Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 What to do when you’re in love, but attracted to others?

Awerpia asks:   I’m in deep trouble. Real time emotional trouble. I love my girlfriend so much. I can’t imagine my future without her being a part of it. We have dated for two years now.  But for the last six months it had to become a long distance relationship because she’s graduated from the university and is now working. I on the other hand have more academic years ahead of me because I’m reading medicine in school. Because of the distance and our different schedules, communication and intimacy have become a very big problem. I hardly get the chance to see her except on social media. Suddenly I have become very hyperactive. Everything seems to attract me. I have become so sexual minded. Girls who wouldn’t have caught my attention when she was around are suddenly looking attractive to me. The only way I try to discipline myself is that anytime I get attracted to another girl I just imagine my girlfriend’s face compare to the person attracting me and I say yes my girl is the prettiest. Sometimes I really have to stare at another lady just to prove that my girlfriend is prettier.  That way the  other girl feels ugly in my mind and the attraction stops. Sometimes I see the same person who used to attract me some days later and I ask myself “what was really attractive about her?” Then I say to myself that my girlfriend is the fairest of them all. She is the prettiest in the world. All of a sudden, there’s this pretty girl in my class whom I can’t stop admiring. She’s equally as pretty as my girlfriend if not prettier. I can’t take her out of my head and it’s just her features that I admire. I keep on comparing her to my girlfriend and I still don’t know if my girlfriend is really the prettiest in the world. And the funny thing is that when my girlfriend was here this girl never caught my attention although a lot of people confessed of her beauty. I feel like I’m cheating on my girlfriend already. I don’t how I would feel if she looks at another guy the way she looks at me. Or even to admire another guy. I feel like I’m really being unfaithful to her. And I can’t afford to cheat on her. I feel like I’m a cheat and I don’t know how to stop these unnecessary attractions. I love my girlfriend and I can’t stand her tears.  Not only about her beauty. I love everything about her even her flaws, her forgetfulness, her temperament even her big forehead. Why can’t I concentrate on loving her to the best like she deserves. Why do I get attracted to other ladies and why can’t I take them off my mind. I want my girlfriend to be the prettiest of them all. Even if she isn’t I want to believe in that lie for the sake of love. Shirelle, how can I love one woman for the rest of my life without falling for these other attractive girls? What do I do Shirelle? Because the last thing I want to see is my girlfriend’s tears. That girl means everything to me!

Hi Awerpia –

            So I have one big answer for you overall: THIS IS NORMAL!  You’re not doing anything wrong.  You are at the age where human males are most sexual; it’s most on their minds, even to an obsessive level.  And you’re at a school where you’re surrounded by girls your own age, many of whom put a lot of effort into being the prettiest they’ll ever be.  If you didn’t notice them, I’d think there was something wrong with you!  It’s like you’re in a gorgeous flower garden and feeling “I shouldn’t be noticing these bright colors!”

            Now what you do  about it is another question.  You sound very committed to your girlfriend, and as long as that’s the case, then yes, it’s best for you to “look but not touch” as they say in the museums!  And, if something should happen to go wrong in your relationship, then it’s nice to know you’ll have many other, um… “flowers” to go sniff!

            But you also brought up another issue, that you’re bothered that you find this other girl actually prettier than your girlfriend.  Well that’s normal too.  And doesn’t bother me at all.

            Imagine it’s a few years from now.  You’ve married your girlfriend, and maybe have a baby.  Five times a night, the baby cries and wakes you two up.  So you see her over and over, with big circles under her eyes, messy hair, and with a grouchy expression, not smelling all so good (actually I’d probably love the way she’ll be smelling, but maybe you wouldn’t!).  At those moments, you’ll look at her and… well, she won’t be the prettiest woman you know. 

            Now imagine twenty years after that, or forty, or sixty.  Will she be as attractive to the eye as she is today?  Most likely not.  And will there be other women, other girls, you see who are lovelier in face or figure?  Almost certainly so.

            But she might still be your favorite object in the whole world to see, to hear, to touch, smell… the “objective” looks just won’t matter as much.

            That’s love. 

            There are some people in my neighborhood who work in a nursery, and whose clothes are covered in manure and other amazing smells.  Oh they’re just the best!  But if I have a choice between running to them or Handsome, I’ll always go to him.  His clothes are boring and smell of detergent.  But there’s nothing I love more than being in his arms, and smelling him.

            So again, Awerpia, all I can say is that what you’re experiencing is normal and fine.  And my best advice to you is to try to worry about it less.  The worry is your big problem.  Seeing beautiful girls and knowing they’re beautiful isn’t – that’s one of the joys of your life, if you let it be!

            All my best,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when you’ve hurt an ex’s feelings

Enah asks: I broke up with a boyfriend last year, but he keeps coming back for some reason. The last time he came back I finally told him that it wasn’t okay for him to keep coming back like this, and he didn’t take it well, so we ended up fighting like we always had. Now I feel bad for saying the stuff I said to him and I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  I don’t want to be that person, even though he said stuff to me, and l’m starting to feel like he might come back again and I don’t want to argue with him again! Would it be okay if I reached out to him and talked to him, just to straighten things out (maybe to apologize), so that this cycle ends for good?

Hi Enah –

         This is always a tough question.  You’ve come from a good place – you didn’t want to be with him anymore, but you wished the best for him, and have tried to do what you could to give him that.  Meanwhile, he hasn’t moved on, has kept attached to you (or gotten more so), and has come back to be with you.  So what do you do?  Kindly remind him of where your heart has moved, or snap at him to get him to go away?

         This reminds me of a really painful experience I had as a growing puppy.  I have very strong legs, and had worked and worked to jump high enough to pull myself over the fence of my back yard.  I didn’t want to run away, I just wanted to know I could do it.  And once I could, I wanted to show it off to all the people passing by.  Oh, it was great – they’d yell in surprise, amazed I could do this feat!  One day, Handsome heard the commotion, and walked out of his house, and his neighbors told him what they’d seen.  So he got some wire fencing, and started to nail it onto the gate.  I saw him there and joyously ran up and jumped high, getting my paws onto the gate to pull myself over, knowing he’d be thrilled and proud of me.  But instead, he yelled a stern “NO!” and pushed me back onto the ground.

         Oh Enah, it hurt so much!  Not the fall, but the rejection!  He wasn’t proud of me, he was angry, and wanted none of it!  I was so sad, I never tried to jump that fence again.

         And of course, that’s exactly what he wanted.

         He hated hurting my feelings, and – I later learned – bragged to everyone he knew about my strength and agility.  But he loved (and loves) me more than his own life, and was terrified of what might happen if I was running around the street.  So he was…  do you know that old song “Cruel to be Kind?”  That was him!  He acted cruelly, to be kind to me.  And his doing that likely has saved my life.

         So I don’t know your ex-boyfriend, and can’t tell you exactly what the right way to deal with him is.  Maybe calling him to apologize would be wonderful and give him what they call “closure” on your relationship – or maybe he’d see it as a sign he should try again.  Maybe being harsher with him would give him the wake-up he needs to move on with his life – or maybe it would just hurt him and make him need to contact you again, either to beg you to be nicer, or to lash out and tell you how awful a person you are! 

         I don’t know.  All I know is that this is tough, and, if he is perceptive at all, eventually he’ll realize you were right and had tried your best.

         But for right now, I’d just say to trust your own gut, and watch to see how he reacts.

         No one likes being rejected, but he’s a lucky guy to have someone who cares this much, even if she’s pushing him away.

         Best of Luck!

         Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend treats you as unimportant

Free pack asks:

I am in a very serious problem in relationship with my girlfriend. She thinks I am unimportant and says that I have always been very weak in front of her, am very emotional, and that I am very possessive. She keeps on giving more importance to other male friends of hers, but ignores me, and doesn’t share anything with me. I feel very hurt and insecure about it. I need help. She still does love me, but I want to fix it.

Hi Free pack –

            Now let me get this straight:  She says you’re unimportant, weak, emotional, and possessive, and she ignores you while paying more attention to other guys?

            Now love is love, and I understand that, so I’m not going to tell you you shouldn’t love her.  But I do have to ask: why would you want a girlfriend like this?! 

            Free pack, there are so many more kind and generous and loving women out there!  This one’s treating you horribly. 

            And you ask me for advice on how to “fix” the relationship.  I guess I’d be willing to offer her one try.  To sit down with her and explain everything you said to me, and then say “I need to know if you’re willing to change all this.   Because if not, I have to leave.”  And once you say it, prove it: If she doesn’t improve, then leave.

            Frankly, I doubt she’ll be able to.  It takes a very particular personality to treat one’s boyfriend this badly, and I imagine she gets a very good feeling by exerting her power.  So your threat to leave would just make her gleefully double-down on her actions, and insist that you go.

            And if she does, I’d say to take her up on the offer.  Leave.

            Then one of two things will happen.  Either she’ll miss you and work to change her ways to win you back, which would be great, or she won’t.  And if she doesn’t, if she continues to act this way, and not admit her faults, then you will be free. 

            Free to meet other women.  Free to build your self-esteem back after all this beating-down you’ve taken.  And free to be yourself again, in a way you probably haven’t been for  a long time.

            So prove her wrong.  Believe in your own importance, be strong, and be the opposite of possessive.  She might well freak out, but you’ll be in much better shape.  And never again will you have to take this abuse from her, or anyone else.

            I know this all sounds negative, but really it’s the opposite: your life is about to begin in a wonderful way it never has!  Believe me, it will get better!

            All my best,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when you have trouble trusting a new boyfriend

Maya asks: I met a guy, he says that he loves me and also willing to start a new life with me, this guy has one kid, but not in a marriage status, and the kid is free to visit both sides, either to see the mum or dad. This guy is 35-37 years I guess not really sure but from the look I can tell. I am young, and I like him, because whenever we get to talk and share some things it just feels good, and it brings a natural feeling of inspiration, and whenever we get to see each other, we evolve happiness. But one thing I don’t like about him – he seems not to be honest and truthful. So Shirelle what step should I make or take to know that am in the right track?

Hi Maya –

            So sometimes I get a complex question, like the one you sent, and have a tough time answering it because there are so many aspects to what I want to say.

            This isn’t one of those!

            You’ve just met this guy.  You don’t know whether to trust him, or even know his exact age!  It’s WAY too soon to marry him, or really to even talk about it.  So your job is to just do exactly what you have been doing, and don’t let him stop you.

            What do I mean by that?  Well, first, enjoy him – you’re having a great time and there’s no reason not to continue that.  But second, listen to those voices inside you that aren’t so trusting.  What is it about him that makes you doubt his trustworthiness?  Maybe you’re wrong, but maybe you’re right.  And until you find out, there’s no reason in the world why you should move to another stage in your relationship. 

            And third – just keep learning more about him, and letting him find out more about you.  Maybe he won’t be as interested in marrying you if he finds out that you can’t go to sleep without watching three reruns of Charmed, or maybe you’ll find you like him even better when you learn that he spent five years volunteering to help stray pups. 

            I’m not saying this relationship is good or bad, or anywhere in between.  What it is is currently delightful, and worth pursuing.  And it’s in that pursuing that you two learn all that really matters about each other. 

            And another point about this – it’ll be better for his child if you two take things slowly.  Get to know that kid, and build a relationship with them.  That matters a lot.

            Also, if it’s possible, getting to know the kid’s mother would be fantastic.  Both so that you two could get along as well as possible, but also — she might be able to tell you some interesting things about this man!  Not necessarily awful stuff, but perhaps some things that might help you out in your deciding.

            But overall, Maya, my main message to you is simple:  Keep things slow, and don’t make any long-term decisions until YOU are ready, and feel comfortable about everything.

            Hoping it goes great!

            Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend has double-standards

101298_kaur asks:

My boyfriend is younger than me and thus he is immature. He always gets angry at very little things, which is quite common I know. But when I get angry in turn he acts like it will destroy relationship.  And if I calm him down then he will always do the same and become dominant. Please give me solution so that he never dominates me and acts more mature.  

Hi 101298_kaur –

         I’m going to say something that’ll feel like I’m ignoring you, but I promise I’m not.  At least as far as your question goes, I don’t care about your boyfriend’s age.  You’re right that his behavior is immature, but this sort of double-standard can continue all the way through one’s life.  And that’s what worries me – not his age.

         A double-standard is when someone says one rule is okay for their behavior, but another is right for someone else.  So for example, if I say all dogs have to obey their humans, except me, that I get to run off when he’s calling me, or jump up on him with muddy paws when he’s telling me to sit.  And your boyfriend is just that kind of dog.

         He’s saying that he has the right to get angry at you, but you don’t have the right to at him.  That in fact, you’ll “destroy the relationship” if you do!

         Well how do you live in that mindset?  You can’t! 

         So the solution is simple.  You refuse to.

         Now there are a few ways to do this.  Maybe you explain to him that you won’t live with that kind of rule, and that your relationship can only last with you two both being able to express yourselves.  And maybe even tell him that your age helps you understand this better.  I like this one.

         Another is that you just start screaming at him that he’s being unfair and stupid, and that no real man would treat a woman that way, and if he doesn’t like you the way you are he can just leave!  I don’t like this as much, but I sure understand how he might push you to it!

         And then there’s the third, which is the sad one – where he just can’t allow you to be yourself in the relationship, so you have to break up with him.

         But let me be clear – ANY of these are better than you submitting to what he’s demanding now, which is that you don’t really exist! 

         If he wants you both to hold back on your anger, that’s at least equal, but can be hard to achieve.  But this one-sided deal?  Nope, that’s no way for you to live.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 Are introverts doomed to be alone?

Enah asks: Is it true that people who are introverts and also have avoidant personality disorder will die alone (because I have a hard time making friends)?

Hi Enah –

Before I answer your question, let me explain a couple of the terms you use. 

First, all people, and dogs, lie somewhere on the scale between Introvert and Extrovert.  The Introvert side is shyer, more focused on themselves, while the Extrovert side is outgoing, focused on and enjoying others.  I am certainly mostly an Extrovert, while my human friend Handsome is mostly an Introvert.  Yet I really value my time curled up alone during the days, and he does love going out with friends, and even enjoys speaking and performing in public.  So whenever someone says they’re one or the other, I figure they mean they’re mostly one or the other.  Lots of famous performers, for example, are wildly extroverted in their work, but deeply shy in their private lives.

And then Avoidant Personality Disorder.  This is an actual diagnosis, a mental illness, where a person’s shyness and sense of inadequacy causes real problems in their ability to interact with others or maintain relationships.  It’s way beyond Introversion, something that gets in the way of nearly every aspect of a person’s life.

So to summarize this, there is nothing wrong with being an Introvert, or leaning that way.  It’s not a good or bad thing, just how a person is.  And it doesn’t make you unlovable.  Some people can’t stand how friendly and rambunctious I am, and prefer calmer dogs.  Similarly, not everyone wants to hang out with loud partiers, as many prefer the company of quieter, more contemplative folks.  So one can live very happily as an Introvert, at least as happily as any Extrovert.  But Avoidant Personality Disorder is a painful, debilitating illness, that should be treated – through therapy at least, and perhaps even anti-anxiety mediations.

But now, to your actual question.  Are Introverts, or people with APD, destined to die alone?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Introverts can work, hang out with friends, marry, raise families, and yes have dogs!  And do so every day.  After all, if only extroverts did these things, only half the population would ever procreate!  Your job as an Introvert is to own your feelings, and not let others force you into hanging with Extroverts you don’t enjoy (You might have to work with them, or have them in your family, but you get to, in your personal time, choose otherwise!).  If you want to meet someone, you don’t have to go to a loud nightclub.  You could research to find a group of people who share an interest of yours – maybe books or movies – and meet new people there.  You can meet people online (though always be sure to be very careful with that, and only agree to meet in a public place, in case they’re lying about who they are).  And of course you can ask your family or friends to introduce you to other people they think you might like.

But if you truly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, again, that’s something that can and should be treated by a professional.  And a qualified one WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU with it, a LOT!

But your question really touched my heart.  You weren’t asking about the joys of making friends or falling in love, but about the very sad fear of dying alone.  So I want to talk to you about someone I write about a lot, my friend Aria.

Aria was born a shy, timid puppy,  She was then abandoned by her human family, got taken in by another family, kicked out by them too, and beaten mercilessly in her training.  She lived out in the wild for a while, afraid of all people.  But eventually she did agree to get taken in by some nice rescuers, who got her to a wonderful couple who took care of her for a few months, till they found an owner for her.  That owner has worked for years to get her happier, more trusting, and more herself.

Enah, today Aria is not only my friend, but a friend to a good number of people.  She’ll lie on their lap, get tummy rubs, and even play a little.  People love her. 

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, but you have a far better chance of finding love and companionship than Aria did.  And look at her now.

Your job is to try.  To try to find people who are like you, and who you like.  To treat any actual disorders you have, but also to accept your shyness and introversion as a part of you, even a virtue.

And while I hope we don’t find out just what circumstances you’ll die in for a LONG LONG LONG time, if you can find those people you can enjoy, and who’ll enjoy you, the odds are that you’ll find you can live very happily, with just the sort of companionship you crave, until that day comes.

All my very very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your ex pulls you back in and pushes you away

Chica asks:

I am still stuck on this one guy. We speak once or twice a week, though I am the one who texts first and his replies are usually short. He is dating someone else. He barely talks to me like he used to before. But Shirelle, I am still stuck because of one reason: he once drunk dialed me and said things like he wished he could say things he actually felt, he wished my parents had accepted us, he wished for us to have a happy story… During that call he was constantly saying I am the only one who actually gets him, who knows him, etc. I did not know what to say. Because I never expected him to feel all this, I used to think he had moved on and I didn’t matter. But after that call I am confused. Also, one of his close friends told me that he and his girlfriend had a huge fight because he was constantly talking about me in drunken states, and also said that this new relationship is just an escape for him. His friend told me he thinks that he is with that girl just to get over us, as it is way too difficult to carry on with our relationship after the way our parents reacted. I too feel that he is trying to escape from our situation. His friend also mentioned that he wanted me to hate him, hence he behaved the way he did. He wanted me to move on, so that it would be easier for both of us. I really don’t know what to do. I do want to move. I try to convince myself everyday that he does not care, that I am not important to him. But still somewhere my heart is not ready to accept that he is done with me. It  truly feels like he is pushing me away so that my parents don’t create a scene again and don’t harm me the way they did before.  I really don’t know what he feels. All I know is we both still connect, and we both still understand each other’s pain. I feel like there still is this weird spark between the two of us. Please tell me what to do

Your Mate,

Chica

Hi Chica –

So I can’t tell you, or anyone, that you’re right or wrong to feel the way you do about someone.  Feelings are feelings, not facts, and they can’t be right or wrong.

But I can, and will, make a suggestion.  I want you to imagine me, or if you have or know a dog you really love, picture them instead!  Now imagine you’re with me or that dog, and we approach two bowls.  One of them has regular dry dog food inside it, with a sign that says “This is very healthy.”  While the other has a delicious roasted lamb dish inside, still warm so the smells are just heavenly, but it has a sign on it saying “This might be poisoned.”   Now you know that I, or that other dog, is going to head toward that lamb, right?  But do you stop us?  I mean, the lamb’s sign only says it “might” be poisoned.  It might be just fine too, right?

But my guess is that you lead us to the boring one!

You love this guy.  He’s fascinating and passionate and has expressed all sorts of wonderful things to you.  But he’s also shown you that he can’t be trusted.  He’s all about you one day, and all about hating you, or resenting you, or hating your family, or loving this other girl, the next day.  Now he’s even shown that he can’t be trusted by her, because when he’s with her he’s sometimes talking about you!

Love him, Chica.  Feel all you do for him.  Just as I love the smell of that lamb.  But I’m going to direct you away from him, because as long as he’s the way he’s been, he is GUARANTEED to hurt you, again and again.  He has done an excellent job of proving to you exactly the sort of person he is and the way he treats others, especially those he’s romantically involved with.

Now as I said in my last letter to you, he might grow up.  He might change.  He might become a really fantastic man… someday.  But he’s not there yet.  Currently he’s many cool things, but he’s not trustworthy in any way.

Many years ago, my human friend Handsome was very much in love with a woman who treated him kind of the way this guy’s treating you, though they were a couple at the time.  She’d be all loving and adoring, and then pull away, over and over.  Eventually she broke things off with him completely, and he was devastated.  And a dear friend of ours said something amazing to him, that changed his life.  “I know you’re heartbroken and I hate seeing you feel so bad.  But I’m glad she broke things off.  I couldn’t stand to watch her treat you like that anymore.”  

I suppose, deep down, he still loves her to this day, at least somewhat.  But his friend was right.  That relationship couldn’t go anywhere, except to keep dragging him down.  

If you go back to this guy, I’ll support you in any way I can.  But I’d be happier if you told him, “Come back when you’ve grown up,” and found yourself some other friends to hang out with, and maybe another boy to fall for.  Or better yet, what he’s not yet:  a man!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend moves away and doesn’t have time for you

anonymous asks:

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 years.  My girlfriend just got into college 4 months ago, and recently she made some friends and, despite her busy schedule and assignments, she spends more time with them, and barely gives me any attention now.  It’s difficult to communicate with her about this because she gets angry. It’s been happening for 2 weeks.  Any help please?

Hi anonymous –

What you and she are going through is very normal, and really annoying, I know.  She went into a new world, and probably leaned a lot on your support while adjusting to it.  But now she’s there, she’s surrounded by it, and it’s her new universe.  She can still love you, but all her attention is on the people she spends her days with.  (Ironically, you’re going through what your parents probably went through with you a few years ago, when your attention veered from them to your schoolmates!)

I wish I could promise that she’ll put all her attention back onto you, but the truth is she’s on a journey that will likely lead many directions.  Tomorrow she might want your company more than anybody’s in the world, and the next day she might be obsessing about an argument between two of her dorm-mates.  And of course, at times, she’ll actually be focused on her studies!

And is it possible she could get more interested in someone special there too?  Sure.  I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, but just to say that nothing is predictable right now.

Nor should it be.

Are you going to be heading to a college in the future?  If so, you’ll go through the same things she is now.  And yes, a big part of the joys and difficulties of this experience involve your whole sense of your world changing. 

(I should say, I haven’t had to go through this myself.  I’ve only heard about it.  But I know that my human friend Handsome going to college broke the hearts of his two dogs then.  He’d come home of course, but it was never the same as it had been.  Their lives were fine, but he’d been their most special human, and… well, you know what we dogs are like!)

So what can you do about this?  One thing: Support Her In All She Does.  Show interest in her friends, let her know you care about her life, even the parts you might not be crazy about.  Be the best friend she has, the one she can always depend on. 

But at the same time, build your own life too.  Make more friends, get out more.  Keep yourself from being “that guy” who’s so obsessive about her that she feels suffocated.  And the more interesting stuff you have going on, the more likely she is to turn her focus to you.  “Yeah I have a big exam tomorrow, but I can’t study without hearing about how your night singing in that coffee shop went!” 

As I said before, nothing is predictable, nothing is guaranteed, right now.  Except that she’s going to be on a rollercoaster of emotions and connections.  And the further she pulls into that world out there, the more she’ll need the stability you offer.

It’s like when Handsome takes me to the dog park.  I fly into pure ecstasy the second I get out of his car, and rush to sniff everything I can, meet all the pups, play with anyone who’ll play with me, and get someone to run all my thrilled energy with me!  And then, suddenly, something happens.  I realize, I’m out there, in a field full of strangers.  I’m alone.  I have no one.  And… WHERE IS HE?!  I run around, looking, and find him, and run straight to him.  Jump on him.  Get a reassuring cuddle and lick his face…

And that’s just enough for me to run off again. 

But he knows I’ll always come back.  Especially when he calls.  Because I need him to want me, to need me.  And to take me home where I can sleep off this glorious experience.

Your girlfriend is in something bigger, sure, but in a lot of ways she’s just playing in the dog park like me.  So do what you need to do for yourself, and be there for her in any way you can.  And hopefully, and most likely, she will appreciate having the best anonymous in the world, just as I appreciate my Handsome more than I can say.

Stay Strong!  Vacation will come soon!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with great guys wanting you, while you want freedom

JuicyBest asks:

I dated a guy for almost three years, and I cheated on him, but despite everything I did to him he still said he loves me. I broke up with him because I started dating a guy who I recently broke up with, and he still says he loves me. The truth is, for now, I just want to be single because I’m 19, and 300 level in university and I want to focus more on me, school, and a business I intend setting up for myself when we resume.  But I don’t know If my plans are ok.

Hi JuicyBest –

So, um, I have to say, I think your plans are FANTASTIC!  Sure I would have suggested you not cheat on your boyfriend, but you were young, and it’s a lot better than cheating on a husband when you have three kids and a house!  So, hopefully you learned from that experience.  

And in fact, that’s what I’m getting most from your letter – that you’ve learned a lot from experience.  And this has put you in a place where, although two good (or great) guys are saying they love you, you want to focus on your schooling and setting up a business.  I think that’s just great!

You do have a couple of choices, though, now.  You could tell one or both of these guys that you need to be single for a while (say, a year or two), but you’d love them to stay in touch with you, maybe hang out at times, but just not get involved physically or romantically.  One good thing about doing that is that you’d get to learn a lot about them.  Would one say “Forget it, if I can’t have you for a lover, I don’t want anything to do with you!”?  Well that would tell you a lot about what kind of partner they’d be long-term, wouldn’t it!  Or if one says “Okay, but I’m going to need to date other women while I wait for you,” you’d get a chance to see what sort of guy he’s like with other girls – how he treats them, what he learns (maybe he’d even come to you for advice!).  Or, yeah it’s possible one of them could say “I’ll just stay single and wait for you.”  And that would say a lot too.

What I love about what you’re doing is that you’re setting your boundaries, and saying who you are and what you want.  How these guys, or anyone else, treats you is then up to them.  But you will then learn who likes or loves you AS YOU WANT TO BE, and who can’t accept it.  Which is just the best stuff to learn for your future!

After all, if Handsome didn’t love the wild uncontrollable puppy I was, there’s no way I would trust him to love the more mature goofball I’ve become!

So I say to go for it.  And maybe let me know what this cool business is!  I’m really impressed!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to avoid being taken advantage of

PERFECTION asks:

I have had enough of being taken advantage of by people. Being so vulnerable, being good, and all. Letting them just use me the way they want to. I usually only fight for myself whenever I’m already at my breaking point. Right now I just want people to stop looking at me like I’m someone they can use. 

Hi PERFECTION –

This is a huge issue for lots of people, and particularly for good, kind, honorable people.  You have values and want to live up to them, and find that you’re still getting treated awfully by those around you.

So there are two reasons this might be happening (and both could be true at the same time).  In one case, you’re just unlucky, and live in rough circumstances. For example, let’s say you were a slave, or a victim of kidnapping, or a prisoner of war.  In these cases, through no fault of your own, you’re being treated horribly and denied even your most basic human rights.  Or, at a lesser level, you are treated worse than others because of your skin color or gender or some other irrational prejudice.  In these cases, if there are solutions, they are complex and difficult, and I don’t have the brains to help (There’s a new movie coming out about Harriet Tubman, for example, who led a phenomenal system to help American slaves escape their tormentors.  I don’t have the brilliance to tell you how to do what she did!).

But there’s another situation, where the person being treated badly actually does do something (unintentionally, unconsciously) that brings bad behavior on.  Maybe it’s the woman who picks one abusive boyfriend after another; maybe it’s the guy who can’t keep himself from showing off his intellect and knowledge in ways that anger everyone around him; maybe it’s the child who has that “special something” that makes other kids want to bully them.  In these cases, yes, there is something you can do about it.  But I’d have to