Category Archives for "Behavior"

What to do when someone wants to go further than you want

adds mguire asks: My boyfriend is a little older than me and is ready for more things than I am. He is very understanding, most of the time. Others not so much. He is sometimes very persistent and wants to do things I’m not ready for. I tried to be nice and try something out that he liked but all it did was end up making me feel distant and violated. He was very apologetic and all he wanted to do was make it up to me. I don’t know if I should voice my feelings or just avoid that situation again.

Hi adds mguire –

 

Okay, let’s get your last question out of the way first:  As long as he stays your boyfriend, you won’t be able to “avoid that situation.”  “That Situation” is called him being interested in you and desiring you, and you can’t avoid it any more than my human friend Handsome can avoid me being interested in food.  If I’m around, he’s dealing with it.

 

So my wish is that, yes, you voice your feelings.  Big!

 

But I also want you to do it in the right way.

 

One of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written (you can find it on the AskShirelle website) is to a question from HarrietteS, about how to deal with a date’s advances.  Now in her case (or, as I explain in my answer, in MY case), this wasn’t a serious boyfriend, but rather just an attracted male.  But my main point remains for your situation as well: it is vital that you realize your rights to your own body, your own feelings, your own wishes.  Sure you love him and want to make him happy, but there are lots of ways to do that (cookies are great!).  And you’re only saying that there are things you’re not ready for – not that you would never want to do them in the future – so there’s no reason for him to doubt what the relationship could sometime become.

 

The problem I often see in situations like this, when the girl (or woman or boy or man – whoever’s feeling pushed beyond their comfort level) is  able to state their boundaries, is that the pursuer ends up feeling shamed.  Like there’s something wrong or bad in your boyfriend’s desires.

 

There’s not.  Not at all.

 

So what I want you to do is to tell him just that.  “I know you want things, and I love that you do.  I love that you’re attracted to me, and want to have these experiences with me.  And I want to make you happy.  But as we’ve already found, if I’m pushed beyond where I’m comfortable, it does awful things to me, and hurts our relationship, and even makes you feel bad.  So can we just slow down?  Not stop, I love your touch and your affection.  But slow down how fast we move forward?”

 

If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, I think he’ll be able to accept that just fine.

 

Then, I want you to keep that promise.  So how do you do that?  Well, here are some thoughts:

 

  • Give each other massages. Neck and Shoulder rubs are great, very loving, and quite intimate.  Then you can move forward to other levels – like feet!
  • Try taking a long walk holding hands. And then just touching your index fingers together, and then each of your other fingers, for a long time each.
  • See how long you can sit and just look into each other’s eyes. It’s okay to blink, but looking away’s against the rules.  What do you see in each other’s face?  How many colors are there?
  • Turn out the lights so there’s absolutely no light in the room, total darkness, and sing to each other. Just focus on the sounds of each other’s voices.
  • Make up your own ideas of what you’d like to do together, and tell each other the stories. I don’t mean just about sex or such, but like “We ride horses up into the mountains and sleep under the stars, and in the morning a light rain wakes us and we ride through it till we’re both soaked to the bone.”

 

Do you see where I’m going?  It’s actually fun  to slow things down.  And can be for both of you.

 

There’s a great old song Handsome likes that talks about this beautifully…

 

Let’s take it nice and easy

It’s gonna be so easy

For us to fall in love

Hey baby, what’s your hurry

Relax and don’t you worry

We’re gonna fall in love

 

We’re on the road to romance

That’s safe to say

But let’s make all the stops

Along the way…

 

I envy you how much fun this ought to be!

Shirelle

What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly demands more money from you

Leeeee asks: I moved in with my girlfriend and her 2 kids and we applied to buy a house together, but now there are funds that we should pay and we don’t have, so I suggested we wait and save up, and when ready we should apply again, but she disagrees and even told me she will try for the lawyers to remove me from the bond if I’m not willing to sacrifice. That suggestion of her made me wonder a lot! Now I actually doubt the entire buying story, please help I’m lost, am I doing the right thing?

Hi Leeeee –

 

 

Okay, this is one of those questions where I have to deal with the fact that I’m only hearing one side of the story.  Maybe your girlfriend has a very different version.

 

But I can only work with what I’ve got.

 

If you’re right, that you two can’t afford the house you want, and you say you want to save up for one, and she’s threatening legal action to force you into paying more (or going into debt, or whatever ‘sacrifice’ she’s thinking), then my view on this is…

 

… You’re In Luck!

 

When humans get Continue reading

How to date someone with attachment issues.

Navyplum asks: I am facing a relationship crisis, as I found out that my boyfriend suffers from avoidant attachment disorder and now I don’t know what to do about it.

Hi Navyplum –

 

 

I’m not sure if I know exactly what you’re asking about. There’s a mental problem called Avoidant Personality Disorder, but honestly I have trouble thinking he could have that, simply because he’s your boyfriend, and someone with a full case of that probably can’t be in a romantic relationship.

 

But if you’re saying he just has attachment issues, that’s different.

 

Attachment is something we dogs are usually excellent at. It means one’s ability to connect to someone else, and how deeply they do so. It’s not a good-or-bad thing, different beings are just different.

 

Think of very young children, and how they’ll go through a phase where they’re all smiley and flirty with all adults, and then suddenly enter a time where they hide behind their mother’s legs whenever they meet someone new, and then they’ll suddenly greet everyone by sticking their tongue out at them. This is all healthy and normal.

 

It’s then equally normal to go through much longer phases in later years. A friendly teenager might go through a year or two where they’re distant and sullen, for example. And it’s so normal for their parents to freak out at this, as though they didn’t go through the same experience themselves (as did Hamlet, Siddhartha, and every James Dean character)!

 

But eventually, it’s true, people show their real, lifelong personalities. And some of them are really gregarious and friendly to everyone (think of politicians), and some attach super-strongly to one or a very few people, and some are mean and distrustful, and some are just shy.

 

As you can probably guess, I’m usually a mixture of the first two. I’m deeply attached to some friends, most particularly my human friend Handsome who I can’t imagine living without. But I’m also very friendly (some say too much so) to just about everyone I meet. Although whenever uniformed people walk into our yard, such as the fellows who check the water and electrical meters, oh I am a fierce beast!

 

But getting back to your question, “Avoidant” attachment means someone who really has trouble attaching at all. They tend to like keeping to themselves, they’re not very social, and have an awful time with intimacy. It’s not the life I’d wish on anyone.

 

And yet you say he’s your boyfriend. So he’s definitely able to connect with you.

 

I have a question for you, Navyplum. Has your boyfriend ever been tested to see if he’s on the Autism spectrum? That could explain his avoidance, while also explaining his ability to connect with you. For example, some of the most famous and successful people in the world today (Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, the late Steve Jobs, one of my very favorite musical composers Burt Bacharach) are known to have mild Autism (sometimes called Asperger’s).

 

I’d see if he’s willing to be checked out for that. If that is the case, modern society has many ways to help him (and you) out with it. But if he’s not at all Autistic, and it truly is an Attachment Disorder, I can only recommend that you both, together, seek out a psychotherapist or psychologist who specializes in this, to help you work through this difficulty.

 

Either way, you have been, and can continue to be, a glorious help to him, which makes me just say you’re a fantastic human being.

 

WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP ON YOU AND LICK YOU AND FEEL ALL ATTACHED TO YOU!

 

But oh well, I’ll just feel attached from here instead. And go jump on Handsome when he comes in next!

 

Thanks Again, and BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

 

What to do when you crave to do something new

Anonymous asks: Recently I have been wanting to do something new. So I was thinking about getting a new piercing but I’m not allowed as I am still quite young. So what else can I do to do something new? Got any suggestions? Thanks Anonymous

Hi Anonymous –

 

 

I LOVE THIS QUESTION!

 

It’s not that easy to answer, but I love it!  Because it’s so the opposite of what I’m usually hearing from humans (of all ages) – “Oh my life is dreary, there’s nothing to do about it, I’ll just watch more TV because there’s no way there’s anything else to do.”

 

I hate getting shots, so the idea of a piercing just sounds awful to me.  But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong to want one – it’s just something I’d never choose (if I’m going to take a chance on my skin getting pierced, I’d rather do it by chasing that stinky cat from down the street and seeing who wins when we connect!).

 

So here’s the simple truth – I don’t know you well enough to answer your question.  Because the real answer to “what can I do to do something new” is  Continue reading

How to handle a boyfriend or girlfriend who won’t stop talking about how great their ex was

Lawrence asks: Why do men talk about their ex to their current girlfriend? My boyfriend had numerous lovers in the past. Among those, there is one whom he spoke about in great details. How beautiful she was, how he sees her face, when he followed her to another city, how she was a look alike of another young actress, how he sneaked in order to be with her. It is intimidating and I am deeply hurt. When I spoke to him and asked him if she still loves her, he said no with conviction. He said I am giving such a big fuss over nothing because she is past. I gave him the chance to break up with me and search for his ex if his heart still belongs to her, but he said he will not search for her because he already found his love, which according to him, is me. My question is why would a man talk about his ex to his current girlfriend? And not just a passing conversation, he gave such vivid details.

Hi Lawrence –

 

My human Handsome loves to talk about the dogs he loved before he met me, and it’s never bothered me.  But I’ll be honest with you – I wonder if it’s because he always tells me that I’m his all-time favorite, and always will be.  Maybe if I wasn’t so sure, I’d be bothered when I heard about how smart Wolfgang was, or how sweet and lovable that dumb little Ygor was.

 

Of course, I really can’t answer your actual question.  I’d have to be able to read your boyfriend’s mind.  Perhaps he’s been trying to be honest with you, and not keep secrets?  Perhaps he’s afraid you’ll meet her someday and he wants you to be prepared.  Or is he actually playing games with you, trying to make you jealous?  I don’t know.

 

But I want you to try an experiment for me.  There’s a great Continue reading

Should I trust a guy who’s too nice to others?

Pennelope0214 asks: I’ve been dating a guy, but few days back I got to know about a senior who talks to him and doesn’t like me. So we were on a walk when she called him and as usual asked me if he was with me, to which he lied in front of me that he wasn’t with me. The next day I told him that if he has to lie to be with me then he shouldn’t be with me, and he cleared out by saying that she doesn’t like me and that he cannot tell her that he is with me because it may hurt her. He also said that he thinks that senior girl likes him but he has no feelings for her and if she confronts him he’ll directly say no and that I am his best friend, he expects me to understand this. When I insisted he said we are not in a relationship and that I can leave him if this is the case. I told him that he is hurting me and protecting others, to which he held my hand and said that he likes me and has feelings for me but he won’t say anything to that senior because according to him they are not that close. I told him that I get attached too easily and would like to protect myself this time. In the end I also said that I won’t talk about this topic ever again, I’ve said enough now it’s upon you to decide. I learned later on that he gifts her many things even if there is no occasion and that she made his projects. I don’t know what to do. What if he likes that senior and is lying to me about “us” but wants to be in a physical touch with me too? Should I stop being more than friends with him or should I let this thing go?

Hi Penelope0214 –

 

 

You are absolutely correct to question whether he is telling you the truth about this girl.  After all, we know that he has lied to her about you.

 

And if so, yes, there are many possibilities of what he might feel or think or be doing.

 

But we have no way of knowing those yet.  Instead, I just want to talk about the person he says he is.

 

Which seems to be a very nice guy – but maybe not what you need to get closer to right now.

 

Notice that I used the word “nice guy.”  I am a very sweet and loving dog, but I also bark, growl, and even bite (I haven’t bitten a person on purpose since I was a puppy, but if someone was hurting my Handsome, OH would they suffer!).  And I’m a hellacious fighter – whether for fun or for serious.  So while people might say “nice doggie” to me, I’m not really nice in the way some people mean.

 

You see, “nice” often means a person who avoids conflict, who tries to please everyone, who doesn’t put their own feelings out there.  And in many ways a person like that can be pretty great to be around.  But in the end, you can’t fully depend on them as much as you might want to.

 

My human Handsome has had this problem a lot in his life.  He’s gotten better over time (he credits me as his role-model!), but he’s had lots of experiences where he let friends – and people who weren’t really friends – take advantage of him, in ways he grew to resent.  And the simple fact is that, when he was this way, he wasn’t someone anyone could fully count on.

 

Now this guy is saying to you that he isn’t in love with this other girl, and he really cares for you, but because she doesn’t like you he doesn’t tell her about you.  I’m willing to believe him.  But if that’s true, then he’s Continue reading

How to deal with a date who treats you badly

Reena asks: I went on a first date with a guy I met online. I found he’d lied to me about his age. On Tinder it was mentioned 31, in his car he tells me he’s 34. He asked me where we should go next – a coffee shop or a hotel !? Ouch. Wow ! He tried to get physical, I didn’t let him cross a certain line. After that, when I reached home, he didn’t message me; I had to. Then he tell me in the evening that he isn’t looking to date anyone right now or get into a relationship, he’s not in that mind frame !! Wow ! Honestly Shirelle, I won’t bore you with details of how I feel at the moment. Chemistry is something that is very Black and White. You either have it with someone or you don’t. You can’t fake that. I took my time before meeting this guy in person. Though like most guys on Tinder he was pressurizing me to meet up. I took my time, till that trust was developed. He is a master manipulator! Or he simply doesn’t know what he wants. Then three days ago, he started an argument with me because I was at a guy friend’s house. This friend of mine had invited me to his place because he’d bought a new flat with an amazing view and he was very excited to show me his new place, that’s why I went. This Tinder guy started asking me questions like 1) Are you alone with him 2) Are you having fun 3) Did he flirt with you or try to kiss you 4) Why are you so eager to make out with him This actually irritated me to no end but I didn’t say anything. Deep down inside I really wanted to give it back to him. Shirelle, this guy tells me he can’t date me or give me a relationship. He has no right to ask me such questions. He is not my boyfriend! The moment a guy says he wants to keep things casual, he loses his right to ask your whereabouts and who you’re with. He loses his right to jealousy and possessiveness. And this is the same guy who told me when we met, that he doesn’t like possessive behavior!?? Wow ! Either double standards or he simply doesn’t know what he wants. What do you think??

Hi Reena –

 

Hmmm… let me see…  how can I put this…

Treat him the way I treat a fire hydrant?  No, that’s too intimate.
Treat him the way I treat a squirrel?  No that involves you having mouth-contact with him.
I know!  When Handsome finds a tick on me, he holds something hot next to it so it is in pain and pulls out of my skin, then he squeezes it in half till its blood pops out, then he pops the little vermin into the toilet and flushes it down, usually with a mix of cursing at it for daring to hurt me, but wishing it well to come back as something better in its next lifetime.
THAT’S about the way I feel about this guy.
I love that you’re as friendly and caring as you are, but even a loving pooch like me would let him know that after lying to you (about his age), putting demands on you you weren’t comfortable with (Oh would I like to take a bite out of his trousers for that!), and then trying to control you afterward with all these questions, I am DONE.
…and then, if I understand correctly, the action on Tinder involves…
SWIPE LEFT!
Sorry it went badly, but glad you’re safe!
All my best,
Shirelle

How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend friend through depression.

Ashmita asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. It all started smoothly. But two months before, my boyfriend started having some problem. He used to get angry, even for some petty matter, and he suffered from sadness. At that time he told me that he was losing all his feelings for me, which I partly believed because he was going through a problem. I held on to him and firmly believed that everything will be okay. He soon visited the doctor and took medicines and reassured me that he stills loves me. Two days ago he again told me that thoughts like that still come to his head, but he keeps patient and waits for everything to become okay. His words show that he still loves and cares for me, which he tells me and I really don’t want to lose him. I suggested him to wait till he becomes okay and not make any decision in haste. Please can you suggest what else can I do? It keeps me worried.

Hi Ashmita –

 

It sounds like your guy suffers from Clinical Depression.  This fits with his ongoing sadness, his losing his feelings for you, the doctor’s medications for him… and with his belief that he’ll be able to love you as he did once he feels better.

 

True Depression is a really difficult problem for a lot of people.  It looks a lot like grief or sadness, the sort one feels after an awful loss.  But unlike those feelings, Depression isn’t necessarily about anything, so it can linger for a long time, even a lifetime.

 

Scientists have found lots of amazing facts about it in recent years, and have developed many medical treatments for it.  But – and here’s the tough part, for him and for you – no one medication works for everyone.  Because different brains are different, a prescription that works perfectly for one person will do nothing for another, and cause only nasty side effects in yet another.  The only way for doctors to find the right medicine for your boyfriend is what they call ‘trial and error’ – to try one out, see if it works, and if not, try another.  In the end, it might be a mixture of a few, at very particular proportions, that gets him where he needs to be, in order to fully be his happy, loving self.

 

So what can you do, during this?  Well, first of all, you can Continue reading

How to get your sibling to live a better life

Cupcake11 asks: I’m having a problem again…I feel so helpless.. My brother is only 15 and he is completely detached from my family, I mean my mom and dad. He doesn’t talk to us properly, argues, and makes the other person cry. He gets angry very fast and then throws things here and there. I’m very worried for him because his only goal in life has become to hang out, or to own a bike or a car, or to be in power and bully, or to drive or to chill out with friends and friends who aren’t proper. His friends are all spoiled rich brats who drink, smoke, and bully people. And if someone messes up with them they use their power to torture them.. I feel my brother has a psychological issue. The way he reacts to things is very annoying and very scary at times.. He doesn’t listen to anyone. I went to have a heart to heart conversation with him and he got annoyed and started misbehaving. He doesn’t respect anyone older than him, and, God knows why, he thinks my parents love me more than him, when there’s nothing like that. Since he was kid he’s been stealing stuff and telling lies. My dad used to hit him, and probably that has made him so wild. He met with an accident twice but still he drives rashly. What can I do to get my brother to live a better life, and not a materialistic one?

Hi Cupcake11 –

 

 

Wow am I sorry!  This sounds incredibly difficult – for you, for your parents, and yeah, for him too!

 

My first thought as I began reading was “This is normal.”  Most teens go through some sort of rebellious phase, and 15 is a very normal age for that.  It can come out as just withdrawal from everyone, or as anger, or as this sort of misbehavior.  Sometimes it can be two of those, or all three!  But then you point out that some of this has been true for years – from his stealing and lying to being hit by your father.  And so it hits me – this is likely a deeper problem (in addition to the normal teen stuff).

 

Of course, lots of the time stealing is done just because someone wants something.  I am too honest a dog to pretend that I haven’t stolen food off of a dining table, or from another dog; I’ve done both quite a few times.  (And if you count eating out of the wastebasket, I’m a career thief!).

 

But when a kid does it a lot, it usually shows that he’s trying for power.  Same with lying – a little bit of lying to get out of trouble is no big deal, but if a kid does it often, it’s likely a way for him to feel in control more in life.

 

And when you mix those with what he said to you about you being the more loved one, I’m guessing that feeling has been there all his life.  “Cupcake11 is the favorite, she’s the one they always like, she’s the one they give stuff to.”  Even if they started out treating you both the same.

 

The problem is, once you start misbehaving out of that feeling, it begins to seem like it’s proving itself!  “See?  I got in trouble and she didn’t.  That proves they like her better!” (even if he’s the only one who broke any rules).

 

And then, sadly, after a while, that sort of behavior gets everyone to look at him just the way he thinks they do – as the troublemaker, as the “bad kid.”  And then it’s just about impossible for him to break out of this identity.

 

So you’re right to worry – he’s in a bit of a crisis.  The giant question is Continue reading

Why is my boyfriend or girlfriend acting completely hostile angry to me

dark horse asks: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, but recently he has been acting out. Last I brought up something to talk about and he gave me shouting. I asked him about his friend and he told me to **** off and in return I asked why he was being rude, and he said **** off again. So do you have any idea what causes a 23-year-old boy to act so bizarre?

Hi dark horse –

 

 

My simple answer to you is that I have no idea what caused your boyfriend to act this way.  In fact, from what you tell me, there’s no way to find out.

 

Which means something very simple: It’s something else.

 

A few thoughts that go through my mind:

1) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, that is completely untrue.

2) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, you know about, but you don’t see in the negative way he does.

3) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, that you’re just not telling me!

4) He was under the influence of some substance – perhaps some medication or some recreational illegal drug – that led him to react this way.

5) He was bitten by a werewolf and is turning into one himself.

 

If it’s #4 or #5, my advice is that you were right to dump him and you should give him lots of space until he fixes whatever’s wrong and comes around to apologize.

 

But if it’s one of the first three, maybe a friend of his could tell you what’s up?

 

Sorry, but beyond those, I have no idea!  I’m very bright for a dog, but this would require my being a psychic at the least!

 

Good luck with it – I hope you get to find out anyway!

Shirelle

 

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