How to fix a friendship that ended because one asked the other out

ebrooke asks: I asked a boy who was my best friend out and he said no. Now I’m really embarrassed and I don’t know what to do. I also feel like I’m losing him as a friend, because we haven’t spoken to each other much since I asked him out. That was about 6 weeks ago. I’m really hoping you can help because it hasn’t been working out for me with those other advice websites.

Hi ebrooke –



Of course I don’t know the actual details, but I’m going to make a guess about your situation.  This boy was your best friend.  He probably felt pressured when you asked him out.  He knew that he was facing losing his best friend when you did that.  He also probably thinks he really hurt your feelings by saying no.


And I’m guessing that, because of that, he’s trying to give you space now.  To not hurt you more.


What it sounds like he’s missing is that your feelings are far more hurt by his giving you that space than by the actual rejection!  So (if I’m right), what you need to do is to convince him that it’s okay, that his friendship means a lot more to you than your romantic interest in him does.


The tough part about doing that is… well… if it’s not true.  How do you feel about him now?  Are you still interested in him romantically?  Do you feel rejected, even resentful, about him saying no?


If so, then you need, ebrooke, to make it okay for you two to be friends again.  Maybe you need to go scream into a pillow for an hour.  Maybe you need to go out with some girlfriends and have a big discussion about what dopes boys are.   Maybe you need to go on a date with another boy.


Whatever it is, your first job is that, to make yourself okay.  Then you need to prove to him that that’s true.  Call him up, say you want to get together and chat.  Tell him (don’t wait for him to ask) that all’s cool and you just want to be friends.  Invite him to do something fun you two used to do together (something that’s absolutely unromantic).  The burden (unfair as it is) is on you – you need to prove to him that it’s safe to be around you.


Once you’ve done that, hopefully he’ll come around, and you can be great friends again.


But if not… this could be one of those sad cases where you two just can’t be the friends you were anymore, because you’ve both grown up too much.  Think of it this way – what if, when you two were four years old, your parents put you in a bed together at night?  No one would see anything wrong with that, it’s fine.  But today, that really can’t work in the same way, right?!  Some things just change, for better and for worse.


So I hope you can make all okay between you.  If so, it’s clear your life will be better.  But if not, then I’m sorry, but it just means you need to accept that things have changed.  It doesn’t mean anything’s bad, and it certainly doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask him out.  It just means that time passes.


And great joys await you around the next corner…!







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