Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to deal with Depression.

rain asks:

When I stepped in 9th grade I started having thoughts about death, felt hopeless, worthless, like a failure, I was on edge… I didn’t know what I was feeling I was so confused. One day my friend told me you look like a depressed person so I went home and researched depression.  Almost everything that I was feeling was there but I didn’t want to diagnose myself, so I ignored it. I started being more absent in school, didn’t want to leave my home, but when I stayed home my dad was angry and he said very hurtful things which made me worse.  When I was a kid so many people in my life who were considered family touched me in wrong ways, and my parents fought a lot and they still do, so basically everything that went wrong in my life started becoming a weight on me. I felt like a burden to my family because I scored very low in my exams, so I started cutting myself (I have stopped now). So now three years later I have come to a point where I don’t feel anything. The words that should hurt me or anger me don’t anymore. I feel numb and empty.  I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m bursting out of myself.  Nothing feels good anymore and I have no goals anymore. I don’t feel passionate about anything. My finals are approaching and I don’t what I am gonna do. I feel like a huge disappointment to my family, and I have started thinking about ending it all by killing myself. But I’ve realized I need help and I want you to give me advice.

Hi rain –

Let me start with one simple fact.  You have Depression.

Your letter, in fact, is basically a textbook definition of Depression.  Psychologists would give it a more specific name (Major Depressive Disorder for starters), but that’s not that important for now.  What’s EXTREMELY important is three things.

First of all, it is 100% normal for teenagers to go through a depressed time.  Human brains actually need it – your whole identity is changing from being a child to being an adult, and your mind needs to kind of “go into the woods for a while” to transition.  We hear adults complain about “sullen teenagers,” but they’re only forgetting that they went through just the same phase when they were young.  It’s a necessary time, and it can be a very useful time – your growing brain and self-awareness can lead to your gaining awareness about the world, empathy for others, your own moral code.  These are great things, and a beautiful benefit from this experience.  (While there are lots of negatives about this too, such as loss of interest in schoolwork, as you’ve found).

But secondly, your Depression is NOT just a normal teenage phase.  If I’m reading you correctly, you were abused by your family, more than once and by different people.  This has led to a Depression that has gone on for years, not just weeks or months.  And you’ve even cut yourself and reached a point of contemplating suicide.  This is an Emergency – your life is literally in danger from this Depression.  And something has to be done.

The first, and most important, thing I want you to do is to find a professional to talk with about your feelings and experiences.  I don’t know where you live, or what your lifestyle is, but a therapist, a psychologist, a religious leader who has training in counseling – any of these will help.  But you need someone, more than just a caring friend, who knows about Depression, and can help you manage it, and eventually work past it.

Secondly, they may recommend some sort of medication to help with the Depression.  I’m a big supporter of such medicines, but ONLY when they’re given by a doctor, with someone who keeps their eye on you!  Anti-Depressant medicines are not one-size-fits-all, and a pill that makes one person’s life five times better could make someone else break out in rashes, not be able to sleep, or get even more depressed.

(There’s also a danger you might relate to, that sometimes people feel as low as you do now, and take a medication that boosts their optimism just a little, to where they don’t feel good yet, but suddenly believe it’s possible to overcome these bad feelings… and this sense of possibility leads them to commit suicide!  Which of course doesn’t actually make anything better.  You see, when they didn’t see any way out, they were actually safer!  So again, I’m all for medicines, but only when prescribed by a medical doctor, and with someone following you closely to make sure they don’t take you the wrong way!)

And third, at some point, maybe not now while you’re still at home, you’re going to have to do some therapeutic work about what was done to you.  This will be painful – you’ll re-experience some of the trauma you felt as a child.  But it will be necessary, both to end the Depression and to move on into a better life.

I am SO GLAD, rain, that you reached out to me.  It was brave, and I am deeply grateful for your trust.  If I can help you in any way to find the help you need, I’ll be glad to.  But you’ve already done the first step, just by writing this letter.

I also love the name you picked for yourself.  Because you’ve just had three years of rain.  With big dark clouds, no sunshine, no blue skies, no singing birds.

But you know what’s coming?  Once you’re able to take charge of your life and beat this Depression down? 

Oh, your life will be such clear skies, with such beautiful bright morning sun, and all the birds and butterflies in the air, and the little animals running around grabbing food (and yes, us dogs chasing them with such joy!).

And bright green grasses and new leaves on the trees, and flowers – explosive flowers blasting out colors you can’t even imagine – all because of these three years of rain.

It’s not just going to be okay, rain.  It’s going to be glorious. 

Not yet, I know.  But soon.  Once you can move past this awful, awful time.

Let me know how I can help,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your friend thinks you’re cheating with his girlfriend?

Milan asks:

My childhood friend has a girlfriend. She and I started talking, only to solve the disputes or quarrels between him and her, but as this kept going we kept talking to each other and we got addicted to each other, till we got talking to each other almost every day, though neither of us wants a relationship with each other. But when my friend got to know that we talk this much, he told his girlfriend to not to talk to me. We kept talking, though, even though my friend told me to not to talk to her.  So now he thinks that me and his girlfriend are cheating on him and he don’t trust me. What should I do?

Hi Milan –

         I think the problem here is pretty simple, even for a doggy brain, but how to deal with it is much tougher.

         The fact is, your friend asked both you and his girlfriend to not talk to each other, and you went ahead and did it.  Your friend lost trust in the two of you, and is even imagining that you two have done more than just talk behind his back.  I have to admit, that makes sense to me.  You went against his wishes, and he’s hurt and angry, and imagining things.

         But there are two ways to look at this, and what you do next depends on which of them you pick. 

         First, if we say he had the right to ask this of you two, then you and she are at fault, and you need to beg his forgiveness, and start obeying his wishes, and not talk with her, at least unless you’re with him.

         But second, you might say that he had no right to ask you two to not speak, especially as you were working to help their relationship get better.  And if that’s the case, then he’s the one at fault, and you and she need to let him know this, so he can improve.

         But is it possible to do both?  Could you and she both tell him that you kept talking because you felt his request was absurd, and figured he’d get better at dealing with it.  But that now you realize you were wrong to do so behind his back, and you both feel just awful about hurting his feelings this way, and so will agree to not talk with each other for a while, till he can start to trust you two again.

         Do you see the difference here?  You’re agreeing to do what he wanted, because it means so much to him, but you’re still saying that you think his concerns and request were mistaken, and are hoping he works past all that soon.  That’s very different from saying either that he was purely wrong, or that you were.

         It’s like when my human friend Handsome leaves food on a short table that’s below my head-level.  Was I wrong to eat it when he wasn’t looking?  Sure.  But was he dumb to leave it there?  Absolutely.  And when this happens, he doesn’t get very angry with me; he knows it was really his fault.

         Here’s hoping your friend has as clear a realization.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What does it mean when someone says they “just want to be friends?”

PERFECTION asks:

Shirelle can you please elaborate this for me? Why do girls say they can’t be with you, because to them you’re only just a friend?  I’ve been struggling to understand that sentence, does it mean I wasn’t enough? Perhaps I was too much of a loser to be with her?  Ugly? 

Hi PERFECTION –

This one is always tough.  I do know cases where women (or men – both use this line a lot) say it and mean exactly what it says: they value their friendship with you and are scared that dating might ruin it.

But then it also can mean that they just aren’t interested in you romantically, or that they’re not interested in you at all (Handsome’s had a number of “I want to be just friends” cases who then wouldn’t return his phone calls!  Some friends!).

What’s unquestionably true is that they’re trying to say “no” in the nicest way possible.  And so I’m a big fan of playing along, whatever they mean.  Because if you get angry or hurt with them, it’ll just make them wary of getting together with you in the future, and maybe lead to them warning other girls to avoid you because you get so emotional!

Best to agree to be their friend, and then find out over time what they really meant.  Because in the short term, there’s no way to know.

But for now, may I direct you to a great old song about just this?  There are lots of different versions, some bright and cheerful and some deeply sad.  But it’s pretty brilliant either way…

I took each word she said as gospel truth
The way a silly little child would.
I can’t excuse it on the grounds of youth,
I was no babe in the wild, wild wood.
She didn’t mean it,
I should have seen it,
But now it’s too late.

I thought I’d found the girl of my dreams,
Now it seems,
This is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

I thought for once it couldn’t go wrong,
Not for long,
I can see the way this ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

Why should I care though she gave me the air,
Why should I cry,
Heave a sigh,
And wonder why,
And wonder why?

I thought I found the gal I could trust,
Whatta bust, this is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,

“Can’t we be just friends?”

Never again, through with love
Through with them
They play their game without shame
And who’s to blame?

Yes, I thought I knew the wheat from the chaff
What a laugh, this is how our story ends
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

I acted like a kid out of school
What a fool, now I see this is the end
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

Yes, I should have seen the signal to stop
What a flop, this is how the story ends
She’s gonna turn me down and say
“Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be
Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be friends?

Your friend (and I MEAN IT!)

Shirelle

0 What are good conversational topics, once you’ve started a relationship?

Danish asks:

Everything is going well, and awesome, with this girl I like.  But now I feel we are lacking topics on which to talk about. We already know about the likes and dislikes of each other, and now, most of the time when we talk, our conversation is just the same repeating format – like how we are, how was your day, discussion about songs, funny jokes and sometimes a little flirting. As you know we both are shy and introverted, so we are going very slowly.  Can you tell me how to make more better and deep conversation ? And secondly how to start talking on topics like kissing and taking it to another level? Is it necessary at this time or not?  If yes, then tell me what’s the beginning way?

Hi Danish –

What it sounds like you’re really asking is how to make conversations deeper.  You’re talking a lot, and it’s going well, but the subjects are staying kind of shallow.  Nothing bad, but… something’s missing.

Now I suppose I could tell you a bunch of deep serious topics to discuss.  The world’s religions, for example.  Politics of course.  Or questions of philosophy (“What is the meaning of life?”  “Could we just be living a dream?”  “What is reality?”).  And all those are fine.

But I’m going to make a different suggestion.  What’s missing in your conversations is meaning.  You’re not talking about things that mean a lot to you. 

Now yes, those could be religion or politics or philosophy.  But they could also be your frustration and confusion about how you’re being looked at by one of your parents.  Or what the better and worse aspects are for the careers you’re thinking of pursuing.  Or why is it your feelings were so hurt by something that happened today, that your conscious thinking brain says was no big deal.

Do you see where I’m going here, Danish?  There are topics that everyone in the world agrees are important and deep and complex.  But what I think would make your relationship more meaningful and intimate is talking about what really matters to you.  And things you might not be eager to share with others, except her.

And of course my wish is that, then, she’d start opening up about difficult things with you as well.

Now you also ask me about how to talk about things like kissing, or moving “to another level.”  I’m all for communication in relationships (and I’m VERY big on nothing happening without mutual consent).  But I also wouldn’t want you to kill the magic of intimate moments.  Talking about kissing is very abstract.  I can do that here: “I love to lick the face of everyone I meet.”  Okay, I said it, but that’s very different from doing it.

What I’d rather you talk about than kissing is your general sense of morality in relationships.  Are there things you don’t want to do before marriage?  Or that she doesn’t?  What are your feelings about divorce, fidelity, even abortion?

You see, these issues have nothing to do with whether you and she kiss the next time you meet, but talking about them will bring you better understanding of each other.  And then when you realize that you agree on 90% of issues and disagree on the other 10% – but are interested in hearing each other’s opinions and feelings, and have shown full respect for them – THEN you have a better sense of each other, and a better sense of closeness.

And then, when this guy, who’s shown her his heart and soul, leans in for a kiss, she will be at least flattered, and maybe feel “this is what I’ve been waiting for all this time!”

Hope that helps!

Shirelle

0 How to know whether someone is uninterested in you, or just shy

Kiran1209 asks:

         I was engaged to a woman who broke our engagement off on the day of our wedding.  I have worked hard to reach a place of acceptance, knowing my anger only kept me tied to the incident. 

Now, my parents are saying it’s time for a new start. They said, we will start looking for girls by the end of this month (January, 2020 ). From their point of view they are right, like how much time we will spend thinking about what happened to us. What going on in my mind is (I know it might sound silly), if people can break a relationship without any reason, I am just afraid to get into serious relationship with someone. I don’t feel like mixing with other people.  And also, even after being so cautious, like asking whether she was interested or if she’s being forced, I had to face the incident.  That been said, what I want to ask is, how do you differentiate between whether the girl is shy or not interested? I thought that a girl talking less and showing lack of initiative was due to shyness or family background (like maybe she’ll talk only after marriage).  Are there any pointers on how can you get rid of the above confusion in 2-3 meetings (that’s how much we get to make a decision in arrange marriages)? 

Hi Kiran1209 –

Your question is a good one.  And I do have some ideas, though I need to state – none of them are perfect.  

There are seven billion people in the world, each different.  And over time there must have been hundreds of billions. Is the girl who canceled your wedding at the very last minute typical?  Of course not.  But is it possible there’s another out there who would do the same thing?  Sure.  

It’s like if a person coaxed me to them speaking sweetly and handing out a treat, but when I got to them they kicked me in the side.  And after that I asked how I could know whether someone who seemed friendly actually was, or were they cruel.  There’s no way to know – though certainly most  people who have reached out to me have been friendly.  In fact, in my experience, every single one.  But I’ve been lucky.

So while I can’t guarantee anything, here are some thoughts on how most  people show the difference between shyness and disinterest:

First, you can simply ask them.  If they act in a way that makes you wonder, just bluntly say “I need to ask you something.  I had a horrible experience once, where someone seemed to be just shy and nervous, but then ended our relationship in the most humiliating way possible.  So I need to know if you’re interested in seeing me again.  I’m not asking if you want to commit to anything, but just if you’re enjoying where we are now.”  Sure, it’s not something a guy usually asks a girl on the third date, but you have great reason to do so, and if she’s at all sensitive, she’ll get it.

But, Second, you might also get away with a lot by just checking her eyes.  How does she look at you.  A shy person is often scared of how much they feel, so they’ll look away from you, but when they look back their eyes open wide, like me smelling pizza!  Does she seem excited at the sight of you, or bored, or even annoyed?

Third, you can ask about her plans for the future.  If she says she doesn’t know what she wants, or that she’s hoping to devote herself to a career, or (especially) if she says “I’m hoping to meet Mr. Right someday,” these are hints she’s not all that interested in you.  While, if she instead says “I know I’m interested in having a family at some point,” or “I love my job and want to keep it but also want more in my life,” those sound like she’s at least not dismissing you.  And of course if she says “I’m trying to figure my future out.  What do you  see for yours?!” that’s a very good sign!

Fourth, of course friends or family are always good for this too.  I’m not a big “behind their back” supporter, but if she’s too shy to let you know how she feels, it might be good to ask her brother or her best friend if they have any idea.  But be aware, if you do, they’re almost certain to tell her you asked – which might be a good or not-so-good thing!

What I really hope for, Kiran1209, is that, just as you’ve managed to find such a wise and accepting place, you’re also able to find a fun one.  And to realize that meeting these women ought to be a joy, not a fear-based puzzle.  Every woman you meet is potentially The One, and you have some excellent criteria to judge them on (honesty being a very big one!).  So get out there, meet the ones your family sets you up with, meet others too, and trust that, ALMOST certainly, the crazy thing that happened to you once won’t happen again.

Instead, something far more frightening might occur…. you might meet someone just right for you!  Who you love and loves you back.  And that’s when life REALLY gets scary – in the best best best ways!

Bowing with respect,

Shirelle

0 What to do when one partner in a relationship is much more expressive than the other

Danish asks:

Now the girl I love and I are in a relationship but she express her much less as compared to me, and I get very emotional almost every day, because we are in a long-distance relationship and I miss her too much most of the time. So I express my love towards her almost daily, whether through compliments, songs etc., but she does so much less.  So when I express my feelings she feels like Aaah!! and sends cute loving emojis, but she doesn’t take initiative to express her love. I know she is a shy and introverted (as am I), but now I am open to express whatever goes in my heart while she does much less. And when I express my feelings she just loves it and sometimes goes speechless and can’t talk after that moment. And sometimes she tests me a lot by changing her words from what she said earlier – say something new today and then when I feel fear she’ll go “Ohhh!! What are you saying?!” and then she’ll say like “how do you manage all the shocks I give you!” Then I say “Patience!”  

So can you tell me, what can be the reason she expresses her feelings less?

Or  does she express her feelings towards me in a different language which I am not getting??

Hey Danish!

I’m actually very excited by your letter.  I know you’re feeling some frustration, but what you’re feeling is MATURE frustration!  Let me explain.

See, when a couple first get together, anything that happens between them is exciting and a joy.  “He likes that same song I do!”  “She likes my dog!”  “He called me!”  “She let me kiss her!”  

But then after a while, these feelings start to calm down.  No big deal that you like some of the same songs, so you focus on the ones you don’t share.  Of course your dog likes her, but it’s not like she offers to walk him.  “Oh, who’s calling me?  I hope it’s my friend with the Biology assignment.  Hmmm… no it’s my boyfriend, I’ll just call him back later.”  And, yeah, “Why is it that she turns her cheek to me whenever I lean in?!”  

These problems aren’t bad, they’re just part of the stage you’ve gotten to in your relationship.  And this stage, unlike those first “honeymoon” days, are when the actual work of relationships begins.  

It’s like with Handsome and me.  When he first brought me home from the pound, he was thrilled with everything about me.  “Wow she’s walking around the house!”  “Wow, she’s chewing on my finger!”  But soon it turned into him getting upset when I’d pee in the living room, or bite his ankle.  And so the training began.  Both him training me in obedience, and me training him in what I like and don’t.

So you have a new job, Danish.  You need to start “training” her!

Now I don’t mean that you should give her orders.  But it’s time for you to start letting her know that, as much as you love her, you need her to speak up more, to reach out to you more.  That when she doesn’t, you worry.  That you wonder if she feels the same things you do.

Now when you do, she might get defensive, which would be too bad, if she feels you’re accusing her of something (which you’re very much not).  But hopefully, either right away or after you calm her concerns, she’ll do two things. First, she’ll realize that what you’re saying is actually really sweet.  But second, she’ll start to speak up about herself too.  Maybe she’ll say “I love you, Danish, but I just can’t express myself the way you do.  I need you to know that I’m always thinking about you, and the little things I write you are as much as I can.”  Or perhaps she’ll say “You’re so great!  All my life, everyone’s told me to hold back and not say so much.  And you’re asking for more of me?  You’re just the best!”

I don’t know.  But what I do know is that you’re right at the stage where relationships move to becoming real, and deep, and truly beautiful. 

There’s a lovely bit in the great dog novel The Call of the Wild, that talks about a man and a dog who love each other madly.  And when the man pats the dog, the dog’s fur is too thick for him to feel the man’s hand, and the dog shows his affection by biting the man’s hand, which hurts the man a little.  But while neither feeling is “pleasant,” both recognize that the other is showing love, and so adore these gestures.

You and this lady have the potential for something like that, but way better.  You can communicate about specifics and subtleties.  (I’m just thrilled I can know such words!)

Your relationship, which was already great, is about to get way better!  Have Fun!

Cheers

Shirelle

1 Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

Audrey Melanie asks: Do you believe in love at first sight?! I have never loved or felt loved but I have always believed in love. Never been into any relationship, but always dream of being in one.  I am 22 years old, denied and rejected by everyone, including my own family, but strongly believe all I need is love to move on. I need to love and experience love, but there is a problem: I don’t know how to get it.  A lot of men have approached me, but my conscience always rejects them. I always reject someone from the way I see them the very first time we meet. I plan to love but I am so choosy in everything (it’s not about looks, but once I realize a certain kind of behaviour, I keep off). I need love, and I want to love, but I don’t know to start and I don’t really know what love really is. I need help. I strongly believe I will love the person am attracted to at first sight, but what if it’s all infatuation and I end up heartbroken? Do you believe in true love at first sight?!

Hi Audrey Melanie –

I am a dog.  And as a dog, I fall in love at first sight ALL THE TIME!  I see a person or a dog and am instantly smitten – I want to jump on them and lick them and chew on them and become best friends with them all at once!

But that doesn’t mean I know anything about them.  I don’t know if they’re really nice, I don’t know if they’re trustworthy, and I sure don’t know if they’re someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.

So it seems to me you’re asking something bigger than I’m suggesting.  You’re asking if it’s possible to, at first sight, know that someone is totally right for you and will always be.  And my quick simple answer to you is… No.  Absolutely not.

We can pick up a lot at a first meeting.  Sometimes a person will meet someone and know at once that they ‘resonate,’ that they have similar energies, that they’re mutually attracted, that they have some values in common.  And that’s a lot!  But they’re not everything.  

For starters, it’s easily possible that you could meet someone and be correct about all those things, and then discover that they’re married, or devoutly belong to a different religion from yours, or have some other quality that means you can’t live in the same place.  They could even have a different sexual orientation!  Just about anything could be possible.

But it’s also possible that you could get along beautifully, get involved romantically, and discover other sides of them over time – maybe a meanness, a cruelty, prejudices you simply can’t live with.

These things take time to learn.  And I wonder if you’re hurting yourself by expecting too much to happen in an instant.  You are clearly a wonderful, loving person, and deserve to experience the kind of love you crave.  So how about if you take a chance on some guys who you find attractive enough, but who do have the behaviors you’ve demanded.  Love can build, when you’re with someone who’s right for you.

You know, maybe I should change what I said at first.  Maybe I don’t really fall in love at first sight all the time.  I go crazy for people and pups, and want all those things I said.  But I had all those feelings for Handsome when I met him, and my feelings today are so much deeper and bigger.  He’s become my everything in so many ways.  And yeah, that’s taken lots of time and experience and work.

So find some wonderful people and get out there and learn what it’s like to love someone a little, to have some commitment, to get a little intimate.  And my guess is, if you do, you’ll find soon enough that the wild gigantic overwhelming love you dream of will explode, inside you and right before your eyes.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Do couples of younger men with older women die younger?

Awerpia asks:

My girlfriend is 3 years older than I am. When we first met I tried to kill what 

I felt for her because of the age gap. But she kept giving me hope and pushing for what her heart wanted.  I fell deeply for her and I still love her. 

Truth is, I can’t imagine dating another person. I can’t imagine my future without her being in it. She’s older but she doesn’t treat me like her “toy boy”. But where we live, hmm, there’s some sort of stigma with marrying or dating an older woman. 

Recently I chanced upon an article that spoke of how men who married older women had a much higher mortality rate than those that married younger girls. The article also describes how detrimental it was for a woman to also marry a younger man in terms of her life expectancy. Shirelle, I really don’t know what to do. But to be honest with you, I’m scared of dying early.  I love her so much. What do I do? Should I follow societal norms and marry a younger woman just so I can live long? Is my love for her worth the risk? Should I follow love, marry her, forget about societal norms and put both our lives at lower life expectancy? Are these articles really absolute?

Hi Awerpia –

I have to say, I’m fascinated by this concern, and the articles you referred me to.  And I have a thought on them, one I don’t seem to see the researchers coming up with.

We dogs don’t have nearly the life expectancy of you people.  Ours, depending on size and breed, is between ten and twenty years.  Yours is in your seventies and up.  

So when my human friend Handsome first brought me home from the pound, he could assume that he’d outlive me by a lot.  That I’d go in maybe fifteen years, while he’d live for at least forty more.  And at first this didn’t concern him at all.  But over time, he fell really in love with me, a lot a lot a LOT.  And eventually he got to the point where he often tells me, “Shirelle, I don’t know if I can bear to live after you’re gone.  I’m not threatening to do anything bad; I’m just saying my heart would give out if you weren’t here!”

I’ve never heard of that happening to a person, to die of a broken heart when their dog or cat goes.  But it happens a lot in good marriages.  In fact, it doesn’t seem to be so much about a broken heart as that when one partner goes, the other follows them soon after, likely because, at some level, they just want to.

If you note, these articles don’t focus on all the bad marriages out there – unless I missed something, there’s nothing about the couple that marries with a 20-year age difference and then divorces.  It’s all about who stays together.

And this is my point.  They say that it’s “better” for men to marry younger women, but “better” for women to marry younger men.  I’m thinking the truth is that, if the marriage is good, then both tend to die around the same time, because they don’t want to live without each other.  And if those deaths happen when the man is 85 and the woman is 65, he’s lived a longer life and she’s lived a shorter.  Or vice versa.

So here’s the funny part of this: if I’m right, what these studies are really saying is that what’s dangerous for life expectancy is falling in love with a wonderful partner you fully attach to!   But of course, that’s the best life anyone can ever ask for!

And if I’m right, then it’s true that you might live somewhat longer if you married a girl who’s currently learning to walk.  But you’d have to spend the next twenty years alone, waiting for her to grow up, before you could date her!

And I’ll throw in another statistic:  Regardless of marriages, women historically tend to live a little longer than men.  

So if you put these two facts together, that women live longer normally, and that happy couples tend to go together, then I’d say that if you and this woman married, you might each live your full life expectancy, and die naturally within a week of each other!  So I wouldn’t worry too much about this one.

Instead, I’d urge you to do what you can to live as long as possible by not smoking, by eating well, by never driving drunk, by exercising, and by staying as happy and fulfilled as you can.  And that last part sure looks like it can most easily be accomplished by hanging with this wonderful lady every chance you get!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when both partners give what they think the other wants, but it’s not

Kez asks:

I feel my boyfriend and I are not getting along well. It’s always about sex and cooking for him, then he goes to drop off. When I need anything he helps me get it, and he introduced me to his sister the last time I visited as the lady he wants to marry in future. But he doesn’t talk to me much. He doesn’t open up to me at all. I don’t really know what goes on in his life. I love him and I want to be part of him, not just his girlfriend, but I want him to open up to me, and I want to feel that I’m part of his life.

Hi Kez –

            So I’m only guessing here, but I’m imagining that I get a letter from your boyfriend, that says, “My girlfriend just doesn’t seem happy in our relationship.  She’ll cook for me, and we have sex, and whenever she wants anything I’ll at least help her get it.  And I’ve told my family, right in front of her, that she’s the woman I want to marry.  But still she seems dissatisfied.  Can you help me?”

            If I’m right, what’s missing in your relationship is communication.  Not just the openness you’re wanting and needing, but simple “Here’s what I need from you” communication.  He wants to please you, clearly, but it looks like he simply doesn’t know how.  And currently there’s no way for him to find out. 

            This is very normal for couples.  And especially, male humans are often not as good communicators as you females, even on what seems pretty simple material.  The biggest reason for this is that little boys are often told not to talk about their feelings, that that’s too “girlish” a thing to do.

            So your job is to help him out by encouraging him.  Tell him you want to know more of what he’s feeling.  That it’s wonderful he wants to marry you, but you also want to know what’s going on inside him – what he likes and doesn’t like about your relationship, what goes on the rest of his day when he’s not with you, and what he thinks about.  Let him know you’re truly interested, that you find him fascinating.

            I know all this can sound kind of silly.  After all, I have a human who feels the same way about me – he’s always wondering what I’m thinking and feeling – and I can’t speak any words at all. 

            But there’s a wonderful direction in all this.  As your boyfriend starts opening up to you, he’s going to value you even more than he did before, because you’ll be the first person he feels comfortable talking with about all these things.  And not only will you feel better about your relationship, but so will he.

            So be kind, and be patient.  But let him know what you’re after.  The possibilities are endless!

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when a friend you’ve helped abandons you

Cupcake11 asks:

I’ve been very upset lately and with things happening at such a fast pace.

I feel like I care way too much about people and there’s probably something wrong with me that’s why everyone just leaves me.

This friend of mine I’ve mentioned earlier who had a really bad break up, and I was always there for her when she needed me, never did anything wrong to her, but even though she had healed a little bit and was absolutely fine, one day she decided to distance herself from me because I was really close to her and she gave an excuse saying she doesn’t need anyone’s love and care. I was shattered, but I still went on to help her because she used to cry behind closed doors, she stopped sharing stuff with me and her ex-boyfriend used to tell me whenever she called him or texted him.

I spoke to her about it and since I overthink a lot I thought a lot about it and kept thinking and it messed me up in the head. I tried my best to help her by not talking about him and just sending her small chits about how she’s amazing the way she is; I even wrote a letter to make her feel good about herself.

I had a separate group of friends I introduced her to, and she was the centre of attention always, everyone loved her and I was happy for her. But then after a small vacation, when everyone got back, she stopped talking to them too, and she suddenly became best friends with someone who’s extra sweet to her and almost does everything according to her ,and I felt like she is using her.

She also became friends with one of those old friends who disrespected her and didn’t treat her well before, a person who is alone, so she got back to her, who in her happy times didn’t even bother to ask how she was.

I was mad at her because we created a group and stated that we’re very busy in our own lives, and she wants to keep that little bond left. I was furious because our lives were never apart and we spent our entire day together, and suddenly she doesn’t talk to me at all. I exited because I really wasn’t  comfortable there, and she asked me why, and I told her how she’s hurt me by randomly ignoring me and intentionally distancing herself and everything.  She didn’t reply, and later she said she doesn’t want to.  When I asked if I’d said anything wrong, she said no. But this one text made me feel like she isn’t the one texting, because she never uses punctuation and she always uses short forms. It’s killing me to not get a reply from her, and also all the thoughts of her probably getting influenced by people or something.

I’m overthinking constantly (when I’m not supposed to) but she’s ruined my mind by leaving and coming back multiple times, and by trying and not trying at the same time. I have no idea what to do.

How can I stop such thoughts?

Hi Cupcake11 –

As far as her recent actions, the pushing-you-away-and-then-coming-to-you, I can’t really give any intelligent thoughts, as I don’t know her and what she’s doing it for.

But with the earlier stuff, I think I can help.  You see, you’re a good person, and really helpful.  But your relationship with her started to become something where your needs were getting involved, and twisted in with her needs (the ones you were helping with).  And when this happens, when a person starts to need others to need them, that can start to feel bad to the ones they’re trying to help.  There’s a word for this, codependence, where one person is dependent on another person’s being dependent on them. 

So your friend really needed all the help you gave her.  But as she got stronger, she started feeling your energy pulling her back from the movement she needed to do.  It was probably part of her healing process to push past you, to re-engage some of her old friendships, and such.  But when this started to bother you, and when you let her know you needed her to be there for you, that was too much for her, and she had to reject you.

Now don’t get me wrong, everyone can fall into this rut.  (After all, I sure need you to write me, which shows that I’m pretty codependent myself!)  But your job is to try to keep aware of it, and then try to reduce it in your life.

There are books and courses to help you with this, but the first step is the most important one – to see yourself doing it.  Once you do, it’s far easier to give this girl some space, because then you can see that she’s doing just what she needs to do for herself, and not feel that it’s about her rejecting you.

I know it sounds like I’m criticizing you, but what I’m really doing is telling you how good you already are, and giving you a way of avoiding unnecessary pain.

When I was a puppy, Handsome spent so much of his time taking care of me.  But once I got the chance to get out into a dog park, I ran off as though I didn’t even know him.  So, did he get hurt by this?  Not in the least.  He knew why I was so excited, and even encouraged it.

What if you did this with that girl?  Told her how cool she was acting, how she was making great decisions, how great her future was looking to you.  Would she walk away?  Absolutely.  But then she’d find those people to be just as cold and unfeeling as they were before.  And she’d come running back to you, the friend who was always there for her.  Just like the way I run back to Handsome in the park, every few minutes!

So I’d say to just go with that.  And see what happens.

And let me know.  Hopefully this works out really well.

All my best,

Shirelle