Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to get children to improvise in their lives

Shirelle asks: According to you what should today’s children do to improvise their lifestyle

Hi Shirelle –

Thousands of people have joined my pack, but you’re the first to ever have the same name as me!  That’s soooo cool!

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you actually meant to ask what children should do to improve  their lifestyle, but I like what you said better!

Improvisation is something done in all sorts of the arts, where one doesn’t just do a specifically-written piece, but instead works in in-the-moment creativity to create something new.  Jazz is music formed very often in improvisation (though we also hear it a lot in instrumental solos in rock and pop, or even moments in operas where a singer is allowed to make up a little trill).  And we hear a lot about Improv in comedy, where the performers make up a humorous scene as they go along.

In both cases, while the artist is being fully creative, they’re also following certain rules.  In music, the improviser has to stay connected to the song the rest of the musicians are playing, and in comedy, the performers have to stick to whatever logic their scene has going (so for example, if the scene’s taking place in a library, one of them can’t suddenly decide they’re swimming in the ocean).  The core of this is called “Yes-And.”  You have to agree with whatever has come before, and then add what you can to it.

So while your question might have involved you using a different word than you intended, I think you asked something just great!  How can children learn to play by the rules, just enough, but also feel free to add their own voices and meanings to the world they’re in.

Well, to that I have a few thoughts.

First, kids need to Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 How to deal with an overprotective family, after you leave home

Pennelope0214 asks: My family have been very strict, orthodox, protective people, like cross the limit kind. I wanted to leave my home because of that over-protectiveness, which I did last year by moving to college in another city far away. I have an elder brother; we didn’t used to talk but before moving he explained to me that he never liked my lifestyle due to which he was always irritated (my “lifestyle” meaning I use a little makeup). My mother is a very rude person, she’d call me dirty names when I did something bad. Even though I know they both love me. My brother didn’t know about that incident I told you about, where the man tried to cut my throat. I told him a few days back after the function in our college where another guy (who was my date, I didn’t know him but his friends and my seniors said he is nice) kind of harassed me which I told my brother. After all this he asked me to stay away from every guy and if he finds out something relating to any guy and me, he will do something bad. Yesterday we had another function, prom night. My mother kept in calling me saying she needs to talk to the college authorities, is it a university to study or just parties? When I came back I called my brother, and he said which guy did you go with? I said no one. He reprimanded me saying I am lying and he knows me, there must have been a guy. I cut the call. I am tired of living my life. I thought maybe when I’d move out things will change but no, that isn’t happening. This summer break I have to go to my brother’s for my internship and I am tense since I have to be there for one and a half month. He’d talk about that throat incident, boys and put on restrictions on me all the way over again. I don’t want to face him. I made a mistake telling him about the incident. I don’t want to go there or anywhere. I thought he’d understand what I’ve been through and would support me.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

I agree fully with you – the way your mother and brother are acting shows they love you, and it’s not at all coming in the way you need right now.

There may come a day in the future when you move away and get even more space from them, and that can be fine, just for you to get to live your life and be yourself.  I’m not a fan of completely cutting one’s family off – what I see is that people who do that tend to just ‘recreate’ their family with other people, and go through the same stuff they would have with their parents and siblings anyway.

But for now, you’re kind of stuck with them.  Like me in the cage at the pound, I could love or like or dislike or hate all the other puppies in there, but the one thing I couldn’t do was unlatch the gate and walk out!

So instead you have another job, which is to Continue reading

0 How to treat a sibling who treats you badly out of jealousy

Bubbles asks: As we’ve discussed, my family doesn’t trust my boyfriend. Now he’s going to go to talk to my parents. He said that he will answer any questions that they want him to answer. So that any misunderstanding will be cleared and the truth will be clear. I am so happy about it and he already set a date. But to be honest I am worried. Recently my sister took a picture of my conversation with my boyfriend through my messenger account and even from my phone. It was also due to me being careless that I forgot to logout. Of course it contains a lot of information about the two of us – conversations and some really private pictures. She even recorded my actions from our cctv since I am handling some of our family business and made me look like I am stealing. She spread the pictures and the video to all our relatives. Now everyone just keeps on judging me. There are times when I will attend a gathering and see my relatives give me a look of disappointment and disgust. Some even ignore me like I don’t exist, so I just stay in a corner, waiting for the event to finish, or I just make an excuse just for me to leave earlier. It hurts so much that your own flesh and blood will do those things to you. Even when I explained to them they won’t listen or believe me. I confronted my sister about what she did. She told me that as long as I will follow what my parents want then she will not spread the pictures. But I told her that she could do whatever she likes with it. I will stand for my decision. And then here she comes accusing me of stealing, ruining my whole reputation to where my relatives don’t trust me. I ended up punching her for what she did. How did I end up having a sister like her?!

Hi Bubbles –

I’m beginning to change my mind.  Not about you moving in with your boyfriend, he sounds just wonderful.  But about what the problem is.

I used to think it was people worried about you being treated right, or about concerns about morals and religious rules.  But I’m beginning to think those are just excuses.

I have absolutely no idea what your sister’s motivations were, but there was NO NEED for her to send that stuff around, and she certainly had NO RIGHT to get into your phone like that.  I imagine she actually committed a crime, depending on where you live.

So while I’m not a fan of punching, I sure understand how you were driven to hit her.  But I want to suggest something completely different: I would love you to Continue reading

0 How to deal with your fiancé having an ex

HELP asks: My fiance is divorced with two kids, and we are so much in love with each other. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But how can I be sure his ex-wife is going to be completely out of the picture? He is 32 years and I am 22 years. Though he has proven to me beyond doubt the love he has for me, I am a bit scared his ex-wife might still be in the picture. He is ready to see my family and marry me. Is this going to work out?

Hi HELP –

You really ask two questions.  And the second one I can’t possibly answer – I’m only a friendly dog, not a psychic or fortune teller, so I can’t tell you whether this will work out in the long run (any more than I can to anyone else).  Though it sounds pretty good!

But I can answer your concerns about his ex-wife.  Here goes:

Yes.

Unless this man is a lousy father who’s planning on ignoring his children for the rest of their lives, you are not just looking at marrying one person.  You would marry him, his kids, and her.  As she’s their mother, she’ll be involved in every part of their lives, and because of that, she’ll be involved in his life at least until the kids become adults.  He will have to co-parent with her, work out logistics with her, and very possibly pay money to her, for that whole time.

And you would almost certainly have your own relationship to her as well.  On one hand, there’ll just be the simple stuff where, say, you were supposed to pick the kids up from school and you get a flat tire, so you phone her and ask if she can get them.  On the other, maybe you two could become friendly enough that you can someday ask her advice on how to deal with him when he’s being difficult!

(Or, maybe she’ll always see you as a threat, and say nasty things about you, and try to turn the kids against you, and even try to win her ex-husband back from you!)

Now someone with a sense of humor might want to write in here that Continue reading

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend friend through depression.

Ashmita asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. It all started smoothly. But two months before, my boyfriend started having some problem. He used to get angry, even for some petty matter, and he suffered from sadness. At that time he told me that he was losing all his feelings for me, which I partly believed because he was going through a problem. I held on to him and firmly believed that everything will be okay. He soon visited the doctor and took medicines and reassured me that he stills loves me. Two days ago he again told me that thoughts like that still come to his head, but he keeps patient and waits for everything to become okay. His words show that he still loves and cares for me, which he tells me and I really don’t want to lose him. I suggested him to wait till he becomes okay and not make any decision in haste. Please can you suggest what else can I do? It keeps me worried.

Hi Ashmita –

It sounds like your guy suffers from Clinical Depression.  This fits with his ongoing sadness, his losing his feelings for you, the doctor’s medications for him… and with his belief that he’ll be able to love you as he did once he feels better.

True Depression is a really difficult problem for a lot of people.  It looks a lot like grief or sadness, the sort one feels after an awful loss.  But unlike those feelings, Depression isn’t necessarily about anything, so it can linger for a long time, even a lifetime.

Scientists have found lots of amazing facts about it in recent years, and have developed many medical treatments for it.  But – and here’s the tough part, for him and for you – no one medication works for everyone.  Because different brains are different, a prescription that works perfectly for one person will do nothing for another, and cause only nasty side effects in yet another.  The only way for doctors to find the right medicine for your boyfriend is what they call ‘trial and error’ – to try one out, see if it works, and if not, try another.  In the end, it might be a mixture of a few, at very particular proportions, that gets him where he needs to be, in order to fully be his happy, loving self.

So what can you do, during this?  Well, first of all, you can Continue reading

0 Should I date someone who’s still married but working to end it?

Bubbles_101 asks: My boyfriend and I decided to live together. So I am in a relationship with a married guy whose annulment is an ongoing process. But my family and relatives are against it. They said that it would be better to do it in a legal way where he is already legally separated with his ex-wife. But the problem is my family and relatives don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, and think that he might just be using me. So I am having a hard time thinking and considering everything that they have said. But all I ever wanted is to be with him. Since his a good guy and we both trust each other. We’ve been through a lot. We did wanted it to be legal, but what’s the point if you keep on hearing your family and friends that they don’t like him because his still married, they don’t like trust him because they don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, they keep on bad mouthing him and degrading him. I feel so disappointed with my family for the attitude that they keep on showing to me. So I wanted your advice whether is it ok to live with him considering that my family and relatives are against it?

Hi Bubbles_101 –

Congratulations on finding someone you’re so crazy about! That’s always good! And I have a couple of different points of view on this one.

The first is the most simple: if he’s actually in the process of getting an annulment from his marriage, shouldn’t he have some proof – letters or forms showing it? Even though you trust him, you could ask to see them just so you can tell your family you have, as proof that it’s legitimate.

But the second is tougher. There’s a reason Continue reading

0 How to get your sibling to live a better life

Cupcake11 asks: I’m having a problem again…I feel so helpless.. My brother is only 15 and he is completely detached from my family, I mean my mom and dad. He doesn’t talk to us properly, argues, and makes the other person cry. He gets angry very fast and then throws things here and there. I’m very worried for him because his only goal in life has become to hang out, or to own a bike or a car, or to be in power and bully, or to drive or to chill out with friends and friends who aren’t proper. His friends are all spoiled rich brats who drink, smoke, and bully people. And if someone messes up with them they use their power to torture them.. I feel my brother has a psychological issue. The way he reacts to things is very annoying and very scary at times.. He doesn’t listen to anyone. I went to have a heart to heart conversation with him and he got annoyed and started misbehaving. He doesn’t respect anyone older than him, and, God knows why, he thinks my parents love me more than him, when there’s nothing like that. Since he was kid he’s been stealing stuff and telling lies. My dad used to hit him, and probably that has made him so wild. He met with an accident twice but still he drives rashly. What can I do to get my brother to live a better life, and not a materialistic one?

Hi Cupcake11 –

Wow am I sorry!  This sounds incredibly difficult – for you, for your parents, and yeah, for him too!

My first thought as I began reading was “This is normal.”  Most teens go through some sort of rebellious phase, and 15 is a very normal age for that.  It can come out as just withdrawal from everyone, or as anger, or as this sort of misbehavior.  Sometimes it can be two of those, or all three!  But then you point out that some of this has been true for years – from his stealing and lying to being hit by your father.  And so it hits me – this is likely a deeper problem (in addition to the normal teen stuff).

Of course, lots of the time stealing is done just because someone wants something.  I am too honest a dog to pretend that I haven’t stolen food off of a dining table, or from another dog; I’ve done both quite a few times.  (And if you count eating out of the wastebasket, I’m a career thief!).

But when a kid does it a lot, it usually shows that he’s trying for power.  Same with lying – a little bit of lying to get out of trouble is no big deal, but if a kid does it often, it’s likely a way for him to feel in control more in life.

And when you mix those with what he said to you about you being the more loved one, I’m guessing that feeling has been there all his life.  “Cupcake11 is the favorite, she’s the one they always like, she’s the one they give stuff to.”  Even if they started out treating you both the same.

The problem is, once you start misbehaving out of that feeling, it begins to seem like it’s proving itself!  “See?  I got in trouble and she didn’t.  That proves they like her better!” (even if he’s the only one who broke any rules).

And then, sadly, after a while, that sort of behavior gets everyone to look at him just the way he thinks they do – as the troublemaker, as the “bad kid.”  And then it’s just about impossible for him to break out of this identity.

So you’re right to worry – he’s in a bit of a crisis.  The giant question is Continue reading

0 Why keep living when too many things go horribly?

teen asks: I’m quite heavily tired. I’m clueless, I even wanted to attempt suicide and if I die within these days, you don’t have any idea how much happy and peaceful I would feel. But I don’t know now what can I do, I tried everything, but nothing works anymore. It’s a long story: In short, I was in love with a sociopath for two years. I was depressed, my results study life degraded, but recently I got over that depression and I don’t miss him much anymore. I had never had the urge to understand my mother, I was rough, selfish, underestimating her all the time, but after my love life I understood her, I understood her feelings, emotions, her worries, her sufferings. Her love made me feel I need nothing as long as she is there with me and I wanted to love her back. I tried to help and chat with her, but in the middle of that my father died last November from kidney disease. I wanted to be with her all the time, I wanted to talk with her, be there for her, but I wasn’t stable myself for my father’s death. I didn’t give admission exams of universities but I did one exam 3 days after his death, and the result came that I failed. But after his death, my mother’s siblings started to treat her like nobody and hurt her in many ways; one of them even almost cursed her. So in that way mom was totally shattered into pieces. But it has been 3 years, and still she continuously despises me, and thinks I’m trying to get something out of her by acting loving in front of her. If I share something with her, she uses that as a time bomb, and hurts me by my sad past. She accused me of stealing money; she thinks I’m a devil. At first I used to curse her, then secondly I used slangs and thirdly I spoke back. But then my friends asked me to remain silent, and when I did she started to misunderstand me more! And as for remaining silent she beat me bad, she stopped giving me food. So I started to talk with her logically, I requested her to be nice with me but she doesn’t listen or believe. I always pray to God and say that from tomorrow I’ll be nice, but when the morning comes she always says something so harsh that I just go nuts. If I talk with her nicely she says I’m tricking her, if I give her proof that she is wrong she says I’m a liar. I ended up throwing a Jesus statue out of the window crying, and yelling to him why does he always ruin my plan to be a good person. I tore up my favorite things so that I can attempt suicide and there will be nothing left of my personal taste. I can’t fix it anyway. Look I know I’m bad, I’m not good, but why is this happening? Why can’t I change anything? The more I try the more she destroys me. She loves me I know, so then when I stop being nice or stop trying she pulls me back to her and talks with me and asks me to try, so then when I try she still scolds me like a mad dog without understanding anything. The main problem is that I try, but it never works. I’m tired of always crying everywhere. There are more things that went wrong but this will take a week if I start! Listen I know I have done wrong, but I have tried talking, working, being nice, everything I could but nothing works. Can you please please help me? I’m a little Internet-obsessed, every teen is now, but she always thinks I talk with men, she thinks I search for boyfriends; it hurts so much I don’t even use my fb account, never upload or take selfies of me, but she still calls me prostitute or something, My phone got stolen twice and she said she wouldn’t give me a new one, so I bought a 2nd-hand phone out of my savings from a guy, and she is mad at me for that. She says I want to convince a guy to have sex. I’m so speechless that I stopped talking with her; it has been 3 days. My sister came from her in-laws to stay at home for a few hours but I didn’t go to see of her, I was so scared of mom. Can you tell me what should I do?

Hi teen –

I do have a few things to suggest, but I think the most important thing for me to say is I Am SO Sorry!  I am sorry you’ve had to live with all this, I’m sorry about you losing your father, I’m sorry about your bad romantic relationship, and I’m especially sorry about your mother.

If there is one thing I’d love, it would be to see you guys go into family therapy.  This is such a difficult situation, and there is no way that you aren’t being wounded constantly by this treatment from your mom – who I’m sure feels victimized as well (and of course, just by the nature of losing her husband and then being treated that way by her siblings, she is!).

So if that’s possible, that’d be my favorite idea.  But if that can’t happen, then I really wonder if it’s not time for you to try to find another place to live.  It’s always hard for teens and parents to live together – you’re always going to get on each other’s nerves – but your case is far worse than most.  And if there’s a way for you to move out (maybe you could live with one of your sisters?), I think it would give both you and your mother a much-needed break from each other.  I’m not saying to cut off contact with her – in fact I think that would be a terrible idea right now – but if you could just see each other a few times a week instead of being on top of each other all the time, that would help a lot.

But I need to add something else here.  Everyone gets upset, everyone gets frustrated, everyone goes through grief and heartbreak.  I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer those things – you and your mother – but what scares me the most is Continue reading

0 How to give each of your children enough attention

MamaD asks: I am a mother of 4: 26, 24, 12, and 9. I also to care of my 2 grandbabies and 3 nieces and nephew. Now…my question is HOW DO I GIVE EACH ONE MY ATTENTION when they all want it at the same time!?. They always tattling and arguing with each other! They get me to the point where I bust out in tears!!!!

Hi MamaD –

I have no doubt that you’re right, that they all want your attention.  And that at least some of their misbehavior comes from their trying to get it.

But I have very bad news for you:  You’re only human.  And you’re only ONE human too.

So you can give each one your attention, but not all at once.  No one can.  (If anyone could, it’d be a dog, but even we can’t handle all this at once.  I’d be hiding under the table!)

So here’s my advice.  With your four kids, make a date night.  Let’s say it’s Wednesday.  So every Wednesday you have a dinner (or whatever works) with just one of those kids.  And once you’ve done one with each of them, you start over.  This way they’ll each get something like one night a month of you alone.  Then make another time when you can spend time with just the nieces and nephew – either all together or just some of them, but away from your children and grandchildren.  And then make sure you have time every day alone with each of those grandbabies!

Now to do this, you’ll have to pre-plan a lot.  Who’s going to take care of everyone else while you’re off with the 26-year-old?  Who’s in charge when you’re with the nieces and nephew?

And the rest of the time that you’re with all these kids, you’ll need to make some rules.  Such as that any argument results in BOTH arguers getting sent off alone for ten minutes (or, for the older ones, maybe an hour).  You simply can’t handle all this chaos at once.

But again, that involves pre-planning.  This is what we dogs are TERRIBLE at.  So I can’t tell you exactly how to do it, but it’s the only solution I see!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

ps: And congratulations!  As much trouble as they must be, how wonderful to have all these kids!!!