Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 What to do when your boyfriend shows too much interest in your friends

Mandhie asks: The guy I’ve told you about and I are in different schools now. We are also staying distant. I am in school most times he calls me, which makes me delighted to know he is calling. When we start talking, we start with the usual greetings “Hey, how are you doing?” and so on and so forth… but as the communication proceeds, he asks about some girls in my room. When he first asked me about the number of people in my room in school and I replied ‘6,’ he asked me for their names, and I told him. This started around last month. Now, anytime he calls, he asks me for their phone numbers and when I ask why, he goes like ‘oh nothing.. Just give it to me.’ In a playful tone. Truthfully, I don’t know any of the numbers of the girls in my room. But even if I did, i wouldn’t give them to him. Also, since I get worried by him asking for the numbers, it makes me shout at him when replying. It feels bad to do so. Or at times I intentionally stay mute and make him repeat, “Hey… are you there?” When he is done talking, I give excuses and say, “Sorry but I have to go… Call you later.” It really feels bad, as I feel I am being rude. I’m getting very worried. It’s like we are being the ‘normal’ friends I am with someone else. What is happening!? Has he lost interest in me? Has he found another girl? Also, he keeps asking me when we will vacate. And when I ask, “Why? Will you come see me?” he replies, “Maybe.” This is getting me confused. If he gets the phone numbers from someone else he knows in my school, will he be calling the girls during the Christmas holidays, or does he really want to come to see me? I don’t like the kind of person he is turning into. I feel he has met some friends who are peer pressuring him. Shirelle, I love him. Please help me not lose him. I really also don’t want the situation whereby I will be so disturbed I end up acting desperate and jump into saying ‘I love you’ first!

Hi Mandhie –

I have to admit, I have no idea what he’s doing!  He might be trying to tease you and make you a little jealous, or he might be trying to connect to those girls so he can talk with them about you (perhaps to get you a present, or set up a surprise visit)… or he might be kind of weird and actually thinking of hitting on your roommates!  I have no idea!

The only way you can find out is to Continue reading

0 Why should a person hire a psychotherapist?

Salvatore asks: You had asked me before whether I am consulting a psychiatrist or a therapist or not, for my grief and depression over the loss of my mother. The answer is ‘NO’ for the following reasons: I am of the view that a psychiatrist is an ordinary guy who will try to fix my problems because its his profession; I feel that opening my heart and my life history will induce the same pain I felt when I actually went through the painful circumstances; I also feel that if I go to a psychiatrist and tell him everything, God may not like it – He’ll think that I am complaining for what happened; and last, but not least, my elder brothers and sister don’t have time to take me for sessions (my brothers have consuming jobs and my sister’s in a very difficult school program). I share all I have to you, instead of a therapist, because it doesn’t give me mental fatigue. Nowadays, everyday when I wake up, the first thought that comes in my mind is that my mom is dead. I feel shallow. The normal routine is almost restored. Sometimes i feel there is nothing wrong, while at other times I feel that life is unnatural’. I get the feeling that I can never achieve my goals. But my brother often reminds me that, ”God doesn’t burden a soul more than his strength.”

Hi Salvatore –

Of course, I’m not one to demand anything of anyone (except squirrels – I do yell at them to get off my roof!).  But I would like to throw one more argument at you, about talking to a professional (doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist – they tend to cost so much! – but a school counselor, a therapist, a spiritual leader… just someone who knows what they’re doing).  It’s a story I heard recently.

There was a man, of great faith.  The weather forecasters told everyone in the area that a huge flood was coming.  And this man knew, deep in his heart, that God would save him.  So when it started to rain, and some neighbors stopped by in their truck and asked if he wanted to come with them to escape the flood, he said, “No, for I know God will save me.”  So they drove off.  It rained and rained and rained, till all the ground was covered in over a foot of water.  Some people rowed up to his house in a boat, and asked if he would climb in, so everyone could get to safer ground.  “No thank you, I know God will save me.”  So they rowed away.  It kept raining and raining, till the only place the man could be was on the roof of his house.  A police helicopter flew down and lowered a ladder to him.  “No thank you, officers.  I’m fine.  I know God will save me.”  Finally they pulled the ladder up and flew away.  And it kept raining and raining, and eventually the water overtook him and he drowned.

He then went to heaven, and beheld Continue reading

0 How to approach a girl who’s scared of boys

Gabriel H. asks: I’m an 8th grader and I kinda have a crush on this new transfer student in the 7th grade. I know about her because she’s in the same class as my little brother. I heard from my bro that she’s very shy and quiet and never smiles. I wasn’t interested at first, but one day on a weekend, I went out to run some errands and when I was passing by the park, I saw the girl and she was playing with a little girl which I assume was her sister, and she was smiling and laughing with the her. And I guess, I fell for her. I told my bro about it and he teased me, but he promised to help me out. The next day, he had a study group at out house and he invited the girl. I tried to be friends with her but I discovered that she has an extreme case of boy phobia. The only reason she agreed to go to a study group with my bro was that one of her friends liked my bro’s best friend and she came to support her. I really want to help her out with her problem and get to know her but how can I when I’m her fear itself? Help!

Hi Gabriel H. –

I think this problem is a lot more common than most people think.  I see it all the time – very nice teens, who like and want to be liked, but are afraid of where things might lead with potential romantic partners.  I think there are two main reasons for this.  One is a very intelligent fear of things going too far physically, and not being able to keep that from happening.  The other is, very often, a fear of growing up, leaving childhood behind.  Peter Pan loved Wendy, but he didn’t want to become her boyfriend, or certainly her husband!

The solution for someone like you, Gabriel H., is to meet this girl where she is.  If you ask her out to a romantic movie, she’s going to be scared, and probably say “no.”  But if you befriend her, she will likely warm up to you, and learn to trust you.  And while I can’t guarantee that that friendship will turn into something more, it’s really the only way it can happen.

So what do I mean by “befriend?”  Well, for starters, just Continue reading

0 How to help an oldest child deal with feelings of sibling rivalry

Candy kids asks: I have three boys ages 3, 4, and 6. My 6-year-old is very unhappy lately. He pouts a lot, and does not smile or act silly like he used to. He gets mad at his little brothers often and has been getting aggressive and angry with them. I am concerned about him and want my happy little boy back. He gets very upset when he doesn’t get his way and acts more like a 2-year-old than a 6-year-old. He was never a child to throw tantrums or fits when he was younger, but is doing it now. He never seems happy with all that we do or with what he gets, and recently always wants more. I am concerned he is becoming a spoiled brat. I just want him to appreciate and be happy with what he has and to be nice to his brothers. Please help! What can I do other than discipline him?

Hi Candy kids –

If you read what I post on here, you’ll see that very often I’m kind of, sort of, I don’t know, unsure about my answers.  I’ll say something like, “Well it might be this, but it might be that… I just don’t know enough to be sure…”

Yours isn’t one of those cases.  I’m about 99% sure I’m right about this one!

You see, I have this wonderful human I live with, Handsome.  He’s my favorite thing in the world, and I’m his.  And I know very well that he could never love anything in the world nearly as much as he loves me…

…and then he sees some cute puppy.  And he runs to it and plays with it and pets it and gives it a kiss on its head, and it rolls over, and he rubs the little thing’s warm chubby tummy, and…

…and I go BALLISTIC!  Not at Handsome, I just want him to like me better.  I go angry at that sweet little innocent Puppy!  I jump right on top of that little beast, growling, snarling, showing just how big and sharp my teeth are and how much bigger I am than that little cutie is, and give one clear message:  “STAY AWAY FROM HIM!  HE’S MINE!”

You see, although I have lots of interests (pizza, squirrels, who’s been at the fire hydrant lately, pizza, this website, other dogs, other people, pizza…), the most important thing in my world is, and always will be, Handsome.  I depend on him for my home and my food, and my faith in the world is all based in my sureness of his love.  And while I’m fine with him being friendly to others, and even all huggy-kissy with his girlfriends, I can’t deal with the idea that I might have to share his love for me with another dog.

Now your son, when he was two years old, had the same view toward you that I have toward Handsome.  He knew he was the center of your whole universe.  And suddenly, something very strange happened, and you went out to the store and came back with this odd pet called a Continue reading

0 How to break up with someone who’s wonderful

Caitlyn asks: Hello, I have a boyfriend and I really like him, but I just want to be single for a while. What should I do?

Hi Caitlyn –

Aw this is such a tough situation!  Of course you’re right – if you need some time to yourself, you should take it.  But at the same time, if this boy likes you back, he’s going to feel some lousy stuff when you do.

Your job is to make there be as little lousiness as possible.

I’ve found that humans take this sort of rejection (which it is, even though you like him) best when it’s clearest and most direct.  So if you leave lots of hints, hoping he’ll bring the subject up, and give lots of “I don’t know, I’m feeling like I should be single for a while” comments… you are just going to drive him nuts.  He’ll think you’re losing interest in him and try to be nicer, he’ll start to suspect there are things you’re not telling him, maybe suspect you’re with another guy…

Way better to sit him down and say, “Look, here’s the situation.  You’re great.  There’s nothing Continue reading

0 How to deal with long-distance relationships

Mandhie asks: My boyfriend’s family relocated into another city, about an hour away. When he was leaving, he came to my house and broke out the news to me. I took it as ‘I am okay with it’ situation but I know he knows I was ‘acting’ and that I would really miss him. The night when his family left, words can’t express how much I cried, but I was able to put myself together after some weeks. Shirelle, I used to really seriously love and want this guy BUT now I feel I have given up on my love for him because I keep on having this mindset that he will meet someone else, perhaps a prettier girl than me. What confuses me is that I feel he is beginning to love me because he is always talking about how distant we are and how we won’t be able to see each other like we used to. I am very confident when we talk on the phone, which surprises him because he knows me to be a shy girl when I am around him. I still like him but why is that I am not feeling how I used to feel at first? Am I losing my love for him? Was it truly love that felt? Is my confusion because of how much I wept that night and the various mindsets I had about him getting another girl? This Friday is his birthday, so how should I talk with him then?

Hi Mandie –

As to your main question, about whether you’re losing your love for him, the fact is I have no idea – only you can know that.  But I do have a lot of thoughts about what might be going on.

First, those thoughts about him and other girls – those could come from a lot of sources.  Maybe you’re just imagining too strongly; maybe you’re thinking about cute boys and so your brain is avoiding guilt by picturing him with other girls; and maybe, just maybe, you’re picking up on some signals that he is actually looking elsewhere.  Any are possible.  Do any sound more right to you?  If so, that’s likely the correct one.

Second, about your feelings pulling back – those could be from a few reasons too.  Maybe you’re just getting a Continue reading

0 What does it mean when someone in a relationship keeps thinking about their ex?

noah asks: I had an ex-boyfriend who left to go on a mission in our church for two years. We’ve been four years together, on and off. Today, I have my present boyfriend, and we’ve been together for four fruitful months. Somehow, I think of my ex all the time (sort of concern and care). So, do I really love my present boyfriend? Or am I just using him to replace my feelings for my ex?

Hi noah –

I don’t know the inside of your heart or your mind, so I can’t answer your main question – only you can know whether you truly love your boyfriend or not. But I can put out a suggestion.

It’s really common, when people have been together for a while, for one or both of them to start getting a bit antsy, even a bit bored. And their minds will wander to others – very often to their exes. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love their current faves, but maybe it’s a sign that something needs to be Continue reading

0 What to do when a relationship isn’t working

Lil Chen asks: These past few weeks I’ve realized that I like it when I have admirers. I don’t know why, but I think that’s where my confidence comes from. When boys follow me around or try to get my attention, I gain more confidence, and whenever I hear my Best Friend having more admirers, I lose my confidence and I doubt people’s compliments about me. I don’t like my attitude but sometimes I like it too. I also have ummm…a boyfriend. (Does that make me a bad or selfish person?) He’s my first real relationship. It started just last month, but I’m already doubting it. I envy couples because I want to be like them, having someone to be with and all, but now that I’m in a relationship, I hate it. I don’t like the way my ummm…boyfriend is. He’s too lovey-dovey and insecure, and he gets jealous too easily. I’m still 15 and I don’t know love, but he’s talking about it already. He was my crush, and I told him, expecting him to not want me (all my crushes never liked me back before, that’s probably why I liked them). Now that we’re together, I’m confused as to whether I like him or not. I get scared of him even when he’s not mad. People always tell me I’m lucky because we’re together; they say we’re a cute couple, but I always get insecure when they say that. I can’t even tell my Best Friend about it because she keeps telling me stories about our friends and their break-ups with their boyfriends, and whenever I mention breaking up with him she tells me that I’m like our friends. She hasn’t experienced being in a relationship – that’s probably why – but her words still haunt me. I want to have a boyfriend, but if this is what a relationship feels like then I don’t want it. I want a guy who makes fun of me or makes fun of everything, the one who would do anything to make me laugh, even if his actions are reckless and would probably get him in trouble. The kind of guy who isn’t always lovey-dovey, only during special moments. That’s the guy that I dream of. Sure, I want him to be protective too, and I don’t mind that he gets jealous when I go near guys because that’s how I’ll know he cares about me so much. My other Best Friend told me to break up with him, but I feel like my other Best Friend will shame me if I do, along with other people. I try to picture myself with another guy, but it feels so wrong because I have to be loyal to him. What do you think I should do?

Hi Lil Chen –

Everyone has problems.  Some are more fun than others.  This problem of yours is a VERY fun one!  Oh how I wish all my pack members could have this struggle, instead of the loneliness so many are going through!

Okay, first of all, there is NOTHING wrong with liking attention and admiration.  It’s very natural.  When I go to the dog park, I absolutely expect the boy dogs to chase me; I do not chase them!  The only male I chase is Handsome, my human (and he admires me above anything in the world).  I like being the center female, and expect boy dogs to treat me that way.  And just like you, I can get a little jealous when other females get lots of attention.  But when that happens, I usually just do one of two things – either walk away and find something else to focus on, or do something to get at least some of those boy dogs to notice me.  Either one works, and you can do the same.

But now, onto this boyfriend issue.  It seems to me that the only problem here is that you’re worrying too much!  You had a crush on a boy, you told him you did, and now you’re realizing that you two are different and want different things in a relationship.  Great!  Your job is to Continue reading

0 How to lead peers

Andrei asks: I am a first year high school student, and the chief of my class. But I’m having trouble controlling my friends. On one hand, I don’t want to act bossy, but on the other, I don’t want to disappoint my teachers. What should I do??

Hi Andrei –

I see this same problem at the dog park all the time.  A dog will be running around, trying to get the other dogs there to calm down or behave, and they don’t pay any attention to it.  But when a human walks in and tells dogs to do something, they’ll listen right away.

Now if there weren’t any humans there, the dogs would do what we do in nature, which is to form a pack.  And then there would definitely be a leader.  Probably it would take some time to determine who the leader is, as the dogs who wanted to be leader would have to fight each other for it.  But eventually, one dog would be the one all the other dogs would follow, at least for a while.

But that doesn’t happen at the Continue reading

1 How to meet a stranger you’re attracted to

messier asks: During the past several months, during my morning jog, I’ve exchanged smiles and hellos with an attractive young woman as she stands at her bus stop. I know she lives two blocks down from my street, but I do not know her name, address, or phone number. Also I do not know anybody we have in common in the neighborhood I could ask about her. I wish she could see me in dress clothes instead of morning jogging clothes! Can you think of any other ways I could “coincidentally” bump into her? Approach strategies?!

Hi messier –

Ooh, what a fun question!  Do you know the old song “Bus Stop” by the Hollies?  Might be worth a listen, since it’s kind of what you’re describing (except there aren’t any jogging clothes in the song!).

Now of course I don’t know your neighborhood, so I don’t know exactly what’s there.  But just from what you’ve told me, I do have two ideas.  The first is, one day, to have Continue reading