Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to keep sane in a long-distance relationship

alizey asks: I am in long distance relationship and I don’t know how to make it work without becoming an emotional fool?

Hi alley –

Okay, I’ll be honest with you – to me a long-distance relationship sounds like pure misery!  When my human friend Handsome leaves town, I’m a wreck.  Even if I’m staying with good friends, or at a place with other dogs, those delights only serve as distractions.  I’m a one-person dog, and being away from that person for a long period is just devastating.

But you’re not a dog; you’re a person.  So, unlike me, you can have really fulfilling communication with another person through telephone or texting or even a picture-phone like FaceTime or Skype.  You don’t depend as much as I do on smell and touch (though people tell me those are sure nice parts of your relationships too!).

It really sounds to me like you’re okay with it, as long as things don’t make you get too emotional.  And my guess is that those come down to two issues: Missing and Continue reading

0 How to get out of having done a secret prank on a friend

azraspahic_ asks – So it’s 2 weeks before April Fools, and I decided to do a harmless prank on my friend of slipping notes in her locker. But she told the principal and then told me. I don’t want to get suspended over a harmless joke! What do I do? I have not told her I was the one who slipped the notes. I printed one out as well and said, “oh see this is the one I got” and she believed it! What should I do?

Hi azraspahic_ –

Ooooh do I relate to this!  My pranks are usually more along the lines of stealing food off a person’s plate, but I know how awful it can feel to get caught, especially when the punishment seems like it’s so much bigger than the little joke you pulled!  (I mean, come on, did that guest really want that steak that badly?!!)

The nice part is that you do have a way out of this, if you want – which is to simply say nothing, and let the issue go away.  If you can feel okay about doing that, it really won’t cause any harm.  It’s true that you lied about getting the note yourself, but it’s a harmless lie, and your friend won’t be any worse off for it.

But, like me, you do have a conscience, so I can understand if you find it hard to just do that.  So there are a few other thoughts that hit me:

One is to Continue reading

0 How to deal with a rude harasser at work.

Reena asks: You know how it is to be a working woman. I am very dedicated to my work. My Bosses are very happy with my work. However, it has definitely harboured some kind of envy and jealousy among other team members in the team. Now I am quite a target and I’ve noticed, people do keep an eye on me. But there’s this one guy at work I’m genuinely fed up with and don’t know how to deal with it. I am a very simple person Shirelle. I come, work, make money and go home. I have very few friends at work and am very happy with them. But there’s this one twisted colleague at work who believes that all the success am achieving is through deceptive means. He has his own perception about me. Basically he has just assumed a lot. I am fed up with his indirect taunts and comments like, “Show me the Real You”. “Remove the mask when talking to me”. “I don’t get scared of anyone”. “She is fake”. The last time an email was sent to me and he started enquiring about that email which was obviously none of his business. I yelled at him because I had taken enough from him. I told him to stay out of my business. I have already sent an email to my Manager but no use. His behavior has worsened. I changed my place and now sit somewhere else and yesterday he came and sat in front of me. All my life I have felt vulnerable because I didn’t have a father growing up (my parents separated) and now I feel very vulnerable at work too.. Please advise.

Hi Reena –

Well, I can’t quite answer yes to that first statement of yours.  I mean, I’m not a working woman – I’m just a dog with a hobby I adore! – but I’ve sure heard a lot about the problems working women go through, including harassment of different sorts from creepy guys.

But I have to be honest with you, this man doesn’t sound like most of them I’ve heard.  Instead, he sounds like someone out of a lot of letters I’ve gotten from young girls, like in elementary or middle school!!  And my guess is usually that the boy who’s bothering the girl, saying rude things to her, crowding her space — LIKES her!  And doesn’t know more appropriate ways of showing it!

And here’s the weird part, then I tell them something like “But don’t worry, he should grow out of this pretty soon, by the time he turns thirteen or fourteen!”  But this guy you’re talking about, I assume, is WAY older than that!

So what in the world…?!

And it’s not fair for me to speak too condescendingly – I was just as bad a puppy as those boys are!  I chewed everything and bit everyone and tore all sorts of stuff up… but at some point around two years old, I did grow out of it!

So what in the world is with this guy?!

I’m actually thinking that my instinct is right (we pooches are good at that), and that this man is attracted to you.  But if he ever had a chance, he’s probably ruining it!

My best advice to you would be to Continue reading

0 How to step-parent in a home with conflict

Johan-dad asks: Hello. I’m married, 2nd marriage, to a beautiful lady I’ll call C. She’s got just as beautiful little girl, M. I’ve been in C and M’s life for the past 3 1/2 years and we’ve been married now for just over 1 year. M, my stepdaughter that I love like my own, is 5 years old. C and M have this love-hate relationship, and I’m saying that because one minute they can love each other to bits and the next they scream and shout at each other like hateful teenagers. My question is not that simple, but I’m going to try and break it down to simplify. M sleeps in our bed as she refuses to sleep in her bed. Mom is saying that she doesn’t want to fight at night getting M to bed so she rather give M what she wants to keep the peace. However, when it’s long past sleeping time, M is still awake and mom is then fighting and screaming at M to sleep. I feel that the fighting and screaming at night is worse than telling the child to go to bed and letting her cry in her bed until she falls asleep, because she will learn to after a while. Unfortunately this is not an option and I’ve been told that I should stay out of their fights and mind my own business. If I do make mention of the fact that I feel it is wrong, then mom goes and sleeps in M’s bed and returns to ours during the night, and the next day all I hear is how bad it is sleeping in M’s bed. Now this is just one example and there is a lot more, but I would like to know what is my right as a step-parent and how do I deal with this. If my wife is unable to discipline, and I’m not talking about giving hidings or verbally abusing the child, how do I intervene and what is my responsibility? I feel that our, my wife and I, relationship is taking a big knock because of the fact that mom either fights with the child like she is her enemy or she gives the child her way to avoid a fight and I am sitting on the sideline seeing how they destroy each other and I can not do anything about it. My wife has even mentioned it that she considered to kill herself because she can’t handle M and life, but still she doesn’t want to allow me in that circle to help her. I don’t know what part of parenting is “allowed” from a stepparent’s perspective, and what should I do as a husband to get my wife to understand that I am not the enemy but can assist her if she allows me. I always try to be calm and not get involved too much, but sometimes I’ll come in the crossfire unwillingly. Please help me to understand my role where two people I love are falling into this pit and it feels like my hands are cut off.

Hi Johan-dad –

There are those who will tell you that you’re in a very common position for a step-parent.  But I’ll tell you, you’re in an even more common place for a DOG!  This is exactly the position we find ourselves in all the time – we love everyone in the home, they’re fighting, and we want to jump in and do something to stop it, but whenever we try, they yell at us and throw us out the back door!

My solution to this is simple: I write this website. After years of being frustrated with no one paying attention to my thoughts on the matter, I’m now able to get people all over the world to listen to me, and it looks like, a lot of the time, I’m able to help.

But that doesn’t change how people treat me when we’re together.  Then I’m still just a dumb old dog, or maybe they see me as vicious because I’m barking at them… and out I get tossed.

And the truth is, in this case of yours, they’re right: this is between them, and you don’t get to have a say in it.

But I’m not suggesting you give up.  I’m just saying you’re too close to them to be the one to take charge.

What this really looks like is a situation where your wife has spent five years mostly doing whatever her daughter wanted, or expressed she needed.  Which is, of course, a lot better than being cruel, abusive, or neglectful.  But it’s created a situation where your stepdaughter has learned to go after what she wants by demanding and crying.  It’s very similar to an untrained puppy who whines all night till someone lets her out of her crate and onto the family bed (where they’d sworn she’d never be allowed).

And what you need is a good Continue reading

0 What to do when you find out you’re the “other woman” (or man)

Sphumelele asks: Remember the family friend I told you about? Well we’ve started and it has been awesome he’s a great guy but what recently broke my heart is that I saw recent pictures of him and his baby mama on Facebook declaring the love they have for each other. Now I don’t know where I stand. He doesn’t know that I’m the baby mama’s friend on Facebook. I asked him if they are still together or not but he dismissed it saying we’ll talk about it when we meet which is still 3 weeks away and it’s slowly breaking me. I want to know how do I go about finding the truth? The thought of him telling her that he loves her kills me slowly and I can’t handle it no more. How do I ask him this without seeming desperate? And also am I allowing guys take advantage of me? Am I the one allowing them to break or play with my heart?? Shirelle please help I’m so confused right now.

Hi Sphumelele –

Your situation is reminding me of a painful time soon after I first came to live with Handsome, my human.  He had fallen in love with a woman who was involved with another man.  At first they were just coworkers and friends, but eventually he and she got involved, as she was saying she wanted to get out of that other relationship.  He did everything he could to help her out, and they’d have a great time when they were together, but then she’d go back out with the other guy and disappear for a while, which just ripped Handsome apart.  (I tried over and over again to get him to realize he could have so much more fun with me than sitting around moping about her, but he was too sad – or stupid – to accept my love in her place).

Eventually she broke things off with him, to stay with the other guy.  And while it ripped Handsome up something awful, eventually he started talking to me about a big question: whose fault this was.  Or rather, who was the villain in this story?

Was it the boyfriend, who had been pretty rotten to the woman in a lot of ways, making her want to look elsewhere?  Was it the woman, for stringing Handsome along when she wasn’t sure she wanted to leave the other guy?  Or was it Handsome, who could be seen to have taken advantage of a tough situation the couple was having?

The answer is Continue reading

0 How to deal with your boyfriend making false accusations at you.

Paballo asks: I’m 21 years old and I have been dating my boyfriend for over 6 years. He is my first and since him I haven’t been involved with anyone. Things we going great for the first years, but as time went by he cheated continuously, and when I asked him why, he would turn the blame onto me. I was patient thinking he would realize how much I love him, but it got worse when he cheated on me with the same girl for the past 2 continuous years. Last year I then decided to break up with him. As hard as it was, I continued to be single for couple of months. Then, during December, I saw him by the club and we ended up having sex, and after then I thought things were working out. He then started to dig into what I was doing during the break up and found nothing. Then one time when we were chatting on social media he asked me if I had a thing for his cousin’s ex, and I tried to tell him that I did not. He continued to stress the fact that I had a thing for him, I felt cornered and I snapped out of anger and admitted something I didn’t do. I feel like he needed closure from our first break up, that that’s why he came back to me, and needed a reason to leave me. It is hard for me to accept and move on more, especially as he made me believe in us when I was already trying to cope. Please help coz this is affecting my college grades.

Hi Paballo –

I am so sorry about this! I wish I could just climb up onto you, put my paws on your knees, stare into your eyes and whine to say “I feel for you!” This is just so painful!

So, first of all, I have to say, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You gave him a chance when you first caught him cheating, but left him when you caught him at it again (and I can’t even imagine what it must have felt like to learn that it had been going on so long). Then you gave yourselves the chance to rekindle the relationship after a while… and then he pulled this nonsense about his cousin’s ex. And now you know you need to move on from him. Absolutely correct.

But you’re wondering why it’s so hard. Well, I have two thoughts.

First, you’re Continue reading

0 How to work out issues between your boyfriend and your parents.

Confused Asks: So, I’m not allowed to date. However, I didn’t listen and I am dating my current boyfriend. My dad said that it’s okay that we like each other, but nothing serious can happen until I’m 17. I’m about to be 15. He makes me happy, and just makes me a better person in general. However, because I’m not allowed to date, I can’t hang out with him alone; we have to hang out with friends. The problem is, I’m not friends with any guys that he knows. We both came from the same middle school, so it was easy to hang out; some of my friends would go, and some of his friends would go. We all knew each other. However, now that we’re in different high schools, things have changed. He doesn’t want to meet up if it’s just my friends and me (because he would be the only guy). And my dad wouldn’t like me to hang out with just him and his friends. The thing that’s so hard about this is that my dad barely knows my boyfriend. I previously went to a catholic school from Kindergarten all the way until 8th grade, but we moved to a different building in the 6th grade. Because of this, my parents aren’t really familiar with any of my friends that I made past the 6th grade. My boyfriend came in 7th grade. I feel like if he had been in the school longer, my parents would be okay with me hanging out with him and his friends. Also, I take school very seriously, and I put it before anything. I’m on the swim team and I’m in a lot of different clubs/programs, so it’s really hard to balance school with family and with him. I haven’t been giving him as much attention as I used to; we barely get to talk now. When we do talk, 70% of the time we’re arguing. Recently, he told me that he doesn’t want to be together anymore because I’m not giving him enough attention. (I used to text him 27/4, but recently my schoolwork and clubs haven’t been giving me enough time to spend all day texting him. We also used to hang out before we went to high school, but now our circles of friends are different. Now we barely hang out, too. I also never get to FaceTime/call him nowadays. So now he feels like I stopped giving him attention.) I told him that I can change and find a way to give him more attention. But the truth is, I’m not sure how. I was going to try to talk to my mom and get her to let my dad let me hang out with him alone, but I highly doubt that would work. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

So I’m seeing one solution to both your problems.  At least a bit of one.  Now maybe this idea is awful, but just in case…

Why not set up a time for your parents and your boyfriend and you to get together?  Why not all four of you hang out?

Your family could have him over for dinner, or the four of you could meet at a restaurant.  This would give your boyfriend a chance to show himself to your parents at his best, give them a chance to see him as a person (and not just as some ghostly figure their wonderful beloved daughter runs off with into the night!), and give you a chance to show your boyfriend how important he is to you!

Maybe this needs to happen more than once.

Then, if it goes well, your dad will have a better sense of this guy.  And if your boyfriend did his job and made a good impression, your dad will likely relax a little about the time you two spend together.

But don’t expect too much!  Handsome loves to tell about his girlfriend from high school, whose Continue reading

0 How to work out social problems at school.

3Valentina3 asks: At school I feel like such an outsider. Or like an extra (like in the movies). I also don’t have the courage to tell my friend G that I don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t know what to do and I’m feeling so upset. I would tell my mom but she wouldn’t understand and she would say something like, “just focus on school – you’re not there to make friends”. But if she understood then it would mean the world to me! How can I tell her what’s going on?

Hi 3Valentina3 –

Really, you’re asking me three questions. They’re all tied up together, but you’re trying to juggle three problems at once. And I relate to your difficulty with this – the best I’ve ever done with juggling is to have a tennis ball in my mouth and throw it up in the air and catch it. Once.

So let’s try to make it easier by splitting it into three parts.

First, you’re feeling like an extra at school. This is COMPLETELY normal. I know it doesn’t look like it, but every kid and teen goes through feeling this. If someone’s popular, they feel like they’re not being seen for who they are, and can’t express themselves. If they’re not popular, they feel unseen at all, and unheard, no matter what they say.  And everyone, at times, feels misunderstood.

I’m not saying this to say it’s not a big deal; it’s gigantic. It’s a horrible feeling, I know. It’s like the way I feel when I’m locked in a cage at the veterinarian’s office – there’s nothing I can do, I feel abandoned by everyone I trusted, and I’m scared to death!

But the good news is just Continue reading

0 How to get a child to be willing to sleep alone.

Linda asks: Hello Shirelle, My questions have to do with my little granddaughter . She will be 4 years old soon and I am concerned about her emotional development. All of her short life she has not slept in her own bed not once. Her father and mother never married and are now separated. She lives with her mother who is a very good mommy. My concern though is that she is not allowed to sleep alone in her own bed in fact her mom never used the crib or even converted it to the youth bed for her. She has no bed of her own at all. She can’t sleep by herself even when she visits her dad who has provided her with her own room and bed. When she visits me overnight she needs to have me right there with her. She has severe separation anxiety regarding her mother but as soon her mom leaves to work or out the door she’s calmed down. I sense something is not right but I am not sure. Is all this just normal?

Hi Linda –

When Handsome first brought me home, he read every book he could find about raising puppies.  And while they had lots of different advice, one thing they all agreed on was that humans shouldn’t let puppies sleep on their beds, as it just creates problems.  But Handsome didn’t follow that rule.  He understood the problems they were concerned about, but he wanted his dog to sleep on his bed; he liked the idea of us cuddling up together at night.

And it’s been great, for both of us.  But the only reason it’s been good is that he never wanted me to stop sleeping there.  If he had, that could have gotten really difficult.

The problem your daughter has created is that, like me, her daughter is used to falling asleep next to an adult human.  And she doesn’t know how to sleep by herself.

As with a dog, this is a problem, but not a giant one.  What needs to happen – someday – is that Continue reading

0 Is it wrong to go out with a boy you just like, when you still have a crush on someone who rejected you?

Sonia asks: Hi just so you know, I have gotten over that boy I asked you about months ago! And also I am not the kind of girl who goes after any guy they see. Anyway back to the subject, basically I have had a crush on a sweet guy for about 4 and a half months and we are pretty close, but someone found out I liked him and told him (I had a HUGE breakdown!) And anyway I have the feeling that he isn’t gonna ever like me since my friends and him were talking and he said he only liked me as a friend and I’m happy with that but for some reason I just always get jealous when he seems more interested in my friend than me. But the strange part is I met my friend’s brother a few weeks back and yesterday I slept over at her house and hanged out with him, he was really cute sweet and reminded me of my old crush, and HE genuinely seemed interested in me and I have the feeling I’m falling for him and I don’t know what to do, try and become closer with my crush or become close with someone who I really like and even seem to have a better chance of liking than my crush will ever have of liking me?

Hi Sonia –

As I read this, it takes me back to my days in the pound, when I had been there longer than was supposed to be allowed (an employee there had been so nice as to hide my information from her boss, to keep me alive longer!).  Every few minutes, people would walk in and look at me, and all the other dogs there.  Some of them looked nice, and some smelled just terrific.  Eventually, one of them asked to take me out of the cage, and played with me a little.  I jumped on him, licked him, chewed on his finger… we had a great time.  And after a bit, he decided to take me home.  Which is where I’ve lived ever since.

Now I want you to try to imagine me, instead of licking him and playing with him, being standoffish.  Saying “I’m not so sure I want this one to take me.  I liked that other one, the one who was here yesterday morning and bought the Labrador.  She was better.”  What would have happened?

I know the answer!  Handsome would have said “Oh, she’s not what I thought she’d be like,” put me back in the cage, and taken another dog home – one who liked him better.  And I would have been taken, within a couple of days, down the hallway, through the door, to the room from which no puppies ever return.

Now your fate isn’t quite as frightening as mine, but to my mind, you’re in the same situation.  A boy you like tons isn’t interested in you, and actually is interested in some other girl.  A boy you like, but maybe not quite as much, is interested in you.  So you’re not sure what to do.

My advice is 100% GO OUT WITH HIM!  See how he treats you.  And if he’s nice, and fun, and treats you well, you’re going to like him more and more!  I promise!

Now if he doesn’t treat you so well, or if he’s a crashing bore, then yes, you may start thinking about Boy #1 again.  But as long as he’s good, I believe you’ll start to feel he’s actually great – very soon!

Best of Luck!  Let me know what happens!

Shirelle