Questions and Answers

0 How to deal with an eating disorder

arjai101 asks: I went to a family reunion that was triggering. I finally finally get what people mean by “triggering” in the non-ironic sense of the word. But it wasn’t the family that did it. That was fine. It was the food. I was actually doing pretty fine with everything. But as the reunion wore on, I worried more and more. And then I started eating more, and making myself throw it up. Now, I can’t personally speak for everyone. But, the thing about making yourself throw up is that moment right before you get started and you’re staring down into the toilet is one of the worst parts. No matter how stuffed you feel or how determined you are, you will never want to do it less than in that very moment. When you march off to the bathroom, it seems like the best idea. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s uncomfortable but not that bad. And when you finish, most of the time, you don’t feel all that bad, it varies. Sometimes, you feel shame, sometimes like God, sometimes like I deserve this. Either way, you walk out there head held high, shoulders tilted back, sip your diet coke like nothing ever happened. Just like you taught yourself when you were little, convince people you were untouchable, invincible. Make them love you or make them hate you because they weren’t you. But, I guess I was never really invincible or untouchable from my own doing, which is the ironic thing about it all. Anyhow, this time I was coughing a lot, and I felt every single thing leaving my body in grave detail. Yet, I still just kept jabbing and jabbing down my throat. Cause, I knew I just had to fix it. I just had to fix everything I’d ever done and ever was. The bathroom was empty. But at one point, one of the little cousins roamed in and used the bathroom and God; I felt like such a loser hovered over the toilet clutching my stomach waiting in silence for her to leave. I said to myself, this is the last time. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. And you know what I did, the literal next day? The same exact thing. I can look at a plate and calculate the calories, the grams of protein, the grams of carbs. Tell me your weight, age, height, and activity level. I can probably give you your Basal Metabolic Rate. I can tell you how long it takes for you to deplete glycogen stores. I can tell you what percentage of your calories we’re used up in thermogenesis based on their macronutrient group. I can debate the intuitive eating lifestyle vs. chronic diet culture. Etc etc. etc. I’ve become quite the nutrition and fitness savant. And also, a complete neurotic bore to talk to most of the time. I’m trying to pinpoint why I’ve become so obsessive about it lately. I feel like I’ve really been disappointing everyone in my life on the down low for years. Or that, eventually, I will. Honestly, I don’t know. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I could it make it all stop. This is going to sound cheesy. But sometimes, I wonder if being loved by someone you didn’t lie to in the slightest way about who you are makes it stop, at least for the briefest of moments. But that’s a dangerous and indefinite way of making it stop, waiting for some girl to “save” you. Nope, I’m just going to have to get together and eat like a normal freaking person. I was doing fine before. And now I know, what triggers it. And I, just have to think ahead and prepare. Addendum: It’s about six days later, and I’m doing great. I think. Think, I finally started getting into a pattern that works for me. And I guess, I’m just excited for the future. To leave it all behind, you know. I really am a blast most other times.

Hi arjai101 –

This is one of the most powerful and meaningful letters I’ve ever received.

And I hate it.

I hate it because it horrifies me. I hate it because of what you’ve been doing to yourself. I hate it because of the self-loathing and impossible-perfectionism it shows.

I hate it because I love and care about you so much, and it’s like reading about someone beating you up – except that the beater is you.

So of course, I like the last paragraph though. If it’s still true after a few days, I like it even better. And if it stays true, then we’re great – I got a letter that paints me a picture of a hell I have trouble understanding, and you’re moving on to a free and strong life.

But if it doesn’t stay true? If you fall into the behavior again? I’m going to insist – you absolutely HAVE to

0 Is a relationship always about changing for your partner

Haminah asks: I’m 19. And honestly my relationship has been draining. We’ve only been dating less than a year. But known each over for three. My question is, is a relationship always about changing for your partner? I feel like I am changing myself for someone, and it’s not from a good place personally. I don’t like these changes.

Hi Haminah –

I’m going to give you two answers, which will seem contradictory. And the reason for the contradiction might annoy you, so I’ll apologize in advance!

My first answer is Absolutely. Even just a friendly relationship involves some changes – maybe you learn to hold back a couple of opinions because you know how that friend will react to them. Or in a closer friendship, you might adjust your life to them – for example, my human friend Handsome has a friend he meets for lunch every other Tuesday, just so they are guaranteed to stay in touch.

A romantic relationship really requires it (did you see all those R’s I used? Yeah, we dogs say Rrrrrr a lot!). Maybe someone asks you out and you’d really love that, but you’ve promised to be faithful and not date anyone else. Or maybe you agree to sped a holiday with their family when you’d rather be with yours.

Now none of these involve changing yourself deeply, changing your essence. Over time, however, that always ends up happening. Maybe at first it’ll just be the the way you laugh, or a phrase you catch yourself using that you heard from them. Over time it can become way more – have you ever noticed how couples with young children start talking in baby-talk even at their jobs?! I’ve seen people marry someone of a different religion, completely agreeing that they won’t have to change theirs, but over time it happens anyway. And political or social beliefs are almost guaranteed to shift to match one’s partner over time.

So again, my first answer is Absolutely – changing is always part of relationships; I’d argue it’s part of what defines a relationship. After all, the way I behaved was awfully different before I moved in with a human who had expectations of my behavior!

But here’s the second answer:

0 The End of Democracy? a system on the brink of failure

The End of Democracy? a system on the brink of failure

Of all the concepts humans have created, I think Democracy must be the most human. No other species works this way. Bees are born Workers, Drones, or Queens, and we dogs work out our leadership by fighting, sometimes to the death. You see, all the rest of us species take leadership as something ordained by strength, not by the willingness of the group. And because we all understand that, the group is actually willing to follow that leader!

But you folks have come up with this amazing idea, that if the majority of your group wants something, the rest of the group ought to accept that as the decision. It does wonders for Peace, which is one of my favorite causes. After all, as much as they may dislike each other, we can assume that, next month, Boris Johnson and his supporters won’t be fighting Jeremy Corbin and his to bloody messes in the streets! And Democracy probably does, more often than not, result in the best results for each society that adopts it.

And yet, always, it has proven imperfect. Not because people make the wrong choices, but because they’ve never let it work as it should.

In ancient Greece, where the idea first took a major hold, only adult male citizens were allowed to vote – not women, not kids or teens, not non-citizens, and not slaves (who totaled over half the people there!). Later incarnations, like in France and England, tried to merge Democracy with their Monarchic traditions. And the United States, which likes to brag about how much it spreads Democracy around the world, spent most of its first 200 years not letting women or non-white men vote.

But the past doesn’t really matter in all this. After all, Handsome wouldn’t let me have the house to myself today if I still had the problems I did as a little puppy – pooping and peeing and chewing everything up all over the place. And similarly, just because something was done in a wrong way a couple of centuries ago doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done right today.

But today, Democracy has problems the ancient Greeks, and revolutionary French and Americans, never dreamed of. Today people around the world are told they can vote, but if they actually show up to do so, are threatened or beaten. Polling places are placed near the people governments want to vote, and way too far away from those they don’t. And now we’ve got this crazy cyberattack nonsense, where people from other countries will create social media to get people to vote against their own interests, or even just to add chaos to a country to weaken it. And then, when a government is voted in by those methods, of course they’ll do all they can to keep them from being changed, knowing they might then lose re-election.

So what’s the human race to do? Should Democracy be tossed aside, as something that served people well for a long time but has outlasted its usefulness, like tobacco and the horse-and-carriage? (Or, what I’d like to see, coal mining and terrorism?) Or is there hope for it, a way for it to improve and get a little closer to the ideal it began as?

It’s a tough question. When what was once the world’s greatest empire is on the verge of voting itself into near-irrelevance and poverty, and the dominant nation of the last century is a year away from likely re-electing a criminal gangster the world laughs at, both due largely due to foreign online interference, it’s hard to argue that their systems are better than, say, a stable monarchy. And other countries, like Turkey and The Philippines, are electing leaders that act like dictators or monarchs, grabbing more and more power for themselves, making us onlookers wonder what good Democracy ever offered in the first place.

And the world itself isn’t looking so great right now. I doubt there’s ever been a time before when wildfires were raging in both Australia and California (who have opposite seasons), while Venice is flooding and Dallas is freezing and Paris has been breaking heat records. And all because of something scientists have seen coming for twenty years or more, but voters keep electing charlatans and liars who deny it, and thereby don’t do anything to help stop or slow it. Islands are disappearing, plants are dying off, and animals are going extinct every day. It’s nothing less than nightmarish.

But I’m going to argue for Democracy anyway. Because it offers one benefit all the other methods of governing don’t: the possibility of change.

Oh sure, kingdoms and dictatorships have been overthrown through revolutions, but what other form of government allows the people to peacefully say “Hmm, we’ve made a mistake, so let’s fix it now.” And that doesn’t just mean changing who’s in charge. It can mean changing a law to allow more people to vote, or their votes to count in different ways. It can mean electing people who will fight against phony influence in elections. It can mean voting to find new ways to deal with problems we can’t even conceive of yet.

You see, the powerful will always do what they can to keep their power. This doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes sense. And, at the least, what Democracy does is forces them to give up just enough of that power to enough people, if they want to keep voted in. At least that’s how it’s often worked over time.

For those who want a “strongman” in charge, I can tell you that a dog pack is a pretty rough environment. And for those who want an inherited monarchy, I can tell you worker bees and drones have a great work-ethic but not much imagination, and that if they had nearly as much as dogs or humans, those hives would see upturns all the time.

So while the greatest Democracies in the world go through this really bad period, I – incapable of voting or being voted for anything – recommend you humans double-down on this one-person-one-vote idea. That crazy notion that no one of you deserves more of a say than any other. That eventually the best of you will rise to the top, if no one keeps you from it.

And then do everything you can to make it so.

The rest of us are counting on you.

0 How to start liking life when you feel you have no control over it

ApoorvaO asks: I sometimes hate my life, no matter I restrain myself. I never go anywhere outside, my parents never took me to any holidays till now. I’m already 20, but have never been to any holidays. I don’t have friends either. All I do is study all year and take stress, and stay home all vacation and go back to hostel after vacation. It suffocates me, I have explained my parents that I need a break too. I need a getaway. They never understand, though even if they did, they cannot because of the financial crisis. I feel sad and frustrated. But I’m helpless.

Hi ApoorvaO –

Your life does sound awfully frustrating, and I sure agree it needs to change. But you make an interesting word choice – do you see it? You say you sometimes hate your life, no matter how “I restrain myself.”

You see, my friend, the only thing that’s wrong with your life is that it’s so RESTRAINED! You’re like a dog who lives in a safe home with loving humans, gets food and medicine and all that, but stays in a crate all day. And then thinks you need to restrain yourself further!

Well yeah, I don’t want you to hate your life. But restraint isn’t going to fix it.

What I want you to do is to

0 How to help yourself when you think too much

Mayumii asks: Over these past few weeks, my boyfriend has noticed that I am very sad, I easily get mad, and one time I cried for no simple reason. And I lately, I think too much about many things. I am thinking about my work, may career, my future, myself, and my family. Because of these, my head get hurt. What should I do? I know the answer is simple, but I just want to have someone that’s willing to talk to me, even about simple things.

Hi Mayumii –

If I were to summarize all the thousands of letters I’ve written over the years, to humans all over the world, I would say “You think too much! Pay more attention to your feelings!” And would you believe, you’re the first person ever to write me saying that you think too much! And asking what to do about it!

So the great thing is that you’re 95% there, just by your (and your boyfriend’s) awareness that this is the problem. You’re thinking about all these things, and it’s making your head hurt. But of course, these problems are real – you DO have questions about your career, about your future, about your family, and I’d never tell you to ignore them or pretend they didn’t matter. They do!

But what you need is to

0 How to move on from a relationship that’s gone bad, without becoming hopeless

The Void asks: I am in a relationship with this girl for 8 months, she is the love of my life. But lately it seems that she has lost all attraction towards me, she keeps blaming me for everything I do. All the time she brings back the past mistakes I made and the fights we had. She does not want to meet me nor does she want to talk to me. Last month she got really sick and was hospitalized for that, I took care of her in the hospital for the whole month, not a single person from her family came, her friends did not even contact her. I was doing a job and I took a whole month off, which made my position in the company worse. And now, since she has gotten better, she wants to break up with me. She claims that she lost all trust in me because of something I hid about my academic history. She thinks that I am only using her because I have no one else. She has made this whole relationship a platonic one and now it has come to the point where she is not allowing me to hold her hand. She breaks all contact whenever it is convenient for her. She never expresses that she loves me like she used to. I feel used and mistreated. I want to die, I want to kill myself. Living is becoming more and more painful. I have invested so much time and effort into trying to make this work and got nothing in return. My friends tell me to break all contact with her and move on but honestly I don’t want it to end like this. I have made her my whole life when I am being treated like a slave. If I leave her, then that is the end of it and it will just mean that I got nothing out of this relationship other than pain and suffering. If I don’t leave, then she will continuously make me suffer. And I just don’t know what I will do. I think I will kill myself. But I have posted this because I don’t want to. Help!

Hi The Void –

This is an awful situation, no question about it. You have done all you can to try to win this woman over, while she refuses to allow you in, saying you’ve betrayed her trust with that academic issue. And your being there for her during her illness, as no one else was, hasn’t been enough to change her mind. In fact, it almost sounds as though that made things worse.

So I have one question for you: is there any part of her that’s interested in salvaging your relationship? Is she even saying “If you hadn’t hid that thing, we’d be okay, but since you did, we’re done?” Because if so, then I’d urge you to set up couples therapy for you two. With a therapist who neither of you know (or at least you both know equally), so there’s no sense of a bias, who could work to improve your communication and move things past this.

But again, this is only if she’s at least acknowledging that she wishes things were better between you.

If not, then I’m afraid there is nothing you can do, at least for now. I know it feels awful, but I’d have to side with your friends who say to let the relationship go.

But if you do, I want to alter your thinking drastically. You’re afraid that if you do, the last few years will have meant nothing. That’s just not true: they mean exactly what

1 Some Notes on Treason – what loyalty and betrayal mean

Some Notes on Treason – what loyalty and betrayal mean

A very dark word is being spoken in my country a lot these days: “Treason.” It means a few different things, and none of them is good.

The word has been around since the thirteenth century, referring to betraying a trust. But it goes back to Latin – this is nothing new.

And of course, we’ve all heard stories of betrayal going back as far as stories go – Judas Iscariot, or the men Odysseus had to fight off to get his home and wife back (but note – always note – the one being in that home who was steadfastly loyal to him, and the only one who recognized him after all his time away, was his dog!).

But what we hear about it now mostly regards our nations, our governments. People in our governments doing acts against their own countries, their own people. For whatever reason.

Now look, I have to be honest – As a dog, I would be perfectly happy to see all national boundaries fall. Countries are human creations, and seem to create more trouble than good: wars, prejudices, even travel difficulties. But as long as they do exist, it really is a sign of bad character when someone betrays their own people (unless it’s for a truly-felt cause. I’ll never look down on those Germans who rebelled against the Nazis, for example, or Americans who sneaked slaves away from their persecutors!).

And we’ve been seeing a lot of this lately. Even leaders working against their own countries. I wonder why anyone stands for it.

(We have a situation here in the U.S. right now where our President got caught breaking the law, doing things against our country’s interests, but not only is he not admitting treason – he’s accusing the people investigating him of it!)

And this is my big concern. Not that sometimes people break laws or do bad things. That’s always happened. But I worry when I see people not caring about who their own people are – their family, their nation, even their romantic mates. And don’t even get me STARTED on those who betray or abandon their dogs!!

So what’s different today? Why is this happening now? I wonder if… maybe because you humans have become less attached to each other, due to social media? Hey, even my writings to you folks are non-national in their nature; I don’t care whether you’re in Nigeria or Pakistan – you’re all just wonderful humans to me! But while I believe that’s true, and the way the world should keep moving, that doesn’t mean I believe in betraying your own countrypeople, or your boyfriends or girlfriends either.

So as much as I avoid egotism, I’ve got to put this out here: No Dog Has Ever Committed Treason! We don’t even think that way! If a dog in a pack starts grabbing more power than they should have, the pack deals with it right away. It’s how our leadership changes. It’s not treason, it’s just our way.

Imagine a family dog turning on the family. It just doesn’t happen. Does that mean we’re better than you, or just have less imagination? I’ll leave that question up to you.

But just for now, I’d love for you to take a second to think – who are your ‘packs’ (besides this one I mean!)? Your relatives? Your school? Your city? Your place of worship?

Or how about some that get more morally difficult – would you say those of your religion? Your neighborhood? How about your race?

And just for argument’s sake, think of your current romantic relationship, or one you’d like to be in. What would you consider betrayal from them? Getting involved with someone else, probably. But what about lying to you? Lying about you? Keeping something from you? What about just losing some of their feelings for you for a time?

Where do you draw the line?

I don’t have easy answers for you. But I do know it’s important to know who you value, who you consider “your people.” And what you consider to be Treason.

Because until you know these, you won’t really know who you are.

And it’s only when you know who you are that you can truly act morally.

Or immorally. Whichever you happen to choose.

0 Should you date someone of a different religion, knowing they’ll marry another

heyitgurlbaby asks: I’m from India, and I’m a Hindu. My ex-boyfriend is a Muslim. We dated for a while, but we broke up because we have no future due to social customs in India and religious difference. We love each other but there is no chance of marriage and stuff. So I just wanted to ask should we date again for temporary happiness, for JUST now, and not think about the future?

Hi heyitgurlbaby –

Wow, this is such a difficult situation! Frankly, I’m surprised you two even felt okay dating with your religious difference, but since you did, it makes me wonder how strict the rules are against you staying together. Is it really impossible?

I ask, because my answer completely depends on your answer.

If there’s a chance that you two can bridge the difference between your cultures, and find a way to become a couple (maybe one of you converting to the other’s religion?), and so you actually could marry, then I’d say sure, why not date again – you love each other after all!

But if not, I worry that the “temporary happiness” you describe wouldn’t happen. That you’d just feel pain every time you enjoyed each other’s company. Do you know that great old song that says “A taste of honey is worse than none at all?” I think you’d be getting a full jar of honey every time you met, knowing that soon you’d never get it again, and someone else would!

So my suggestion is to look very closely at your relationship, and what is possible. And make your decision – which will be difficult no matter what – based on that.

And if you decide that you really can’t be together in the long term, then please do me the favor of thanking each other, for having loved each other, and shown each how good a relationship can be. And please please PLEASE, when the voices of bigotry and prejudice tell each of you that the other’s people are all your awful enemies, speak up against them. Who knows how much peace your love might engender!

With all my best wishes,

Shirelle

0 How to stop yourself from seeking attention too much

Jhalli asks: How can I stop myself from seeking the attention of everyone in my college?

Hi Jhalli –

I like attention.

Or let me rephrase that – I LOVE attention!

I like being noticed by dogs, by other animals, and especially by people. I like people to get as excited to see me as I am to see them, I love strangers petting my head, I love anyone saying “What a beautiful dog!” But what I love most of course is when my special friends, or my most special friend Handsome, give me more attention than I can take! Overwhelmed with love, I just get so excited I can’t take it!

But I also have experienced the problem of wanting it too much. Like when Handsome and a friend are having a really intense conversation, and I’m jumping into their laps. Or when he and a girlfriend are cuddling and smooching and all that stuff and I stick a toy in her lap (what’s the problem? Clearly she likes saliva, right?). Or when he’s sleeping and I think a good loud bark is a fine idea! In each of these cases, my cry-out for attention gets the opposite response from what I wanted – everyone’s peeved at me, and sending me away.

So I’m guessing that’s kind of what’s been happening to you at college. So what to do about it?

Well the answer isn’t about them. Everyone else is just themselves, and you can’t change them. And it’s not that you’re necessarily doing it wrong. The issue is, like me in those examples, that you’re too needy for the attention. And that’s because you’re feeling too insecure.

You see, if I am feeling friendly and secure, and I walk up to Handsome while he’s talking with someone, he’ll reach over and give me a pat. And if I lie down next to him while he’s cuddling with someone, one of them will eventually reach over and give me a hug and a kiss, and even throw a toy for me to chase.

So what you need, Jhalli, is to learn to

0 What to do when your fiancée pulls away

Kiran1209 asks: Hi, I met a girl through our parents, and we are engaged to be married. It’s been 6 months since I met her. We live in different cities. As I have experienced, I am always the one to initiate conversation or make a plan to meet up. But for past 1-2 months she has been avoiding to talk to me by giving multiple reasons. So I am not sure whether she is interested in me or not. I also asked her once whether she is interested in me and she said yes but since then she has not shown any sign of interest. What should I do ?

Hi Kiran1209 –

What a headache!

Have you ever heard of a scientist named Ivan Pavlov? He did some famous experiments many years ago, where he trained dogs to expect a treat when they got a particular signal. Then he started giving them the signal without the treat, or even hurting them instead of giving them the treat. Can you guess what happened? A lot of the dogs went completely mad!

Now I’m sure this girl isn’t doing a Pavlovian experiment on you, but that’s kind of the effect you’re getting. Saying she’s interested in you but not showing any interest would drive anyone cuckoo!

So what should you do? Well, changing something would be good. So perhaps you could tell her “I know you’re interested in me, but it seems you don’t have any time for me, so just let me know when you’d like to talk, and I’ll stop bothering you,” and see what happens. Does she get annoyed, “I never said I didn’t have time!”? Does she get even more distant and quiet? Or does she start calling more often?

The only one of those I wouldn’t like would be the ‘more distant’ one. If that’s the case, then it sounds like she’s really not all that interested, and is only being polite. But if she gets angry, or starts calling more often, then it says to me that she has been interested, and still is, but for some other reason started pulling away a bit.

And at that point, you could try to find out what that reason was. Or not. Either one’s fine.

What’ll matter is that you’ll have her back!

And even if the response is the one we don’t want, at least it’ll get you out of Dr. Pavlov’s laboratory, and into a world where you can begin on the ground again!

All my best,

Shirelle

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