Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

1 How a writer can improve focus

arjai101 asks: I like writing. I write a lot of Fantasy and Sci Fi. People often tell me that I’m pretty good at it as well. They say I have good ideas. So, I decided to put together a compilation of my short stories and try to get them published as a book. I have quite a few written so far, but I still need a few more to write. I have the ideas for the stories and I’ve done the planning, but the problem is that I can’t focus. I’m a thirteen-year-old on summer vacation and I’ve basically turned ADD. It seems that every time I sit down to try and work on the project I just can’t focus and work on it. I also can’t manage my time and force my self to do the writing. When I try to sit down and write and force myself, the writing comes out really crappy. How can I stay focused and get myself to sit down and write again?

Hi arjai101 –

Oh boy do I relate to this!

arjai101, there’s one simple reason you have trouble making yourself disciplined enough to write regularly – it’s HARD!  And it’s hard for everyone.

First of all, it’s hard to make yourself focus for long periods of time.  Wait, was that a squirrel I just heard?!

Second, it’s hard to make time for yourself to work on something that no one else Continue reading

0 Should someone try to be funny at school, they way they do at home?

cutepuppy asks: At school I’m shy, but at home I’m not; I’m funny at home. In school I don’t want to be shy, I want to be really funny, but how? And if I act funny, they might not think its funny!

Hi cutepuppy –

“Funny” is such a difficult thing to define!  Some people find Shakespeare’s comedies hilarious.  Others find “Austin Powers” movies uproarious.  Some people memorize every word ever spoken on “Seinfeld,” while others find it dull, but laugh till tears roll at “Modern Family.”  Was Jerry Lewis funny?  People can get violent over that one!  What do you think of Roberto Benigni, Jim Carrey, Zach Galifanakis, Melissa McCarthy?  Is a person slipping on a banana peel funny?  What about a man in a dress?  What about a pie fight?

There’s no single right answer.  The truth is all of those people and things have been very very funny to a great many people.  Handsome tells me the funniest thing he ever saw was a dog he had before he knew me, holding a very wide bone, trying to run through a thin doggy-door.  Would I have found that funny?  I truly have no idea.  But he still laughs about it, many years later.

Now because of this, you’re absolutely correct that there’s no way you could know that the kids at school would find you funny, in the same way your family does at home.  But I’m guessing that the bigger problem is that you don’t feel the Continue reading

1 How to handle a strong desire to kill

Emee asks: I have a problem and I don’t know how to deal with it. This is REALLY personal. I have this inexplicable urge to kill living things. I’ve never killed a human, but I want to. I have had this problem for years. When I was 8 I sliced up my old Barbie Dolls. When I was 10 I would catch large bugs to dissect them. Now I’m 11 and I try to catch squirrels and birds. This is a problem that has become so bad I’ve researched it. I know that I have the potential for a future serial killer. That’s not who I want to be ever. I don’t feel other people’s pain and I hardly feel my own. This will be a problem someday. I need real help. Something not comparing to cats and dogs. If you can help that would be nice.

Hi Emee –

Emee, I know there are lots of websites that give advice, and I’m really glad you picked mine for this.  Because I – and all dogs – are exactly like you!  I get it.  I get your excitement, and I get your fear.  And I truly think I can help.

If you’ve ever watched puppies, you probably have noticed that we spend most of our waking hours playing.  And our playing pretty much means two things – play-fighting and play-killing.  With our friends, we tumble and scrap and bite.  And with toys (whether “official” toys like we are given by humans, or pretty much anything we find, like sticks or shoes) we rip them up, tear them, demolish them.  Just like you with the Barbie dolls.  It’s true that we puppies aren’t as aware of the meaning of these acts as you were (hey – that 8-year-old human brain of yours was probably bigger than all of me was at that stage!), but we were doing the same thing.

Emee, it’s instinctual.  We all have base instincts in us that come from our distant ancestors (for us pups that means wolves!), and a major part of all our development involves instinctively building these skills.  So a six-month-old puppy has already learned to fight and to hunt, as well as to love.  Probably the three most important skills a dog needs to live.  Similarly, while you humans develop more slowly and with far more insight and intelligence, your instincts taught you to be interested in fighting and killing at an early age too.

Now, I am about as sweet and kind a being as has ever existed… if you are a human or a dog, and I believe you’re going to be kind to me.  But I’m a terrific fighter if I’m feeling threatened.  And I am a VERY good hunter, of other kinds of animals.  Emee I have killed squirrels, rats, birds, and more.  None of these animals threatened me (I’ve killed an uncountable number of fleas too, but they definitely deserved it!).  I hunt because every bit of my instinct tells me to do so.  The only reason I wouldn’t hunt a small animal is if Handsome, my human friend, tells me not to.  And he has to really yell sometimes to make sure I hear him!  Those instincts are LOUD!

So why am I saying all this about myself, Emee?  It’s because, if you met me, you wouldn’t be in the least afraid that I’d hunt you or kill you.  Nor does any dog.  I don’t think that way, because dogs and people are what I see as beings I play with, or fight with, or run away from, or cuddle up to.  Not as something I want to kill.

Now if you’d written me and said that you had all these desires to kill small animals, and you were now feeling like killing cats or dogs, and thought that in the future you might want to kill people, and you wondered why anyone had a problem with that… THEN I’d worry!  It would tell me that you were actually something called a Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a teenager to move in with a relative in order to stay in the same school?

irina1997 asks: I’m 17, in high school. My parents want to move away from the city. Partly because they want peace and quiet but also because it’s cheaper there. The house they found is really far away from my school and I would take very long bus rides every day. I have another choice. I could move in with a cousin. She’s about 30 and lives alone in a big apartment, which is very close to my school. I don’t want to move away from the city but I’m kind of sad/scared to live without my parent and with a person I don’t really know. What should I do?

Hi irina1997 –

This is a really tough question.  If you were much younger, I’d say that it’s probably worth more to stay with your parents, as you’ll just get used to your new school and it’ll be fine.  If you were an adult, I’d say you should definitely move out, just for the adventure.  But you’re right on the tightrope between the two.

So I think either one could be fine.  The difference between the two is in the risk you take.  Moving with your parents sets up a risk that you might not like your new school, or make many friends, before you’re done there.  Moving in with your cousin sets up a risk that you might not get along that well with her.

But the difference between these two risks is that one of them offers you a chance to Continue reading

0 What to do when a friend starts bullying you

fQ7jlvzgzVoc asks: I’m worried about one of my classmates, I’m not gonna say her real name so I’ll just write Amy. Amy and I were really good friends back in primary school. But one way or another, we drifted apart when we entered middle school. I started to hang out with the Artsy types and she hung out with the math whiz team (since she’s really good in math). Of course, we still hung out sometimes but not as much as we use too. So here’s the problem, when we started high school, Amy began to hang out with the bad kids. And I mean ‘bad’ bad. They bully other kids, they always say curse words and they always cut class. I was really worried that they will change sweet, innocent Amy and I was right! Amy started to act like a gangster when summer ended last year. I tried talking to her, but she just swore and told me to leave her alone. Now, I’m a victim of being bullied by her too. Please give me some advice so I can get the kind and gentle old Amy back before it’s too late.

Hi fQ7jlvzgzVoc –

Before I start to answer your question, I have one for you – do you know what the name Amy actually means? Funny you picked it – it means Friend!

I think you’re living one of the biggest fears any of us ever has, that the person we love and trust most turns against us. This starts when we’re very young, when we do something unwittingly bothersome to an adult we love and trust, who suddenly turns furious on us. “Look Mommy, I drew a picture for you on the living room wall!” “Hi Daddy, isn’t it funny that I pooped in your car?!” Or, on my side, “Hey, I know what you want right now – you want me to wake you up by biting you in the leg as hard as I can!”   And suddenly, the person we’re expecting to be happy with us is suddenly yelling and raging and scaring the daylights out of us.

What you’re experiencing is less sudden, but maybe even more painful. This was your great friend, and now she’s acting like an enemy.

I really have two thoughts on this. One is that she’s Continue reading

0 How to deal with a parent who can’t compliment you

lover454 asks: How would you interpret what my mom (age 88) said to me (age 59), given the fact she always has to be snide with me. Keep in mind this is the same mother who twice (a year ago and a few years ago) said to me that I was overdressed for an interview. Today I drove her to do some chores and I said to her “Are you really putting down my clothes” and in a sarcastic way she said, “Yes I am”. Anyway I dropped it, and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do, so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes, and she replied, “I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing, because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset.” So I teased her about that answer At the next chore, after she finished, she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more, “There are some days one looks better than others,” which got me upset and I asked her to clarify, and she said, “The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on.” We said a few other things which made her say, “I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking. She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things. How would you interpret her “look great” remark?

Hi lover454 –

I’m going to make a guess. Now you can be sure, we dogs don’t make correct guesses often, so I know there’s a good chance I’m wrong, but I’m going to risk it anyway:

I’m going to guess that your mother has never been very complimentary toward you. I’m going to guess that when you were young, she criticized how you dressed for school, or how you did on your grades, or how you did in sports – and later, how you looked when you went on a date (and who the person was you were going out with), and who you chose for your friends, and what sort of work you did… I’ll bet she’s always been really tough on you.

The reason I’m guessing that is that most people reach a point in life where they don’t care what certain people think. But one thing that will keep that person’s opinion mattering to you (especially if it’s a parent) is if you’re still Continue reading

0 How to get someone who likes you to say it

Mandhie asks: I have liked my crush for six years now. Though we are in different schools now, we still stay in contact with each other. Here is my problem: First of all, I think my crush likes me too, but I am not so sure. There are certain characteristics he likes in me. When we are together, we both feel shy and don’t look into each other’s faces to talk. Secondly, we both sound so confident on the phone but become shy (as I said earlier) when we see each other. Thirdly, his friend has told me he likes me and our families know each other and keep on saying we will become married in the future. And he smiles when they say that. I have become so close to one of his friends and he teases me with him sooooooo much! Recently, my crush came home for midterms and the way he is acting towards me is different. I feel he is beginning to like me more. We chatted and I told him I was making food, and did he want some? He said it would be his pleasure to taste it because he was so hungry, but it was just for fun. Later, I think he was bored in the house and called me. I was so happy! We didn’t have much to talk about, but we talked for a while. I then called him later because I was bored and we chatted beyond an hour. He sounded so comfortable with me. We played a game in which we asked each other 20 questions we want to know about each other and it was so fun. Shirelle, now I love the way we are becoming closer, how his friends tease us both, how his mum calls me “in-law” (that’s cute), and many more things, but the MAIN problem is: in my OPINION, I think he is into me now, but how come he has not yet told me he likes me? I don’t want to tell him I like him because I read on the Internet that ‘if a girl tells a boy she likes him, the guy immediately stops liking her,’ and I don’t want him to stop liking me. How can I make him tell me he likes me? I have liked him for six years now! And you know the saddest thing on earth is when you like someone and that person has no idea!

Hi Mandhie –

Okay, let’s start by making one thing clear. There is NO question this boy likes you. Exactly what he’s thinking, or what he wants… that’s always up to debate. But this guy likes you.

And he’s shy about it.

So you’re stuck with two possible actions. One, you could just wait around for him to do or say something (which is what that person on the Internet is suggesting), or you could take action.

You can probably guess, as someone who gets in lots of trouble for jumping on people and licking them whether they want it or not, I am all for action.

But the question is, what action? You could tell him you like him. You could ask him out on a date. You could do like me and just jump on him. And any of those could work, or could put him off.

But I think there’s a softer version, that’s pretty guaranteed to work. Do you have Continue reading

0 How to deal with a boyfriend ignoring you

brena asks: I am lacking my boyfriends attention. He hardly texts or calls me. We are on a VIP text plan that gives us unlimited text for a month, but if I get ten texts from him in those days I am lucky. This has been going on for a long time now, and has reached the point where I have thought about cheating on him just to get a little attention. I really do love him and I know he loves me – whenever I tell him the way I feel he says he will change, and just for a day or a few hours he does, but then the same thing takes place. There is a lot more but I just can’t bother to write it all out. He spends more time with his friends than me. I am lonely and confused I just want a little love and affection! I was at church and I found out that a younger boy likes me. I was so happy that someone still likes me and looks at me and smiles – that shows I am beautiful and I’ve still got the looks to steal a boy’s heart! I love my boyfriend so much I won’t cheat on him, but I really need the love and the attention – without that this relationship can’t work. Maybe I just want to stop speaking to him? I can’t bother with the way he treats me!

Hi brena –

Once, a few years back, my friend Handsome got extremely busy on a work project.  He only came home enough to sleep, every day for three weeks.  And even after that, he was gone twelve or more hours a day.  It was just awful for me.

The first few days were intolerable.  I was so lonely!  I would sit around the house, wondering why he didn’t like me or care about me anymore.  But then I noticed something – rats!  Our neighbor had rats in their yard.  And at times, they would run on power lines from their yard into others, through our yard.  And they’d go through our trees!

Now what was really interesting about this is that I never could tell if there was a rat in our trees.  It wasn’t like I could see them in there.  So whenever even a slight breeze would blow the leaves, I would assume a rat was there, and jump as high as I could to try to see, and catch, it.  And this was a windy time of year, so I spent most of my day jumping, trying to catch one.

It was so fun doing this that, even when Handsome would come home, exhausted, for his few hours sleep, I was completely obsessed with rat-hunting, and wouldn’t pay that much attention to him!  Yes, the guy who I’d been pining over for days!

As his schedule started to improve, though, he wanted to spend more time with me (He’d actually missed me!).  And I’d start to get re-attached to him, but then he’d leave again, or get all “I’m too busy on the phone” on me.  All that kind of stuff.

Finally, he had a day off.  And both of us were overjoyed to have a day together.  We slept in, and he made breakfast and shared it with me, he put on music we both liked, and all seemed great.  And then he settled himself down onto the floor, with a big pile of mail, to do paperwork, and promptly ignored me.

I was furious!  I had put up with so much, and now he was going to do this?!  So I did the one thing I could think of.

In those days, he had a white couch.  And I was allowed anywhere in the house except on it, because my dirty paws would discolor it.  So on this day, ignored, I walked over to the couch, and, watching him intently, climbed onto that couch and sat on it.  Saying as clearly as if I had a human mouth, “So are you gonna pay attention to me now?!”

Handsome was shocked, and yelled at me to get off of it.  But then he realized what was going on, and laughed at us both, and said, “Okay, knucklehead.  Let’s go back outside.”

We went out into the back and did the single thing we most needed to do:  We PLAYED.  We played catch, we played tag, we ran and tumbled and chased each other and tug-of-warred, and re-built the connection we’d lost a little of.  It wasn’t that Handsome hadn’t cared, or hadn’t loved me.  He’d just gotten so wrapped up in his work that he’d lost touch with how much he needed to connect with me – in a doggy way!

Okay, why am I telling you this long story?  Because everything you’re telling me about this boyfriend reminds me of how I felt while Handsome was off working.  But what I don’t know is: is your boyfriend just consumed by something, as Handsome was?  Or is he truly not caring enough to pay attention to you?

If it’s the first, then I suggest you go stand on his couch!  But if it’s the second, then it’s time for you to think, very strongly, about how you want and deserve to be treated.  Maybe you think you’re being silly, and all is really fine.  Or maybe you think you want to spend the rest of your life being treasured and honored and noticed.  And if so, maybe this isn’t the boy to do that.  Maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy – and should be with someone else.  Someone who doesn’t care about getting lots of attention.  (Or, more likely, maybe he’s a nice, cute, attractive guy, who needs to learn what a relationship really needs!).

So what’s his “couch?”  What sort of test can you give him, to see if he cares, or really doesn’t?  Can you ignore him a little, and see how he responds?  Can you treat him the way he treats you, and see how he likes it?  Can you make a point of making sure he sees you flirting with other boys?!

And if you do something like this, see how he reacts.  Does he go “Oh!  I need to work harder to keep brena!  I hate feeling like I’m not important to her!”  Or does he shrug and say “Oh well, she wasn’t all that important to me anyway”?  Or does he get angry and mean (which might mean it’s best to break up with him, since that sort of behavior you definitely don’t deserve!)?

Whatever it is, you’ll learn some truth about him then.  And when you do, that will point you the way to go.

And who knows?  Maybe he acts in a way that makes you break up with him, and THEN he begins to realize how important you are to him, and he starts to ‘step up’ and give you what you deserve.  That’d be great too!

Whatever it is, brena, it’s time for you to determine, for yourself, what your worth is.  And once you do, you’ll know what risks are worth taking.  Maybe risking losing a guy who doesn’t treat you right.

Or, in my case, risking getting really yelled at about getting on that couch!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to control yourself without hurting people

Dubmom asks: How do you control yourself without hurting people?

Hi Dubmom –

I’m not sure I’m understanding your question exactly – are you asking how one can control themselves in order not to hurt people, or are you asking how to control yourself, but not hurt anyone in so doing?

If it’s the first, this was a huge issue for the first few years of my life.  I was a big, very strong, and very excitable pup.  I loved Handsome with all my heart, but something would grab my attention and I’d forget all about him, for example the time he parked his car on a steep hill, and as we were working our way down it, with me on a leash, I saw a dog and lunged to play with it, and pulled Handsome off his balance so he slipped, fell over a high curb, scraped up his face and damaged one arm so badly he couldn’t straighten it out for days.  Now I didn’t choose to do that to him; I never would.  But I lost control for a second, and did it – I hurt him.

The only solution I know for that is to mature, to pay more attention, and to prioritize.  So that, if that situation happened again, instead of pulling to get to that other dog, I’d whine to let Handsome know I wanted to be let off the leash.  If he agreed to it, great, I’d get to run to that other dog.  If not, I’d know he’d let me off once it was safe.  But I had to make our safety the priority, which means I needed to Think First.

Again, that mostly comes through maturity, through living and learning tough lessons.  You’ll note – even adult humans who pride themselves on being rebellious and uncontrolled don’t run into busy streets without looking!  They’ve learned that lesson over time!

But I’m more intrigued by this other way of reading your question.  How often we see people doing things to control themselves, which actually hurt others!

Most often I think it’s just Continue reading

0 Should you tell someone you have a crush on them when they’re away?

Lil Chen asks: I like this boy and I wanna confess to him,– he’s two years younger than me but more mature – but he won’t be back till Christmas or Summer. Should I tell him straight up through Facebook or do I wait? I can’t talk to someone when they’re right in front of me cuz I get really nervous, especially with confessions (though this will be my first ever confession). Please help me.

Hi Lil Chen –

Oh that’s frustrating!!  But I’m not sure I see why there’s such a hurry to confess your feelings to him.  I’m all for openness, and I know there’s nothing that feels better than to splash your love right into someone’s face (you humans do that with words – I do it with a big-tongue lick right across their mouth and nose!).  But in this case, I worry that it might be a bit risky.  If he’s not happy to hear it, and either ignores you or writes back that he doesn’t share your feelings, then you’re going to probably feel bad.  And if he is happy to hear it, and says he feels the same way about you, then you’re apart from each other for six months, but not able to go out and meet other people because you’ll be kind of committed to each other.  And then, what if one of you Continue reading