable with her calls. But he keeps saying that he isn’t talking to her any more and he muted her on WhatsApp. Now my question to him was why can’t you block her since she got your number from your cousin and she’s disturbing you even when she knows that you have a girlfriend? She’s still throwing passes at you. He then said that he couldn’t block her because she’s his cousin’s friend and that his cousin will feel bad. So my feelings doesn’t matter, but that of your cousin whose friend is disturbing our peace does? She keeps sending him dirty voice notes and trashy chat.  I am not comfortable at all.

Hi Blessing Special –

Oh WOW do I relate!  Handsome is WAY too friendly with other puppies, and I get super-jealous.  But this is especially so because she’s doing this when you’re there, and of course you’re offended.

I do understand your boyfriend wanting to be nice to her for his cousin’s sake, but you’re right – the cousin’s feelings shouldn’t come before yours.

So I have an idea.  Maybe it’ll work, maybe not, but if your boyfriend is in agreement…

What if, the next time she calls when you’re together, he answers, but then says “Hey I’m sorry I can’t talk right now, but can you talk to Blessing Special?”  And hands you the phone.

Maybe she’ll hang up right away, maybe she’ll be rude to you, or maybe she’ll be really nice to you.  I don’t know.  But the statement he’ll be making will be clear – that you’re the one who matters, and if she wants to deal with him, she’s dealing with the two of you.  And that’s the message she needs to hear, and the message you need him to give.

Once she knows he’s on your side, I imagine these stupid calls will stop.  So if you talk with her, you don’t need to be mean.  Just pretend to be ignorant, “Oh hello, who’s this?  Oh how do you know Ingmar (or whatever your boyfriend’s name is)?  Oh yes, I know that cousin, he’s great!” etc.

What do you think?  Can it work?

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone breaks up with you but wants to keep talking as friends

Aditya23 asks:  I’m a 17 year old boy with an 18 year old girlfriend. We’ve been dating three years now and our love has transformed from a childhood to a serious post teenage love. I really love her and want her in my life. She’s a bit childish and I love her like that. A few days ago I was with my dad and watching tv when she called me. I ignored the call and texted “I’m with my dad will call you in 5.” She kept calling again and again and when I finally picked up I told her (not in calm voice but not shouting too) “I told you I’m with my father, can’t you wait for a while.” She hung up and after few times the fight was sorted by simple sorry from both sides. Yesterday we had a small argument again, and after that she said she doesn’t love me like she used to before. The day I shouted on her left a negative impact on her and our love, and she wants to break up. She said she loves me but not like our love was before. She’s still constantly texting me and saying that we can still be friends. We had this breakup conversation at noon yesterday and since then she’s constantly calling me and asking me to talk – but not as a boyfriend anymore, just as a best friend. She’s still afraid of me shouting again and saying she never wants to date me again, as she has stopped feeling like dating me. I love her very much and I gave her time to relax and think, but she wants to talk to me but not as a boyfriend anymore. I really apologized for that day, but she’s saying she has stopped feeling that for me. I want her back in my life. Please help.

Hi Aditya23 –

I understand this very well, from both sides.  I have befriended dogs and humans, and at some point barked or even snapped at them, and then let them know all was fine, but they were angry or frightened, so much that we couldn’t become friends.

And I’ve also been with someone who scared me so badly that, no matter how nice they were to me afterwards, I couldn’t be as close or playful with them as before. 

So I get it.

But there’s one thing I haven’t done, in this situation.  I haven’t ever been so scared of someone I couldn’t bear to be with them, and then spent all my time reaching out to them and telling them over and over that I was keeping distant. 

That is something different!

And that behavior, her reaching out to you over and over to tell you that she just wants to be friends, makes me pretty optimistic for you!

It reminds me of a situation some years back.  Handsome, my human, was dating a wonderful woman with a cute five-year-old daughter, who adored me and called me “The Bestest Dog in the World!”  (Even Handsome had never called me that!)  She’d always wanted a father, and thought Handsome would make a very good one.  She actually wanted to tell people that he was her father.  But she knew she couldn’t do that.  So instead she would tell them that he wasn’t!.  Now that wasn’t a big problem if she was talking to her mommy’s friends, but when she started going up to strangers in parks saying “That man is not my father!” her mom had to stop her before someone called the police!

And your girlfriend is doing the same thing as that little girl.  If she’d really just felt she wanted to be friends and nothing more, she’d have said so and then acted more distantly from you.  Instead, she’d be avoiding you, and when you called her, trying to be extra-distant.

But she may not realize she’s doing this, any more than that little girl knew she almost put my guy in prison as a kidnapper!  And I think the reason she’s behaving this way is because she is so attached to you that she’s frightened – if someone she didn’t care much about yelled at her she might be fine, but I think she’s scared you’re beginning to reveal your true self to her.

So here’s my advice.  Accept her ‘friendship.’  Give her the space she needs.  But every time you talk, tell her again how sorry you are about what happened.  And even better, tell her that you’re working on yourself to make sure that you never do anything like that again to anyone.  That you’re talking to people about why you might have blown up that way, and how to control angry outbursts in the future.

And what you’ll really be doing is telling the frightened part of her that you are more trustworthy than anyone else she knows.  That anyone can blow up accidentally, but you are taking control of it.

You see, that’s the part of her you’re working on. Trying to get it to calm down and stop fearing you so much.

I don’t know how long that will take.  A week, a month, longer?  But she will learn to trust you if you keep it up.

And what to do then?  Well, I’d say to see where you two are then.  Will it have taken so long that you’ve lost interest in her?  Or will she have found a new boyfriend?

Or will you two both miss each other so much, and feel even more for each other than you did before, and collapse into each other’s arms in complete joy!

I don’t know.  But I do know that right now, trust is the only issue that matters.  And anything you can do to convince her you’re worthy of her trust is just what she needs.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is driving you crazy with mixed signals

Blessing Special asks:

Once I told you about my boyfriend tracking my phone and seeing some chat he didn’t like and the ones he misunderstood.  Then, after like a week we weren’t on good terms after, we talked about everything and tried to resolve the issue.  But I noticed that ever since that period, my boyfriend always tries to find out what’s going on in my life without asking questions directly. Rather he would prefer using other means to get what he wants. I haven’t found it funny when he keeps using my pass to talk to me like I was nothing good. I told him once that I do not like him talking to me using my past to make it look like I was trash. I’d rather he should be plain to me and tell me if there’s something he would like to know, that he would like me to do or stop. But still he hasn’t stopped and when I tell him that I do not like these things he acts like he owes me no explanation or apology and he’s ready to stay without checking on for as long as I feel bad about it. It’s been 6 days he hasn’t even said a word to me. I try to call his attention to what he did that I didn’t like, but he tells me that I should see it anyway, that he’s not going to explain anything to me. I felt bad about what he said but then I knew he was talking out of anger or something disturbing him, but I still don’t understand why he can’t speak up openly and tell me things he either observes that he doesn’t like or what he expects me to, because I feel like the feeling isn’t mutual, because each time we have issues I always call first. That’s because I don’t stay upset for too long. And also there’s this conversation going on between us because of the lock down. I haven’t gone back to school, so I tried looking for something to do, but the places I went wanted someone stable, so I decided to try selling ladies’ handbags and slippers (I had no cash because my rent was about to expire). I discussed my plans with him, and he even asked for pictures which I sent him, and it’s been like 4 months now he hasn’t said a word about it. So I came up to him to tell him of a friend who was willing to lend me the money to start it up and pay him later, but he wasn’t okay with it, saying the guy might want something in return (me). So I let that go, but then he came up one morning and started beating around the bush, saying we need to talk, that all I do is wake up, chat nasty with him, and want to see his face again. Then he skipped that and went ahead saying some stuff that got me feeling so ashamed of myself, because it was embarrassing. Normally I and my boyfriend talk at length and exchange romantic words. Sometimes he asks for videos I send to him when he travels.  And we do video calls. But then he just came up and started making me feel like I was the only one talking dirty. I’m so confused right now. I want to know what to do and where this is going. I don’t want to jump into conclusions that I might regret or take any unwise decision.

Hi Blessing Special –

            Have you ever heard of the Ivan Pavlov?  He was a brilliant scientist who worked to understand human and animal behavior many years ago.  His most famous experiments involved dogs whom he’d train by giving a treat when they’d get a signal, or a punishment (a slight electrical) shock at others.  He found things like that we’d start to salivate at the sound of that good signal, proof that our bodies react to symbols.  And that he could train us to do certain things by these means.

            But one of the darker results of his experiments was what would happen if he mixed the signals too much.  When he gave the happy signal to dogs and then shocked them, they started to freak out, and literally go mad. 

            And this is what this guy is doing to you.  I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose or not, but to have “naughty” chats and ask for videos of you, and then shame you for them – that’s crazy-making to anyone.  And his whole thing of avoiding telling you what’s actually on his mind, but making you feel you’ve done something wrong – that’s just mean.

            So again, maybe it’s just that this guy is bad at relationships.  Or he’s doing it on purpose to mess with you.  I don’t know.  But I know that I don’t like what’s happening at all, and I want it to end.

            I know you’ve talked with him about it before, but my suggestion is to make it tougher on him – to tell him that this stuff needs to change, and now.  If he refuses, or if he says okay but keeps acting the same way, I hate to say it but my suggestion would be to leave him.  I know you love him, but I don’t want you to end up like one of Pavlov’s dogs, getting put to sleep because you’re incapable of acting rationally.  And that’s just the way he’s sending you!

            All my very very best,

            Shirelle

0 Is it better or worse for families to pick their children’s spouses?

Hi Shirelle,

                 As for the girl I am seeing, it didn’t work out between our families so I am not seeing her now. Sometimes things just feel like the “Super Mario” game. Where you play the whole level just to know at the end that “your queen is in another castle” .  But some things are not in my control to make things work.

                 I just don’t understand, in an arranged marriage, who should be given weightage: the girl or her family.  In this case, her family was too concerned with a lot of things and this behavior my parents didn’t like. So they decided not to continue the process with this family.

                 I don’t know if whatever happened was good or bad.

Sincerely,

Kiran1209

Hi Kiran1209 –

I’m not one to argue for or against the system of arranged marriage.  But the best argument I’ve ever heard for it is that most people become, as they age, more like their parents.  So parents actually have a better sense of whether their kid and someone are right for each other than the two young people do.  

If that’s the case, you may well find, twenty years or so from now, that you’re very glad to be with a woman who shares your values, and that you’re not in that other family (even though you might still like them).  But if you’re an exception to the argument, maybe you’ll always have some resentment that you got paired up with someone more like your parents, and less like this girl you were so fond of.

I have no idea which will happen.  Though I do believe, from everything you say, that your parents’ intention is completely good.  As are her parents’ intentions.

All I can do is wish for you the incredible luck that I had – that my “arranged marriage” that happened when Handsome bought me at the pound, has been the joy of my life, and that I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.  May you find a woman you treasure and feel gratitude for every moment, for the rest of this life and beyond.

That’s not too much to ask, is it?!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do if you broke your family’s rule of not talking with someone

Jerry asks:

            A boy proposed to me but I denied him and talked to him for some time to make him understand why I did. He is a good guy by heart but he had many temporary relationships with many other girls. So after making clear that I can’t talk to him because of my very strict family whom I don’t want to betray, we didn’t talk for almost 1 year.  But now he wished me happy birthday and I talked to him for the whole night. We just talked about our common friends and nothing romantic, but now I’m feeling guilty that I have betrayed my family. I shouldn’t have talked to him for the whole night but I couldn’t stop myself. What do I do to get over this feeling? I also think wonder what that guy is thinking about me.  I said to him “I don’t talk to boys because of my family,” but I talked to him whole night, and he said “I don’t think anything like this about you. I like you and you can talk to me anytime you feel like, without having a concern of what I will think about you. I know that you are a different girl,” but still I’m feeling uncomfortable.

Hi Jerry –

         This is one of those situations where we dogs are at a loss.  Because we don’t have cultures, in the way you humans do, our ideas of right and wrong are much more blunt than yours: it’s mean to hurt someone, it’s wrong to do things that hurt others unless it’s necessary… and that’s about it.  Now in my home, there are other rules – don’t bark early in the morning, don’t get on the couch – but those are just for me, and not something I’d tell others not to do on this website.

         So did you do something wrong by talking to this boy all night?  To my mind, not at all.  After all, what if you’d been on an international flight and chatted with the stranger sitting next to you for hours on end?  Would that make you a bad person, a flawed daughter?

         But if that’s the rule your parents put onto you, then sure, I guess you broke it.  Maybe you need to confess it to them – and maybe not.  It’s not my place to say.

         But you seem especially worried about what this boy will think of you, even though he’s told you the conversation didn’t change his opinion of you at all.  So I’m wondering if there’s more to the story.

         For example, it makes sense that this boy who a) has been interested in you, and b) has more dating history than you, would be a better conversationalist than you’re used to, and probably really enjoyable to talk with for a long time.  Especially during this lockdown, when so many people feel so isolated and lonely!  And I’m wondering if that’s kind of new for you, so you feel there might be something wrong with it (even though it looks as though there really isn’t).

         But also, I’m wondering if, after that fun long call, you’re starting to feel something for him, something you weren’t planning on.  And something that isn’t convenient for you, given that you believe that getting involved with him would be a betrayal to your family.

         So my main suggestion right now is two things:  First, to talk with your parents more, and find out their boundaries.  Would you getting involved with a man who’d dated women in the past be all that bad, as long as you and he followed all the rules, and he made his respect clear to them?  Or would it just be ‘not ideal?’

         And second, for you to spend some time and look into your own heart, and ask if what’s difficult here isn’t more about you starting to like this guy more than before, and not just that you guys talked.

         And maybe these will lead to you starting something new and wonderful with him.  Or, if not, at least you’ll have had a good learning experience – and a really fun long conversation!

         Best,
         Shirelle

0 What to do when your family is pushing you to a profession you don’t want

Tuktuk asks:

I’ve been happy these days and mostly avoiding any negative thoughts, but then suddenly I had a thought that I am not going into the right profession. I am a medical student. I feel like I am not in the right profession because my parents and my family expect a lot out of me. They say there’s no pressure but indirectly I can feel the tension. My mother has said since I was young that she doesn’t compare me with other kids, but indirectly she used to, and I used to feel pressured all the time. I had to be on my best behavior because she was a teacher in my school, and now when I am in college they constantly remind me that I have to be a successful doctor. I get overwhelmed by everyone’s expectations these days and due to this thinking I haven’t been doing anything. My career choice was the only thing I never doubted, and felt that it was my own decision, but now I feel that even that was forced on me indirectly. I feel I have no uniqueness in me. I don’t feel useless but rather tired of everything that’s going on around me and just want to run away. I feel like when I’ll die no one will know me because I couldn’t leave a mark, and was rather like a piece of dirt which goes away when the surface is cleaned.

Hi Tuktuk –

            I have so much to say to this, but let me start with your last sentence.  I believe that you feel this, but I promise you the opposite is the truth.  Even if you stay on exactly the path you’re on right now, you are clearly the focus of your parents’ dreams, and would become someone who would care for, and maybe even save the lives of, hundreds or thousands of people.  I remember when I broke my toe by jumping on the fence to bark at our neighbors.  I was maybe a year old?  But I can tell you everything about that pet emergency hospital, each person who worked on me, and what the needles felt like going in, how kindly they wrapped up my foot (and how frantic Handsome was while waiting for me).  And that was a broken toe – I was maybe there an hour.  You might become a lot more involved in some people’s lives than those professionals were in mine!

            But that’s all about if you stay on the same path.  A path you’re beginning to doubt.

            Don’t get me wrong – I love doctors and believe there’s no more noble profession.  But I also absolutely LOVE that you’re going through this – wherever it leads.

            Here’s what’s going on, my friend.  Your brain is developing in a way it couldn’t when you were even just a year or two younger.  You’re starting to question everything in your life – and that’s the BEST THING YOU CAN DO!  You’re realizing that decisions you believed were your own were actually your parents’. 

            This doesn’t make them villains, at all.  What’s important here is that you’re doing something really important that we dogs can’t do, and about half of people can’t do.  It’s called Metacognition, and means the ability to think about your own thinking.  You are going through a profound reassessment of your whole life so far, that’s going to determine a great deal of your future. 

            I imagine you’ve heard the term “Midlife Crisis.”  This is something that happens to lots of humans around age 40 or so, when they suddenly question everything in their lives, such as their marriages and careers.  How fortunate that you’re doing that NOW! 

            And here’s what’s so important about this – whatever decision you make about your career WILL be yours now.  If you decide to become a professor of Philosophy (which would suit your deep-thinking brain), or a struggling pop singer, or, yes, a doctor – any of those choices will be yours, and you’ll know it!

            But now here’s the bad news.  I can’t help you with your decision.  Not because I don’t have opinions, but because it has to be your decision!  And maybe that’s something you can’t decide right now.  Maybe you need to take some time off of school (if so, this might be a great time to do it, while many of your classes are likely online); maybe you need to travel the world (if so, this is a lousy time to do it, with the border closings and all the fear); or maybe you can stick with your classes for another term while you try to figure things out.

            Have you ever heard of the movie director George Miller?  He was you!  He was the son of proud, hard-working Greek immigrants in Australia, who’d always dreamt that their bright son would become a doctor.  And so he did.  He studied hard, and got his degree, and in his first residency, he worked in an emergency room.  And every night, he’d see people come in with horrible injuries from auto accidents.  And bit by bit, he talked about what these brought to his mind with a friend of his who wanted to produce movies.  And eventually he quit his medical job and they made a violent low-budget film with a bunch of car action.  It was called Mad Max.  Three sequels, many other films and minseries, and Oscar nominations and wins later, he’s pretty happy with his decision.

            Another similar story is of a great cartoonist.  I don’t know if they print Pearls Before Swine where you are, but it’s Handsome’s favorite comic strip these days.  Its creator, Stephan Pastis (hmm… also of Greek heritage) did what he was supposed to do and became a lawyer.  And hated it.  And would sit around bored, doodling little funny images to keep himself amused.  And eventually… well you get the idea.

            And then there’s the other story.  Not of one person but of millions.  Who went into the profession that was chosen for them, experienced just the doubt you’re having, but then found a way to do those jobs that inspired them, gave their lives meaning, and connected directly to their hearts.

            What’s important to me is that you’re asking this question.  Whatever answer you find, your life will be beautifully improved by your having gone through this.

            And, while I’ve got nothing against dirt – I love to roll around in it and track it into our house – whatever you become will, I promise, not be seen as just a speck of it.  You will be amazing.

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when you realize you can’t save your parents’ marriage

Wooff asks: So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be moving out next year. I can avoid looking at the problem straight in the face, but the problem will still continue to exist – especially when it’s not my problem to solve.
I started writing to you when it became clear that my parents did not want to be with each other and I didn’t know what to do. Sadly, well I see it to be sad, they are still together and that was back in 2012. Two individuals who lack harmony within themselves and with each other. For a long time, I thought that suicide was the way out of my situation, then I thought it was love from other people, but as I’m growing older I’ve come to understand that the way out is me. Only I can remove myself from this toxic situation. Well, when my parents were considering getting a divorce, my mom didn’t have much support from her family and my older sister. I was the only one then who wanted them to get a divorce or at least that’s what I know. But like I said, they didn’t. My dad is short-tempered, biased, and not easy to talk to. Whereas my mom is immature at times, seeks validation and has a victim mentality. This is not to say that they don’t have good qualities but I’m not writing this letter to let you know that they are good people – which they are, but in different ways. What I’m trying to say is, they are not a good match. Now for the longest time I thought that I could fix this. But coming back to the beginning of this letter, I’ve realized that it’s not my problem to fix. I see the problem, yet I avoid it, but it continues existing. I thought my suicide would finally shake them enough to be mature and make changes (whatever they may be). Morbidly enough, I do get in that mindset sometimes although it’s very rare now, as I do want to live a good fulfilling life. I don’t want my life to be a sad one. Second came love from other people. As time old tales keep telling you, love cannot fix you or your problems. The problem still exists even if someone loves you or if you love someone else. Finally, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s me. It’s me that needs to get myself out of this situation. The thing that stops me the most is my mom. She’s always been trying to ensure I don’t leave her. I think it’s because she doesn’t want to be left alone with my dad, who she shares no connection with and feels like a slave to as he is the breadwinner. Although I do feel guilty about wanting to leave this situation and move away (to another country which I love, not because of wanting distance), I don’t see any other option. By staying back, I end up giving up on my dreams, staying stuck in this continuous time loop, and may resort back to my old ways. I do think the way out is by actually physically leaving. But I don’t want my mom’s heart and soul to break as I do. I’ve come to the understanding that her life and situation is not and was never my responsibility; it was hers. I try to make her understand that she is the only one who can improve her life and situation, but my mom cannot see out of her ways. So, I can’t but help feeling guilty. I know you’ve been able to find a flaw in my way of thinking before, and I want to know what you think it is. Where my thought pattern is wrong and where it is right. If I’m right or where I am wrong.

Hi Wooff!

Oh I see you as so flawless, you would never believe!  

Though I do have a very small disagreement with something you say – or maybe an addition to it.

Marriage is a very funny, very profound, thing.  Couples who seem perfect find they can’t stand living together, and other couples who seem just awful for each other actually depend on each other in many ways.  Someday I recommend you read or see the play (or the movie) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  You can’t imagine a more horrible, destructive couple – yet they’ve stayed together.  

My point is this – to you, divorce might be the best answer for your parents.  But this is their choice.  Either one could leave the other if they chose, and neither has.  For whatever reason, every day, they choose to stay together.

Is that because one of them is weak?  Maybe, but you’re saying both are unhappy.  So maybe it’s because, for all the problems you see, there’s something each of them values and depends on in the other.  

I’m not here to say they’re right or wrong, but it is their choice.

And that mindset of mine is exactly why I don’t just agree with you, I urge you to follow through on your dreams.  Your mother has made her choices in her life; they’re not yours.  You don’t just have the right to move on; you need to.  Whether that’s moving to another country or just to another home, or even staying there but working on your personal growth, you owe this to yourself.  And, ironically, to them.

Haven’t they spent your entire lifetime providing for you, educating you, supporting you?  For all the lousy things you see in their marriage, IT CREATED YOU, and for that alone it is WONDERFUL.  

If you do move away, they might bicker more, or they might start treating each other better because they can’t focus on you.  They might fall in love again, or they might divorce.  I don’t know, and neither do you.

But you have YOUR life to lead, my friend.  Your adventures to take, your loves (right and wrong) to fall into, your mistakes to make.  

Love your parents.  They’re clearly good people and deserve that.  But don’t live for them.  Ironically, living for them would be the one way you could make all their work in raising you meaningless.  Instead, honor them by living a life greater than they can.

(And ironically, that would “kill” your old self much more than a suicide would have, and not destroy their lives as your death most certainly would).

All my very best,

Shirelle