Category Archives for "Teens"

D.B. – a miracle story

D.B. – a miracle story

A couple of years ago, Handsome heard that a woman had died. She was the mother of one of his closest childhood friends, a man he hadn’t been in touch with for longer than he could remember. It made him think about all the great times he’d had with that man when they were boys – laughing so hard in school they couldn’t stop, pulling pranks on their brothers, sneaking out at night… and some things that actually didn’t get them in trouble too!

But as happens so often in life, at some point, their paths diverged. When they were teenagers, Handsome got more withdrawn, more focused on doing well in certain areas, while his friend D.B. got more adventurous. Okay, let’s just say it out loud – Handsome was a Nerd, a Dork! And D.B. started hanging out with a cooler crowd. Living a more interesting life.

And then, after they left high school, things changed even more. D.B. got into a number of bad things, and even fell into some criminal activity to support his addictions to them. He went from the very healthy lifestyle of his childhood into one where a number of his friends died, either from overdosing on drugs, or being murdered by others involved in that world.

 

And then one day, after years of living at what they call “rock bottom,” he found out from a doctor what anyone could have guessed – that he was also going to die, from the damage all these poisons had caused his liver.

And so, D.B. did the hardest thing he’d ever done. He pulled himself together as much as he could, and quit. He quit drinking, quit drugs, quit all of those things. He moved away from his home town, since all the people he knew were still doing those things. He lived in constant pain, and was unable to medicate himself for it at all. And, knowing he didn’t have long to live, he did something amazing – he started taking writing classes at a college. And he wrote and wrote, writing about the people he’d known, the horrible and amazing things he’d seen while in his hellish state. And his biggest hope was to get some of his writings published, so he’d have some legacy, something of his to survive when he died – which could be any day.

 

When he got Handsome’s letter, he was surprised, and phoned him. His voice was so trashed, Handsome didn’t even recognize it. But it was him. And for the next couple of years, they talked often. They’d talk about what they remembered from their childhoods, and about what either knew about publishing (not much, frankly!). And they talked about the different roads they’d taken to get to the places they were.

And each time the talks ended, they’d say ‘goodbye,’ knowing that that might well be the last goodbye they had.

 

But then something happened. Something no one could have predicted. Something the doctors absolutely don’t understand at all: D.B. got better. And a week ago, D.B. phoned Handsome, to say that he and a friend of his would be traveling through Handsome’s part of the world early next year, and he’d love to meet up and spend a day together. The doctors had given him a clean bill of health! Now of course, his liver is still very damaged, and he could have a turn for the worse any time. Probably will. But right now, he’s okay. He credits all his health to “Prayer and Karma,” though his much-improved diet must have helped too.

But do you know why he and his friend will be traveling? Not to visit Handsome, or to go sightseeing. They’re traveling because his friend thinks he has a gold mine! They’re going to search for gold!

 

For years, D.B. lived in a world of hopelessness, of self-destructive emptiness. And his miserable journey of recovery has led him to this place, where he is going to chase a wild, adventurous dream. Will they have any luck? Will he get rich? Will he live long enough to enjoy anything that he gets? Will he be able to repair any of the relationships he damaged in his years of self-centered addiction?

 

I don’t know. I’m only a dog. But I know what I think of this. I know that for two years, Handsome always looked sad after he spoke with D.B. on the phone, but that this time, he hung up, threw his head back, and laughed.

 

Most of the time, life goes the way it usually goes. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people find it feels good to refuse their hunger’s request, and fast for weeks; sometimes one day’s worth of oil burns for eight; sometimes an extra-bright star burns and a baby is born to rise from humility to greatness no one could have imagined. Sometimes the power of Unity and Self-Determination and Collective Economics and Collective Responsibility and Purpose and Creativity and Faith can combine to raise the power of an entire people.

Sometimes, yes, there’s a miracle. You just have to see them when they happen. One should be stopping by our home in about a month. And how cool is that!

 

Happy Eid, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, and, yes, Holiday Season, to all of you. May your faith in the amazing that can happen anytime glow just a little brighter in this majestic new year.

 

 

How to deal with perfectionism

arjai101 asks: I’m a perfectionist, but only about one thing: my grades. I feel like my grades are all I have and all I’m good at. People don’t know me for being pretty or nice. They know me for picking things up fast and always knowing something about a subject. As a result, I constantly have this pressure of feeling like I have to be perfect. If I get so much as less than 100%, I tear myself to pieces. It’s an awful feeling. At the same time, I like getting perfect scores. I especially like getting them without trying – it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me feel special. I hate getting grades that are just a 96% or a 99%. It really hurts me, like my whole world is falling apart. And when I express this sensation to my parents or my friends, they tell me I’m being selfish and arrogant, and that I’m overreacting. I can’t help that it bothers me so much. I can’t help that I hate my being in those moments. What’s wrong with me? How can I deal with this?

Hi arjai101 –

Perfectionism is a funny thing.  On one hand, of course it feels best to do something perfectly.  If I chase a squirrel, I want to catch it, not ‘come close.’  If Handsome offers me a treat, I want to eat the whole thing, not part of it.

But perfectionism can be a problem too.  We can get so focused on needing a perfect result that we lose the ability to enjoy what we are accomplishing.

Like with your schoolwork – although it often doesn’t look it, the reason to go to school is to learn things.  And if you get a 96% on a test, then it looks like you’ve learned a lot.  (And we all know, it’s possible to get a 100% on a test while you still have a lot to learn!)

So why the perfectionism?

Well, I’d argue two things.  One is great, and the other… not so great.

The great one is that you’re surrounded by people who are satisfied with mediocrity, and you don’t want to be that way.  You are a superb student, and enjoy the game of succeeding at it.  It’s fun to be the best at something, and it’s fun to challenge yourself to be your best, or even better.  That sort of perfectionism is what leads people to be great artists, thinkers, athletes… all that.

The not so great one is just what you said, “I feel like my grades are all I have and all I’m good at.”  Because of this, if you make less than a great grade, you’re seeing yourself as less than a great person!  If others only see you as smart, then they’ll see you as nothing if you don’t get the great grades (or at least that’s the way you’re imagining them).

The problem with this is that.  arjai101, here’s my bad news:  Continue reading

What to do with a new stepfamily

prettyndsweet12 asks: My dad is getting married which means I’ll have lots of new family members; a stepmom, two stepbrothers, a stepsister, and a step-niece, which brings up a question: I’ve never had a stepmom or step siblings before; do you have any tips or advice on that? But my number one question is what do I call her???

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

 

There are no rules about stepfamilies.  It sounds like you have a great attitude about them (curiosity and excitement, rather than dread and plans-to-dislike).  So my main suggestion would be to hold onto that attitude, and give them all a chance.  You’ll like some more than others, and that’s fine.

 

You might also find that one or more of your new stepsiblings (or your step-niece) has absolutely no interest in becoming friends with you.  For those, just give them time.

 

I can’t tell you how many friends and girlfriends Handsome has brought into my life, many of whom were bothered by me or just wanted nothing to do with me at first.  But over time, almost all of them have fallen in love with me, just because I’ve stayed good-natured and friendly with them throughout.  And those few others who just could never get to liking me, I’ve just accepted that that’s their problem; they still tolerate me, so Handsome can still be friendly with them.  They’ll just never get to know how fun and wonderful I can be, which is sad for them.

 

If you have that experience with any of these new family members, then I’d say the same thing – too bad for them.  Suckers!

 

Now, though, when it comes to your stepmother, that’s a very interesting Continue reading

Should a girl do what her boyfriend wants because he treats her well?

Bethan asks: I am 17 years old. My past relationships have not been the best, but my current relationship is different. I met this guy online; when I met him he was different (he had different pictures on his profile, even a different name) but I still gave him a chance. When we started dating, it was great. He would buy me gifts, treat me well, tell me he loved me, etc. Then things changed, and it became different. He still told me he loved me, etc., but he would make me do things that didn’t seem right, and I didn’t want to do them, but I feel guilty as he is lovely. He buys me gifts, etc., but it doesn’t feel right.

Hi Bethan –

 

Of course, I don’t know the guy you’re talking about. I don’t know anything about him, except what you’ve told me here. And he might be as great, as lovely, as you describe.

 

But I have a problem with him.

 

Now it’s totally normal for a person to try to woo another with gifts and favors. There’s nothing wrong with that – hey Handsome used a lot of treats when he was training me!

 

But the best thing a man can do for a woman is to keep her safe, and keep her feeling safe, all the time. Especially when they’re together. And this guy is doing the opposite.

 

It’s interesting that the two most popular book series in the last few years have been romances dealing with women falling in love with very dangerous men. You probably know about them – in one case she falls in love with a vampire, and in the other, it’s with a man who likes romance that includes causing each other physical pain. But both these men care a lot about the woman in their story. And both make very sure that she doesn’t do anything (like turn into a vampire or engage in painful romance) unless and until she truly wants to.

 

Both those guys – the blood-drinker and the spanker – treat their woman with more respect than this guy is treating you.

 

It’s also very normal for guys to want to do more things than their girlfriends do. What matters is that, the next day, the girlfriend still feels safe, and good about herself, after whatever they’ve done. And you don’t.

 

You don’t like the things you’ve done, and you don’t feel trust that he won’t push you to do things you don’t like again.

 

So Bethan, my advice is for you to Continue reading

How to stay patient when it’s impossible

Tech deck12345 asks: My toy is coming in the mail soon but I am getting really impatient, and my sister has the same toy and will not let me do anything with them. Help!!!!

Hi Tech deck12345 –

 

OH do I get this!  We pups have no patience at all!  We can be trained to sit still, but that doesn’t mean our attention isn’t completely on whatever it is we’re impatient about!

 

WHY can’t Handsome open the door the second I see a dog outside?  WHY can’t someone feed me the second I smell their food?  WHY do I have to stay perfectly still when obviously the person I love is walking away?  And, every day, why can’t Handsome come back home NOW?!

 

Apparently adult humans learn a lot of patience.  I guess that’s one reason they do so many things so well – from bringing food home to driving cars, to raising kids.  But the reason kids need to be raised is because they’re like us dogs, and want what we want NOW!

 

Now Tech deck12345, there’s also a big difference between trying to be patient about something we’re just aware of (like that Handsome hasn’t come home yet) and trying when there’s something we want that’s right in front of us.  I knew a dog named Ygor, who, when his humans would come home, would get so excited and impatient that he’d lose control of his Continue reading

How to take it when someone calls you ugly

alliekat asks: Everybody tells me that I am very pretty. And I was on Instagram and I posted something and a guy said that I was very ugly. I didn’t know how to handle it. How should I handle it?

Hi alliekat –

Isn’t it just amazing?  If a person is told a thousand times that they’re smart, and one person just once says that they’re dumb, they’ll instantly forget the thousand comments and remember the one.  Similarly, you’ve always been told you’re pretty, but one guy said you’re not, and it’s thrown you all off.  Brains are weird, aren’t they?!

Well, alliekat, I have a couple of reactions to this.  The first is that the guy might have been saying his true feelings, but if so – so what!  My friend Handsome is a great lover of beautiful women, and absolutely adores the loveliness of all sorts of them.  But he has never, for the life of him, understood what people get so excited about with the famous woman Continue reading

How to encourage teenage girls to stay abstinent

prettyndsweet12 asks: Recently I had an encounter with a boy over text message saying he wanted to do certain things with me (not “going all the way,” but…). I knew the boy and I liked him, but he wasn’t willing to make me his girlfriend and that was NOT ok with me. I told him no but he threatened to put the text message online so everyone could see it. I have to admit I was scared at first, but then I thought about it, and I was proud for sticking up for myself and respecting my body. The experience taught me that my virginity is like a gift…kind of like a one million dollar necklace. And you wouldn’t just give that gift off to anyone would you? Of course not, you would save it and give it to someone you love and someone who deserves it. That’s why I’m practicing abstinence and I’m committing to no sex until marriage. I feel that if I was able to motivate myself to do that, then I can help motivate other teen girls to do the same. So I was thinking about starting a campaign against underage sex, and teen pregnancy – and also inform them about what to do if they have the same encounter that I had. Do you have any suggestions on where and how I can start my campaign, and any tips?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’ve been with me long enough to know that I am a huge supporter of people, especially girls, owning their own boundaries.  I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, especially in the face of that boy’s nasty, cowardly threat to you.  The important thing to me isn’t as much what you said no to, as the fact that you gave yourself the right to say no to what bothered you, whatever it was.  Congratulations.  I bow my head to you!

When it comes to your question about the campaign, though, I have a few questions.  What the boy wanted from you would have kept you (officially) a virgin, and wouldn’t have caused pregnancy.  So while your story is a good one for teaching girls to take pride in their rights, it’s not exactly about that issue.

Now if this experience has led you to want to campaign for total abstinence from all sexual activity (including feeling around, etc.), that’s another thing.  I’m just a little unclear about what you’re suggesting.

I will say one other thing about it, just based on the experience we’ve had in my country (the United States) over the past few decades.  Because of sexual rules in society getting more and more lax, there have been lots of attempts at Abstinence Education, teaching children and teens that abstinence is the only way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  The bad news is that the Continue reading

How to deal with mean authority figures

Tech deck12345 asks: I am in a summer camp, and my babysitter is really really mean. What should I do?

Hi Tech deck12345 –

Now I now that lots of people (and dogs) define “really mean” in different ways, but let me start with a simple statement here.  Babysitters, dogsitters, and all other kinds of caregivers have their jobs for one reason. To take care of the littler ones.  It’s great if they can teach them something, or have fun with them, or clean up after them, but that’s all secondary to what matters most – CARE.  And if a babysitter ignores the kids in the house they’re staying in and spends all her time on the phone with her boyfriend (or in person with her boyfriend!), or a dogsitter doesn’t feed the dogs, or kicks them, those people are JERKS!

Okay, got that out of my system.  Good!

Now about your camp:  Tech deck12345, I don’t know what mean things this person is doing to you, but regardless, if they’re an employee of the camp, that means they’re really working for Continue reading

1 The Devils You Know … how to face reunions

The Devils You Know … how to face reunions

When I head out to a dog park, I have a lot of agendas. First, I just want to feel the freedom of running around an open area without a leash. But then I like to seek out the good smells, and see if any people have dropped anything tasty to eat that no dog has snatched up yet (I know, the odds of this happening are virtually impossible, but we pooches are eternal hopers!). And then, my favorite part, I check out the dogs.

Just like you, we pups greet each other by expressing curiosity. You humans might ask, “How are you?” when you meet, while we inquire, “What have you been doing?” And my favorite, “What have you been eating?!” And as you know, we do this by sniffing each other’s butts. Something most of you humans find funny, and kind of ridiculous. But it works!

It’s great to know where someone’s been, what they’ve been up to, how they’ve been feeling, and yes, whether or not they got to snack on any hamburgers. And our noses are our most sensitive sensers, so that’s the best way for us to find out.

And while it’s fun to do this with new acquaintances, “Wow, that Samoyed over there had some curry!” what means the most is when I find a friend, a pup I already knew, and can find out what’s new with them. It just means more to me.

Now is this because that dog I knew is better than another dog? Not necessarily. It is nice that I know I can trust them (or that I can’t! Ever heard that old line about “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t?” It’s kind of good to know which dogs are likely to bite if you get too playful!), and might have a sense of how they like to play. But it’s more than that; I just like finding out about the pooches I know. It’s exciting to me, to learn about what adventures they’ve had, what about them is the same, and what’s changed.

I find that humans are the same way. If you walk into a party, and the room is full of strangers, but you see one friend, you’re almost certain to head straight to the one you know. It’s comfortable, and easier than trying to start a conversation with someone new. But also, you’re likely to have a deeper experience. Think about it, if you meet someone new, you’re going to have pretty shallow chit-chat as you size up what they’re like. Whereas you could walk up to that old friend and instantly start talking about how each of you felt about the news about your mutual acquaintance, or what happened at your school. The exchange isn’t exactly better, but it’s usually more.

What fascinates me about this is that you humans are so often frightened to meet up with your old cronies – especially when it comes to Reunions. Whether it’s of family, or people they went to school with years ago, people seem to worry that they’re going to be judged or disliked. “Oh, I don’t want to go, my mean cousin will be there,” or “I’ve put on twenty pounds and don’t want them to see me like this.” While the funny thing is that, since everyone there feels the same, most likely everyone else is worried about themselves, and no one is judging the person who’s worrying so much.

But it’s actually even more ironic. I see humans meet up with people they knew years ago, when they were growing up, who they were never close to – but they’re THRILLED to see each other. Why? Because they shared experiences. They are so happy to re-join someone who knew the world they knew, who lived in that reality. Who cares that you weren’t super-close? What matters is that both of you were there.

Then this can get kind of funny too, when people who simply couldn’t stand each other meet up at these things. The bully who pulled your underwear up in front of your crush, or the nerd who aced every test and so kept your grades lower than you wanted, or the cheat who dishonestly beat you out for the basketball team. You’d think you’d hate these people for life, but instead, you see them, and your heart just expands! You actually feel love for that person! How in the world can that happen?!

Well, I’d argue, it’s what I was saying about sniffing under tails. That person might have been a weenie when they were younger, and they might still be a weenie (most likely they are!), but you still feel affection for them, because of that background you shared.

So my advice is, when that family reunion invitation shows up, or when the time for that get-together of your classmates rolls around, don’t look for an excuse to skip it. Head on in – even though you’re all loaded up with failures and extra weight and all that. Magic can happen, and often does.

 

Which leads me to an especially crazy thought. As I’ve just described, it’s really exciting to meet up with dogs I know. But I get excited by pooches all the time anyway. When I’m in the back seat of Handsome’s car, and we drive past humans, I might look at them, but it doesn’t affect me much. But when I see a dog, I freak out; my heart rate kicks up, I start barking (usually right in Handsome’s ear – he doesn’t care for that much), and I lose all sense of propriety. Because I see that dog as “one of us.”

And, as I described above, you humans get excited about seeing the people you know, even if you’d thought you wouldn’t. For the same reason.

Now, I want you to try to picture something. What if you tried to have a little bit of what I have when we drive?

Imagine if every person you met, for the rest of your life (or at least for today), you looked at as someone you share something with. Imagine you could have that heart-growth with a stranger, because you both are on that same piece of Earth at that same moment, or because you both were babies once, or because you both are humans who have loved, have cried, have laughed so hard you peed, and have lost someone you’ll never get over.

Now, imagine that there’s something about that person you hate. Maybe you’re on the opposite sides of a bad conflict. Maybe your ancestors and theirs did horrible things to each other – or maybe it was just one of yours doing horrible things to the other’s. Maybe you passionately disagree about what your country’s leaders should be doing. Maybe that other person has said horrible things about your race or your religion or your rights.

And yet… it’s still true. You share much, much more than you differ. And maybe, if you can look at that person with some interest, some excitement, some love about that, it’ll inspire them to see you that way too. Just a little.

And maybe then, the whole world will be just a little bit more like a family, or a party, or a Reunion.

 

Think about that word: Reunion. Becoming one, again. It’s a pretty beautiful concept.

 

Or better yet, maybe if you humans can do this, you’ll become more like a… Dog Park! And believe me, there’s NOWHERE more fun than that! What a future you could have!

Anyway, it’s just an idea.

 

Cheers,

Shirelle

1 How a writer can improve focus

arjai101 asks: I like writing. I write a lot of Fantasy and Sci Fi. People often tell me that I’m pretty good at it as well. They say I have good ideas. So, I decided to put together a compilation of my short stories and try to get them published as a book. I have quite a few written so far, but I still need a few more to write. I have the ideas for the stories and I’ve done the planning, but the problem is that I can’t focus. I’m a thirteen-year-old on summer vacation and I’ve basically turned ADD. It seems that every time I sit down to try and work on the project I just can’t focus and work on it. I also can’t manage my time and force my self to do the writing. When I try to sit down and write and force myself, the writing comes out really crappy. How can I stay focused and get myself to sit down and write again?

Hi arjai101 –

 

 

Oh boy do I relate to this!

 

arjai101, there’s one simple reason you have trouble making yourself disciplined enough to write regularly – it’s HARD!  And it’s hard for everyone.

 

First of all, it’s hard to make yourself focus for long periods of time.  Wait, was that a squirrel I just heard?!

 

Second, it’s hard to make time for yourself to work on something that no one else Continue reading

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