How to deal with mean authority figures

Tech deck12345 asks: I am in a summer camp, and my babysitter is really really mean. What should I do?

Hi Tech deck12345 –

Now I now that lots of people (and dogs) define “really mean” in different ways, but let me start with a simple statement here.  Babysitters, dogsitters, and all other kinds of caregivers have their jobs for one reason. To take care of the littler ones.  It’s great if they can teach them something, or have fun with them, or clean up after them, but that’s all secondary to what matters most – CARE.  And if a babysitter ignores the kids in the house they’re staying in and spends all her time on the phone with her boyfriend (or in person with her boyfriend!), or a dogsitter doesn’t feed the dogs, or kicks them, those people are JERKS!

Okay, got that out of my system.  Good!

Now about your camp:  Tech deck12345, I don’t know what mean things this person is doing to you, but regardless, if they’re an employee of the camp, that means they’re really working for Continue reading

1 The Devils You Know … how to face reunions

The Devils You Know … how to face reunions

When I head out to a dog park, I have a lot of agendas. First, I just want to feel the freedom of running around an open area without a leash. But then I like to seek out the good smells, and see if any people have dropped anything tasty to eat that no dog has snatched up yet (I know, the odds of this happening are virtually impossible, but we pooches are eternal hopers!). And then, my favorite part, I check out the dogs.

Just like you, we pups greet each other by expressing curiosity. You humans might ask, “How are you?” when you meet, while we inquire, “What have you been doing?” And my favorite, “What have you been eating?!” And as you know, we do this by sniffing each other’s butts. Something most of you humans find funny, and kind of ridiculous. But it works!

It’s great to know where someone’s been, what they’ve been up to, how they’ve been feeling, and yes, whether or not they got to snack on any hamburgers. And our noses are our most sensitive sensers, so that’s the best way for us to find out.

And while it’s fun to do this with new acquaintances, “Wow, that Samoyed over there had some curry!” what means the most is when I find a friend, a pup I already knew, and can find out what’s new with them. It just means more to me.

Now is this because that dog I knew is better than another dog? Not necessarily. It is nice that I know I can trust them (or that I can’t! Ever heard that old line about “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t?” It’s kind of good to know which dogs are likely to bite if you get too playful!), and might have a sense of how they like to play. But it’s more than that; I just like finding out about the pooches I know. It’s exciting to me, to learn about what adventures they’ve had, what about them is the same, and what’s changed.

I find that humans are the same way. If you walk into a party, and the room is full of strangers, but you see one friend, you’re almost certain to head straight to the one you know. It’s comfortable, and easier than trying to start a conversation with someone new. But also, you’re likely to have a deeper experience. Think about it, if you meet someone new, you’re going to have pretty shallow chit-chat as you size up what they’re like. Whereas you could walk up to that old friend and instantly start talking about how each of you felt about the news about your mutual acquaintance, or what happened at your school. The exchange isn’t exactly better, but it’s usually more.

What fascinates me about this is that you humans are so often frightened to meet up with your old cronies – especially when it comes to Reunions. Whether it’s of family, or people they went to school with years ago, people seem to worry that they’re going to be judged or disliked. “Oh, I don’t want to go, my mean cousin will be there,” or “I’ve put on twenty pounds and don’t want them to see me like this.” While the funny thing is that, since everyone there feels the same, most likely everyone else is worried about themselves, and no one is judging the person who’s worrying so much.

But it’s actually even more ironic. I see humans meet up with people they knew years ago, when they were growing up, who they were never close to – but they’re THRILLED to see each other. Why? Because they shared experiences. They are so happy to re-join someone who knew the world they knew, who lived in that reality. Who cares that you weren’t super-close? What matters is that both of you were there.

Then this can get kind of funny too, when people who simply couldn’t stand each other meet up at these things. The bully who pulled your underwear up in front of your crush, or the nerd who aced every test and so kept your grades lower than you wanted, or the cheat who dishonestly beat you out for the basketball team. You’d think you’d hate these people for life, but instead, you see them, and your heart just expands! You actually feel love for that person! How in the world can that happen?!

Well, I’d argue, it’s what I was saying about sniffing under tails. That person might have been a weenie when they were younger, and they might still be a weenie (most likely they are!), but you still feel affection for them, because of that background you shared.

So my advice is, when that family reunion invitation shows up, or when the time for that get-together of your classmates rolls around, don’t look for an excuse to skip it. Head on in – even though you’re all loaded up with failures and extra weight and all that. Magic can happen, and often does.

 

Which leads me to an especially crazy thought. As I’ve just described, it’s really exciting to meet up with dogs I know. But I get excited by pooches all the time anyway. When I’m in the back seat of Handsome’s car, and we drive past humans, I might look at them, but it doesn’t affect me much. But when I see a dog, I freak out; my heart rate kicks up, I start barking (usually right in Handsome’s ear – he doesn’t care for that much), and I lose all sense of propriety. Because I see that dog as “one of us.”

And, as I described above, you humans get excited about seeing the people you know, even if you’d thought you wouldn’t. For the same reason.

Now, I want you to try to picture something. What if you tried to have a little bit of what I have when we drive?

Imagine if every person you met, for the rest of your life (or at least for today), you looked at as someone you share something with. Imagine you could have that heart-growth with a stranger, because you both are on that same piece of Earth at that same moment, or because you both were babies once, or because you both are humans who have loved, have cried, have laughed so hard you peed, and have lost someone you’ll never get over.

Now, imagine that there’s something about that person you hate. Maybe you’re on the opposite sides of a bad conflict. Maybe your ancestors and theirs did horrible things to each other – or maybe it was just one of yours doing horrible things to the other’s. Maybe you passionately disagree about what your country’s leaders should be doing. Maybe that other person has said horrible things about your race or your religion or your rights.

And yet… it’s still true. You share much, much more than you differ. And maybe, if you can look at that person with some interest, some excitement, some love about that, it’ll inspire them to see you that way too. Just a little.

And maybe then, the whole world will be just a little bit more like a family, or a party, or a Reunion.

 

Think about that word: Reunion. Becoming one, again. It’s a pretty beautiful concept.

 

Or better yet, maybe if you humans can do this, you’ll become more like a… Dog Park! And believe me, there’s NOWHERE more fun than that! What a future you could have!

Anyway, it’s just an idea.

 

Cheers,

Shirelle

1 How a writer can improve focus

arjai101 asks: I like writing. I write a lot of Fantasy and Sci Fi. People often tell me that I’m pretty good at it as well. They say I have good ideas. So, I decided to put together a compilation of my short stories and try to get them published as a book. I have quite a few written so far, but I still need a few more to write. I have the ideas for the stories and I’ve done the planning, but the problem is that I can’t focus. I’m a thirteen-year-old on summer vacation and I’ve basically turned ADD. It seems that every time I sit down to try and work on the project I just can’t focus and work on it. I also can’t manage my time and force my self to do the writing. When I try to sit down and write and force myself, the writing comes out really crappy. How can I stay focused and get myself to sit down and write again?

Hi arjai101 –

 

 

Oh boy do I relate to this!

 

arjai101, there’s one simple reason you have trouble making yourself disciplined enough to write regularly – it’s HARD!  And it’s hard for everyone.

 

First of all, it’s hard to make yourself focus for long periods of time.  Wait, was that a squirrel I just heard?!

 

Second, it’s hard to make time for yourself to work on something that no one else Continue reading

Should someone try to be funny at school, they way they do at home?

cutepuppy asks: At school I’m shy, but at home I’m not; I’m funny at home. In school I don’t want to be shy, I want to be really funny, but how? And if I act funny, they might not think its funny!

Hi cutepuppy –

 

“Funny” is such a difficult thing to define!  Some people find Shakespeare’s comedies hilarious.  Others find “Austin Powers” movies uproarious.  Some people memorize every word ever spoken on “Seinfeld,” while others find it dull, but laugh till tears roll at “Modern Family.”  Was Jerry Lewis funny?  People can get violent over that one!  What do you think of Roberto Benigni, Jim Carrey, Zach Galifanakis, Melissa McCarthy?  Is a person slipping on a banana peel funny?  What about a man in a dress?  What about a pie fight?

 

There’s no single right answer.  The truth is all of those people and things have been very very funny to a great many people.  Handsome tells me the funniest thing he ever saw was a dog he had before he knew me, holding a very wide bone, trying to run through a thin doggy-door.  Would I have found that funny?  I truly have no idea.  But he still laughs about it, many years later.

 

Now because of this, you’re absolutely correct that there’s no way you could know that the kids at school would find you funny, in the same way your family does at home.  But I’m guessing that the bigger problem is that you don’t feel the Continue reading

1 How to handle a strong desire to kill

Emee asks: I have a problem and I don’t know how to deal with it. This is REALLY personal. I have this inexplicable urge to kill living things. I’ve never killed a human, but I want to. I have had this problem for years. When I was 8 I sliced up my old Barbie Dolls. When I was 10 I would catch large bugs to dissect them. Now I’m 11 and I try to catch squirrels and birds. This is a problem that has become so bad I’ve researched it. I know that I have the potential for a future serial killer. That’s not who I want to be ever. I don’t feel other people’s pain and I hardly feel my own. This will be a problem someday. I need real help. Something not comparing to cats and dogs. If you can help that would be nice.

Hi Emee –

Emee, I know there are lots of websites that give advice, and I’m really glad you picked mine for this.  Because I – and all dogs – are exactly like you!  I get it.  I get your excitement, and I get your fear.  And I truly think I can help.

If you’ve ever watched puppies, you probably have noticed that we spend most of our waking hours playing.  And our playing pretty much means two things – play-fighting and play-killing.  With our friends, we tumble and scrap and bite.  And with toys (whether “official” toys like we are given by humans, or pretty much anything we find, like sticks or shoes) we rip them up, tear them, demolish them.  Just like you with the Barbie dolls.  It’s true that we puppies aren’t as aware of the meaning of these acts as you were (hey – that 8-year-old human brain of yours was probably bigger than all of me was at that stage!), but we were doing the same thing.

Emee, it’s instinctual.  We all have base instincts in us that come from our distant ancestors (for us pups that means wolves!), and a major part of all our development involves instinctively building these skills.  So a six-month-old puppy has already learned to fight and to hunt, as well as to love.  Probably the three most important skills a dog needs to live.  Similarly, while you humans develop more slowly and with far more insight and intelligence, your instincts taught you to be interested in fighting and killing at an early age too.

Now, I am about as sweet and kind a being as has ever existed… if you are a human or a dog, and I believe you’re going to be kind to me.  But I’m a terrific fighter if I’m feeling threatened.  And I am a VERY good hunter, of other kinds of animals.  Emee I have killed squirrels, rats, birds, and more.  None of these animals threatened me (I’ve killed an uncountable number of fleas too, but they definitely deserved it!).  I hunt because every bit of my instinct tells me to do so.  The only reason I wouldn’t hunt a small animal is if Handsome, my human friend, tells me not to.  And he has to really yell sometimes to make sure I hear him!  Those instincts are LOUD!

So why am I saying all this about myself, Emee?  It’s because, if you met me, you wouldn’t be in the least afraid that I’d hunt you or kill you.  Nor does any dog.  I don’t think that way, because dogs and people are what I see as beings I play with, or fight with, or run away from, or cuddle up to.  Not as something I want to kill.

Now if you’d written me and said that you had all these desires to kill small animals, and you were now feeling like killing cats or dogs, and thought that in the future you might want to kill people, and you wondered why anyone had a problem with that… THEN I’d worry!  It would tell me that you were actually something called a Continue reading

Is it a good idea for a teenager to move in with a relative in order to stay in the same school?

irina1997 asks: I’m 17, in high school. My parents want to move away from the city. Partly because they want peace and quiet but also because it’s cheaper there. The house they found is really far away from my school and I would take very long bus rides every day. I have another choice. I could move in with a cousin. She’s about 30 and lives alone in a big apartment, which is very close to my school. I don’t want to move away from the city but I’m kind of sad/scared to live without my parent and with a person I don’t really know. What should I do?

Hi irina1997 –

This is a really tough question.  If you were much younger, I’d say that it’s probably worth more to stay with your parents, as you’ll just get used to your new school and it’ll be fine.  If you were an adult, I’d say you should definitely move out, just for the adventure.  But you’re right on the tightrope between the two.

So I think either one could be fine.  The difference between the two is in the risk you take.  Moving with your parents sets up a risk that you might not like your new school, or make many friends, before you’re done there.  Moving in with your cousin sets up a risk that you might not get along that well with her.

But the difference between these two risks is that one of them offers you a chance to Continue reading

What to do when a friend starts bullying you

fQ7jlvzgzVoc asks: I’m worried about one of my classmates, I’m not gonna say her real name so I’ll just write Amy. Amy and I were really good friends back in primary school. But one way or another, we drifted apart when we entered middle school. I started to hang out with the Artsy types and she hung out with the math whiz team (since she’s really good in math). Of course, we still hung out sometimes but not as much as we use too. So here’s the problem, when we started high school, Amy began to hang out with the bad kids. And I mean ‘bad’ bad. They bully other kids, they always say curse words and they always cut class. I was really worried that they will change sweet, innocent Amy and I was right! Amy started to act like a gangster when summer ended last year. I tried talking to her, but she just swore and told me to leave her alone. Now, I’m a victim of being bullied by her too. Please give me some advice so I can get the kind and gentle old Amy back before it’s too late.

Hi fQ7jlvzgzVoc –

 

Before I start to answer your question, I have one for you – do you know what the name Amy actually means? Funny you picked it – it means Friend!

 

I think you’re living one of the biggest fears any of us ever has, that the person we love and trust most turns against us. This starts when we’re very young, when we do something unwittingly bothersome to an adult we love and trust, who suddenly turns furious on us. “Look Mommy, I drew a picture for you on the living room wall!” “Hi Daddy, isn’t it funny that I pooped in your car?!” Or, on my side, “Hey, I know what you want right now – you want me to wake you up by biting you in the leg as hard as I can!”   And suddenly, the person we’re expecting to be happy with us is suddenly yelling and raging and scaring the daylights out of us.

 

What you’re experiencing is less sudden, but maybe even more painful. This was your great friend, and now she’s acting like an enemy.

 

I really have two thoughts on this. One is that she’s Continue reading

How to deal with a parent who can’t compliment you

lover454 asks: How would you interpret what my mom (age 88) said to me (age 59), given the fact she always has to be snide with me. Keep in mind this is the same mother who twice (a year ago and a few years ago) said to me that I was overdressed for an interview. Today I drove her to do some chores and I said to her “Are you really putting down my clothes” and in a sarcastic way she said, “Yes I am”. Anyway I dropped it, and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do, so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes, and she replied, “I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing, because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset.” So I teased her about that answer At the next chore, after she finished, she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more, “There are some days one looks better than others,” which got me upset and I asked her to clarify, and she said, “The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on.” We said a few other things which made her say, “I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking. She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things. How would you interpret her “look great” remark?

Hi lover454 –

 

 

I’m going to make a guess. Now you can be sure, we dogs don’t make correct guesses often, so I know there’s a good chance I’m wrong, but I’m going to risk it anyway:

 

I’m going to guess that your mother has never been very complimentary toward you. I’m going to guess that when you were young, she criticized how you dressed for school, or how you did on your grades, or how you did in sports – and later, how you looked when you went on a date (and who the person was you were going out with), and who you chose for your friends, and what sort of work you did… I’ll bet she’s always been really tough on you.

 

The reason I’m guessing that is that most people reach a point in life where they don’t care what certain people think. But one thing that will keep that person’s opinion mattering to you (especially if it’s a parent) is if you’re still Continue reading

6 The Best That You Can Do …how to live with your strengths, and weaknesses…

The Best That You Can Do …how to live with your strengths, and weaknesses…

Most of you know I was named after a singing group. There’s a reason for that: you see, my human, Handsome, just loves music. He’s always got a song going through his head, and usually is singing something or has music playing on a machine. I, like all dogs, have fantastic hearing, but, because of him, as well as the bugs and squirrels and skateboards I can hear from far away, I’m usually hearing guitars and trumpets and drums and singing from close by.

Handsome also tends to get on “kicks.” He’ll go through weeks listening only to some new singer, or some old opera, or become completely obsessed with the works of one great musician and not want to listen to anyone else for weeks.

Recently he’s been on a kick about a brilliant songwriter named Burt Bacharach. You might have heard of him – his most popular stuff came out way back in the 1960s and early 70s (there was even a running joke of him appearing in the retro “Austin Powers” movies), but his tunes show up still all the time. They’re not exactly rock and roll, not specifically soul, not quite jazz… you can only categorize them as Bacharach.

What pulled Handsome in to this obsession was the intricacy of Bacharach’s recordings. On the surface, they just sound like great, bright, catchy tunes. But if you listen closely, there is such incredible detail – the instrumentations are amazing, the timing changes lots within a song (something very rare in pop music), and the singing is often of a range very few vocalists can achieve. It’s like if one of the great classical composers started writing for the pop charts.

I used the word “bright” up there. His songs even conjure up colors in people’s minds (not in mine – we pups don’t see colors). A big brash sound with tons of instruments will suddenly go quiet for a soft trombone solo or a few notes on a piano, and you can’t help but see pictures. The great singers he had do his songs (including my namesakes, The Shirelles!) were given the most glorious rhythms, sweeping and witty-sounding melodies, creating a world of sophistication, intelligence, romance, and sexiness – but all in tunes everyone of any age can hear and enjoy.

But then there’s this other, unexpected, thing about those songs. Most of them have words that expose – not bright and sexy feelings – but sadness, loneliness, fear, failure, and especially deep love.   And it’s that mixture, of the brightest of melodies with such poignant lyrics, that make these songs so powerful, and so continually popular.

If you’re intrigued, I’d say to check out the following recordings to start:

  • “Baby, It’s You” by The Shirelles
    • This was an early hit for him, and not as complex as he’d get, but it shows the brightness I talk about. And if you listen really closely to the background, you’ll hear one male voice among the females… That’s Bacharach singing!
  • “Do You Know the Way to San Jose” by Dionne Warwick
    • This defines the brightness I was talking about. Listen to how the beats change, all the cool instrumentation, and how effortlessly this great singer jumps from low to very very high notes, like me when I wake up to see a cat outside the window – but much smoother!
  • “What the World Needs Now is Love” by Jackie DeShannon
    • One of his most famous songs – and a magical example of what I mean by pictures. Just try listening to this beautiful hymn without suddenly seeing that soft trombone when everything stops for it to play those tiny simple notes
  • “Casino Royale” by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
    • The theme song to a very silly movie – not the more recent Daniel Craig one. Here’s Bacharach without words – just an orchestra and a pop/jazz band painting an incredible landscape of sound. Listen to this one loud!

 

So while Handsome has been playing this music all the time, I became fascinated by this mix. You see, these songs are kind of like me. On the outside, I’m the most cheerful, silly, wild dog you’ve ever seen. But on the inside, I’m always thinking about the things you write me questions about – loneliness, fear, worries, etc. Which made me wonder – how did this Bacharach achieve these? What sort of human is he?

So I started to study up about him. He’s a very good-looking man (not as handsome as Handsome, of course, but to my eyes, no one is), and has lived a life of great wealth and popularity, with exciting romances, and even marriages, to beautiful movie stars, and yet – if you watch footage of him – there’s something a bit, well… dorky about him! He’s a little distanced from everyone around him. A little shy. A little obsessive.

And that’s not just in how he looks. People who worked with him talk about how crazy he’d drive them with his perfectionism. Everything had to match exactly the way he’d hear his music in his head, and he wasn’t necessarily nice about telling them so. Most composers write songs to fit particular singers; Bacharach wrote whatever he heard in his head, and then had to go to great lengths to find singers who could possibly sing it (Today, he performs with a group of singers, using two or even three voices to sing as big a range as one of his greatest vocalists could handle). He wrote the score for a hit musical, but was so horrified when he went to a performance and realized he couldn’t control all the musicians all the time that he never did another (though now, fifty years later, he’s saying he’d like to). “Control Freak,” you ask? You bet.

And in his personal life, what did people say about him? That he’s charming, but self-centered, maybe even a little cold. In other words, all that intricacy you hear in his recordings, and all the bright brilliance, is him. But then where did those beautiful words come from?

 

And this is what made me write this article. One simple fact: He never wrote the words to his songs! He only does music. In fact, at one point, when explaining to his ex-wife why he was a caring but distant father, his argument was, “Look, I’m just a piano player!”

He worked with a number of lyricists over the years, but most of his great successes were with a writer named Hal David. David was the complete opposite of Bacharach – a quiet man, devoted to his wife and family, and full of all the tender wisdom those lyrics express. As brilliant a lyricist as Bacharach is a composer, but in a fully different way.

What this means is that these two men knew it. They saw in each other what they each lacked, and valued it. And knew that, mixed together, their strengths could make magic. People often think that the great partnerships are between folks who think alike, but this is the opposite – these guys succeeded because of the incredible electricity that their differences created!

 

So when you go to school, and suffer the pain of doing poorly in one area, while you’re succeeding in another, sure, put some more effort into what you’re weak at. But also, be sure to remember: no one is great at everything. And, throughout your life, if you can devote yourself what you’re best at, while acknowledging what you’re not, and honoring those qualities in others, you’re on the road to a lot of success and happiness.

It’s hard. I know. It drives me nuts that I can’t climb a tree like stupid cats do! And I do try, believe me! But then again, I don’t know any cats who help girls win boyfriends, or help mothers talk with their kids! And maybe, just maybe, each of us in this world is helping co-write some great composition that we don’t even know about.

 

So that’s what I get out of listening to all these songs endlessly over the last couple of months: Respect what you’re great at, find your true voice, and dive into your passions. And yet be honest enough to encourage others in what you just don’t do all that well.

And if you can do that, perhaps you’ll achieve something as great and fascinating and addictive as Bacharach and David’s songs are, and will always be. At the very least you’ll know you’re doing, as another of Bacharach’s lyricists wrote, “The Best That You Can Do.”

And that’s not too bad a way to live.

How to get someone who likes you to say it

Mandhie asks: I have liked my crush for six years now. Though we are in different schools now, we still stay in contact with each other. Here is my problem: First of all, I think my crush likes me too, but I am not so sure. There are certain characteristics he likes in me. When we are together, we both feel shy and don’t look into each other’s faces to talk. Secondly, we both sound so confident on the phone but become shy (as I said earlier) when we see each other. Thirdly, his friend has told me he likes me and our families know each other and keep on saying we will become married in the future. And he smiles when they say that. I have become so close to one of his friends and he teases me with him sooooooo much! Recently, my crush came home for midterms and the way he is acting towards me is different. I feel he is beginning to like me more. We chatted and I told him I was making food, and did he want some? He said it would be his pleasure to taste it because he was so hungry, but it was just for fun. Later, I think he was bored in the house and called me. I was so happy! We didn’t have much to talk about, but we talked for a while. I then called him later because I was bored and we chatted beyond an hour. He sounded so comfortable with me. We played a game in which we asked each other 20 questions we want to know about each other and it was so fun. Shirelle, now I love the way we are becoming closer, how his friends tease us both, how his mum calls me “in-law” (that’s cute), and many more things, but the MAIN problem is: in my OPINION, I think he is into me now, but how come he has not yet told me he likes me? I don’t want to tell him I like him because I read on the Internet that ‘if a girl tells a boy she likes him, the guy immediately stops liking her,’ and I don’t want him to stop liking me. How can I make him tell me he likes me? I have liked him for six years now! And you know the saddest thing on earth is when you like someone and that person has no idea!

Hi Mandhie –

 

Okay, let’s start by making one thing clear. There is NO question this boy likes you. Exactly what he’s thinking, or what he wants… that’s always up to debate. But this guy likes you.

 

And he’s shy about it.

 

So you’re stuck with two possible actions. One, you could just wait around for him to do or say something (which is what that person on the Internet is suggesting), or you could take action.

 

You can probably guess, as someone who gets in lots of trouble for jumping on people and licking them whether they want it or not, I am all for action.

 

But the question is, what action? You could tell him you like him. You could ask him out on a date. You could do like me and just jump on him. And any of those could work, or could put him off.

 

But I think there’s a softer version, that’s pretty guaranteed to work. Do you have Continue reading

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