Why I’m unkind to my spouse

barry asks: I have problems with my husband. I have a bad temper and whenever my husband asks me about something, I just answer him quarreling. And I lie to him a lot. What can I do to control this? I do love him a lot.

Hi barry –



I’m glad you say you love your husband.  And clearly he must love you too, if you’re as difficult as you describe!  So you’re starting from a good place!

My immediate sense is that there’s something you’re very uncomfortable about, and it makes you a little defensive.  After all, if you’re feeling fine about yourself, why would you react to him with anger, or often lie?

If I’m right, my easy answer is that you need to work on whatever’s underneath the anger and the lying.  Most likely, your best bet is to meet with a therapist or counselor.  Someone who’s trained in working with stuff like that.  My guess is that once you deal with that issue (or those issues, as the case may be), you’ll find your reactions to your husband get a lot more pleasant and relaxed.  If not, you might need to work on some anger management, but that’s also something that therapist could help you with.

But I really want to emphasize to you, barry, that you’re starting from a good place.  Lots of people only begin to face their anger or lying when they’re breaking up with someone, or even divorced.  You’re doing it much earlier, which can prevent a lot of those painful experiences from ever happening.


Good Luck!


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