Category Archives for "Life Skills"

When family members aren’t speaking

Erika asks: My sister had a big misunderstanding with her daughter (who is suffering from anxiety disorder). It has been two whole weeks that they haven’t talked to each other. My sister thinks that my niece has to make the first move, as she is younger, but it seems that my niece has no plans of doing so, as she is still hurting. What should my sister do, especially since her daughter’s birthday is fast approaching? Should she make the first move or not?

Hi Erika –

 

What a good sister and aunt you are, to take this on.  They’re lucky to have you.

I have a bit of a problem in not knowing how old your niece is.  I’d see different issues if she was eight, eighteen, or twenty-eight.

But not knowing, I can still speak on a few issues.  Firstly, your sister might be working to train her anxious daughter to face her fears and difficulties.  And if so, it’ll help if you support her in this.  But that support might include telling her if you think she’s doing part of it the wrong Continue reading

What teenagers should eat

preeti asks: What should a teenage child eat?

Hi preeti –

 

Teenage bodies are going through so many changes that it’s hard to tell if what is good for a teen one week is still good the next.  What leaves you bright-eyed and gorgeous today might make you break out and smell bad a month from now!  What a tough situation!!

 

But…  well, I guess it’s easiest to say what a teenager shouldn’t eat, or at least shouldn’t eat so much of.  I’d start with really sugary or fatty foods, and of course things like tobacco and alcohol or anything Continue reading

1 How to live knowing you’re attracted to the same sex.

uf18 asks: It’s an honor to write to you. I am a 14-year-old boy. Since childhood I always had sexual attraction toward males. I can’t decide what to do? Be straight or gay? Please help me. I am begging you. I wrote to a lot of advice columnists, but no one answered. So I hope you will be kind enough to answer my question. Thank you.

Hi uf18 –

Thank you for writing this extremely important question.  I’m sorry for the tough time you’re going through, and really respect you for reaching out to ask this.

Until pretty recently, no one really knew what determined anyone’s sexual orientation (a big word for what sort of people you’re attracted to).  But in the last decade or so, scientists have found that there’s a part of the brain that is different in size for people who are attracted to their own or the opposite sex.  It’s called the hypothalamus.  What’s so important about this discovery is that it makes it clear that attraction is not a Continue reading

Why would my best friend leave me?

Shefar asks: Hey Shirelle! I’m 12 and go to a private school. I’ve had a best friend before, but we broke up. I think that’s because of a new girl who she hangs out with a lot these days. She’s a lot better than I am. But I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to forget someone who’s close with her. I mean we can hang out together. Do you know why she left me?

Well, Shefar, of course I first have to answer your question by saying that I have no idea why she left you.  I’m a pretty insightful puppy, but I’m not a psychic, and so have no way of knowing what she was thinking.

It’s always very tough when friends want to stop hanging around us, and prefer the company of others.  It could be for a lot of reasons that are perfectly innocent.  One of the most common, especially around your age, is that kids grow at different Continue reading

How to help a child or teen with trouble concentrating

ethan 23 asks: Our son is ambidextrous, with possible dyslexia, and has real trouble concentrating, I am looking for methods to help him build up his concentration levels at school and in sports.

Hi ethan 23 –

I’m not sure what you’re saying about your son being ambidextrous – that just means he can use both hands equally well, and that’s a great thing (especially to someone like me, who doesn’t have any hands at all!).

But the trouble concentrating is, of course, a real problem.  Now I also have lots of trouble concentrating.  But that’s kind of normal for a dog (Have you seen the movie “Up”?  That dog in that movie is a great depiction of the unfocusedness that all dogs have, at least while they’re still young.).  And so, when I went to Training Class, the teacher did a great job of working with the lack of concentration in all of us.  He had our humans do two things.  Firstly, to carry a can with some rocks or coins in it, so when the dog isn’t focused on you, you can shake it.  It’s far kinder than hitting or scolding the dog, and focuses us just great.  Then secondly, they’d carry a bag of meaty treats in their pockets.  You wouldn’t believe what that does for a puppy’s focus!

And with your son, I’d really suggest trying to do the Continue reading

How to get a teenager to open up and be a parent’s best friend

Erika asks: How do I encourage my 13-year-old son to open up to me and consider me as his best friend?

Hi Erika –

 

What a great question this is!  I assumed I’d already answered it on this website, and I haven’t!  So thanks!

Okay, your question has two parts, and I need to deal with them separately.  First, how can you get your son to open up to you.

What I don’t know is whether he used to open up to you or not.  It’s very normal for kids around 13 years of age to stop being as open with their parents as they used to be.  There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just the normal development of teenagers as they start pulling away from their parental ties, building stronger ties with peers, and putting more effort into self-definition.  In fact, it’s overall a good thing that a kid of that age isn’t too open with his parents.  But of course, you do want him to feel able to talk about anything he wants to discuss with you.

The best way to achieve that is to change the way you Continue reading

How can children increase family ties

Emy asks: How can children help keep family ties closer?

Hi Emy –

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you are asking how children can keep their families more connected, or how they can stay more connected to their own families.

If it’s the first, it’s certainly something kids dream of doing a lot.  The popular movie “The Parent Trap” (either version of it) is a very fun version of this fantasy, where two twin girls conspire to get their divorced parents to remarry.  Of course the truth is that just by Continue reading

How to get parents to fight less

nikolas asks: I am 14, and I have a perfect life. I am an excellent student and so on. But this is regarding my parents. Sometimes they start fighting, yelling at each other about our current financial problems. I love my mum and dad more than anything in the whole world!! It’s just that I hate it when they’re fighting. Then after an hour or so of that fighting, I become frightened that this either won’t stop, or it will get worse, or that it will go so far that they will divorce. I talked to my parents about the divorce thing and they said, “Don’t be silly, that will never happen, we love each other.” From time to time I can be a little pessimistic about those kinds of things. This sounds a little stupid, but from time to time, after the fights, I ask one parent, “We love (the other parent), don’t we?” And they say, “Yes, why shouldn’t we?” I know that these fights end in due time but it’s just that (ahhhhh here I go all pessimistic again) my mum is mostly frustrated because my dad spends a lot. Recently he spent 30.000 dinars on the maintenance of our car (that’s about 300 euros or 270 GBP). Since we got that car we are in huge debt. I just don’t want these fights to haunt me. Please give me some advice. Thank You

Hi Nikolas –

Okay, first thing – nothing you’re saying sounds stupid, or even pessimistic.  You’re living in a difficult situation that’s affecting you a lot, and that’s simply real.  It sounds pretty clear that neither of your parents is nearly as bothered by the intensity of their arguing as you are.  That may be just because they’re used to it – some couples even like arguing a lot, they feel it keeps their relationship fresh!  But I can tell you that I’m like you: I hate it when Handsome gets upset about anything.  It makes me feel insecure about our home, and very worried that he might get equally mad at me!

I’ve already written on here about how to deal with parents who fight (see Gingko’s question about it), but it certainly sounds like you’re in no physical danger.  You’re really dealing with two big issues, and I have thoughts on both of them.

First, yes, they’re fighting, and they don’t see anything wrong with it.  That’s actually a little unfair to you.  If I bark at the neighbor’s dog all day, and the other neighbors get bothered, they call Continue reading

2 How to break up as well as possible.

lexie jayne asks: I have a boyfriend who really cares for me, but recently I discovered that I don’t have any feelings for him anymore! I really want to break up with him, but I don’t want to break his heart because he’s such a good guy. But again, I really don’t have feelings for him now. Please help me out.

Hi Lexie Jayne –

 

I hate breakups.  I’ve never really had one, but I’ve suffered from them, whenever Handsome’s had any.  And he hates them – whether they’re his idea or hers.  Both feel really bad.  But that’s just one of those things almost all humans go through, and so the best thing to do is to get it over with as kindly and as easily as possible.  Here are some suggestions:

 

1)    Although you might want to be extra-nice to him before it, that can backfire.  Handsome once did that, so as to make a woman feel how much he truly cared about her, and instead she felt that he’d set her up and Continue reading

3 Ladies and Gentlemen – a new conception of politeness

Ladies and Gentlemen – a new conception of politeness

 

 

If you’re a lover of old books and movies, you’ll have noticed that there used to be a very accepted concept of Politeness that pervaded society.  But around the 1960’s, when all sort of really necessary changes happened, Politeness began to get a bad name.  How could rules of behavior be legitimate, if they included treating women as less than men, other races as less than white people, and the poor as less than the rich?   That’s the way it had been in the past, and it needed to change.

 

So those rules got dropped, and then, for a decade or so, it seemed that our society lost all rules of decorum.  Then a different set of rules came in, with the creepy name of “Political Correctness.”  This sounds like Nazism or something, but was really a set of social behavior rules set to replace the old Politeness, concerning itself with reducing sexism, racism, classism, etc.  It was certainly necessary.  But I’m thinking we’ve reached a time when we’re ready to bring Politeness back… but improved Politeness.

 

You see, I think there was something great about humans having the concept of Ladies and Gentlemen.  But as our world’s values have changed, that no longer should mean rich white people who treat others as lower than them!  Instead, it’s time for us to redefine these terms, in ways we like!
Now I don’t need to ever be called a Lady.  The rules for my gentility are too simple for that – sit, shake, heel; don’t jump on strangers or bite anyone, etc.  But I know that there are ways I like to see people act, and ways I don’t.  So here’s my beginning list of Shirelle’s Rules for Ladies and Gentlemen!

1.      Ladies and Gentlemen respect older people and children, and avoid doing things that will hurt or offend them.  When I see cars and t-shirts, or even movie posters, saying things that no one would want to say in front of their grandmothers, I know that the people who broadcast these comments are not humans I want in my house.  Since we all know what words I mean, that means that we know better than to put them out there!  And that goes for saying them loudly in public too.

 2.       Ladies and Gentlemen respect themselves.  We see insects and reptiles who treat themselves and their lives with more respect than some people.  While most of being a Lady or Gentleman is about treating others fairly or well, it’s also terribly important to honor yourself, including your health, your feelings, your opinions, and your appearance.

 3.      Ladies and Gentlemen treat all people with respect, regardless of their race, gender, class, or nationality.  This includes understanding that “respect” has to be shown different ways to different people.  The days of open segregation and discrimination are over, but there’s lots still going on in a subtler way (which means it’s harder to tell).  Ladies and Gentlemen really do the work to avoid those evils.  But they also work to show respect in different ways.  People in some cultures don’t like to be touched, for example, while others consider a hearty handshake or embrace to be the way to meet (and I like to jump on everyone!).  Ladies and Gentlemen try to understand those differences, and honor them.

 4.      Ladies and Gentlemen honor their own beliefs with deep integrity, but work to also honor those of others with whom they disagree.   This refers to politics and morality, but especially to religions.  It amazes me that, in this age of the “global village,” people still are so quick to insult or disparage others’ beliefs.  Of course, if a part of someone else’s religion endangers other people, there should be laws that prevent those things being carried out.  But that doesn’t mean anyone needs to put down the beliefs (or lack of beliefs) behind that religion.  Certainly not a Lady or a Gentleman!

 5.      Ladies and Gentlemen consider Kindness a high value, and try to act kindly whenever they can.  This is the core value that I believe a true Lady or Gentleman would have.  This includes basic manners (“Please” and “Thank You” and “Excuse me” still work after all these years).  But if someone behaves with a sort of Politeness that is inherently unkind, that’s the kind of Politeness that the world’s better off without.

 6.      Ladies and Gentlemen don’t take advantage of people working for them.  If you want to see a dog lose respect for a human in one second, let that human insult their waiter or waitress.  That poor worker has no way of responding to them without getting fired, and the insulter knows it.  Maybe there’s a simpler way of stating this:  You cannot be both a Bully and a Gentleman or Lady.  If you’re one, you’re not the other.

Note: This also includes Public Servants.  A Lady or Gentleman treats Police Officers, Firefighters, and members of the Armed Forces with respect and open gratitude.   Even if you don’t agree with every mission they’ve ever had to do, their willingness to do it has risked their lives to keep you safe.

 7.      Ladies and Gentlemen respect that we all share this earth and its resources.  This is one of the rules that just didn’t exist in the old Politeness, but has to be added now.  People who litter, or add to pollution in ways that are unnecessary, or who design policies in their home or work that ruin the environment for others, are Rude and Selfish.  Now that doesn’t mean that to be a Lady or Gentleman you have to be the most strict  environmentalist out there; you just need the awareness that the Earth is like a giant dinner table, and if you hog all the food, or throw your trash into someone else’s place, that’s not good table manners!

 8.      Ladies and Gentlemen honor other people’s divergent tastes.  If you like a certain sort of music, that’s great, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying it.  But you don’t really need to force everyone around you to hear it when they don’t want to.  (On the other hand, it’s not exactly Ladylike behavior to complain every time your neighbors throw a party and you are able to hear their awful music!)  Similarly, someone else wearing different sorts of clothes to yours, or reading books you don’t like, actually makes the world a better and more interesting place, not worse!

 9.      Ladies and Gentlemen tell the truth (except when necessary).  They know that gains gotten by lies are not worth their cost.  The core of being a Lady or Gentleman is respecting yourself and others.  If you’re lying (unless it’s for a noble reason), you’re disrespecting both.  The Hebrew Commandment said to not bear false witness against one’s neighbor, but I’m being tougher than that!  Try to avoid any type of lying.  Besides, life is so much easier when you tell the truth, because you don’t have to run around trying to protect the lie.  If you tell the truth, you get to respect yourself the whole time!

 10. Ladies and Gentlemen treat children and animals with love and respect – even the ones they don’t like.  Did I include respecting children in two of these rules?  I sure did.  Because in a funny way, ALL these rules could come down to this one.   If a person acts in a way that honors children’s rights to their present and future, they’re automatically going to be Ladies and Gentlemen.  And when it comes to animals – look, no one has to like everyone (and I’ve made no secret on here about my distaste of cats!), but you humans do run this world.  And to treat animals badly is a sign of laziness and cruelty (again, Bullies aren’t Gentlemen).  If you see a spider in your house, you have the power and the right to step on it.  But if, instead, you catch it and put it outdoors, you’ve just proven yourself a more genteel, polite, and fine person!

 

Okay, that’s my beginning list.  Now here’s what I ask of you: Can you add to it?!  I would SO love that!  Who knows? Maybe if we get enough additions to it, we can start a worldwide conversation, and make the whole human race better!

 

So please, think of something that YOU would like to see on this list, and post it as a comment on this blog!

 

The future is ours!  A whole new world of Ladies, Gentlemen, Dogs…   and, well, yes, cats too!

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