Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 What to do when you’re being shamed for what you did in a previous relationship

Arpita asks: I had broken up with my boyfriend 3 months ago. Then I found a guy withnwhom I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s too new, but he is everything I wanted.  My ex recently found out that I had cheated on him once (I had kissed a guy during my internship). My ex is shattered as he still has feelings for me, and I feel horrible about what I did. His friend has been abusing me in messages, slut-shaming me. Of course I can’t discuss all these with the guy I’m with now. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Arpita –

You’re in three situations, one is shockingly awful, and the other two are more normal than you realize.

The normal ones are that you have a new boyfriend while your former one still has feelings for you, which creates a problem, and that you did something that you’re ashamed of in that previous relationship.  Again, both of these are very common, and I’d even argue that most people have to contend with them.

Then you have something else that’s horrible and inexcusable, which is your ex’s friend doing all this slut-shaming abuse.

So let’s start with my strongest statement here – you KISSED a boy.  Yes, you shouldn’t have, and you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to have kissed another girl.  But it was KISSING.  You didn’t have an affair, you didn’t sleep around, you didn’t do anything to embarrass or shame your boyfriend.  And you know what else you didn’t do?  You didn’t allow (or encourage) a friend of yours to say awful things to or about him!  I’m sorry but that’s SO MUCH WORSE THAN KISSING SOMEONE.  It’s cruel and pathetic and often traumatizing.

No one has ever been in a relationship for any serious length of time without doing things they regret.  I have tons of regrets for things I have done that hurt my human friend Handsome, and he might have even more about me.  But those mistakes are part of how we’ve learned to love and trust each other over the years.  Because we’ve seen how much the other regrets the things they’ve done that have hurt us.  And how much we each want the other to be safe and happy.

So my first advice would be to reach out to your ex, if you’re comfortable doing that, and let him know that what his friend is doing is enormously hurtful to you, and gets in the way of your having any relationship to him, even friendship.  Then it’ll be interesting to see what he says or writes back: If it’s “I had no idea!  I’m so sorry, I’ll call him right now and stop this!” then that’s not so bad.  But if it’s “Well you deserve it, since what you did was unforgivable,” then you might consider blocking them both at least for a while.  (I’m assuming you’ve already apologized to him for having kissed the guy, right?  Ideally more than once?  Because if so, enough is enough!)

But now when we get to the other guy, the new wonderful one, what to do?  Well, again, I’m going to go to my line that it was only kissing.  And suggest that maybe your best bet is to tell him.

Here’s my thought.  Maybe you even start with “What’s the worst thing you ever did in a relationship?”  And when he answers, tell him, “here’s mine.”  And describe it to him.  Tell him how ashamed you are of it, how sorry you are, and (and here’s the big one) what you learned from the experience which guarantees that you will never do that again.  And tell him that you want him to know about it, because you value him so much and you don’t want to take a chance that he might hear it from someone else.  But also, you’re caring so much that it’s a little scary.  And you don’t want to live in a situation where you get so committed to someone who can’t accept you as you are, flaws and all.

(That’s why I want you to ask what he’s done wrong – so you can both accept each other’s flaws.)

If this guy can’t accept that you were in a relationship that wasn’t as good as the one you have with him, and kissed another boy once, then maybe he’s not as wonderful as you think.  But if he hears it, and says that it would break his heart if you did that to him, so he’s counting on you to stick to your word and not kiss another boy as long as you’re together… then I say you’re right, and he’s absolutely wonderful!

So those are my thoughts.  Maybe there’s something I’ve gotten wrong, and if so please let me know.  But the one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that you deserve better than you’re getting now from that friend of your ex’s.  And somehow or other, I’d love to see that stop.

All my very best,

Shirelle (who likes to kiss EVERYBODY!)

0 Should one only be with people of the right height?

Awerpia asks:

My girlfriend is 150cm tall (4 feet.) She’s short. And I am 165cm (around 5 feet). You see I love her so dearly that I don’t care about what other people see as flaws. My grandmother is a short woman around the same height as my mum and aunt, and coincidentally my girlfriend too. She blamed her children being short on her accepting short men. As such she vowed never to allow any of her daughters marry a short man. And her dream worked at least for my mum. My “stubborn” aunty married a short man (and yes her daughter is extremely short). You see, since my cousins and I were born, the only thing these three seemed to care about was us growing taller than each other. They just despise being short.  My mum in particular believes people look down on short people and that when you marry a short person you will end up with dwarfs as children. Even to the point, my grandmother behaved rudely to an innocent short girl who visited my male cousin. Thank God I don’t live with my grandmother and aunty. You see my mother never warned me initially about short girls. I would have killed the love I had for the girl if I knew it was a “taboo.” You see, as we speak now, I’m so much in love with the girl. And I really fear what these women would do if I introduce her in person. Right now my mum has only seen pictures of her because she lives in another part of the country. It’s not like I really care about my girlfriend’s height. She gives me the best hugs in the world. I tease her about her height, and I can easily carry her in my arms. She’s just cute. But right now I wish I could make her taller. And she’s already 25. I wish God could just add some 10 cms to her height overnight. I have searched everywhere from yoga to subliminal to exercises to meditation to pills, and I don’t even know if they will work or if she would have the time for it. And coming home and staying with mum makes me feel like it’s bad to be short. I look at her and she’s become fat and small and shorter because of her weight. It makes me question myself if that’s how my girlfriend would be one day, and if our children would be too short. If they would also fall into the “curse of being short.” This whole thing is just eating me up and I sincerely don’t know what to do.  I wish I could make her taller. I wish I could blind them from seeing her height. I wish I knew that my children would have a good height. But on the other hand I love my girlfriend so much. I’m in tears right now. I don’t know what to do. She’s my first girl and I want her to be the last!

Hi Awerpia –

The values humans put on physical attributes just fascinate me.  Where I live, I don’t see anyone look down on short women, but it’s very difficult for tall girls, especially growing up.  Boys don’t want to date or dance with them, because they think they’ll make them look less masculine.  (Of course then, some of those women use their height to go into modeling, which suddenly makes them “trophies” in men’s eyes!).

Meanwhile, of course, I see people judge others drastically based on the color of their skin, their skinniness, curviness, or weight, and even hair color! 

Now don’t get me wrong.  Everyone has the right to be attracted to what they’re attracted to.  I know a woman who’s happy to date any guy as long as his feet aren’t smaller than hers; that creeps her out!  And my human friend Handsome, who has dated many women most men find gorgeous, is actually more attracted to a woman’s voice than her looks.  And because of that, a “knockout” whose voice doesn’t attract him is far less appealing than a less-pretty girl who melts him with every word!

But I’m talking about values.  My woman friend doesn’t look down on men with small feet, and Handsome doesn’t disrespect women with unappealing voices.  But your family seems to actually devalue short women – even though many of them ARE short women!

So here’s the funny fact about this.  Humans have been growing taller, as a species, for the last thousand years.  Have you ever seen actual suits of armor from the Medieval era?  The brave knights who wore them, the ultimate macho-men of all time, were the size of today’s twelve-year-olds!  Improved nutrition, better medicine, and knowledge of best exercise have all helped people grow everywhere.  My guess is that your family’s five-foot men and four-foot women are the descendants of three-and-a-half-foot ancestors, maybe even shorter!

And so, there’s a really good chance that if you and your four-foot beloved have children, the girls will end up taller than her, and the boys taller than you.  Just by a centimeter or two, but enough to quiet your family’s concerns.

But that’s not what I care most about.  After all, shortness isn’t all that big a problem.  Vladimir Putin is just a bit taller than you.  The great musicians Paul Simon and Prince are/were your height.  And if you ever watched the popular show Game of Thrones, you know that Tyrion Lannister is the coolest character EVER, and is close to your girlfriend’s height!

But you know who’s way shorter than them?  And everyone I know thinks the world of?  ME!  On all fours I’m not quite three feet tall.  But I fill every room I enter – everyone wants to pet me except those who find me frightening!  “That’s a big scary dog!”

I’m sure your grandmother, mother, and aunt have suffered from being short, and the fact that they want the children in their family to skip that suffering is a virtue.  But they also need to realize that, by being wonderful women, they taught you to LIKE women like them, and seek out that sort of girl.

Normally I’d push all sorts of great stories on you about love overcoming prejudice, from West Side Story and Marty to The Shape of Water.  But in this case, it’s not that your family insists on you finding someone like them, but that they want someone different from them.

So I’d like you to look them each in the eye and tell them that you think she – your grandmother, your aunt, and your mother – is perfect.  Just the way I see Handsome and he sees me.  There’s nothing you’d change about them.  And that that means that you know a bunch of perfect four-foot-tall women.  And you’d like to introduce them to another.

And then you can add that, if they can’t accept her, that you’ll have to keep her away from them.  And that that would be for the stupidest reason EVER, that they can’t accept someone like them!

And my guess, Awerpia?  My guess is that they’ll all roll their eyes, sigh at the fact that your kids will have the same problems they did, and then accept her – and fall as much in love with her as you have.

And hopefully, they’ll learn a bit about accepting others, and about valuing themselves.  Which will be just great for everyone.

With HUGE GIGANTIC hopes for you!

Shirelle

PS: Oh I almost forgot.  While there are supplements and things you can give your kids to help them grow taller, nothing’s going to make an adult taller without causing severe spinal damage.  Love her as she is.  After all, you already do!

0 What to do when two great guys are both interested in you

Devikas asks: I am stuck in a complicated situation. There are two guys who are best friends and they both love me. One of them is my best friend from a long time, and I met the other one about two months ago. They both have been asking me out lately and I guess I have feelings for both. This complicated situation is also affecting the friendship among the boys. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Hi Devikas –

You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run.  Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!

The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams!  Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!).  So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?

Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat.  You like both these guys, and they like each other too, right?  So what if you asked them if you could date both, for a while?  Just dating!

And — and this part is very important — make it clear to both men that you WILL eventually decide to get into a committed relationship with one of them, or break up with both.  You won’t make this a long-term game and just keep toying with them like a cat with a bird.

Now if you do this, sure, you’ll miss out on some of the nice parts about a committed relationship for a while.  But at the same time, you’ll be pursued by two awesome guys, both trying to outdo the other, and you’ll get to feel the joy of being the powerful one (unlike the way one feels having a high school crush, or finding out your boyfriend has three other women!).  

But, like the pizza and lamb, could something go wrong? Absolutely.

And that might prove to be the best thing about this whole deal.

Let’s say one of the guys says “No way, I’m not going to be treated like that!  If you can’t commit to me on faith, then forget it, I want nothing to do with you!”  Well, my friend, that will mean you’ve dodged a bullet!   You will have found out that that guy is bitter and vindictive, and doesn’t really care about your feelings.  It will be the best possible result of this whole story!

So I’d say to go for both.  Maybe even give them a time limit “I promise I’ll get out of this two-relationship thing by New Year’s” or whatever works.  

My guess is, there’s a really good chance you’ll figure out what you need to within a few weeks.  The one guy will not be as interested in you as he advertises, or the other won’t be as good at dropping those other women as he thinks.  

But in the meantime, how nice to be fought over!  In fact, I don’t know your diet, but maybe you could fulfill MY fantasy, and have one of the guys take you out for a great pizza, and the other to a restaurant where they serve lamb!  YOU’D TRULY BE LIVING MY DREAM!!!

Have fun with this!

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to marry someone when that will bring them into your family’s problems?

Kiran1209 asks:

 In my family, there is no good communication between my mother and father. And the situation has been like this for years. There is always a difference in opinion between them and this leads to fighting. Often I don’t like the atmosphere that is created in the house. There is never a normal discussion in our house, it always ends up in fighting ( verbally). I always have to intervene and lighten the atmosphere.  I hope you get what I am trying to tell. If it had been a little abnormal, I would have not mentioned this to you.  So, the girl I met comes from a different atmosphere (normal family ). It’s much better than our house. So, a thought comes to my mind “why a girl like her should be exposed to such a negative atmosphere?” And this thought goes through my mind continuously when I am at home (dealing with the condition).  And in arranged marriage it’s not just two people but the families are involved too.  I told her about the family situation too and asked if she wouldn’t rather have an arrange marriage with a more suitable option than me (family being my main concern). But even after telling her this, she wanted to go ahead with me. I didn’t understand why she still wanted to go ahead in this process with me. On asking her she told me “I discussed the above point with my mother (her mother) and she said you want to live with the person most of the time and his behavior matters the most.” Yes, the person who you are marrying matters the most, but the family’s behavior is also important, right?  I just can’t get rid of the thought that, why should such a person come into a negative atmosphere of our family.  How would you look at this situation??

Hi Kiran1209 –

There’s an old story about a traveling salesman.  He goes to a small town and wants to get a haircut.  He finds out there are two barbers in the town.  He walks around to check them out.  The first barber’s shop is a disaster – it looks like it hasn’t been swept up in weeks, the equipment is old, and the barber himself has sloppy hair and clothes.  He then goes to the second shop.  It’s neat, clean, and fashionable.  The barber is smartly dressed and groomed, everything in place.

He goes to the first shop.  Why?

Because that’s the barber who gave the second barber his haircut!   The neat one gave the crummy cut to the slob!

Now back to you, you are absolutely correct that families matter enormously in all relationships, and even more in arranged marriages.  But I’m guessing that this girl has seen that, in her family where her parents get along so well, she or one of her siblings is the “difficult one” in the house.  And the parents have to calm that person down.  Whereas in your home, you are the mediator, you’re the one making everything better.  Isn’t that the ideal guy she ought to consider marrying?!

I’ll add something else.  She’s heard your pain.  You hate what’s wrong in your parents’ marriage, and want so badly to have something different from that.  Well, when she hears that, she’s hearing “I don’t want endless fighting.  I want to work things out and be happy.”

I’m no mind-reader, but if I have this correct, this lady is S M A R T !!!!

All my best,

Shirelle

ps: Oh one other thing – she also sees that your parents, who struggle in their marriage, have still stayed together.  That also might mean a lot to her – this isn’t a family where people are going to divorce at the first disagreement!

0 How to deal with your new relationship having had a past you have trouble accepting

PERFECTION asks: My girlfriend and I somehow shared some things about our past relationships and the sort of things she and I did before we got to meet each other. I was a little bit carried out by those facts that I’ve learned. Can you help me clear my mind about it, and to not think of it anymore? I don’t want to be distracted by something that has happened years ago.

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m going to stick with what I said to you before.  The problem isn’t what she’s done in the past, it’s your feeling not-good-enough about yourself, and probably imagining that some guy in her past was “better” than you in some regard.

And here’s the bad news: each one was.

Before me, Handsome had five dogs.  Each of them was absolutely wonderful in their way.  He would never have traded any of them for anything.  One was tougher than me, one sweeter, one prettier… and he loves me so much his heart almost can’t take it.  I actually hope there’s an afterlife where I’ll get to meet them all.  We’ll play, we’ll fight over who’s best, and of course we’ll make lots of fun of Handsome, and what a goof he is.  And when he gets there to meet us… oh man will he go NUTS!  Because he loves us all so much!

But each of us will have been from a different time in his life.  And so the he that loves me more than anything will be a bit different from the part that idolized Wolfgang, or depended on Ygor’s heart to get through his tough teen years.  

So can I get jealous?  Sure.  But it’s a waste of time.  It’s far better for me to focus on my gratitude – how much I love having the relationship I have with him right now.  And letting that gratitude overwhelm me.   As his does him.

Can you do that?  Can you, instead of focusing on some jerk she dated some time ago, who either dumped her or she him, let yourself just swoon in the thrill that she’s interested in you now?!  And that she’s the best thing you’ve ever found?!  

Yeah, one of those guys was a better athlete.  One was just crazy-good-looking.  One sang like John Legend.  

But none of them were you.  And she’s not talking with any of them today.  Or if she is, it’s as friends, which is maybe even better!  YOU are the one that matters.

And that, my friend, is not just the key to beating past silly jealousies; it’s pretty much the key to enjoying life altogether.

At least that’s how I enjoy mine.  That and getting letters from you of course!

Enjoy!

Shirelle

0 Why would someone newly-sober break up from their relationship?

K-Xengah asks:

I took your advice concerning my boyfriend and his drug problems and it totally worked. He hit rock bottom and his withdrawal made him quit. So thanks, cause if it was not for your advice I would have totally helped him find money for drugs so he can feel better.  But right now we are going through problems. He broke up with me for something I didn’t do. Apparently I’m cheating on him, going to see other guys and flirting with them… which isn’t true. But I don’t know how to convince him I didn’t do anything, because he wouldn’t even believe me if I said that. I don’t even know if I should even try to work things out. I told him to communicate with me, but he’d rather put subliminals on his whatsapp status. Part of me wants to prove him wrong and get back together with him, but because of his subliminals, another part of me just wants to prove him wrong and that’s it. I don’t even know how to or what to even say to him. He called earlier and I just watched it ring. Because in the first place, before I found out why he broke up with me, he just broke up with me without a reason and that’s like mental torture cause I was constantly thinking about it. 

Hi K-Xengah –

So for starters… WOW!!  That’s just fantastic!!  I’m so proud of you!  Whatever happens with this relationship, you’ve done a huge part to save his life, and I know it was really hard!  I’m thrilled to have been a part of it, really honored.

But as for now…  yeah, that’s the thing with addiction; stopping the drug is just the start.  This is why so many people working on sobriety join groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, to work on all the stuff under their addiction.  And why there are groups like AlAnon, for people involved with addicts (often their children or spouses).  To do the work they need to, with others going through the same things.

What you’re dealing with now is the deep pain your boyfriend drank to numb.  He probably feels very bad about himself, and that it would only make sense for you to look elsewhere for love.  And it’s not a big jump from that belief to believing that you have looked elsewhere, and are actively enjoying it!

I’m about 99% sure that he will try to start things back up with you, as his bad feelings about himself move from “She’s been cheating on me” to “I need her back and I hurt her.”  But when he does, if you can find the same strength you’ve shown again, and use it to get him to go to some AA meetings or see a therapist (or best of all, BOTH!), he can start to do the real, deep, painful work he needs to, to move on from all this awfulness he’s feeling – and giving you.

He might say no.  And if he goes, he might not always continue to go.  And either way, he might “slip off the wagon” and drink again.  In fact, the odds are all these will happen.  It’s part of the journey every addict takes on their road to recovery.  And you may have noticed, people on this journey always call themselves “a recovering alcoholic,” not “a recovered one.”  The journey continues. 

It’s hard work, but right now you and he have both risen to the occasion beautifully.  If you can both continue it, truly anything is possible.

But he might need you to convince him of that!

Bowing to you in awe and respect,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone breaks up with you because they feel not good enough

eimuun asks:

I want to ask you about my relationship with this girl that I really love – well I must say the relationship we had because she broke up with me yesterday.  The reason for the breakup was that she wasn’t in a clear headspace at the moment, and she was also staying stuff like ‘you don’t love me, I’m not your type,’ where there hasn’t been a day in our relationship that I haven’t told her that I love her or ignored her or anything like that.  We were in a long distance relationship, and I tried my best to make her feel special from far away.  She was fine too, until yesterday in a split-second she changed her mind and went “I want a breakup!”  I just don’t know how to deal with this.  I know that she really loves me too, but another thing is that she always speaks about the ex I had from two years ago.  She keeps saying stuff like, “She is better, go to her!” Whereas I’ve had no communication with my ex whatsoever.  It’s like she can’t move on from her (and I’d like to add that she had an ex too).  I just feel really lost at the moment, so can you please suggest something that I could do? I really don’t want to lose her.  And not talking to her feels really bad.

Hi eimuun –

Of course, I don’t know anything about what’s going on in her mind, but I do know one thing.  When you say “in a split second she changed her mind,” you’re incorrect.  No one does that.  Whatever her reasons were, she had been dealing with them for a while before she sprang this on you. 

But I will make a guess about her reason.  It seems to be based, not in the idea that you’re not good enough, but that she isn’t.  Yes I know you’ve been telling her she’s wonderful and that you love her.  But for some reason, she thinks she’s not your type, and that you’d be better off with your ex.

It reminds me of a woman Handsome dated some time ago.  She was blonde and stunningly beautiful, and he had known her quite a while before they got involved, when she had another boyfriend and he had to restrain himself from expressing how he felt about her.  So he would tell her about other women he was attracted to, many of whom were darker than her – in hair, in skin, in eyes.  Then when they were finally dating, she was worried she wasn’t attractive to him, because she was light-skinned and blonde, even though he’d had a crush on her for years!  Nothing he’d say could convince her otherwise!

It’s kind of funny, because even though we’re color-blind, I know very well that I’m a beautiful orange dog, and that anyone who is drawn to me could be equally drawn to a Collie, a Labrador Retriever, or a Samoyed.  The color doesn’t define it!

So my suggestion is to find a way to get together with her and talk about this.  What is it that makes her think you’re not interested?  Is there something she needs that you’re not doing or saying?  (Or am I completely wrong, is she missing her ex and putting her feelings onto you?!)

Whatever it is, your job is to convince her that she’s wrong about your attraction.  But if she won’t allow you to convince her, like the woman Handsome was with, you’ll eventually find you’re better off without her.  It’s sad, but just as relationships need trust in other ways, they need trust in this too.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when both people in a relationship have broken the other’s trust

JuicyBest asks:

My boyfriend, after he tracked a phone he gave to me and was actually seeing all my messages, saw when I cheated on him.  He told me it was over, but after persistence and begging, he forgave and now we are back.  But I no longer feel the vibe in the relationship the way it used to be. I kinda feel tensed around though he said he has forgiven, but I still feel guilty whenever we are together.  My Boyfriend isn’t financially stable but I love him.  Sometimes I try my best not to let it get to me because he can barely provide what I want, but sincerely speaking I do love him and we are both in college. I won’t lie, the idea of cheating to foot some bills pops up in. I’m confused and don’t know what to do.

Hi JuicyBest –

Your situation, I’m sorry to say, makes complete sense to me.  I always argue that the most important element of a romantic relationship is trust, and you both have hurt the trust of each other.  Him by tracking your phone and spying on your messages, and you by cheating on him.  This doesn’t make it impossible to make the relationship work, but it does make it a lot harder.

It’s good that you two have agreed to work things out, and it’s even better that you feel guilty about hurting him.  But now comes the big work: Getting the other to trust you again.

See, that’s really hard.  We dogs tend to trust everyone we meet, especially when we’re puppies, but if someone ruins that trust, let’s say by kicking us, we then know they’re capable of hurting us.  And once we know that, it’s impossible for us to believe they’re not capable of that.

So the answer then is to treat us so well, with such consistency, that we choose  to trust you again.  To believe, not that you can’t kick us, but that you won’t. 

So can you and your boyfriend each promise each other that  you will never do what you did again?  Great.  And then, can you each work really hard, for a long time, to earn the other’s trust?  That’s harder.

So for example, you’re counting on him going to a party with you, and he realizes he can’t make it because he forgot to study for a test.  Should he go to the party anyway, should he lie to you about why it happened, or should he tell the truth (which will lead you to distrust that he’s responsible enough to remember his assignments)?  Hard, right?

And you go to that party without him, and meet a guy, and he walks you out to your car (innocently) and someone sees you two walking out and tells your boyfriend about it.  Do you lie and say it didn’t happen, do you just angrily insist nothing more happened, or do you admit the truth, which makes him mad that you would do something with such a bad appearance, and that’s even possibly dangerous?

In both these cases, the answer is to open up completely to the other, and admit your faults.  If you can do that, you will build a deep trust.  Not that you’ll trust he’ll always remember his assignments, or that he’ll trust you’re always putting out the perfect appearance and self-care.  But that you each want the other to know your truth, and are willing to look stupid, careless, irresponsible, all that.

Because that’s when you’ll start to trust each other all the way.

Handsome and I have each made so many mistakes with each other.  But our trust is built on our knowing that the other wants nothing more in life than for the other to be happy and safe.

You can do this, if you both really want to. 

What do you think?  Is he worth the effort?

Best of luck my friend!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend does things deliberately to hurt your feelings

Prince2411 asks:

I made many mistakes in my relationship, I hurt my girl a lot, and I did things I am not proud of, but my intention was never to hurt her. I never crossed any physical limits with any other girl, but over text I said certain things which I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t realize then but now I do. I know how much it hurt my girl, but she is taking revenge on me on purpose, talking to the one person of whom I am so insecure – he affects me mentally and emotionally. I’ve been begging her not to do this to me, not to torture me, but she thinks I don’t know how it feels to her when I do it. She does love me, and I love her a lot, but she’s still doing this. She says she likes talking to him, she’s saying things purposely to hurt me more. She prefers hurting me, rather than blocking him and hurting him. He is a nobody in her life, but I have been with her for almost 6 years.  Please help, I’m getting depressed.

Hi Prince2411 –

There’s an old truism that the opposite of being in love is not hating or anger; it’s feeling nothing.  It’s hard to say there’s good news for you in your letter, but the truth is that your girlfriend a) has not broken up with you, and b) is so affected by your texts with other girls that she’s working really hard to get revenge on you.

In other words, she is showing every sign of being completely committed to you.  And that’s great.

But she’s also getting a kick out of causing you pain.  And that’s not so great!

What you two really need, longer-term, is to work hard to build deep mutual trust.  To the degree that neither of you is all that bothered by the other talking or texting with someone else. 

But shorter-term, you two need to just simply agree to stop knowingly hurting each other.  Now it sounds like you’ve already gotten there, but she feels she needs to do it a little more.  So your job is to let her know that she has succeeded!  That you have learned your lesson, and there is nothing more to gain by doing more of it.  That, instead, her doing more of it will actually push you away (which you realize is what you were doing to her), so that you won’t be hurting anymore.

When I was a puppy, I loved attacking my human friend Handsome and biting him all the time.  He’d yell “Ow!” and get upset, and I found that just fantastic.  But as I grew up, I began to see him as part of me, as my pack leader, and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.  In fact, now, the few times I’ve seen that I’ve hurt him it’s just ripped me up inside.

I want your girlfriend to get to that place, where I am.  You hurt her by not paying attention to her feelings, and that’s bad, but she’s purposely trying to cause you pain.  If it’s just to teach you a lesson, that’s one thing, but if it keeps going, it could become the new normal of your relationship, and that would be awful for both of you!

So I want you to talk with her, to let her know that she’s succeeded in teaching you, and that now you want a relationship where you both work to make the other feel better, and to build trust.  That means that you have to listen and hear her when she says your texting hurts her, and she needs to understand when her talking to that guy hurts you.

THEN you need to figure out how to live with these feelings.  Can she talk with the guy as long as she’s not saying hurtful things?  Can you text other women as long as you’re not flirting?  In other words, can you two become a successful mature couple?

I would rather die than hurt Handsome, and he’d rather die than hurt me.  You two aren’t there yet, but maybe someday you will.  The time to start that journey is now.

And I think you’re closer to it than you know.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should you stay in a relationship with someone who says it can’t last long-term?

Suzyz asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him very much.  We belong to different religions. He sometimes says he will be with be and sometimes says that there will be a lot of problems we could not face and stay strong. He says he would have to separate from his family which he can’t do. He says let’s just be together till time permits and then we will go our separate ways. When I try to reason, he says that this is life and you have to move on. I know I am going to lose him but why is this happening to me?  If he can’t stay with me in the future because of his parents, then why not leave me today? I just don’t have the courage to stop talking to him or end this relationship. We are in the same college and class which only makes the situation worse.  Plz help, I am tired of crying. 

Hi Suzyz –

I’m so sorry! I hate it when my friends cry!

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.  

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things. But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values. Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like whether it’s ever okay to break the law, or about religion in their lives.  

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing it, but religion is about values, and about eternity.

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  You say you’re in college.  Well that’s a good age for casual dating – so if you want to have someone to go to dancing with, then all I care about is that he treats you respectfully. But if you’re thinking about a serious partnership – then my simple answer is No.  You have different religions, and he’s treating you like I treat a chew toy – enjoying it but tearing it to bits and leaving it strewn around the yard.

You. Can. Do. Better!

And so can he.  Better for him to find a woman who fits his religion (who’ll probably then turn his life upside down by being ten times as demanding as you’d ever have been!), while you find a good guy who respects you, works to understand you, and maybe even shares your religious beliefs.

Some questions are hard.  This one’s easy.  For me anyway.

For you, now comes the hard part.  Especially as you’re in classes together.  And it will hurt like blazes, I know – especially as you love him so much.  But once you’ve freed each other, your lives will be so much better! 

Best of luck with it,

Shirelle