Tessa asks: Two of my friends ( a and b ) wanted to do a social studies project with my other friend ( c ). They agreed to flip a coin, because it seemed fair enough, and my friend ( a ) lost. She got very upset and left the chat (we were video chatting), and started messaging me saying she hates her life, cursing about it, and saying she’s happy that she’ll soon be moving away. Now she’s happy again. But my friend ( b) was sorry, because I wanted to do the project with her, so she said we could maybe do it as a triplet ( me b and c). So I told my friend ( c) the next day, and she said we had to tell my friend ( a ) that we were thinking about it, and we had to ask her if it would be okay. I told my other friend about it and she said ok. We were all scared because my friend ( a ) is very sensitive. When we told her she started crying hysterically. We didn’t say it was definite, but she tried to twist our words to make it look that way. Now my friend (c) wants to stay with her, and me and my friend ( b) are feeling left out! My friend (b) is crying, my other friends don’t care, and I’m in the middle. All of the sudden she is happy and our friend again, but she said she wouldn’t talk to us for a week. I don’t know, because she is spoiled, and if she doesn’t get what she wants she gets upset and waits for whoever upset her to forgive her even though she did something. I don’t think she is a good friend – really torturing her own friend and not caring. Should I forgive her or talk to her? I don’t know if it will make it worse.
Hi tessa –
Okay, I just have to say, this is just about the most complicated situation I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve had to read your question over a few times, and even though you tried really hard to make everything clear, I’m still confused at a few points.
But I’m very sure about one thing: Your friends like DRAMA! Lots and lots and lots of Drama!
My goodness, we’re talking about a Social Studies project here, not the senior prom! Sure, everyone wants to feel wanted, but these girls need to develop a sense of perspective.
You are, like me, a good-hearted soul, who wants to please everyone. The problem for us, tessa, is that there are times when we just can’t do that. Have you ever heard an old song that goes “It’s all right now, I learned my lesson well, You can’t please everyone, So ya gotta please yourself”? Well that is exactly the lesson you need to learn now.
If I were in your shoes now (or if I could wear shoes at all!), I would say this to the group of them: “I don’t appreciate being guilt-tripped by any of you. I love you all, but ( a ) and ( b ) are being so self-centered and self-pitying as to be mean, and not allowing the rest of us to do what we need. So right now, the only one of you I want to work with is ( c ). So ( c ), if you’d like to work with me, that’d be great. But if you want to work with one of the others, that’s totally fine, and I’ll find someone else in class to work with. And I really hope that you two, ( a and b ) can watch how mature I am as I do that. And that someday in the future, you can be as cool as that!”
Or maybe I’d just whine out “You’re all driving me NUTS! Please, just go away and leave me alone!!!”
(Yeah, that’s probably what would come out. But I’d want to say that big speech instead!)
Hey, tessa, this will pass. This is a very normal phase for humans to grow through. I’m almost positive both ( a ) and ( b ) will get better. And as long as they do, they’ll be great friends to you in the long run. But if not, if they don’t change at all… I hate to say it, but… you might need to find some other friends. Because while they’re being this way today about a Social Studies project, tomorrow they might be the same about you having a boyfriend when they don’t, or something like that, that means more to you.
So go after what you want, and just pray that they grow up soon!!!