Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to deal with perfectionism

arjai101 asks: I’m a perfectionist, but only about one thing: my grades. I feel like my grades are all I have and all I’m good at. People don’t know me for being pretty or nice. They know me for picking things up fast and always knowing something about a subject. As a result, I constantly have this pressure of feeling like I have to be perfect. If I get so much as less than 100%, I tear myself to pieces. It’s an awful feeling. At the same time, I like getting perfect scores. I especially like getting them without trying – it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me feel special. I hate getting grades that are just a 96% or a 99%. It really hurts me, like my whole world is falling apart. And when I express this sensation to my parents or my friends, they tell me I’m being selfish and arrogant, and that I’m overreacting. I can’t help that it bothers me so much. I can’t help that I hate my being in those moments. What’s wrong with me? How can I deal with this?

Hi arjai101 –

Perfectionism is a funny thing.  On one hand, of course it feels best to do something perfectly.  If I chase a squirrel, I want to catch it, not ‘come close.’  If Handsome offers me a treat, I want to eat the whole thing, not part of it.

But perfectionism can be a problem too.  We can get so focused on needing a perfect result that we lose the ability to enjoy what we are accomplishing.

Like with your schoolwork – although it often doesn’t look it, the reason to go to school is to learn things.  And if you get a 96% on a test, then it looks like you’ve learned a lot.  (And we all know, it’s possible to get a 100% on a test while you still have a lot to learn!)

So why the perfectionism?

Well, I’d argue two things.  One is great, and the other… not so great.

The great one is that you’re surrounded by people who are satisfied with mediocrity, and you don’t want to be that way.  You are a superb student, and enjoy the game of succeeding at it.  It’s fun to be the best at something, and it’s fun to challenge yourself to be your best, or even better.  That sort of perfectionism is what leads people to be great artists, thinkers, athletes… all that.

The not so great one is just what you said, “I feel like my grades are all I have and all I’m good at.”  Because of this, if you make less than a great grade, you’re seeing yourself as less than a great person!  If others only see you as smart, then they’ll see you as nothing if you don’t get the great grades (or at least that’s the way you’re imagining them).

The problem with this is that.  arjai101, here’s my bad news:  Continue reading

0 What to do with a new stepfamily

prettyndsweet12 asks: My dad is getting married which means I’ll have lots of new family members; a stepmom, two stepbrothers, a stepsister, and a step-niece, which brings up a question: I’ve never had a stepmom or step siblings before; do you have any tips or advice on that? But my number one question is what do I call her???

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

There are no rules about stepfamilies.  It sounds like you have a great attitude about them (curiosity and excitement, rather than dread and plans-to-dislike).  So my main suggestion would be to hold onto that attitude, and give them all a chance.  You’ll like some more than others, and that’s fine.

You might also find that one or more of your new stepsiblings (or your step-niece) has absolutely no interest in becoming friends with you.  For those, just give them time.

I can’t tell you how many friends and girlfriends Handsome has brought into my life, many of whom were bothered by me or just wanted nothing to do with me at first.  But over time, almost all of them have fallen in love with me, just because I’ve stayed good-natured and friendly with them throughout.  And those few others who just could never get to liking me, I’ve just accepted that that’s their problem; they still tolerate me, so Handsome can still be friendly with them.  They’ll just never get to know how fun and wonderful I can be, which is sad for them.

If you have that experience with any of these new family members, then I’d say the same thing – too bad for them.  Suckers!

Now, though, when it comes to your stepmother, that’s a very interesting Continue reading

0 Should a girl do what her boyfriend wants because he treats her well?

Bethan asks: I am 17 years old. My past relationships have not been the best, but my current relationship is different. I met this guy online; when I met him he was different (he had different pictures on his profile, even a different name) but I still gave him a chance. When we started dating, it was great. He would buy me gifts, treat me well, tell me he loved me, etc. Then things changed, and it became different. He still told me he loved me, etc., but he would make me do things that didn’t seem right, and I didn’t want to do them, but I feel guilty as he is lovely. He buys me gifts, etc., but it doesn’t feel right.

Hi Bethan –

Of course, I don’t know the guy you’re talking about. I don’t know anything about him, except what you’ve told me here. And he might be as great, as lovely, as you describe.

But I have a problem with him.

Now it’s totally normal for a person to try to woo another with gifts and favors. There’s nothing wrong with that – hey Handsome used a lot of treats when he was training me!

But the best thing a man can do for a woman is to keep her safe, and keep her feeling safe, all the time. Especially when they’re together. And this guy is doing the opposite.

It’s interesting that the two most popular book series in the last few years have been romances dealing with women falling in love with very dangerous men. You probably know about them – in one case she falls in love with a vampire, and in the other, it’s with a man who likes romance that includes causing each other physical pain. But both these men care a lot about the woman in their story. And both make very sure that she doesn’t do anything (like turn into a vampire or engage in painful romance) unless and until she truly wants to.

Both those guys – the blood-drinker and the spanker – treat their woman with more respect than this guy is treating you.

It’s also very normal for guys to want to do more things than their girlfriends do. What matters is that, the next day, the girlfriend still feels safe, and good about herself, after whatever they’ve done. And you don’t.

You don’t like the things you’ve done, and you don’t feel trust that he won’t push you to do things you don’t like again.

So Bethan, my advice is for you to Continue reading

0 How to stay patient when it’s impossible

Tech deck12345 asks: My toy is coming in the mail soon but I am getting really impatient, and my sister has the same toy and will not let me do anything with them. Help!!!!

Hi Tech deck12345 –

OH do I get this!  We pups have no patience at all!  We can be trained to sit still, but that doesn’t mean our attention isn’t completely on whatever it is we’re impatient about!

WHY can’t Handsome open the door the second I see a dog outside?  WHY can’t someone feed me the second I smell their food?  WHY do I have to stay perfectly still when obviously the person I love is walking away?  And, every day, why can’t Handsome come back home NOW?!

Apparently adult humans learn a lot of patience.  I guess that’s one reason they do so many things so well – from bringing food home to driving cars, to raising kids.  But the reason kids need to be raised is because they’re like us dogs, and want what we want NOW!

Now Tech deck12345, there’s also a big difference between trying to be patient about something we’re just aware of (like that Handsome hasn’t come home yet) and trying when there’s something we want that’s right in front of us.  I knew a dog named Ygor, who, when his humans would come home, would get so excited and impatient that he’d lose control of his Continue reading

0 How to take it when someone calls you ugly

alliekat asks: Everybody tells me that I am very pretty. And I was on Instagram and I posted something and a guy said that I was very ugly. I didn’t know how to handle it. How should I handle it?

Hi alliekat –

Isn’t it just amazing?  If a person is told a thousand times that they’re smart, and one person just once says that they’re dumb, they’ll instantly forget the thousand comments and remember the one.  Similarly, you’ve always been told you’re pretty, but one guy said you’re not, and it’s thrown you all off.  Brains are weird, aren’t they?!

Well, alliekat, I have a couple of reactions to this.  The first is that the guy might have been saying his true feelings, but if so – so what!  My friend Handsome is a great lover of beautiful women, and absolutely adores the loveliness of all sorts of them.  But he has never, for the life of him, understood what people get so excited about with the famous woman Continue reading

0 How to encourage teenage girls to stay abstinent

prettyndsweet12 asks: Recently I had an encounter with a boy over text message saying he wanted to do certain things with me (not “going all the way,” but…). I knew the boy and I liked him, but he wasn’t willing to make me his girlfriend and that was NOT ok with me. I told him no but he threatened to put the text message online so everyone could see it. I have to admit I was scared at first, but then I thought about it, and I was proud for sticking up for myself and respecting my body. The experience taught me that my virginity is like a gift…kind of like a one million dollar necklace. And you wouldn’t just give that gift off to anyone would you? Of course not, you would save it and give it to someone you love and someone who deserves it. That’s why I’m practicing abstinence and I’m committing to no sex until marriage. I feel that if I was able to motivate myself to do that, then I can help motivate other teen girls to do the same. So I was thinking about starting a campaign against underage sex, and teen pregnancy – and also inform them about what to do if they have the same encounter that I had. Do you have any suggestions on where and how I can start my campaign, and any tips?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’ve been with me long enough to know that I am a huge supporter of people, especially girls, owning their own boundaries.  I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, especially in the face of that boy’s nasty, cowardly threat to you.  The important thing to me isn’t as much what you said no to, as the fact that you gave yourself the right to say no to what bothered you, whatever it was.  Congratulations.  I bow my head to you!

When it comes to your question about the campaign, though, I have a few questions.  What the boy wanted from you would have kept you (officially) a virgin, and wouldn’t have caused pregnancy.  So while your story is a good one for teaching girls to take pride in their rights, it’s not exactly about that issue.

Now if this experience has led you to want to campaign for total abstinence from all sexual activity (including feeling around, etc.), that’s another thing.  I’m just a little unclear about what you’re suggesting.

I will say one other thing about it, just based on the experience we’ve had in my country (the United States) over the past few decades.  Because of sexual rules in society getting more and more lax, there have been lots of attempts at Abstinence Education, teaching children and teens that abstinence is the only way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  The bad news is that the Continue reading

0 How to deal with mean authority figures

Tech deck12345 asks: I am in a summer camp, and my babysitter is really really mean. What should I do?

Hi Tech deck12345 –

Now I now that lots of people (and dogs) define “really mean” in different ways, but let me start with a simple statement here.  Babysitters, dogsitters, and all other kinds of caregivers have their jobs for one reason. To take care of the littler ones.  It’s great if they can teach them something, or have fun with them, or clean up after them, but that’s all secondary to what matters most – CARE.  And if a babysitter ignores the kids in the house they’re staying in and spends all her time on the phone with her boyfriend (or in person with her boyfriend!), or a dogsitter doesn’t feed the dogs, or kicks them, those people are JERKS!

Okay, got that out of my system.  Good!

Now about your camp:  Tech deck12345, I don’t know what mean things this person is doing to you, but regardless, if they’re an employee of the camp, that means they’re really working for Continue reading

1 How a writer can improve focus

arjai101 asks: I like writing. I write a lot of Fantasy and Sci Fi. People often tell me that I’m pretty good at it as well. They say I have good ideas. So, I decided to put together a compilation of my short stories and try to get them published as a book. I have quite a few written so far, but I still need a few more to write. I have the ideas for the stories and I’ve done the planning, but the problem is that I can’t focus. I’m a thirteen-year-old on summer vacation and I’ve basically turned ADD. It seems that every time I sit down to try and work on the project I just can’t focus and work on it. I also can’t manage my time and force my self to do the writing. When I try to sit down and write and force myself, the writing comes out really crappy. How can I stay focused and get myself to sit down and write again?

Hi arjai101 –

Oh boy do I relate to this!

arjai101, there’s one simple reason you have trouble making yourself disciplined enough to write regularly – it’s HARD!  And it’s hard for everyone.

First of all, it’s hard to make yourself focus for long periods of time.  Wait, was that a squirrel I just heard?!

Second, it’s hard to make time for yourself to work on something that no one else Continue reading

0 Should someone try to be funny at school, they way they do at home?

cutepuppy asks: At school I’m shy, but at home I’m not; I’m funny at home. In school I don’t want to be shy, I want to be really funny, but how? And if I act funny, they might not think its funny!

Hi cutepuppy –

“Funny” is such a difficult thing to define!  Some people find Shakespeare’s comedies hilarious.  Others find “Austin Powers” movies uproarious.  Some people memorize every word ever spoken on “Seinfeld,” while others find it dull, but laugh till tears roll at “Modern Family.”  Was Jerry Lewis funny?  People can get violent over that one!  What do you think of Roberto Benigni, Jim Carrey, Zach Galifanakis, Melissa McCarthy?  Is a person slipping on a banana peel funny?  What about a man in a dress?  What about a pie fight?

There’s no single right answer.  The truth is all of those people and things have been very very funny to a great many people.  Handsome tells me the funniest thing he ever saw was a dog he had before he knew me, holding a very wide bone, trying to run through a thin doggy-door.  Would I have found that funny?  I truly have no idea.  But he still laughs about it, many years later.

Now because of this, you’re absolutely correct that there’s no way you could know that the kids at school would find you funny, in the same way your family does at home.  But I’m guessing that the bigger problem is that you don’t feel the Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a teenager to move in with a relative in order to stay in the same school?

irina1997 asks: I’m 17, in high school. My parents want to move away from the city. Partly because they want peace and quiet but also because it’s cheaper there. The house they found is really far away from my school and I would take very long bus rides every day. I have another choice. I could move in with a cousin. She’s about 30 and lives alone in a big apartment, which is very close to my school. I don’t want to move away from the city but I’m kind of sad/scared to live without my parent and with a person I don’t really know. What should I do?

Hi irina1997 –

This is a really tough question.  If you were much younger, I’d say that it’s probably worth more to stay with your parents, as you’ll just get used to your new school and it’ll be fine.  If you were an adult, I’d say you should definitely move out, just for the adventure.  But you’re right on the tightrope between the two.

So I think either one could be fine.  The difference between the two is in the risk you take.  Moving with your parents sets up a risk that you might not like your new school, or make many friends, before you’re done there.  Moving in with your cousin sets up a risk that you might not get along that well with her.

But the difference between these two risks is that one of them offers you a chance to Continue reading