Kimwelzzz asks: Currently I’m dating a girl, but we can’t be at peace and nothing is the same because she talks to her three exes, and they told her she took their love for granted and claimed they’ve never loved anyone else like they loved her. Now she feels messed up because she doesn’t know what to do. On the other hand, the same situation happened to me, but with just one ex. And what I did was hurt him and choose her, but now she can’t do the same. Nothing is okay. She’s blaming herself for everything and is going through a lot, so I had to give her space and time but I’m afraid of what she might do when she’s alone. What’s best for her?
Hi Kimwelzzz –
I’m always struck by that idea, that because one person loves another more than they’ve ever loved anyone else, it’s that other person’s obligation to commit to them, and love them back.
I mean, sure, it’s nice to love someone who loves you back, even loves you more than you feel for them (Have you ever heard that old Paul McCartney song about “You gave me the answer to love eternally: I love you and you seem to like me”?!). But the reason to commit to someone is because YOU feel something for THEM, not the other way around.
It sounds to me like your girlfriend is in a very confused place. As you point out, it’s difficult enough when one ex gives you this treatment, but to have three?! Wow!
In fact, I think it’s too much for her to handle well. It’s got to be confusing, even dizzying. But over time, she’ll have to come down to earth and start to ask herself more grounded questions, like “But who do I want to be with?!”
And in a funny way, you’re making the same mistake, when you ask me “What’s best for her?” She can decide that for herself; your job is to figure out what’s best for you while she does!
I think your idea of giving her space is good, but you don’t have to completely disappear from her life. How about giving her space to make a decision, but at the same time being her best friend, staying in touch, even saying you understand why she needs to do what she’s doing but you do miss her (This is a lot better than just saying “I miss you,” which might sound to her like you’re making the same demands on her that the other three are).
In fact, what I’d really love would be for you to make this strategy completely clear to her. Like writing her a note that says “I know you’re going through a really difficult time right now, and that life is enormously confusing. I want you to know that I care about you and will no matter what, and that I’m here for you anytime you need to talk.”
And here’s what’s sneakily clever about that – although it’s a kind and loving thing to say, it’s also the opposite of what those other three are saying. They’re complaining that she didn’t give them enough! By saying this to her, you’re making yourself a far better partner than they’re appearing!
Now she might decide she really wants to go back to one of them, or even to be single for a while. And if she does, you’ll have to decide how best to deal with that (and yes, I care about you and am here for you if that happens!). But I think your chances will be awfully good that she’ll come back to you, happy to rejoin the friend who treats her the way she needs to be treated.
Best of Luck!!
Shirelle