Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 What to do when your family is pushing you to a profession you don’t want

Tuktuk asks:

I’ve been happy these days and mostly avoiding any negative thoughts, but then suddenly I had a thought that I am not going into the right profession. I am a medical student. I feel like I am not in the right profession because my parents and my family expect a lot out of me. They say there’s no pressure but indirectly I can feel the tension. My mother has said since I was young that she doesn’t compare me with other kids, but indirectly she used to, and I used to feel pressured all the time. I had to be on my best behavior because she was a teacher in my school, and now when I am in college they constantly remind me that I have to be a successful doctor. I get overwhelmed by everyone’s expectations these days and due to this thinking I haven’t been doing anything. My career choice was the only thing I never doubted, and felt that it was my own decision, but now I feel that even that was forced on me indirectly. I feel I have no uniqueness in me. I don’t feel useless but rather tired of everything that’s going on around me and just want to run away. I feel like when I’ll die no one will know me because I couldn’t leave a mark, and was rather like a piece of dirt which goes away when the surface is cleaned.

Hi Tuktuk –

            I have so much to say to this, but let me start with your last sentence.  I believe that you feel this, but I promise you the opposite is the truth.  Even if you stay on exactly the path you’re on right now, you are clearly the focus of your parents’ dreams, and would become someone who would care for, and maybe even save the lives of, hundreds or thousands of people.  I remember when I broke my toe by jumping on the fence to bark at our neighbors.  I was maybe a year old?  But I can tell you everything about that pet emergency hospital, each person who worked on me, and what the needles felt like going in, how kindly they wrapped up my foot (and how frantic Handsome was while waiting for me).  And that was a broken toe – I was maybe there an hour.  You might become a lot more involved in some people’s lives than those professionals were in mine!

            But that’s all about if you stay on the same path.  A path you’re beginning to doubt.

            Don’t get me wrong – I love doctors and believe there’s no more noble profession.  But I also absolutely LOVE that you’re going through this – wherever it leads.

            Here’s what’s going on, my friend.  Your brain is developing in a way it couldn’t when you were even just a year or two younger.  You’re starting to question everything in your life – and that’s the BEST THING YOU CAN DO!  You’re realizing that decisions you believed were your own were actually your parents’. 

            This doesn’t make them villains, at all.  What’s important here is that you’re doing something really important that we dogs can’t do, and about half of people can’t do.  It’s called Metacognition, and means the ability to think about your own thinking.  You are going through a profound reassessment of your whole life so far, that’s going to determine a great deal of your future. 

            I imagine you’ve heard the term “Midlife Crisis.”  This is something that happens to lots of humans around age 40 or so, when they suddenly question everything in their lives, such as their marriages and careers.  How fortunate that you’re doing that NOW! 

            And here’s what’s so important about this – whatever decision you make about your career WILL be yours now.  If you decide to become a professor of Philosophy (which would suit your deep-thinking brain), or a struggling pop singer, or, yes, a doctor – any of those choices will be yours, and you’ll know it!

            But now here’s the bad news.  I can’t help you with your decision.  Not because I don’t have opinions, but because it has to be your decision!  And maybe that’s something you can’t decide right now.  Maybe you need to take some time off of school (if so, this might be a great time to do it, while many of your classes are likely online); maybe you need to travel the world (if so, this is a lousy time to do it, with the border closings and all the fear); or maybe you can stick with your classes for another term while you try to figure things out.

            Have you ever heard of the movie director George Miller?  He was you!  He was the son of proud, hard-working Greek immigrants in Australia, who’d always dreamt that their bright son would become a doctor.  And so he did.  He studied hard, and got his degree, and in his first residency, he worked in an emergency room.  And every night, he’d see people come in with horrible injuries from auto accidents.  And bit by bit, he talked about what these brought to his mind with a friend of his who wanted to produce movies.  And eventually he quit his medical job and they made a violent low-budget film with a bunch of car action.  It was called Mad Max.  Three sequels, many other films and minseries, and Oscar nominations and wins later, he’s pretty happy with his decision.

            Another similar story is of a great cartoonist.  I don’t know if they print Pearls Before Swine where you are, but it’s Handsome’s favorite comic strip these days.  Its creator, Stephan Pastis (hmm… also of Greek heritage) did what he was supposed to do and became a lawyer.  And hated it.  And would sit around bored, doodling little funny images to keep himself amused.  And eventually… well you get the idea.

            And then there’s the other story.  Not of one person but of millions.  Who went into the profession that was chosen for them, experienced just the doubt you’re having, but then found a way to do those jobs that inspired them, gave their lives meaning, and connected directly to their hearts.

            What’s important to me is that you’re asking this question.  Whatever answer you find, your life will be beautifully improved by your having gone through this.

            And, while I’ve got nothing against dirt – I love to roll around in it and track it into our house – whatever you become will, I promise, not be seen as just a speck of it.  You will be amazing.

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

0 Should you let your partner stay in contact with friends who creep you out?

PERFECTION asks:

My girl has this group of friends of hers from college, and I don’t like her guy friends at all, they’re the horny type of dudes. She always reassures me that I shouldn’t be worrying about them, and that much she’s mine after all. I recently found out about their group chat (her and some 2 other girls and those 3 guys). These guys are sending nudes one of them, and I’m not sure how I should respond to this. Should I let her hang out with those friends? 

Hey PERFECTION –

I’m kind of hit in two ways by your question. 

The first is your word “let.”  That worries me a bit.

Now I have a very particular relationship with Handsome.  We don’t say he’s my “master,” but it’s more like a parent-child thing in a lot of ways.  And there are lots of things he doesn’t let me do.  Like run into the street after a cat, or wander the neighborhood alone, or climb onto his white couch.  The first one is for my safety, the second is because I’d get picked up by a dog catcher and put back in the pound (I’d rather get run over, honestly!), and the third is because he’s all fussy and mean and thinks my dirty paws make his clean couch not look as good!

But you are in an adult relationship.  One where the members are more equal. 

Now sure, I hope that at times each of you refuses to let  the other do something.  Say, one of you has a number of alcoholic drinks and then wants to drive – I hope the other takes their keys!  And you certainly each have the right to insist on certain boundaries to the relationship – not letting the other one date or get sexually involved with someone else for example.

But can you choose whether or not to let  her have her friends?  You have the right to ask her not to hang out with them, you even have the right to tell her “It’s them or me!”  But she’d be the one making the choice.  And I think it’s really important to keep that in mind.  She’s clearly a very independent-minded woman, and although she seems to love you a lot, she’s also going to love her freedom in her life – and I’m not sure you want to ask her to choose between the two of you.

BUT…

My other thought is very different.  And this thought is – is she really the sort of woman you want?  You’ve brought up other concerns, and now you know she’s getting naked pictures of her friends?!  Is she sending them photos of herself, or of you, that you don’t know about?! 

I’m not judging.  I’m just wondering if this is a sign that, while she’s fantastic and you two adore each other, maybe you’re not a perfect match.

So, putting these two ideas together, I’m going to go to the place I go so often, and suggest you do what I can’t, and have a big talk.  Explain to her that you love her just as she is, and know you couldn’t change her if you wanted to anyway, but that it bothers you that she has this sort of relationship with this sort of people.  Not that they’re bad either.  But maybe you could ask her if she could ask them, now that she’s in a serious relationship, to not send those kinds of photos to her, that they creep her boyfriend out! 

And here’s the funny thing about that.  If she does that, at first she’ll seem like a prude to them, “Hey whatever happened to the fun person you were!”  But then, you’ll see other friends of hers start to follow suit.  They’re not in college anymore.  They’ve grown a bit.  And they’re going to be in more serious relationships too.  And most likely her girlfriends really don’t feel the need to see their old buddies naked.  And the guys are going to find that their new girlfriends don’t like being treated like college-age “hookups.” 

And she’s not going to lose her friends at all.  Not for this.

So that’s my suggestion.  But whatever you do, when you get to that word “let”… let it go.  Honor her individual spirit, as you’d hope she would honor yours.

(After all, whenever he knows it’s safe, Handsome loves to let me off the leash and yell to me “Run like hell, Puppy!”)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What’s Next? …planning for an uncertain future

Last month I struggled like crazy to find a hundred things I’m grateful for during this insane time, and sent them to you.

But that only goes so far.  And sometimes, things you’re grateful for slip away, like squirrels in a tree while you’re sleeping. 

In just this last month, my sniffing buddy Cloud, my and Handsome’s dear friend Sherry, and countless other friends or family of friends have wandered off to the field over the horizon.  And as our treasures disappear, focusing on just what we’re grateful for doesn’t feel like enough.  What would happen if they all went away?

So I’m writing a sequel to last month’s Pawprint.  This mad, awful, time will end.  I don’t know when, and neither, apparently, does anyone else (Certainly not the idiots who told us it would be gone by April or May.  I mean, I’m a dog, and I have enough brains to have not said something that unscientific!).

But when it does end, the world will be different.  Some things will be like before, some will have become more like now, and some will be able to change in ways they never have, because of all this turbulence.

And I’m making wishes.  For what that world around the corner is like. 

I hope you like them, but what I’d love even more is if you could come up with some of your own and send them to me.  Maybe we can create a whole new list!

Anyway, here goes:

1. Working from Home.  One benefit of this awful lockdown, at least where I live, has been the incredible decrease in traffic.  So many people who were working in offices and shops are now working from home (and so many others aren’t working at all, which is of course horrifying).  Of course, when things open up, this will change: lots of people will go back to their work places, and hopefully millions and millions of unemployed will find work again.  But wouldn’t it be great if a number of the companies, that have insisted their workers stay home during this, now allow them to keep working at a distance?  Parents can be closer to their children, tons of people will have more time since they skip their commutes, and that reduction in traffic could continue – including reducing pollution, crashes, and lots of anger! 
2. Theaters Somehow Return.  I mean movies, I mean plays, I mean concerts, I mean children’s shows, I mean sports events, I mean monster car rallies, I mean ice skating, I mean operas, I mean ballets, I even mean Dog Shows!   Throughout recorded history, humans (sometimes with us pooches) have congregated together to be entertained, taught, amused, moved, excited, frightened, and changed.  And while television and the internet are amazing, there’s nothing like the effect of a group experiencing the same thing at the same time.  The laughter, the gasps, the applause.  I want everyone safe, but can it PLEASE come back?!
3. The End of Factory Farming.  There will always be improvements in efficiency in every business, of course.  But over the past century, too many farms have moved from soulful healthy environments to cruel toxic monstrosities, where animals are so imprisoned and pushed together that their lives are pure misery and new diseases are created and spread.  A while back, Mad Cow Disease got some countries to change their laws, but, if the word is correct, the accidental creation of Coronavirus-19 on such a farm has shown the entire world that things need to change, right now!  How great it would be if an international committee created laws for the entire planet illegalizing these moronic and (yes I’ll use the word) inhuman animal factories. 
4. Greater Understanding Between People.  There are those who’ve tried to say this virus came from one race, or is one country’s fault.  No. However it began, it has spread due to globalization and willful ignorance.  But it’s been awfully interesting how this problem – which has attacked all people all over the world – has coincided with a greater attention to how some people have gotten treated way worse than others, for a very long time.  Could this be one of those great moments when the world awakens to a better understanding of the simple fact that all humans are siblings?  I know things won’t be perfect, but might they get just a bit better?  That would be a beautiful morning.
5. I Want Touch Back!  As a dog, I’m considered pettable by the same people who would pet me before this.  But all the close contact I used to see between people – hugs and kisses of course, but also handshakes and high-fives and friendly punches and even whispering – they’re all gone.  And it’s changed you guys; it’s changed the way you even treat us.  Connnection used to be something people craved and drew to; now it’s feared.  And I hate that.  So yes, I want everyone to stay as safe as they need to.  But once you can, please… MAKE CONTACT AGAIN!
6. Population Control.  A half-century ago, the whole world got frightened about how quickly the human population was growing.  But while it’s only grown more and more quickly, we almost never hear those worries anymore.  We should!  People are wonderful, but just as there shouldn’t be too many dogs in a kennel, it’s unhealthy to have such a growth of humans.  Imagine what it would be like if the growth stopped – if just this number of people remained on the planet.  Suddenly, instead of governments and charities having to help growing numbers of humans, they’d be able to help the current numbers more.  Poverty could be eased, health care could be provided more easily, and all sorts of growing international tensions could get reduced.  Now I hear people argue that the world’s economic systems rely on regular population growth.  But economic systems are created by humans, to help humans.  So couldn’t you guys create a new economic system that doesn’t rely on it?  Couldn’t it be way better than the way things are now?
7. New Manners.  A few years ago, I wrote a Pawprint where I tried to come up with new rules for Politeness.  And I still like all those.  But I’m talking here about actual “Manners,” how you physically act around others.  While we dogs love to get right up in everyone’s faces and butts, this virus will probably result in people giving each other a bit more space, especially total strangers.  And that will be good on a number of counts.  Sure it’ll reduce the spread of other viruses and germs, but also it’ll help vulnerable people feel safer in public, and create less chance of accidents – like doggies getting stepped on!  So I’m all for it.  But please, it doesn’t mean you can’t pet or hug your favorite pooch just as you always have!
8. More and Better Plant-Based Foods.  Let’s get this straight – I’m a dog, and I love hunting and catching other animals.  Always will, nothing I’d change about it.  But I also love when Handsome feeds me some of what he’s eating.  And you know what I’ve found?  If he’s eating one of those really great new pretend-burgers that are all made of plants, I can’t tell the difference between it and real meat.  Now remember what I said before about factory farming?  Imagine if people bought, ate, and invented way more of these “fake animal” foods, and way less from actual animals.  Wouldn’t that be great? Again, I love chasing those squirrels and mice, but it’s no fun for me that some poor bird or beast was cramped in a cage all its life for my dinner.  And everyone knows having fewer farm animals would be better for the world in countless ways.  I’m not pushing that everyone has to become vegans – I’m certainly not one myself – but could we all be healthier and happier with a better diet?  Oh yeah!
9. Keep Reading!  One great thing I’ve seen during this lockdown is people reading way more than before.  Maybe you’re catching up on some classic you’ve never gotten to, or a new book about current events to help your understanding of the world, or maybe you’ve dug up some old bones from the back yard… oops, some old favorites from your childhood that you always wanted to read again.  Whatever it might be, I sure hope this continues when things get better.  Reading exercises parts of the mind that even the most brilliant movies or tv shows never touch.  Sure, have fun rewatching all the episodes of Game of Bones or Dogton Abbey (oops, did I make a typo or two there?  heh heh), but don’t let the love of quietly losing yourself in a great novel or treatise go away.  There’s nothing like it.
10. At Last, Environmental Sanity.  When I was a puppy, Handsome started training me very mildly.  He’d gently push my butt down and say “sit,” and give me a treat for doing it right.  But over time, he started to get tougher; he’d expect me to sit without him pushing me down, and even without a treat.  It was no longer acceptable for me to not know how to respond to that command.  Well that’s where the human race is today, when it comes to the environment.  For nearly a century, the planet has been letting you all know what was necessary – to put less pollution into the air and water, to not spread certain chemicals, and to work your way out of the overuse of potentially harmful substances.  And some humans have heard it, a few have yelled about it, and many have ignored the warnings.   But now there’s no more excuse.  This year of wildfires, hurricanes, floods, melting ice shelves, rising oceans, and pestilence, is like nothing anyone’s ever seen.  Take any culture’s great ancient writings, squeeze every disaster story in them, which covered centuries, into one year, and that’s 2020.  It Is Time To Wake Up.  I bow my floppy-eared head and pray that you all heed the warnings: start preserving nature, move on from fossil fuels, find solutions to waste and pollution, and for the love of all of us, PLEASE stop electing leaders who deny what’s going on.  So many people talk about protecting the planet, but that’s not the point.  The planet’s going to survive whatever humankind does.  But humankind might not.  And we pups are dependent on you.  So please, for us, learn from this year.  And change.  Things can survive, and can get so much better.  And we will love you for it.

So that’s my wish list.  Do you have others you’d add?  I’d love to hear them, and share them with the rest of the pack!

And then will come the really interesting part: Doing what we can to make these wishes come true.

In fact, maybe that’s my greatest wish – that humans will come together to do just that, to make the world better.  Just that energy would make the future greater than any past that’s ever been.

0 Should you leave your current relationship because you never got over an earlier one?

Shreyash1009 asks: Two years ago I proposed to a girl with whom I’d been in love for five years. That time she rejected the proposal saying we were friends, but after a year she proposed back to me. It was my first relationship and I could not build a good bond with her. After two months she told me that it was not working between us. I was heartbroken and it took some time to be back. After some months I tried to propose to my friend’s ex-girlfriend and she was convinced. I was not serious with her, but she was having strong and serious feelings for me. We have been together for a year and a half, and I am not serious for her but she loves me. I am still not able to forget the girl from before. I am very much worried and don’t even know what to do.

Hi Shreyash1009 –

This is a really tough situation.  I’m sorry for you, and for both of the girls.

Humans tend to believe that romance will be like… well, like buying a dog.  You find one you like, you take them home, you train each other, and after six months or so it’s a perfect relationship with unconditional love and loyalty till death do you part.

Yeah… no.

Romance between humans is way more complex than that, with all kinds of opinions and resentments and hurts that happen all the time.  And, yes, sometimes a spark just doesn’t happen, or it goes away.  And that’s really really sad.

As with your letter – you don’t say a single word against either of these ladies.  It’s not that one cheated, or started hitting you, or stopped bathing.  This is just a case where feelings are inconvenient. 

So, I hate to say it, but if you’re sure about the way you feel about the second girl, I think that probably the best thing to do is to let her go.  Will it hurt her?  Absolutely.  Just as it hurt you when the other one rejected you.  But you did survive it, and this one ought to as well.

If you and this girl had been married for years and were raising children together, I might say something different here – I might argue that if you two get along okay, it could be worth it to stay together for all the good things your marriage gives you, even though you’re not feeling that romantic thrill.

But you’re not married, and you don’t have kids.  And the best thing for you and her might well be to move on and find someone else better for you. 

But wait, I’ll also argue against this!  ARE you sure that you’re not interested in the girl you’re with now?  Is your love for the other one more a fantasy than a real interest?  After all, I’m not hearing you say that you’ve spent the last couple of years pursuing her.  Could you actually be happier with this one than with someone else?

No one fits every wish anyone has for a partner.  There’s always compromise.

Your job, my friend, is to figure out which is the best way for you to go.  To hurt this girl’s feelings so both of you can be free, or to work harder to make things work with her.

I’ll be glad to help with whatever you decide.  But the decision is, and has to be, yours.

I wish you great wisdom and the best of luck

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re being shamed for what you did in a previous relationship

Arpita asks: I had broken up with my boyfriend 3 months ago. Then I found a guy withnwhom I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s too new, but he is everything I wanted.  My ex recently found out that I had cheated on him once (I had kissed a guy during my internship). My ex is shattered as he still has feelings for me, and I feel horrible about what I did. His friend has been abusing me in messages, slut-shaming me. Of course I can’t discuss all these with the guy I’m with now. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Arpita –

You’re in three situations, one is shockingly awful, and the other two are more normal than you realize.

The normal ones are that you have a new boyfriend while your former one still has feelings for you, which creates a problem, and that you did something that you’re ashamed of in that previous relationship.  Again, both of these are very common, and I’d even argue that most people have to contend with them.

Then you have something else that’s horrible and inexcusable, which is your ex’s friend doing all this slut-shaming abuse.

So let’s start with my strongest statement here – you KISSED a boy.  Yes, you shouldn’t have, and you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to have kissed another girl.  But it was KISSING.  You didn’t have an affair, you didn’t sleep around, you didn’t do anything to embarrass or shame your boyfriend.  And you know what else you didn’t do?  You didn’t allow (or encourage) a friend of yours to say awful things to or about him!  I’m sorry but that’s SO MUCH WORSE THAN KISSING SOMEONE.  It’s cruel and pathetic and often traumatizing.

No one has ever been in a relationship for any serious length of time without doing things they regret.  I have tons of regrets for things I have done that hurt my human friend Handsome, and he might have even more about me.  But those mistakes are part of how we’ve learned to love and trust each other over the years.  Because we’ve seen how much the other regrets the things they’ve done that have hurt us.  And how much we each want the other to be safe and happy.

So my first advice would be to reach out to your ex, if you’re comfortable doing that, and let him know that what his friend is doing is enormously hurtful to you, and gets in the way of your having any relationship to him, even friendship.  Then it’ll be interesting to see what he says or writes back: If it’s “I had no idea!  I’m so sorry, I’ll call him right now and stop this!” then that’s not so bad.  But if it’s “Well you deserve it, since what you did was unforgivable,” then you might consider blocking them both at least for a while.  (I’m assuming you’ve already apologized to him for having kissed the guy, right?  Ideally more than once?  Because if so, enough is enough!)

But now when we get to the other guy, the new wonderful one, what to do?  Well, again, I’m going to go to my line that it was only kissing.  And suggest that maybe your best bet is to tell him.

Here’s my thought.  Maybe you even start with “What’s the worst thing you ever did in a relationship?”  And when he answers, tell him, “here’s mine.”  And describe it to him.  Tell him how ashamed you are of it, how sorry you are, and (and here’s the big one) what you learned from the experience which guarantees that you will never do that again.  And tell him that you want him to know about it, because you value him so much and you don’t want to take a chance that he might hear it from someone else.  But also, you’re caring so much that it’s a little scary.  And you don’t want to live in a situation where you get so committed to someone who can’t accept you as you are, flaws and all.

(That’s why I want you to ask what he’s done wrong – so you can both accept each other’s flaws.)

If this guy can’t accept that you were in a relationship that wasn’t as good as the one you have with him, and kissed another boy once, then maybe he’s not as wonderful as you think.  But if he hears it, and says that it would break his heart if you did that to him, so he’s counting on you to stick to your word and not kiss another boy as long as you’re together… then I say you’re right, and he’s absolutely wonderful!

So those are my thoughts.  Maybe there’s something I’ve gotten wrong, and if so please let me know.  But the one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that you deserve better than you’re getting now from that friend of your ex’s.  And somehow or other, I’d love to see that stop.

All my very best,

Shirelle (who likes to kiss EVERYBODY!)

0 What to do when two great guys are both interested in you

Devikas asks: I am stuck in a complicated situation. There are two guys who are best friends and they both love me. One of them is my best friend from a long time, and I met the other one about two months ago. They both have been asking me out lately and I guess I have feelings for both. This complicated situation is also affecting the friendship among the boys. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Hi Devikas –

You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run.  Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!

The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams!  Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!).  So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?

Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat.  You like both these guys, and they like each other too, right?  So what if you asked them if you could date both, for a while?  Just dating!

And — and this part is very important — make it clear to both men that you WILL eventually decide to get into a committed relationship with one of them, or break up with both.  You won’t make this a long-term game and just keep toying with them like a cat with a bird.

Now if you do this, sure, you’ll miss out on some of the nice parts about a committed relationship for a while.  But at the same time, you’ll be pursued by two awesome guys, both trying to outdo the other, and you’ll get to feel the joy of being the powerful one (unlike the way one feels having a high school crush, or finding out your boyfriend has three other women!).  

But, like the pizza and lamb, could something go wrong? Absolutely.

And that might prove to be the best thing about this whole deal.

Let’s say one of the guys says “No way, I’m not going to be treated like that!  If you can’t commit to me on faith, then forget it, I want nothing to do with you!”  Well, my friend, that will mean you’ve dodged a bullet!   You will have found out that that guy is bitter and vindictive, and doesn’t really care about your feelings.  It will be the best possible result of this whole story!

So I’d say to go for both.  Maybe even give them a time limit “I promise I’ll get out of this two-relationship thing by New Year’s” or whatever works.  

My guess is, there’s a really good chance you’ll figure out what you need to within a few weeks.  The one guy will not be as interested in you as he advertises, or the other won’t be as good at dropping those other women as he thinks.  

But in the meantime, how nice to be fought over!  In fact, I don’t know your diet, but maybe you could fulfill MY fantasy, and have one of the guys take you out for a great pizza, and the other to a restaurant where they serve lamb!  YOU’D TRULY BE LIVING MY DREAM!!!

Have fun with this!

Shirelle

6 Gratitude Anyway – sticking positive in negative’s face

Gratitude Anyway – sticking positive in negative’s face!

            I was getting depressed.

            All the people around me have been down or stressed or terrified for months.  And we dogs are big empaths (which means we feel what you guys are feeling), so I’ve been down too.

            But that was just from the stupid virus.  Now it’s worse – the continuation of the lockdown far past what anyone envisioned, the billions of people suffering from this around the world, the continuing death rate from the illness but also from accidents and murders from people’s stress and misery, all the fear going around…  it’s enough to make a tail unwaggable.

            But that’s not the way I choose to live.  So I decided to change my feelings.

            I can’t change what’s happening around me, of course, but I know that I’ll be more energetic, and more helpful, if I can also focus on good things, and feel grateful for them.  And there ARE still so many of them, despite everything.

            So I gave myself a task: Come up with 100 things I’m grateful for.  Grateful for right now, at this exact moment.  It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  And do you know what?  I felt better right away.

            So maybe you can try it too.  Stay upset, stay angry; we need that to beat this awfulness.  But also, appreciate what you’ve got that’s absolutely wonderful.  And struggle to think of it.  It is possible, I promise!

            Here’s mine:

Scientists are working for a vaccine.

Most people are behaving intelligently to slow the virus down.

The lockdown has been great for pet adoptions – many shelters have been emptied by people enjoying raising puppies and kittens in their time at home.

The lockdown has kept you guys home so much more, which we love.

Taylor Swift put out a new album that many say is her best ever (though I haven’t heard it yet)

I’m very hopeful about the upcoming US election, that new people will take charge who reduce the amount of poison in our air and water, and work to combat global climate change.

There’s Handsome.  Always there’s Handsome.

Pizza.

Trees.  I love trees so much – the shade, the squirrels, the place to squat or lift my leg…

Water.  Maybe there’s nothing more important out there.

YOU!  My pack, my readers, and every question I get from any of you!

Animal Rescuers.

The couch I’m not supposed to climb on but I do when Handsome’s not at home

Zoom, FaceTime, Doxy… imagine how much worse this lockdown would be if you guys didn’t have these!

Dogs Don’t Get COVID-19.  (at least so far)

Cheese.  All kinds.

Squirrels.  How boring life would be without them!

Naps.

Unlike you guys, we can bend around and lick and chew just about anywhere that hurts or itches or is dirty!

Walks.

My neighborhood – especially the dogs I get to see occasionally.

Buster Keaton’s movie Steamboat Bill, Jr.  Handsome had never seen it before, and it was glorious to sit in the room with him when he watched it in breathless awe last month.

Flowers.

The people who pick up our garbage and recycling and drive it away.

Leashes.  I know it sounds weird, but I’ve explained this before – they give me safety with some freedom.

Veterinarians.  I know that sounds weird too, but they’ve saved my life numerous times, whether I liked their methods or not.

Groomers…  well, really I don’t like doing that at all, but I do appreciate their being as nice as they can!

My house.  And all shelters.  For so many reasons.

My friend Dilla, who makes the funniest sounds and has a tongue that sticks out the side of his mouth.

My friend Aria, who melts my heart and teaches me new things all the time.

My friend Kuma, the best playmate I ever had.

Opera.  Of all the music Handsome plays in our home, this is the closest to what my heart is like.  Passionate, dramatic, and loud!

Grass.  To roll in, to run in, to sniff and pee on.

Memories.  Of lost friends, of great meals, of the best vacations.

Dog Parks!

Beaches!

Forests!

Beverly Cleary – the great children’s book author who always has done such a good job of helping her readers understand weird kids (and dogs!)

Trumpets.  I’ve always loved the sound of trumpets!  No matter how well or badly they’re played.

Bruno Mars.  Because if I could be a human, he’s the kind of human I’d want to be!

Dog Food.  Duh.

Treats.  Double-Duh.

Whatever it is in the human brain that makes so many of you want to befriend us, adopt us, care for us, play with us, fall in love with us. 

Speed Limits on cars!

And that there are NO SPEED LIMITS FOR RUNNING DOGS!

Ice Cream.  And because Handsome doesn’t like to eat too much dairy… all those fake ice creams!  Based in almonds, coconut, soy, cashews… all of them YUMMY! (the little bits he shares with me)

The shower in our house, which on hot days like today is the coolest place to lie down, with my back against the tile wall

My ability to run

My ability to jump

My ability to bark (even though it annoys people)

My ability to lick people’s faces

My ability to wag my tail!

The fact that, however smart he might be in other ways, Handsome’s love for me makes him too stupid to kick me out of the house for making noise and shedding hair all over the place.

The smell of chocolate (Handsome won’t let me eat it but… wow!)

Cool night air

Warm sunshine

Ear scratches

Head scratches

Nice soft stroking petting

Huge overwhelming hugs

Tummy rubs

And best of all, tummy KISSES!

Every moment someone I love comes to my home

The fun of barking at anyone I don’t know who walks by my home!

Governments and Charities who help their people devastated by this tough economy

Health care workers risking their lives to help people with this horrible virus

Scientists working to find treatments to help people with this horrible virus

Scientists working to find a vaccine for this horrible virus (I know I said that before, but isn’t it worth two counts?!)

Chew Toys

Bones

Tennis balls

Harnesses for us dogs that tie us to cars’ seatbelts so we’re safe in case of an accident

My doggy optimism that tells me things will get better eventually

The fact that even if people can’t get together as they used to right now, they can still laugh, cry, and dance.

Birds.

People who push to make this world a better place

People who risk their lives to keep this world safe for others

Dogs who do both

The feel of the ground when I lie on it

The smell of the ground when I lie on it

The sound of the earth when I lie on it

Other dogs’ butts!  Hey, just because you don’t appreciate them doesn’t mean I can’t!

The way some guys are so wildly attracted to women

The way some women are so wildly attracted to guys

The way some guys are so wildly attracted to guys

The way some women are so wildly attracted to women

The way we doggies are so wildly attracted to all you people!

The way so many of you people are so wildly attracted to us doggies!

The way (amusingly incomprehensible to me) so many of you people are so wildly attracted to nasty old kitty cats!

The stars in the sky at night

The clouds in the sky at daytime

Butterflies

The fact that history tells us no plague lasts forever

Firefighters

The new really amazing vegan meat substitutes that taste so much like the real things, but without anyone getting hurt!

Happy Couples

Good Marriages

Amicable Divorces

Did I mention how grateful I am for Handsome?

Did I mention how grateful I am for YOU?

And okay, #101 – a third shoutout to those scientists working so hard to get us to a new world where we don’t have to worry about this stupid virus anymore!!!!

So what do you think?  Can you do that too?

I know you can!

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to marry someone when that will bring them into your family’s problems?

Kiran1209 asks:

 In my family, there is no good communication between my mother and father. And the situation has been like this for years. There is always a difference in opinion between them and this leads to fighting. Often I don’t like the atmosphere that is created in the house. There is never a normal discussion in our house, it always ends up in fighting ( verbally). I always have to intervene and lighten the atmosphere.  I hope you get what I am trying to tell. If it had been a little abnormal, I would have not mentioned this to you.  So, the girl I met comes from a different atmosphere (normal family ). It’s much better than our house. So, a thought comes to my mind “why a girl like her should be exposed to such a negative atmosphere?” And this thought goes through my mind continuously when I am at home (dealing with the condition).  And in arranged marriage it’s not just two people but the families are involved too.  I told her about the family situation too and asked if she wouldn’t rather have an arrange marriage with a more suitable option than me (family being my main concern). But even after telling her this, she wanted to go ahead with me. I didn’t understand why she still wanted to go ahead in this process with me. On asking her she told me “I discussed the above point with my mother (her mother) and she said you want to live with the person most of the time and his behavior matters the most.” Yes, the person who you are marrying matters the most, but the family’s behavior is also important, right?  I just can’t get rid of the thought that, why should such a person come into a negative atmosphere of our family.  How would you look at this situation??

Hi Kiran1209 –

There’s an old story about a traveling salesman.  He goes to a small town and wants to get a haircut.  He finds out there are two barbers in the town.  He walks around to check them out.  The first barber’s shop is a disaster – it looks like it hasn’t been swept up in weeks, the equipment is old, and the barber himself has sloppy hair and clothes.  He then goes to the second shop.  It’s neat, clean, and fashionable.  The barber is smartly dressed and groomed, everything in place.

He goes to the first shop.  Why?

Because that’s the barber who gave the second barber his haircut!   The neat one gave the crummy cut to the slob!

Now back to you, you are absolutely correct that families matter enormously in all relationships, and even more in arranged marriages.  But I’m guessing that this girl has seen that, in her family where her parents get along so well, she or one of her siblings is the “difficult one” in the house.  And the parents have to calm that person down.  Whereas in your home, you are the mediator, you’re the one making everything better.  Isn’t that the ideal guy she ought to consider marrying?!

I’ll add something else.  She’s heard your pain.  You hate what’s wrong in your parents’ marriage, and want so badly to have something different from that.  Well, when she hears that, she’s hearing “I don’t want endless fighting.  I want to work things out and be happy.”

I’m no mind-reader, but if I have this correct, this lady is S M A R T !!!!

All my best,

Shirelle

ps: Oh one other thing – she also sees that your parents, who struggle in their marriage, have still stayed together.  That also might mean a lot to her – this isn’t a family where people are going to divorce at the first disagreement!

0 How to deal with your new relationship having had a past you have trouble accepting

PERFECTION asks: My girlfriend and I somehow shared some things about our past relationships and the sort of things she and I did before we got to meet each other. I was a little bit carried out by those facts that I’ve learned. Can you help me clear my mind about it, and to not think of it anymore? I don’t want to be distracted by something that has happened years ago.

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m going to stick with what I said to you before.  The problem isn’t what she’s done in the past, it’s your feeling not-good-enough about yourself, and probably imagining that some guy in her past was “better” than you in some regard.

And here’s the bad news: each one was.

Before me, Handsome had five dogs.  Each of them was absolutely wonderful in their way.  He would never have traded any of them for anything.  One was tougher than me, one sweeter, one prettier… and he loves me so much his heart almost can’t take it.  I actually hope there’s an afterlife where I’ll get to meet them all.  We’ll play, we’ll fight over who’s best, and of course we’ll make lots of fun of Handsome, and what a goof he is.  And when he gets there to meet us… oh man will he go NUTS!  Because he loves us all so much!

But each of us will have been from a different time in his life.  And so the he that loves me more than anything will be a bit different from the part that idolized Wolfgang, or depended on Ygor’s heart to get through his tough teen years.  

So can I get jealous?  Sure.  But it’s a waste of time.  It’s far better for me to focus on my gratitude – how much I love having the relationship I have with him right now.  And letting that gratitude overwhelm me.   As his does him.

Can you do that?  Can you, instead of focusing on some jerk she dated some time ago, who either dumped her or she him, let yourself just swoon in the thrill that she’s interested in you now?!  And that she’s the best thing you’ve ever found?!  

Yeah, one of those guys was a better athlete.  One was just crazy-good-looking.  One sang like John Legend.  

But none of them were you.  And she’s not talking with any of them today.  Or if she is, it’s as friends, which is maybe even better!  YOU are the one that matters.

And that, my friend, is not just the key to beating past silly jealousies; it’s pretty much the key to enjoying life altogether.

At least that’s how I enjoy mine.  That and getting letters from you of course!

Enjoy!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend does things deliberately to hurt your feelings

Prince2411 asks:

I made many mistakes in my relationship, I hurt my girl a lot, and I did things I am not proud of, but my intention was never to hurt her. I never crossed any physical limits with any other girl, but over text I said certain things which I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t realize then but now I do. I know how much it hurt my girl, but she is taking revenge on me on purpose, talking to the one person of whom I am so insecure – he affects me mentally and emotionally. I’ve been begging her not to do this to me, not to torture me, but she thinks I don’t know how it feels to her when I do it. She does love me, and I love her a lot, but she’s still doing this. She says she likes talking to him, she’s saying things purposely to hurt me more. She prefers hurting me, rather than blocking him and hurting him. He is a nobody in her life, but I have been with her for almost 6 years.  Please help, I’m getting depressed.

Hi Prince2411 –

There’s an old truism that the opposite of being in love is not hating or anger; it’s feeling nothing.  It’s hard to say there’s good news for you in your letter, but the truth is that your girlfriend a) has not broken up with you, and b) is so affected by your texts with other girls that she’s working really hard to get revenge on you.

In other words, she is showing every sign of being completely committed to you.  And that’s great.

But she’s also getting a kick out of causing you pain.  And that’s not so great!

What you two really need, longer-term, is to work hard to build deep mutual trust.  To the degree that neither of you is all that bothered by the other talking or texting with someone else. 

But shorter-term, you two need to just simply agree to stop knowingly hurting each other.  Now it sounds like you’ve already gotten there, but she feels she needs to do it a little more.  So your job is to let her know that she has succeeded!  That you have learned your lesson, and there is nothing more to gain by doing more of it.  That, instead, her doing more of it will actually push you away (which you realize is what you were doing to her), so that you won’t be hurting anymore.

When I was a puppy, I loved attacking my human friend Handsome and biting him all the time.  He’d yell “Ow!” and get upset, and I found that just fantastic.  But as I grew up, I began to see him as part of me, as my pack leader, and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.  In fact, now, the few times I’ve seen that I’ve hurt him it’s just ripped me up inside.

I want your girlfriend to get to that place, where I am.  You hurt her by not paying attention to her feelings, and that’s bad, but she’s purposely trying to cause you pain.  If it’s just to teach you a lesson, that’s one thing, but if it keeps going, it could become the new normal of your relationship, and that would be awful for both of you!

So I want you to talk with her, to let her know that she’s succeeded in teaching you, and that now you want a relationship where you both work to make the other feel better, and to build trust.  That means that you have to listen and hear her when she says your texting hurts her, and she needs to understand when her talking to that guy hurts you.

THEN you need to figure out how to live with these feelings.  Can she talk with the guy as long as she’s not saying hurtful things?  Can you text other women as long as you’re not flirting?  In other words, can you two become a successful mature couple?

I would rather die than hurt Handsome, and he’d rather die than hurt me.  You two aren’t there yet, but maybe someday you will.  The time to start that journey is now.

And I think you’re closer to it than you know.

All my best,

Shirelle