Category Archives for "Adults"

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend through terrible times

Snowball18 asks: My boyfriend just lost his sister 2 months back, and his grandfather is in a serious condition. Right now he just found out he failed his last semester exams, and today, his birthday, he gets to know his parents are probably getting divorced because his mother is still in shock over her daughter’s death and is not behaving normally. He even had suicidal thoughts a day back. I want to support him as much as I can but my parents don’t want me to see him, thinking I am still small (I am 18) and we are in a long distance. I can’t figure out how to help him but I just want him to know I am there for him.

Hi Snowball18 –

Wow that’s just awful!  The poor guy – this is TOO MUCH!

This is as tough as his life will probably ever get – all these hurts and losses and disasters at once.  And so yes, I think you’re right that he needs your help.

But I agree with your parents about something in this, something very important.  They say that you’re “small.”  And they’re right.

I don’t mean that you’re too young, or that you’re not tall enough, to help him out.  What I mean is that NO ONE can give him what he needs.  No one is “big” enough.

What he needs is for his sister to come back to life.  And his grandfather to heal to full health.  And for his grades to suddenly be much better.  And for his mother to feel better (though she probably would if her daughter suddenly came back) and for that to make their marriage better.  And all this would hopefully be enough to take away those awful thoughts of him killing himself.

But you can’t do any of those.  And neither can I.  No human or dog can.  If he has a faith or religion, this is a time he could really lean on that – not necessarily to pray for a total miracle (like his sister resurrecting), but just for things to be okay (like believing his sister’s at peace in a good place).  But even that involves believing in something bigger than us.

But you, small as you are, can do something.  And something very BIG.  Maybe the biggest thing any human can ever do.

Which is

0 What to do when you meet your crush and they like you

polarbear asks: She was in my school and I had a major crush on her, but I could never even speak to her later after school. She went to a different college from me, but after some time I met her on a bus, and she smiled and said hi. I too smiled and wished her hello, and left since I was in hurry. I then searched her on Instagram and started chatting with her. She replied. So what should I do now? Should I ask her out on a date and tell about the crush?

Hi polarbear –

WOW what a great story!  It sounds like it should be a song!

Now I’d have to know a lot more about her to be able to give you definite advice on what to do or when, but the one thing that’s VERY clear is that she has initiated contact, so you should keep chatting and being friendly at least!

My suggestion would be that you

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend turns abusive

Nemo asks: My boyfriend drinks a lot, and he gets all angry at me after that, and now he has blocked me. He doesn’t give anyone a second chance. I literally wasn’t at any fault this time now. I wanna talk to him, I wanna get back together with him, and I am ready to apologize – but how do I when he’s not ready to listen?

Hi Nemo –

So I get questions like this a lot, especially recently.  Now I’m going to turn it around onto you. 

Imagine I wrote you, and said “I have a human who gets drunk and beats me with his belt.  I can’t trust him, and sometimes it’s so bad I’m unable to walk.  Last night, he kicked me out of his home and shut the gate.  I’m trying to get back in, because I love him so much and don’t want to go find a neighbor to take care of me.  What can I do?

Wouldn’t your response be, “Find that neighbor!  Get away from this guy, he’s awful!”

So if so, why are you being kinder to me than to yourself?

Nemo, this guy drinks too much, and is then abusive.  Now he’s even blocking you and not speaking to you.

Why in the world go back to him?

I completely understand if you love him, or even are in love with him.  But – and listen very closely to this – You Can Find Someone Else To Love!  There are other people out there who are kind and would appreciate and value you. 

What your boyfriend needs is

0 Should you stay with someone abusive because they’re better than your previous?

chebae asks: I’m 18 years old. I had a crush for 5 years and it ended when I get to know his true self (he was just a pervert) when I was 16. And I really had a hard time trying to forget him. I cried and cried, and at last got over him and was happy and busy enjoying with my friends and with my studies. After two years I met another guy at a party and I really wasn’t interested about him at all, but one day I saw his Instagram account and happened to follow it, and the next day he sent a message saying hi. At first I was a bit confused about why he wanted to say hi and asked my friends whether to reply to him or not, and they said just say hi and see, so I replied and he was such a nice guy. Soon we became good good friends and there wasn’t a day that we didn’t text. And one day to my surprise he said that he loves me, and that he feels like he can’t be without me, and said it was love at first sight. And that while he was thinking of a way to contact me, I followed him. At first I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. I was afraid to love again, I was afraid of the pain I had to go through last time and didn’t want that to happen ever again. I’d told him about that crush already so he knew all of this, so I said to him that I’m afraid. I explained to him that when I fall in love it’s really hard for me to get through it. But he said he’s willing to wait until I open up for him, and after some time I really fell in love with him. I was just head over heels for him – but we’ve never met since that party. But suddenly, I don’t know what to say. We started to fight for many reasons and he even started lying to me. Every time we fight I am the one who has to call him and make up again, and sometimes he doesn’t even apologize for his faults. I bared all the things for the sake of our love and I wanted this to last long. But now he even tells me that I am a pain for him. I asked whether he still likes me or wants to leave me, and he said he wants to stop this. I was so in pain, and I ended up crying every night secretly. When I tried to talk to him about this, he was just mad at me and told me to concentrate on my exam (which is 2 months away). He said he is pushing me away because of it, but I don’t feel like that’s the reason. Because even when I give him a call once a while he just keeps shouting and telling me that I am such a pain for him. And he keeps lying to me, giving so many reasons as to why he can’t contact me. I tried to meet him for weeks but he kept avoiding it. I called him many times at night but he didn’t even answer my calls – and he was sleeping every night comfortably while I was crying until late at night. I don’t know how we ended up like this! This time I’m in much more pain than the last time. Last time it was just a crush but this time it’s a relationship. I love him, I want him, but I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk with him about this many times, but he doesn’t respond to me. What can do now?! I am just broken and really sad.

Hi chebae –

Your story reminds me of when I spent five days in the dog pound.  Every hour or so, someone would come by my cage and look in, and I’d get thrilled – I’m getting out of here, my life is being saved, I’m going to be loved and played with forever! – and then they’d choose another puppy, or leave without any.  And each time my heart would break, and I’d be sure that I’d never meet anyone else, ever.

Now as you know, eventually one person DID choose me, but even he had left the first time, worrying that I wouldn’t be the right pup for him.

You have had two potential “owners,” and both didn’t work out.  In fact, both turned out to be really awful candidates – one because you found him a “pervert,” and the other because he went from nice to really mean and abusive! 

But here’s the good news.  There’s no time limit on your singlehood.  No one’s going to take you into a back room and inject you with poison because you didn’t have a boyfriend by a certain date!  So you’re in way better shape than I was!

And you, like me, have a hopeful and open heart.  Which means that you’ve been hurt.  Badly, and twice.  And I’m awfully sorry for that.

But you still have that heart.  And somewhere out there is another boy, who is going to like you just as much as this second one did at first, but will be SANE, and not turn on you like a lunatic!  And yeah, it won’t be perfect, but he’ll take you out and treat you well, and it’ll last a while… and then, there’s a really good chance, it will end too.  Just because you’re both young and growing.

But your job, my friend, is to

0 How to deal with a boyfriend’s family when one of them won’t accept you because of your caste

Sneha asks: I love my boyfriend, and have been struggling with his family not wanting me, because I’m of a different caste. Now I learn that his mother is scared of his father – she was talking to me on the phone and suddenly said “his father is coming, I can’t talk to you now!” But yes she is talking to me nicely, even more than her own son she talks to me lots as she makes cakes! She loves to talk (she has a cake shop), and she loves that I give her some good tips to promote the business. But she told me today she had talked to his father, and he said he is searching girls for my boyfriend, that he will never accept me because their community will boycott them, “And one other thing, I don’t find anything good in that girl!” What should I do?

Hi Sneha –

I am heartbroken over this!  EVERYONE is on your side except this one man, and I don’t want him to win – especially with his dumb line about “I don’t find anything good in that girl.”  Well Mister, I don’t find anything BUT good in her, and I’m not seeing much good in you right now, so there!

It’s actually making me think of a great old romantic story, it started as a French novel, The Lady of the Camellias, but later became a great movie Camille and one of the most popular operas ever written, La Traviata.  The difference is that the girl in it isn’t of a different caste – she’s a courtesan (or high-class prostitute!).  Still, this young man falls very in love with her and she with him, and all is fine except that his father refuses to let them marry, believing she’s only using his son.  Eventually she becomes ill, largely from heartbreak, and the father goes to her to apologize, realizing she was sincere, but it’s too late, and she dies in her beloved’s arms.

Great novel, great movie, great opera… and a LOUSY way for your story to end!!! 

But I bring it up, because even that father did come around eventually.  And I’m thinking maybe this one can too.

But the only way is for all three of you – you, your boyfriend, and his mother – to

0 What to do if you’re falling for someone who might be using you for an ulterior motive

Yara asks: I have been dating a guy for almost 8 months. I was a student in London and at a part time job when we got to know each other. Some of the people who worked with me claimed that he mentioned that his intentions with me were to get me pregnant and claim visa in the UK. I was shell-shocked. I moved away and slowly we stopped talking. Then once during my night shift as I was leaving from work I got mugged. He rang me when he learned this and we cleared the air on these rumors, since he claimed that he’d never intended to stay in London after his divorce but he wanted head back to his home country. Since then he has been of great help and company to me. As time passed, he went back to his home country, I went back to mine, and we started having a long distance relationship. My question is, I really like this guy but I am not sure if he is with me because he sees me as an easy ticket to a better destination since I am planning to migrate and he knows that. Is that why he is with me? I feel a bit confused and guilty for thinking this, but don’t know how to stop.

Hi Yara –

What concerns me the most here isn’t exactly the question about your immigration status, or even whether this man wants to get you pregnant, but rather that you have a relationship with so little trust in it.

I get lots of letters from people who worry that their boyfriend or girlfriend might cheat on them, or be interested in their money.  But you’re questioning the whole basis of his interest in you – that he’s only after a visa, and would be such a jerk as to create a child to get it.  Now I have no idea if he is or isn’t that way, but I would sure hope you would be very hesitant to get too close to someone you felt might be like that!

On the other hand, we know that there are very charming people in the world who can convince anyone of anything, so it’s not impossible this guy could be one of those.  So how can we find out?

Well one answer would be to

0 What to do when you can’t get over your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s past love life

him5322 asks: I love a girl and she loves me back truly, but when we first met she shared about her past relationship and her physical relationship with her ex. For some days I had no problem with this. But now I can’t even sleep well thinking about her past relationship and what she did with her ex. I haven’t broken up with her because I don’t want to break her heart. But if I decide to live with her in the future, even then I’ll not be happy with her because of her past relationship. What do I do to get rid of this serious matter? Give me a solution that helps.

Hi him5322 –

I respect your honesty, admitting that her earlier relationship bothers you.  I hope you’re able to tell her your feelings about it.

And it makes sense – you want a committed relationship with her, and the fact that she was intimate with another guy before you feels like it cuts into that.

But I want you to

0 How to deal with a boyfriend or girlfriend who demands more of your time

Nsom asks: I love this girl from the past 2 years. And I know she feels the same because she has told me multiple times. But she wants some time to get into a relationship. But she always moves away and I don’t get the same attention from her until I try and spend as much time as possible, even with me busy with my hectic work schedule. I feel insecure now. How can I get her to give the same attention back to me once again? Or what can I do to improve the relationship I have with her?

Hi Nsom –

So if I understand this right, she’s saying that she loves you, but she wants to move slowly in your relationship, and she insists on your full attention before she’ll spend time with you.

I think maybe she’s kind of perfect! 

No one really likes getting half of anyone’s attention, until a relationship is so comfortable that it’s nice to just hang out doing different things (like I love it when Handsome sits in the yard with me reading while I sniff around for squirrels – but we have a very  comfortable, committed relationship).  And I find so many young women struggle with owning their right to demand this – and she’s sounding really healthily together on this!

So if I’m understanding everything rightly, she’s telling you how to get more attention from her, which is to make time in your busy schedule to give her your full attention.  And if that’s two hours a week, then maybe that’s all you can get right now.  But she loves you and is willing to take time on this, so I think you’re in good shape.

And if this leaves you super-frustrated, and you want more time with her… then you and she are in exactly the same place!  And whether you can put a little less time into your work, or pass up on some other things in your life… I think she’s saying that’s the key!

Congratulation, and best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do with a boyfriend or girlfriend who demands everything be on their terms

Zynella asks: I’m in this relationship and don’t know whether to leave or try more. I feel I don’t get the total care and attention I need. He acts really insecure all the time. Really weird whenever he sees me relating with other male folks. He says he loves me but I really doubt that sometimes. He wants us to remain low-key for now and not trumpet the relationship, and I don’t feel comfortable about that. He’s not introduced me to anyone close to him yet though we’re just a year and some months. He doesn’t like calling, only prefers to chat, and I’m just the other way round. He can be really possessive and authoritative sometimes. He got his heart broken by a lady who left him for someone else and he feels I’m also going to do same whenever I say I’m tired. And what I’m tired of is his behaviors, sometimes to the point of not loving him. I find it difficult to get emotionally attached to people and when I do is always hard to let go. Now I’m on a crossroads of letting go or still hanging on a little more – I don’t know. I still love him very much but this is torture. He’s not violent in anyway and can be very romantic sometimes. Please what do I do?

Hi Zynella –

You bring up a lot of issues, and each is worth discussing, but I’m mostly struck by one feeling as I read your letter.  Which is that this is a guy who demands that everything be on his terms, 100% of the time. 

Now I know there can be something very attractive about people like that.  You always know what they want, they tend to be very interesting…  but relationships with them can also be ones where you lose yourself! 

In a funny way, it’s not unlike my life with my human friend Handsome.  He gives me a yard I can play in, but he’s really the one who determines when we meet and what we do – whether going to the dog park or the beach or the veterinarian’s office! 

But you’re a human.  And you deserve to have more say in things. 

So what I’d really like is for you to do is to

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend leaves you for an arranged marriage

Pallabi asks: I want to ask you about my relationship. Formerly we were good, but his family fixed his marriage to a girl. After one year he will be married to her, because he can’t go against his family. I love him. What should I do now?

Hi Pallabi –

         I’m awfully sorry you’re in this tough position – a position I see a lot these days.  The concept of Arranged Marriage works much better when both members don’t date other people beforehand, and a society based in dating works better when the young people get to choose who they want to stay with. 

         The mix of having people date, get attached, maybe even fall in love – and then get sent off to marry whoever their parents say… doesn’t really seem to work!

         Now one thing I’m not grasping from your letter is just how your beloved feels.  I know he wants to be obedient to his parents, but is that all he’s feeling, or would he rather be with you than his chosen bride?  If so, then maybe you can talk him into talking with his parents, and selling them on the idea of you instead of her. 

         But if not, if he’s really okay with the way things are, then I’m very sorry to say that I think you just need to let him go.  I know it’s heartbreaking – you’ll feel the way I felt in the pound when people I’d hope would take me home chose to take another dog instead.

         But there’s a good side to this too.  You see, he will be stuck with whoever his parents chose (who might be a perfectly wonderful woman, of course).  But you get to go back into the dating world, and find someone YOU choose, and who will choose YOU! 

         So right now, you feel rejected, and I sure understand that.  But a year from now, when they’re squabbling and wishing they hadn’t agreed to this, and you’re off having fun with guys you really like…

         I think it’s going to be this guy envying you instead!

         But I’m not pretending it’s not tough now.  So be strong.  And if there’s a chance of getting him to come through for you, take it.  But if not…  just know, it’s going to be better than okay.

         All my best,

         Shirelle