Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 Should I date someone who admits cheating before

YJaan asks: Hi! I’m 16 and I’ve a boyfriend (soon 18 years old) in the same school as mine. At first we were just friends. When we started dating each other, he told me everything about his past, ex-girlfriends (including that he used to cheat on most of them), etc. As time passed (one month) he told me that he’s really in love with me (so am I with him, and we also talk about our future together, like when we’ll marry). Now we’ve been together 10 weeks, but still that question comes into my mind: ‘Is he cheating on me??’ Now he also told me that he’s the type of guy who is very jovial and cheerful with girls. I don’t like that behavior of his but I think I’m getting to be used to it! My heart tells me ‘no, he’s not cheating me, he really loves me’ but my mind examines the question and says ‘yes he is indeed in love with me but I should not dare forget that he can cheat me like he used to do with some of the others!’ What should I do, because I actually really love him?

Hi YJaan –

There are a lot of questions posted on this site about people being afraid of being cheated on, and I recommend you check those out.  (Just put “cheat” in the Search box and a bunch should show up; for more, put in “trust”).

But you bring up some other issues I’d love to address.

First, you are 16 years old.  And you’ve been dating this guy for 10 weeks.  You are in no position to make ANY major decision about your life with this fellow.  This is the time to enjoy each other’s company, get to know each other, go out and do fun things together, and not do ANYTHING that’s going to affect your future.  I know it feels like he’s The One, and maybe he is, but you aren’t going to know that for a very long time.  Here’s my thought: on your 21^st birthday, if you’re still together and he hasn’t cheated on you at all, you have every reason to Continue reading

0 How to live with a snappy relative

amber95 asks: Hi Shirelle. I’m having family troubles at the moment with divorced parents, but my older brother of 19 is very moody and is always snappy with me. At the moment we are living separately but he will soon be moving in with me. What should I do about his behavior? Any advice?

Hi amber95 –

There is nothing more Boorrrrrrrrrrrring than living with someone snappy!  It just wears the other person down.  I know what it’s like when Handsome goes through rough times, and that gets me down.  But sometimes he’s had me have a “play date” with a dog who hates playing, and that just bites!  (And sometimes, so does the dog!)

So I’m with you.  Something needs to be done.  Now one thing I’m not sure of – will you two be living with one of your parents, or will it just be the two of you?  Either way, your job is to create some Continue reading

0 What are some good techniques for a young person to handle stress?

juicy asks: Growing up isn’t easy. Most of the time I got headaches easily by stress… When I was young I didn’t really understand any family problems, or myself, or love. Sometimes I wanted to just run away. I want to know what to do when I get stressed out.

Hi Juicy –

You are so right, growing up is never easy!  If it were, I’d be spending my days chewing bones and sunbathing, because no one would be writing me questions at all!

Now… If I’m understanding your question correctly, you’re saying that you’ve always had stress issues, and now you’re wondering what to do about them.  Here are some suggestions:

1)    Breathe.  I know, it sounds silly, but most humans hold their breath when they get stressed out!  Whenever you feel the stress building, just sit down and take at least five slow deep breaths.  Ten if you can.  It won’t change what’s happening outside, but it will

literally help your body handle the stress much better.

2)    Regularly exercise.  Every day is best, but at least a few times a week.  Our bodies hold onto the stress that we can’t resolve, and it helps a lot to let them burn it out!  Plus, exercise encourages you to Breathe!

3)    Meditate, Pray, whatever you like.  But take some time every day to sit with your eyes closed and just center.  Feel any stress in your body and concentrate on relaxing it.  And of course, while you’re doing this, as deeply as possible…  yes, Breathe!

4)    As much as possible, get rid of jerks!  One reason lots of people feel so much stress is that their lives are full of really difficult, self-centered, unhelpful people.  If your boss or teacher is really tough on you all day, and then you tell a friend about it and that friend doesn’t listen, or insults you for it… that’s not a great friend!  Try to bring more positive and supportive people into your life.  Your stress level will reduce soon.

5)    Although they might seem to help at first, things like tobacco, alcohol, illegal drugs, and even caffeine actually increase stress.  Never count on them to help.  Far better to drink lots of water and make sure you get a good night’s sleep every night.

6)    On that count, eat a healthy diet.  Just like exercise and sleep, it will help your body relax more, and you’ll like what you see in the mirror more too!

7)    Find someone good to talk to about your stress.  Friends are great, but if you need more, a therapist or counselor is going to be very helpful.

8)    And oh you knew this was coming…  if you can, Juicy… get, or at least play with, a dog!  We are so good at stress-reduction!  We’ll remind you all the time of what really matters (love, protection, play), and what doesn’t (who said what about whom and who likes or doesn’t like who and all that!).  All the above are great things, but there’s nothing like a loyal trustworthy love, lightly snoring by your feet, to reduce stress always!  (you see, we pooches never forgot how to breathe!)

Good Luck, and feel better!

Shirelle

Continue reading

0 How to get a parent to accept their daughter getting back with a boyfriend who’s messed up

Hounddogblues asks: Long story: My dad died of cancer when I was 12, after a 3 year struggle, leaving just me and Mum. Mum has also had cancer since, and is in remission, and I had a long stint in hospital and a year out of Uni due to a kidney problem. That being said, this drama has brought me and Mum very close together. Whilst in my last year of Uni, I met my boyfriend, who is 7 years my senior. Mum didn’t really approve from day one (but no boy is ever good enough). I finally told her we were together, but within a week he had a breakdown and we argued. He left me with a mark on my neck after throwing my belongings (clothes) at me to pack and leave. I ran and made a fuss to my mum. A month later, he apologized and said he was seeking help through his Job in the army. I accepted that it was a breakdown and that he has totally changed. I’ve been back with him for 4 months, and he is perfect, better than ever. We want to get serious, but due to financial reasons I have had to move home. Mum does not know about our relationship, and I am scared to lose her or him. But if I don’t do something soon, I feel I’ll go mad myself. How do I break this to my mum without losing either of them? Getting help isn’t really an option as my mum refuses to see psychologists (I tried when she was grieving for dad). My boyfriend intends to speak to her alone and apologize, but she is stubborn and I know she won’t accept his apology.

Wow, this is a lot!  Living through all that would even give this hound dog the blues, Hounddogblues!

I guess the first thing to say is that I really respect your boyfriend for seeking and getting help.  So many people are torn between guilt, pride, and shame, and refuse to do that.  But I do hope you’ve been able to give him a sort of ultimatum too, along the lines of “I love you and am so glad you’re back, but if you do that again I’ll leave you that second.”  Your safety is my first concern.

But assuming that things are as good as you’re saying, then yes, you and your mother have some work to do.

You know, I love that you mention that, in her eyes, no man is ever good enough for Continue reading

0 When family members aren’t speaking

Erika asks: My sister had a big misunderstanding with her daughter (who is suffering from anxiety disorder). It has been two whole weeks that they haven’t talked to each other. My sister thinks that my niece has to make the first move, as she is younger, but it seems that my niece has no plans of doing so, as she is still hurting. What should my sister do, especially since her daughter’s birthday is fast approaching? Should she make the first move or not?

Hi Erika –

What a good sister and aunt you are, to take this on.  They’re lucky to have you.

I have a bit of a problem in not knowing how old your niece is.  I’d see different issues if she was eight, eighteen, or twenty-eight.

But not knowing, I can still speak on a few issues.  Firstly, your sister might be working to train her anxious daughter to face her fears and difficulties.  And if so, it’ll help if you support her in this.  But that support might include telling her if you think she’s doing part of it the wrong Continue reading

5 Why is a baby’s birth considered a miracle?

Angelbrat asks: Why is the birth of a baby considered as a miracle?

Hi Angelbrat –

That’s a lovely question.  What I especially like about it is that it gets me a chance to expound on something I think is really important.  Which is Miracles.

You see, when you really think about it, all a Miracle is just something that you didn’t really think was possible before.  Miracles happen every day – but once they happen, they’re not seen as Continue reading

1 How to live knowing you’re attracted to the same sex.

uf18 asks: It’s an honor to write to you. I am a 14-year-old boy. Since childhood I always had sexual attraction toward males. I can’t decide what to do? Be straight or gay? Please help me. I am begging you. I wrote to a lot of advice columnists, but no one answered. So I hope you will be kind enough to answer my question. Thank you.

Hi uf18 –

Thank you for writing this extremely important question.  I’m sorry for the tough time you’re going through, and really respect you for reaching out to ask this.

Until pretty recently, no one really knew what determined anyone’s sexual orientation (a big word for what sort of people you’re attracted to).  But in the last decade or so, scientists have found that there’s a part of the brain that is different in size for people who are attracted to their own or the opposite sex.  It’s called the hypothalamus.  What’s so important about this discovery is that it makes it clear that attraction is not a Continue reading

0 How to help a child or teen with trouble concentrating

ethan 23 asks: Our son is ambidextrous, with possible dyslexia, and has real trouble concentrating, I am looking for methods to help him build up his concentration levels at school and in sports.

Hi ethan 23 –

I’m not sure what you’re saying about your son being ambidextrous – that just means he can use both hands equally well, and that’s a great thing (especially to someone like me, who doesn’t have any hands at all!).

But the trouble concentrating is, of course, a real problem.  Now I also have lots of trouble concentrating.  But that’s kind of normal for a dog (Have you seen the movie “Up”?  That dog in that movie is a great depiction of the unfocusedness that all dogs have, at least while they’re still young.).  And so, when I went to Training Class, the teacher did a great job of working with the lack of concentration in all of us.  He had our humans do two things.  Firstly, to carry a can with some rocks or coins in it, so when the dog isn’t focused on you, you can shake it.  It’s far kinder than hitting or scolding the dog, and focuses us just great.  Then secondly, they’d carry a bag of meaty treats in their pockets.  You wouldn’t believe what that does for a puppy’s focus!

And with your son, I’d really suggest trying to do the Continue reading

0 How to get a teenager to open up and be a parent’s best friend

Erika asks: How do I encourage my 13-year-old son to open up to me and consider me as his best friend?

Hi Erika –

What a great question this is!  I assumed I’d already answered it on this website, and I haven’t!  So thanks!

Okay, your question has two parts, and I need to deal with them separately.  First, how can you get your son to open up to you.

What I don’t know is whether he used to open up to you or not.  It’s very normal for kids around 13 years of age to stop being as open with their parents as they used to be.  There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just the normal development of teenagers as they start pulling away from their parental ties, building stronger ties with peers, and putting more effort into self-definition.  In fact, it’s overall a good thing that a kid of that age isn’t too open with his parents.  But of course, you do want him to feel able to talk about anything he wants to discuss with you.

The best way to achieve that is to change the way you Continue reading

0 How can children increase family ties

Emy asks: How can children help keep family ties closer?

Hi Emy –

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you are asking how children can keep their families more connected, or how they can stay more connected to their own families.

If it’s the first, it’s certainly something kids dream of doing a lot.  The popular movie “The Parent Trap” (either version of it) is a very fun version of this fantasy, where two twin girls conspire to get their divorced parents to remarry.  Of course the truth is that just by Continue reading