Category Archives for "Teens"

0 Should parents search their children’s phone?

Mika asks: Should parents search their children’s phone?

Hi Mika –

This is a really tough question.  Of course parents should do anything and everything they can to keep their children safe.  And if they’re truly worried about something happening on their kid’s cell phone (for example, creepy adults contacting their kids, or something about drugs), they absolutely have every right and responsibility to check.

But then I hear other cases, like a letter from abcdefg I got a while back, a parent who had been looking on her teenage daughter’s cell phone and wanted to know what to do about the relationship she’d discovered.  You can find it here on this site if you like.

The real point here is that cell phones are like many other things in our world – public items that involve privacy.  Humans can keep people from reading their Facebook page, they can put blocks on their kids’ emails, etc.  It’s all very Continue reading

0 How to set goals

Darlene asks: what advice can I give friends about setting goals?

Hi Darlene –

Well, I’m going to sound a bit hypocritical here, since I give advice on this website every day, but really, friends often don’t want to get advice from their friends.  I’m a huge fan of setting goals, and clearly I’ve set a lot (making this website, catching squirrels, and other less-important issues), but I did those because I wanted to — not because Buddy or Scruffy from across the street told me I should.

In fact, I find that the best way to get your friends to “up their game” in the way you want is to show them, instead of telling them.  So if you have a goal that you want to achieve, talk more about it.  And let them in on your process.

For example, let’s say that you make a New Year’s Resolution that you’re going to plant two hundred Continue reading

0 Why do young people idolize entertainers

Donna asks: Why do young people idolize entertainers?

Hi Donna –

That’s a great question!  We’re so used to young people, especially teenagers, idolizing entertainers that we usually don’t ever think to ask Why!  Of course, in order to give a decent answer, we should also point out that there are young people who don’t idolize entertainers per se, but most will idolize someone – athletes, teachers, or of course religious figures.

I believe it comes from a simple developmental need.  When humans are children, they naturally idolize their parents or caregivers.  They spend most of their waking hours trying to be like them – that’s how people learn to walk, to speak, even how to think the way they do.  But then there has to come a time when they start looking outward for role models (this usually starts around age 7 or 8), and eventually they become teenagers, who care about what their peers think of them, at least as much as about what their Continue reading

0 How to talk freely with your parents

Priya asks: I’m not able to talk to my parents freely. What should I do?

Hi Priya –

Thanks for your question about not being able to talk to your parents freely.

The tough question here is whether it’s because they are impossible to communicate with, or because you’re unwilling or scared to try.  Either – or both – is possible.

I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both, which is what I usually see in families.  If that’s the case, you need to do two things.  First, you need to do whatever you can to help them improve communication with you.  That probably means that they need to develop a trust that you can have a mature conversation with them, about a difficult subject.  And the only way you can prove that is to do it:  Go to them with a subject that is slightly difficult, and sit down and talk openly about it.  Let’s say, for example, that you have no interest in Continue reading

0 Why are young people into negative things?

lynch asks: Why are young people so hooked on the negative things?

Hi Lynch –

I don’t fully agree with you – I see young people hooked on positive things all the time – but I know what you’re talking about.  In particular, I imagine that, when you say “young people,” you’re referring to teenagers and people in their early 20’s.

There is a definite thing about that age that draws humans to a certain negativity.  They’ll often speak with a cynicism, listen to harsh music that says unpleasant things, and show great scorn for their parents and other authority figures.  And that’s the “good” kids – while others are smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing illegal drugs, joining Continue reading

0 How to write a persuasive speech

Jhen asks: can you give me one or two minute persuasive speeches

Hi Jhen –

Thanks for your question about persuasive speeches.  Persuasive speeches are speeches that are intended to get the listener to do something.  When your schoolteacher gives you a big lecture on geography or math, that’s not a persuasive speech (even if they end it by saying “Do your homework!”).  A persuasive speech is one that truly wants to change your mind about what you’re going to do.  Advertisements are all persuasive (even the ones that seem to just be informative or funny).  Nearly all political speeches are persuasive – with all the action going on in the world today, our televisions and radios are loaded with it, from the yelling in the squares in Egypt and Syria to Mr. Cameron and the strikers in England arguing against each other, to Mr. Obama and all the people running against him for the presidency – everyone’s wanting the listener to agree with them and act accordingly.

So you want an example of a one-or-two-minute one?  Well here’s one I gave this morning:  “Hey, Cat!  This is my yard!  I’m shut inside this house, but if I can get out I’m going to jump on you so hard your tail will stick through your ears!  Get out!  I said Get Out!  Stop looking at me like you’re so smug and smart – I’ll wipe that grin off your face you rotten…”  You get the Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between sisters

ricca asks: Today my sister and I were having a big war, and we’re still not settled down. What should I do?

Hi Ricca –

Thanks for your question about your fight with your sister.

Of course, I have no idea what your fight was over, or who was right or wrong.  But in the end, that really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?  What’s bothering you is that your fight is continuing, and that you need a way to resolve it.

Now if that’s only your feeling, and not your sister’s, that’s your first problem.  Somehow, you need to convince her to work with you to move past the fight.  I usually find that the best way to get that going is to find some part, any part, of the fight that you can acknowledge was your fault.  Or where you were wrong.  Let’s say the fight was because she set your bed on fire by accident.  Now you’re not about to say that was okay, but maybe you could acknowledge that if you had made your bed, the sheets wouldn’t have been touching the floor, where the gasoline she spilled could reach them!  (Don’t ask me how she got gasoline into your room or how it got lit – this dog’s imagination only goes so Continue reading

0 How to handle a stressful family

Mandy asks: I’m a young teen in need of help. Pressure and stress have gone to my head, and I have had enough with my family! My stepmother and biological mother are smothering me! I am tired of living. Can you give me something to raise my spirits? That’s really what I need right now.

Hi Mandy –

I know exactly how you feel!  And I can promise you one other thing – so does every person reading this!!!  EVERYONE goes through it!  Especially when you’re a teenager!

You might have heard of a famous actor named James Dean.  His most famous role was in a movie called “Rebel Without a Cause,” where he played a teenager pushed to the edge in lots of ways.  At the beginning of the movie, he gets in trouble with the cops, and his parents come to get him, arguing and worrying and criticizing and scolding until he finally screams, “You’re tearing me APART!”

Sound familiar?

Mandy, I would love to give you something to raise your spirits.  But I don’t know you well enough to know what kind of songs or jokes or food you like (for me: Artie Shaw, watching cats slip on bananas, and cheeseburgers!  Just in case you were wondering).

So instead, I’m going to make a point that I often do, but I think it just can’t be emphasized enough – This Will Pass.  It is very hard for teenagers to believe this, and there’s a very important reason for that.

In the last decade or so, scientists have discovered a fascinating thing about brain development.  By the time a kid becomes a teenager, their brain is fully complete, with one exception.  They don’t yet have a full sense of Time.  That sense isn’t full till one is 19 or so.

This is why teenagers are so passionate and intense (which is great) and why they so often feel that what they’re going through at the time will last forever.  (I love to point out that Shakespeare was totally right to have Romeo and Juliet be teenagers; if they were in their 20s, they’d have calmly worked to find a way to either make their parents get along, or sneak away.  So what a bore that play would have turned out to be!)

Mandy, it totally stinks that you’re having to go through all this with your mother and stepmother.  It’s not fair and it’s not reasonable.  But it is temporary!  The day will come when you can move out, or you can get them to treat you better.  But for now, my impassioned advice to you is to do what every dog in the world does when they’re left at home alone.  Trust that somehow, in some way, life will get good again.  And it almost always does.

And in the meantime…   songs, jokes, and food…  hey those can really help!

Cheers,

Shirelle

PS:  But if there’s anything I can suggest, to make dealing with these ladies easier, just let me know.  I’m always glad to help.

0 Liking someone who is only drawn to you when you pull away

TeenWolf2725 asks: I have another question about the guy I like. He is a good friend of mine, but it’s like an on-and-off relationship. I mean when I like him, he doesn’t like me, but when I start to forget about him, he seems to like me, and I don’t understand it. I need some help with this one.

Wow TeenWolf2725, I can totally relate!  You see, as a dog (or wolf), we tend to simply adore the ones we adore, and want to be with them all the time.  But there are other sorts, other animals, who are the exact opposite.  And you know what they’re called?  Cats!

Cats just hate getting attention and intimacy and closeness all the time.  They’ll let people pet them, purring and lapping it up, and then suddenly scratch at the person and run away.  Cats are drawn to people who ignore them (if you don’t believe me, watch a person with cat allergies at a party – cats will avoid everyone else and be rubbing on that person’s Continue reading

0 How to tell an only child they’re about to have a younger sibling

Haj asks: How should parents deal with the first child, when the mother is about to have a second child? How she should prepare and give time to the first one, to make sure they don’t get emotionally disturbed?

Hi Haj –

What a great question!

You are absolutely right to want to prepare your child for having a younger sibling.  For many kids, this is the biggest event of their lives, and the most difficult.

It’s easy to understand why.  Since they were born, that child has been the center of your universe, and felt it!  No matter what scary or upsetting things came at them in their life, they knew one really important fact: I am the person my parents love more than anything else in the world!

And now, suddenly… oops!  What’s about to happen?  Their whole world is about to crumble!  Their parents have chosen, chosen!, to bring another kid into this home, to split their attention between us instead of giving it all to me, to love that other kid as much as me, or maybe Continue reading