Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 How to deal with an eating disorder

arjai101 asks: I went to a family reunion that was triggering. I finally finally get what people mean by “triggering” in the non-ironic sense of the word. But it wasn’t the family that did it. That was fine. It was the food. I was actually doing pretty fine with everything. But as the reunion wore on, I worried more and more. And then I started eating more, and making myself throw it up. Now, I can’t personally speak for everyone. But, the thing about making yourself throw up is that moment right before you get started and you’re staring down into the toilet is one of the worst parts. No matter how stuffed you feel or how determined you are, you will never want to do it less than in that very moment. When you march off to the bathroom, it seems like the best idea. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s uncomfortable but not that bad. And when you finish, most of the time, you don’t feel all that bad, it varies. Sometimes, you feel shame, sometimes like God, sometimes like I deserve this. Either way, you walk out there head held high, shoulders tilted back, sip your diet coke like nothing ever happened. Just like you taught yourself when you were little, convince people you were untouchable, invincible. Make them love you or make them hate you because they weren’t you. But, I guess I was never really invincible or untouchable from my own doing, which is the ironic thing about it all. Anyhow, this time I was coughing a lot, and I felt every single thing leaving my body in grave detail. Yet, I still just kept jabbing and jabbing down my throat. Cause, I knew I just had to fix it. I just had to fix everything I’d ever done and ever was. The bathroom was empty. But at one point, one of the little cousins roamed in and used the bathroom and God; I felt like such a loser hovered over the toilet clutching my stomach waiting in silence for her to leave. I said to myself, this is the last time. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. And you know what I did, the literal next day? The same exact thing. I can look at a plate and calculate the calories, the grams of protein, the grams of carbs. Tell me your weight, age, height, and activity level. I can probably give you your Basal Metabolic Rate. I can tell you how long it takes for you to deplete glycogen stores. I can tell you what percentage of your calories we’re used up in thermogenesis based on their macronutrient group. I can debate the intuitive eating lifestyle vs. chronic diet culture. Etc etc. etc. I’ve become quite the nutrition and fitness savant. And also, a complete neurotic bore to talk to most of the time. I’m trying to pinpoint why I’ve become so obsessive about it lately. I feel like I’ve really been disappointing everyone in my life on the down low for years. Or that, eventually, I will. Honestly, I don’t know. I just wish I could make it stop. I wish I could it make it all stop. This is going to sound cheesy. But sometimes, I wonder if being loved by someone you didn’t lie to in the slightest way about who you are makes it stop, at least for the briefest of moments. But that’s a dangerous and indefinite way of making it stop, waiting for some girl to “save” you. Nope, I’m just going to have to get together and eat like a normal freaking person. I was doing fine before. And now I know, what triggers it. And I, just have to think ahead and prepare. Addendum: It’s about six days later, and I’m doing great. I think. Think, I finally started getting into a pattern that works for me. And I guess, I’m just excited for the future. To leave it all behind, you know. I really am a blast most other times.

Hi arjai101 –

This is one of the most powerful and meaningful letters I’ve ever received.

And I hate it.

I hate it because it horrifies me.  I hate it because of what you’ve been doing to yourself.  I hate it because of the self-loathing and impossible-perfectionism it shows. 

I hate it because I love and care about you so much, and it’s like reading about someone beating you up – except that the beater is you.

So of course, I like the last paragraph though.  If it’s still true after a few days, I like it even better.  And if it stays true, then we’re great – I got a letter that paints me a picture of a hell I have trouble understanding, and you’re moving on to a free and strong life.

But if it doesn’t stay true?  If you fall into the behavior again?  I’m going to insist – you absolutely HAVE  to

0 How to start liking life when you feel you have no control over it

ApoorvaO asks: I sometimes hate my life, no matter I restrain myself. I never go anywhere outside, my parents never took me to any holidays till now. I’m already 20, but have never been to any holidays. I don’t have friends either. All I do is study all year and take stress, and stay home all vacation and go back to hostel after vacation. It suffocates me, I have explained my parents that I need a break too. I need a getaway. They never understand, though even if they did, they cannot because of the financial crisis. I feel sad and frustrated. But I’m helpless.

Hi ApoorvaO –

Your life does sound awfully frustrating, and I sure agree it needs to change.  But you make an interesting word choice – do you see it?  You say you sometimes hate your life, no matter how “I restrain myself.”

You see, my friend, the only thing that’s wrong with your life is that it’s so RESTRAINED!  You’re like a dog who lives in a safe home with loving humans, gets food and medicine and all that, but stays in a crate all day.  And then thinks you need to restrain yourself further!

Well yeah, I don’t want you to hate your life.  But restraint isn’t going to fix it.

What I want you to do is to

0 Should you date someone of a different religion, knowing they’ll marry another

heyitgurlbaby asks: I’m from India, and I’m a Hindu. My ex-boyfriend is a Muslim. We dated for a while, but we broke up because we have no future due to social customs in India and religious difference. We love each other but there is no chance of marriage and stuff. So I just wanted to ask should we date again for temporary happiness, for JUST now, and not think about the future?

Hi heyitgurlbaby –

         Wow, this is such a difficult situation!  Frankly, I’m surprised you two even felt okay dating with your religious difference, but since you did, it makes me wonder how strict the rules are against you staying together.  Is it really impossible?

         I ask, because my answer completely depends on your answer. 

         If there’s a chance that you two can bridge the difference between your cultures, and find a way to become a couple (maybe one of you converting to the other’s religion?), and so you actually could marry, then I’d say sure, why not date again – you love each other after all!

         But if not, I worry that the “temporary happiness” you describe wouldn’t happen.  That you’d just feel pain every time you enjoyed each other’s company.  Do you know that great old song that says “A taste of honey is worse than none at all?”  I think you’d be getting a full jar of honey every time you met, knowing that soon you’d never get it again, and someone else would!

         So my suggestion is to look very closely at your relationship, and what is possible.  And make your decision – which will be difficult no matter what – based on that.

         And if you decide that you really can’t be together in the long term, then please do me the favor of thanking each other, for having loved each other, and shown each how good a relationship can be.  And please please PLEASE, when the voices of bigotry and prejudice tell each of you that the other’s people are all your awful enemies, speak up against them.  Who knows how much peace your love might engender!

With all my best wishes,

Shirelle

0 How to stop yourself from seeking attention too much

Jhalli asks: How can I stop myself from seeking the attention of everyone in my college?

Hi Jhalli –

I like attention.

Or let me rephrase that – I LOVE attention!

I like being noticed by dogs, by other animals, and especially by people.  I like people to get as excited to see me as I am to see them, I love strangers petting my head, I love anyone saying “What a beautiful dog!”  But what I love most of course is when my special friends, or my most special friend Handsome, give me more attention than I can take!  Overwhelmed with love, I just get so excited I can’t take it!

But I also have experienced the problem of wanting it too much.  Like when Handsome and a friend are having a really intense conversation, and I’m jumping into their laps.  Or when he and a girlfriend are cuddling and smooching and all that stuff and I stick a toy in her lap (what’s the problem?  Clearly she likes saliva, right?).  Or when he’s sleeping and I think a good loud bark is a fine idea!  In each of these cases, my cry-out for attention gets the opposite response from what I wanted – everyone’s peeved at me, and sending me away.

So I’m guessing that’s kind of what’s been happening to you at college.  So what to do about it?

Well the answer isn’t about them.  Everyone else is just themselves, and you can’t change them.  And it’s not that you’re necessarily doing it wrong.  The issue is, like me in those examples, that you’re too needy for the attention.  And that’s because you’re feeling too insecure.

You see, if I am feeling friendly and secure, and I walk up to Handsome while he’s talking with someone, he’ll reach over and give me a pat.  And if I lie down next to him while he’s cuddling with someone, one of them will eventually reach over and give me a hug and a kiss, and even throw a toy for me to chase. 

So what you need, Jhalli, is to learn to

0 What to do when your father is breaking up with your mother

AayuTheLegend asks: My life is going downhill because my parents are falling apart, and my father was at the point of hitting my mother, and no one is supporting her except for us her loving children, and she is saying they will divorce. Please help me.

Hi AayuTheLegend –

I don’t know how old you are, my friend, but your earlier letters show me that you’re clearly not a young child.  I have numerous posts on the AskShirelle site for kids going through this experience, which is one of the most awful things a child, or a dog, can go through. 

Yes I said a dog.  We are so sensitive to the energies in our homes, and are so deeply attached to our humans, that we simply can’t handle it when you guys fight each other; we don’t like it when you’re even angry – it feels like you’re angry at us!  So of course, a child is going to feel the same way.

But you’re not a dog, and you’re not a child.  You’re older, and still devastated by this.  Of course you are!  You still have that child inside you – and children’s brains still have the same core as us pooches’ ones!  This is so upsetting, so frustrating, so crushing. 

And you might also have another element here.  Just as I don’t know your age, I don’t know your religion.  To some people, divorce is just a sad reality; to others it’s an unpardonable sin that might mean one or both of your parents is condemning their soul to damnation! 

Now as a dog, I can’t comment on that one, but I sure understand that it would be terrifying!

So what can you do to help?  Sadly not much more than you are.

Giving your mother your love and support is the best thing you can do.  And your father might need some too, even if you disagree with him.

But there’s one thing you can do, that’s really scary, but might be great.  Are you old enough to remember when

0 What to do when your perfectionism makes you put yourself down

arjai101 asks: Rereading my letter to you made me realize I’m self-absorbed and vain. And, a lot of that whining was coming from a place of just hurt and pain. I guess there’s just been a whole lot of keeping it all inside. I honestly need to get my head screwed back on. Firstly, I’m trying to fix my relationship with food. I’m so tired of obsessing over what I eat and feeling hungry and tired and my workouts sucking. And then I indulge once, and I feel awful, and I go throw up. And, don’t come at me with the, “Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!” Believe me; I know; I know; I know. I know exactly what I’m doing to myself, read all the papers, and all the articles. And most of the time, I think I deserve it. I think I deserve every single second of it. Honestly, ever since I came out to my mom, it’s been downhill from there. Also, I finally stopped texting ex-marathon girl. I get that we’re friends. I know she’s a straight girl with a boyfriend. I’m not dumb and stupid. But, I feel like she has no real regard for me. And, I know I know I can’t blame anyone but myself. She owes me nothing. But, it just hurts so bad knowing I care so much more for her, more than she ever will for me. Then, there’s this guy who became a great friend to me, we’d talk about girls together – he knew exactly who and what I am – and still one night he made a clumsy stupid groping pass at me in his car. And when I pushed it away, he started making dumb excuses not to meet with me anymore. So I don’t know. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. And maybe, I deserve it all. Maybe, I deserve every little thing. Perhaps it’s all my fault. I mean, it really all is. I brought all of this on me. I brought that weird sinister dark look the passes over my mom’s face every time there’s a subtle reminder that I’m gay. I brought getting felt up by that guy. Everything. Everything has my name on it. Lately, I’ve been trying to channel it all into anger. But then, you’re still just reminded how you mean almost nothing to that beautiful girl. How, you were nothing but some conquest to that guy. How another friend I trusted is off living his best life with all of his friends and adventures and better things to do. How, your mom doesn’t want you to tell anyone what you are. And church. And family. And all of my other irrelevant unimportant issues because I’m an entitled brat. And I, I just exist in some vast void of boredom and nothingness hoping to grasp onto some rope and get the hell out, but realizing that maybe everyone must want me to stay in there or maybe they forgot about me, or maybe just learn to shut up and disappear better. And, can I really blame them? All I do is hurt people; I can’t even help it; I don’t even know I’m doing it. But, I know I do. I mean, I must be. I know I just need to wait it out. I’ll be at college, and it’ll be better. That’s what everyone keeps saying. But, what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t shine bright enough or my personality annoys everyone? And, it’s just me, desperate as hell. You know, I was watching this interpretive dance video done by Eugene Lee Yang. And, he goes through all these colors, each one representing a stage in his life. And finally, in the end, he gets to violet. He’s standing there in this stunning ensemble, all just crashing down around him. And, it looks like everyone doesn’t even know what the hell to do with him. But, he’s just standing there despite everything, with this look of determination, like “You can’t tell me a thing anymore.” And you know, I just was thinking…God I hope I get to violet. I really hope there is just light at the end of the tunnel and I make it there alive. You know, it’s not really my nature to fade away. But, I don’t know, these past few months I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Oh arjai101!!!!

Hasn’t anyone told you that it’s animal abuse to break a dog’s heart?!  And you SO break mine!

Nothing you’re telling me about your actual, objective, situations is all that rare.  A crush on a bland beautiful woman who can’t deal with your reality?  Half the guys I know have that same problem, not to mention the interesting ladies like you.  A young man who believes the nonsensical myths out there about how every lesbian is just dying to be “turned” by the right guy with the right moves?  Ridiculous and SO common.  And a mother who can’t accept her daughter being her full self, but won’t reject her either, just asks her to keep it all secret for “the neighbors’ sake?”  TIMELESS!

(Of course, the first two of those apply to us pooches as well!  Handsome’s had girlfriends I wanted SO BADLY to love me and just couldn’t win over; and while I’m not a lesbian, I was spayed early, so share your complete disinterest in males’ sexual desire for me.  If you haven’t read my story about that, go to AskShirelle.com and type in HarrietteS in the search box, and read my story about this fellow at a dog park who makes Albacore look like SUCH a gentleman!  But the situation with your mom – yeah that’s only humans.  And I’m awfully AWFULLY sorry about your having to go through that one)

And I’ll do what you ask and not get on your case about the eating issue.  But there’s another issue I am going to COMPLETEY get on your case about.  And that’s the way you spend this whole letter BEATING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOURSELF!  And you know what I’m going to tell you about it?  You might recognize the words:

“Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!”

Arjai101, I’m going to trust that you’re able to healthily deal with your – yes, stupid – eating issues.  But this letter is SO FULL of self-loathing and blame…

MY FRIEND YOU ARE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!  How would you be if I blamed myself for having been placed in the dog pound?!  You’d say I was crazy, right?  It’s not your fault a beautiful girl is straight (or boring), or that a guy is too horny for his own good, or that your mother is too concerned with social customs. 

Now is it true that you don’t fit in to a lot of situations?  Yeah, and I relate to that a LOT!  You’re ME!  And yes, that’ll be an issue as long as I live.  But I don’t blame myself – I really LIKE the way I am.  And when some people can’t handle that?  Well, that’s a difficulty for everyone concerned.  But I’m not changing who I am, or asking them to change who they are.  We’re all fine, just as we are.

But when you say that you’re lonely? 

Well yes.  I relate fully, and that situation STINKS.  And yes, I’m one more voice saying that I believe that’ll get better at college.  And then it’ll get better and better, the more you’re able to openly be yourself (which maybe you can’t while you’re living with your mom, which isn’t fair at all). 

But what I’m calling STUPID is your perfectionistic view that you’re somehow at fault for this.  That there’s something wrong with you.  THERE’S NOT!

But your letter reminded me of something.   Something I haven’t thought about in a while.  A few years ago, I helped to

0 What to do when a parent stops speaking to you

Naina asks: I just had a fight with my mom and now she is not talking to me what should I do now?

Hi Naina –

Now of course I don’t know you, or her, but I can’t help but guess that this is a very abnormal event in your home.  That her not talking to you is new, or at least rare.

And usually it’s the other way; usually parents are begging for their kids to talk with them, open up, stop being so secretive.  So my sense is that this argument really bothered her.  More than maybe any fight you’ve ever had before. 

I find that, when something like this happens, it’s really a chance for you to learn about the other person.  Something bothered them that badly.  What was it?  Why did this bother them more than other things (that might have seemed like bigger deals to you)?

When I was a puppy, I was a horrible chewer.  I chewed and bit everything around me.  And while Handsome, my human friend, would often get annoyed, it never went beyond that.  Until one day, when he was taking a shower, singing along with one of his favorite albums, a record that he’d had since childhood .  And came out to find the cover in a hundred pieces all over the floor, and me with the rest of it in my mouth.  He flew into a rage, picked me up, opened the back door, and threw me across the back yard!  (Before I even touched the ground, he suddenly felt horrible guilt, and has never totally forgiven himself, even though I came through it fine – landing as well as any cat!). 

So let me tell you, I’m not quite sure why an album cover has more meaning to him than, say, the leg of a table.  But I learned quickly that it does – and have never so much as sniffed another record ever since!

So, like that, something specific happened in this fight, that’s driving your mom nuts.  So your job is to find out what it is.  (Please tell me you didn’t chew up Abbey Road like I did!)

And once you do, or even if you have a good guess, then your (tough) job is to go to your mom and tell her.  “Hey Mom, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I realize it was really hurtful when I told you I’ve always hated your hair,” or “really hurtful when I said you’ve never been a good mother,” or “really hurtful when I said I want to move out.” 

And here’s the funny part.  You might be wrong.  You might think it was about her hair, when all she cared about was you saying you might move. 

But even if you are wrong, your effort will show her that you cared.  That you thought about it.  That you were anything but the thoughtless, inconsiderate, stinker she was feeling you were.  And that instead, you were the angel she’d fallen in love with the moment you were born, but maturing into a caring, trustworthy adult. 

(And it’ll be even better if you’re right!)

So give that a try.  And even if you’re no better a mind-reader than I am, you’re still very likely to win her heart – and her voice – back!

The Very Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone lies about you and your boyfriend or girlfriend believes them

Grv1011 asks: I am in a relationship with my love S. We both love each other and we want to marry, but her family is against me and my family. Let me explain in short but full story: 3 years of relationship; I had a friend in college, she and I were very frank, we even used bad words but just in a friendly way; My girl S read our messages and thought I’d cheated her, but she still loved me and stayed with me; after 2.5 year’s another friend of mine – she likes me and she was also my best friend – said she loved me a lot one day. Then she came to my city and asked me to meet. I was alone at home and refused. She kept requesting, and I accepted and ask her to come near to my home. But when i saw she was waiting outside my home with her elder sister (17) I got scared because my love S’s home is in front of my home. I thought her parents may have seen us and felt negative for me. I called her and asked her to come inside or go away; she came inside, stayed for a couple of minutes, and looked at my home – expect my room! One day I decided not to talk to her because I felt bad that my love may think or feel wrong. Then she called my girlfriend and lied to her that we had sex many times, in my room. But when I asked her about my room (conference call) she wasn’t able to describe it, since she never saw it. But then S believed her, and felt bad about our relationship. She stayed with me, but we fought daily. Then one day S’s cousin and his family told her parents about me and warned them to control S. Now they call her daily, blame her, and say she can’t marry me, because there’s no guarantee I won’t leave her, that they’d die first. So she’s frustrated, arguing with me all the time, and even talking about breaking up, and I’m afraid of losing her. Now please tell me, we both want to marry each other but these daily fights wear me down. Please reply with the solution. I want see her happy as we were.

Hi Grv1011 –

Wow, this is a crazy situation!  And there are lots of other elements here (such as family issues), but biggest of all is definitely the lie this other girl told your girlfriend.

And I can only come up with one solution to that one – you need to get the two of them into the same room at the same time.  NOT YOUR BEDROOM!

And I say that for two reasons – first, because asking them into your bedroom might look like you had something very different in mind!

But secondly, because for some reason, the fact that this girl couldn’t say what your bedroom looks like didn’t get through to your girlfriend.  And you need to make it clear.

Now if you can do this, if you can prove to your girlfriend that it was this other girl who lied and not you, that will help a lot.

But I want you to do something else then, as well.  You see, you were so worried about how things would look that you acted suspiciously.  There’s nothing wrong with meeting up with a friend outdoors in front of your home, so why would you worry so much about it?  If you hadn’t worried, if you’d just let it happen, then this girl might not have gotten in your front door, and it would be easier to prove things!  And even more so, if your girlfriend and her family had seen you calmly talking to this girl, as though nothing was wrong (which is true), maybe they wouldn’t have gotten so suspicious.

So find a way to get that girl and your girlfriend together, to clear this issue up!  And then, try to learn to relax more. 

After all, being innocent ought to feel good, right?!

And then we can start to work on this whole family thing!

All my best,

Shirelle

2 The Great Art of Happying — an easy step to a better life

The Great Art of Happying — an easy step to a better life

            You’re probably aware, I don’t know nearly as much English as I write – I just have this amazing computer program that translates my doggy thoughts into words you can read.  But I do have a pretty good ability to understand a few words – “Sit,” “Stay,” “Heel,” “GetAwayFromThatPlateKnuckleheadThat’sNotYourCheeseSandwich!” – and so on.  But sometimes I can do something kind of wonderful too: I can realize what someone’s saying and that they’re saying it incorrectly.  You know, like when a little child says “My dog’s a gooder dog than Shirelle” (which I don’t particularly like) or “Shirelle is the Bestest Dog in the World!” (which I love!)

            Maybe grammar teachers don’t like hearing that sort of creative word usage, but I do.  There’s something magic in it – like where someone means something so strongly, they need to make up new words to get it across.

So Handsome and I were talking with our friend Suraj.  He was excitedly talking about his upcoming marriage.  He comes from a culture where couples aren’t allowed to have any romantic contact before their wedding, so he’s not only thrilled about spending the rest of his life with this wonderful woman – he’s going nuts anticipating their first kiss! 

(I really have to bow down to their noble self-restraint in this.  I can’t wait more than a few seconds after meeting someone to put a big lick across their face, or at least on their hands if they’re scared of me, and that’s if they’re strangers!  The idea of not covering one of my best friends in smooches is pure impossibility!)

And then he said something that really caught my ear.  “The way I see it, people are really mistaken about marriage,” he explained.  “They think you have to be of the same class, or the same race, or even the same religion.  But you don’t.  What matters is that you know how to Happy each other.  And if you can Happy the other person, and the other person can Happy you, and you both like Happying each other, then it’s going to work forever.  It just has to.”

I glanced up at Handsome to see if he was going to correct Suraj’s wording, but instantly knew he wasn’t – the enchanted smile on his face was the same I’d have made if my lips worked that way.  Yes, Suraj was right – righter than he would have been with the right words.  And not just about marriage.

We dogs have fewer opportunities for pleasure than you humans do.  We don’t enjoy books, movies, fashions, spectator sports, driving, arguing politics, video games, or even color.  We get our joys from smells, eating, playing, barking at strangers, hunting, and eating.  Oh, and did I mention eating?

And of course both us species get great joy from being with those we love, and being held, scratched, petted, kissed, and all that, by them. 

But we also both get pleasures, and perhaps our greatest pleasures, by Happying others.  Especially those we love.  What’s better, getting hugged by Handsome when he gets home, or jumping all over him and sniffing and licking and nibbling on him?  (If you don’t know the answer, then you don’t know the frustration of trying to hold on to an excited dog – even if it’s a little mini-Maltese, you’re going to lose the battle!)  And what’s better, hearing a funny joke from your grandmother, or telling her a joke and seeing her break up in laughter? 

Handsome wrote about this in his book about me, talking about a time when he was very depressed and took me to a beach, where I started chasing birds I couldn’t hope to catch: “There comes that point, where the connection between individuals becomes so intense that one literally has a physical reaction to what the other experiences.  So while half the time I was ruminating about my lost life, the other half I was feeling the same release Shirelle was.  Or maybe better than hers.  That’s the best kind of love, where the adored is as happy as possible, but I’m happier at her happiness than she is, which is also far deeper than my happiness for myself can ever be.”

Yeah, blah blah blah, I know he gets wordy, but you get the idea – your joy at someone else’s joy is bigger than their joy.   In fact, it’s so big, it’s biggerer than even that!

So here’s my suggestion, for all of us. Think of your plans for tomorrow.  Hopefully you have some plans for things you just simply like – playing a favorite game, eating something good, meeting up with someone whose face you like.  And probably you plan some things you should do but don’t necessarily enjoy – homework, brushing your teeth, going to school or your job, paying bills.  And I hope you get to sleep (one of the biggest pleasures I forgot to list before)! 

But what about the rest of the hours you have?  Is there a way to Happy someone?  Wouldn’t it feel great to send someone an email to say you appreciate them?  To smile at a stranger who’s not as lucky as you?  To go visit that laughing grandmother and give her a hug?  To invite a lonely friend over for dinner?  Or, my favorite, to save just a little bit of your lunch and give it to a favorite pooch?

I’m not saying to skip out on your own pleasure.  But I promise you, Handsome gets more pleasure by giving me that little bit of pizza than he’d get from eating it (Though you can always remind him of this!  Please!  Anytime!  Because sometimes he’s dopey and forgets!). 

You’ve loved Happying others since the first time you realized that the smile you made when you burped made your parents and caregivers gush with joy.  All I’m suggesting is that you make it a bit more conscious.

When you go to pick up your girlfriend to take her to that boring chickflick she’s insisting on, bring her a flower you found in a park.  When you write your boyfriend to see how his studying is going for that big exam, add “You’re so cute I can’t stand it!” to your text.   And when someone you love is going through a tough time and needs space to figure their life out, respect it, but send them a kiss goodnight, with a wish they’re finding what they need.

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend through terrible times

Snowball18 asks: My boyfriend just lost his sister 2 months back, and his grandfather is in a serious condition. Right now he just found out he failed his last semester exams, and today, his birthday, he gets to know his parents are probably getting divorced because his mother is still in shock over her daughter’s death and is not behaving normally. He even had suicidal thoughts a day back. I want to support him as much as I can but my parents don’t want me to see him, thinking I am still small (I am 18) and we are in a long distance. I can’t figure out how to help him but I just want him to know I am there for him.

Hi Snowball18 –

Wow that’s just awful!  The poor guy – this is TOO MUCH!

This is as tough as his life will probably ever get – all these hurts and losses and disasters at once.  And so yes, I think you’re right that he needs your help.

But I agree with your parents about something in this, something very important.  They say that you’re “small.”  And they’re right.

I don’t mean that you’re too young, or that you’re not tall enough, to help him out.  What I mean is that NO ONE can give him what he needs.  No one is “big” enough.

What he needs is for his sister to come back to life.  And his grandfather to heal to full health.  And for his grades to suddenly be much better.  And for his mother to feel better (though she probably would if her daughter suddenly came back) and for that to make their marriage better.  And all this would hopefully be enough to take away those awful thoughts of him killing himself.

But you can’t do any of those.  And neither can I.  No human or dog can.  If he has a faith or religion, this is a time he could really lean on that – not necessarily to pray for a total miracle (like his sister resurrecting), but just for things to be okay (like believing his sister’s at peace in a good place).  But even that involves believing in something bigger than us.

But you, small as you are, can do something.  And something very BIG.  Maybe the biggest thing any human can ever do.

Which is