Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to stay safe in a foreign city

Gehue1099 asks: I am terrified about going to another country without my parents. I’ve never been that far away before and it’s for 3 days so I’m wondering if I should go or not. We are going to see a Taylor Swift concert in Detroit, and I looked it up online and it doesn’t seem that safe.

Hi Gehue1099 –

I have to admit, I’ve never been on an airplane, or ever traveled across any international border.  My idea of scary travel is getting into a car and wondering if we’re going to the veterinarian’s office!  So I really relate to your question.

Having said that, there are two big truths here – and both are good news.  Firstly, the vast majority of international travel today is very very safe.  The nations of the world have a strong interest in keeping on friendly terms with each other, and keeping tourists coming to visit them, so you’re in good shape overall.  The second is that modern media just LOVES to exaggerate how dangerous places are.

There are, and have been, places in the world that are torn up by war or revolution, making them so dangerous that no one should go there without taking very special care.  But most places aren’t like that.  The vast majority of people in Iraq, Iran, Russia, China, and the other places you hear troubles about, are just fine.  Remember a few weeks ago when all the talk was about the protests in Baltimore, in the U.S.?  Watching the stories on television would scare anyone into thinking that no one could safely step into this huge violent riot?  And then a teenager’s mother walked out into the middle of the street because she’d seen her son on TV, grabbed him, gave him a smack, and took him home?  Yes, the most dangerous thing in those streets was how angry mothers get when their kids disobey them!

Detroit is a wonderful city, with a great history that includes the cool stylish cars America is known for, and some of the most beloved music of the last 60 years.  It took a huge hit when the economy went down about eight years ago, though, and it hasn’t recovered nearly as much as anyone would hope.  So what does this mean for you?

Well, a lot of things.  Number one, it means they really Continue reading

0 How to get less shy in public

PhoebuSam asks: From the beginning of my childhood, I was a very shy and quiet boy. I mean I made friends quickly if I wanted to, but it takes me a lot of courage to start the conversation. I’m pretty popular at my university so luckily I don’t have to start the conversation usually. But in turn, this has turned me into a more shy and quiet person. I have gotten to this point of my life where I feel shy of going outside of my own house alone, which is pretty stupid. Take today for example: It’s a beautiful day outside but I think I have a few classmates here so I’m sort of scared of going outside. I just don’t like being seen. And being seen alone is way worse. I could go outside in the nighttime but it won’t be like the daytime. Which is beautiful. So my question is, how can I overcome such a fear?

Hi PhoebuSam –

As a general rule, I’ve never been very shy.  If I see someone I want to meet, I walk right up to them, sniff them, and check to see if I should jump on them, play with them, or run away.

But I felt some of what you’re feeling once.  When I was a little puppy, I played with any dogs I could find.  But when Handsome brought me to his home, from the pound, the veterinarians told him to keep me away from places with lots of dogs, till I could build up enough immunity to certain diseases.  So for my six-month birthday, it was a very big deal that he could take me to a huge dog park!

I was sooo excited!  I ran into the grounds, ready to play with all the dogs there… and none would even look at me.  They’d either walk away, or snarl at me to leave them alone.  I was just devastated.  I kept trying, though, and at least enjoyed the chance to be out among all the smells, but when Handsome drove me home, we both felt sad and disappointed.

What’s important, though, is that he kept taking me back.  And bit by bit, I developed more confidence, and started learning how to be “cool,” and sure enough, I made some great friends.  So much so that, before too long, it was me who was ignoring the overtures other dogs were making!

Now it seems to me, you’re a bit like me that first day.  You would like to be able to go out and enjoy everything and everybody out there, but you’re feeling like something is wrong.  Especially by this time in your life. It’s so off that you even say you’re pretty popular at your university, but are afraid to go out because there might be some classmates of yours out there!

So what do you do?

Well, the most important thing to do is to Continue reading

0 Is it okay to feel ambivalent?

Shikuza blue asks: I have quite a big family. Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I could live on my own alone. But now when my house is empty because everyone is abroad, I am alone – and not liking it too much. Even though I know that my parents will return from their trip and I will go back to my wanting a more solitary life, I can’t live it now.

Hi Shikuza blue –

To put it in the most confusing way I can, you’re not alone in your wish to be alone but not be alone!  This feeling is very very common, especially in teenagers.  It’s called Ambivalence, and its what we feel when we either don’t want anything, or we want two or more things that are completely opposite.

There are lots of things that look a bit like Ambivalence, but aren’t.  For example, when you’re wanting to diet so you can lose weight, but you really want that yummy chocolate cake you just saw.  You’re not ambivalent about it – you just want two things and have to decide which you want more.

But when you really want to be alone but don’t want to be alone, or when you really want to hang out with someone you often don’t like, or when you want to try something new that you think you won’t like – those are Ambivalence.  And it’s really difficult!

The most famous case of Ambivalence ever was a character named Hamlet, in a play by the same name.  This poor guy was a prince who found out his uncle had murdered his father, and then goes pretty much nuts trying to figure out what he should do about it.  But he also struggles over a bunch of other things too.  At one point, he’s so confused, he considers ending his own life, and famously even struggles with that (“To be or not to be, that is the question.”).

So Ambivalence can be a mess, no question.  But there’s one thing about it – it shows Continue reading

0 Why people act different when loved ones die

WILBUR asks: My father passed away last Tuesday. I was left out of all the funeral plans. I am handicapped, but my husband isn’t. My sister, who has taken it upon herself to do everything for my mother, had her two sons, daughter, and husband give a eulogy. I was never asked to speak, and neither was my husband. All plans for the wake were done without anyone asking my opinion about anything (all the way down to refreshments in the coffee room – they didn’t even tell me there were any until I went for coffee). My husband says that my sister was trying to help me avoid any more pressure over the death. If you agree let me know please.

Hi WILBUR –

First of all, of course, my head is bowed down for your loss – fathers are just so wonderful.

I’m not brilliant enough to be able to read your sister’s mind – your husband has a lot more knowledge about her than I ever could, so his thoughts might well be correct.

But I do know a few things about humans. And one of them is that nothing, and I mean nothing, brings out the shadow-sides of personalities like the loss of a loved one. And when that loved one is a parent, humans start to act based on very old, deep baggage. Maybe your sister is someone who goes into take-charge mode when she’s under stress (which would fit with your husband’s view of her taking responsibility for your pain).

Or maybe this is a bit tougher than that – maybe she has always had some deep-down resentment, if she felt you were closer to your father than she was. Or maybe she still looks at you as the child you once were, and figures you can’t handle pressure or pain.

It could be any of these, or something completely different I never thought of.

What’s important is that you realize two things: First, that this might well be Continue reading

0 Should I stay with a girl with another boyfriend?

alixone asks: I am a medical student. I met this girl, my junior in school, two years ago, when she was in a relationship with this guy, a biology student. She told me she couldn’t go out with me, but we could be friends. Then, after a while, we started becoming intimate, but she was still dating her boyfriend – and was willing to marry him. We’ve never had full “sex” but everything but. She used to have some arguments with her boyfriend about him cheating on her, but she wasn’t giving up on him. I was still hanging with her hoping that things might work out in the future, because I really loved her and was intending to spend my life with her as my wife. Now, her boyfriend has finally graduated and she broke up with him. I was thinking it’s time for her to give me a chance, but she has gone on to start dating another guy who is a part-time accountant in a hotel, who was her friend three years before she knew me. Things might get more serious this time: they are from the same local government and village, and he wants to marry her. Now she has travelled to visit him to spend time with him for a week. I will become a doctor this year. She runs some errands for me, such as going to the market and cooking. When she sees me with another girl she gets jealous. I really love her. I have never loved a girl like this before. Right now I am confused and I need your advice please. I can hardly think about any other girl; she is always coming into my thoughts. Do you think I can keep her?

Hi alixone –

I am not a fortune teller, and have absolutely no way of looking into the future.  So I can’t tell you what will happen, or even what could.  But I think I have a pretty good sense of what’s going on right now.

This girl had a boyfriend, but was fooling around with you – who were in love with her.  Then she broke up with her boyfriend, but immediately took on another guy – while still keeping the same relationship she had been having with you.  And from everything you’re saying, she sounds pretty content with the way things are.

So it sounds to me like she’s someone who really likes boys, and treats them well, but is avoiding a full commitment.  As long as she has two guys, she never has to feel like a boy owns or controls her, or that she has to make a decision that will define the rest of her life.

There’s nothing wrong with this, in general.  It’s totally fine for a young person to want her freedom, and to enjoy the fun of romance at the same time.  The only thing wrong is that she seems to have an amazing ability to Continue reading

2 Do colleges and universities care more about grades or the prestige of a high school?

Navyaashali asks: I am going to class eleventh now, and I study in a big boarding school whose cost is a lot. If I stay in school then I will have the school name and my principal’s CV, which will help me get into a college, but I will have very little time to study. But if I leave school then maybe I would have a high percentile, and it would help my parents financially, but I would not have the extra stuff which is helpful to get into a good college (provided you are a brilliant student). Please give me some advice.

Hi Navyaashali –

You seem to have the pros and cons of each decision very clear:  If you stay at the boarding school, you’ll have lower marks from a higher-rated institution; and if you go to another school, you’ll likely have higher marks from a lower-rated place.

I don’t know that I can choose between these two, any more easily than you can – based on what you tell me here.  So I would suggest that you bring another issue into the mix.

When a human applies to colleges and universities, the admission staff does look at the prestige of the schools the person attended, and at their grades.  But they also look at the Continue reading

0 How to show self-confidence without looking conceited

Prettyndsweet12 asks: Recently I’ve had a big opportunity that boosted my self confidence to the highest it’s ever been! I was accepted to be a state finalist at the National American Miss Pageant! Ever since then I’ve found the beauty in myself and I’ve been a lot more confident in myself, but sometimes I feel like I overdo it. So my question is, when does being self-confident turn into being self-conceited? ?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

Your question is something I hear about often.   Nice people like you want to enjoy your success and feel pride, but don’t want to come off as too “full of themselves.”  And you wonder what it is that you have to do to manage it correctly.

The answer is simply in how you Continue reading

0 Does numerology work?

Shizuka blue asks: Are the numerology sites true? Just for fun, I checked my numerology report. It says that I am good but the faults I have read about me made me worry. Now, its like I am trying to judge myself whenever I do something, and it’s made me quite depressed. Before, I took it as a game but after having read it, I am afraid I really bear those traits. I don’t know how to get these thoughts out of my mind. Can you help?

Hi Shizuka blue –

As a dog, I believe in a very few things.  I believe in my own heart, I believe enormously in my human friend Handsome, and I believe in the awesomeness of the whole world around me (including the things I can’t see, like love and magic and the voices that come to us in the middle of the night from nowhere).

There’s also a lot I don’t not believe, but don’t understand.  I know there’s such a thing as Nuclear Physics, but I can’t pretend to grasp one proton of it!  I know there’s an infinite universe out there, but I can’t comprehend something that goes on forever.  I know there’s a number called Pi that also goes on forever that’s the key to how a circle is defined, but I can’t tell you all of it, or why it works.  I know that our physical makeup, and maybe lots more, is determined by incredibly small strands called DNA that hold more information than the biggest computer… but that completely mystifies me!

So when it comes down to any method that says it can predict the future, or personalities, or anything else like that, my answer is always, “Could be.  I have no idea.”

But I will admit that Numerology is a particularly Continue reading

0 Should an adult leave home or help their family?

Agnes asks: I’m kind of lost in the middle of this world, bringing me to stress & depression. I’m a 32-year-old woman, working in Sales operations, and I just broke up with my boyfriend. But that is not my problem, because I know it’s totally over. My big dilemma is that I’m currently living in the City, but since my Mother and other family back at hometown found out about the end of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, they have several times asked me to come back for good and run our small family business there. The problem is it’s hard for me to leave this city. I have been here for fifteen years, since I was in Primary school, and I’m comfortable here. And I have this thought, that when you go back to your hometown, it means you failed to make a living in the city. At the same time, I know Family is a priority, and a good future waits for me if I continue my family business (my current job is just for survival income). I really need your advice. Should I continue living in the city or go back? With my unstable emotions these days, I really don’t know what to do with my life now.

Hi Agnes –

The problem you’re having, Agnes, is a universal one.  Everyone struggles between the wish for the security and stability of home, and the desire to determine their own life.  Even look at us dogs – we’re so loyal to our humans, but always digging and clawing to find ways to get out of our homes and go explore.

The issue is the timing.

With us, it’s pretty simple.  Most of us start as puppies, afraid to be away from our mother or other caretakers, but then as we get more confident, we struggle to get away whenever we can.  Then eventually we mature, and get to loving staying near our human or dog friends, and guarding our homes.

With you people, though, it seems to come in waves.  You’ll be a toddler hiding behind your mother’s leg, then a few months later, you’re the kid scurrying around the mall with all the adults frantically trying to find you.  Then you’ll become the home-bound kid who wants to play video games all day and not even go out with friends, but then turn into the teenager who can’t stand having to leave their peers and be home by a curfew.

As adults, except for the most confident humans, things often get determined by who else is in their life.  So, for example, you, Agnes, were content to live in the city as long as your boyfriend was there.  It’s only after that relationship ended that you’re feeling pulled in two directions.

So, naturally, I have two thoughts on this.  The first is that, if there’s a really major Continue reading

0 What to do when your parents won’t give you, or let you earn, what you want

Casca00 asks: I’m 17. I have not been the perfect daughter but I believe I have been respectful to my parents and fulfilled my responsibilities. But here’s the issue. My father is a Doctor and my parents’ financial condition is fine. But I am pretty much broke. My brother and I don’t even own cellphones. We don’t have any working computers because they broke and nobody seems to care. I had to borrow my friend’s laptop and ask our lovely neighbor for the password to their wireless. My dad uses the computer at his workplace and both of my parents have Samsung Galaxy something something mobiles. They don’t give me regular pocket money, so therefore I can’t even save up, though there is so much I want to do, like taking cello lessons or learning foreign languages. Last summer I stayed home for the vacation instead of going with my mother, and begged my father to let me find a job. I even found many workplaces that are looking for employees in our neighborhood. He refused without giving a reason. Most of my friends are working on holidays and such, so I don’t see why I couldn’t. I tried reasoning with them and asked for them to at least give me a regular allowance or give me some chores to do. But it’s impossible to make them listen to me. They don’t refuse me on this; they just say ‘OK’ then leave it as it is. I am starting to get tired of this. To be fair, we live in a nice house, they recently restored my room, and they never ask for anything I can’t do. I am grateful for things they’ve done but… I want my financial freedom. What should I do?

Hi Casca00 –

This is a really perplexing situation.  I often get letters from kids who resent that their parents can’t afford things for them, or from parents who refuse to give their kids stuff and want them to get jobs instead.  But you’re saying your parents are refusing both.

And this leads me to only one conclusion – that it’s not about money, it’s that your parents don’t want you to have certain things.

Is it possible that they simply don’t believe someone your age should have a cell phone, or a computer?  I can see why a parent might feel that way, as we hear so many awful stories about what kids find online or write about each other.

Although, even if that were the case, it wouldn’t explain them not wanting you to take cello lessons or learn foreign languages.

So I’m stuck.  With one possible exception.  You could have a parent who thinks like Handsome’s mother’s father!

Handsome’s grandfather was, like your parents, a caring and generous soul.  And he was also very Continue reading