Teens Archives

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend starts to doubt their feelings about you

Moonandstars asks:

Hi, I have been in a happy committed relationship with a guy for 5 years. We love each other and we want to spend a life together. At least that’s what I thought. A few days ago he went for this course called Landmark Forums where they basically help you discover your true self and show you the right path in life. Every day he used to call me and tell me the day’s update, and I had started seeing a change in him. He was actually figuring out the true meaning behind every one of his actions- what was genuine and what was just a facade that everyone puts on to look good or feel good about themselves. On the last day however he called to tell me that what he understood was love was actually attachment and that he’s emotionally attached to me and cares about me but he doesn’t love me. He also said that he doesn’t know what love is, nor does he know how to love, and he doesn’t love anyone. But he says that he can feel that I love him. I asked him a few things and he said that he is emotionally attached to me, he cares about me, he is attracted to me and that there’s something between us which had made him be with me for 5 years so there’s still a chance for us. We decided that we will give this another chance and I will try to help him discover what love feels like, and hopefully if it works we will never be apart. So we are giving this another go now. But I’m not sure if this was the right thing to do. I love him so much and in him I’ve found my perfect partner. I don’t want to let go of him. He says no matter what happens that I’m not just his girlfriend but also his best friend, so I’ll never lose him, and he’ll always be there for me. But I’ve loved him for 5 years and we had planned an entire future together. I don’t want him as a friend after I’ve had him as the perfect partner. What do I do? Is it right to give it another chance when we both are willing? How do I make him understand what love is?

Hi Moonandstars –

Oh, you are my sister in this – men can get VERY in their heads. And then imagine being my species; from our point of view, you humans get SO in your heads compared to us, so what you’ve gone through this week I go through ALL THE TIME!

I know a little bit about Landmark Forum. My human Handsome only went to one meeting of theirs, and didn’t love it, but did love a class that he took that was based in the teachings of it – all about moving forward in his career. From what I’ve seen, Forum’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t teach anything I’d disagree with.

HOWEVER…

As I said, you humans are inclined to live in your heads. And when a human feels insecure about themselves, they’re highly susceptible (no, I don’t know that word, had to look it up!) to being told things about themselves.

Now I’m very impressed with people who seek knowledge, and seek to find out more about the parts of themselves they’re not in touch with. But when someone else tells them what they’re feeling, the hairs on my back start to go up… Hey I’m an extremely empathic dog, but I can’t tell anyone else what they’re thinking, so how can some guy in a workshop who barely knows your boyfriend?!

So my instinct is to say… give

0 Can a relationship work when the couple “pull back” to slow things down?

Anvee asks: My ex and I dated for 2 months. After breaking up for one and a half months, I asked her if she wanted to get back together, and she told me that we needed to work on our friendship first instead of rushing into a relationship like last time, that she felt it was too fast and she became frustrated and scared, and she told me that she wants to graduate first so that she can be free finally as compared to now. Is there a chance of me getting her back by slowing being friends with her, or should I just move on?

Hi Anvee –

Of course I don’t know her, so I can’t say for sure whether she’s being honest with you, or with herself, about her wishes.

But I can say that what she says is legit.

Lots of couples go too far too fast, either physically or emotionally, and need to pull back. Sometimes that’s by breaking up, and sometimes by saying “let’s cool our engines.” So it sounds like she’s at least suggesting the latter.

What could make this really work is if you can use this “friendship” time to get to know her much better. What does she value, what does she want in her life, what does she like (or not) in you? And if you can get her to say it, what did she not like in your romantic relationship?

Doing this accomplishes two things. First, she’ll feel very trusting of you, more than of anyone else she knows, because you have shown such interest in her. And second, if you two should ever start a romance up again, you’ll know so much more about her, and what she likes and doesn’t, and how to treat her.

Now it’s totally possible that this doesn’t ever go back to romance, either because one of you doesn’t really want it then, or because she never meant what she said. But even then, you’ll have had a great friendship with someone you think highly of. And that’s not a bad thing.

So really you’ve got nothing to lose. And potentially TONS to gain. So I say yes, go with it.

(But hope for more!)

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to choose between your family and your boyfriend or girlfriend, when a child is involved.

Hemant@12 asks: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl the last 2 years. My family does not approve of her, and they fixed my marriage to another girl. Then my girlfriend told me she is pregnant. And my family told me to abort the child; then we will accept your relationship (but they do not accept it). We are from different castes. What can I do?

Hi Hemant@12 –

I need to begin my answer to you by saying that, first, I’m a dog and not a human, and so don’t belong to any religion or caste. And second, that I live in the United States, so I know that I don’t know everything about caste systems. (Not that the U.S. has achieved as much equality as they like to say, but there isn’t an organized, rule-based system of people’s levels like that here)

Because of these reasons, I hope my answer doesn’t come off as insensitive, but it might. Simply out of my ignorance. If so, I apologize in advance.

My friend, your situation is ENORMOUSLY difficult. There is no easy, right answer to this. Instead, you are facing many questions. How do you feel about abortion? How do you feel about your girlfriend? How do you feel about your family? How do you feel about the caste system you live in? How do you feel about the woman you’ve been engaged to? How do you believe you’ll feel about that baby if your girlfriend has it? And (if she even knows), how would your arranged wife feel about the baby?

I can’t tell you what decision to make. What I can tell you is that what you choose will define you. In many ways, it will define you for the rest of your life, and beyond.

There’s a very painful story – it was a popular novel and then a famous film – called Sophie’s Choice. It told the story of a Polish woman captured by Nazis, who horrifically told her she had to make a choice, that they would either kill her baby or kill her. In a panic, she chose to let them kill the baby (who would have died without her anyway). But the story all takes place years later – and is about how the woman’s life was affected by this decision, and pretty much destroyed by it. The moment she made that choice defined her then forever.

Your situation isn’t quite as awful as hers – after all, you’re living in a stable society, not under the whims of humanity’s most sadistic cruelty. But, like her, so much rests on your choice. You can become a respected member of your society, play by the rules, raise a good family (I’m imagining your parents picked a fine woman for you), and have a great life – knowing that this woman you loved, and possibly your child, are out there, hurt by your decision.

Or you could break away from your family, who raised you and have always been there for you, break the rules of your culture, hurt the woman they picked for you, and live the truth of your love for your girlfriend, and be a husband and father to these two.

Which feels more right to you? Or is there another alternative (for example, is it possible for your family to let you marry this girl from another caste, even though it breaks some rules?)?

And if you do find an alternative, that also will define you forever.

So I’m saying that you might be the rule-follower (who left some very important people behind), or the rule-breaker (who left other people behind), or the rule-changer. All of them have tough consequences, and all offer some joy and love.

The right choice for you to make, my friend, is the one that feels most in accordance with your beliefs and feelings. There’s nowhere to hide – your answer will reveal your truth and your nature.

And whatever choice you make, if you can also work to be kind – as kind as possible – to whoever is hurt by your choice… that will also define you, in a very good way. Even if not everyone sees the good you chose.

I would love for you to stay in touch with me, if you like. Your situation means a lot to me, and whatever you choose, I’ll support as much as any dog can.

Wishing you, and everyone in your life, the very very best,

Shirelle

0 Is a relationship always about changing for your partner

Haminah asks: I’m 19. And honestly my relationship has been draining. We’ve only been dating less than a year. But known each over for three. My question is, is a relationship always about changing for your partner? I feel like I am changing myself for someone, and it’s not from a good place personally. I don’t like these changes.

Hi Haminah –

I’m going to give you two answers, which will seem contradictory. And the reason for the contradiction might annoy you, so I’ll apologize in advance!

My first answer is Absolutely. Even just a friendly relationship involves some changes – maybe you learn to hold back a couple of opinions because you know how that friend will react to them. Or in a closer friendship, you might adjust your life to them – for example, my human friend Handsome has a friend he meets for lunch every other Tuesday, just so they are guaranteed to stay in touch.

A romantic relationship really requires it (did you see all those R’s I used? Yeah, we dogs say Rrrrrr a lot!). Maybe someone asks you out and you’d really love that, but you’ve promised to be faithful and not date anyone else. Or maybe you agree to sped a holiday with their family when you’d rather be with yours.

Now none of these involve changing yourself deeply, changing your essence. Over time, however, that always ends up happening. Maybe at first it’ll just be the the way you laugh, or a phrase you catch yourself using that you heard from them. Over time it can become way more – have you ever noticed how couples with young children start talking in baby-talk even at their jobs?! I’ve seen people marry someone of a different religion, completely agreeing that they won’t have to change theirs, but over time it happens anyway. And political or social beliefs are almost guaranteed to shift to match one’s partner over time.

So again, my first answer is Absolutely – changing is always part of relationships; I’d argue it’s part of what defines a relationship. After all, the way I behaved was awfully different before I moved in with a human who had expectations of my behavior!

But here’s the second answer:

0 The End of Democracy? a system on the brink of failure

The End of Democracy? a system on the brink of failure

Of all the concepts humans have created, I think Democracy must be the most human. No other species works this way. Bees are born Workers, Drones, or Queens, and we dogs work out our leadership by fighting, sometimes to the death. You see, all the rest of us species take leadership as something ordained by strength, not by the willingness of the group. And because we all understand that, the group is actually willing to follow that leader!

But you folks have come up with this amazing idea, that if the majority of your group wants something, the rest of the group ought to accept that as the decision. It does wonders for Peace, which is one of my favorite causes. After all, as much as they may dislike each other, we can assume that, next month, Boris Johnson and his supporters won’t be fighting Jeremy Corbin and his to bloody messes in the streets! And Democracy probably does, more often than not, result in the best results for each society that adopts it.

And yet, always, it has proven imperfect. Not because people make the wrong choices, but because they’ve never let it work as it should.

In ancient Greece, where the idea first took a major hold, only adult male citizens were allowed to vote – not women, not kids or teens, not non-citizens, and not slaves (who totaled over half the people there!). Later incarnations, like in France and England, tried to merge Democracy with their Monarchic traditions. And the United States, which likes to brag about how much it spreads Democracy around the world, spent most of its first 200 years not letting women or non-white men vote.

But the past doesn’t really matter in all this. After all, Handsome wouldn’t let me have the house to myself today if I still had the problems I did as a little puppy – pooping and peeing and chewing everything up all over the place. And similarly, just because something was done in a wrong way a couple of centuries ago doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done right today.

But today, Democracy has problems the ancient Greeks, and revolutionary French and Americans, never dreamed of. Today people around the world are told they can vote, but if they actually show up to do so, are threatened or beaten. Polling places are placed near the people governments want to vote, and way too far away from those they don’t. And now we’ve got this crazy cyberattack nonsense, where people from other countries will create social media to get people to vote against their own interests, or even just to add chaos to a country to weaken it. And then, when a government is voted in by those methods, of course they’ll do all they can to keep them from being changed, knowing they might then lose re-election.

So what’s the human race to do? Should Democracy be tossed aside, as something that served people well for a long time but has outlasted its usefulness, like tobacco and the horse-and-carriage? (Or, what I’d like to see, coal mining and terrorism?) Or is there hope for it, a way for it to improve and get a little closer to the ideal it began as?

It’s a tough question. When what was once the world’s greatest empire is on the verge of voting itself into near-irrelevance and poverty, and the dominant nation of the last century is a year away from likely re-electing a criminal gangster the world laughs at, both due largely due to foreign online interference, it’s hard to argue that their systems are better than, say, a stable monarchy. And other countries, like Turkey and The Philippines, are electing leaders that act like dictators or monarchs, grabbing more and more power for themselves, making us onlookers wonder what good Democracy ever offered in the first place.

And the world itself isn’t looking so great right now. I doubt there’s ever been a time before when wildfires were raging in both Australia and California (who have opposite seasons), while Venice is flooding and Dallas is freezing and Paris has been breaking heat records. And all because of something scientists have seen coming for twenty years or more, but voters keep electing charlatans and liars who deny it, and thereby don’t do anything to help stop or slow it. Islands are disappearing, plants are dying off, and animals are going extinct every day. It’s nothing less than nightmarish.

But I’m going to argue for Democracy anyway. Because it offers one benefit all the other methods of governing don’t: the possibility of change.

Oh sure, kingdoms and dictatorships have been overthrown through revolutions, but what other form of government allows the people to peacefully say “Hmm, we’ve made a mistake, so let’s fix it now.” And that doesn’t just mean changing who’s in charge. It can mean changing a law to allow more people to vote, or their votes to count in different ways. It can mean electing people who will fight against phony influence in elections. It can mean voting to find new ways to deal with problems we can’t even conceive of yet.

You see, the powerful will always do what they can to keep their power. This doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes sense. And, at the least, what Democracy does is forces them to give up just enough of that power to enough people, if they want to keep voted in. At least that’s how it’s often worked over time.

For those who want a “strongman” in charge, I can tell you that a dog pack is a pretty rough environment. And for those who want an inherited monarchy, I can tell you worker bees and drones have a great work-ethic but not much imagination, and that if they had nearly as much as dogs or humans, those hives would see upturns all the time.

So while the greatest Democracies in the world go through this really bad period, I – incapable of voting or being voted for anything – recommend you humans double-down on this one-person-one-vote idea. That crazy notion that no one of you deserves more of a say than any other. That eventually the best of you will rise to the top, if no one keeps you from it.

And then do everything you can to make it so.

The rest of us are counting on you.

0 How to help yourself when you think too much

Mayumii asks: Over these past few weeks, my boyfriend has noticed that I am very sad, I easily get mad, and one time I cried for no simple reason. And I lately, I think too much about many things. I am thinking about my work, may career, my future, myself, and my family. Because of these, my head get hurt. What should I do? I know the answer is simple, but I just want to have someone that’s willing to talk to me, even about simple things.

Hi Mayumii –

If I were to summarize all the thousands of letters I’ve written over the years, to humans all over the world, I would say “You think too much! Pay more attention to your feelings!” And would you believe, you’re the first person ever to write me saying that you think too much! And asking what to do about it!

So the great thing is that you’re 95% there, just by your (and your boyfriend’s) awareness that this is the problem. You’re thinking about all these things, and it’s making your head hurt. But of course, these problems are real – you DO have questions about your career, about your future, about your family, and I’d never tell you to ignore them or pretend they didn’t matter. They do!

But what you need is to

0 How to move on from a relationship that’s gone bad, without becoming hopeless

The Void asks: I am in a relationship with this girl for 8 months, she is the love of my life. But lately it seems that she has lost all attraction towards me, she keeps blaming me for everything I do. All the time she brings back the past mistakes I made and the fights we had. She does not want to meet me nor does she want to talk to me. Last month she got really sick and was hospitalized for that, I took care of her in the hospital for the whole month, not a single person from her family came, her friends did not even contact her. I was doing a job and I took a whole month off, which made my position in the company worse. And now, since she has gotten better, she wants to break up with me. She claims that she lost all trust in me because of something I hid about my academic history. She thinks that I am only using her because I have no one else. She has made this whole relationship a platonic one and now it has come to the point where she is not allowing me to hold her hand. She breaks all contact whenever it is convenient for her. She never expresses that she loves me like she used to. I feel used and mistreated. I want to die, I want to kill myself. Living is becoming more and more painful. I have invested so much time and effort into trying to make this work and got nothing in return. My friends tell me to break all contact with her and move on but honestly I don’t want it to end like this. I have made her my whole life when I am being treated like a slave. If I leave her, then that is the end of it and it will just mean that I got nothing out of this relationship other than pain and suffering. If I don’t leave, then she will continuously make me suffer. And I just don’t know what I will do. I think I will kill myself. But I have posted this because I don’t want to. Help!

Hi The Void –

This is an awful situation, no question about it. You have done all you can to try to win this woman over, while she refuses to allow you in, saying you’ve betrayed her trust with that academic issue. And your being there for her during her illness, as no one else was, hasn’t been enough to change her mind. In fact, it almost sounds as though that made things worse.

So I have one question for you: is there any part of her that’s interested in salvaging your relationship? Is she even saying “If you hadn’t hid that thing, we’d be okay, but since you did, we’re done?” Because if so, then I’d urge you to set up couples therapy for you two. With a therapist who neither of you know (or at least you both know equally), so there’s no sense of a bias, who could work to improve your communication and move things past this.

But again, this is only if she’s at least acknowledging that she wishes things were better between you.

If not, then I’m afraid there is nothing you can do, at least for now. I know it feels awful, but I’d have to side with your friends who say to let the relationship go.

But if you do, I want to alter your thinking drastically. You’re afraid that if you do, the last few years will have meant nothing. That’s just not true: they mean exactly what

1 Some Notes on Treason – what loyalty and betrayal mean

Some Notes on Treason – what loyalty and betrayal mean

A very dark word is being spoken in my country a lot these days: “Treason.” It means a few different things, and none of them is good.

The word has been around since the thirteenth century, referring to betraying a trust. But it goes back to Latin – this is nothing new.

And of course, we’ve all heard stories of betrayal going back as far as stories go – Judas Iscariot, or the men Odysseus had to fight off to get his home and wife back (but note – always note – the one being in that home who was steadfastly loyal to him, and the only one who recognized him after all his time away, was his dog!).

But what we hear about it now mostly regards our nations, our governments. People in our governments doing acts against their own countries, their own people. For whatever reason.

Now look, I have to be honest – As a dog, I would be perfectly happy to see all national boundaries fall. Countries are human creations, and seem to create more trouble than good: wars, prejudices, even travel difficulties. But as long as they do exist, it really is a sign of bad character when someone betrays their own people (unless it’s for a truly-felt cause. I’ll never look down on those Germans who rebelled against the Nazis, for example, or Americans who sneaked slaves away from their persecutors!).

And we’ve been seeing a lot of this lately. Even leaders working against their own countries. I wonder why anyone stands for it.

(We have a situation here in the U.S. right now where our President got caught breaking the law, doing things against our country’s interests, but not only is he not admitting treason – he’s accusing the people investigating him of it!)

And this is my big concern. Not that sometimes people break laws or do bad things. That’s always happened. But I worry when I see people not caring about who their own people are – their family, their nation, even their romantic mates. And don’t even get me STARTED on those who betray or abandon their dogs!!

So what’s different today? Why is this happening now? I wonder if… maybe because you humans have become less attached to each other, due to social media? Hey, even my writings to you folks are non-national in their nature; I don’t care whether you’re in Nigeria or Pakistan – you’re all just wonderful humans to me! But while I believe that’s true, and the way the world should keep moving, that doesn’t mean I believe in betraying your own countrypeople, or your boyfriends or girlfriends either.

So as much as I avoid egotism, I’ve got to put this out here: No Dog Has Ever Committed Treason! We don’t even think that way! If a dog in a pack starts grabbing more power than they should have, the pack deals with it right away. It’s how our leadership changes. It’s not treason, it’s just our way.

Imagine a family dog turning on the family. It just doesn’t happen. Does that mean we’re better than you, or just have less imagination? I’ll leave that question up to you.

But just for now, I’d love for you to take a second to think – who are your ‘packs’ (besides this one I mean!)? Your relatives? Your school? Your city? Your place of worship?

Or how about some that get more morally difficult – would you say those of your religion? Your neighborhood? How about your race?

And just for argument’s sake, think of your current romantic relationship, or one you’d like to be in. What would you consider betrayal from them? Getting involved with someone else, probably. But what about lying to you? Lying about you? Keeping something from you? What about just losing some of their feelings for you for a time?

Where do you draw the line?

I don’t have easy answers for you. But I do know it’s important to know who you value, who you consider “your people.” And what you consider to be Treason.

Because until you know these, you won’t really know who you are.

And it’s only when you know who you are that you can truly act morally.

Or immorally. Whichever you happen to choose.

0 Should you date someone of a different religion, knowing they’ll marry another

heyitgurlbaby asks: I’m from India, and I’m a Hindu. My ex-boyfriend is a Muslim. We dated for a while, but we broke up because we have no future due to social customs in India and religious difference. We love each other but there is no chance of marriage and stuff. So I just wanted to ask should we date again for temporary happiness, for JUST now, and not think about the future?

Hi heyitgurlbaby –

Wow, this is such a difficult situation! Frankly, I’m surprised you two even felt okay dating with your religious difference, but since you did, it makes me wonder how strict the rules are against you staying together. Is it really impossible?

I ask, because my answer completely depends on your answer.

If there’s a chance that you two can bridge the difference between your cultures, and find a way to become a couple (maybe one of you converting to the other’s religion?), and so you actually could marry, then I’d say sure, why not date again – you love each other after all!

But if not, I worry that the “temporary happiness” you describe wouldn’t happen. That you’d just feel pain every time you enjoyed each other’s company. Do you know that great old song that says “A taste of honey is worse than none at all?” I think you’d be getting a full jar of honey every time you met, knowing that soon you’d never get it again, and someone else would!

So my suggestion is to look very closely at your relationship, and what is possible. And make your decision – which will be difficult no matter what – based on that.

And if you decide that you really can’t be together in the long term, then please do me the favor of thanking each other, for having loved each other, and shown each how good a relationship can be. And please please PLEASE, when the voices of bigotry and prejudice tell each of you that the other’s people are all your awful enemies, speak up against them. Who knows how much peace your love might engender!

With all my best wishes,

Shirelle

0 How to stop yourself from seeking attention too much

Jhalli asks: How can I stop myself from seeking the attention of everyone in my college?

Hi Jhalli –

I like attention.

Or let me rephrase that – I LOVE attention!

I like being noticed by dogs, by other animals, and especially by people. I like people to get as excited to see me as I am to see them, I love strangers petting my head, I love anyone saying “What a beautiful dog!” But what I love most of course is when my special friends, or my most special friend Handsome, give me more attention than I can take! Overwhelmed with love, I just get so excited I can’t take it!

But I also have experienced the problem of wanting it too much. Like when Handsome and a friend are having a really intense conversation, and I’m jumping into their laps. Or when he and a girlfriend are cuddling and smooching and all that stuff and I stick a toy in her lap (what’s the problem? Clearly she likes saliva, right?). Or when he’s sleeping and I think a good loud bark is a fine idea! In each of these cases, my cry-out for attention gets the opposite response from what I wanted – everyone’s peeved at me, and sending me away.

So I’m guessing that’s kind of what’s been happening to you at college. So what to do about it?

Well the answer isn’t about them. Everyone else is just themselves, and you can’t change them. And it’s not that you’re necessarily doing it wrong. The issue is, like me in those examples, that you’re too needy for the attention. And that’s because you’re feeling too insecure.

You see, if I am feeling friendly and secure, and I walk up to Handsome while he’s talking with someone, he’ll reach over and give me a pat. And if I lie down next to him while he’s cuddling with someone, one of them will eventually reach over and give me a hug and a kiss, and even throw a toy for me to chase.

So what you need, Jhalli, is to learn to

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