Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 Why do older children wet their bed?

miles asks: My biggest secret is I still wet my bed and I have to wear pull ups to bed. I don’t want to but I have to. Why do I still wet the bed? I worry people will find out. I never told anyone my secret before.

Hi miles –

I don’t know if there’s another issue that causes so much shame in humans as inability to control their bladder or bowels.  I suppose it’s because parents put such importance on it in child-raising.  There’s really no reason why it should be any more embarrassing than a runny nose or an uncontrollable cough, or tripping and falling down – these are all areas where one fails at what they’re trying to control – but it is.

I don’t know your age, miles, but I’m going to assume you’re over six.  If you were younger than that, I’d say not to worry too much.  But if you are, there really are two things to do, and they come in a very clear order.

First, you should Continue reading

0 How to get better at talking to strangers – and crushes.

arjai101 asks: Dear Shirelle, I feel like I’m delusional. I constantly seem to be coming up with arbitrary and false reasonings for claims I hope to be true. Particularly, this is true if I like someone. Or, If I hope they like me. Most of the time, I would never date the person. But, no one has ever liked me before or expressed any feelings for me outside of the delusions in my head. I feel like I make up things that have never happened or turn small things into things that are bigger. When in reality, it is impossible. I don’t know how to stop. Or, maybe I can’t stop because it’s easier to accept a bunch of self-constructed lies. It’s a little hard when everyone around you seems to have experienced some kind of romantic occurrence except you. Before, It kind of fit in with the whole awkward adolescent vibe. At this point, it is actually embarrassing. In addition to this, one of my delusions might be true or just another way of rationalizing it all. I feel like maybe I’m intimidating. Maybe, people are scared of me or I have RBF(Resting B—- Face). It’s not like I’m some broody loner in the corner. I’m extroverted. I love being around people. But if I like someone or if I’m hallucinating that they like me, I have this way of ignoring people. Not blatantly, I may have never uttered a word to them before. It’s kind of an instinct, to pretend like there not there. (Not look at them, acknowledge them etc.) I would talk to them. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation. For example, there is one person, who I never really talked to just because I guess I found them intimidating. And now, I would love to talk to them but it would seem so weird if I did because social dynamics are so set in stone at this point. I’ve had opportunities for small talk but I can hardly make a good impression as I lose words. It’s particularly those times I do the whole instinctual ignoring thing. Maybe they’re just as intimidated by me as I am by them? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or, how to stop doing the things that are screwing everything up? Or, am I just crazy? Anyway it goes, I need advice.

Hi arjai101 –

As a dog, I don’t think or talk much about the subconscious.  Sure, I like to dream, and Handsome tells me I’m just ridiculously cute when I dream I’m chasing a lion or fighting a polar bear, and my feet run and my mouth twitches, sometimes even barking myself awake.

But there’s the other kind of subconscious.  The part that, with full reasoning, controls our actions without our knowing about it.  One of the main ways it works is with fear.  I’ll see a dog who reminds me of one that beat me up as a puppy, and I’ll be submissive on my back in under a second – I’m not consciously thinking it’s that dog, but my subconscious takes over and makes this happen.

I think that’s what’s going on with you.  Let’s be honest – other people can be scary.  And even more so when you’re attracted to them.  They aren’t aware of it, but they hold such enormous power over you at that time.

And if, as you say, you’ve never known someone to have strong feelings for you (ARE THEY CRAZY?!  YOU’RE AMAZING!), then you have no reason not to expect a new person to feel just the same.  Which, if they expressed it, would make you feel hurt.  Of course.

So, as a human, you don’t fall on the ground with your tummy exposed, the way I do.  Instead, you withdraw.  Shut down.  Almost like a deer or rabbit, the way they go still when they see me around.  And not only do you physically shut down, but your brain goes numb too, and you can’t think of anything to say.

This is totally normal.  Though, as you say, it sure doesn’t help get relationships going.

So in terms of what to do about it, I’m going to recommend something completely ridiculous.  I want you to Continue reading

0 How to give enough time to your oldest child.

Jordan asks: I’ve recently had my 3rd baby girl and it’s gotten a lot harder to spread my love and attention evenly. I feel I’m failing especially with my oldest. Since then, her dad has not picked her up once. She’s not taking it as hard as I thought, she loves her step dad and her sisters so much. But her sisters are both under 2 and they take every ounce of time and energy I have. I find it so hard to keep the house clean, have 3 meals prepared, and bathe everyone every night by the time everything is done, it’s bed time and I realize I haven’t worked on my oldest daughter school work or read her a story or even played with her. I think about this all the time. The only time I get to spend with her is on the weekends when her sisters go to bed and she stays up late with me. It’s not enough, I’m not doing enough for her and it breaks my heart every day. Not that long ago it was just the two of us for 4 years.

Hi Jordan –

I do apologize for it taking me eight days to get back to you, but I’m sure glad things have improved in my system and it’s not eight months! I’ve had to write nearly 200 people in the last couple of weeks, which adds new meaning to the old term “dog-tired.”

And ironically, that apology is the same one you’re giving to your daughter. I don’t care about you any less than anyone else in my pack, but I had to treat those other letters as more urgent, because they had come first.

The difference is that I only need to apologize to you once about it, while you will likely be apologizing to your daughter a lot.

Oh and there’s another difference: you’re an adult, and I have every reason to believe you’ll fully understand the position I’m in. Whereas your daughter might get a lot more resentful.

And there’s no villain in this story. You’re a loving and caring mom, and she’s just being a kid. (Or one could argue that her dad is the bad guy, as he’s not spending the time with her he should. But she’ll reach a point in her life where she’ll let him know how she feels about that, and make him pay in guilt, I’m sure!)

Of course, there’s no perfect solution to this situation. You can’t be there for her 100% of the time, and she can’t replace what she’d get from you completely either.

There are two things she likely wants deep-down. And they’re opposites. One is to be completely special, have you treat her in a way that’s like no one else. The other is to get equal treatment, exactly the same amount of attention as her sisters. Both of these are, again, impossible to achieve. But what we can do is to try to feed both of these needs in certain ways.

First, I really suggest arranging a regular date with her. Just as I’d suggest you and her stepfather plan a couple’s night out every week or two, it would be great for you and she to have a regular day together. Maybe you two go to a movie, maybe just a restaurant. But it’s a set of regularly scheduled hours when the other girls stay home with their dad or a sitter. Today, this will be good because it will make her feel special and get your attention. But in a few years, this will matter enormously more, as it will give you time for “girl talk,” when you’ll be able to talk about her life in a special way that many parents never get, when she will likely be able to talk openly with you about things like mean girls, cute boys, and what substances kids at school are using. Exactly what parents most want to know about!

Secondly, there’s a quality in you humans that seems to go back throughout history, where first-borns take on leadership roles in their families. Lots of the great family therapists (Alfred Adler, Murray Bowen, for example) have written lots about this. The fact that she’s being so mature and responsible is wonderful – and pretty normal. You can build on this. Giving her ways to be a big sister to those two little brats can do wonders for her self-esteem. When she’s old enough, sure, have her babysit for them (when you and their dad have those fun romantic nights out!), but there are lots of other jobs that can even be better. Like what if she’s their tutor in their schoolwork? What if she’s the one who’s in charge of everyone getting their chores done? Each of these jobs makes her feel special, and closer to you and her adored stepfather – which is what she, I’m sure, wants most.

Of course, this won’t be enough. There will be times when she really resents the girls, and your not being there enough. But this is human nature.

(And not just human – I can become enormously jealous when I see Handsome, my human, playing with or petting another dog, and I treat him really coldly when he hasn’t been paying enough attention to me.   And I don’t feel one bit guilty about it either!)

What will matter in the long run is that doing these things show her that you really care about her. She might not fully see it now, and she almost certainly won’t appreciate it when she’s fifteen, but later, she’ll remember, and it will help define the relationship you two have for the rest of your lives.

A relationship that might be as good, and trusting, and open, and loving as my relationship with Handsome. And there is nothing better than that!
Thanks for being a great, caring mom!

Shirelle

ps: Oh, and while her dad is being so absent, what would also be great is if Mr. Stepfather could also, occasionally, have some alone time with her, or if she could get some time with the two of you. All of these will really help her feel special. Maybe not as special as she really is, but close!

0 What to do if you feel guilty about naked online pictures

Zelmari asks: So, one of my friends went on Omegle because she saw it on a YouTube Video. She chatted with lots of people, and played Omegle games. She got naked. She didn’t show her face but she feels guilty and she feels like she is going to hell, because she is a heavy Christian. She feels dirty and like a slut. I don’t know how to help her…

Hi Zelmari –

Thank you for writing me – months ago!  I can’t stand the fact that you trusted me, I was eager to help, but this stupid computer bug messed everything up!

I don’t know if there’s a way for your friend to get her footage removed from any sites, but she certainly can try.

But when it comes to her religious fears, I think she just needs to talk about them with someone in her church – a priest or minister.  She doesn’t need to fear their judgment.   They hear worse things than this every day, I promise you!

The important part here is that she learns her lesson – the internet is a wonderful thing, but it can be used in awful ways, and it’s really vital for everyone to understand this and protect themselves.  I assume she’ll be a lot more careful in the future, and that’s a good thing.

But I do feel horribly for her, for all the shame she must feel about this.  It’s unfair, and awful.

You’re a very good friend to try to help.  Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why Educational Toys Are Important For Kids?

Akhil003 asks: Why Educational Toys Are Important For Kids?

Hi Akhil003 –

Hmmm… Why are educational toys important for kids?   I’d say it’s the same reason educational toys are important for dogs.

What?  You don’t know about educational toys for dogs?  How about every squeaky toy you’ve ever seen, which teach dogs not to bite people’s ankles instead?  What about rope toys, which teach dogs to strengthen our mouths and compete in fun ways?

Dogs learn through playing.  And so do children.  That’s why kids are programmed to play – because it’s the best way for them to learn.  They learn social skills on playgrounds, they learn fairness in sports, and they learn an infinite number of things with toys.

An adult will learn a lot from reading – as you’re doing right here.  But children, even once they learn to read, usually learn best through activity.

So kids will learn from pretty much every toy they play with.  And why not, then, have some of those toys actually be intended to teach them worthwhile things (as well as a toy’s most important job – to be fun!)?

Thanks!
Shirelle

0 How to treat depression without medication

bubbles7 asks: I’m 14 years old, and I think I have depression. I’ve felt depressed since I was about 8. My parents have no idea of the way I have been feeling. They think that nothing is wrong with me. Recently, (about two months ago), I went to the doctor’s for a check-up, and they made me take a depression test. When the results came back, they said I scored really high and that I should talk to a professional about it. They had scheduled for the person to call my parents so we could make the appointment, but we missed the call. Because my parents don’t think anything is wrong with me, they never called back. Now I feel as if I’m getting worse, but I’m too scared to bring the topic of calling back the people to make the appointment up. I think it’s been two months, so I’m not even sure if my parents still have the number for the person that called. Also, I’m scared to admit to my parents that I’m depressed, because I’m scared that they won’t believe me, or that they’ll be mad at me. What should I do?

Hi bubbles7 –

Your parents do take you to a doctor, so they care about your health. But for some reason, they’re avoiding dealing with the idea of you being depressed. I’m just guessing, but there’s a good chance they don’t want a psychiatrist to give you antidepressant medication. Lots of parents worry about this, as they don’t want their kids overmedicated.

One solution to this would be to ask them if you can see a therapist. Not someone who prescribes medicine, but just someone who knows about depression and can help it through talking and making suggestions. Therapists are much less expensive than psychiatrists, and won’t get you on any drugs.

Now it’s possible that a therapist could agree with that doctor, and recommend to your parents that you look into some medication. But even if they say no, a good therapist can help reduce depression a lot.

If your school has a therapist or counselor, that’s great. But if not, they’re usually not too hard to find. If you guys don’t know where to look, just drop me a note and let me know what city or town you live in (I promise I won’t make it public), and I’ll see if I can help you find someone there.

Hoping for Happiness,

Shirelle

0 How to get people to give you more alone time

southpole4 asks: For my past well life I have gone through so many terrible things, I was bullied, skinny, weak, and someone I loved passed away last year. It has been really hard. I enjoy being alone and having my own privacy, my brother doesn’t understand that (he’s my twin) he enjoys being with someone at all time, and ya, sometimes we need company but I like to just be alone. Also my parents don’t understand that connecting with my friends is through social media, they have me logged in into their iPad and whenever my friends say a bad word on a group chat my parents say that they’re going to take away my phone….. I just want my own space to think and be who I am. I don’t know what to do any more.

Hi southpole4 –

I hope things have improved since you wrote me, but I know that your general question, about needing space and time to be alone, is one that goes on and on.

I really can’t explain to you why other people have such trouble understanding this. Now I’ve been guilty of it myself – especially as a puppy, I liked jumping on everyone and trying to play with them, with no awareness that sometimes they just wanted to be let be. But as I’ve grown older, I often feel that way myself. You’ve probably heard the old line “Let sleeping dogs lie.” That’s because people always want to come wake us up or pet us or play with us or whatever. And honestly, a lot of the time, I’m happy to wake up to a friend. But other times, I’m just happy dreaming about chasing dinosaurs, and want to remain that way.

It’s got to be especially tough when you have a twin who loves socializing as much as you love solitude. I’m sure it makes it even harder to convince people that nothing’s wrong with you when you go into your room and shut the door.

The best you can do, I’m afraid, is to Continue reading

0 How to tell your parents you have an eating disorder

AG.Softball asks: So I’m now in 8th grade and I don’t know how to tell my parents I had an eating disorder and I’m scared it may start back. It started in 6th grade and continued until 7th grade. I was very unhappy about myself because I have hips and I don’t have a thigh gap (I still am very insecure) I was finally able to stop because I started feeling sick, having panic attacks and always having chest pains. It took me the whole summer of 2016. I hate my birthday because it’s always about my sisters or my parents fight EVERY YEAR. This year I’m already starting to have panic attacks again and I’m scared I might start not eating again or start throwing up any food that I eat. My parents say I’m the perfect child that they can always depend on and never have to worry about me. I don’t want to disappoint them. How do I tell my parents or get help? Thanks!

Hi AG.Softball –

As you clearly know, eating disorders are a huge issue with young people today. They can cause misery, illness, and even lifelong health problems or death. I’m very happy you’re asking about this, and not keeping it a total secret.

One of the most common traits of people with eating disorders is a sense of perfectionism. That you need to live up to an idealized view that some people have of you.

So let me talk to you about me. I bark loudly and annoy neighbors. I shed everywhere. I poop in public. Sometimes I throw up on my human’s bedsheets. I jump on people who don’t like dogs.

Does that sound like I’m perfect? No? Well I can tell you, my human Handsome thinks I am! He says so every day.

You see, he thinks I’m perfect because I’m Continue reading

0 How to help someone lose weight without upsetting them

MattTheBull asks: I have been with my lady for over 5 years now. I love her more than anything but I have lost attraction to her almost completely. She doesn’t make an effort in looking nice anymore, and has gained about 80-90lbs and does not make enough effort to lose it or stop gaining weight. I have sat down and spoken to her many times about it now but it is not hitting home. I’m in good shape and exercise a lot, I try to encourage her to join me but it’s not working. She would rather lay on the sofa and do nothing or if she does join in its only for 10 minutes and then she gives in. We also have a 4 year old daughter and I don’t want her being a bad influence to her. My lady now weighs in at about 230lbs. Please help me, I’m at wits end now.

Hi MattTheBull –

This is a really tough situation, and one that requires the kind of delicate footsteps I see in the squirrels running away from me over the tops of chainlink fences. One wrong step, and all your efforts collapse.

Your lady sounds to me like she’s suffering Depression. And she’s likely feeling depressed for three reasons: First, she’s exhausted (as any parent of a four-year-old tends to be). Second, she can feel that she’s not attractive to you anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. And third, because she has gained all that weight!

Now it’s very easy for you or me to say “Well here’s how to cheer yourself up – get out and get some exercise, eat better, lose that weight, and watch your man go as crazy for the sight of you as he was before!” After all, the reason I’ve never had a weight problem is because there’s nothing I enjoy more than running around in nature, burning off every bit of energy I can. (Okay, there is another reason, that Handsome feeds me healthy food and keeps it limited, but I don’t like him to be reminded that that does any good, in my hopes that he starts giving me three pizzas a day instead!)

The problem is that that will never work. She’ll hear it all as complaints about her weight, which make her feel bad about herself, which will lead her to feel even more hopeless and undesirable, and spend even more time on the couch.

So your job is to Continue reading

0 How to get fit and lose weight, when you hate sports

Doglover 101 asks: My mom’s always been the athletic type since she was my age (12,maybe even younger) and she has always tried to make me do at least one. But in P.E everyone literally hates me, I’m always last, and if someone does pick me to be on their team it’s because they’re trying to be polite/friendly and there’s always someone groaning and saying “Ugh, why her?” They always tell me “Oh my god, at least try!” and when I do, “Pft, what was that?” and cue the laughter. Popularity in my school is based on your ability in sports (it’s so unfair if you ask me.) And well all of the popular kids, except like two, hate me. I’ve been bullied by most of them, but I got around that when I finally made some good and real friends. I keep trying to tell my mom that everyone’s just too competitive and mean when it comes to sports but she just won’t have it. She says I need to lose some of my fat and I agree. I’ve even looked up the average weight for a girl my age: 41 kg. A friend of mine says it depends on your height (I’m about 5’3) so I asked another of my friends who’s just a few cm shorter than me and she says she weighs 56-8 kg. I’m bloody 61.8kg! I’ve never been insecure about anything until this year, my stomach’s HUGE and mom says that it’s a little longer than normal. I hate my body and just want to be skinny, like all the other prettier girls. It’s not just that: *I have blackheads all over my huge nose and chin *I have tan lines from my glasses *One eye’s a little bit more closed than the other *I have the deepest voice out of all of the girls *Since I’m blonde, I practically have NO eyebrows *I have the darkest bags under my eyes even though I get 9-10 hours of sleep *My deodorant always comes off and I stink through out the day. *I always slouch *I have these brown spots, like beauty marks ALL over my face (I’m pretty sure it’s because of my ethnicity, I’m from Lithuania) *This one rep spot has been on my nose all year and it’s the sort of spot that you can’t pop, it’s like a part of my face. * My stomach fat is just the main problem with me. *I always have dandruff! So, I’ve been trying to find a sport and key word being ‘trying’. So I can at least have a better stomach but all of the sports just seem too boring and competitive. I want to actually enjoy a sport and not have to worry about people laughing and hating me. Sometimes I just feel too fat to belong in this world. How can I find a sport I like Shirelle? I’ve been trying and trying but I have the worst aim and strength. I’ll try anything except soccer (way too many people play that in Ireland), swimming (I don’t know how), and ice skating (no, just no). Help? Sincerely, Doglover 101.

Hi Doglover 101 –

Oh I am so sorry!  I have always been enormously athletic (enough that lots of humans were frightened of me when I was younger – I wasn’t fierce or mean, but they were terrified of all my friendly strength and energy!).  But my friend Handsome was just like you.  Except that he was tall and thin, so he looked like he should do well in sports, while being awful in all of them!  He was usually the last one picked for anything (even over the shortest or, yes, chubbiest, kids).  And so, just like you, he hated P.E. – even though it ought to have been fun to get out of class and do something active instead of listening to a teacher drone on about whatever.

So there is nothing I can do to make you enjoy being treated badly by your classmates.  The more of them you befriend, the better chance they’ll treat you better, but I know that’s hard to achieve.

But I do have an idea.  And, of all sources, it came from that dorky guy I live with!  You see, once a person reaches age – oh, I’ll say 25 – they start thinking about all the things they wish they’d done differently when they were young.  And they start talking about it to themselves.  Most often in the shower.

So I’ve always liked to sit outside the shower when Handsome is washing, just because I like being near him, but also because he sometimes sings and I like that, and because I never know if the day might come when he walks out of there with a plate full of fresh-baked cookies and it slips out of his wet hands and they go all over the floor and…!

And do you know what I hear him talking about most of the time when he’s in there?  (When he’s not singing some love song from seventy years ago with all the lyrics changed to be about me?  Oh this guy is sooooo good!)

He talks about what he’d do if he could go back in time.

And most of the time, he talks about what he’d do about his pathetic athletic ability.

So I’m just going to steal from his silly rants, and give you his suggestions.

First of all, at least for now, Continue reading