Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 How to deal with your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s annoying family members

Snowman asks: So me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. About 1 year in I met one of her family friends and the first thing he does is insult me by saying he wouldn’t talk to anyone less intelligent than him and ignores me from there. He did this directly in front of my girlfriend and she didn’t react at all to it. So I let it slide and after he left I confronted her about it. She apologized and understood that I didn’t like him at all. So several months pass and I’ve pretty much never talked to him. When my birthday comes, due to a serious of unlucky events, my girlfriend has to leave for a bit and I’m forced to wait for this man and guide him to her. It naturally ruined my day. So afterwards I tell my girlfriend that I want to skip dinner and just lay down but we end up going to dinner anyways. We ultimately got into a small argument and she tried to break up with me a few days later. Ps this was at a time where we could barely see each other. It’s been on my conscience for a while now because I felt bad for being in a bad mood that day. Was my reaction unreasonable?

Hi Snowman –

I can’t really answer your question as it is. You see, you’ve told me lots of reasons for you to be annoyed (ANYBODY would be, having to deal with that jerk!), but you didn’t really tell me what your reaction was. Except that you two had “a small argument.”   So I can’t really tell you if you were unreasonable or not.

Now if you mean to ask if it’s unreasonable for you to have been bothered by that guy’s comment and his ignoring you, then no, I think you didn’t do enough! I wish, when he said “I don’t talk with people less intelligent than me,” you’d said, “Well that’s nice, you’ve got about seven billion people you can’t talk with!” Or, more simply, “Wow, have you ever met one?”

Now if you try to stay with this woman, there’s an easier choice, which is to realize that he’s an idiot, and not let his stupidity bother you. For example, when people come to our house, I always want to play with them. But if any dislike dogs and don’t want to do anything with me, I’ve learned not to let their dopiness hurt my feelings. I just ignore them. Then they’re happier, and I am too (because I’m off playing with people who understand how fun life can be!).

So I hope this dingdong didn’t manage to ruin your relationship. Because he’s not worth it. But if he hasn’t, then yes, my advice is to give him less respect than you have. By not letting him bother you at all.

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to date an adult while you are a teenager?

lovergirl asks: Is it wrong to date a 20-year-old guy while you are 14?

Hi lovergirl –

I have many thoughts on this, but lots of them depend on defining the words you used.

For example, when you say “date,” do you mean “hang out with?”  If so, then there’s probably no problem with it.  But if you mean “get romantically involved with,” I’d ask you what it is about him that draws him to someone so much younger than he is.  I’ve known lots of couples who were six years apart, or way more, but that’s a lot less time when you’re 30 than when you’re 14.  I mean, if he turns 21 before she turns 15, he’ll be half her age older than her!  So I’d be concerned, but not necessarily say it’s impossible.

But now we get to that other word, which is “wrong.”  Do you mean “against the rules?”  Well, nothing I said above is against any rules, but if that 20-year-old is thinking of getting  Continue reading

0 Is it okay for a boy to like wearing girls’ clothes?

Violet asks: I am a 12 year old boy. Is it normal I like to wear girl clothes? I like to wear girl things but I don’t know why. I wear my sister’s clothes. My sister is 8 years old. I wear her dresses and her underwear. No one knows I wear them but I feel bad about it. I sometimes wish I was a girl.

Hi Violet –

I’m glad you wrote me, because I have a very different take on this than most humans.

You see, Violet, as a dog, I don’t care about anything in terms of the roles of boys and girls.  For example, most female dogs squat whenever they pee, but ever since I was old enough, I’ve often lifted my leg to do it.  And no one’s ever cared.

Similarly, I don’t care a bit about clothes, except to say that I always find it really irritating when Handsome makes me wear any (you humans seem to just find it SOOOOO funny to see a dog in a hat or shirt.  And you’re supposed to be the intelligent ones?!)

Now, you asked me something very specific.  You asked me if it’s “normal” for a boy to want to wear girls’ clothes.  Well, if “normal” means that most people do it, then no, it’s not.  Nor is it normal for girl dogs to lift their legs to pee, or for a person to become a big movie star or sports legend.  But the much more important issue is, is it Continue reading

0 How to step-parent in a home with conflict

Johan-dad asks: Hello. I’m married, 2nd marriage, to a beautiful lady I’ll call C. She’s got just as beautiful little girl, M. I’ve been in C and M’s life for the past 3 1/2 years and we’ve been married now for just over 1 year. M, my stepdaughter that I love like my own, is 5 years old. C and M have this love-hate relationship, and I’m saying that because one minute they can love each other to bits and the next they scream and shout at each other like hateful teenagers. My question is not that simple, but I’m going to try and break it down to simplify. M sleeps in our bed as she refuses to sleep in her bed. Mom is saying that she doesn’t want to fight at night getting M to bed so she rather give M what she wants to keep the peace. However, when it’s long past sleeping time, M is still awake and mom is then fighting and screaming at M to sleep. I feel that the fighting and screaming at night is worse than telling the child to go to bed and letting her cry in her bed until she falls asleep, because she will learn to after a while. Unfortunately this is not an option and I’ve been told that I should stay out of their fights and mind my own business. If I do make mention of the fact that I feel it is wrong, then mom goes and sleeps in M’s bed and returns to ours during the night, and the next day all I hear is how bad it is sleeping in M’s bed. Now this is just one example and there is a lot more, but I would like to know what is my right as a step-parent and how do I deal with this. If my wife is unable to discipline, and I’m not talking about giving hidings or verbally abusing the child, how do I intervene and what is my responsibility? I feel that our, my wife and I, relationship is taking a big knock because of the fact that mom either fights with the child like she is her enemy or she gives the child her way to avoid a fight and I am sitting on the sideline seeing how they destroy each other and I can not do anything about it. My wife has even mentioned it that she considered to kill herself because she can’t handle M and life, but still she doesn’t want to allow me in that circle to help her. I don’t know what part of parenting is “allowed” from a stepparent’s perspective, and what should I do as a husband to get my wife to understand that I am not the enemy but can assist her if she allows me. I always try to be calm and not get involved too much, but sometimes I’ll come in the crossfire unwillingly. Please help me to understand my role where two people I love are falling into this pit and it feels like my hands are cut off.

Hi Johan-dad –

There are those who will tell you that you’re in a very common position for a step-parent.  But I’ll tell you, you’re in an even more common place for a DOG!  This is exactly the position we find ourselves in all the time – we love everyone in the home, they’re fighting, and we want to jump in and do something to stop it, but whenever we try, they yell at us and throw us out the back door!

My solution to this is simple: I write this website. After years of being frustrated with no one paying attention to my thoughts on the matter, I’m now able to get people all over the world to listen to me, and it looks like, a lot of the time, I’m able to help.

But that doesn’t change how people treat me when we’re together.  Then I’m still just a dumb old dog, or maybe they see me as vicious because I’m barking at them… and out I get tossed.

And the truth is, in this case of yours, they’re right: this is between them, and you don’t get to have a say in it.

But I’m not suggesting you give up.  I’m just saying you’re too close to them to be the one to take charge.

What this really looks like is a situation where your wife has spent five years mostly doing whatever her daughter wanted, or expressed she needed.  Which is, of course, a lot better than being cruel, abusive, or neglectful.  But it’s created a situation where your stepdaughter has learned to go after what she wants by demanding and crying.  It’s very similar to an untrained puppy who whines all night till someone lets her out of her crate and onto the family bed (where they’d sworn she’d never be allowed).

And what you need is a good Continue reading

0 How to work out issues between your boyfriend and your parents.

Confused Asks: So, I’m not allowed to date. However, I didn’t listen and I am dating my current boyfriend. My dad said that it’s okay that we like each other, but nothing serious can happen until I’m 17. I’m about to be 15. He makes me happy, and just makes me a better person in general. However, because I’m not allowed to date, I can’t hang out with him alone; we have to hang out with friends. The problem is, I’m not friends with any guys that he knows. We both came from the same middle school, so it was easy to hang out; some of my friends would go, and some of his friends would go. We all knew each other. However, now that we’re in different high schools, things have changed. He doesn’t want to meet up if it’s just my friends and me (because he would be the only guy). And my dad wouldn’t like me to hang out with just him and his friends. The thing that’s so hard about this is that my dad barely knows my boyfriend. I previously went to a catholic school from Kindergarten all the way until 8th grade, but we moved to a different building in the 6th grade. Because of this, my parents aren’t really familiar with any of my friends that I made past the 6th grade. My boyfriend came in 7th grade. I feel like if he had been in the school longer, my parents would be okay with me hanging out with him and his friends. Also, I take school very seriously, and I put it before anything. I’m on the swim team and I’m in a lot of different clubs/programs, so it’s really hard to balance school with family and with him. I haven’t been giving him as much attention as I used to; we barely get to talk now. When we do talk, 70% of the time we’re arguing. Recently, he told me that he doesn’t want to be together anymore because I’m not giving him enough attention. (I used to text him 27/4, but recently my schoolwork and clubs haven’t been giving me enough time to spend all day texting him. We also used to hang out before we went to high school, but now our circles of friends are different. Now we barely hang out, too. I also never get to FaceTime/call him nowadays. So now he feels like I stopped giving him attention.) I told him that I can change and find a way to give him more attention. But the truth is, I’m not sure how. I was going to try to talk to my mom and get her to let my dad let me hang out with him alone, but I highly doubt that would work. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

So I’m seeing one solution to both your problems.  At least a bit of one.  Now maybe this idea is awful, but just in case…

Why not set up a time for your parents and your boyfriend and you to get together?  Why not all four of you hang out?

Your family could have him over for dinner, or the four of you could meet at a restaurant.  This would give your boyfriend a chance to show himself to your parents at his best, give them a chance to see him as a person (and not just as some ghostly figure their wonderful beloved daughter runs off with into the night!), and give you a chance to show your boyfriend how important he is to you!

Maybe this needs to happen more than once.

Then, if it goes well, your dad will have a better sense of this guy.  And if your boyfriend did his job and made a good impression, your dad will likely relax a little about the time you two spend together.

But don’t expect too much!  Handsome loves to tell about his girlfriend from high school, whose Continue reading

0 How to work out social problems at school.

3Valentina3 asks: At school I feel like such an outsider. Or like an extra (like in the movies). I also don’t have the courage to tell my friend G that I don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t know what to do and I’m feeling so upset. I would tell my mom but she wouldn’t understand and she would say something like, “just focus on school – you’re not there to make friends”. But if she understood then it would mean the world to me! How can I tell her what’s going on?

Hi 3Valentina3 –

Really, you’re asking me three questions. They’re all tied up together, but you’re trying to juggle three problems at once. And I relate to your difficulty with this – the best I’ve ever done with juggling is to have a tennis ball in my mouth and throw it up in the air and catch it. Once.

So let’s try to make it easier by splitting it into three parts.

First, you’re feeling like an extra at school. This is COMPLETELY normal. I know it doesn’t look like it, but every kid and teen goes through feeling this. If someone’s popular, they feel like they’re not being seen for who they are, and can’t express themselves. If they’re not popular, they feel unseen at all, and unheard, no matter what they say.  And everyone, at times, feels misunderstood.

I’m not saying this to say it’s not a big deal; it’s gigantic. It’s a horrible feeling, I know. It’s like the way I feel when I’m locked in a cage at the veterinarian’s office – there’s nothing I can do, I feel abandoned by everyone I trusted, and I’m scared to death!

But the good news is just Continue reading

0 How to make friends when you have anxiety from being mistreated your whole life.

Roma asks: I am not part of a very good family relationship. My mother lost custody of me last year and I’ve been devastated ever since. I seem to have these breakdowns and anxiety every couple days or even more often than that. I have a decent life outside of home, but my grades aren’t great because I have no one who helps me with my homework. I get by with the whole homework situation fairly easily on my own, but now I seem to miss at least two homework or classwork assignments every single day. And I don’t even know the rules of my own school because when I started the school, my grandparents, whom I live with, just tossed the information we were given without acknowledging it. I intend to learn them, but am afraid to ask anyone what they are. I have ADHD and ADD and my hearing and sight are very bad. However, only my eyesight has even been thought about by my grandparents. I suffer from bad re-flux as well, and as you have probably guessed, they don’t care at all. But anyway, the question is: we have a field trip in May and my anxiety is so bad that I start hyperventilating at the thought of just about anything. The field trip is to the mountains. We’ll have fun I’m sure, but how do I prevent or reduce the effects of these serious breakdowns? I’ll be with thirty other sixth-graders, only three of them being my friends, and we are there for a week, 500 miles from where I live. I just don’t know what to do.

Hi Roma –

My friend, you are going through a LOT.  I know, no one ever said life was supposed to be fair, but your situation is simply UNfair.  I don’t know what your mom did or didn’t do to lose custody of you, but whatever it was was unfair to you.  The fact that your father is so not in the picture that you didn’t even mention him here is unfair to you.  And the fact that your grandparents – who at least are qualified enough to keep you – aren’t paying attention to everything you’re dealing with… is unfair too.

Then there are the other issues – the ADHD and ADD, the hearing, the eyesight, the reflux… and all this is SO unfair.

Which is all going to make my answer to your question sound weird, or even unfeeling.  Because I’m going to tell you to Continue reading

0 How to get a child to be willing to sleep alone.

Linda asks: Hello Shirelle, My questions have to do with my little granddaughter . She will be 4 years old soon and I am concerned about her emotional development. All of her short life she has not slept in her own bed not once. Her father and mother never married and are now separated. She lives with her mother who is a very good mommy. My concern though is that she is not allowed to sleep alone in her own bed in fact her mom never used the crib or even converted it to the youth bed for her. She has no bed of her own at all. She can’t sleep by herself even when she visits her dad who has provided her with her own room and bed. When she visits me overnight she needs to have me right there with her. She has severe separation anxiety regarding her mother but as soon her mom leaves to work or out the door she’s calmed down. I sense something is not right but I am not sure. Is all this just normal?

Hi Linda –

When Handsome first brought me home, he read every book he could find about raising puppies.  And while they had lots of different advice, one thing they all agreed on was that humans shouldn’t let puppies sleep on their beds, as it just creates problems.  But Handsome didn’t follow that rule.  He understood the problems they were concerned about, but he wanted his dog to sleep on his bed; he liked the idea of us cuddling up together at night.

And it’s been great, for both of us.  But the only reason it’s been good is that he never wanted me to stop sleeping there.  If he had, that could have gotten really difficult.

The problem your daughter has created is that, like me, her daughter is used to falling asleep next to an adult human.  And she doesn’t know how to sleep by herself.

As with a dog, this is a problem, but not a giant one.  What needs to happen – someday – is that Continue reading

0 How to deal with criticism from an aged mother.

Deb asks: Really need help on this. How do I (age 61) not care about what my mom (age 90) thinks about my clothes. I love my clothes, I love where I buy them. I (age 61) have a certain style I wear: Underblouse (long sleeve blouse worn under my) OVERblouse: loose fitting sleeveless top and I only wear pants. I don’t wear skirts, dresses, tank tops or anything slutty. I purchased all my clothes from the three 99 cent stores where I live. And I always get compliments on what I wear from strangers. A few months ago I learned from a childhood friend that seven of our childhood friends passed on. All but one died of cancer. The one that didn’t die from cancer died of an infection that attacked her heart. Then on Sunday, February 19, 2017: I play the piano very well – playing since I was 12 years old. When I play my mom (age 90) knows I am going to play the piano because either I tell her or she is in the living room when I play. This past Sunday she was in her room and I didn’t tell her. I closed the door that separates the bedrooms from the living room/dining room area so I wouldn’t disturb her while she watched a show. Then after I stopped playing I went into her bedroom. I told her I am not playing any more today. She told me she thought the music was on TV, she didn’t realize I was playing. I played the day before that, so I got a little upset thinking she was putting down the other days I played and confronted her about that. So then a little tiff happened and out of the blue she mentioned my stomach issue I am having right now, which didn’t bother me, but she also thru out AIDS. I got mad at the AIDS part, because I knew what she was referring to which was when I found out four months ago that one of my childhood friends died of an infection she said that I shouldn’t buy my pants at the 99 cent stores – I could get AIDS. So when she referred to AIDS on Sunday I knew what she was referring to and I confronted her, and that is when she attacked my clothes. We had some fight. Yesterday I confronted her about what she had said about my clothes, and she told me she really doesn’t remember what she said, at first I called her a liar that she did remember but she claimed she really didn’t. Then when I confronted her one more time yesterday she put down my clothes saying they are dirty, you don’t know who wore the pants, you can get AIDS. We had some fight and I said a lot of horrible things to her. I don’t care if she doesn’t like my clothes, or my sense of style, I just don’t like her to put them down. BTW I hate the way she dresses. She wears jeans with a long sleeve blouse two or three sizes too small, or black pants (in the winter) and only beige or white pants in the summer with a Tee shirt.

Hi Deb –

I have some strong opinions on this issue (none of which have to do with dressing well; we dogs have no sense of style at all, which is why we are happiest running around naked or with just a collar!).  But first I need to explain something about my relationship with Handsome, and really all domesticated dogs’ relationships with their humans.

People say we love our humans.  That puts it far too mildly.  We adore them rapturously, and we also see them as our unquestioned leaders.  We might disobey our people, but that’s like a little child disobeying their parent; we don’t actually think we’re in charge, but we love testing the boundaries of what we can and can’t do.   I don’t know any feeling in the world worse than when I’ve truly hurt or disappointed Handsome.  I’m not exaggerating when I say I’d rather die.

So this is going to sound weird, coming after I’ve said that, but what I really need for you to do, Deb, is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your taste in clothes is different from most people’s.

Reena asks: Is it weird than more than 50% of my wardrobe is black? I’m not into black magic, I’m not evil, not depressed, not goth, not trying to hide my weight. I wear black, bcoz I love black. That’s it. But I’ve noticed how ppl stare at me and the looks on their faces. I mean, I don’t wear everything black all the time, I always do match it with other colours too, but they look at me like I’m some kind of a villain or something. Also, I’m from India, and ppl here are conservative. I hate being stared at, so how do I deal with the unwanted attention?

Hi Reena –

You might have heard the partial-truth that dogs don’t see color.  Actually, we just don’t see hues; we see something like what you see in a black-and-white movie – so a similar shade of red and green look just the same to us.  (I was very excited a while back to hear a movie was coming out called “Fifty Shades of Grey,” thinking this was something made for us pups, but Handsome explained to me that it was more like a very rough obedience class!)

So the fact is, we dogs see black in just the same way you people do.  But the difference is that it doesn’t have the same meaning to us.  After all, we dogs come in all sorts of colors, which don’t have anything to do with any choices we’ve made.  Black Labrador Retrievers are a lot like Blonde Labrador Retrievers, you know?  But we can develop prejudices of sorts.  For example, I was attacked by a full-grown black dog when I was a puppy; years later, Handsome was walking me near a very large black Newfoundland, and I suddenly found myself on my back nervously submitting to her, although she was perfectly nice; I had learned as a puppy to be scared of black dogs that were that much bigger than me!

What I’m getting at is that black clothes are popular for many reasons – including the ones you mention (goth fashion, depression, making one look thinner) – but also because people think they often just look great.  And you might have looks that particularly look great in black, and maybe not as great in certain other colors.  But you’re dealing with the meanings that are in other people’s heads, not your own.

Or are you?

Is it possible that those people are looking at you because they find you pretty?  Or maybe there’s something else that’s affecting them, besides your color choice?  I find people are very good – too good – at coming up with ideas of what other people are thinking about them.  Not always correctly!

But let’s say those people actually are bothered by your black clothes.  Well, then I’d say your best way to avoid being stared at is to dress the way they do.  Do they wear white? Bright colors?  Denim?  Brown?

Or, here’s my real advice: Continue reading