Monthly Archives: December 2019

0 How to tell someone that your sexual history has changed

David g asks: I met a girl at a camp about 3 years ago.
We started texting and we began to like each other. So we have been like that since then, no relationship, no meeting up, no kissing. It was just a texting thing even though we are not distant from each other. We just get to see each other on Sundays because we attend the same church. During our early days of texting, we shared our secrets. And at that time I was a virgin so I told her so and she liked me because of that. So somewhere this year, she had to be in school for her final exams. I entered college in September last year. So while she was in school, there was no communication between us. There were just a few times she called me and we spoke for a few minutes. So while I was in school and she was also in school, a lot of things happened because we weren’t really communicating with each other and a lot of girls kept coming my way while she was away even though I still had feelings for her. I broke my virginity and had sex a number of times. As of now she has completed school and we’re the same way we used to be before. But I’m really scared I might lose her if I tell her all what I did while she was in school. She would be very disappointed in me but I love her very much. What would you suggest I do?

Hi David g –

I guess you have three choices – you could break up with her, you could stay with her and not tell the truth, or you could stay with her and tell her the truth.  Let’s look at those.

First, breaking up.  It sure sounds like you’re attached to her, even though you two have had such a distant relationship, especially in this last year when you were in school.  So while you could break up with her, it sounds like you don’t want to.

Second, keeping the truth from her.  I have a big problem with this one, because it seems to me that, like when I steal a piece of pizza off of the table when no one’s looking, the truth always gets discovered (especially if I burp).  This girl loved two things about you when you met – that you were open, sharing secrets, and that you were a virgin (I’m assuming she was too).  You even go to the same church.  This relationship is based in a sense of shared values and morality.  So while I’m sure you’re right, that she wouldn’t like hearing that you’re no longer a virgin, I imagine she’d be much more upset to find out you were lying to her.  Also, it’s hard to think that she didn’t imagine this might have happened while you were away and not communicating.  So I’m really thinking that trying to keep the truth from her is just going to make things awful – if you succeed, you’ll always worry about it, and if you don’t, you’ll pay the same cost as if you told her.

And third, telling her.  As you say, she won’t like it.  But your doing this will show the same values she loved in you – your morality and honesty.  And she has to acknowledge that she was distant from you.  It’s not like you two were in constant contact or engaged to be married. 

In fact, this relationship you’ve had with no physical contact?  I’m thinking it’s time for that to end!  We dogs don’t really understand love without kisses and pats and hugs.  I think what you’ve done shows nobility, but it’s time to move on.  And the fact that you’ve done these things away from her might be what it takes to get her to move to, at the very least, some friendly embracing.

So I’m on Team TellHer.  If she can’t take it, and rejects you for it, then that tells us something about her – that maybe she isn’t a great bet for a long-term relationship (since eventually something ALWAYS comes along to disappoint everyone in any sort of couple).  But if she can, if she accepts the truth of who you are, and (especially) if she makes some changes, then I think you might find this was a great thing that happened.  Maybe the best.

Hoping this is the case!

Shirelle

1 Wagging Your Tail – the best cheap gift you can give

Picture two different situations.  In the first, you walk into a room where you find a large dog.  You’re both startled, but the pooch stands up, tail wagging, and looks at you with wide eyes and an open mouth, its pink tongue slightly hanging out.  In the second you walk into the same room, and encounter the same dog, but the mutt stays on the ground, staring up at you, unblinking, tail still, mouth closed, eyes unexpressive.  Which situation would you rather be in?  And what would you do differently in one room or the other?

I’m going to guess that you’ll feel a lot more comfortable in the first room.  You might even walk up to the dog, or kneel down and call the pup over to you for a head-pat.  The second dog hasn’t done anything mean or threatening, but you’re just left unsure, and will probably give that pooch a lot of space.  No hugs, no pats, no ear-scratches, no tummy rubs.  And who could blame you?  After all, we have a lot of teeth!

I bring this up because of something I’m noticing about the people around me.  So many are sad, scared, lonely, or frightened in this hectic world, and the one thing that can most easily ease their nervousness comes in too short a supply: Smiles.

Smiles work in the human brain just like those doggy behaviors I described.  Babies learn when their eyes first focus that a smiling face means all sorts of good things – safety, warmth, food, and of course that most important one, diaper changes!  (Sorry, little bit of doggy humor there!  No, that most important thing for a baby, of course, is Love)

As children grow, smiles become, if anything, more important.  Remember going to school and being greeted by a sweet warm smile from your teacher?  And how that felt?  And remember being greeted by another teacher’s scowl, or a blank face looking you over to judge you?  And how that felt?  And if you ever had to go to the hospital, how much safer and more confident you felt if the doctor or nurse gave you a friendly beaming, instead of just sternly focusing on your wound or illness?

And then, yeah, you knew I’d get to this, there’s that point when you start wanting someone, maybe of the opposite sex, to like you.  Or let me rephrase that – when you care more about them liking you than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD!  And a smile from that special person can make your whole day, and not getting it leaves you just crushed.

Now of course there are mean smiles, cruel smiles, hateful smiles.  We’ve all seen them.  A sneer at you when you fail at something.  A grin showing the glee someone feels over feeling better than you.  Or, maybe worst of all, a fake “say cheese” pretending kindness while hiding bad intent.

And because of these, it makes sense to sometimes distrust a smile.  Which is really sad.

Also, there’s the problem that giving smiles signals an openness, an availability.  After all, what if that tail-wagging dog I described didn’t want to be petted?  Its friendly “smile” pulled it into a situation it didn’t want at all, right?  So I’m certainly not saying you should smile all the time, at everyone.

(In fact, this brings up a good point. Some dogs are actually frightened by people giving them big toothy smiles – they look like snarling fangs to them. Just as some people who’ve been attacked by angry dogs are scared when I run up and jump on them. Best to, with new dogs, keep your lips together in your enchanted grin. But with people, you can show all the teeth you like!)

All I want is for you to realize the incredible power you have, right there in the corners of your mouth.  After all, with just the slightest use of those muscles, you can change lives.

Haven’t you had a time when you were really nervous, maybe before giving a report at school or playing a tough game in a sport, and someone’s smile gave you the confidence you needed to give it your best?

Or when you walked into a group of strangers, hoping to feel welcomed, and someone’s snarl or disinterested blank expression left you devastated, and unable to join the conversation?

And haven’t you come to someone at a time you felt full of remorse and guilt, praying they’d accept you.  And when you got their warm smile, your whole world opened up, knowing you had escaped a cold future of disdain?

You know that old song that goes “I see friends shaking hands, saying ‘How do you do,’ They’re really saying ‘I love you’?”  Well I’d argue that a handshake and a casual greeting are fine, but it’s really the smile that accompanies them that says those three beautiful words.  (Funny, since the guy who sang it arguably had the brightest smile in the history of your species!)

Yes, smiling is a way to say to a total stranger, “I don’t know you, but I give you love, to the degree I can.”  Just like a tail-wag and a sniff.

Now these days, where I live, there’s so much tension around.  The weather’s crazy, politics is just upended, and then there’s the issue of the holidays.  Everyone’s in a rush to get to parties, do their shopping, or make a little more money to get through this time.  And while all that should be happy, I just see angry drivers, impatient arguments, and general resentment all over. 

And what can change that?  Well nothing can completely fix it, but I do find that a friendly smile does more than just about anything else. 

Try it.  When walking down that cold rainy sidewalk, smile at the person walking toward you.  When stepping aside to let more people in that crowded elevator, give them all a grin.  And when you’re stuck in a gridlocked intersection, shine your best smile at the other drivers. 

I think you’ll find that, in many cases, they laugh.  Not at you, but with you.  You see, your smile says to them “I know this situation is ridiculous, my friend, so bad it’s funny.”  And that makes them see the humor in it too.

And while you both might be out spending a month’s salary on some special gift for some special someone, it might be that smile, and that laugh, that truly prove to be the best gifts you give all year.  At least the most needed.  At a very reasonable price!

Now again, sure, if you’re in a situation that doesn’t feel completely safe, and you think it might be best if you don’t smile, then that’s fine – there’s no need to.  But I know what I’d hope for then.  While you keep yourself more protected, and keep your face down, someone else there – someone more comfortable than you, more at ease – sees this, and gives you a big grin, telling you you’re safe and even liked.

And that, seeing that, you feel safe enough to give a nice small smile back.  Or, for that matter, a giant grin! 

After all, when we dogs wag our tails at you, we’re hoping for a reaction too.  Maybe even a treat. 

And smiling back is about as welcome as a slice of pizza!

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend starts to doubt their feelings about you

Moonandstars asks:

Hi, I have been in a happy committed relationship with a guy for 5 years. We love each other and we want to spend a life together. At least that’s what I thought. A few days ago he went for this course called Landmark Forums where they basically help you discover your true self and show you the right path in life. Every day he used to call me and tell me the day’s update, and I had started seeing a change in him. He was actually figuring out the true meaning behind every one of his actions- what was genuine and what was just a facade that everyone puts on to look good or feel good about themselves. On the last day however he called to tell me that what he understood was love was actually attachment and that he’s emotionally attached to me and cares about me but he doesn’t love me. He also said that he doesn’t know what love is, nor does he know how to love, and he doesn’t love anyone. But he says that he can feel that I love him. I asked him a few things and he said that he is emotionally attached to me, he cares about me, he is attracted to me and that there’s something between us which had made him be with me for 5 years so there’s still a chance for us. We decided that we will give this another chance and I will try to help him discover what love feels like, and hopefully if it works we will never be apart. So we are giving this another go now. But I’m not sure if this was the right thing to do. I love him so much and in him I’ve found my perfect partner. I don’t want to let go of him. He says no matter what happens that I’m not just his girlfriend but also his best friend, so I’ll never lose him, and he’ll always be there for me. But I’ve loved him for 5 years and we had planned an entire future together. I don’t want him as a friend after I’ve had him as the perfect partner. What do I do? Is it right to give it another chance when we both are willing? How do I make him understand what love is?

Hi Moonandstars –

Oh, you are my sister in this – men can get VERY in their heads.  And then imagine being my species; from our point of view, you humans get SO in your heads compared to us, so what you’ve gone through this week I go through ALL THE TIME!

I know a little bit about Landmark Forum.  My human Handsome only went to one meeting of theirs, and didn’t love it, but did love a class that he took that was based in the teachings of it – all about moving forward in his career.  From what I’ve seen, Forum’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t teach anything I’d disagree with.

HOWEVER…

As I said, you humans are inclined to live in your heads.  And when a human feels insecure about themselves, they’re highly susceptible (no, I don’t know that word, had to look it up!) to being told things about themselves.

Now I’m very impressed with people who seek knowledge, and seek to find out more about the parts of themselves they’re not in touch with.  But when someone else tells them what they’re feeling, the hairs on my back start to go up…  Hey I’m an extremely empathic dog, but I can’t tell anyone else what they’re thinking, so how can some guy in a workshop who barely knows your boyfriend?!

So my instinct is to say… give

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0 Should you stay with your upcoming baby’s father even though he’s acting distant?

Zel-bell asks: I am 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend has taken me for granted since the day I found out. He supports me with buying baby stuff etc., but he chooses his friends and nice times above me. I keep on giving him chances, but he just doesn’t adore me. He keeps making empty promises, so I decided to leave him. Can you help me get over him?

Hi Zel-bell –

I am not a big one for telling people to stay in the wrong relationship, but in your case I’m going to make an exception.  For a couple of reasons.

First, it is very normal for men to pull away a bit during their woman’s pregnancy.  It’s not that they don’t care about the woman, or about the upcoming baby.  It’s that this change is so huge that they need to withdraw a bit.  The fact that this guy is buying things tells me he cares at least about his future son or daughter.  But you’re absolutely correct that he needs to pay more attention to you – and you should tell him so, in no uncertain terms!  You are his future – you will always be the mother of his child!  So if you’re still together, he needs to learn new ways to be with you.  And if he thinks you’re a little boring to hang out with now, just wait till you’re raising an infant!  He’ll need to be there a lot, while you’re exhausted, irritable, and in pain, with a screaming kid!  So in other words, I’m suggesting that he needs to grow up a bit, rather than for you two to split up.

Second, you may be feeling more negative about the situation because you’re in lots of discomfort, you’re not sleeping enough, and your hormones are going wild!  I’m not saying that you’re wrong to be irritated with him, but you might be more irritated now than you otherwise would, which means it might be a bad time to make a huge decision that affects your, and your baby’s, lives forever.

And Third, I want you to be a little selfish.  In a few weeks, you’re going to need ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET!  Do you really want him not around?  Unless you have a tremendously organized setup, early motherhood is about as hard as anything you’ll ever do.  Keep him around, and get him to bring those friends he enjoys so much over too!  One can cook you dinner while another washes sheets and diapers, and another watches the baby while you sleep, and another helps to pay the hospital bill!

So my overall advice, Zel-bell, is that you just stay with him for now.  If, a few months after the baby’s born, you still feel the same way, then sure, you can make the choice to break up.  But right now I don’t see how it would help you at all (I don’t think you’ll be doing any dating in the next couple of months!), and it could really hurt your life.

Instead, I’d say to focus on the baby.  And improve your relationship any way you can, but… that baby!  That’s the most exciting thing in the whole world!  And it’s coming to you VERY VERY SOON!

Congratulations and All The Very Best Luck!

Shirelle

0 Can a relationship work when the couple “pull back” to slow things down?

Anvee asks: My ex and I dated for 2 months. After breaking up for one and a half months, I asked her if she wanted to get back together, and she told me that we needed to work on our friendship first instead of rushing into a relationship like last time, that she felt it was too fast and she became frustrated and scared, and she told me that she wants to graduate first so that she can be free finally as compared to now. Is there a chance of me getting her back by slowing being friends with her, or should I just move on?

Hi Anvee –

Of course I don’t know her, so I can’t say for sure whether she’s being honest with you, or with herself, about her wishes. 

But I can say that what she says is legit.

Lots of couples go too far too fast, either physically or emotionally, and need to pull back.  Sometimes that’s by breaking up, and sometimes by saying “let’s cool our engines.”  So it sounds like she’s at least suggesting the latter.

What could make this really work is if you can use this “friendship” time to get to know her much better.  What does she value, what does she want in her life, what does she like (or not) in you?  And if you can get her to say it, what did she not like in your romantic relationship?

Doing this accomplishes two things.  First, she’ll feel very trusting of you, more than of anyone else she knows, because you have shown such interest in her.  And second, if you two should ever start a romance up again, you’ll know so much more about her, and what she likes and doesn’t, and how to treat her.

Now it’s totally possible that this doesn’t ever go back to romance, either because one of you doesn’t really want it then, or because she never meant what she said.  But even then, you’ll have had a great friendship with someone you think highly of.  And that’s not a bad thing.

So really you’ve got nothing to lose.  And potentially TONS to gain.  So I say yes, go with it. 

(But hope for more!)

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to choose between your family and your boyfriend or girlfriend, when a child is involved.

Hemant@12 asks: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl the last 2 years. My family does not approve of her, and they fixed my marriage to another girl. Then my girlfriend told me she is pregnant. And my family told me to abort the child; then we will accept your relationship (but they do not accept it). We are from different castes. What can I do?

Hi Hemant@12 –

I need to begin my answer to you by saying that, first, I’m a dog and not a human, and so don’t belong to any religion or caste.  And second, that I live in the United States, so I know that I don’t know everything about caste systems.  (Not that the U.S. has achieved as much equality as they like to say, but there isn’t an organized, rule-based system of people’s levels like that here)

Because of these reasons, I hope my answer doesn’t come off as insensitive, but it might.  Simply out of my ignorance.  If so, I apologize in advance.

My friend, your situation is ENORMOUSLY difficult.  There is no easy, right answer to this.  Instead, you are facing many questions.  How do you feel about abortion?  How do you feel about your girlfriend?  How do you feel about your family?  How do you feel about the caste system you live in?  How do you feel about the woman you’ve been engaged to?  How do you believe you’ll feel about that baby if your girlfriend has it?  And (if she even knows), how would your arranged wife feel about the baby?

I can’t tell you what decision to make.  What I can tell you is that what you choose will define you.  In many ways, it will define you for the rest of your life, and beyond. 

There’s a very painful story – it was a popular novel and then a famous film – called Sophie’s Choice.  It told the story of a Polish woman captured by Nazis, who horrifically told her she had to make a choice, that they would either kill her baby or kill her.  In a panic, she chose to let them kill the baby (who would have died without her anyway).  But the story all takes place years later – and is about how the woman’s life was affected by this decision, and pretty much destroyed by it.  The moment she made that choice defined her then forever. 

Your situation isn’t quite as awful as hers – after all, you’re living in a stable society, not under the whims of humanity’s most sadistic cruelty.  But, like her, so much rests on your choice.  You can become a respected member of your society, play by the rules, raise a good family (I’m imagining your parents picked a fine woman for you), and have a great life – knowing that this woman you loved, and possibly your child, are out there, hurt by your decision.

Or you could break away from your family, who raised you and have always been there for you, break the rules of your culture, hurt the woman they picked for you, and live the truth of your love for your girlfriend, and be a husband and father to these two.

Which feels more right to you?  Or is there another alternative (for example, is it possible for your family to let you marry this girl from another caste, even though it breaks some rules?)? 

And if you do find an alternative, that also will define you forever. 

So I’m saying that you might be the rule-follower (who left some very important people behind), or the rule-breaker (who left other people behind), or the rule-changer.  All of them have tough consequences, and all offer some joy and love.

The right choice for you to make, my friend, is the one that feels most in accordance with your beliefs and feelings.  There’s nowhere to hide – your answer will reveal your truth and your nature.

And whatever choice you make, if you can also work to be kind – as kind as possible – to whoever is hurt by your choice… that will also define you, in a very good way.  Even if not everyone sees the good you chose.

I would love for you to stay in touch with me, if you like.  Your situation means a lot to me, and whatever you choose, I’ll support as much as any dog can.

Wishing you, and everyone in your life, the very very best,

Shirelle