Category Archives for "Teens"

0 What to do when you realize you can’t save your parents’ marriage

Wooff asks: So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be moving out next year. I can avoid looking at the problem straight in the face, but the problem will still continue to exist – especially when it’s not my problem to solve.
I started writing to you when it became clear that my parents did not want to be with each other and I didn’t know what to do. Sadly, well I see it to be sad, they are still together and that was back in 2012. Two individuals who lack harmony within themselves and with each other. For a long time, I thought that suicide was the way out of my situation, then I thought it was love from other people, but as I’m growing older I’ve come to understand that the way out is me. Only I can remove myself from this toxic situation. Well, when my parents were considering getting a divorce, my mom didn’t have much support from her family and my older sister. I was the only one then who wanted them to get a divorce or at least that’s what I know. But like I said, they didn’t. My dad is short-tempered, biased, and not easy to talk to. Whereas my mom is immature at times, seeks validation and has a victim mentality. This is not to say that they don’t have good qualities but I’m not writing this letter to let you know that they are good people – which they are, but in different ways. What I’m trying to say is, they are not a good match. Now for the longest time I thought that I could fix this. But coming back to the beginning of this letter, I’ve realized that it’s not my problem to fix. I see the problem, yet I avoid it, but it continues existing. I thought my suicide would finally shake them enough to be mature and make changes (whatever they may be). Morbidly enough, I do get in that mindset sometimes although it’s very rare now, as I do want to live a good fulfilling life. I don’t want my life to be a sad one. Second came love from other people. As time old tales keep telling you, love cannot fix you or your problems. The problem still exists even if someone loves you or if you love someone else. Finally, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s me. It’s me that needs to get myself out of this situation. The thing that stops me the most is my mom. She’s always been trying to ensure I don’t leave her. I think it’s because she doesn’t want to be left alone with my dad, who she shares no connection with and feels like a slave to as he is the breadwinner. Although I do feel guilty about wanting to leave this situation and move away (to another country which I love, not because of wanting distance), I don’t see any other option. By staying back, I end up giving up on my dreams, staying stuck in this continuous time loop, and may resort back to my old ways. I do think the way out is by actually physically leaving. But I don’t want my mom’s heart and soul to break as I do. I’ve come to the understanding that her life and situation is not and was never my responsibility; it was hers. I try to make her understand that she is the only one who can improve her life and situation, but my mom cannot see out of her ways. So, I can’t but help feeling guilty. I know you’ve been able to find a flaw in my way of thinking before, and I want to know what you think it is. Where my thought pattern is wrong and where it is right. If I’m right or where I am wrong.

Hi Wooff!

Oh I see you as so flawless, you would never believe!  

Though I do have a very small disagreement with something you say – or maybe an addition to it.

Marriage is a very funny, very profound, thing.  Couples who seem perfect find they can’t stand living together, and other couples who seem just awful for each other actually depend on each other in many ways.  Someday I recommend you read or see the play (or the movie) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  You can’t imagine a more horrible, destructive couple – yet they’ve stayed together.  

My point is this – to you, divorce might be the best answer for your parents.  But this is their choice.  Either one could leave the other if they chose, and neither has.  For whatever reason, every day, they choose to stay together.

Is that because one of them is weak?  Maybe, but you’re saying both are unhappy.  So maybe it’s because, for all the problems you see, there’s something each of them values and depends on in the other.  

I’m not here to say they’re right or wrong, but it is their choice.

And that mindset of mine is exactly why I don’t just agree with you, I urge you to follow through on your dreams.  Your mother has made her choices in her life; they’re not yours.  You don’t just have the right to move on; you need to.  Whether that’s moving to another country or just to another home, or even staying there but working on your personal growth, you owe this to yourself.  And, ironically, to them.

Haven’t they spent your entire lifetime providing for you, educating you, supporting you?  For all the lousy things you see in their marriage, IT CREATED YOU, and for that alone it is WONDERFUL.  

If you do move away, they might bicker more, or they might start treating each other better because they can’t focus on you.  They might fall in love again, or they might divorce.  I don’t know, and neither do you.

But you have YOUR life to lead, my friend.  Your adventures to take, your loves (right and wrong) to fall into, your mistakes to make.  

Love your parents.  They’re clearly good people and deserve that.  But don’t live for them.  Ironically, living for them would be the one way you could make all their work in raising you meaningless.  Instead, honor them by living a life greater than they can.

(And ironically, that would “kill” your old self much more than a suicide would have, and not destroy their lives as your death most certainly would).

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when one of you wants children and the other doesn’t

Ray asks: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. At the beginning of the relationship, we had discussed that I didn’t want children, and he had said that he too didn’t want any. After all this time he has changed his mind and has decided that he wants children. I have given this a lot of thought and tried to compromise into agreeing to have children too. But I feel suffocated by the idea of it, and the only reason I’d be doing it would be to keep his wishes. He still wants to stay together. And says that down the line we’ll figure it out. I am sure that I will not be changing my mind or feel differently about this. And I cannot expect him to give up such a huge thing. We really love each other, and it would be difficult to breakup. But is breaking up the only solution here?

Hi Ray –

You are asking JUST the right question about this issue.  There are so many concepts that couples fight over that are easily resolvable.  But kids is a gigantic one, and there might not be an answer to it.

The problem is that there isn’t a lot of room for compromise.  I’ve known people who were willing to adopt and raise children, but just not give birth to any.  Okay, that might work.  But when one person strongly wants children and the other strongly doesn’t… I don’t see a way past it.

Here’s the problem – for many humans, children are the meaning of their life.  If one of you really loves cats and the other doesn’t, there are short-term solutions (the cat-lover could volunteer to care for cats at a shelter, for example), but not a real long-term problem (I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed regretting not having raised enough kittens!).

But children are a different matter.  People do become bitter and angry over not having become a parent.  And others do for having to raise kids they didn’t want or plan.

And there’s another part to this.  If you two married, each of you believing you’d be able to bring the other one around to your way of thinking, you’d be setting up with possibility of a really hateful relationship, each resenting the other about this issue forever.  And it sounds to me like both of you are really good people and deserve better than that.

So it does sound to me like you need to have a VERY difficult talk.  And one from a place of blunt honesty and absolute love.  Working to give each the best life possible.

Which may, or may not, include keeping this beautiful relationship going.

Wishing you strength and wisdom,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your family beats you

Pennelope asks:

I belong to a family of 4 – my father, mother, elder brother and me. I study in another city for my college, but due to COVID-19, we were sent back to our homes. I have basically been a lazy girl who wouldn’t help her mom with her chores, due to which she used to be very mean to me. This time I decided it was my mistake and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. Therefore from day 1 onwards I helped her in everything from breakfast to dinner. It was going well, she wasn’t mean to me anymore, and we started getting close. But then, when my brother came to town, my mother started being mean again. She would taunt me, complain to my brother that don’t help her, and she would curse me, saying after my marriage my in-laws would commit suicide. So eventually I started talking back and refuting her. My father, who was there the whole time I was helping her, wouldn’t say a word. Eventually my brother concluded that I have a sore spot for my mom, and therefore I say things unnecessarily about her. When I tried to make him understand, he beat me A LOT, and eventually my father and mother both joined him in beating me. I started living fearfully, ignoring even the brutal-est thing they say to me but I have stopped caring for them. I don’t have any soft spot for them. Being my family, they did something so indecent and uncivilized. I could not have imagined that they would beat me. I know they are my family but it’s like I can never forget what happened and would never be able to forgive them for it.

Oh Pennelope!

I’m so sorry to get this letter.  It breaks my heart.

But the only way for me to respond to it is to split it into two parts.

First, about your mother saying you’re the way you used to be.  That is very normal – in fact I’d say I see it more often than not in families.  Someone was a poor student as a child, and now they’re a doctor, but their family still treats them as the “dumb lazy” one.  Or someone was a great student as a child, and has never done anything with it, just sits around watching TV all day, and their family still considers them the smart, successful one.

It’s annoying to everyone, and at times, as you’ve found, really hurtful.  My best suggestion in those cases is to confront your family members with the truth, “Look, I know I was this way in 1997, but I’ve changed and you’re not seeing it.  I’m successful and you should be feeling proud of me, not putting me down!”

But you are NOT in a normal situation.

Pennelope, I don’t know where you live or what your situation is financially or with extended family or anything, but I am not okay with ANYONE getting beaten by their family.  Even if you “deserved” it, though I’m not sure what that would even be.  Let me be clear on this – Handsome has never beaten me, and I’ve broken every rule he ever made, pooped on the rug, and even snapped at him a couple of times – beating is just simply NEVER okay!

So the questions I have for you are legal:  Does your family have the right under the law there to do such things?  Are you able to move out of that house and go to another relative’s or friend’s place? 

The things you say about whether or not you could ever forgive them – I don’t even care about that now.  That’s a choice to make later in life.  But right now, I JUST WANT YOU SAFE. 

And particularly, I want you safe from your brother.  Parents might feel they have the right to hit their children, and even though you’re older now, as I said above, they still might see you in that same way as before.  But what in the world is your brother doing hitting you?  Would he hit another woman your age?  Does he realize you could tell any woman he’s interested in about his doing this and that they would almost certainly leave him at once – and I’d be cheering them on?!  What kind of man is he, to beat his sister?

So again, my giant question to you – not an answer so much – is Is There A Way For You To Get Out Of There?  Whether through the law, or through someone helpful, or whatever.

Everything else is secondary. 

All my love,

Shirelle

0 Should you let your partner stay in contact with friends who creep you out?

PERFECTION asks:

My girl has this group of friends of hers from college, and I don’t like her guy friends at all, they’re the horny type of dudes. She always reassures me that I shouldn’t be worrying about them, and that much she’s mine after all. I recently found out about their group chat (her and some 2 other girls and those 3 guys). These guys are sending nudes one of them, and I’m not sure how I should respond to this. Should I let her hang out with those friends? 

Hey PERFECTION –

I’m kind of hit in two ways by your question. 

The first is your word “let.”  That worries me a bit.

Now I have a very particular relationship with Handsome.  We don’t say he’s my “master,” but it’s more like a parent-child thing in a lot of ways.  And there are lots of things he doesn’t let me do.  Like run into the street after a cat, or wander the neighborhood alone, or climb onto his white couch.  The first one is for my safety, the second is because I’d get picked up by a dog catcher and put back in the pound (I’d rather get run over, honestly!), and the third is because he’s all fussy and mean and thinks my dirty paws make his clean couch not look as good!

But you are in an adult relationship.  One where the members are more equal. 

Now sure, I hope that at times each of you refuses to let  the other do something.  Say, one of you has a number of alcoholic drinks and then wants to drive – I hope the other takes their keys!  And you certainly each have the right to insist on certain boundaries to the relationship – not letting the other one date or get sexually involved with someone else for example.

But can you choose whether or not to let  her have her friends?  You have the right to ask her not to hang out with them, you even have the right to tell her “It’s them or me!”  But she’d be the one making the choice.  And I think it’s really important to keep that in mind.  She’s clearly a very independent-minded woman, and although she seems to love you a lot, she’s also going to love her freedom in her life – and I’m not sure you want to ask her to choose between the two of you.

BUT…

My other thought is very different.  And this thought is – is she really the sort of woman you want?  You’ve brought up other concerns, and now you know she’s getting naked pictures of her friends?!  Is she sending them photos of herself, or of you, that you don’t know about?! 

I’m not judging.  I’m just wondering if this is a sign that, while she’s fantastic and you two adore each other, maybe you’re not a perfect match.

So, putting these two ideas together, I’m going to go to the place I go so often, and suggest you do what I can’t, and have a big talk.  Explain to her that you love her just as she is, and know you couldn’t change her if you wanted to anyway, but that it bothers you that she has this sort of relationship with this sort of people.  Not that they’re bad either.  But maybe you could ask her if she could ask them, now that she’s in a serious relationship, to not send those kinds of photos to her, that they creep her boyfriend out! 

And here’s the funny thing about that.  If she does that, at first she’ll seem like a prude to them, “Hey whatever happened to the fun person you were!”  But then, you’ll see other friends of hers start to follow suit.  They’re not in college anymore.  They’ve grown a bit.  And they’re going to be in more serious relationships too.  And most likely her girlfriends really don’t feel the need to see their old buddies naked.  And the guys are going to find that their new girlfriends don’t like being treated like college-age “hookups.” 

And she’s not going to lose her friends at all.  Not for this.

So that’s my suggestion.  But whatever you do, when you get to that word “let”… let it go.  Honor her individual spirit, as you’d hope she would honor yours.

(After all, whenever he knows it’s safe, Handsome loves to let me off the leash and yell to me “Run like hell, Puppy!”)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What’s Next? …planning for an uncertain future

Last month I struggled like crazy to find a hundred things I’m grateful for during this insane time, and sent them to you.

But that only goes so far.  And sometimes, things you’re grateful for slip away, like squirrels in a tree while you’re sleeping. 

In just this last month, my sniffing buddy Cloud, my and Handsome’s dear friend Sherry, and countless other friends or family of friends have wandered off to the field over the horizon.  And as our treasures disappear, focusing on just what we’re grateful for doesn’t feel like enough.  What would happen if they all went away?

So I’m writing a sequel to last month’s Pawprint.  This mad, awful, time will end.  I don’t know when, and neither, apparently, does anyone else (Certainly not the idiots who told us it would be gone by April or May.  I mean, I’m a dog, and I have enough brains to have not said something that unscientific!).

But when it does end, the world will be different.  Some things will be like before, some will have become more like now, and some will be able to change in ways they never have, because of all this turbulence.

And I’m making wishes.  For what that world around the corner is like. 

I hope you like them, but what I’d love even more is if you could come up with some of your own and send them to me.  Maybe we can create a whole new list!

Anyway, here goes:

1. Working from Home.  One benefit of this awful lockdown, at least where I live, has been the incredible decrease in traffic.  So many people who were working in offices and shops are now working from home (and so many others aren’t working at all, which is of course horrifying).  Of course, when things open up, this will change: lots of people will go back to their work places, and hopefully millions and millions of unemployed will find work again.  But wouldn’t it be great if a number of the companies, that have insisted their workers stay home during this, now allow them to keep working at a distance?  Parents can be closer to their children, tons of people will have more time since they skip their commutes, and that reduction in traffic could continue – including reducing pollution, crashes, and lots of anger! 
2. Theaters Somehow Return.  I mean movies, I mean plays, I mean concerts, I mean children’s shows, I mean sports events, I mean monster car rallies, I mean ice skating, I mean operas, I mean ballets, I even mean Dog Shows!   Throughout recorded history, humans (sometimes with us pooches) have congregated together to be entertained, taught, amused, moved, excited, frightened, and changed.  And while television and the internet are amazing, there’s nothing like the effect of a group experiencing the same thing at the same time.  The laughter, the gasps, the applause.  I want everyone safe, but can it PLEASE come back?!
3. The End of Factory Farming.  There will always be improvements in efficiency in every business, of course.  But over the past century, too many farms have moved from soulful healthy environments to cruel toxic monstrosities, where animals are so imprisoned and pushed together that their lives are pure misery and new diseases are created and spread.  A while back, Mad Cow Disease got some countries to change their laws, but, if the word is correct, the accidental creation of Coronavirus-19 on such a farm has shown the entire world that things need to change, right now!  How great it would be if an international committee created laws for the entire planet illegalizing these moronic and (yes I’ll use the word) inhuman animal factories. 
4. Greater Understanding Between People.  There are those who’ve tried to say this virus came from one race, or is one country’s fault.  No. However it began, it has spread due to globalization and willful ignorance.  But it’s been awfully interesting how this problem – which has attacked all people all over the world – has coincided with a greater attention to how some people have gotten treated way worse than others, for a very long time.  Could this be one of those great moments when the world awakens to a better understanding of the simple fact that all humans are siblings?  I know things won’t be perfect, but might they get just a bit better?  That would be a beautiful morning.
5. I Want Touch Back!  As a dog, I’m considered pettable by the same people who would pet me before this.  But all the close contact I used to see between people – hugs and kisses of course, but also handshakes and high-fives and friendly punches and even whispering – they’re all gone.  And it’s changed you guys; it’s changed the way you even treat us.  Connnection used to be something people craved and drew to; now it’s feared.  And I hate that.  So yes, I want everyone to stay as safe as they need to.  But once you can, please… MAKE CONTACT AGAIN!
6. Population Control.  A half-century ago, the whole world got frightened about how quickly the human population was growing.  But while it’s only grown more and more quickly, we almost never hear those worries anymore.  We should!  People are wonderful, but just as there shouldn’t be too many dogs in a kennel, it’s unhealthy to have such a growth of humans.  Imagine what it would be like if the growth stopped – if just this number of people remained on the planet.  Suddenly, instead of governments and charities having to help growing numbers of humans, they’d be able to help the current numbers more.  Poverty could be eased, health care could be provided more easily, and all sorts of growing international tensions could get reduced.  Now I hear people argue that the world’s economic systems rely on regular population growth.  But economic systems are created by humans, to help humans.  So couldn’t you guys create a new economic system that doesn’t rely on it?  Couldn’t it be way better than the way things are now?
7. New Manners.  A few years ago, I wrote a Pawprint where I tried to come up with new rules for Politeness.  And I still like all those.  But I’m talking here about actual “Manners,” how you physically act around others.  While we dogs love to get right up in everyone’s faces and butts, this virus will probably result in people giving each other a bit more space, especially total strangers.  And that will be good on a number of counts.  Sure it’ll reduce the spread of other viruses and germs, but also it’ll help vulnerable people feel safer in public, and create less chance of accidents – like doggies getting stepped on!  So I’m all for it.  But please, it doesn’t mean you can’t pet or hug your favorite pooch just as you always have!
8. More and Better Plant-Based Foods.  Let’s get this straight – I’m a dog, and I love hunting and catching other animals.  Always will, nothing I’d change about it.  But I also love when Handsome feeds me some of what he’s eating.  And you know what I’ve found?  If he’s eating one of those really great new pretend-burgers that are all made of plants, I can’t tell the difference between it and real meat.  Now remember what I said before about factory farming?  Imagine if people bought, ate, and invented way more of these “fake animal” foods, and way less from actual animals.  Wouldn’t that be great? Again, I love chasing those squirrels and mice, but it’s no fun for me that some poor bird or beast was cramped in a cage all its life for my dinner.  And everyone knows having fewer farm animals would be better for the world in countless ways.  I’m not pushing that everyone has to become vegans – I’m certainly not one myself – but could we all be healthier and happier with a better diet?  Oh yeah!
9. Keep Reading!  One great thing I’ve seen during this lockdown is people reading way more than before.  Maybe you’re catching up on some classic you’ve never gotten to, or a new book about current events to help your understanding of the world, or maybe you’ve dug up some old bones from the back yard… oops, some old favorites from your childhood that you always wanted to read again.  Whatever it might be, I sure hope this continues when things get better.  Reading exercises parts of the mind that even the most brilliant movies or tv shows never touch.  Sure, have fun rewatching all the episodes of Game of Bones or Dogton Abbey (oops, did I make a typo or two there?  heh heh), but don’t let the love of quietly losing yourself in a great novel or treatise go away.  There’s nothing like it.
10. At Last, Environmental Sanity.  When I was a puppy, Handsome started training me very mildly.  He’d gently push my butt down and say “sit,” and give me a treat for doing it right.  But over time, he started to get tougher; he’d expect me to sit without him pushing me down, and even without a treat.  It was no longer acceptable for me to not know how to respond to that command.  Well that’s where the human race is today, when it comes to the environment.  For nearly a century, the planet has been letting you all know what was necessary – to put less pollution into the air and water, to not spread certain chemicals, and to work your way out of the overuse of potentially harmful substances.  And some humans have heard it, a few have yelled about it, and many have ignored the warnings.   But now there’s no more excuse.  This year of wildfires, hurricanes, floods, melting ice shelves, rising oceans, and pestilence, is like nothing anyone’s ever seen.  Take any culture’s great ancient writings, squeeze every disaster story in them, which covered centuries, into one year, and that’s 2020.  It Is Time To Wake Up.  I bow my floppy-eared head and pray that you all heed the warnings: start preserving nature, move on from fossil fuels, find solutions to waste and pollution, and for the love of all of us, PLEASE stop electing leaders who deny what’s going on.  So many people talk about protecting the planet, but that’s not the point.  The planet’s going to survive whatever humankind does.  But humankind might not.  And we pups are dependent on you.  So please, for us, learn from this year.  And change.  Things can survive, and can get so much better.  And we will love you for it.

So that’s my wish list.  Do you have others you’d add?  I’d love to hear them, and share them with the rest of the pack!

And then will come the really interesting part: Doing what we can to make these wishes come true.

In fact, maybe that’s my greatest wish – that humans will come together to do just that, to make the world better.  Just that energy would make the future greater than any past that’s ever been.

0 What to do when you have different standards of intimacy with friends

Awerpia asks:

Of late I’m finding it difficult having discussions with my girlfriend because they only end up with her misinterpreting what I mean, crying and accusing me of having insecurities. But truthfully I really trust her; it’s just that sometimes I just want to get sometimes right. I just want to understand why she does certain things! Before this corona outbreak I remember visiting her and spending some time together. It was all great until she got a video call from a so-called male friend. I questioned her and she only retorted in anger! You see I don’t have any problem with my girlfriend having male friends. But I personally think video chatting someone is very intimate. Apart from her, I don’t video chat anyone. Sometimes it hurts when you try to keep something special for someone but actually they don’t regard it as such.  I mean how and why on earth would I video call my best female friend. The best I would do is to call on phone.  There are so many options for communication, so why choose video call?  I trust her when she says that the guy is just her friend. No doubt about that. But does the guy just want friendship? Because I don’t see the necessity of video calling my best female friend unless it’s really some pictorial aid I need, which is very rare. But the way she defended the whole act made me look like a fool.  I’m still not comfortable with this video call issue but it’s like I have to swallow it. 

Hi Awerpia –

            What I want to do is to bring the two of you into a room and ask you both some questions.  And there’s SO MUCH about that wish that I can’t do!!!

            But mainly I want to ask you why her having videochat with him bothers you so much, and I want to ask her why it’s so important to her to do it.

            Now I’ll start on you.  You say it’s “intimate.”  But isn’t videochatting what’s happening with every business meeting, cocktail party, yoga class, and therapy session in the world right now?  Does she not videochat with her female friends, her relatives, or her coworkers?  Now you’re right that someone could use videochatting for VERY intimate exchanges.  But what is it that makes you feel so strongly about it?

            And with her – what’s the big deal?  Sure it can be fun to videochat, but if your boyfriend is bothered by you videochatting with this one guy, then why not talk on a phone instead?  Lots of people choose the phone these days just because they haven’t showered yet, or because they don’t want to put on makeup.  What’s so bad about doing that?

            In other words, to me it feels like both of you are acting out of some anxiety that I don’t quite understand.  But let’s be clear – we dogs greet each other by sniffing each other’s butts, so our concerns about intimacy are very different from yours!! 

            Meanwhile, in terms of how best to deal with this, I’d suggest you do some soul-searching and figure out the answers to my questions to you, and then tell them to her.  Explain what it is that bothers you so much about this (again, versus her videochatting with other people).  And then tell her, “I know it might be silly, but it really bothers me.  Would you be willing to give me this?” 

            If she agrees to stick to the phone, then fine.  But if not, then feel free to ask her the things I asked you.  And then see if you two can work something out. 

            Truly, whatever it is that you decide is fine, as long as it’s together!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re asked to have an affair

Chandrani123 asks:

I have been in a relationship for four and a half years. My boyfriend is ten years older than me, he is very mature, cool minded & never gets angry upon me. We have a delightful relationship; sometimes I fight with him but he manages my anger really well. He never gave me chance to doubt him. He loves me very much but the turning point in our relationship began when once we decided to disclose our relationship to our family members. My boyfriend tried to convince his mom for marriage but she refused, wanting her son to marry by her choice. At last, my boyfriend gave up. I didn’t pressure him ever. Now my boyfriend says he is bound to marry by his family choice but he wants to keep his relationship with me just like now. But I am very afraid of extramarital affairs, and I think it is sinful to destroy his married life. So what should I do?

Hi Chandrani123 –

            I can’t tell you how many letters I’ve gotten in the past few years about just this issue – people who are dating someone, and have fallen in love with them, but then their families step in and one or both say they want their kid to have an arranged marriage.

            As a dog, I’m not opinionated on whether arranged marriages or the unarranged kind where people date to find who they want are the best kind.  Either is fine.  But it sure strikes me that this merging of cultural systems, where young people date and get involved with someone, and then their families pick someone, is a road to heartbreak! 

            First of all, you’re hurt by the fact that he’s not going to marry you.  And secondly, he’s almost guaranteed to not like or love the woman he’s paired with as much as he does you – at least for a long time. 

            And as a big-hearted dog, I hate anything that causes that kind of sadness.

            But you are bringing up a third point – this guy wants to keep you, even when he marries.  To keep you as a mistress, a lover.

            And while he might not be thinking this way, that is an absolute guarantee of hurting LOTS of people.

            Think of it.  First, he’s humiliating the woman he loves – asking her to commit adultery which she considers a sin.  Second, he’s planning on cheating on the woman he’s going to marry, before he even knows who she is!  But third, if the word gets out, what would this do to his family?  To your family?  To any children he and she have together?! 

            I have known numerous cases of people finding love outside their marriages.  Even if it’s the best choice for them, it’s always painful and difficult.  But in this case, he’s planning on it in advance!

            If you hadn’t told me so many wonderful things about him, I might assume he’s a selfish jerk.  But it’s clear he’s not.  So I’m going to guess that he’s just simply not thinking this through fully.

            Which means you’re going to have to do the thinking, and deciding for the two of you.

            Which is hard.  Really hard.

            My friend, I don’t see any possibility here except for you to break up with him.  And I know that’s the most hurtful thing I can say.  But it’s clearly the best thing for both of you.

            If you do, one of two things will happen.  First (and most likely), he’ll marry the woman his family chooses for him, treat her well (as he’s done with you), and learn to love her over time as she does him.  You may well remain the secret love in his heart, but life will move on.  And you will slowly get over this pain, and meet another man, one who’s available to you, and move forward with him – likely with more happiness than your current boyfriend is going to have (because you’ll have chosen this next guy).

            OR… it goes a different direction.  Your boyfriend tries to play by his family’s rules, but it doesn’t work.  He misses you.  He gets angry with his parents.  He gets introduced to the sorts of women they want, and doesn’t feel anything for them.  And eventually he breaks off from agreeing to their idea, and comes back to you, begging you to take him back.

            But that second idea, romantic as it is, can’t happen until he is forced to make up his mind.  His idea of you as his lover is a great way of him avoiding that choice – but you (and any woman he’s paired up with) deserve him to be forced into it!

            I’m so sorry this situation is so hard.  But truly, if you can do this (maybe the most difficult thing you’ve ever done), it ought to free you both up to far better lives than his idea can possibly offer you.

            With all my love,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when your relationship is faithful but disrespectful.

Yara asks:

            I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy for about one and half years. I am constantly feeling confused with my relationship, for while it is the most relaxing time to be with him, at the same time there are a lot of questions beating my head. We do fight a tad more than normal because I expect some things from him and he sometimes fails to do them. And recently I found that he is following a girl on Instagram from his past who he had a fling with. When I confronted him, he said I am not giving him any privacy, that I’m spying on him and my asking about it shows I don’t trust him. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I feel uncomfortable that he follows her. At the end of the day I always end up feeling like I shouldn’t have asked this and that, because I don’t trust him. And he keeps saying that it is my insecurity that I ask this from him He shouldn’t have pinned it on my insecurity.  I am torn between whether it is my fault, that I shouldn’t have made it an issue. I am on the brink of breaking up. I love him a lot ,but why is it always my fault? I want a relationship with understanding and love with him. Am I fooling myself and being blind to the truth because of the love I have for him?

Hi Yara –

            I often talk with humans about how different I am from you guys, but in this case you and I are a lot alike.  My human friend Handsome is my favorite thing in the world, and I’m his.  But he of course is very fond of all other dogs as well, and loves to pet them and cuddle them and play with them and let them lick and chew on him and… you get the idea.

            Well, if he does this when he’s away from me, and he comes back with their smell on him, I have to admit, I love it!  I’m excited to sniff him all over like crazy.  I love his smell normally, but with them added he’s so much more interesting!

            But if we’re “in-person,” it’s another story.  He’ll see some puppy and pet it and tell it how cute it is, and I get furious.  Not at him (who probably deserves it more), but at the dog!  I’ll run up and bark and snarl and almost attack the poor pooch, letting it know “That Man is MINE!” 

            So what did the dog do to deserve this?  Nothing.  And why is it okay when Handsome does it away from me but not where I can see it?  Because of my pride.

            I feel completely disrespected.  Dishonored.

            Now I’m not here to say whether or not your boyfriend ought to be following his ex on Instagram.  Maybe it’s fine (Handsome stays in touch with lots of his exes, completely innocently), or maybe it’s suspicious.  But that’s up to you to decide.

            But it sounds like you already have decided.  You trust him.  You fully believe that his following her on Instagram is harmless and does not imply that he’s doing anything remotely wrong with her.

            But you don’t like it!

            And I’m thinking that the reason you don’t is because it’s so public, so “in your face.”  And just like me when Handsome pets some cute pup, your emotions get triggered.  And then you want to lash out, but, again like me, there’s no correct target for it!  In my case, I jump on some innocent pooch.  And in yours, you “confront” him about it.

            So it makes sense that he’s confused.  If you do trust him, then what’s so bad about his following her?  Right?

            What’s missing is that you’re not telling him about the disrespect you feel.  That he’s making a public showing of his interest in her, that all your friends can see, and that feels bad to you.

            Now if you do talk with him about it, that conversation can lead many ways.  Maybe he agrees to stop following her.  But maybe instead he agrees to post more pictures of the two of you together on Instagram, making it clear that you two are a couple, and he makes any comments about her photos include the word “friend.”  Like “This is hilarious!  I’m so glad we’re friends!” or “Hey pal, that’s a great photo!”

            Do you see where I’m going? 

            Trust is one thing.  I know Handsome’s not going to take me back to the pound and exchange me for another dog.  But respect is another – and is way subtler.

            So if I’m right, let him know what’s up, and see if the two of you can work something out about it.  Again, it sounds like neither of you is doing anything wrong; you just want to find out how to make each other feel as good as possible – for him to maintain his friendship, and for you to feel honored.

            I think you two deserve it!

            Good Luck!

            Shirelle

0 Should you leave your current relationship because you never got over an earlier one?

Shreyash1009 asks: Two years ago I proposed to a girl with whom I’d been in love for five years. That time she rejected the proposal saying we were friends, but after a year she proposed back to me. It was my first relationship and I could not build a good bond with her. After two months she told me that it was not working between us. I was heartbroken and it took some time to be back. After some months I tried to propose to my friend’s ex-girlfriend and she was convinced. I was not serious with her, but she was having strong and serious feelings for me. We have been together for a year and a half, and I am not serious for her but she loves me. I am still not able to forget the girl from before. I am very much worried and don’t even know what to do.

Hi Shreyash1009 –

This is a really tough situation.  I’m sorry for you, and for both of the girls.

Humans tend to believe that romance will be like… well, like buying a dog.  You find one you like, you take them home, you train each other, and after six months or so it’s a perfect relationship with unconditional love and loyalty till death do you part.

Yeah… no.

Romance between humans is way more complex than that, with all kinds of opinions and resentments and hurts that happen all the time.  And, yes, sometimes a spark just doesn’t happen, or it goes away.  And that’s really really sad.

As with your letter – you don’t say a single word against either of these ladies.  It’s not that one cheated, or started hitting you, or stopped bathing.  This is just a case where feelings are inconvenient. 

So, I hate to say it, but if you’re sure about the way you feel about the second girl, I think that probably the best thing to do is to let her go.  Will it hurt her?  Absolutely.  Just as it hurt you when the other one rejected you.  But you did survive it, and this one ought to as well.

If you and this girl had been married for years and were raising children together, I might say something different here – I might argue that if you two get along okay, it could be worth it to stay together for all the good things your marriage gives you, even though you’re not feeling that romantic thrill.

But you’re not married, and you don’t have kids.  And the best thing for you and her might well be to move on and find someone else better for you. 

But wait, I’ll also argue against this!  ARE you sure that you’re not interested in the girl you’re with now?  Is your love for the other one more a fantasy than a real interest?  After all, I’m not hearing you say that you’ve spent the last couple of years pursuing her.  Could you actually be happier with this one than with someone else?

No one fits every wish anyone has for a partner.  There’s always compromise.

Your job, my friend, is to figure out which is the best way for you to go.  To hurt this girl’s feelings so both of you can be free, or to work harder to make things work with her.

I’ll be glad to help with whatever you decide.  But the decision is, and has to be, yours.

I wish you great wisdom and the best of luck

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re being shamed for what you did in a previous relationship

Arpita asks: I had broken up with my boyfriend 3 months ago. Then I found a guy withnwhom I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s too new, but he is everything I wanted.  My ex recently found out that I had cheated on him once (I had kissed a guy during my internship). My ex is shattered as he still has feelings for me, and I feel horrible about what I did. His friend has been abusing me in messages, slut-shaming me. Of course I can’t discuss all these with the guy I’m with now. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Arpita –

You’re in three situations, one is shockingly awful, and the other two are more normal than you realize.

The normal ones are that you have a new boyfriend while your former one still has feelings for you, which creates a problem, and that you did something that you’re ashamed of in that previous relationship.  Again, both of these are very common, and I’d even argue that most people have to contend with them.

Then you have something else that’s horrible and inexcusable, which is your ex’s friend doing all this slut-shaming abuse.

So let’s start with my strongest statement here – you KISSED a boy.  Yes, you shouldn’t have, and you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to have kissed another girl.  But it was KISSING.  You didn’t have an affair, you didn’t sleep around, you didn’t do anything to embarrass or shame your boyfriend.  And you know what else you didn’t do?  You didn’t allow (or encourage) a friend of yours to say awful things to or about him!  I’m sorry but that’s SO MUCH WORSE THAN KISSING SOMEONE.  It’s cruel and pathetic and often traumatizing.

No one has ever been in a relationship for any serious length of time without doing things they regret.  I have tons of regrets for things I have done that hurt my human friend Handsome, and he might have even more about me.  But those mistakes are part of how we’ve learned to love and trust each other over the years.  Because we’ve seen how much the other regrets the things they’ve done that have hurt us.  And how much we each want the other to be safe and happy.

So my first advice would be to reach out to your ex, if you’re comfortable doing that, and let him know that what his friend is doing is enormously hurtful to you, and gets in the way of your having any relationship to him, even friendship.  Then it’ll be interesting to see what he says or writes back: If it’s “I had no idea!  I’m so sorry, I’ll call him right now and stop this!” then that’s not so bad.  But if it’s “Well you deserve it, since what you did was unforgivable,” then you might consider blocking them both at least for a while.  (I’m assuming you’ve already apologized to him for having kissed the guy, right?  Ideally more than once?  Because if so, enough is enough!)

But now when we get to the other guy, the new wonderful one, what to do?  Well, again, I’m going to go to my line that it was only kissing.  And suggest that maybe your best bet is to tell him.

Here’s my thought.  Maybe you even start with “What’s the worst thing you ever did in a relationship?”  And when he answers, tell him, “here’s mine.”  And describe it to him.  Tell him how ashamed you are of it, how sorry you are, and (and here’s the big one) what you learned from the experience which guarantees that you will never do that again.  And tell him that you want him to know about it, because you value him so much and you don’t want to take a chance that he might hear it from someone else.  But also, you’re caring so much that it’s a little scary.  And you don’t want to live in a situation where you get so committed to someone who can’t accept you as you are, flaws and all.

(That’s why I want you to ask what he’s done wrong – so you can both accept each other’s flaws.)

If this guy can’t accept that you were in a relationship that wasn’t as good as the one you have with him, and kissed another boy once, then maybe he’s not as wonderful as you think.  But if he hears it, and says that it would break his heart if you did that to him, so he’s counting on you to stick to your word and not kiss another boy as long as you’re together… then I say you’re right, and he’s absolutely wonderful!

So those are my thoughts.  Maybe there’s something I’ve gotten wrong, and if so please let me know.  But the one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that you deserve better than you’re getting now from that friend of your ex’s.  And somehow or other, I’d love to see that stop.

All my very best,

Shirelle (who likes to kiss EVERYBODY!)