Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 What to do about cutting

lettersdontfade asks: I’m in love (I think I am) with a guy that works outside of my country. He used to work in city I live in, but he’s taking a risk (because it’s his dream job to work outside of my country) and works there. It’s been 4 months since I’ve seen him. I can’t call him my boyfriend, because he’s obviously not. He’s got a girlfriend here, in this country. But before everything we’ve been through, he said that he and his girlfriend haven’t talked since he left. A couple months before, he asked me for a nude picture, which I refused to give him, and he said that he’s proud of me because I didn’t want to gave him the pictures. Later that evening, he asked me one more time and I said no – and he got mad at me. He doesn’t show his disappointment, but I can feel through the text he sent me. Then, I sent him the pictures, and gave his picture (but not nudes) and it lasted for like 1 or two months. Just so you know, we argue a lot, but it only lasts for a couple of hours and then we’re okay with it. And one more thing that you should know, he hates it when I leave him (“leave” meaning when I don’t tell him that I fell asleep, or if I’m doing something and it takes a lot of time to reply his text. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I got into a fight with him because I “left” him. I tried to call him and explain, but he refused it. I was so angry and I said, “oh maybe you had a lot of chicks beside you so you didn’t give a damn about me,” and he’s angry about it too and then we didn’t talk for six days because the wifi didn’t work on my phone. On day six, I fixed my phone so that the wifi could work, and then I received his text saying that he missed me. I talked to my friend about this and asked for her opinions, and she said not to answer it till later. About one hour later, I answered it, and then we’re like getting back together, and I was trying to push all of my feelings down so that I’ll be okay if he leaves. And I think that was the first day I cut myself. Until now, we haven’t argued, and we haven’t sent any nudes to each other. All of my friends say that I should leave him because he’s only taken advantage of me, but I still love him so I couldn’t do that. Yesterday, I got really mad at him because he wasn’t paying any attention to me, just like before. I asked him this afternoon if he want to text or not, and he said “idk,” so I decided to leave him (saying “you might want to be alone for awhile, and we can chat later”). Then about five hours later I hadn’t gotten any text messages from him, so I decided to text him. He didn’t reply for a long time. Once he replied, I asked him why he’d taken so long, and he said “idk.” I don’t know why he’s acting like this. Do you think that he’s taking advantage of me? He said he loved me, but why is he doing this? His best friend told me that he once cheated on his girlfriend, and I instantly burst into tears. I really want to believe in him. I really want to make this work somehow. I’m too in love with him. Do you have any suggestions of how I can stop thinking of him so much? If I could just delete all of my feelings toward him I would!

Hi lettersdontfade –

Okay, I’m going to give you two answers.  The second is in response to about 99% of your letter.  And it’s important, but not nearly as important as the first one.

The first one is about cutting.

I know you’re in a lot of pain, and I know that cutting can help with that, in the short term.  But let me say with every doggy fiber in me – you need to stop doing it.  Now.

Many people – most often teenagers – find that they get a pleasurable sensation from cutting their skin.  Usually it happens because they are depressed and feel numb in their lives, so there’s a good feeling from the pain of the cuts.  It’s like how good it feels to scratch an itch – where you’re actually causing yourself more pain in a sense, but it gives you pleasure –magnified.  And we dogs know how good scratching an itch feels!  We do it all the time!

But, the difference between cutting and scratching an itch is that cutting is extremely dangerous.  Even potentially lethal.

In order to stop cutting, there are much safer techniques one can use to get similar feelings.  Some people Continue reading

2 How to battle emptiness

arjai101 asks: Everything in my life is going splendid. I have the highest math and science grades in my whole grade. My music classes are going well and I’m getting really advanced. I have a lot of good friends and I’m pretty popular. I had a really good cross-country season and I am really good at it. But I am overwhelmed with this emptiness and I can’t shake it no matter what I try. What could I possibly be missing? What more could I possibly need in my life? Do you have any ideas?

Hi arjai101 –

My friend, you have achieved the goal humans have been aiming for, almost since the dawn of time!

When you’re starving, hunting for your food, trying to keep from being eaten by the animal you’re hunting, you don’t think a lot about how you’re feeling. When you’re oppressed, or at war, constantly in terror of being killed by other people, things like emptiness don’t figure into your concerns much. And even if you’re doing okay, but working long hours, taking care of a family, “putting out fires” all the time, there’s no chance to sit back and assess your life and question whether you’re feeling fulfilled.

The great philosophers over time, and the great writers and thinkers, have tended to be people who were doing well. And because they weren’t struggling to get by, stressing out about failure, they had the chance to sit back and look at their lives, and ask the Great Question you’re asking: Is This The Life I Want?

You’re doing so well at all the things you’re supposed to do that you have had that chance. And you came up with the answer No. Now of course I’d like you to be feeling happier, but I think it’s really important that you take a moment to soak up how great an accomplishment your life right now is – including that realization about the emptiness!

Now I can’t tell you exactly what would fill that gaping hole inside you. But I can throw a few suggestions at you. And you could see if any of these help. But if they Continue reading

0 What to do when a friend thinks you’ve insulted them

awesome101 asks: I’m having friendship issues. My friend took something I said the wrong way. She thought I called her fat, but I meant buff. And buff is different from fat because buff means that you’re just strong and built well, it has nothing to do with being fat. But she is mad at me because she thinks I was talking behind her back and I feel awful. I apologized to her over and over again but she just ignores me. I feel absolutely terrible. 🙁 Please tell me what to do. Thank you so much.

Hi awesome101 –

I have seen this situation at all sorts of extremes.  At the mildest, someone thinks their friend said something, the friend says “Oh no, I said _________,” the person accepts that, and everyone moves on well.  At the worst, I’ve seen friendships completely destroyed because one friend is convinced the other one said something horrible about them, no matter how much the other insists they never did or would.  It sounds like you’re right in the middle between these.  And I’m sorry, because that’s still a tough place to be.

One issue here is very important to state:  This would never happen if your friend felt Continue reading

0 How to reduce stress on your parents

shitzhu00 asks: My mom is going through a lot of stress right now and is struggling with money. My siblings and I aren’t the best children, but what happens if she suddenly comes home with a bottle of beer in her hand and becomes an alcoholic? What would I do then?

Hi shitzhu00 –

I think you’re really asking me two questions.  The first is how best to deal with your mom’s stress.

I actually have two different answers to that one, which will sound like they completely disagree with each other.  One is to do everything you can to reduce her stress and not add to it.  The second is to accept that you can’t fix it, and allow that you’ll add to her stress at times and that’s okay.

Adults get stressed a lot, and kids add to it in every way.  They have to make more money to pay for their kids’ needs, and they come home to whatever issues the kids are going through.  Life is tough enough with 24 hours a day of stress, but when you add kids in, it can seem more like 50 hours a day!  So it’d be great if you could do what you can to lower her stress level.  If, when she asks you to do something, you do it the first time she asks, that can do wonders.  If you can keep your room clean, do your chores, and do your homework – all without her having to remind you, you’re a dream.  These are great things that really make parents’ lives easier.  Oh and try to keep from getting into too much trouble outside of home too!

But at the same time – she knew what she was getting into when she Continue reading

0 How to be more patient

poproxy360 asks: I am too impatient. What can I do to be more patient?

Hi poproxy360 –

I am too! I can’t stand to wait for anything! Handsome will get me a treat and make me sit and stay, and I just tremble and drool and even whine because I want it so bad! And it drives me nuts because I know that the only way I can get it is to sit still, which is the last thing in the world I want to do!

But at the same time… I kind of like that I’m this way! I see people (and some dogs) all the time who are so easy-going about things that they look like they don’t care at all about anything. So no one pays them any mind. They don’t seem to have any passion about what they want.

Have you ever heard that old saying “The squeaky wheel gets the grease?” Or “The early bird catches the worm?” These are saying that impatience can be a good thing.

Now, for example, you’ve written me lots of questions. Some people might not like getting asked so much, and complain that you’re impatient. But I think you’re fantastic, and love all the curiosity you’ve shown me! So the first thing I’d urge you to do is to look very closely at why you’re saying you’re “too impatient,” and see if maybe what’s really going on is that you’re, sometimes, too impatient for someone else to handle!

And if I’m right, then what you actually need isn’t to be more patient all the time, but rather, to Continue reading

0 What to do if a guy threatens to fake nude pictures of you online

Lily the kitten asks: I started talking to this boy on the hot or not app and added him on snap chat. I snapped him my face and nothing else. He keeps asking for nudes. He has a screenshot of my face and says if I don’t send nudes of me he is going to put pictures of naked girls next to my face on Facebook and say they are me. I don’t know what to do!

Hi Lily the kitten –

This is a great question. We worry a lot about what creeps might do on the Internet, and here’s a great example of what can happen.

I have one question for you first: Do you know him on Facebook? Does he know your Facebook name, or have either of you friended the other? I have two answers for you, and one is if you don’t have any Facebook connection, while the other is if you do.

But in either case, there’s one very important issue here. This guy is a creep. He is harassing you in ways that are awful and (depending on your age and where you live) possibly illegal. Whatever happens, you want to cut him out of your life.

Okay, so first, if you have no connection on Facebook… Continue reading

0 How to get your parents to let you have a social life

teefah asks: I’m in grade 11 this year. This is my third year of home schooling, because my parents took me out of school. They didn’t like the friends I had. I had no problem with my home schooling up until this year. I feel really lonely all the time and I don’t get to go to see friends. All I have is family. I really adore them, but now since I’m so deeply in love with this one guy for the past 2 years that lives far from me, they’re not okay with it. Every time they find out they stop speaking to me. I always felt like I belonged someplace else. From the age of 10, I wanted to run away from home. At this stage I really just want to leave, even if it’s to family far away. I have made many mistakes, but they won’t forget my mistakes. I feel lonely all the time (especially because my siblings stopped talking to me)! Easter weekend is coming up and I don’t want to face the family, because they don’t talk to me. Please tell me what to do? I know running away is wrong.

Hi teefah –

I have to admit, when I read your letter, I keep picturing you at the top of a tall tower, throwing your long hair out the window every day in hopes a prince will climb up it! You’re right – something has to change!

You’re also right that running away wouldn’t solve anything. I’ve done it a few times (not out of pain like yours, just following interesting smells for a while), and it has never worked out well. You end up lonely, scared, and potentially in great danger (it’s awful to say, but we dogs aren’t the only ones who sometimes get grabbed and put in the back of cars by strangers).

What bothers me the most is how angry your family gets when you mention this boy. Is there something specific about him that bothers them? You mention having made mistakes – was he involved in them in some way? I could understand if he’d done something so bad that your family put out a rule that you could never see him again. (It’s harsh, but I could understand. If I were a human and my daughter’s boyfriend did something really bad – sneaked some drugs into what she was drinking, or had her be an accessory to a crime or something like that – I could easily put out a rule like that!)

It seems to me that some sort of Continue reading

0 How to deal with an adoptive parent who resents your birth parent

watermelon asks: I was talking to my birth mother behind my adopted mother’s back, and my adoptive mother got mad at me because she never wants me talking to her, because she hates her. Now she will not talk to me because I did that, and because I said that I have a (not so great) life, and that my biological mother is my hero. But she did not let me explain why I said it! So what do I do? I am so lost right now!

Hi watermelon –

You are stuck in a very difficult situation. No question about it.

It’s easier for me. I was adopted, but by a human, who would never ever have any bad feelings about my saying how much my birth mother means to me. In fact, my human would absolutely love to meet my mother, and to have her and me reunite. He’d find it fascinating and exciting and beautiful.

But he’d also know that, when that meeting was done, I would want nothing more than to loyally accompany him home. Because he knows he’s my number-one human, now and forever.

And your Mom is doubting that you feel that way about her.

(Note, I’m going to refer to your adoptive mother here as your Continue reading

0 How to deal with a jealous friend

poproxy360 asks: My best friend likes to blame me for everything and say “shut up” whenever I speak, and always says she feels left out when I try to hang out with our other best friends. She calls me annoying and gets mad easily. I won’t blame her completely – I also like to tease her – but she always says she feels left out and tells our best friends that I tease them (which I do, but she also teases them)… but if I skip all that, she is awesome! So I am not giving her up. What should I do?

Hi poproxy360 –

Human friendships are so complicated!  When I get together with one of my best pals, like Kuma, Louie, or Stella, it’s so simple – we dive on each other and joyously beat each other senseless, growling and mouthing (but never really biting) until we’re both exhausted.  It’s such fun!

(Well, okay, I can’t do that with Louie, because he’s a dachshund, and if I even nosed him too hard, he’d flip across the yard sideways.  So with him, it’s more a lot of sniffing, and barking at people – and that’s fun too.)

We don’t get all that upset about our friends playing with other dogs, we don’t blame each other for anything (except biting us!), and we don’t tell on each other.  It’s not that we dogs are better or smarter or more moral than humans – we’re just not programmed that way.

But you are.  So I think the important thing is to Continue reading

0 How to treat someone who’s just broken up with you

Heartbroken asks: I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for seven months. Now I (a girl who’d never been in a relationship with a girl before) have fallen in love with her. However high school carries rumors, and I heard certain stuff about her and her ex -girlfriend. Although I was upset, I trusted her and we moved forward. We argued a lot but we also shared good moments. But for the last couple of weeks, things just haven’t been right. We got into a fight about my texting her while she was asleep (though she apologized for that one), and I made a joke while we were chatting, and she hung up on me, and then broke up with me! I must include that within this time her ex has been texting her. What should I do? I can’t stop crying and feeling guilty. I love her so much.

Hi Heartbroken-

There’s a lot about this relationship I don’t know, of course.  Even with my great hearing, my doggy ears can’t hear what’s going on in her head at this moment.  But I am sure of one thing: it’s not about you texting her. And it’s not about your joke.  And it sure sounds to me like there’s no reason for you to feel guilty.

In fact, it sounds to me like she is feeling guilty!

I see humans do this all the time.  When they’re feeling bad about themselves, they lash out and blame others for anything they can find – especially the person they’re feeling bad about doing something to.  Someone shows up late to a date, the other person says “Hey where’ve you been?” and the latecomer chews them out for being demanding.  Or, my favorite, when Handsome gets a late start driving somewhere, and I get to sit in the back seat and see him curse out all the drivers who are going too slow for him to speed – as if it’s their fault he’s late!

Now again, I don’t know what this girl has done, or has thought.  But the fact that she’s been texting her ex, and that she’s acting this way, make me think she’s been pulling away from the relationship and you.  And if so, there’s really Continue reading