0 How to get someone who likes you to ask you out

Mandhie asks: Recently, this guy and I had been chatting on whatsapp and he asked me a question that made me feel uncomfortable. We had a conversation one day and I was like “I miss you” playfully, and he replied “lol… really?” which made me feel like I was pushing him to say he misses me too. So I sent a sad emoticon and he asked “r u sad?” I replied… “of course. I am saying I miss you and you asked am I sure?” And then he sent the love emoticon and wrote, “Okay I love you and I miss you too” and our chat continued. Then, recently, I had a message from him, asking me, “What do you feel about the ‘I love you’ I sent?” I replied to him, “You were saying it on friendly terms.” (Shirelle, remember, he is not my boyfriend yet so we are taking our time to get closer. I didn’t want him to feel I took the “I love you” personally, which was the reason I told him it was said on friendly terms.) So now, here is my question… the way we are now, I won’t be surprised if, in the next two years, we go out. We have grown so close, and the teasing from our families and friends has been increasing. If the “I love you” wasn’t just on friendly terms to make me feel happy when I told him I was sad, why is he taking too long to ask me out? Because I really feel this time he likes me. Oh, and his best friend told me, “he likes you more than you like him… trust me.” So you see, please, I really need to know! What is keeping him from asking me out? 🙁

Hi Mandhie –

I’m a little confused here.  On one hand, you’re telling me that, if things keep going the way they are, you and he will be going out in two years.  Then you ask why he’s taking so long to ask you out.  In fact, it’s pretty clear his not asking you out is driving you nuts!

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with a boy who’s not quite as ready as you.  That doesn’t mean he’s not interested; it just means he’s not ready for the risk.

Which brings up the question: What Risks?!  Well, I don’t know the boy at all, but I can imagine a few.  For example:

–       What if you say no?  You’re saying you miss him, but that’s not the same as going out.

–       What if there’s some pressure on him not to date too young?

–       What if he doesn’t have the money to take you out?

–       What if he’s not sure what he’d do with you if you went on a date?  Especially with all the stuff everyone’s saying to you two, he might feel very pressured to do something with you, and report it back to them.

–       And speaking of that pressure, what if all those teasing comments make him feel like he’s being pushed into taking you out?  You two are at the age where it’s very normal to want very badly to define yourself, and not be the way others want you to be (as was normal when you were younger children).  Maybe he wants to make sure that what happens between the two of you is yours alone, and not just fitting in with what others think should be.

Now again, I don’t know the boy.  But you do.

So is there something you could do to Continue reading

0 Is it better to take risks or not?

Wolfy asks: My friend wants to find me a boyfriend. Honestly I didn’t think she could, but she thinks she has found the perfect guy for me. So I made her a deal: if she can get this guy to ask me out, I will go out with him. BIGGEST RISK OF MY LIFE (so far of course). I feel like those 30 long seconds of making the deal totally changed my life. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something bad or something good will happen to you because of something you did or will do? That’s how I feel. I was sitting right next to her when she tried to tell him that “someone” might like him. He now knows is that this person is in our reading class, so all the girls in the class are “suspects.” He also knows her general looks – all hints to me! He will know it is me by the end of next week. There is one choice I am trying to make – should I let it happen or tell him it is me and no matter what say no to going on a date? Fate, life, the future – the three most unknown, bad, fantastic things all at once. Funny uh!

Hi Wolfy –

I absolutely love this! It sounds exciting and risky (in the best sense), and that you’re pushing yourself forward into an area that is far from comfortable for you.

You asked, “Have you ever gotten the feeling that something bad or something good will happen to you because of something you did or will do?” Oh Wolfy, to me that’s called being Alive!

Look at it this way. Handsome is eating a piece of pizza. Now I could just decide I’m not going to get any, and go outside and sniff around to see what’s happened today. Or I could walk up to him and give him the big round eyes and whine and let him know how much I’d like him to share that yummy treat with me. Now if he gets annoyed and says “no,” and tells me to stop begging, I’m going to feel bad – worse than I would by just going outside. But if he says “sure, here,” I’m going to feel loved and cared for… and happy with how good that pizza tastes! So should I take the risk, or just go outside?

Wolfy, my answer is almost always to Continue reading

0 How to deal with being judged

Jewels asks: It must be hard to be a young man these days. There’s so much expected of a man…he’s supposed to be smart, capable, competent, tough, able to fix anything, successful, wealthy. But also sensitive, open, flexible, funny, warm, thoroughly honest, great at romance, overtly complimentary, patient. Perhaps it’s the exposure we have all had to zillions of characters we’ve all seen portrayed on camera, or perhaps it’s our conditioning through our fast food, order-it-up society, but so many a single woman today has the expectation that her man will indeed have all of these qualities, and anything less would be settling. So, my question is, how should a man deal with these expectations?

Hi Jewels –

You are RIGHT! It’s very tough to be a young man right now. But you know who else has a hard run these days? Children are supposed to do so much more homework than their parents did, and stay connected with what’s going on in social media, and get perfect grades in elementary school to get them into the right universities. Teenagers are tested and graded constantly, and looked down on any time they’re ever not good at any particular thing.

And young women today? Oh my floppy-eared head just swims! They’re expected to be perfect ladies, and tough as nails, and have great boundaries, and be open for everything, and submissive and aggressive, and have perfect skin and teeth and abs and hair and overall shape (whatever that is). It’s just impossible for everyone!

You know, the whole thing with expectations has been goofy for centuries, but it used to be us pooches who had all the trouble. “Hmmm… this Dachshund has good legs but its tail isn’t the right length…” “I’m not sure I like the way this Poodle’s ribcage hangs…” It’s been a load of nonsense on us, but it’s even crazier that you humans are now doing it to YOURSELVES!

You see, it’s like another letter I got today, about perfectionism in grades. This mindset just gets in people’s ways! If you use a checklist when you look at a person, you’ll never see their true qualities, and you’ll certainly never be able to truly love them, or be loved by them.

I’m not saying everyone shouldn’t be looking for what really matters to them. Of course they should. If a woman wants a man who can fix anything in the house, there are lots of guys out there for her. But if she also insists he’s a billionaire, the odds get a lot worse (billionaires tend to hire people to do their home repair for them, so they never learn the skills). If she wants a guy who’s super-nice and caring, I think that’s smart. But if she also wants a bad boy who’s dangerous and excitingly cruel, these qualities just don’t match!

In fact, Jewels, your question makes me realize… it’s worse than I was thinking! You see, no one looks at a German Shepherd expecting it to be small enough to sit on their lap all day, or buys a Corgi to pull a sled through tundra. So you people are actually worse to each other than you’ve been to dogs! This is CRAZY!

So here’s my solution. When anyone starts to complain about the qualities you lack, ask yourself two Continue reading

0 D.B. – a miracle story

D.B. – a miracle story

A couple of years ago, Handsome heard that a woman had died. She was the mother of one of his closest childhood friends, a man he hadn’t been in touch with for longer than he could remember. It made him think about all the great times he’d had with that man when they were boys – laughing so hard in school they couldn’t stop, pulling pranks on their brothers, sneaking out at night… and some things that actually didn’t get them in trouble too!

But as happens so often in life, at some point, their paths diverged. When they were teenagers, Handsome got more withdrawn, more focused on doing well in certain areas, while his friend D.B. got more adventurous. Okay, let’s just say it out loud – Handsome was a Nerd, a Dork! And D.B. started hanging out with a cooler crowd. Living a more interesting life.

And then, after they left high school, things changed even more. D.B. got into a number of bad things, and even fell into some criminal activity to support his addictions to them. He went from the very healthy lifestyle of his childhood into one where a number of his friends died, either from overdosing on drugs, or being murdered by others involved in that world.

And then one day, after years of living at what they call “rock bottom,” he found out from a doctor what anyone could have guessed – that he was also going to die, from the damage all these poisons had caused his liver.

And so, D.B. did the hardest thing he’d ever done. He pulled himself together as much as he could, and quit. He quit drinking, quit drugs, quit all of those things. He moved away from his home town, since all the people he knew were still doing those things. He lived in constant pain, and was unable to medicate himself for it at all. And, knowing he didn’t have long to live, he did something amazing – he started taking writing classes at a college. And he wrote and wrote, writing about the people he’d known, the horrible and amazing things he’d seen while in his hellish state. And his biggest hope was to get some of his writings published, so he’d have some legacy, something of his to survive when he died – which could be any day.

When he got Handsome’s letter, he was surprised, and phoned him. His voice was so trashed, Handsome didn’t even recognize it. But it was him. And for the next couple of years, they talked often. They’d talk about what they remembered from their childhoods, and about what either knew about publishing (not much, frankly!). And they talked about the different roads they’d taken to get to the places they were.

And each time the talks ended, they’d say ‘goodbye,’ knowing that that might well be the last goodbye they had.

But then something happened. Something no one could have predicted. Something the doctors absolutely don’t understand at all: D.B. got better. And a week ago, D.B. phoned Handsome, to say that he and a friend of his would be traveling through Handsome’s part of the world early next year, and he’d love to meet up and spend a day together. The doctors had given him a clean bill of health! Now of course, his liver is still very damaged, and he could have a turn for the worse any time. Probably will. But right now, he’s okay. He credits all his health to “Prayer and Karma,” though his much-improved diet must have helped too.

But do you know why he and his friend will be traveling? Not to visit Handsome, or to go sightseeing. They’re traveling because his friend thinks he has a gold mine! They’re going to search for gold!

For years, D.B. lived in a world of hopelessness, of self-destructive emptiness. And his miserable journey of recovery has led him to this place, where he is going to chase a wild, adventurous dream. Will they have any luck? Will he get rich? Will he live long enough to enjoy anything that he gets? Will he be able to repair any of the relationships he damaged in his years of self-centered addiction?

I don’t know. I’m only a dog. But I know what I think of this. I know that for two years, Handsome always looked sad after he spoke with D.B. on the phone, but that this time, he hung up, threw his head back, and laughed.

Most of the time, life goes the way it usually goes. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people find it feels good to refuse their hunger’s request, and fast for weeks; sometimes one day’s worth of oil burns for eight; sometimes an extra-bright star burns and a baby is born to rise from humility to greatness no one could have imagined. Sometimes the power of Unity and Self-Determination and Collective Economics and Collective Responsibility and Purpose and Creativity and Faith can combine to raise the power of an entire people.

Sometimes, yes, there’s a miracle. You just have to see them when they happen. One should be stopping by our home in about a month. And how cool is that!

Happy Eid, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, and, yes, Holiday Season, to all of you. May your faith in the amazing that can happen anytime glow just a little brighter in this majestic new year.

0 How to deal with perfectionism

arjai101 asks: I’m a perfectionist, but only about one thing: my grades. I feel like my grades are all I have and all I’m good at. People don’t know me for being pretty or nice. They know me for picking things up fast and always knowing something about a subject. As a result, I constantly have this pressure of feeling like I have to be perfect. If I get so much as less than 100%, I tear myself to pieces. It’s an awful feeling. At the same time, I like getting perfect scores. I especially like getting them without trying – it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me feel special. I hate getting grades that are just a 96% or a 99%. It really hurts me, like my whole world is falling apart. And when I express this sensation to my parents or my friends, they tell me I’m being selfish and arrogant, and that I’m overreacting. I can’t help that it bothers me so much. I can’t help that I hate my being in those moments. What’s wrong with me? How can I deal with this?

Hi arjai101 –

Perfectionism is a funny thing.  On one hand, of course it feels best to do something perfectly.  If I chase a squirrel, I want to catch it, not ‘come close.’  If Handsome offers me a treat, I want to eat the whole thing, not part of it.

But perfectionism can be a problem too.  We can get so focused on needing a perfect result that we lose the ability to enjoy what we are accomplishing.

Like with your schoolwork – although it often doesn’t look it, the reason to go to school is to learn things.  And if you get a 96% on a test, then it looks like you’ve learned a lot.  (And we all know, it’s possible to get a 100% on a test while you still have a lot to learn!)

So why the perfectionism?

Well, I’d argue two things.  One is great, and the other… not so great.

The great one is that you’re surrounded by people who are satisfied with mediocrity, and you don’t want to be that way.  You are a superb student, and enjoy the game of succeeding at it.  It’s fun to be the best at something, and it’s fun to challenge yourself to be your best, or even better.  That sort of perfectionism is what leads people to be great artists, thinkers, athletes… all that.

The not so great one is just what you said, “I feel like my grades are all I have and all I’m good at.”  Because of this, if you make less than a great grade, you’re seeing yourself as less than a great person!  If others only see you as smart, then they’ll see you as nothing if you don’t get the great grades (or at least that’s the way you’re imagining them).

The problem with this is that.  arjai101, here’s my bad news:  Continue reading

0 What to do with a new stepfamily

prettyndsweet12 asks: My dad is getting married which means I’ll have lots of new family members; a stepmom, two stepbrothers, a stepsister, and a step-niece, which brings up a question: I’ve never had a stepmom or step siblings before; do you have any tips or advice on that? But my number one question is what do I call her???

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

There are no rules about stepfamilies.  It sounds like you have a great attitude about them (curiosity and excitement, rather than dread and plans-to-dislike).  So my main suggestion would be to hold onto that attitude, and give them all a chance.  You’ll like some more than others, and that’s fine.

You might also find that one or more of your new stepsiblings (or your step-niece) has absolutely no interest in becoming friends with you.  For those, just give them time.

I can’t tell you how many friends and girlfriends Handsome has brought into my life, many of whom were bothered by me or just wanted nothing to do with me at first.  But over time, almost all of them have fallen in love with me, just because I’ve stayed good-natured and friendly with them throughout.  And those few others who just could never get to liking me, I’ve just accepted that that’s their problem; they still tolerate me, so Handsome can still be friendly with them.  They’ll just never get to know how fun and wonderful I can be, which is sad for them.

If you have that experience with any of these new family members, then I’d say the same thing – too bad for them.  Suckers!

Now, though, when it comes to your stepmother, that’s a very interesting Continue reading

0 Should a girl do what her boyfriend wants because he treats her well?

Bethan asks: I am 17 years old. My past relationships have not been the best, but my current relationship is different. I met this guy online; when I met him he was different (he had different pictures on his profile, even a different name) but I still gave him a chance. When we started dating, it was great. He would buy me gifts, treat me well, tell me he loved me, etc. Then things changed, and it became different. He still told me he loved me, etc., but he would make me do things that didn’t seem right, and I didn’t want to do them, but I feel guilty as he is lovely. He buys me gifts, etc., but it doesn’t feel right.

Hi Bethan –

Of course, I don’t know the guy you’re talking about. I don’t know anything about him, except what you’ve told me here. And he might be as great, as lovely, as you describe.

But I have a problem with him.

Now it’s totally normal for a person to try to woo another with gifts and favors. There’s nothing wrong with that – hey Handsome used a lot of treats when he was training me!

But the best thing a man can do for a woman is to keep her safe, and keep her feeling safe, all the time. Especially when they’re together. And this guy is doing the opposite.

It’s interesting that the two most popular book series in the last few years have been romances dealing with women falling in love with very dangerous men. You probably know about them – in one case she falls in love with a vampire, and in the other, it’s with a man who likes romance that includes causing each other physical pain. But both these men care a lot about the woman in their story. And both make very sure that she doesn’t do anything (like turn into a vampire or engage in painful romance) unless and until she truly wants to.

Both those guys – the blood-drinker and the spanker – treat their woman with more respect than this guy is treating you.

It’s also very normal for guys to want to do more things than their girlfriends do. What matters is that, the next day, the girlfriend still feels safe, and good about herself, after whatever they’ve done. And you don’t.

You don’t like the things you’ve done, and you don’t feel trust that he won’t push you to do things you don’t like again.

So Bethan, my advice is for you to Continue reading

0 How to stay patient when it’s impossible

Tech deck12345 asks: My toy is coming in the mail soon but I am getting really impatient, and my sister has the same toy and will not let me do anything with them. Help!!!!

Hi Tech deck12345 –

OH do I get this!  We pups have no patience at all!  We can be trained to sit still, but that doesn’t mean our attention isn’t completely on whatever it is we’re impatient about!

WHY can’t Handsome open the door the second I see a dog outside?  WHY can’t someone feed me the second I smell their food?  WHY do I have to stay perfectly still when obviously the person I love is walking away?  And, every day, why can’t Handsome come back home NOW?!

Apparently adult humans learn a lot of patience.  I guess that’s one reason they do so many things so well – from bringing food home to driving cars, to raising kids.  But the reason kids need to be raised is because they’re like us dogs, and want what we want NOW!

Now Tech deck12345, there’s also a big difference between trying to be patient about something we’re just aware of (like that Handsome hasn’t come home yet) and trying when there’s something we want that’s right in front of us.  I knew a dog named Ygor, who, when his humans would come home, would get so excited and impatient that he’d lose control of his Continue reading

0 How to take it when someone calls you ugly

alliekat asks: Everybody tells me that I am very pretty. And I was on Instagram and I posted something and a guy said that I was very ugly. I didn’t know how to handle it. How should I handle it?

Hi alliekat –

Isn’t it just amazing?  If a person is told a thousand times that they’re smart, and one person just once says that they’re dumb, they’ll instantly forget the thousand comments and remember the one.  Similarly, you’ve always been told you’re pretty, but one guy said you’re not, and it’s thrown you all off.  Brains are weird, aren’t they?!

Well, alliekat, I have a couple of reactions to this.  The first is that the guy might have been saying his true feelings, but if so – so what!  My friend Handsome is a great lover of beautiful women, and absolutely adores the loveliness of all sorts of them.  But he has never, for the life of him, understood what people get so excited about with the famous woman Continue reading

0 How to encourage teenage girls to stay abstinent

prettyndsweet12 asks: Recently I had an encounter with a boy over text message saying he wanted to do certain things with me (not “going all the way,” but…). I knew the boy and I liked him, but he wasn’t willing to make me his girlfriend and that was NOT ok with me. I told him no but he threatened to put the text message online so everyone could see it. I have to admit I was scared at first, but then I thought about it, and I was proud for sticking up for myself and respecting my body. The experience taught me that my virginity is like a gift…kind of like a one million dollar necklace. And you wouldn’t just give that gift off to anyone would you? Of course not, you would save it and give it to someone you love and someone who deserves it. That’s why I’m practicing abstinence and I’m committing to no sex until marriage. I feel that if I was able to motivate myself to do that, then I can help motivate other teen girls to do the same. So I was thinking about starting a campaign against underage sex, and teen pregnancy – and also inform them about what to do if they have the same encounter that I had. Do you have any suggestions on where and how I can start my campaign, and any tips?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’ve been with me long enough to know that I am a huge supporter of people, especially girls, owning their own boundaries.  I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, especially in the face of that boy’s nasty, cowardly threat to you.  The important thing to me isn’t as much what you said no to, as the fact that you gave yourself the right to say no to what bothered you, whatever it was.  Congratulations.  I bow my head to you!

When it comes to your question about the campaign, though, I have a few questions.  What the boy wanted from you would have kept you (officially) a virgin, and wouldn’t have caused pregnancy.  So while your story is a good one for teaching girls to take pride in their rights, it’s not exactly about that issue.

Now if this experience has led you to want to campaign for total abstinence from all sexual activity (including feeling around, etc.), that’s another thing.  I’m just a little unclear about what you’re suggesting.

I will say one other thing about it, just based on the experience we’ve had in my country (the United States) over the past few decades.  Because of sexual rules in society getting more and more lax, there have been lots of attempts at Abstinence Education, teaching children and teens that abstinence is the only way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  The bad news is that the Continue reading